02x04 - James Ellison Funeral

[bunniefuu]

Oh hey.

I need to pick up some cargo.

Do you think I could maybe borrow a ship from your hubby Aristotle Onassis? What a completely pointless snap, you numbskull.

A rough night? Uh, I did my scene in the Apatow movie.


- Oh great.


- Yeah.

And then after
-wards I went out with Seth and those guys you know, Seth Rogen.

Just when the names were dropping so subtly.

We went to this like premiere after
-party thing.

It was sponsored by that fig vodka.


- They have fig vodka now?
- They do.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I totally forgot that you don't get out very much anymore.


- What?
- You must be so jealous right now.

I am.

I am so Ron? Hey, Ron.

Did you prep the buffet table? Oh right, buffet.

"Dust in the Wind" on repeat.


- Kyle.


- Yeah?
- Could you give me a hand?
- Yeah.

I didn't want Henry to know.

I was putting in my earrings and I tripped and I dropped one.

Why would Henry care if you dropped one? It's fine.

I dropped it in there in the casket.


- Oh, um
- I'm sorry, Kyle.

I wouldn't normally ask.

It's just that Escapade gave me these earrings.


- No.

It's in there with the guy?
- Yeah yeah.


- Okay.


- It's in there.

You guys are ridiculous.

You've never seen a dead body before? Don't say "dead body.

" Why? That's what it is an inanimate object.

Okay, so go get her earring that was dropped in there.

Go for it.

You guys are like medieval villagers.

On a molecular level, this is no different than digging in a sandbox or a sock drawer.


- Lydia: Don't touch it.


- What? Oh no, I touched it.


- Roman, don't do it.


- Oh no.

I hope he wasn't m*rder*d, or else his unquiet spirit will come and haunt us.


- Man, come on.


- Ooh.

Seriously, cut it out, okay? Or else what, you think its eyes will pop open and it'll come out and eat everybody's brain?
- Hi.


- Hey now.

Hi.

So about 10 minutes?
- Yes.


- We're all set here.

Good.

We over
-ordered on food, so someone from the homeless shelter is gonna come and pick up the extras.


- So could you show him to the back?
- Yep.

And could you put my dad's cufflink back? Sorry.

If there was a common thread in my husband's life, from success at Dunn & Bradshaw to marriage to raising our beautiful daughter Mary, it was a commitment to values the value of hard work, the value of family, the value of giving back.

I know for me the values of James Walter Ellison live on.

Tad.


- Six minutes to sum up a whole life.


- Amazing grace Kind of makes you think, doesn't it? How sweet the sound Oh, and old black man playing the blues how original.


- Dude, shut up.


- That saved a wretch Awesome.

Ron, what are you doing? Death heavy sh*t, man.

Just taking the edge off.

No big deal.

Okay, but if a guest came in and saw you Henry, please.

Don't worry about it.

These people are cool.

Oh right, because they're black, they're cool with the wait staff getting high at their loved one's funeral? God, doesn't it blow your mind, man one minute he's alive, the next minute he's dead? Dust in the wind that's all we are.

All right.

Oh.

You're busting me for getting high? Come on, don't you see the irony there? I do and I don't like it, but I need you at the bar, Ron.

Are you okay? Am I, Henry? Am I? I got a dead
-end job, no woman, no car.

No, I mean are you mentally capable of performing simple tasks? Don't worry about me, Henry.

I was pretty much constantly high between 1987 and 2002.

Okay? So I think I can manage myself.

You just relax.

Mary: Thank you.

Relax, honey.

It's a lovely reception.

You did great.

It's just that none of the Phoenix people showed, and for all the time he spent in that office, I Excuse me.

Sorry.

Can I get either of you anything? Oh no, thank you.

Thanks.

The girl is getting something for me.

Thank you.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It seems like he was a good man.

That he was.


- Are you married?
- Me? No.

Girlfriend? Um, yeah.

A little tip about relationships: Forget fireworks.

You don't want something that blows all bright and then fades.


- Oh, thank you, sweetheart.


- Sure.

You know what love is? It's a crock
-pot not flashy, not exciting, but cooks at a low heat day in and day out and won't fade.

That's what you want.

I'm guessing your girlfriend has got herself a crock
-pot.

What? You're a crock
-pot.

So did he die at peace or was he, you know, m*rder*d? Good.

Thank you so much for coming.

Oh, you're welcome.

If you could come with us you this way Excuse me, sir.

You are awesome the blues.

Yeah.

I'm in a band.

I know.

I mean, that's where it all started.

Do you think you could teach me?
- The guitar?
- No, the blues, what it's all about, what it really is.

That would be awesome.

Mm, I don't know whether I can really explain it in words.

It's more like something you live.

Like the black experience.

And having stuff to be blue about.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Like I did this movie, right? It was supposed to bump me up to the B list.


- Okay.


- Well, it goes straight to video.

Yeah, and this yoga model I was hooking up with
- Mm
-hmm.

stopped calling.

And my X
-Box is all weird.

It's like nothing's going right.

Well, maybe I could try to sort of like give you a feel for it.

Yeah, okay.


- Give me your belt.


- My you want my belt? You want to experience the blues? Start by giving me your belt.

Experiencing being whipped like the slaves? What? No.

What's wrong with you? Oh.

This is a nice belt.

Yeah, it's Donna Karan.

So are we switching belts? No, I'm taking your belt.

Because the blues is about what you don't have.

Don't try to understand.

Just experience.

Right.

Okay, experiencing having no belt.


- And get me a Squirt.


- Oh, Casey's on drinks.

Oh, she wants to learn about the blues? Oh, this is part of the experience? Okay, got it.

Got it.


- And a plate of shrimp.


- We have shrimp puffs.


- Pick out the shrimp.


- Okay.

Yeah, like picking cotton.

Of course.

What did I say? Don't try to understand.

Just experience.

Right, I got it.

Thank you.

So the rest of the food is in there.

If you could just help her out, that would be great.

So did you park in the back? Uh, no, down the block.

Oh.

All right.

Well, I guess I could carry it.

Or maybe you could pull around back.

Uh, I don't know what you're Aren't you here from the shelter? I'm here for the funeral.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Henry: I'm oh sh*t.

Uh are you? Were you close? Okay.


- Boy: Mom.


- Oh, in here, Walter.

Oh God.


- What?
- Oh God, it's so obvious, isn't it? No.

I just I just wanted to come and say goodbye, but I stick out like a sore thumb.

Can I drink this? Yeah.

Sorry, I was just getting sparkling water.

You did good, my man sales leader of the year twice, a community leadership award.

Your friends and family out there talking about your legacy that's a life, my friend.

That's a life.

A resume like that I'd feel pretty good about being dead.

I mean, what are they gonna say about me? "Here lies Ronald Wayne Donald repeated first grade because he couldn't figure out scissors, first in his class to master a keg stand, partied for 20 years, ran a soup place for five months, never did anything, never won anything, never mattered.

" "And now he's dead and nobody cares.

We've got nothing to hang up on the wall to show that he even existed.

" Man: Excuse me.

Kind of an unspoken time limit.


- How am I doing on time?
- You're done.

Okay.

I don't know if I can do this.

I don't know if I can do this.

I never imagined it'd be like this.

Like what? So black? Well, he was black.

Not like this, all fancy
-pants NAACP award, "I'm so great," stuffy, They thought I was hired help.

The James I knew was a free spirit.

He hung with everyone.

Okay, just be one of them.

And if anyone asks I knew James from the Phoenix office of Dunn & Bradshaw.

That's right.

And no one will know because no one from Phoenix came.

It's just I'm a terrible liar.

It's not lying.

It's acting.

Look, I was an actor.

It's easy.

You just use the true bits and you fake the fake bits.

And that's acting? Most actors aren't bright, so it has to be simple.


- Thank you, Henry.


- No problem.

Hey, three whites.

What is going on with you and that woman?
- Oh, nothing.


- You are truly the worst actor
- I've ever seen in my entire life.


- What do you mean? It's so obvious that you're lying to me right now.

What was that? Okay, that woman What, she was the dead guy's mistress and the kid is the love child? What, are you f*cking se? It's that obvious?
- Are you serious?
- Are you serious? Are you serious? That's really what it is? I just guessed White wine.

What is that lady from the homeless shelter still doing here? Oh, she's not from the homeless shelter.

She is here to pay her respects.

I've never seen her before.

Yeah, well, she said she's from the Phoenix office.

Oh, at least someone showed up.

Worst actor ever?
- I know why you're doing this.


- Why? Because that woman called you a crock
-pot.

Uh, no.

And I'm not.

Yeah, 'cause your life's boring, so you're trying to create a little melodrama.

It's cool.

No, I'm just trying to help that woman out.

Okay, well, if the widow finds out about this Which she won't, because I am coaching that girl.

Oh.

Well, in that case Hey, honey, who is that? I don't know.

I think she might be from the Phoenix office.

Oh yeah.

I saw her come in.

I was like, "Who here came down with the case of jungle fever?" Right, like any of these guys.

Actually, you have it reversed.

Her lusting after him that's jungle fever.

I think it applies generally.

No, technically it's white on black.

Because black people live in the jungle? Not all, obviously.

Just no white people do.

Well, what term would you use to refer to a black person lusting after a white person? "Temperate deciduous fever," "fjord fever.

" These are all just facts of semantics.

I'm not being r*cist.

I'm post
-racial.

People are people.

If you're cool, you're cool.

If you're an ass, you're an ass.

Exactly.

What are you doing? Oh, that old bluesman is teaching me to understand the blues.

What is that supposed to help you understand? Oh well, not really just to understand more to experience.

Yeah.


- Experience the blues.


- Right.

I guess you could say I've done that.


- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

I got no woman Mm, lost the lease to my Camaro I got a dead
-end job, girl Got the dead
-end job.

What kind of accent is that? It's the blues accent.

Oh yeah.

Sounded like Indian or Jamaican.

No, that's the blues accent.

I think it's more like you know, like Loveable man Picking shrimp all day Ain't got no belt
- With no belt Ooh, singing.


- Ain't got no belt
- With no belt.


- Yeah.


- What are you singing? Thinking about the blues.

Yeah, and life and struggle,
- like does anything matter
- That's right.

'cause death is just the end?
- Death is not the end.

I can tell you that one for sure.

When my friend Peg's fiancé got sh*t, he haunted her apartment.


- Whoa, he got sh*t?
- A hunting accident.

Yeah, Randy had this t
-shirt with a big eagle on it.

And he came through the bushes and Peg just There's an eagle season? Duck.

But, you know, you see wings you just react.

But let me tell you something: Randy haunted her plumbing until she had to move to a different unit.

Ugh.

Ain't got no belt Oh, where's your belt, guy?
- Ain't got no belt
- Oh no Ain't got no belt Go high, I'm gonna go low Ain't got no belt
- No, you go high, I'm gonna go low.


- Okay.

Ain't got no belt Belt.


- That's not bad.


- That's pretty good, man.

Thank you so much for coming.

Mary, who is that? She's from the Phoenix office.

Oh, someone did come.

Well, that's nice.

He certainly does seem to have been well
-loved.

Yes, he was a good man.


- Are you married?
- Oh, I'm looking.

Well, you should do what I did find yourself a crock
-pot, hmm? Hey, may I ask you a question? Your parents is that a one
-of
-each kind of thing?
- Yeah.


- Great.

You might know this.

"Jungle fever" is it only when a Caucasian lusts after a black person? All right.

A plate of shrimp and a Squirt.


- These have tails.


- Yes.


- No, I think
- Uh, don't try to understand.

Clean it up.

And think about what you're feeling when you're crawling around down there.

Okay.

I think I'm getting it.

Hey, everything okay? Oh yes, thank you.

That really helped.

Can I drink this? Yeah.

So my dad must have been very popular at the Phoenix office.


- Oh yeah, he was
- What department were you in? Um, the Phoenix office? Sales? Did you say sales? Sales.

Sales is in LA.

Is this your son? Oh, yes.

Walter Walter? That's my dad's middle name.


- Yeah, it's such a popular name.


- Oh my f*cking God.

My dad and you and a f*cking kid? I just I just wanted to say goodbye.

I shouldn't have come.


- Get her out of here now.


- I don't really do that.

I am trying to throw a perfect reception for my mother's perfect husband.

And there is no way on today of all days my mother's gonna find out
- that her perfect
- Hello.

I'm Diane.

I heard you're from the Phoenix office.


- Vanna DeMilo.


- Oh.


- She's in sales.


- Oh, I am so glad you came.

He spent so much time there.

I'd love to talk about it.

Come come.

Diane: Let me show you What the hell is wrong with you people, huh? White people? Hey, I'm from the Sunrise Shelters.

Hey, Ron, can you show this guy the extra food in the back, please? I mean men.

Why can't you keep your g*dd*mn brains in your pants? Give me a scotch.

Look, it doesn't matter, you know? They'll talk.

She'll leave.

And your mom will never know the difference, okay? You'd better hope not.

My theory you know that white girl with the half
-black kid Walter? Oh, I met that woman.

She is from the Phoenix office.

Three whites and a red, please.

The dead guy his middle name is Walter.

10 bucks says that's his mistress.

Roman, have you met Mary daughter of the deceased? Oh, hey, you should tell your mom all this stuff.

No no, Roman, just not now.

What's more important the truth or protecting someone's feelings? "The truth shall set you free" Martin Luther King.

Actually, that's Jesus.

Also black.

Shut it, white boy.

It's obvious who has the racial issues.

Roman, do you remember that time that you made me read that script about the intelligent fungus?
- Which one?
- There's more than one?
- Yeah.


- The one there's the meteor that came down and then the people, they breathe in the fungus.

Oh, "Overlords of Gron.

" That was probably the worst piece of writing I've ever read in my entire life.

But I lied and I told you that I liked it just so I wouldn't hurt your feelings.

It's obvious that you're just saying this to refute my point.

No.

I would call Henry and I would read him lines
- over the phone.


- Oh yeah.

And we would just oh, we would laugh.


- We would laugh and laugh at you.


- "We are all descendants of Gron.

" "We are all mere cells in the super brain.

"
- This does not change how I feel.


- It doesn't? I'm glad you told me.

Try to be constructive next time.

Okay, uh, never show that to anybody involved in the film industry ever.

There you go.

So through there? Makes you think, doesn't it? This is it the end of the line.

Oh.

Ooh.


- Hey, you want one, man?
- Sure.

Makes you think, doesn't it, buddy? We're dead a hell of a lot longer than we are alive
- in a box
- Excuse me, where's the kitchen? six feet under.

That's life.

Nonexistence for eternity.

Oh wow.

All right, that's freaky.

Oh hey, buddy, the latch is there's no latch in here.

Can you open it up from the outside? Hey.

Hey! Oh, come on.

Argh! No no no no! No no no no no! There's just so much archeological evidence that supports the fact that Jesus was African
-American.

And the pyramids, Nubian pharaohs I mean, homeboy was dark.

Who's the white chick with the kid? She's from Phoenix.

James did spend a lot of time in Phoenix.


- Mm
-hmm.


- Mm
-hmm.

Haystack
-head, you missed a spot.

Kyle, what the hell are you doing down there? I'm learning about the blues something you wouldn't understand, man.

I'm sorry.

I just can't take it anymore.

Stand up, kid.

He's a g*dd*mn dentist.

I got him "How to Play Guitar" videos when he retired.

This is his NAACP Community Image Award.

Oh, he was so proud of that.

Wow, that's a side of him we never saw in Phoenix.

And my ex he was also very proud of his race.

He had an award.

Oh, he sounds like a very good man.

And what about your boy's daddy? Oh, Vanna was just He passed away, actually.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, it feels good to talk about it.

He was a good man, a lot like your husband, but more of a free spirit.

With us, it was just fireworks.

Excuse me, would anyone like anything? Or maybe we're done here?
- I'd like a club soda.


- Actually, Vanna was just
- Whisky and Sprite.


- White wine.

For me, I would think who would need all that drama? Oh, but you need some excitement.

You know what would be perfect? To have two guys one boring and one crazy.

Mrs.

Ellison, Morris Haines, head of the Phoenix branch.


- Oh.


- Sorry for your loss.

Oh, thank you so much for coming.

Well, if he could visit us twice a year, it's only right Twice a year? He was in Phoenix practically every month.

You do know Vanna DeMilo, sales department? L I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have come.

Oh Mom, I'm sorry.

Oh, it's you.

I always just assumed it would be some Asian lady.

Mom! Asian lady? Oh, he was very into the Asian ladies.

Honey, I knew he had someone.

Your father was a good father, a good husband, and he did very well at Dunn & Bradshaw, but if we had not had an open relationship, oh, we would have been bored to death years ago.

Well, it's so nice to meet you.

Thank you very much for coming.

Excuse me.

Mr.

Haines, did my husband ever tell you that he was cited by the city council? The city council? Excuse me, is this the James Ellison funeral? Sir, sir, sir.

Hey, I just wanted to say thank you.

I know you were pulling my leg a little bit there, but I still feel like I learned something.

There was nothing to learn, son.

But I still think I learned something from it.


- It was a joke.


- Which is what I think I learned from.

It was a joke.

I totally get it.

Oh hey, I found it.

It wasn't easy.

It was in his mouth.


- Oh God.


- Whose mouth?
- The dead guy.


- The dead guy's mouth? So funny I can't even say "dead guy" without you guys freaking out.

Oh my God!
- Henry.


- Ron.

Are you real? Am I alive? Yes on both counts.

Oh my God, Henry.

I saw everything.

I need to change my entire life.

Don't open the bottom half.

I have an erection for some reason.