03x19 - February 16, 1992

[bunniefuu]

[Man] And now we bring you
this special Elvis update.

Hello. I'm Bill Bixby
coming to you live...

from the remote field
in Alpina, Michigan...

where there's been
another Elvis sighting.

With me is Tom Carter,
who spotted Elvis first.

Tom, tell us exactly
what you saw.

Well, Billy here found some Elvis
droppings over behind Rosie's Diner.

When we got there,
we spotted him in the Dumpster.

Well, I flushed him out,
and boom, he took off like a rabbit.

And now we got him cornered
over there behind that tree.

I see. And how can you be sure
this is the real Elvis?

Well, I know the King,
and that's him.

Good enough.

Look. There he is.
Get a picture of that.

- Look at those markings.
- [Dog Barking]

- The telltale muttonchops. It's all there, folks.
- Let the dogs go, boys.

- [Barking]
- Go get him, boys.

Lfhe gets to the highway,
we done lost him.

You're not gonna
k*ll him, are you?

No, we'rejust gonna
put some tranquilizers in him.

We already got two darts
in him now.

Of course. The King has always had
a high tolerance for tranquilizers.

- [Tom] Hey. There he goes.!
- [g*nsh*t]

- Whoo.!
- [Men Laughing, Cackling]

[Man]
Hold up. Hold on. He's getting up.

- [Man # ] sh**t him again.!
- [Bixby] Are we getting this?

- [Groaning]
- [Tom] We got him now, boys.

He's down. He's down.

Oh, this is great. This is... The search is over,
ladies and gentlemen.

Elvis lives,
and we're gonna prove it.

My agent told me not to do this.
Can you believe it?

This is really something.
Oh, my gosh.

Let's see if we can get a word
with the King. Elvis, I'm Bill Bixby.

- Why did you fake your own death?
- [Groans]

- Can he hear me?
- [Screams]

[Man]
Look out.! He's coming to.!

Okay. He's more afraid of us
than we are ofhim.

[Bixby]
He's gone. He's gone. Oh, man.

Incredible, ladies and gentlemen.
Three darts in him, and he's still going.

Oh, we had hoped to bag
the King today, but, uh...

I guess once again
he gets through our dragnet.

- [Screaming]
- [Man] Oh, he's charging.!

Go! Go! Go!

- Jesus! Into the car!
- [Screaming]

Oh, God! Go!
In the car! In the car!

- [All Yelling]
- Oh, geez!

- Get in.!
- Get in the car.

- May have bitten off more than we can chew.
- Brace yourselves. He's rammin'.

Oh, damn it.
I dropped the keys.

- [Yelling]
- Take him out.!

- [Screaming]
- [Horn Honking]

We now return you
to your regularly scheduled program.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Man]
Coming from Twentieth Century Fox...

The Fist That Rocks the Cradle.

A tale about
a parent's worst nightmare.

As you know, we've already interviewed
several potential nannies for our children.

And since you weren't
referred to us by an agency...

we were wondering, could you tell us what
your qualifications are to be a nanny?

Well...

I'm a five-time Women's
World Bodybuilding champion...

and I can
bench-press pounds.

I've always wanted
to have children of my own...

but a few years ago,
during a crazy bodybuilding fad...

I had my uterus
made into a tobacco pouch.

Care for a pinch?

[Man] They wanted the perfect nanny.
She wanted the perfect family.

What's a girl to do?

You're my baby now.

My baby.

You won't be hungry anymore.

Let's see if I'm lactating.

[Grunting]

Soup's on.

♪ La, la, la, la
La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

You call that suckling?
Come on, baby.

Go for the burn.

I can't understand it,
Doctor.

The baby just won't
take my milk anymore.

Well, there's a simple
explanation for this.

Sometimes it's normal
for a newborn to...

reject its mother's milk
during the early months of growth.

Okay. But then how the hell
can you explain this?

[Man]
She started as the nanny.

Now she's
the head of the household.

♪ La, da, da
La, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Dee, dee, dee, dee ♪♪

See anything interesting?

Vera, I heard noises.
What are you doing?

I was just making
myself a B.L. T...

bacon, lettuce
and testosterone.

But I can save it
for the second course.

- Stay back.
- Why don't you just admit it?

When you make love to your wife,
it's my face that makes you shiver.

Vera, stay back.

How come you're so nervous?

Is there something about the way I move
that you find distracting?

- No.
- Maybe what you need...

is a potent aphrodisiac.

Not the passion pit.

Ah.

Now you're starting to
loosen up.

Whoo!
[Whinnies]

[Whinnying Louder]

What is going on here?

I am not gonna let you
steal my family.

Oh, my God! Look!

She's landed
on the picket fence.

The nightmare's finally over.

[Man] But little did they know,
their nightmare had only begun.

Like I said,
no pain, no gain.

...

.

That's it, baby.
You're not gettin' any younger.

[Man]
The Fist That Rocks the Cradle...

is the fist
that rules the world.

Go for the burn. Yes.
Just like that. Uh-huh.

- Hey, man. Are you sure about
this men's movement thing, man?
- Hey, man...

I don't know if I can talk about
all my personal stuff with some dude.

There's some things that only guys understand.
Why don't you just give this a try?

- Hey, Roy, man.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- Love ya, man.

- All right. You must beJimmy.
- Hey, what's up, man?

- Welcome to our Men's Wilderness Group.
- All right.

All right, man. Hey, everybody.
We've got a new member to our group.

- Everyone say hi toJimmy.
- [All] Hi, Jim.

All right.
Who wants to start?

Uh, I will.

- My name is Roy.
- [All] Hi, Roy.

And, um, I got some feelings that I'm having
a hard time expressing, man.

Well, go with it, man.
Let the you come through.

- Well, you know, after me
and my woman, we make love...
- [Man] Yeah. Yeah.

She wants to hug and cuddle
and all that, you know?

- What about my needs?
- Yeah.

You know, after making love,
I want a sandwich. Can I get a sandwich?

- What about me?
- Yeah.

I'd make you
a sandwich, man.

Hey, man. This ain't nothin' to be embarrassed
about. Its about sharing, man, tonight.

Yeah, well, you're sharing
a little bit too much.

Well, you know, uh,
if I could talk, man.

Can I talk?

- My name is Willy.
- Hi, Willy.

Yeah. You know,
and I got feelings too, man.

You know, like, every weekend
we play basketball in the park.

They play some pickup games
and stuff.

And usually when they're
picking teams and stuff...

usually... they don't
ever pick me, man, and, uh...

We want you, Willy.

You know, and sometimes, you know, I just...
I feel unwanted, man.

And sometimes I just
want to stand up, man, and just say...

"Yo, man! I'm here, man!
I'm open. I got him posted!

- He's posted!"
- [All] Go!

- You're open!
- But they don't throw me the ball, man.

I just want to yell, man.
[Howls]

Whoo! Whoo!

- [Whimpers]
- Nice share, Willy.

That was a nice share. All right, Jim.
You want to share something?

Ah, yeah, look here, man.
You know what?

I think I'm gonna pass on this one, man.
[Laughs]

Y'all are bugged, man.
I ain't gonna be...

Hey, man.
What's so bugged about it? Eh?

We're all human beings here.

And so we touch each other
every once in a while. It's just skin.

- Okay, my name is Lou.
- [All] Hi, Lou.

[Spits]

Little while back
I was sport fishing...

uh, had a -pound marlin on a -pound
test line really giving me a fight.

Uh, I was just about to
get him into the boat, too...

when I suddenly
realized that I...

really never knew
my father.

[Sighs]

I guess what
I'm trying to say is...

that I hurt.

Somebody hold me.

Lou, it's okay, man.
It's okay.

Oh, man.

Thank you, man.

- Oh, Thomas. You're beautiful.
- All right.

You're always helping us out, man.
What's going on with you?

- Well, I'm Thomas Shepherd.
- [All] Hi, Thomas.

Oh, man. Well...

- something I never really told anybody.
- [Lou] Whew.!

- I came from a very strict home...
- [Lou] Yeah.

- And, you know, I always...
I always had to be grown-up.
- Mmm.

But, you see, there's...
there's a little boy...

and he lives right in here.

- What's his name?
- Timmy.

[All]
Hi, Timmy.

He never got the chance
to come out and play, you know.

- Mr. Shepherd...
- Yeah?

Can Timmy come out to play?

[Lou]
Come on out, Timmy.

[Roy]
Come on. You can do it, man. Come on.

[Lou]
Come to Daddy.

[Childlike]
I'm here!

I'm here, everybody!

I'm here!

That's great,
Timmy!

Let's play hide-and-seek. Come on, guys.
Come on. Let's play hide-and-seek.

- Okay. Maybe later. Maybe later, Timmy.
- No. Now. Come on! Now!

I said later! Sit on the rock until
I tell you further!

Oh, look, guys.

You know, like,
when we first got here, man...

I thought y'all was just
a bunch of freaks, man, but...

I'm starting to realize, man,
there's a lot of me in all of y'all.

- All right!
- All right.

All right!

What is it, Timmy?

I just made a stinky.

Go on with what
you were saying, man.

Uh...

well, I just...

I got something
I want to share too, man.

- Go with it, man. Go with it!
- All right. Here we go.

- Y'all ready?
- [Lou] Yeah.

Okay. Uh, you know,
last week, man...

I was with my wife, and we were driving to
her mother's house, you know.

And I'd never been there before,
so, uh, I started thinking, "I'm getting lost."

And I found myself, you know,
wanting to pull over...

and actually ask directions
or stop at a gas station.

And finally I just... Well, I pulled over,
and, uh, I told my wife I was lost.

What?

And then I gave her the map,
and I asked her for some help.

- You gave her the map?
- No! Little punk, man!

I don't know what's with you, man,
but this is a men's movement. [Spits]

Look. Don't look at me. I don't know nothin'
about this. Nothin'! Get off me, man. Punk!

Come along, Thomas.
Let's get out of here.

Timmy, come on!

Hey, guys!
Wait up!

[Man]
First came House Party...

then came House Party ...

and now the House is throwing
the biggest bash of'em all in...

House Party .

Starring Teddy Kennedy.

[Howling]

I am a party animal.

And I have the court papers
to prove it.

[Braying]

Who wants to earn a T-bill
the hard way?

[Man]
Also starring the Keating Five.

Special guest star,
Anita Hill.

Miss Hill, it was just awful the way
Clarence Thomas treated you.

Yes, it was, Senator.

Thank goodness there's people like us to
stand behind the women of this country.

Oh... You're so right,
Senator.

[Man] Plus a special appearance
by Vice President Dan Quayle.

Rock and roll!
[Laughing]

House Party ,
your tax dollars at work.

[Man]
Coming soon to a theater near you, Ghost II.

Oh, yes. I'm in contact with
the spiritual world...

and I have reached
your husband.

This is him now.

Ah, my dear wife...

there's one thing
I forgot to tell you...

uh, before I d*ed.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

♪ I've gotta be me ♪

What are you saying?

Uh, I'm sorry.
I'm getting some interference.

♪ I've gotta be me ♪♪

That's not my husband.

Why, you're nothing
but a cheat.

What the hell happened?

I'm back, and it's good
to be here, babe.

Hey, have I played
this room before?

Is this some kind of joke?

No, no, no.
It is Sammy, babe.

And you brought me here
from that big Golden Nugget in the sky...

and I love you
for your magical ways.

Is it really you, Sammy?

Of course it's me.
Check this out.

Hey, George.
Spotlight, please.

♪ I've got high hopes ♪

- ♪ I've got high hopes ♪♪
- Oh, please.

Any cheap impressionist
can do Sammy.

All right.
Then check this out, babe.

♪ Kow, kow
kow, kow, ka chow ♪

♪ Kow, kow
kow, kow, ka chow ♪

♪ Don't do the crime
if you can't do the time ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ Keep your eye ♪♪

Okay, okay.
It is you.

No one else would take credit for singing
the theme song from Baretta.

Well, it's no
Jumpin'Jack Flash...

but it helped pay for
the jewelry, babe, okay?

What are you doing here?
I don't handle talent for Comic Relief.

No, no. That's not it, babe.
You see, I need your help, Whoopi Goldberg.

- Why me?
- Well, I guess because we have
that kind of blackJew thing.

You know what I mean.
Don't jive me on this, Whoopi.

[Man]
One more song to sing.

One more big performance,
and only she could help.

Your husband sent me,
and he's here with me now.

This is not funny, and if you don't stop it,
I'm gonna call .

I told you she wouldn't
believe me.

Tell her, um, um...
♪ Here come the judge ♪

♪ Here come the judge
Here come the judge ♪♪

He says: ♪ Here come the judge
Here come the judge ♪

Yeah, well, right now here comes the police,
because that's who I'm calling.

- She's not buying it.
- Ah, look, don't worry.

I think that was a little bit too hip
for the room. All right. Check this out.

Do my fake Hollywood laugh.
[Laughs]

I can't do you, Sammy.

Look, Whoopi.
I know you can do this.

Just mix a little Herman Munster
and Kermit the Frog.

[Mimicking Laugh]

Are you okay? Do you want some water?
Do you need to sit down?

No, no. I'm fine.
It didn't work. Now what?

Tell her I love her.

He says he loves you.

Sammy would never
say it like that.

Tell her I said...

♪ Sha boing, boing, boing ♪

- What?
- Just tell her. She'll know.

He says:
♪ Sha boing, boing, boing ♪

Sammy?
He is here.

Sammy.
Sammy, where are you?

He's here,
and he has a message.

Look, this is for you because I think
you are such a beautiful cat.

All right. This is
one of my favorite tunes...

and I'm gonna lay it on you
right now, you dig?

♪ I knew a man
His name was Sam ♪

♪ He danced for you ♪

♪ The old soft shoe ♪

♪ But when he left
the I.R.S. Took what was due ♪

♪ And left you blue ♪

♪ They took everything
they could find ♪

♪ Everything they could find ♪

♪ Except my love for you ♪

♪ Mr. Bojangles ♪

♪ Mr. Bojangles ♪

♪ Dance ♪♪

- I love you, babe.
- I love you too, Sammy.

Now hug me
like you hugged Nixon.

- [Man] Ghost II.
- [Sammy] Check it out, babe.

Performing the title cut
from the sound track Juice...

please welcome MCA's recording artist,
Eric B. And Rakim.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

♪♪ [Record Scratching]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]