01x04 - Investors Dinner

[bunniefuu]

You owe me ten dollars.


- For what?
- "Baretta" prop g*n, season one.

I was right, pay up.

This doesn't prove anything.

They called him "Baretta" because he was italian his name was Baretta not 'cause he used a beretta.


- Where did you get this?
- Souvenir.

I had a line on the show.

"Looking's free.

Touchin'll cost ya.

"
- You played a hooker on Baretta?
- I played an aspiring musician.

Who says "touchin'll cost you? "
- Sounds like what hooker.


- She was a young musician who turning tricks to pay the bills because her abusive boyfriend had taken her savings.

I thought you said it was a line? That's the challenge, to create this complex character with a single line.

Snap.

What's with the g*n? It's blake's prop g*n from Baretta.

Constance, what was your character's name.


- "Hooker.

"
- Hooker, well hooker
- So that's why he was called Baretta?
- No! He was just italian and no one holds a g*n like that.

If her name's "hooker" Constance, she was a hooker.


- No it's, like I'm a waiter.


- You are a waiter.

No, I'm an actor.

When's the last time you acted?
- And the last time you were a writer?
- f*ck you, I've written, three scripts,
- I've written two novels
- You didn't write two novels.

I'm halfway through four novels, so that's two novels.


- You're a waiter.


- I am not!
- Yeah, you are.


- I'm a waiter like Einstein was a patent clerk.

You assh*le! Einstein wasn't in the army Come on, none of us are waiters.


- Oh my god!
- Except for henry.


- Gotcha.


- That was really funny.

Look at you sad face, you look like you're on your way to get your balls waxed.

I wish.

Nope, this is the face of a man who has to wait three days for his vicodin refill.


- You gotta bad back or something?
- I do You'll never guess what happened.

But the other night at work, a colleague threw me down on a couch and ravished me.


- Weird.


- It was very surprising.

I think maybe
- I need to apologize.


- You need to apolo see this is new for me, cause usually I'm the one apologizing after sex.

Yeah, no, no, it's just I don't know, I needed like a clean break I guess from the husband and the divorce and all that so I think maybe I was perhaps a tiny bit irresponsible.

And I just wanted to say something and you know.

Apologize so you don't feel used or whatever.

Well, I do now.

You do feel used now, okay.

This mean you don't want to read the sonnets I composed?
- Sonnets?
- Yeah.

It was that good for ya? Well well the sex was adequate, but the the connection to another living soul in my abyss of loneliness and despair that that was profoundly moving.


- Sex was adequate?
- No sorry, it was fine, you were probably distracted, or something.

Right.


- Sorry.


- It's all right.

You see this place? This is exactly the kinda place I'm gonna have.

This this is a real porsche, we're definitely putting out the tip jar tonight.

What the hell? I left messages, khakis, the host wants us to wear khakis, what the hell's wrong with guys? Mr.

Corolla.

Everyone I'd like you to meet mr.

Tony Corolla, our host.


- I thought I said khakis.


- You did.

I don't know what okay, well, I'm presenting a business venture tonight, So this'll be more work than pleasure.

"More work than pleasure," that is our motto.

Okay, I just want to go over the ground rules.

These'll be people from my club, business associates wealthy investors, People like that.

If you saw "caddyshack" you know the type.

The elite.

So be accommodating, and please confine yourselves to work areas.

And I know reception's bad here, but please don't use house phones.

I won't worry that, Mr.

Corolla.

I'm all over it.

Except the pants.

Nothing I could So, one of you knows power point? "Gumption and guts.

The rise of Tony Corolla, self
-made man.

" "Land ho, savvy plus perseverance makes vision a reality.

" Google me in ten years, that's going to be me.

The only way I'm googling you in ten years, if you get very creative in the way that you k*ll yourself.

Well that's not gonna happen.

Then I won't be googling you.

Look at this place? Henry, how do you think our host pulls in per annum?
- Best guess.


- I don't know, a 100 thousand dollars? Come on stop pulling my leg, seriously Two hundred thousand dollars? Squared, maybe.

Four billion? Hey Henry, you're aware Soup'r Crackers is the fastest growing non
-poultry, non
-coffee, franchise.

In all of southern California, right?
- You may have mentioned it
- Well I have ten g's pulling four percent of b of a, I got a business plan and I got Alan Duk in as partner for franchise fees.

Okay so I'm get one, I'm go another, I'm gonna get one, two boom, I'm gonna move slow, but boom, boom, boom, until Four billion dollars.

I mean I think it's great that you guys are seeing this, I really do.

Because success isn't being discovered.

No offense, all right? To succeed, you have to do what Mr.

Corolla does, you have to do it through hard work and vision.

I believe henry had vision and he worked hard, and then he failed miserably.

Exception proves the rule.

So like, have you every made out with two chicks? For the tenth time, I'm not answering this question.


- Think of one question.


- I was just wondering.

Freeze! What the f*ck, Roman?! It's a fake g*n.


- Don't do it.


- You fat f*ck
- Don't do it not today.


- It's a fake.

f*ckin' g*n give me a break.

Ron, it's Baretta's prop g*n.

From the show, it's why he's called Baretta.

No, he's just italian that's
- Everyone okay in here?
- Mr.

Corolla.

It's a small misunderstanding.


- What the hell?
- A prop g*n.

Theater people.

So okay I'm putting this g*n in a bag here and it stays in here and nobody touches it for the rest of the evening.

You know what they say about a g*n in the first act, Ron? First act of what? Here you are.

And
- Did a little surveying.


- Yep.

Locked eyes with three thongs.

Best thing about money, has gotta be, trophy wives.

You're 80, wife's like 25 in a thong and shaved.

I can't wait.

I think that's what casey did wrong.


- She got married before she hit it big.


- Yeah her ex
-husband, barely ever shaved his pubic hair.

Hi, welcome.

Can I get you anything? Hang this up on a wood hanger.

Make some sandwiches made for my driver, he'll take them in back.

Ham, I don't care.

And I'll have a boxcar, okay? You'd be prettier if you smiled, sweetheart.

What a d*ck.

Awesome speakers, right?
- Von Schweikerts.


- Yeah, I know.

Those things must kick ass.

My dad said he'd get me a pair if I made dean's list at tufts.

Dude, hope you made it.

Nope, but I guilted him into it after he divorced my mom.


- Nice.


- Dude! You were on GREEK, right? The Pi Sig who made randy beer bong a sixer.

That's me.

I said soybeans, you gotta be kidding me.


- Corn, corn is where it's at.

Ron!
- Yes, Mr.

Corolla? This is Mrs.

Bersten, one of our potential investors Well, let me assure you, that Tony knows exactly what he's doing Actually Ron, Jasper here had a bit of an accident in the foyer, I need you take care of that? I just came from the foyer, I didn't see anything.

I'll have one of my people take care of it.

Excellent.

Nothing.

Hey, what'd Mr.

Corolla say about the phone? What is that on your shoe? There's a trail of dog sh*t by the front door, handle it.


- No, can't do that.


- I'm your boss and that's an order.

You're gonna have to physically overpower me, if you want me to do that, so.

I gotta draw the line somewhere, Ron, seriously, sh*t? I mean, come on, it's crazy.

Okay how about this, if you don't, you're fired.

Okay if you fire me, then I'm gonna call Alan Duk, and tell him you cleaned of your sh*t shoe in the client's sink.

And used a company fork to scrap off the rest of it.

All right and I'll deny it.

This dog sh*t knows who's boss.

Yeah I figured I'd either go m3 or clk, right? M3, man, that's the way to go.

Mercedes is nice, but 88 you want those extra horses when you rippin' through the canyons.

Martini, "very dry.

" Damn, you must be one shitty bartender.

Recession.

It is, true.


- It's an awkward silence.


- It's pretty awkward, yeah.

Did you mean what you said earlier? What about like a connecting and souls? No, about the sex being adequate.


- I just
- No, it's fine.

I just I just need you to know that I'm the pancake lady.

The pancake lady? The pancake lady, she makes the best pancakes in all of the kingdom, but she'll only makes one pancake for every person.


- I've never heard this fable
- Serious Okay so, stranger rides in to town and he say's hey can I Can I get one of these pancakes everybody's raving about? So she makes him one and he eats it.

He says, "that's good, a decent pancake not like the best I've ever had or anything.

I don't know maybe you were distracted.

" So she makes him another one and then another one, and another, she makes him like a whole bunch of pancakes and he's full and he says to her, "listen I have to admit, that actually was one epic pancake.

" So she cuts him off.

See the thing is the first pancake she made for him was epic.

He was just messing with her mind.

He was tricking her into putting out, pancakes.

Which is hilarious I think because, really the pancake lady, she was just tossing him that first one as a sympathy pancake anyway so.

Well, the pancake lady sounds like a whore.

Bourbon and coke.

Ted? Not ted.


- Sorry.


- Okay.

Sorry, you
- you looked like someone.


- All look alike, right? My mistake, sorry.

Good luck out there.

Good evening, everyone.

When we've talked, at the club, or on the links, or over dinner, I've always said, "my business is making money.

" It's the only thing I'm good at.

Those of you who've played golf with me can vouch for that.


- I'll vouch for that!
- Thanks Gerald.

I haven't been playing much golf lately.

Like a lot of you, I've been trying to figure out, in these tough times, when everything's going down, what's going up.

I found it, and I wanted to you all the chance to join in.

Mr.

Corolla, I cleaned up the dog sh*t.

This is a seaside village in baja.

It's barely even a town, it's a gold mine.

And I need your help to buy it.

An associate of mine works for a company that builds some of the world's most beautiful resorts.


- Take a look at 'em.


- I can totally get us in club milk.

The bouncer's my boy.

I met some smokin' models who were headed there later.


- Not catalog, right?
- No, Dude? Runway.


- Nice, high
-end.


- What time you get off? You wanna hook up when we're done makin' money? Midnight? Let's do it, blood up.

Midnight? Gonna do some nightclubin' some after party action.

Totally up for that, that'd be cool.


- Where we going? What club?
- Yeah, we haven't
- not really sure yet.


- Working out the deets? I'm a great wingman, so if you're looking to nail some babes.

Sure.

It's cool though.

Gonna go sling some deuver
- Down low.


- Here.


- All right.


- Get it.

Dude, is she for real? She used to be.

Now, not so much.

This village is what he will recommend next week.

So with your help, I'd like to buy the whole town.

Let's look at some figures.

We're supposed to confine ourselves to our work areas.

Yeah, I know that.

So what're you doing? I'm looking for a phone that works so I can check messages.

What are you doing? Usually the wealthy have a lot of prescription medications.

By the way, you did mess up my back.


- Sorry.


- Sorry.

Not worth it.

Kinda of.

And you know there are worse ways to pass time.

There are worse ways to pass the time.


- I agree with that.


- Me too.

I sh*t, I'm sorry, I almost forgot, you're not the pancake lady.

Where we go.

What? None of the phones work? This is my promise to you.

Double your investment in 120 days, even after I take my cut.

Now, if you have any questions? Who do I make the check out to? This is so gross.

It's like people lining up to screw over mexican families.

You really can't trust whitey.

Well, doubly true.

I think our host is fleecing these people.


- Get outta here.


- I'm serious.


- Who's fleecing who?
- Mr.

Corolla.

I think this whole thing is a f*ckin' scam.

Come on.

I do know that asian guy, I had an acting classes with him.

His name's Ted Yang.

He pretended not to know me.

And the phones are disconnected.

And the bathroom drawers are empty, except for a used pill bottle for like kidney meds for Dawn Spangler, who the f*ck is Dawn Spangler? I don't think this is his house.

This is all starting to feel like bullshit.

Are you Sherlock Holmes? I'm a hardy boy.

That's incredible, that's good.

Okay, so what do we do? Wire transfer's the easiest, so we just provide routing and account numbers.

Yeah, good, good.

Sir, you know what this deal might Next time, you make me a dry martini, make me a dry martini, okay? Okay, and when you two finish eye
-f*cking, give me a pen
- Of course.


- Thank you.

Best of luck with your business venture.

Looks like a winner.

Feel free to tip.

Mean, mean man.

Are you trying to milk me for information, old mcdonald.

I'm not in the moooooooood.


- It's brilliant.


- Thank you it felt really good.

It was fantastic.

Did hear about Kellum's dad has a production company? And they're thinking of doing a live
-action old mcdonald, for kids.

And he thinks I have a quality.

We're kinda running through the whole barnyard, here, trying to find the right animal.

How'bout your pig? You got a pig in the repertoire?
- This little piggy's going to market.


- Find some of the physicality this little piggy's going to market.

Okay do it again, but think like a pig.


- This little piggy's going to market.


- Incredible! Yeah, actually Ron really wanted you to do the veggie platter, now so Stay right here.


- I'm right here.


- Don't go anywhere.


- Hurry back.


- I will.

You gotta a gift! All right.

Dude, this sh*t's hilarious.

This piggy's comin' to market.


- Gerald, appreciate you trust.


- That's for the opportunity.

Jay Lesley! I've put away some money and I was hoping that maybe you'd consider letting me buy into the plan.

Oh Ron, I don't know, these people are professional investors.

I've run credit checks on all of them.

Mr.

Corolla, please, it's taken me four years of living in my parents garage, saving tips, quitting up weed, booze, almost everything.

I just I don't know if I have another four years left in me.

This This is my way out.

I put away ten grand and to think, in four months, I could open a Soup R' Crackers, the fastest growing non
-coffee, non
-poultry franchise in all of Southern California.

You have no idea what that would mean to me.

So, Tony, please.

I'd need wire info,
- routing and account numbers.


- Right.

Will you take a check? You can milk me if you like.

My tits are full.

Did Roman take the g*n back?
- I don't know.


- That little son He's on probation.


- Here we go, here we go.


- What're you doing? Casey, gotta spend money to make money.

Oh, my god.


- So, Ron just got his checkbook.


- Oh, sh*t I'll never forget this.

You're a true gentleman.


- Well, I try to be, Ron.


- Ron! Don't.

Henry, I'm conducting business.

It's a scam, they're Mexicans, Henry.

They're just happy to be alive.

Jesus, no, you're not gonna get any money back.

That's what he's trying to tell you.

This whole thing is fake.


- Mr.

Corolla, could you please
- Ask him, that's Ted Yang.

I was in an acting class with him.

He's from Van Nuys.


- California.


- That's right.

Why don't you tell everybody here Ted, what you're getting paid for this event? What you're getting paid scale, what's the deal?
- Speak up, Ted.


- Come on, Ted.

You're a d*ck, Pollard! I'm a d*ck? Okay.


- What the f*ck? Mr.

Corolla?
- What do you want Ron, you want you're money back? Fine here, all right? There's your money take it, it's yours.


- I want my money back, too.


- Gerald, you know me.

From the club.

Yeah.

You're new to the club.

You want to pass on the investment opportunity of a lifetime? A bartender runs his mouth and you get scared? Not what I'd call guts, but fine.

I'll hold off on all the wire transfers until you've all had a chance to look things over, okay? Thank you for coming, good evening.

Gerald, when you come to your senses, you know how to reach me.


- This was my Soup R' crackers.


- It's good that it's ripped up.

Wait this isn't my check.


- I want my check back.


- I ripped it up, Ron.


- No, you're stealing from me.


- Nobody is stealing anything.

Just hold on a second, Mr.

Corolla, if you don't mind? Actually, I do.

Duane, Duane, don't let him leave the room.


- I'm gonna call the police.


- All right, okay.

Everybody just shut
-up and back away.

Back away.

I want my money back, you fake f*ck.

Back away.

I mean it.

What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do, you gonna sh*t me? I'll help you out.

I don't want you to waste a b*llet.

What? See, you can't, because everything about you, right down to the g*n, is fake, all right.

I want We want our money back otherwise I'm gonna go f*ckin' medieval on your f*cking ass, hole! Fake g*n.

I You You can't sh**t me in front of all these people, because it's like "witness," where's there's all standing around and they can't sh**t the little boy, because you can't sh**t all the people, and I'm the little boy, so everybody Go get him, rush him! He's Rush this guy! You're an idiot.

Oh, my god.

He f*ckin' peed himself.

In case we don't remember.


- Dude, weird night, huh?
- Yeah, man, so weird.


- Still on to club milk?
- Oh, for sure, might be kind of tricky me getting out on time, but wait for me, okay? All right, see you there.

Okay! I hope Ron got our check up front.


- How about we make rules.


- Rules? Like I don't owe you anything and you don't owe me anything.

And it's just very casual, relaxed, you know like we're friends and colleagues, and we just happened to "f" each other.


- Just casual.


- Just like really like passing time,
- that's how I'm thinking about it.


- Sure.

Christ, just get me my coat.

f*ck off, dickhead.


- You want to hear some sonnets?
- I don't no.

Okay good, cause I don't have any.

I looked it up on line, his dad's name was Louie Baretta.

So it's a family name.

That's weird, why would that call his dad that? I don't get it.

Are you still hookin' up with kellum tonight or what? He's kind of a douche.

I was thinkin' about stoppin' by the okkie dog on the way home.


- I don't know, you wanna come?
- Really?
- Yeah! Awesome, I'd love to.


- Sweet.

You could give me some notes on my cow.


- What have you got so far?
- I'm going with real low tones, but I don't wanna sound like a guy cow.


- You like this pancake?
- Yeah.

I knew it, I knew you were all about the f*ckin' flapjacks.

Please stop.

Don't stop that, just stop talkin' about f*ckin' pancakes.

Oh right, okay, sorry.


- Just call me Mrs.

Butterworth, bitch.


- Oh, Christ.