04x04 - October 18, 1992

[bunniefuu]

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe but some
of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪

[Audience Applauding]

[Announcer]
And now, Jay Leno!

[Squeaky Voice]
Thank you. Thank you.

That's a great round of applause there.
It gets me real excited.

Makes me so excited,
my voice goes real high.

You know, tonight we have
a really similar show for you...

but why don't we start out
by introducing you...

to Branford Marsalis
and the Tonight Show band.

[Audience Applauding]

Let's get right to the news.

Here's some of the headlines
that are happening around our country.

People are sending them to us.
First headline:

"Crazed Gunman Mows Down
in Post Office."

Aren't these people taking this
Elvis stamp thing a little too seriously?

All right.
Second headline says...

"Bank Robbed,
Four Security Guards k*lled."

And well worth
the $ . an hour, I must say.

Anyway, let's get started.

My first guest
is the first bald person...

to win a Grammy since Isaac Hayes.

Please welcome Sinéad O'Connor.
Come on out here, Sinéad.

♪♪ [Band Playing]

All right, Sinéad.

Sinéad, let's rise for the singing
of our national anthem.

Huh? Kiddin'ya! Okay.

It's good you can
take a joke like that.

I guess it's good to see you again.

I guess the lesson
for the young girls out here is...

that you should never use
the drive-through window at Supercuts.

Oh, that's very funny, Mr. Leno.
Make your jokes.

But I'm not a girl, you know.
I'm a woman.

This is just the sort of sexist attitude
I dealt with all my life...

even in my own homeland of Ireland
where a grown woman is called a lassie.

Lassie, huh? You look more
like a Mexican hairless to me...

Uncle Fester.

You know, make your
little jokes, Mr. Leno...

but I'm not here on your show
to promote my career.

This is capitalist business.
That's what this is.

This is the prime minister of Norway.

Her country allows the k*lling
of thousands of whales.

You know, I went
whale watching once.

I heard the captain yell
"There she blows..."

and I thought somebody
had spotted Madonna.

[Audience Groans]

Now, what has this cute, little
guy done to deplete whatever?

Nothing, but I just
find him really irritating.

Well, I got one for you, Mrs. Clean.

Tear this one up.

No. Arsenio's a fine man,
and very politically correct.

- You know, when we were dating,
he'd often say to me...
- Dating? Dating?

You were dating Arsenio Hall?

- Yes. What of it?
- You have fallen from grace.

You are not longer
invited on this show.

- You have slept with the anti-host.
- [Audience Groans]

Can you imagine if she
and Arsenio had a kid?

With her bald head
and his triangle head...

he'd come out lookin'
like a "yield" sign with a nose ring.

Like this.

That is it! I'm leavin'!
Fight the real enemy!

Yeah? Why don't you
go join a karate class?

See if they can snatch
the pebble from your hand, huh?

Okay, we're gonna take a short
commercial break here and be right back.

Hey, hold on. Hold on here.
Wait a second.

What happened
to Branford and the band?

Oh, snap.
They had to run off early.

They had to do
The Arsenio Hall Show.

Well, that's it.
They're banned.

They're banned.
The band is banned.

I don't care.
I don't need 'em anyway.

I don't. As long as I still
have my audience, right?

[Audience Makes Barking Sounds]

[Sighs]

Well, I say if you can't b*at 'em...

you might as well get busy
with some of that Dorito-eatin'...

controversy-duckin',
motor cycle-ridin'...

producer-firin'Johnny
Should've Stayed Funk, huh?

♪♪ [Drums]

Hi. I'm Cher... singer,
actress, mother, model, slut...

and you're probably wondering
what I'm doing hawking beauty products...

when everyone knows my face has seen
more cuts than a Thanksgiving turkey.

Well, I've made goo-gobs
of money doing this.

And I'm Lorie Daves.

And you're wondering how
someone who looks like this...

could possibly have something
to say about beauty.

You see, there were days when I didn't
feel good about how I looked...

no matter how many young men
I had around me.

But then I found out about the incredible
beauty system of Lorie Daves...

and realized money was more important
than grinding a boy scout.

[Laughing]

Lorie, I used your product
for over a year...

before I realized that
it wasn't your product at all.

It was merely being around you
that made me look so great.

[Sighs]
Exactly, Cher.

That's the secret
of beauty, you see.

It isn't so much
looking good yourself...

but rather sitting next to someone
who can't help but make you look good...

[Together]
By comparison.

Whoo! Whoo!

All of a sudden, I feel
light as a feather and rich too.

And your hair even looks better.

[Cackling]

But, Lorie, what about all the millions
of people that purchase your products...

that don't have the benefit
of being next to you?

Well, that's what makes
my system so special.

They can find an unattractive
person of their own...

at D.M.V., Kmart, Weight Watchers...

or any of the Slavic countries.

Lorie, this is fun.

Now let's hear from
another satisfied customer.

- This is my best friend, Chelsea.
- Hi, Chelsea.

Chelsea, why did you agree
to participate in this commercial?

Because your perfume's not selling...

and you said we had to do this.

Read the cue card, honey.

Oh. Because I wanted
to feel better about myself...

and the Lorie Daves hair care system
is the product that can help.

Having tried the products,
how do you feel?

- Okay, I guess.
- Now go sit by Lorie.

Wow! I feel great.

Is that me?
I look beautiful.

- You sure do, Chelsea.
- [Laughs]

See what my system can do for you?

And it can do that for anybody.

Janey, come over here.

Come on over here, Janey.

Ohhh, come to mommy.

[Gasps]
It does work!

I'm gonna buy the Lorie Daves
hair care system today.

[Cackling]

And, guys, you don't
have to be left out either.

[Grunts]
Hey, I feel beautiful.

And you can too.

[Announcer]
The Lorie Daves Beauty System.

Because there's always
someone uglier.

- You look good.
- Because I don't.

[Cackling]

Hi. I'm George Hamilton.

Throughout my illustrious career...

I have been frequently complimented
about my golden bronze pigment.

You see, with a little help
from that hole in the ozone...

over the years my epidermal layer
has gotten so thick and leathery...

that, quite frankly,
it's as dead as my career.

That's why today
I'm offering directly to you...

the George Hamilton Luggage Collection.

How do I know it's good?
Because it's made out of my skin.

Let my loss of elasticity
become your key to durability.

There's never a need to worry
about those clumsy baggage handlers.

Uh-oh.

[Screaming]

[Grunting]

That feels good.
♪♪ [Singing]

Sigourney Weaver
wears army boots, you fur ball!

[Grunting]

You think you can destroy what took me years
of loafing around the pool to build? Ha-ha!

Give it your best sh*t, primate!

Order now, and you'll get
these matching rump hide belts.

The next time someone asks you
if you know George Hamilton...

you can say, " Know him?
I b*at my kids with him!"

[Announcer]
Order your collection now.

[Announcer]
Live from the Lola Falana Recreation Center...

in beautiful downtown Detroit...

it's the first ever Black People's Awards.

Sponsored by Nappy Sheen,
the makers of Super Comb...

with John Amos by phone,
Jim Brown via hologram...

El Debarge via satellite,
Kim Fields by fax machine...

Isaac Hayes/Sherman Hemsley
look-alikes...

Mr. TitoJackson, Horace Silvers...

and special in-studio guest,
Fast Eddie Griffith.

Now please welcome the host
for this evening's affair...

"tabulous"Lamar Hightower!

Get pumped, y'all.

Hey, how y'all doin'?

- [Woman] We a'ight!
- [Laughs]

Now, you know, everybody wanna
take home the coveted Pookie.

But only the winners can win.
I wish everybody can win. I do.

Give it up for the nominees.

Go on, girl.
Go on up in there.

Look here.
Let's get started.

Our first presenter is the multitalented
performer and host of Funk Fever.

Y'all give it up for me,
Lamar Hightower.

- ♪♪ [Funk]
- Oh, stop it.

Now the awards.

The nominees in the "ca-tag-ory"...

for Best Black Sassy Next Door Neighbor...

is Joyce Frye!

Honey, the darker the meat,
the sweeter the treat.

[Laughs]

[Lamar]
Mae Brown.

Not with my man you won't!
Uh-uh-uh-uh!

[Applause]

And Ms. Larry.

We-e-ell! It must be
Tha-a-a-anksgiving...

because the turkey
just walked in the door!

[Applause]

Ooh, now that was movin'!
Give it up all the big-legged ladies.

I'm excited.
How 'bout y'all?

Okay, the Pookie goes to... me.

Just kiddin'. The Pookie
goes to Ms. Larry.

- [Screaming]
- ♪♪ [Funk]

[Screaming]
Oh, this is a long time comin'...

and I'm winnin' this
for everybody here!

And I got to say that black people
have got to stick together...

if we're gonna keep on makin' the success
that we makin' in this business!

[Squeals] Now I'd like to thank
the people who have helped my career.

Thank you, Bernie Schwartz,
Cy Ribernitz...

Morton Alan Finklestein...

and most of all,
Menachem Gold, thank you.

All right.

And now to present the award...

for the best scared brother
on a "po-lice" show...

She's the voice of all the black people
on The Simpsons...

and she's the black mom
on the nationally televised...

Black Track laxative commercials.

You may also remember
she just lost to Ms. Larry.

Please give it up
for Mae Brown and Ms. Larry.

♪♪ [Funk]

Let's just do this.

The nominees for Best Scared
Brother on a Police Show are...

John Winfield
in Jake and the Fatman.

I tell ya anything ya need to know, man.

[Whimpering]

Just don't k*ll me, man.

[Applause]

[Ms. Larry]
Frank Ford in Law and Order.

I told you, man. I'm clean.

Please don't k*ll me. I've got...

five kids, man.

[Applause]

[Mae]
Daryl Simmons in Hunter.

[Screaming]

[Gasps, Screaming]

And the Pookie goes to...

Da-a-aryl Simmons!

♪♪ [Funk]

Uh, yes, thank you.

Naturally, this makes up for all
of the studying I've done.

I mean, those four years at Harvard...

two years at Yale
and my six years at Stratford.

I'd just like to say that it all paid off
in that one role I played in Hunter...

the thug next to the water fountain.

I'd just like to say thank you.

All right. And now
to present our next award...

put your hands together
for two ofTV's hottest talents.

I know you're gonna love
these brothers.

Please welcome LennyJohnson,
star of Gimme Five...

and my man Louie Bradford,
star of Slap Me Some Skin.

♪♪ [Funk]

Gimme five.

Slap me some skin, bro.

Just so everybody knows, Louie here
is throwing a big party at his house...

and everybody's invited.

What you talkin' about, Lenny?

And the nominees
for Best Black Actress are...

Whoopi Goldberg,
Star Trek: The Next Generation.

[Applause]

Whoopi Goldberg, HBO Comic Relief.

[Applause]

Whoopi Goldberg, Sister Act.

[Applause]

And, uh, "Whoppy" Goldberg,
"Sa-raf-ina!"

[Applause]

And the Pookie goes to...
Whoopi Goldberg for Sister Act.

♪♪ [Funk]

Wow. Uh, this is such a big surprise.

I mean, uh, my competition
was so tough.

You know, I can't believe this.

You know, I give myself a Jewish name,
and you criticize me;

I marry a white guy,
and you dog me;

I make a movie in South Africa,
and you hate me;

now you're givin' me this award
that's gettin' my hands all greasy.

What the hell
is wrong with you people?

Hold up. Whoopi.
Hold up, baby.

That ain't all you win. In addition,
you get the new Super Comb.

Try that on, girl.
Come on up, everybody.

Come on. Let's have all the nominees
back onstage. Go on, take it.

Come on. That's it for this
evenin', ladies and gentlemen...

but now I want everybody to join in the
theme song to the Black People's Awards.

♪♪ [Funk]

♪ The Black People's Awards ♪

♪ The Black, Black People's Awards ♪

♪ You win, I win, she wins, he wins ♪

♪ At the Black ♪

♪ People's Awards ♪♪

Good night, everybody.
Good night.

♪ Black People's Awards
Black People's Awards ♪

Tonight's special guest is new
on the scene, and he's definitely hot.

His name is A.D.O.R., and he's
straight off the Atlantic Records.

Here he is singing "Let It All Hang Out."

♪♪ [Singing Rap]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Song Ends]