01x03 - Pepper McMasters Singles Seminar

[bunniefuu]

Dude, this is gonna be so awesome.


- What's gonna be awesome?
- Single mixer.


- Roomful of lonely ladies!
- And fellas.

Fish in a barrel, man.

We are all getting way laid, right? Oh, good.

Really, last time this guy hooked up with one girl, hour later, hooked up with her twin.

And twins! Actually I figured out later it was the same girl who put a sweater on.


- I see.


- Okay people? What do I say? What do I say all the time? No personal business on
- company
- Property.


- Pond.


- Time.


- What the f*ck is this?
- It's like a nightmare dream sequence.

Am I the only one who thinks this is like, really wrong? Wrong, how? I dunno, all these old people cruisin' around, trying to f*ck each other.

They're probably divorced, or widowed and haven't been single in a while, they need something.

So play cribbage.

My grandma is not for cruising around like a skank.

Those hands, veins, and spots.


- Groping each other all over.


- Yuck! Wrinkled parts pounding against wrinkled parts.

They're flirting.

Seriously lady, that guy's scrotum has got to be like three feet long.

Two eggs in a tube sock.


- I mean, could he even get it up?
- Nah, they just wag it around till it sh**t little puffs of dust.

Sick.

Why is everything an ultimatum? Like, that's what I don't understand.

Yeah because I'm finishing my show, you know that.

And I have those aud i do have auditions! Look I don't know, okay? So I have to go, okay? Can I can I please call you back? Thank you.

Kyle is looking for you.

Doubtful.

He's still f*ckin' crying about the fact that he shaved off his eyebrow
- and f*cked up that audition.


- Okay.

You know, I mean he shaved his own eyebrow.

He had the clippers.

So what's going on with you? Hey, we up for tonight? Henry.

Smiles? I'm smiling ron, new me.

I love it, the new Henry.

Good.

Okay.

Remember no staring.

Okay, they're just a bunch of old people just doing the best they can.

So don't stare.

Just pretend they're not there.

Do our job and pretend they're not there.

Ron, you're kinda staring.

Old people freak me out.


- Have you ever seen it?
- Seen seen what? Them.

Doing
- it.


- Have you? Disney world, I was eight years old.

I got sick, I went back to my hotel.

Walked in on my grandparents, they didn't notice.

They just kept their mouths and their hands, it was like watching a mummy battle.


- Two whites and an old fashioned.


- What's like a mummy battle?
- His grandparent's f*cking.


- Don'T.

Don'T.

Go circulate.

Why would you please make me a vodka.

Coming right up.

Check this out.

Got something going on here.

Look at that, where'd you get those new moves? As I sat in my studio apartment last night trying to decide between falling asleep on the couch or walking the four feet to the bed, a show came on about this cop and how this slasher k*lled his entire family.

Okay with his whole life shattered, this guy became like a super cop.

Ya know? So I thought, I should do that.

Let the job fill my emptiness.

This job? Are you talking about this job or becoming a super cop? 'Cause listen, I watch the shield.

see you lasting on the streets.


- No I meant bartending.


- Bartending, well thank god.

You doing okay? Sorry to hear that.


- You are super bartender.


- Told you.

Hello everyone! I'm Pepper Mcmasters! Welcome to seniorlicous! If you read my book, you know that we're gonna take your single senior life and add a little pepper.

Because love and romance isn't just for kids, is it? No, no, no.

Well all need it, and we all can get it! Absolutely! So our presentation will begin shortly, but ya know, in the meantime just loosen up, live a little, and, get ready for a surprise or two.


- Surprises?
- Surprises, they're coming.

Hey Roman, congrats man.

I heard that George Lucas loved your script,
- everyone's talking about it.

First of all I told no one about that little message you left me.

Second, everyone knows Lucas is kiddy bullshit.

I'm hard sci
-fi.

And never the twain shall meet.

Kick ass revenge bro.

Kick ass.

Scotch rocks.

Nice lookin' crowd.

It's not really my scene.


- You don't date?
- Not old people.


- You will someday.

Grab some young hottie.

Ah, so you're an actor.

But not really a Michael Douglas type.

I'm more of a Colin Farrell, ya know? Dangerous, yet vulnerable.

If doesn't work out
- It'll work out.


- But if it doesn'T.


- It will.

Yeah, but if it doesn't, this might be you in 40 years.

But, why bother? I don't mean to be rude but, isn't everything all dried up and limp anyway? Kid, this is the 21st century.

Hey, okay so this is a text message.

So there's like grammatical issues or whatever but, bottom line: "Btm line" "so
-called career = chldsh blshit," which I I'm assuming is childish bullshit.

"If give fck anything but yrself, buy tket" I don't even know.

Buy ticket.

Oh, yeah like a ticket to Vermont.

Right.


- Yikes.


- Really? Is it Yeah I mean is that dickish actually.

Because I've been trying to think, like maybe he's right.

And I'm wrong, ya know? Like maybe he's a good guy and I'm just the assh*le who's breaking up the whole marriage.

Of I at first thought I was the The good guy, but I I dunno.

I really I I I don't even know.

Okay.

Splitsville man, for sure.


- You think?
- It's in her body language.

I can read her body.

She's back on the market man if you're thinking about having a go, get in line bro.

Whoa, there's a line? I'm ahead of you 'cause you're the new guy.

Alright good.


- Didn't know you were into her, so
- She's alright.

She's not the hottest girl, but I'm not the kinda guy who's gonna be like, she's ya know, her brain is a nine.

What about her tits? I mean don't get me wrong, she's got nice tits.

I'd give them a 6.

And her face is decent.

I give that a 6 or a 7.

Body, go to the gym.

Once in a while, tone up the stomach.

Overall right now, a 6 or a 7 body.

Eyes are really nice but ya know, some makeup would be nice to kinda bring them out a little bit more.

And then her hair, brown, nice.

Like the brown carpet.

I prefer linoleum.

But I
-
- overall it's a 6.

8.

6.

9.

6.

8, 6.

8.

9.

That's what I'd say.

That guy gets you up and ready right away.

These guys, more of a mellow all day style.

These babies take care of the aches and pains.

This sh*t's practically straight speed.

Keep the right balance, dude, I'm a teenager.

That is amazing.

And that one right there is the insta
-boner? You think I could keep one of those?
- For shizzle.


- For shizzle.

Anything useful? Yeah, I bet you don't know what the biggest sexual organ is.


- Well that would be my throbbing
- brain.


- It's your brain.


- Exactly, my throbbing five inch brain.


- Five inch brain? What?
- Circulating.

Constance! I'm sorry? Constance Carmell! Oh honey, think! Cabo, every night tequila and a new page from the karma sutra.


- David.


- No, how about "you're the only man I ever let go up there.

" Jeffrey, Todd, T
-Bone No, hold on.

You can't have forgotten about this.


- I don't know.

Bruce.


- Yes.

Bruce Wingstreet! Bruce Nesbitt.

Bruce Nesbitt!
- Yeah.


- Oh my gosh.

What happened to your face? Nothing.

It's been 25 years, I got a line or two.

It's been 25 years huh? Honey, you look great.

Can I buy you a drink? No personal business on company pond.

Rough out there.

Got any tips? Can I get you anything? I just got hit on by one of the creepy old freaks.


- Whatcha doin'?
- Revenge.

I'm getting back at Roman.

Poison? Boner pill.


- Hey Kyle.


- Hey man what's up.

Lady in the pantsuit said she'd give you a blow
-j in the back of her buick skylark.

Even take out her teeth.

Give me a ginger ale.

I'm parched.

It's rough out there, fella's just trying to get some bartender advise.

Geez mister, I dunno.

It's not exactly our scene, is it fellas?
- My advise, matlock.


- I did a matlock.

You ever play a corpse? Character with no life? Not allowed to breathe, can't even move?
- That's a challenge.


- Amazing.


- So you're an actress.


- Wipe your mouth.

Listen, my advise to you would be leave us alone.

Okay? Leave us alone.

Sorry about her.

Where the f*ck is my ginger ale?
- Here you go, sorry about that.


- Sweet, real speedy.

d*ck.

Bad back.

Rolled my horse on the beach in phuket.

Scotch.

Sounds a lot more fun than how I screwed up my back.

I'd share but it was my last one.

Unless you go for the all natural stuff.

Why yes I do.


- Hey Henry, what's up?
- Not much, just
- just headed to the John.


- Drop the deuce.

Just, actually meeting a man who offered me some pot.

Oh hey, I could really use a mellow.

Let me get rid of this and I'll meet you in the little boy's in a couple.

I dunno, you know, I don't really So you flamed out huh? Acting thing was a bust.

Total bust, yeah yeah.

Total complete f*ckin' bust.

Money, celebrity, who wants the trouble? Why do you think you don't see old dudes like me trying to be famous?
- We know better.


- Okay.

There's really only four things in life that are important.

You got friendship, Love.

Sex, bada bing,
- that's why I come to these things.


- That's only three things.

Oh yeah, sh*t.

I forgot the other one.

Is it work? Like uh, career? No, it's a really big one.

Let's get high! Hey, Ron wants you to tuck your shirt in.

You don't wanna tuck it in?
- What's your problem?
- Tuck it in.

Happy? Queerbot, what the it is exciting.

Right? Yeah! Oh, are you kidding me? I get to travel, I meet new people, everyday is new.

I finally, without a man, living the life I've always wanted to live.

And it's not like you're some piece of furniture that he moves from to the new house.


- Right.

Right.


- Yeah.

I mean it should like that.

You should live your life.

You should write your name on the earth in gasoline and just like light that sh*t on fire.


- Yes, yes! It's our right!
- It is our right! We should grab it, we should seize it, it's ours.

Have you ever given this speech to somebody before and they like did exactly what you're saying and then it totally ruined their whole life? sh**t, I'm on! Alright.

Okay bye.

I okay.

Remember the wrap party for hooper where the stunt guy Jumped off the roof into the pool.

You know what happened? You know what happened? Yeah, s he jumped in the pool.

He jumped in the pool.

Fractured his skull.

That sounds horrible.

Did we mention he was naked? He was completely naked.

That sounds that still sounds horrible.

Oh my god it was so hilarious.

And the coke was so good back then.

The sh*t they're snorting today, my god.

It's like baby formula.

Come on, why bother? It's like having a strong cup of coffee or something.

You know? Big freakin' deal.

Do you remember when we did it in the phone booth? Do you remember that we were in glass and that everybody could see in.

Or the time we did it in the yard
- when I broke my hand?
- You broke your hand!
- It was crazy!
- Plaster all over both of us.

We had sex in some insane places.


- Insane.


- And it was so much fun.


- It was so much fun.

I had a good time.

It was a good time.

Henry, what is the craziest place that you ever made love? A bed.


- What'd he say?
- Bed.

What what'd we ask him? I don't know.

What do you say Connie, when you get off let's say we take this party back to my place.

I dunno.

I don't think I want to.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Harsh.

Harsh.


- I didn't really go.


- I know.

Scotch.

Man, I do not get women.

Dude, you said that pill gives you an instant boner.

It's not like pushing a button.

Still need the right mood and everything.

Or is that gay? To you kids, everything's gay now.

sh*t, I am high as a kite.

Give me that, I gotta even my keel.

I don't see why you couldn't at least give him your number.

He's old.


- Well, how old are you?
- What do you mean? In years.

You're as young as you feel Henry and I feel super.

What are you, like 48? Okay, well you did it on the set of hooper.

That was 30 years ago.

Don't remind me.

But if you're as young as you feel and so is he, and you guys both feel the way you did 30 years ago when you had a great time together, then aren't you both still like the same person? Wait, what?
- What?
- I don't know, I'm sorry.

I'm so f*ckin' high.

It's just I wish I had someone that I got along with the way you guys get along.

There are four things that are important in life.

Friendship, love and sex.


- What's the fourth one?
- What? What's the fourth one, you said there was What are you What are you do Is that pot? My god it stinks like pot in here, what are you doing? Pot.

Smoking pot.

God dammit, what happened to the new Henry? Now I Shirt smells like pot.

Okay, you know what? I'm not gonna bust you guys for smoking pot on the job.

Even though I should, because it's really wrong.

Okay, this is me, Ron.

Giving you two a little straight talk.

You're aware that I used to party pretty hard, right? Oh, yeah.


- Yeah, you made a bong out of cheese.


- Oh my gosh.

I wanna show you something.

Four years ago, I vowed to get straight.

I put this in my wallet as a constant reminder.


- I don't know what I'm looking at here.


- You don't Do you remember my party buddy Kevin Cathcart? That's where his foot used to be.

So pot made his foot fall off? He became an alcoholic, mixed gin and percoset on his way to work, he crashed the company van into a tree and lost his foot.

God.


- Where does pot fit in?
- He smoked a lot of pot! That's a leg? Made footless.

By pot.

Get it? Give me this.

Straight talk.

Thanks, Ron.

Oh, hello.


- Are you here for something?
- Working the event, like you.


- That the men's room?
- Why? What do you mean, why? Why I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

I didn't stink up the place ya know, not my thing when I'm working but there's an old guy in there and he has some bowel problems and he can't see so it's Quite frankly, it's a little messy in there.

I'd use the bathroom down the hallway.

It's not far.

So.

Seniors, god what a word, huh? But maybe, it's because we're just not looking at it right.

Sexy! That's right, that's right! Okay, that's good.

But you know, you guys won't admit it because you think that once you get older you have to act all dignified.

Yes, sir.

How am I supposed to be sexy? If I can't even stand up! I'm glad you asked.

If you read chapter nine, "Sexy time", you'd know that your biggest sex organ, and I don't care who you are, is your brain.

That's where it starts.

Think of how exciting it was to be in school and have those nervous feelings, and who wouldn't want to go back to high school! Yes, are there any questions? You again.

Yes sir? Isn't this whole thing kinda undignified? You know what Fred? What I really think you need to do is loosen up.

She's right, Fred.

You need to loosen up a little.

You should listen to your nurse.

Oh, my god! I told you there would be surprises! Bet you're all wishing you had a nurse like this.

So, I just got really high, and I had the weirdest f*cking thing happen.

I'm getting a divorce.

Oh my gosh.

Bullshit! Oh my gosh.

Cut the music! Nurse.

What are you What's happening? She's not a nurse.

Now, do something! What's all the commotion? Officer.

We got a man down, and this woman is not a nurse.

I took a class! I took a class, we'll do a two man version you're gonna do the back, you're gonna breathe and whatever that entails, and I'm gonna smush the heart.


- Oh, sh*t! Is he dead?
- What? Listen, listen to me! This is what you were trained for! He's a stripper.

They're both strippers.


- Do something!
- Doctor?!
- Is someone here a doctor?
- Is anybody a doctor? There's no doctor!
- You took the class.


- Come on, do it, do it, do it.

It's a series of breaths and compressions
- 15 to two ratio.


- That's right, 15 to two ratio.


- Here we go.


- I was a girl scout.

Come on.

It's okay, come on.

One.

Two.

Three.

It's the other way around! Just two breaths.

No, you can't tell me that now!
- Two breaths, two breaths.


- Bruce, no don't be dead! Bruce, please don't be dead.

Oh, please Bruce! Bruce, please live! I'm too young! You can't die! Bruce, please, please.

Live, dammit, you bastard! Okay, that's one.

Is this part of the seminar? Yes it is.

Yes, it's part of the seminar.

You see, you gotta be prepared, you gotta be sexy! Seniorlicious! Tell your friends! Sorry, I thought this was the men's room.

It's not.

And again service Knock it off! Excellent.

Can't get any higher than that.

Where've you been? Guess what? The bar's not gonna pack itself.

Where's Constance? See you later, then.

See you later.


- Hey Casey, grab those boxes for me.


- Yep.

Calm down.

Casey, I just wanted to say that we heard what's happening in your personal life with your marriage and stuff, I wanted to let you know that if you need anything, someone to talk to, you know, maybe you just need a hug.


- Come here.


- So ni Thanks, Roman.

What the f*ck? f*ck look, I That
- Is that real Okay, sure.


- In my pocket.

f*ck.

Snap, m*therf*cker!