03x20 - February 23, 1992

[bunniefuu]

Hi! I'm Kathie Lee Gifford.

If you're a busy person like me,
you'd love that deep, dark Saint-Tropez tan...

but you just don't have the three to four weeks
to lie in the sun and get it.

Well, here's the good news.

Now nature's loss is your gain
at fast-tanning Club Ozone.

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da ♪
If my friends could see me now!

Of course, my friends
probably can't see me...

because their retinas
have been burnt to a crisp.

We've peeled back the Earth's stratosphere
here at Club Ozone...

so you can get
the deep, dark tan you want...

in just minutes.

And our patented plumpers
tell you when you're done.

Our special aerosol tanning oil
not only burns you to the bone...

but also helps burn away
that unwanted ozone layer.

Oops. Looks like this one
got a little overdone. [Laughing]

[Man]
Hi. I'm a busy executive.

You know, in just minutes
at Club Ozone...

I got such a deep, deep tan...

that when I went home,
I got pulled over by the police twice...

and the bank even recalled my loan.

And it's my bank!

Now, that's what I call a tan.

Club Ozone.
We're your fast-tanning vacation spot.

Club Ozone, expanding soon
to a location near you.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪

♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go ♪♪

Oh, yo. What's up, man?

Hey, man. How's it going?

Nothin'. School's out, man.
Summer vacation.

No more teachers
for the whole three months.

- I know, and no more Mr. Macafee.
- You mean Mac-a-feeble.

- ♪♪ [Loud Tones]
- All right, people. Freeze!

No need to worry, people,
'cause Al Macafee's here.

One of the few, the proud,
the McBurger security guards.

You know our motto: " Keep your eyes
on the fries and our g*ns on your buns."

Come on! I saw that, you little line crosser.
Don't make me chase you.

- Oh, man.
- It's time you heard Macafee's speech
on cutting line.

Don't try doing cut-sies
or I'll hang my foot in your little butt-sie.

- With what, your Franken-foot?
- Oh, oh! I heard that.

You better curb your tongue, little man,
or you'll be out on the curb.

- Give me a break, man.
- Oh, yeah, you deserve a break today.

Right on your noggin!
Now, get lost, Ziggy Marley.

All right, troublemakers!
Off the premises.

You better mind your business, sugar foot,
before I break that DuPont leg.

- Oh, are you a bully, son?
- That's what my mother told me.

All right, son. Take a punch at a real man.
Come on, boy! Oh!

Now, you make me sick,
you little rapscallion.

I thought I told you
to leave the premises.

There are people starving, and you think
it's funny playing with your food?

- Those bullies b*at me up!
- Excuse me, son? Bullies?

- Those bullies.
- I don't see any bullies.

Next thing you're gonna tell me that the
Burger King himself is in the back room...

showing all the kids his Whopper.

Get out of here, you rat boy!

Hey! We weren't done with that yet!

- My retainer was in that tray!
- Hold it right there, missy.

Don't make me chase you.
You want a hamburger?

You'll march right up to the counter
and pay for it.

- You threw my retainer in there.
- Oh, I thought I heard that. You make me sick.

What are you doing with
a birth control device in the first place?

You want some birth control, little lady?
I'll give you birth control.

Close your drive-through window,
keep your two hands off the Whopper...

and maybe you won't be
knocked up next time.

Now, take a hike, you little trollop,
and take your pimp with you.

Jungle fever's one thing,
but that's ridiculous.

Oh, glory be.

Ruthie, my own special sauce.

Guess you got yourself a Big Mac att*ck,
didn't you, honey?

Boy, I'd like to be a caboose
on this love train.

- Hey! Stop!
- Ride up on it.

I'm just getting my lunch, and your ugly face
makes me want to spit up my breakfast.

- Oh, Ruthie, I wish I hadn't seen that.
- Seen what?

What?
You stole some extra napkins.

What else do you want? Straws, honey?
I can get you all the straws you want.

You know I'm a security guard.

Al, did somebody knock you upside your head
when you were a kid or something?

I'm gonna let you go this time,
but promise me you'll get some help.

Like maybe I can come over
to your house tonight...

show you something else to do with
those hands besides the five-finger discount?

Come on, baby.

I'd let Ted Bundy, the Boston Strangler
and Jack the Ripper give me help...

before I'd let you near me.

So, you're into white boys, are you?

How 'bout giving the old Mac truck
a test drive?

You know what I say. Don't start the engine
if you're not gonna drive it.

Doorbell! Ow!

I won, I won! I won $ , !

All right. Hold it right there, Urkel.
Let me see this thing.

What are you doing gambling
at your age, son?

It's not gambling. It's a scratch-off
game card, Mr. Macafee.

Scratch-and-sniff card, son?
[Snorting] I don't smell anything.

It's a game card, and I'm gonna use
the money to put towards my tuition.

My father never went to college,
and his father never went to college either.

It's no reason none of you went to college.
You're a family full of knuckleheads!

- Mr. Macafee...
- Let me tell you something.

That's reason enough not to get into gambling.
Let me tell you something.

One day it's game cards, and the next
you're a bagman for the damn mob.

- [Sniffling]
- Let me give you Mr. Macafee's
speech on gambling.

Son, don't rely on Lady Luck
'cause she's nothing but a tramp.

Now get lost.

Yeah, I think I told him who's in charge here.
Al Macafee, that's who.

Excuse me.

- Did I just hear you say you're in charge here?
- You got it, bucko.

Uh-uh. And you're just the only security guard
for the entire restaurant?

Betcha by golly wow!

- You got one of them big old g*ns?
- No, sirree de bobblewinkles.

Just years of jujitsu
and my little can of mace.

Yeah, I got two years in the pen
and six b*ll*ts.

- Oh, God. Oh, God!
- We're being robbed!

- [Screaming]
- Maybe you heard Macafee's speech
on cooperation?

Ask me once, and I'll do it twice.

Shut up.
Empty the registers. Come on.

I'd like to move faster, son,
but I've got a bum leg.

- ♪♪ [Dance]
- [Grunting]

Hello, everyone!

I'm Richard Simmons...

and I've spent a lot of time
and made a lot of money...

making overweight people cry
on all my annoying diet shows.

And now I'm back
with a brand-new diet plan.

But first, I'd like you to meet someone
who's really special...

a real inspiration, Amoeba Standstill.

Wait till you see this one!

Amoeba, how are you?

Hi, Richard. Hello, everyone.
You know, Richard...

- [Grunting]
- It's okay, Amoeba. Rest your neck.

She tries so hard.!

Richard, before I joined
your new Shed A Bed Diet Program...

all I used to do was think about food.

I mean, after sex, my husband
would go smoke a cigarette...

and I'd smoke a ham.

Your husband had sex with you?
Ewww!

What a guy.

And I was on top.

Richard, I've dropped
from a king-size to a queen-size bed.

My goal is to be in a full-size bed
by the end of the year...

and I know I can do it,
I know I can!

- I know you can too, Amoeba!
- [Screaming]

But listen, honey,
you're gonna have to start crying soon.

We're running out of time.

- ♪♪ [Piano]
- Just once...

I'd like to have gone
to the beach for a swim...

without having Japanese fishermen
trying to harpoon me.

Can you blame them?

But now that I'm dieting...

I can visualize myself
lying on a tropical beach...

the sun b*ating down on me,
shimmering in simsim oil...

with a thong bikini
just stuck up my behind.

Eww! What is this?

This looks like what David
slew Goliath with.

[Imitates Slinging]

The weight wasn't just a problem for me,
but for my family as well.

I guess you can say
I owe a lot to my husband...

who I thought deserted me in .

But after I lost pounds,
I found him...

right under my armpit!

I bet he cried
when the search party gave up!

All we can say is...

[Both]
Thank you, Shed A Bed Diet Program!

And thank you, Richard.

Well, that's Amoeba's story.

Shed A Bed Diet Program.

Take it one ton at a time!

Come on, stud.
I'm wearing licorice bikinis tonight.

Sorry. I ate the bra already.

- Girl, stop it!
- Come on!

♪♪ [Funk]

♪♪ [Record Scratching]

♪♪ [Man Rapping, Echoing]

♪♪ [Scratching]

♪♪ [Ends]

♪♪ [Pop]

Sewell Park High School.

Ooh, ain't nothing like a reunion...

to bring back some of
Miss Benita's good old memories.

- Is that you?
- You know it is!

[Both Squealing]

Excuse me!

Hey, lookee there! There's Stayvon Evans
and his childhood sweetheart.

Hey, Stayvon! Didn't you two
get married in the th grade?

- That's right.
- Ahh.

I ain't never met no man who's been
faithful to his wife for years.

[Laughing]

And still haven't. Mm-hmm.

Only thing Stayvon's been faithful to
is the Trojan company.

Mm-hmm. That man done cleared
more drains than Roto-Rooter.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

[Gasps]
Tenetha Scott!

Look at you!
Fifteen years, and you ain't aged a day!

You gonna let me in on your secrets?
[Laughing]

Let me in on the name of her surgeon's
more like it.

That girl's done seen more knives
than a chef at Benihana's.

Skin pulled so tight,
she can't smile without passin' gas.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

No, you haven't.
[Gasps]

Dimbale Humphrey! Dimbale!

Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di-Di... Dimbale!

Oh, look at all them letters
on your jacket.

You always was the fastest man
on the track team.

[Laughing]

Fastest man in the bedroom too.
Mm-hmm.

He's quicker on the trigger
than the L.A.P.D.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

Mr. Sturges!

Oh, 'member little Benita?
Remember?

You made me feel so good 'cause I was
left-handed, and I was so ashamed...

but you made me feel so good.

You said you were left-handed too.
Remember? Ahh.

Mm-hmm. The only difference is
I was using my left hand to write.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

Oh! Oh! Tonganika Jackson.

- Guess who!
- Uh, give me a hint.

Your prize cheerleader.

- Lisa?
- Girl!

Uh, I'm sorry. I was the captain of the squad.
I don't remember you.

Then I guess I'm just gonna
have to refresh your memory.

[Chanting]
Now, I ain't one to gossip, I ain't one to rag...

but your quarterback is ugly,
and your grandmother sags!

[Vocalizing]

Are you sure you were on the squad?

I wasn't exactly on the squad...

but I did try out eight times.

Then I decided I had to better myself.

So while them heifers were
out there shaking their coochie...

Ms. Benita was in the boiler's room
selling barbecued pigs' feet...

and disposable douche bags.

Mm-hmm. That's right, honey.
I'm gonna have me some pocket change.

♪♪ [Stereo: Man Vocalizing]

Ooh, honey! That's my song!

I can't sit still
when Smokey's croonin'.

- Hey, excuse me.
- You're welcome to cut in.

Uh... No, I was looking for...
Uh, whoa, now.

I'm looking for Miss Jenkins.

Don't you say nothin' bad
about Miss Jenkins.

Miss Jenkins? Come on. That was
the worst history teacher we ever had.

[Gasping]

Don't you say nothin' bad
about Miss Jenkins!

She's like a mother to me.
Like a mother to me!

She's a fine woman!
Fine woman!

Just don't let her put on a bikini.

Woman got enough hair on her booty
to give herself a Jheri curl.

But I ain't one to gossip, so you ain't
heard that from me. No, you haven't.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Woman Speaking]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

- ♪♪ [' s Pop]
- [Announcer] And now...

Public Access Television Channel
presents: Men on Vacation.

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[In Unison]
And welcome to Men on Vacation.

Today we'll be reviewing
our little European vacation.

From a male point of view.

Here we are on our last stop
on our whirlwind gallivant through Europa.

Wait a minute.
We got a new sponsor.

Somebody better
check their mail.

Tonight's broadcast
is brought to you byJewels...

the gum that explodes
in your mouth.

I bet you just can't chew one.

And who'd want to?

We started
our little trip in Greece.

The Greek "peoples" was so nice.

Yes. They bent over backwards
to show us a good time.

Oh, look. Excuse me.

Not you, fish.
You go back in the sea.

Garçon.

Oh, may I
have another Wallbanger?

- And for monsieur?
- Oui, oui.

- Bottoms up.
- Ditto.

Is that little Ricky Schroder?
What's he doin' here? Don't let him see me.

- Who's that with him?
- You know, I think that's Erik Estrada.

Oh, well. Anyway.
Next we went to Holland, land of dikes.

[In Unison]
Hated it!

And from there,
it was on to merry old England.

- Remember Big Ben?
- Oh, how could I forget it?

It was so nice of him
to show us around the city.

Excuse me.
Big Ben was a clock.

Well, we both know
what time that was.

You'd better stop.

You know, it's so chilly out here,
my nipples are hard.

Then it was just a hop,
skip and jump on to gay Paris...

but we decided to go back
to Greece instead.

And then it was on
to Scotland.

You know, I found it
to be quite an open society...

where "mens" are free
to explore the feminine side of their nature.

All those hairy legs and skirts
holdin' them bagpipes.

Mm-hmm. Not since the Fire Island
Halloween Barn Dance...

have I seen so many men in drag.

Just a hint, fellas:
Plaid is out this fall.

Our next stop was Sweden, best known
for its beautiful, buxom blondes.

[In Unison]
Hated it!

So we went back to Greece.

But it was very sad when we had
to leave our soldier buddies behind...

and travel to our final destination:
The French Riviera...

which is where
we've been ever since.

Oh, yes. And to sum up our little
European vacation, we're gonna have...

to give the whole trip a new and improved
around-the-world-and-back snap.

Tell a friend.

Tune in next week, when we'll be back
in the good old U.S. Of A...

reviewing the new release,
Memphis Belle.

It's the story of young "mens"
in leather jackets...

all sweaty, standin'
next to each other...

and them long, hard bombs
crammed together in a little old cockpit.

Well, grease my landing gear,
I'm coming in for a landing.

- Toodle-oo!
- See you next week! Bye!

♪♪ [' s Pop]

Tonight's special guest,
we got Shabba Ranks and Maxi Priest.

Yeah!

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues, Ends]