03x18 - February 9, 1992

[bunniefuu]

They're underfed, they're hungry...

their lives slowly wasting away...

because they haven't
got enough food.

Hello. I'm Sally Struthers.

For just cents a day...

the price of an apple fritter...

you can help feed someone who
can't afford to feed himself.

The meals are free,
they're nourishing and...

best of all, they're...
pretty darn tasty.

Are you gonna finish this?

Your donation to the Feed the Planet
Foundation is totally tax-deductible.

Just think of it.
You're reaching out...

and you're giving
these people hope and...

Biscuits?
I love biscuits.

Mmm! Mmm!
Please send your donation today.

Just remember,
$ a month...

the price of a Grand Slam breakfast
and Dovebars.

You can give these people the sustenance
that they now so desperately need.

Please try to hurry though.
I've been here for six months...

and these people just seem
to be getting hungrier and hungrier.

I can't understand it.

Won't you reach out
and touch them?

Remember,
for just $ a year...

the price of, uh, buckets of chicken
and a Super Big Gulp Dr. Pepper...

you can give these people sustenance.

Just call -FEED-ME.

Give it to me!

Just give me a bite!

Please make that call.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Frankly, Reverend, I don't believe a word
you've said here today.

And furthermore, your so-called church's
fund-raising methods...

are immoral, if not illegal.

I assure you,
this Senate panel will not rest...

until we put every last one
of you shysters in jail.

Now, will you please call
the next witnesses.

- You don't look too happy, pop.
- See ya Sunday, Reverend.

Boy, I feel love this evenin'.

Remain standing and hold
up your right hand, please.

Do you, uh, solemnly swear
to tell the truth...

the whole truth and nothing
but the truth, so help you God?

So help me, my God.

Now, let he who is without sin
cast the first stone.

Hallelujah! For those
who wear fig leaves...

should not dance
with hungry goats.

Amen.

State your names for the records.

My name
is the Reverend Ed Cash.

Dollar bills.
No food stamps please.

And I'm the Reverend
Dr. Carl Pathos...

this ministry's spiritual...
gynecologist.

Now, would you, uh, please tell us
the name of your church?

That would be the First Church
of Discount Sin.

Yes, Lord, as of now,
we have six locations...

throughout the greater
metropolitan area.

The Lord is slashin' prices,
and all sin must go!

Just dial - -SI N-ALOT
for the franchise nearest you.

We even have a drive-through window.
Can I take your order, Reverend?

Yes. I'd like
some forgiveness, please.

Would you like
a hot apple pie with that?

Yes, and I'll have
a Moses McMuffin too.

Drive around.

Gentlemen, are you actually charging people
a fee to forgive their sins?

- We'd prefer to call it a donation.
- Praise be!

For he who giveth
shall be without sin for days...

or your money back.

I think somebody been
sippin' on the holy water.

Reverend Cash, um, it says here
that you don't earn a dime.

How do you, uh... How do you explain
your extravagant lifestyle?

Extravagant? Hmm.

You call this Rolex extravagant?
This is the bottom of the line.

No, you got it all wrong.

See, what I do is operate
a trust fund for the Lord.

- That's right, for the Big Guy.
- [Reverend Pathos Singing, Indistinct]

He's the one with all the money.
That's right. He tell me what to do with it.

If it was me, I'd invest it. There's a couple
of junk bonds I got my eye on.

But what can I tell the Lord? If the Lord
wanna buy a big hat with a feather in it...

what am I supposed to say...
"No, Lord, you can't have it"?

The Lord seen Shaft.

Stick it in and call it macaroni.
That's what I'd say.

And if he want a house, square feet,
what am I gonna say...

"No, Lord, you can't
have it on your Earth"?

The Lord uses thatJacuzzi
in mysterious ways.

And it's time for the Lord
to clean it out.

- Excuse me. Reverend Pathos.
- Yes.

How do you explain these expenditures?

$ to the Wild Weasel Dance Club.

Well, one must know evil
before he can condemn it.

What about $
to Rondell's Strip-O-Gram?

One must see evil
before he can denounce it.

What about $
to the Red Rooster Escort Service?

Temptation!

It is all around us, friends.

And how are we not to be distracted
when we know that somewhere, somehow...

breasts are being... augmented?

When I was a young man,
I said to myself...

"Reverend Pathos, you will not be driven
to wine, women or sugary foods."

And I could use A.A.
And a good dentist right now.

[Sobbing] O Lord!
I have sinned against you!

Uh, look, we also show expenditures here
for a company jet.

Now, how do you explain that?

Well, see, that simply
allows us...

- to get to the higher power.
- That's right.

See, the Lord don't always
wanna come down to you.

You think you can just bow your head
and he show up all the time?

- It's a long way.
- Sometimes he say, "Come up to my place."

Bounce on up there.

What about these taxes?
You haven't paid any in seven years.

- Well, that... Oh, hold on.
- [Cell Phone Rings]

- [Ringing]
- Oh.

Hello.

It's the Lord.

Yes, Lord?
Mm-hmm.

Well, that's what I said.
Who am I to say... Uh-huh.

Ooh. I ain't never heard
you speak like that, Lord.

Oh. I have to speak to him
in tongues. He's very upset.

[Speaking Gibberish]

Can anyone explain
what he is saying?

He said he's speakin' in tongues.
And speakin' of tongues...

I've been wantin' to do that
since I came in here.

Well, kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya.

Whoo-eee!
The Lord is upset.

- You have angered the Lord.
- Oh, no.

And now I must say a prayer
for you to... for forgiveness.

- 'Cause the Lord is pissed off.
- Say the prayer. Say it.

Bow your head, please.

Lord, please forgive these senators
for gettin' all in your business...

- [Indistinct]
- And treatin' you like some common criminal...

and tryin' to make you look bad
in front of all these people.

- Oh, yes, Lord.
- And, Lord, we know that
you don't like to go low...

- but you will if you have to.
- You will stoop.

You can stoop
just as low as them...

and show these here pictures we have
of the senator with these naked ladies.

We have seen the light
in the holy darkroom, Lord!

And, Lord, this ain't
the only sh*t you got.

'Cause you got all kinds of sh*ts.
I hope it ain't upside-down.

- Lord, please forgive 'em.
- Forgive them, Lord.

And let them know that the way
through forgiveness is by givin'. Amen.

Gentlemen, I think
we have seen a miracle...

and this miracle is forgiveness.

- Yes. Yes, that's right. The Lord
will extend his forgiveness.
- Yes, he will.

- But he ain't gonna do it for free.
- Not for free.

In order to be forgiven, you must go
to the root of the word, which is "give."

- Yes. Give it.
- For-give.

- Give again.
- Cough it up.

Reverend Pathos,
I think this deserves a song.

- [Objects Thumping]
- I thought you'd never ask.

♪ Ya gotta reach right out
and love each other ♪

♪ Never push or shove another ♪

♪ Unless you're angered by
something that they've said ♪

♪ And then feel free
to kick 'em till they're dead ♪

♪ Show their noses
where your toes is ♪

♪ I wanna kick them
till they're dead ♪♪

♪♪ [Industrial]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Buzzer Buzzes]

♪♪ [Industrial]

♪♪ [Ends]

- Hey, baby.
- [Sighs]

I'm ready
for that magic massage.

But look here,
don't get me too relaxed.

I wanna save somethin' for later,
if you know what I mean.

Yes, I know just
what you mean, lover boy.

But, fortunately,
I can't do you today.

- I have a girl fillin' in for me.
- Is she fine like you?

Let me just say this.

- Uh, her look is one you will not forget.
- [Murmurs]

I think you should
get to know her.

Hey, send her right in.
I love breakin' in new talent.

Ha ha!

Wanda, he's all yours.

Hey, where are you, baby?

Stop.

I guess you waitin'
on your masseuse, huh?

Ah. Well, actually, I was waitin' for a
beautiful woman to come walkin' into my life...

and I guess, from the look of things,
my wish has come true.

Hey. Word up.

- ♪♪ [Singing Pop]
- Hey, that's my song.

♪♪ [Singing Pop]

Sing it, beautiful.!
Sing it, girl.

Who you callin' beautiful? sh**t.
Beautiful ain't even the word for me.

They ain't even got no word
to describe how beautiful I am.

I hear that. See, I like it
'cause you ain't shy.

If you fine, you just accept it.
Is that right, baby?

- That's what I'm sayin'. For real though.
- I heard that.

For real though. 'Cause if you got the butter,
you might as well spread it.

- sh**t.
- I heard that.

So, tell me, baby...

would you say you look like Whitney Houston
or, uh, Paula Abdul?

Well, since I'm a natural
blonde and stuff...

people always says I look
like a black Vanna White.

- Vanna White, huh?
- For real though.

Mm-mmm. Well, I will hope
I get to get that free spin later on.

- And you never know. I might
flip your letters too.
- Ooh.

That's all I'm sayin'.

But see, you tryin' to give me
all them compliments...

'cause you tryin'
to get in good and stuff.

You just need to... Just lay back and relax
and let me concentrate on what I'm doin'.

- 'Cause, see, I'm gonna let
my fingers do the walkin',
- [Yelps]

And I'm gonna let your body
do the talkin'.

- Ooh. Ah! Yeah, right there.
- Oh, you like that?

See, I got a lot of tension
in my lower body...

so I'm-a need a little extra attention
back there, my brown sugar.

Oh. Well, just ask, and you shall receive.
You shall.

See... But let me show you somethin'.
Let me show you somethin'.

'Cause, see, this is a trick that
I learned from my cousin and them.

- It's like a Chinese foot massage.
- Mm-hmm.

I got a little toe jam.
Hold on.

- Ooh, girl.
- This is somethin' I learnt.

What I do is... I don't wanna
scratch you or nothin'.

- You gonna be all right?
- Girl, you ain't got to worry about that.

- Be as rough as you want. I'm a man.
- Okay. All right.

I'm a man, girl!
Ride 'em, cowboy!

Work it out.

- [Sniffing]
- That's all right.

Mmm!

Girl, you even smell good.
What do you got on, Poison?

- Oh. No, that's Desenex.
- Desenex?

- Isn't that a... Ow!
- What's wrong?

- What's wrong? Did I hurt you?
- Ow.

- No. I just got a lot of tension
right up in here, baby.
- Oh, Lord.

- Yeah, you do. You got a big knot right there.
- Yeah, uh-huh.

I can get that out.
You know what I'm gonna use?

I'm gonna use the Mr. Miyagi method
they did on Karate Kid. Hold on.

[Spits]

Hold on.

- [Sucks Breath] Ah!
- See, right there?

- Now, don't that hurt so good?
- Oh. Oh, this is heaven.

- Just call me the messiah.
- Mmm! Mm-mm-mm!

Well, look here. Let me turn around
and see my angel, 'cause...

No, no. Hold on. Hold on. You'll see
your angel as soon as you get to heaven.

You in a hurry.
You too fast.

Slow down.
You too fast.

- Well, good-lookin', let me ask you this.
- Uh-huh?

- How about if I called you tonight?
- Hey, okay then.

- I'll take you somewhere. We can get wine,
- For real though.

- Dinner...
- All right.

- And the whole nine yards.
- Oh, yeah. You talkin' the kind of stuff I like.

- Let's go.
- Let's go. I want to see my angel.

- ♪♪ [Singing Pop]
- Hey, that's my song.

[Screams, Shouting]

[Both Shouting, Indistinct]

Okay, yeah?
Okay, yeah?

You can do this.
You can do this.

I thought you said
you looked like Vanna White.

- I do look like Vanna White.
- You look like Slappy White!

I don't know
why you trippin'. sh**t.

Why you...

Why you trippin'?
Just calm down.

You so tense.
You so tense.

You need somebody
to console you.

- Just let me... I just wanna...
- Hey! Hey, hey!

Get off me! Hey!

You don't even know me!
You don't even know me!

I ain't got to know you. You was the one
sittin' over there talkin' about...

You gonna take me to wine and dinner
and lunch and all that kinda stuff.

You got me excited.
I'm just ready to go.

Look, read my lips, all right?
I don't want you.

Well, you read my lips.

I got you...

and I am ready to go.

Now don't make me get ugly.

Honey, I think we about
an hour past ugly.

Oh, no.
See, I can get ugly.

See, I'll bust
your black, narrow ass.

- Now you fool with me. Come on. Fool with me.
- I got a pork chop.

I got a pork chop
in my gym bag.

You gotta take me out to dinner.
I don't want no pork chop...

- Excuse me. Did you need some towels?
- No, girl.

What you need to do is get you
some business... your own business.

'Cause you're in mine. You all in my Kool-Aid
and don't even know the flavor.

Where you goin'?
See what you makin' me do?

- I'm sorry.
- Darn!

I didn't mean
to interrupt anything.

You didn't interrupt nothin'.
He was just tryin' to get some.

And, see, he got mad
'cause I wouldn't give it up to him.

- So he just got mad and left.
- Mm-hmm. That sounds just like him.

- So, we was... I be tryin' to,
you know, keep my stuff sacred.
- Mm-hmm.

All right. I'm gonna
check you later, all right?

All right. 'Cause he know...

He know I would've
rocked his world.

Hey, hey, hey. Well, I hope
you all enjoyed your evenin'.

I gotta get outta here.
I'm live on Roc next.

- [Man] Tommy.! Shut up.!
- [Laughing]

- Shut up, Tommy.!
- Get outta here. We'll see you next week.

- Stand up for your rights.
- Watch Roc. Tommy.

- ♪♪ [Hip-hop]
- [No Audible Dialogue]