02x03 - Nick DiCintio's Orgy Night

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, I I understand, Uda.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, did you change his water or something? Don't worry, boss.

Getting off the phone.

Don't wanna be on the phone at work.

Okay, now's not really You're on the phone.

I totally see how that's fair.

Okay.

What?
- Henry?
- Yeah? Can I do bar or plates or anything but this?
- It's too soon.


- Too soon? Mandy loved cheese.

Mandy dumped him.

Okay, just do plates.

And, Roman, cheese please? Thank you, Henry.

I knew you'd understand.


- I don't, but
- Hey, sorry I'm late.

Oh congratulations, jumping boy.


- Shut up.


- Congratulations?
- What for?
- Oh, you didn't hear? Kyle's big BASE
-jumping movie was released.


- What?
- On DVD.


- Oh my God!
- In Asia.


- Ahh!
- Under the title "Jumping Boys.

" Oh! "Kyre, congraturation!" No, no "Kyre, contraturations.

" It got dumped.


- It's a sh*t movie.


- Well Aw, straight to video, m*therf*cker.


- How are we doing in here? Okay?
- Yeah.

Great.

Can I have everybody's attention
- Guys? for a second down here? A couple words about tonight nothing too complicated.

Just a gathering of friends.

I wanna keep the vibe kind of casual fun.

So let's keep the drinks full.

Let's keep the appetizers circulating, but let's not get in anybody's face, you know.

I just want our guests to feel very relaxed and uninhibited, so let's be like children: Seen but not heard.


- No problem.


- Um oh! And one last thing.

It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway: Stay out of the f*ck room.

Oh, chicken.

Chicken chicken chicken.

That was my lady
-friend's second favorite type of ex
-lady
-friend, ex
-lady
-friend.


- I just gotta get used to saying it.


- Hey, Ron?
- Yeah?
- Why don't we circulate? Yeah, circulate.

Sorry.


- Roman.


- What? Didn't the host specifically ask us to stay out of the f*ck room? A f*ck room is a room where people are f*cking.


- That's just a room, so
- Okay, but So it's like an orgy? It's not like.

It's precisely an orgy.

How did you not get that from the invitation? I thought it was like a mask party.


- What's a f*cking mask party?
- I got it was an orgy.

You did? Totally, right?
- Hello.


- Drinks.

Great.

Maybe let's all get loosened up, huh? And I have straws in case anyone has trouble with their beaks.

Nick: Super, great.

So nobody has seen "Eyes Wide Shut"? Oh, I have.

It's the one where Lindsay Lohan plays two people.

No, it's the one with the orgy.

That one's good too.

Very good film.

Okay, guys, take it from the man who just spent eight miserable years in the cage.

We only get one chance at this life, okay? Let's not waste our lives denying our desires.

No! Let's check our hang
-ups at the door.

Let's grab freedom with both hands and live! Come on! Seriously? Hey, what's going on? That's a really cool mask.

Like, what is that? Some kind of bird or something.

Yeah yeah, I was thinking a bird.

Maybe like a peahen, like an ibis.

Kyle, meet me at the bar, okay? Yes, sir.

God, this job sucks.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, the good news is I just happen to have a shower that will hold one, two, three, four, five people.

You wanna try it? I would love for Hey, everything okay? Besides the fact that we're catering an orgy,
- yeah, everything's just great.


- I know, I know.

Alan Duk said he wanted us to work it, okay? And to call if it got good.

So you can be in charge of that.

Okay, if you're uncomfortable, I can have you switch with someone.

Hey, Roman, switch with Casey, okay?
- Casey, you got prep and garbage.


- Oh garbage cool! So for the crime of having standards I get thrown on garbage? It's not a crime.

I'm just giving you another option.

Thank you for that, really.


- What?
- Nothing.


- That girl has got a great ass!
- Hey, shh! Why don't the two of you just go f*cking tag team that ass? Do you want to tag team it together and then high
-five each other? Just for the record, I'm not into that.

Two guys on one chick you're a perineum away from kissing d*ck.


- What?
- Are you okay? Because you seem like you're What? Like I'm about to start my period?
- I was not going to say that.


- You know what? Don't let me block your view of the orgy.


- Excuse me.


- Jesus.

Like this qualifies.

I understand the confusion because you don't use the word "orgy" on here anywhere.

Well, that is because I wanted it to be classy.

Right, and "Eyes Wide Shut" is a good theme? Yes, they do wear masks, but their whole orgy was stocked with hookers.


- I don't think that's true.


- Absolutely.

That movie is really confusing.

If you want, I can give this party a once
-over and give you some tips.

Have you been to a lot of orgies? No, but I've read a lot on the subject.


- I'm a reader.


- Okay.

Have you ever been to an orgy? Can't say that I have.


- Me neither, it looks like.


- Aw, it's early.

A few drinks people will warm up.

Ed, my ex well, get a couple of beers in that guy and he'd just start yelling for me to make out with my friend Peg.


- Did you ever do that?
- Gosh no.

Well, I mean after my divorce, but with a special friend.

So I was sorry to hear about your divorce.

Oh, no no no.


- No.

Not like that.


- No?
- Free at last.


- Oh yeah, sure.

No, it's so refreshing not to have somebody
- glaring at you all the time
- Uh
-huh.

and telling you what to do.

Telling you what to wear or when to talk, or locking up the remote, or calling you hog body.


- It's liberating, isn't it?
- It sure is, yeah.

Whoo, free! Just me, dying alone.

Must be really lonely for you here in this really big beautiful house of yours.


- You know, it's just you.


- Yeah.

What do you do for a living, may I ask?
- Estate law.


- No way.

That is the most exciting it's my favorite law that you just said.

Wait, Mira? Hey.

Kyle.

It was three years ago.

We did some extra work on "Gilmore Girls.

" Oh yeah.

Yeah, hey.

How's everything going? Ups and downs.

More downs now, but Ugh, dude, tell me about it.

I did this movie last summer.

Just found out it's going straight to DVD.


- Bummer.


- I know.

But I just got a callback for this horror thing.

It's called "Chop Shop.

" It's about a shop where they chop people Sorry.

Actually I have to go hold the tray of condoms and lube, so Yeah, do your thing.

Okay, good to see you.

So first, the lighting's way too bright.

So first, the lighting's way too bright.


- Okay.


- Pimples they're not sexy.

Bring the lights down.

And the music's gotta change.

Sexual drive resides in the hypothalamus.

So what you want is a b*at that kind of stimulates that.


- Okay.


- People around here are sipping, like what you're doing right now.

They need to get f*cking smashed.


- They gotta down 'em, you know?
- Right right right.

Gotta get that going.

I have some ideas.

But the most important thing is grouping.

You want to find your f*ck actives, cluster them together.

And when they start f*cking, your f*ck passives will see that it's okay and they'll join in.


- Ah! That's great.


- Yep.

That's very very good.

Get to work on that.


- Oh great.

Okay.


- Excellent.

Ron: And her smile! Her smile was like her teeth were made of sunshine.

Aw.

And now every day feels like it's made of sh*t.

For f*ck's sake.

She must've been really special.

Oh my God, Jeremy, you don't even know.


- Are we good?
- L I mean, I've had better days.

Anybody need drinks? We all have drinks? Great, super.

Let's not forget why we're here, right? Ron: Thank you for letting me just vent a little bit.

We should exchange emails.

You know, it was like a dog ate my heart and now all I'm left with is this empty rib hole of memories.

Okay, Casey, change of plans.

Can you go circulate a little bit, please?
- Out there?
- Yeah.

You just told me that I don't have to go out there.

Henry, Henry, Henry, let me go out there.

I need to be around people and laughter.

Ron, I'm sorry, but the host said you're ruining the mood.

And Casey, don't worry.

There's nothing going on, believe me.

Oh well, that must be so super disappointing for the perverts.

Hey, are you actually upset about something? No.

It's it's personal, so forget about it.

I don't want to cross the line, you know, now that What? Now that we're co
-workers? Mm
-hmm mm
-hmm mm
-hmm.

Okay, Ron, just finish whatever it was Casey was doing, please? Yeah.

Aw, cheese.

She loved cheese.


- Henry.


- What? You know what this feels like from when Casey dumped you.

Yeah, like a dog ate my heart.

Exactly.

Come on, come on.


- Let's do a drink.


- No.


- A drink.


- No way.

I'm pouring them.

Just one.


- Yes.


- Okay? Ha ha ha ha.


- All right.


- Hey, to women.

Really? To women?
- Yes, to women.


- Okay.

Both: Karate!
- Just like the old days, man.


- I remember that.

That is like the old days when you and me, back of the van
- pow pow pow pow.


- Yeah.

Just two guys, not a care in the world.


- Those were the days.


- Aw man, the good old days.


- One more.


- No no no.


- Henry.


- No no.

Okay.

Go for it, man.

Don't be shy.

That's what the masks are for.

The mask is the problem.

My mom was a clown at kids' parties and stuff.

Right, Casey, how many orgies have you worked? This is the first.

Aren't they common here? No, they're not common here.

Thank God.

What is all this sh*t? Is this what guys like? Sex as a baseless party game? Um, I think so.

What do you think of Nick?
- The host?
- Yes.


- No.

Really?
- Yes.

What do you mean? Single, lawyer, big house.

Yeah yeah, he's into anonymous cheap sex.

Casey, men aren't like us.

To them sex is a big deal like sports or flags.

If you have to humor them a little bit to get your foot in the door, so be it.

You see cheap sex, I see a very nice house and a man who needs a woman's touch.

And just between us girls, it's been a while since since I you know.

Mm! Oh yeah yeah yeah.


- Since I had sex with a man.


- No, I got it.


- Okay, so they're called body sh*ts.


- Yes! So what you do is you take your top off and then you just kinda push your boobs together.

And then I'll pour in between and someone else is gonna drink.


- Yes!
- I mean, if you want, I can demonstrate how to do the drinking part.

You want me to take off my shirt?
- Yes, and then push them together.


- No no no.

You go first.

You go first.

No, you.

Look, you have way listen, you should do this.

It's gonna be so much fun.

You're not gonna regret it.

I'll do it.

Who wants to do me? She was about to Roman: It's supposed to be a woman, man.

And maybe if you were cut and chiseled, right?
- But
- But what? I'm going.

You know what? No, man.

Look
- Pour for me, buddy.


- Roman: Oh, come on.

I mean, we might as well do it off the side of a moose.

Okay! Who's drinkin'? Come on, don't leave me hanging.

I gotta drink solo?
- Pour, my friend.


- Jesus, man.


- Man: Are you sure?
- Yep.

Oh! You're making a mockery of this entire thing.

This is ridiculous.

Casey, body sh*ts are supposed to be on a woman, right? For the flow off the tits.


- Yes!
- I'll go.


- Whoo!
- Yes yes yes!
- All right!
- Take your shirt off.

Take your shirt off.


- Come on.


- Pour.

No no, this is backwards.


- You're doing it backwards.


- Whoo! This isn't how this is supposed to be.


- Whoo!
- Close enough.

Yes yes! Keep them drinking and get them into the f*ck room.

Great.

Hey, everybody, how about we move this thing into the back room?
- Who's in?
- I'm in.

What are we doing? Well, with a little bit of elbow grease this thing might come together.


- Well done, team manager.


- Thanks.

See, I prefer to play the game.

Kyle: Watch the bar, would you? Oh yeah, right.

Dream on.

Hey, Mira, what's up? My number.

Yeah, I know the casting people for that horror thing, so just give me a call or whatever.

Uh, where would you like me to put it? Oh right, of course.

Well, I was thinking maybe you could give me your number and then, you know, we could hook up later.

Look, I don't wanna be hit on right now, okay? No way.

No.

But I was thinking, you know, we could get together, do some scene study, a little cold read whatever you need help with.

Like how to be yet another sad
-ass unemployed wannabe actor in L.

A?
- I got that down, thanks.


- Whoa.

No, that's not me.

No no.

Things are actually really happening for me, so Yeah, for you and the million guys just like you getting off the bus every day.

I'm glad you think you're special, but maybe one day when you're standing nude in a stranger's house to pay your rent, you might realize, "I'm not special.

I'm just another grain of sand on that endless f*cking beach.

" But hey, if you're cool with your delusion, congratu
-f*cking
-lations.

But please, don't try and sell me on your bullshit, okay? Woof.

Epic fail.

Did you tell her you were gonna be huge in Phnom Penh? You doing okay with that cheese? Yes yes, it's good for me, Henry.

Confront my feelings head on.

f*cking cheese.

Everything okay, Kyle? I don't know.

You two come with me, please.


- Lydia?
- Yes.


- g*dd*mn body sh*ts.


- What are you doing?
- You gotta get back into the party.


- On my way.

Get him up, get him on his feet and get him out of here.

Please.


- Oh, I am so embarrassed.


- Nick: Quickly.

Don't be embarrassed.

No no no.

You're human.

We all have desires.


- That's why we're here.


- You don't understand.

I'm his supervisor.

I'm supposed to fire him on Monday.

Oh.

I won't tell him that.

He lives right down the street.

But take him out the back, okay? Don't let everybody see him.

It's disgusting.

Pants, get the pants.

But no oh no no.

You don't need to go.


- L
- No, it's so funny I have to go.


- No.


- No, I gotta go.

The great thing would be it would ahh.

Oh.

Crap! That was one.

Whew! Boy, that's frustrating.

A lot of stress throwing your own orgy and
- I don't know how you do it.


- It's very very stressful, yes.

You are something else, mister.

Hey, is this where the action is?
- It is exactly where the action is.


- Not really.

Wrong.

Wrong place.

That seat's taken.


- Oh!
- Sorry.


- Ooh!
- Excuse me.

We went for a drink and the bartender left, so The bartender left? Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Okay, I'm gonna go make sure there's a bartender.

You get crazy.

I'll be back with more bodies to Okay, come on back.

Hurry back.

Uh yeah.

I don't think so.

One time she shaved my dog.

Didn't even ask me.

She said it was so he'd be cool.

I said, "He doesn't look cool.

He looks gay.

" And then her gay friend is standing right there.

He's like, "What is that supposed to mean?" I'm like, "You're looking at me like I'm the freak?" I just broke up myself, you know? I thought she was the one.

No.

Hey hey, if you were still together, would you have been at an orgy tonight? Well, yeah.

I mean, it's my job.

Jeff, do you think maybe you're lost? I don't know.

You know, who doesn't wake up in the middle of the night, like, "Who am I?"
- You know?
- No.


- "What am I doing?"
- No no no.

I mean, like, do you actually live in this neighborhood? Because Nick said you were right down the street.

Oh no, mm
-mm.

I don't live here.

I live You know what? I'm gonna go back to the orgy.

Hi.

The host needs a bartender out there.

That's me, a bartender.

Yeah.

So you okay? I could be, or I could be totally f*cking screwed.


- How do you know?
- Oh my God, guys.

Guess who just got two chicks to make out.

I think we might actually get this party into full swing.

What the f*ck's going on with him?
- I have no idea.


- Jesus, man.

With all the chicks you get, if you expect us to feel bad for you just 'cause one girl turns you down Hey, guys, I'm trying to throw an orgy here and there's nobody at the bar.

I got it.

I'll be right out.

What is it? Is it "Jumping Boys"? Is that what's going on? This sh*t happens all the time in H
-wood, man.

Hey, do you do you think I'm gonna make it? I mean, I don't She said I was a, you know, grain of sand that's, like, delusional to think that I'm the sand that's gonna make it off the beach.

You know, like, what if she's right, man?
- She's wrong.


- It's what you tell me all the time.

I know.

I'm just f*cking around with you.

Jesus.

So you think I'm gonna make it? I think I think we're all gonna make it.

Do you think I'm gonna make it? Who are you gonna believe? Some bitter wannabe who's pissed from working a shitty dehumanizing job or me? You really think I'm gonna make it? How many times you want me to say it? Just, like, one more would be nice.

You're gonna make it.

You're gonna make it, man.


- You know what I miss?
- Hmm? A feeling of purpose.

So Soup 'R Crackers didn't work out.

So long as I had Mandy my life had meaning.

And now I'm like what am I doing? I know the feeling.

I mean, you know, maybe I was too quick to put her on a pedestal.

She's not perfect.

She's messy, kind of rude, called me fuckstick all the time which she said it was a compliment.

Because you're a giant d*ck? Yeah.

But it's how she said it.

You know, "Don't touch my fries, fuckstick.

"
- Yeah.


- "Fuckstick, I'm recording that.

" I don't know.

She also had a very rough tongue.

What about Uda?
- Her tongue? It's normal.


- No no no.

I mean, you don't talk about her at work.

What about what about her? She's nice, you know? She's down to earth and mature.

She can get uptight.

And she kind of talks down, you know? Like she always says, "Do you understand?" Like she's talking to a child.

But she's nice, you know? Does she give your life meaning? I don't know if I'd go that far.

Well, at least you got work.

Yeah.

Oh, God damn it.

I forgot to call her back.

f*ck.

Aw sh*t.

All right, this is crazy bullshit.

Hey, sorry.

Well, no Yeah, I understand.

No.

No no no.

I'm at work.

Somebody made a joke.

Yeah.

Yes, I understand.

No.

No no no.

L Uda.

Oh come on.

She f*cking hung up on me.


- Oh.


- sh*t.


- I'm sorry.


- No.

It's okay, I understand.

Oh.

Hey, Uda.

Hey, I am so sorry.

This is the f*ck room.

Time to get naked.

Come on in.

Two minutes on high.

Yeah.

Gotta go.

Mommy's working.


- All right.


- Fantastic.


- That's the lot.


- Wow.

I cannot thank you enough.

I owe you one.

Can I take that one now? I'll just sit in the corner and I'll watch.


- I'll just
- I'd really rather you did not, okay? But thank you so much, bro.

Okay.

Hey, how's everybody feeling, huh? You feeling good? You all feeling loosened up? Yeah? Well, guess what.

Then let's screw.

Whoohoohoo! Whoo yeah.

Guys, you're kidding.

Seriously? You're kidding me, right? It's not the polite conversation room, okay? It's the f*ck room.

Don't be in the f*ck room and be surprised if somebody wants to f*ck.

Don't even go into a room called a f*ck room and not expect to see some f*cking.

It's a g*dd*mn orgy, people.

Said so on the invitation.

It actually didn't say the word I'm not gonna argue whether it was on the invitation or not, okay? What's with all the hang
-ups? Hang
-ups are for my killjoy ex
-wife, okay? Are you telling me that I divorced that miserable shrew of a woman only to find out that the entire world is my f*cking ex
-wife? Is that what you're telling me? I am the loneliest man in the world because I'm the only free man on earth! Is that what you're telling me? Wow.

Wow, you guys.

Yes, of course I understand, Uda.

But, you know, you don't have to get so mad.

sh*t.

Sorry, there's this guy passed out in the other bath Yeah.

No, it's just one of the waiters.

Oh, honey, I can't leave work.

You know that.

Oh, come on
- Sorry.


- That's all right.

Personal? Her golden ram is sick.

Why does Uda have a sheep? It's not a sheep.

It's a fish.


- Oh.


- Yeah.


- Nick?
- Yeah? It's Lydia, the caterer.

You okay? It wasn't supposed to be like this.

What's wrong with everybody? Aw.

Nice high ceilings in here.


- Nothing but hang
-ups.


- I understand.

I don't have any hang
-ups.

Oh, let me just let me make baby feel all nice and what's in here? Hi, Mr.

Pillow.

Here, I'll just go
- Okay.

No thank you.


- Nicky?
- Hey.

Hey.


- Uh
-oh.

No no.

We're good.

We're all good.

Everything's good here.


- Lydia: Thank you.

Party's over.


- Where have you been? Just your the coats are in the guest room.

And then the purses oh God.

You're gonna mess up your nice bedspread that ooh, ha.

Woman: Hey, everybody.

Lydia: Hey, Nick, can we talk? Mother may I?
- Oh hey.


- Woman: Hi.

It's not about the fish.

It's not even really about her.

It's about the kid.

If the fish dies, then he'll be devastated.

And so she's just freaking out about that.


- Okay.


- It's irrational for sure.

But listen, as a member of the species, if you want to date women, you've got to put up with some irrational sh*t sometimes.

All right.

Well thanks, I guess.

And if we're breaking the code of professional conduct I go to use Paul's computer this morning
- and I open up the browser
- p*rn.


- p*rn.


- Yeah.


- But, like, a billion p*rn sites.


- Yeah.

Is that why you've been so pissy today?
- Yeah.


- Okay.

I'm also on my period.

I wouldn't even care.

Like, why would you lie about that? I mean, speaking as a member of the species God damn, what is the matter with you guys? Hey, we're fine.

It's all of you who are f*cking crazy.


- Yeah totally.


- Yeah.


- Good call.


- Yep.

Well, very nice talking to you, Pollard.


- You too.


- Mr.

Pollard.

Boss.

"The golden ram is a social fish which can get lethargic without peer interaction.

" So there it is, man.

You just get a second one and you're like a superhero.

It was a great great night.

Thank you.

And thank you, wonderful naked statue.


- Night.


- Great job.

Hey.

I just wanna say good luck with everything and don't stop believing, you know? Journey.

How profound for a bartender.

Roman: Good night.


- You
- Nick.

I really really seriously want to thank you.

You're welcome.

Just invite me next time, you know? So what happened in there? Did it all go down?
- It was great.


- Yeah? There was not any actual f*cking in the f*ck room per se, but it was a very very good start and certainly enough to keep me single for many years to come.

I can do that for sure.

No questions about it.

Oh, and hey, guys.

Hey, thank you for getting Jeff home.


- Jeff.


- sh*t.