01x06 - Taylor Stiltskin Sweet Sixteen

[bunniefuu]

Happy sweet sixteen Taylor in that hell of a gold sh*t.

He fucks it up, I'm coming down to his gay f*cking bakery and take a giant sh*t down his hole! His mouth hole!
- Jesus f*ckin' Christ.

You got kids?
- Haven't met that special lady, yet.

Yeah well don't.

Nothing but bitching.

Hundred bottles of custom nonalcoholic cristal, a four thousand dollar hooker dress, and 40 grand for this assh*le rapper "Dro Grizzle" to mumble his bullshit for an hour.


- You know this rap sh*t?
- More of a "Sting" man, myself all to try and get one f*cking smile outta that kid.

Not to worry, at Party Down we have extra smiles to pass around.

I hope the jackets fit.

We had valhalla catering, but those cocksuckers double
-booked us.

What? Tell that m*therf*cker I'm gonna rip his d*ck off and use it to f*ck his f*cking dog in the ass! To death! God it is so weird I look like a playah in this outfit.

You look like a vaudeville clown.

That's the idea.

Oh sh*t.

What are you doing? My agent made me get my teeth bleached, but he didn't say it'd hurt this much.

You have got to be the biggest f*cking p*ssy on the entire universe.

f*ck you, it kills.

Oh, wait, wait I think,
- they missed one.


- Are you serious, where?
- Right there.


- Dude, sh*t.

Oh yes, you are the biggest f*ckin' p*ssy! Kyle, get up.

Get up please.

Our client, Leonard Stiltskin, producer, he's throwing a sixteenth birthday for his lovely daughter Taylor.

Okay, and there's a theme.

"Da club boat.

" Now FYI we took over for valhalla catering.

They double
-booked, their loss, our gain.

Because I wanna show Mr.

Stiltskin, what true professionalism looks like.

Like f*cking ass
-clown.

I feel like Lou Ferrigno in this m*therf*cker.

We look like we're in the gay secret service or something.

Do we seriously have to wear this sh*t? Because today, we're not just serving food and beverages.

We are also dream weavers.

Weaving a dream for Taylor, okay? There are two hundred of the coolest people on a luxury boat, a real rapper, and us.

In costume, playing the part, because today this boat isn't just a boat, it's a fairy
-tale fantasyland, where every boy is a "playah" and every girl a "bitch!" Can you imagine inviting 200 people to your party and ten losers show up? This poor girl, I mean it's her sweet sixteen.

What are you doing? You can't just stand there do something.

What should we do? This party's a bust.

It's unprofessional to just stand around.

Wipe some counters, clean some glasses.

Keep busy.


- We already finished doing that stuffs.


- Well do something different.

I take a sh*t in the middle of the dance floor
- and Kyle could clean it up?
- Be professional! Go.

Dude, it stings.

Where is your f*ckin' kid? Well, find out and get 'em here! Never in a million years.

Where is she now? She's locked in her f*cking stateroom and won't come out.

The sh*t I go through to make that kid happy.

What do I get? A smile? Or maybe a "thank you daddy? Bupcuss, just six figures down the f*ckin' toilet.

I'll go talk to her.

Would you f*ck
-off with the g*dd*mn sliders, please.

If she won't talk to her real mother.

She she is not gonna talk to you She's not going to talk to you, either.

These are girl issues.

She's right.

You're a girl, right? Go get my daughter out of the f*ckin' stateroom, will ya? I'm on it.


- Am I early?
- Nope.

sh*t.

Jack and ginger, then.

Henry Pollard?
- Michael?
- Yeah.

sh*t, man, it's been years.


- How you doing?
- I'm, I'm good, how are you?
- What are you doing here?
- I'm in Leonard's new movie.

You know big breakout of the indie world, so I had to come by, make an appearance, kiss the ring.

Sure, sure, that is so great.


- Yeah, what about you?
- I'm I'm working.

You know and making money.


- All right.


- Yeah, yeah, it's great,
- It's great.


- Yeah.

Hi honey, hi, Taylor? I'm Constance, from Party Down catering.

I'm here to see if you wanted something.

I wanna die.

"Da club boat.

" Good times, huh? You having fun? Great, enjoy, it's free.

Yum.

Where the hell have you been? No one's covering the buffet.

This kid's eaten practically half of it.

Okay where's your sunglasses? I f*cking walked into a wall on the way to the batroom.

I'm not wearing those things.

I can't see sh*t.

Oh and some guy said that
- "Gruzzle" needs something?
- Oh degenerate rappers.

They probably want ho's, I'll take care of it.

Watch the buffet, be professional.

Professional.

My middle name.

Come on, come on.


- They said you needed something?
- I'm on the phone, give me a second.

Howard, wait.

Hold on for a second Howard.

Hey can you do me a favor? Can you check and see what time we go on stage? 'Cause we're due in Newport for another kid's bash.


- It's in our contract.


- I'll go find out.

You got the number, of course I wanna see.

Hold on, last time Howard.

One more thing, man? I want you to look at something.

It's a bunch of candy on the table.

Like we not kids, can we get some food, real food? Please? Right, yes very good,
- I will get on that.


- Thank you man.

Hey matter of fact, what the f*ck you got up in there?
- I'm sorry?
- What do you have to eat, man? Well we have We have curly fries, we have chicken fingers, we have sirloin sliders.


- That is very strong smoke.


- That's the good, man, you want some of this sh*t, man? We got tons.


- I'm good.


- Take a hit.

No, thank you those days are behind me.


- Strictly business now.


- All right suit yourself.

So asparagus spears and curly fries,
- chicken fingers and
- Said that already.

Howard, this is where you're messin' up at you gotta spell it out to 'em.

If this is a franchise you gotta let him know the things that he should know.

Hold on Howard,
- so you said you got chicken what?
- Fingers.

Chicken fingers, sh*t.


- Did you say "franchise?"
- Yeah, business term.

Yes, I know, because actually have my own Hey man, we really thank you for the food, man.


- That's why I'm here.


- One more thing, man, can you please find out what time we're going on? I'm sitting here, I'm not doing nothing.

It's not professional.

You're preachin' to the choir on that one.

Professionalism.


- Can I get a witness?
- Is he still here? I hear that.


- You're Edgar Allen Poe?
- Yeah, a graphic novel, it's the writer, but he's k*lling vampires.

It's Leonard's next movie.

You're Edgar Allen Poe? f*ckin' up vampires in old Baltimore.

That's that's great man, that's great.

What about you, last time I saw you you were doing good, you were doing those commercials with the "are we having fun yet?" Yeah, no, that actually kinda k*lled my career.


- sh*t.


- Yeah.

That freaks me out.

I mean this guy all the talent in the world tending bar?
- I should talk to Leonard.


- No, Michael, no.

Really I I actually read for him once and think that was enough.

And I'm done the towel has been thrown.

Leonard and I are tight.

He listens to me.

You would be perfect for young Lincoln.


- Abraham Lincoln?
- When he was a congressman, he meets Poe helps him steal his amulet from the smithsonian.

Now it sounds dumb, but it's a great role.

All you need is one great role and boom you're back!
- Yeah?
- Okay?
- Yeah it does some kind of great.


- sh*t, I'm telling you, me playing Edgar Allen Poe, you tending bar, it's like The universe is crazy am I right? You're friends with famous people now, you don't introduce me.

Yeah Casey this is Michael, Michael, Casey.

Michael's playing Edgar Allen Poe In like the comic version with the vampires? I didn't even know they were making that movie that's amazing.


- How do you know this one?
- Acting school, he was the next Pacino.

I sh*t you not.

You never say, that you had any talent.


- He's exaggerating.


- No I'm not, he was great.

And I'm gonna get him back on his feet, right? Henry come on, you, me, here, what? It's fate.


- It is kind of fate.


- It's fate.


- Casey?
- Yes.


- What'd I say about professionalism?
- I don't remember.

I said circulate and Well, let's get Constance to do it.

No I can't do that because she's in the stateroom offering support to the birthday girl.


- She is, Constance is?
- Yes she is.

sh*t okay, I'm gonna
- nice to meet you.


- And you.

There he is.

I'm supposed to be doing something.


- Ron, you reek of pot.


- What? You smell like, I thought you didn't
- I don't smoke pot.


- Well you smell like pot.

Those rappers.

I think I have a pretty good idea of what "Dro Grizzle" stand for.

It's slang for "strong hydroponic marijuana.

" Kinda what I was gonna guess.

I gotta to bring them food.

Hey Ron, Ron look, are you high? I can take care of it, if you don't wanna be around all that.

No, I have stuff that I have to talk to them about.

You just look busy.

Okay.


- He's so f*ckin' high.


- Yeah.

No, no, I know what you mean.

I was medium popular in middle school, but by the time I got to be a junior, I was fully popular.

People don't appreciate the responsibility you have, setting the example.


- How's it going?
- Hey Casey, We have a sit'chiation here, my sister.

So, Taylor is dating Chad.

Who's maybe number five in the class hottie's list.

But Chad was being kind of a douche bag lately so Tristan, probably the top guy at school, he flirts with her at a party they fool around, Tristan's girlfriend finds out, tells told Chad and now they boycotted my party.

And there's no one here but the losers.

Vodka Redbull.


- Club drink of choice.


- Don't say that.

I used to go clubbing all the time, before I married that thing.

I love clubbing, you know I love it.


- How do you deal?
- Booze, facebook, shopping.

Random flings with hot guys.

How would you like to be young Lincoln in an Edgar Allen Poe film? Yeah.

No, I know it's rough, but there's friends here who came to see you.

Those aren't my friends, those're just the losers I hung out with before I got cool friends.

The cool friends didn't come Okay but what I'm trying to say is that those kids are kind of cool for showing up.

Or they're just trying to hitch a ride on your popularity.

Hey it use to happened to me all the time.

It's one of the drawbacks of being really, really popular, People try to use your popularity To make themselves seem more popular than they really are.

Can I talk to you outside? We're trying to get that girl to come out and I just don't think anything you're saying is helping like, at all.

I know how to deal with these issues.

I was very popular.

Yeah, well, okay, I was pretty popular too.


- Not like I was popular.


- You don't know
- Not for a fact.


- Is this Taylor's party? Yeah what clique are you in? This is Taylor's party, but she's not so feeling well.


- What's your name?
- Megan Linderman.

Hi, I can give that to her for you.

And everyone's just in the ballroom.

Yeah back that way.

Bye.

See ya.

So can I please just talk to her alone for a minutes, please? Tell her to hold out for Tristan.

You know what a great story this is gonna make? I was at a kids party on a boat Henry we're good.

All right watch.

Okay, if he won't sign I'll fire a bazooka up his ass.

And take a giant sh*t down the bazooka hole! I've got enough sh*t with your f*cking kid blowing off my kid's thing.

He f*cking better, or you'll never see the Lakers again.

f*ck you.

Michael, I'm sorry, I'm dealing with a real shitstorm, here.


- No problem.


- Thank you for coming.


- Larry this is Henry.


- Yeah no I'm good.

No, actually Leonard Well f*ck him! f*ck his face off, and when he pick it up off the floor, f*ck him in the ass! Leonard I wanted you to meet Henry, because he is the best actor I know.

This waiter, we're talking about? He is a good waiter, he's is a fantastic actor.


- Wa wait a second.


- Yeah, there it is,
- He read for you a few years back?
- I did.

All right, you come with me.


- Harry, right? Doesn't matter.


- Henry.

I don't know, I thought it'd be so great being popular, but it's so confusing.

I know, I was popular for like, I dunno, two years before I figured that sh*t out.

Cause it's like you try so hard to be cool, right? But then if you're trying to be cool then that's not cool.

And the kids who aren't trying their the ones that seem to having all the fun, so I don't know, don't you wanna like forget about being "cool" for a second and just have fun? Your friend megan's here.

She brought you this.

Oh my god.

We used to play this at slumber parties like all the time.


- See?
- Sweetie! God dad! Will you get out of here! Hey, hey, look who's here to say happy birthday.


- It's Michael.


- Taylor.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

And look who's here with a question for you? "Are we having fun yet?"
- Right, from those commercials?
- Beer commercials She used to run around the house saying it all the time.


- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

Jesus, not even a g*dd*mn smile? God, dad, I was, like, nine.

When she was nine she wasn't a f*ckin' complete f*ckin' spoil f*ckin' brat! Okay we will get this at a different
- moment.


- Okay.

So do you normally do the casting decision and stuff? Did you see "blob, extreme? " The guy who played the fireman in that he was one of mine, but he wasn't't half as cute as you are.

I'll get you something much better in Poe.

You're gonna make a great young Lincoln.

Maybe this isn't like the best time to like do this.

Don't worry about about Leonard.

I never would've married him if we didn't have an understanding.

You're so hot.

Thank you.

You're very hot yourself.

Oh god, yeah, It's nice on the ear.

So the "Dro Grizzle" is a franchise that people can buy into? Right, right.

You buy in, do your thing under the umbrella of the brand.


- You help us grow, we support you
- Here you go.

Like that soup thing you were telling us about.

Soup r'crackers.

Fastest growing non
-poultry, non
-coffee franchise in all of southern California.

All you can eat soup, salad,
- bread.


- I ain't never heard of that.

You for real, like all you can eat.

The only limit is your digestive system.

You find out when we're going on, man?
- You find out what time we going on?
- Right, it's nuts out there.

Hey before I go, since you guys never heard of it, I'm wondering if there's an opportunity to open up a franchise to south central, for guys like you who never had all you can eat soup? I might be on the ground floor of a sensation, here.

No, no you gotta check your demographics, man.

If you do, you'll find south central L.

A.

is increasingly home to a majority latino population.


- Is that right?
- Dead serious.

Ain't a lot of brothers hankerin' around for no soup.


- So, it's like a white thing?
- Well, put it like this, when I think about soup, I think about Reese Witherspoon
- eating that sh*t.


- I think Matt Damon.

What about those b*tches off the hills? Nancy Reagan, old soup eatin' ass.

Hannah Montana f*ckin' ass.

That bitch probably eatin' some rich soup.

Tiger Woods, he probably would.

I can see him eatin' that sh*t.

The guy's part Thai.

No, he come from a long culinary tradition of exotic soups.

You know what I'm saying'? I don't imagine it's that exotic.

It's more hearty soup, like chicken rice.

Now see my dilemma is, I don't see black people going nowhere that say "cr*cker" anything.


- That's true, I know I'm not.


- Hold on, that's interesting to me,
- why is that?
- Show him why Greg.


- Souper crackers.


- You don't get what he sayin', imagine your grandma goin' into a place to buy soup and it's called souper angry blackman.

History of the south, man.

All that r*cist sh*t.

Man it's just all bad.

You might as well call it "sl*ve whippin' soup.

" "All you can eat sl*ve n' salad and sh*t.

" "Lynch and soup.

" What about "Soup R' Oppression" The "Jim Crow soup and salad.

" "No n*gg*r soup.

" Right? No, you look awesome.

Go out there and have fun, you know.

Be yourself.


- Are the real friends coming?
- Constance! Just keep walking, okay.

What the f*ck man, that was the best part of the comics, Edgar Allen Poe, total alcoholic fights vampires.

Well, in the script, he's not an alcoholic.

So he's not really Edgar Allen Poe.

He didn't really k*ll vampires, now did he, sweetheart.

Is the love interest still his 13 year old cousin?
- They're lookin' at Natalie Portman.


- Who's like 40.

f*ck.

These assholes always f*ckin' up the comics.


- You guys see Dark Knight?
- My dad said it was too violent,
- he wouldn't let me go.


- sh*t, we should go.

Give me you number, this weekend maybe, or I'll come pick you up or I'll be over here.

We gotta play this.

Finally, she's out.

Hey you, I owe you big time, you're Mary Todd Lincoln.


- Whatever, where are those rap guys?
- They're in back.

FYI, I won't pay to see Edgar Allen Poe fight vampires sober.

Nobody gives a sh*t what you think, dink.

People care what I think.

I have a prestigious blog, sir.

Nice work, Klein.

I feel like an extra in an after
-school special.

I do too, kind of.

So what happened with Leonard? What do you mean what happened, you were there.

I know but did Michael go and talk to him is he gonna give you a part? He's not gonna give me a part.

Why?
- Sometimes they give you a part.


- Come on!
- It has to happen sometime.


- I remember this feeling, okay, and it's like b*ating my head against that wall.


- I'm so sorry, I didn't know.


- What? I didn't know, that you loved this loser minimum wage life
-style so much that you didn't want to part with it.


- I do.


- I wasn't aware.


- I do.


- I'm sorry.

What I should go talk to him because what, it's fate? You should just not be a total idiot for one second of your entire life.

And just do it.

Just do it.

Just do it, what the f*ck? All right party's on, Leonard's happy, it's the perfect moment,
- you wanna do it?
- I don't come on, this is how these movies end.

Everyone's happy at the end.

You don't wanna be the young Abe Lincoln? No I really wanna be, I really wanna be Lincoln.

That's good! I love that.

You love that? sh*t! What the f*ck? No bullshit, he'd be perfect for the role of young Lincoln.

Mikey, if you say so? He looks a little bit like Lincoln.

Where are those f*ckin' rappers? No bullshitting he's perfect for it.

Maybe we get the script Wait a minute now, if he's the next Pacino,
- what does that make you then?
- The next Costner.

All right listen man, can you come in to read? You mind You gotta be f*ckin' kidding me now it's f*ckin' waiters?
- He's an actor.


- Beautiful and actor, so now I get to put this f*ckin' guy in a movie.

Don't get your d*ck in a wad, it didn't get that far, I think he's f*ckin' gay.

I'm not gay! My teeth! So, maybe we'll have him call the office on Monday.

Yeah, yeah sure Here we are, f*ck, about time.

Let's go man, you're on.

Nah, dude, I'm done, that's it.

It says it in my contract, I'm out.

You can't f*cking walk out now! We got her out of the stateroom.


- What is a stateroom?
- It's what they call a room on a boat.

So why don't they just call it like that? Why don't they call the front the front? We'll have Stephanie fax over a script You f*ckin' walk out on me now, I will k*ll your entire family chop them up into little pieces eat them! Come over to your house the next day and sh*t them out on your face.

Don't do that, that's a lot of sh*t.

Just call our lawyer, man.

Dude, good sh*t, man.

And I mean that, good luck with the soup sh*t too.

When it come out, I'ma eat some my n*gga, real.

Dro, I appreciate the advice.

Do you know who I am, you f*ckin' f*ck you, you f*ckin'
- f*ck!
- That's original.

Tell you what Leonard, you're dealin' with a lot of stuff let me take one off your plate, young lincoln, look at that profile that's a penny, that's a lucky penny.

I f*ckin' hate Pacino.

Is that right? All right, all right.

So? My fate is with the losers.

Feel like dancing? I think this went much better than it would've went with Valhalla catering.

f*ck off.

Chad? Chad baby, I'm so sorry.

f*ck this.

It's like a fairy tale! You still like me, right? I do, but I probably would like you more if you were helping Edgar Allen Poe fight vampires.

What did Stiltskin write on the comment card?
- I don't wanna say
- Let me guess, he wrote, "You f*ckin' suck at catering you f*ckin' fat f*ckin' pieces of f*ckin' sh*t, you f*ckin' stupid f*ckers, f*ck you.

" All right you freakin' me out, that's exactly what he said.


- Word for word?
- Look.