03x30 - May 17, 1992

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] and now a message from
oswald a. Bates, attorney-at-law.

Are you a penal implant?

Regurgitating behind bars
while your ex-mammary...

Is "polleonating" every
"scrotarian" in town?

Were you arrested
under false circumcisions...

And reincarnated
against your will?

In semen's terms,
are you in jail?

Then let the orifices
of oswald bates...

"Siligmize" your
intrinsical needs.

Uh, my name tiny.

I was stabbed in the shower...

By inmate number .

Uh, that's bubba to us.

And oswald got
me conjugal visits...

With a girl with big breasts...
And a pack of winstons.

Thank you, oswald.

You too can share in this
infectious "enemanitus."

Don't constipate. Simply
wipe to the front and call:

Yeah, thanks to oswald bates, I
got three more years in prison.

Yeah, thanks a lot,
oswald. Thanks a lot.

Unfortunately, we cannot
impregnate everybody.

That's beyond our
colonic threshold.

[announcer] the law
offices of oswald bates.

call:

how you livin'? What?

how you livin'? What?

how you livin'? ♪
In living color ♪

♪ you can do what you
wanna do ♪ ♪ in living color ♪

♪ anything you want is up
to you ♪ ♪ in living color ♪

♪ you for me and me for
you ♪ ♪ in living color ♪

♪ you can be anything you
wanna be ♪ ♪ in living color ♪

♪ let's take a trip and
sip on a dream ♪ ♪ yeah ♪

♪ glide with the guide on a
funky scene ♪ ♪ all right ♪

♪ here comes another one of
those funky, funny mo' money shows ♪

♪ a cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ and sisters with twisters
for you been lookin' listener ♪

♪ it seems you don't believe so
you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ some booty to your short
and thought we'll make it snappy ♪

♪ with jokes and pokes at
folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ no need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ chill this show's got soul ♪

♪ all aboard, all aboard
the train never troubles ♪

♪ you'd better
snuggle up couple up ♪

♪ on the double-dub-double ♪
♪ yeah ♪

♪ it's hard to believe but some
of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ so, fellas, grab your girl
tell her that you love her ♪

♪ 'cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin' in living color ♪

♪ go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ go, go, go ♪

♪ go, go, go, go ♪♪

Hey, down here.

[announcer] detective head, in his
first international adventure.

head, your assignment is
to retrieve a tiny microchip,

Which contains the plans to a deadly
doomsday device from this woman.

Wow, is that p*ssy galore?

No, it's a lesser
operative... Kitty litter.

- Great picture.
- From faces international.

Now, she has the microchip
somewhere on her person.

Anyway, let's move on to my
favorite part, the gadgets.

This is head's new robotic body, which
will be operated by you with that remote.

Wow! Just like super mario.

Super mario! Yes! [Laughing]

Good show!

Yes. It also has a fully
functioning anatomy,

Which you operate with the
other toggle switch. [Whirring]

That's what they
mean by joystick.

What about this? I mean,
is this, uh, like a blender...

That doubles for a
flamethrower or something?

No, that's an actual blender. We
were having milk shakes earlier.

You care for one? Sure.

Remember, gentlemen, the fate of
the free world depends upon you.

Cheers.

Hey, gimme some.

♪♪ [dance]

[Whirring]

Wait. Come on. Back, back.
Okay, stop. Stop, stop, stop.

Look, there's kitty litter now.

Look, this is gonna
be really dangerous.

You better let me go
over there and pry that

Information out of
that beautiful woman.

No way.

All right, suit yourself.

[Whirring]

You've got the prettiest
smile I've ever seen.

Why, thank you.

White teeth are
very important to me.

May I wet them for
you? With a drink, I mean.

Certainly.

Okay, let me see how this
thing works. Uh, to the right.

Ooh, sorry.

I'm sorry, head, but all the
instructions are in japanese.

I'm terribly sorry.

No, i-i liked it.

Well, then, would
you care to dance?

Maybe I could bruise
your shins or something.

[Head grunting]

Oh, my, you seem a little stiff.

does it show? Partner, loosen
up on the throttle a little.

Oh, roger, head.
I'll just, uh...

- [Whirs]
- too loose! Too loose!

I'm dancing like shabba doo.

Wow! You really cook.

I bet you get
even hotter in bed.

I bet you're like a machine.

Let's move in for the k*ll.

Good idea, head. Now, while you
kiss her, I'll go for the microchip. Go.

[Moaning]

Listen, that's really nice, but
you can stop kissing me now.

I would like to, but my
body has a mind of its own.

The controls are jammed.

Let go of me!

Idiot, look what you've done.

We've knocked the
cap off my tooth.

The microchip, it's
in her tooth, head.

You're right. The
chip must be in her cap.

How did you know about the chip?

- You must be a spy.
- Yes.

[Gags] and now I must be going.

- Head, where's the microchip?
- I swallowed it.

I need a d*ck
gregory enema, man.

The future of the free
world hangs in my bowels.

Look, I gotta get you outta here before
those g*ons get here. What are we gonna do?

You know what to do. Remember
when you played for the mets?

You hit a three-run homer
to clinch the pennant.

- This is no time to reminisce.
- You know what I'm talking
about, buddy.

Hit me outta here.
Knock me outta the park.

I can't. Too dangerous.

Then do it for the boy who's
dying in the hospital bed.

What dying boy in
the hospital bed?

I don't know. Just
do it! Call it out.

Okay, partner, you're
the man. You can do it.

Just give me your best sh*t. I
want you to hit me like rodney king.

Aah!

[announcer] this has been another
episode of the head detective.

[announcer] and now, back to
the continuing adventures...

of that incredible african-american
daredevil, super clyde.

Good evening and welcome.
Last week on the show,

Super clyde faced his most
difficult challenge ever.

He drove his hyundai
on a high-speed chase...

Through the streets of los
angeles without a camcorder.

Tonight, we're backstage on amateur
night at the apollo theater in harlem.

Champ, what are you
gonna do this time?

Well, jim, this is the most
death-defying feat I've ever attempted.

I'm going to try to
do stand-up comedy...

In front of this apollo
amateur night audience.

Super clyde, what's so
dangerous about that?

Well, to be perfectly honest
with you, I'm just not that funny.

Oh, that is dangerous.

Has anyone else attempted
this besides yourself?

Well, sinbad, joe
torre and a few others.

But no one using the type of material
that I'm going to attempt tonight.

Well, good luck, super clyde.
Or should I say "break a leg"?

Thank you, jim.

[announcer] and now will you
please welcome to the stage...

the comedy stylings
of super clyde.

[crowd booing]

Thank you apollo. Thank you.

You know, it's good to be
here. Let's see what's going on.

Oh, I'm dating a
white woman now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See, 'cause a white woman
knows how to treat a brother.

Black women are
always trippin', right?

[Booing] brothers know
what I'm talkin' about.

quick joke. What's black and brown
and looks good on a black man?

A doberman pinscher. [Laughing]

Thank you. Thank you.

How do you stop a black man from
robbing you? Throw him a basketball.

[Booing continues]
[laughs] thank you.

It's starting to get a little
scary out there for super clyde.

Let's see if he
can get out of it.

And you know what
I don't understand?

What do the police punish
black people by puttin' 'em in jail?

Man, that just puts them closer
to their friends and relatives, right?

[Laughing] [g*nsh*t]

I mean, uh, that's not
punishment, that's a house party.

You know what
I'm saying? [g*nshots]

Oh, you got me. Uh,
but seriously, folks.

I do think that what we need now
is a black man in the white house.

I mean, who else is gonna drive
the president around in the limo?

[Cheering]

Super clyde, are you okay?

Yeah, jim, I'm fine. It was just a massive
blow to the head. That's all. No big deal.

That was one of the most amazing
displays of bravery I have ever seen.

What can we expect from
you next, super clyde?

Well, on next week's show, I will
attempt to walk into a bar mitzvah...

Dressed as louis farrakhan.

Woah, sounds challenging.

That's our show for today.
Join us next time with super clyde.

[applause]

♪♪ [hip-hop]

♪♪ [vocalizing]

♪♪ [hip-hop continues]

♪♪ [ends]

All right, welcome
back to the dating game.

I'm your obligatory host.

Now let's meet our
new bachelorette.

Please welcome miss wanda wayne.

holy crap! ho.

Hey. Hey, word up.
What are y'all doing?

Lakita, I told you I was
gonna be on tv, girl.

So, wanda,

Tell us about yourself.

Oh, okay, then. For
real though. Uh...

First of all, I won, uh,
miss high pro glow...

Three years in a row. mm-hmm.

Then I won miss swap
meet for two years.

And then... And then I was like a
second runner-up in miss compton.

But there was some
political stuff going on.

Something about some hair
weave spray had came up missin'.

But, you know, I got my own natural
blonde hair. I don't need nobody's spray.

That's very nice, wanda. Very nice
indeed. Now let's meet our bachelors.

bachelor number one,

bachelor number two...

and bachelor number three.

Wanda, number three
is my lucky number.

I hope it's yours
too, girl, because I

Believe we could have
a lot of fun together.

Ain't nobody asked you nothin'.

you sound like you're
bourgeois anyway.

I can see my breath in here.

Well, wanda, if you're
ready, go ahead, take a seat.

Anyway, uh...

First question,
wanda. All right.

Hey, uh, word up.

Uh, bachelor number
one, okay, this is a "secury."

Uh, I got a piece of popcorn
stuck in the back of my teeths.

How would you get it out?

Well, wanda, I probably
wouldn't even get it out.

What I'd do is I'd probably
put some butter on my tongue,

And just work it on in there
with the rest of that popcorn.

[crowd whooping]

Hey!

Just trying to get nasty
over there, ain't ya, with that?

You know, you need to do something
else, like take me out to eat or something,

Before you can get in
my stuff, and, uh... Okay.

wanda? yes.

i don't know about the popcorn,
but this lipstick is really bothering me.

You all right for a white man.

Okay, uh, bachelor
number two, same question,

Only instead of popcorn, it's a
piece of pig feet in my back molars.

how would you get it out?

Well, wanda, I'd just add a little
hot sauce to set your mouth on fire.

hey! and then I'd put
my lips around yours.

word up! and I would suck until
your forehead caved the hell in.

Hey, all right then. Word up!

I like his answer. I like his
answer. Can I go get him now?

I ain't had my forehead
caved in in a long time.

Not since that
ll cool j concert.

Let's move on to
number three, wanda.

Okay, then, uh, now,
bachelor number three,

It's our first date, and we're
in our apartment and stuff.

And I got on some
sexy "lingery" and stuff.

And, uh, and... And...
And so you can...

It's real, like,
revealing and stuff.

You can see, like, the
"centrifugalness" of my body.

Now, how would you turn me on?

Well, wanda, I'd probably
take you in my arms,

As I whispered some poetry
in your ear, in old latin,

While we gazed at
some sculptures...

or paintings or... what?
What you talking about?

Maybe watch some public
television. That's how I'd turn you on.

The only thing gonna
get turned on is the light...

So you can see how to get
your ass out of my apartment.

[host] woah!

Anyway, uh, bachelor number one. Bachelor
number one, now this is your question.

Now, if I had a tattoo of the
united states all over my body,

Which area of the
country would you go visit?

I'm going to europe.

Bachelor number one, what's
wrong with you? Cat got your tongue?

Well, good-lookin', I'd probably start
at the mouth of the mississippi river...

And ride it all the way down
to the gulf of mexico, girl.

Okay, uh, now,
bachelor number two.

what part of the country
would you hang out in?

Well, wanda, first I would go to
the peak of the rocky mountains.

Then I'd loosen
up that sun belt.

Go on with your bad self.

Then I'd make a
run for the border.

Hey!

Gimme a chicken "taquita."

That's what I'm sayin'.
Okay, uh... ♪♪ [music]

Well, time's up, wanda.
That's the funny sound.

Okay, now you have a big decision to
make. Will it be bachelor number one,

Bachelor number two or
bachelor number three?

Okay, uh, sh**t. I
can only pick one, huh.

Make a decision,
wanda. Okay, uh...

I choose number two.

[host] okay!

What a lucky guy.

Now let's meet the
bachelors you didn't pick.

Wanda, bachelor number
one, derrick clinton.

Hey, what's up,
man? Hey, what's up?

Now say hello to bachelor
number three, steve bigbun.

Oh, hey. You oughta...

[Laughing]

What's wrong with y'all?

Now let's meet the
bachelor you did pick.

Here's bachelor number
two, lucky paul nelson.

[Screams]

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

[Host indistinct]

Just settle... Just settle down.

Just settle down.
Ju... Ju... Just settle.

What's wrong with you?
I'm the catch of the day.

Somebody need to
throw your ugly ass back.

What you say? I
know you not trippin'.

No, no, he said, "there's no way I'm
turnin' back." i know he's not trippin'.

Oh, okay then. Hey. Hey, man, is
there something in the rule book...

That says forget about the
whole thing if we're not compatible?

'Cause, come on, man. No, I
got the rule book right here.

You do? The rule book says,
chapter seven, part four,

Section eight, it says, "I
got you, and I'm ready to go."

It says that.

That's what it says.
That's what it says, pal.

Look, I'm not the one you wanted, I'm
sure. Because number one, he was...

No, you are the one I wanted.
You're the one talking about...

You were gonna suck the
pig feet outta my mouth.

Here are the pig feet right
here. She's got the pig feet.

And you said you was gonna
use, like, hot sauce and stuff.

I got the hot sauce.
She's got it. Well!

What's wrong with you? Oh,
there go my heart again. My heart!

Your heart? Yeah, I
got this heart condition.

It always gets me, so I know I got
to get out. Don't worry about it.

I got you covered. You
ain't got to worry. Station .

Well, wanda, if you can
get this man drunk enough,

You two are gonna be spending a
wonderful, beautiful week in sunny hawaii.

Oh, good, 'cause I get to wear
my new string bikini that I had.

Where'd it go? Oh, here it is.

I get to wear my
new string bikini.

[Choking]

'Cause see... Put your head
between your legs, man.

Head between your legs.

[Coughs] what's
wrong? You all right?

'Cause see, I'm just gonna
be the beauty on the beach.

Beauty and the beast.

Oh, you so crazy.
You ain't no beast.

You two are like you're
married already or something.

Hey. Another happy couple,
ladies and gentlemen.

Curtis, suzy, come on out
here and join us, will ya?

What's wrong with
you? Oh, god, no.

I'm gonna rock your world.

Well, it's time to give our
dating game good-bye kiss, kids.

♪♪ [theme song]

All right, well, um,
it's about that time.

Uh, this is the
end of our season.

We had a-a great year. We
thank you all for watchin'.

It's a very bittersweet
moment here on in living color.

We wanna say good-bye to one of
our cast members, damon wayans,

On his way to a
superstar movie career.

[cheering, applause]

He never... He never
gets in the closing.

He never gets in the
closing. Last close.

We... We had great times and we
wish... Of course, we wish him the best.

And, uh, come back and
visit sometime. Love ya.

♪♪ [hip-hop]

[No audible dialogue]

[No audible dialogue]

[No audible dialogue]

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [continues]

♪♪ [ends]