04x12 - January 3, 1993

[bunniefuu]

[Announcer]
Coming soon to a theater near you...

that bigmouth, bigoted owner
of the Cincinnati Reds...

in her first major motion picture,
Driving Miss Shott.

You know, Hoke,
I don't understand...

why I gotta go
to this damn hearing anyway.

Well, they say it 'cause of
your racial hiring practices, Miss Ma'am.

Why, that's just insane.

If anything, I discriminate
in favor of the black man.

- O-Oh, Miss Ma'am?
- Like when I hired you.

I said, " I need a driver,
and he better damn well be black...

the blacker, the better."

- Well, thank you, Miss Ma'am.
- Not at all.

You know, Hoke, did you know that I am
so sympathetic to the black man...

I've even taken a sl*ve name?

What's that now, ma'am?

Master.
[Laughing]

- That's just a little joke.
- Oh, look here.

Don't get none on ya now, Miss Ma'am.
[Chuckling]

But, you know, I wouldn't recommend
you say them type of thing...

when you go
for that hearin' today.

'Cause that's what got you
in trouble in the first place...

and the press might not
take kindly to it.

Oh, the press!
They're just a bunch of liberalJews.

They're the ones who made me shorten
the team name to the Reds.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. What-What-What
did the name used to be, Miss Ma'am?

- The "Color-eds." Get it? I got lines.
- You ain't got to tell me.

It was just a little more fitting,
don't you think?

You know, Hoke,
speakin' ofJews...

have you heard the one about
the new Jewish sports car?

- Uh, ma'am?
- It stops on a dime... even picks it up.

[Chuckling]
Oh.

Oh, hush up now, Miss Shott.

- I'm killin' myself.
- Oh, you k*lling me too.

You know, Hoke...

if you don't drive this car better,
I'm gonna trade you to theJaps...

along with those other
uppity millionaires.

Now, ma'am, you startin'
to work Hoke's last good nerve.

Now, you shouldn't
say such things.

I'll say what I want.
You're drivin' like an idiot.

I can drive better
from back here.

Miss Shott, that's the first sensible thing
you done said all day.

- I got to go make water.
- What? Hoke!

[Screaming]

[Announcer]
Don't miss Driving Miss Shott.

Because sometimes what you say
can drive you over the edge.

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- What?

- How you livin'?
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Anything you want is up to you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You for me and me for you ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can be anything you wanna be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ Let's take a trip and sip on a dream ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Glide with the guide on a funky scene ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Here comes another one of those
funky, funny mo'money shows ♪

♪ A cast for laughs
and talented roles ♪

♪ And sisters with twisters
for you been lookin', listener♪

♪ It seems you don't believe
so you can believe what I convince ya ♪

♪ Some booty to your short and thought
We'll make it snappy ♪

♪ With jokes and pokes
at folks to keep you happy ♪

♪ No need to hold
your remote control ♪

♪ Chill
This show's got soul ♪

♪ All aboard, all aboard
The train never troubles ♪

♪ You'd better snuggle up
couple up ♪

- ♪ On the double-dub-double ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's hard to believe
but some of the best things in life are free ♪

♪ So, fellas, grab your girl
Tell her that you love her♪

♪ 'Cause that's the way you're livin'
when you're livin'in living color♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go
go, go, go, go ♪

♪ Go, go, go, go, go ♪♪

♪♪ [Humming]

Good evening, brother.
Season's greetings to you.

- Whatever you're sellin', son,
I don't want none.
- No, wait. Please, sir.

See... No, please.
Please, sir, calm down.

I'm not trying
to sell you anything.

I just wanna spread a little bit of holiday cheer
for the Christmas season...

by singing you
one of my Christmas carols.

If you like it, then of course
I appreciate a small donation.

If not, then perhaps you could just
give me some honest criticism.

Well, you can sing what you want, son,
but I ain't givin' you a dime.

Here we go.

♪♪ [Note]

♪♪ [Searching For Note, Off-key]

- ♪Jingle bells, Jingle bells ♪
- ♪♪ [Ringing]

♪Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to choke a man
in his hallway, hey ♪

♪ Bashin' in your skull
with aluminum baseball bat ♪

♪ Swingin'for the stands
laughin'while your brains go splat ♪

Ha ha ha!

♪Jingle bells, Jingle bells ♪

♪Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Throw you down a flight of ♪

♪ Stairs ♪

♪ If you do not pay ♪♪

- Do you take credit cards, son?
- I certainly do, sir.

It is better to give than receive.
Have a good day.

Good evening, folks. Could I spread a little bit
of holiday cheer to your season...

by singing you
one of my Christmas carols?

Look, pal, we don't have time.
We're on our way to a party.

Please, could I just
sing one, sir? Just one.

And if you like it,
then I'd appreciate a small donation.

If not, then maybe I could
have some honest criticism.

- Okay, go.
- Okay. Thank you very much.

♪♪ [Note]

♪♪ [Searching For Note, Off-key]

♪Joy to the world
Ice Poe has come ♪

♪ To tie you to his car ♪

♪ And drag you
through the snow ♪

♪ Then make your girl a ho ♪

♪ And sell that bitch on the street
to every brother I meet ♪

♪ Then stomp
your boyfriend's head ♪

♪ Upon the concrete ♪♪

I'm sorry, madam,
I cannot take your purse.

- But I'll take your damn wallet.
- [Crying]

- Have a merry Christmas, sir.
Merry Christmas to you.
- [Whimpering]

♪ Fa-la la-la-la-la
la la-la la ♪

- [Hacking]
- [Coughs]

Good evening, sir.
Merry Christmas to you.

I'm here to spread a little bit of holiday cheer
by singin' some Christmas carols.

- Do you mind?
- Oh, man, now this is a coincidence, man...

'cause I feel like spreadin'
a little holiday cheer myself.

- Do you mind?
- Oh, not at all, sir. Feel free.

♪♪ [Vocal Percussion]

'Twas the night before Christmas!

♪♪ [Percussion Continues]
And I just lost my job!

No food in my stomach...

so I decided to rob!

The victim was singing...
and caroling along.

So I stuck my slippered shoe...

up his Santa Claus punk ass
till his...

Wow. I guess the holiday does
bring out the best in everybody.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Ringing]

Hey! How y'all doin'?
It's me, Benita Buttrell.

Honey, I'm spendin' the holidays helpin' collect
money for those less fortunate than myself...

which is everybody
in this neighborhood, mm-hmm.

While these knuckleheads were out
shoppin' and spendin' next month's rent...

Miss Benita was learnin'
to be a technician...

at Dr. Fleischer's School
of Boil and Wart Removal.

That's right, honey.
I'm gonna have me somethin'.

Oh, lookee here.
Here comes my neighbor, Mr. Hervey.

- Mr. Hervey, got somethin' for the kettle?
- Sorry. No change.

Aw, that's okay, Mr. Hervey.

Thank you. Thanks anyway.
[Laughing]

Thanks for nothin'.
Mm-hmm.

That man so cheap,
he wouldn't leave a tip at a circumcision.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

- [Coin Clinks]
- Oh, bless you, Mr. Singer.

You so kind and generous.

You always givin' it up
to the widows and the orphans.

Right now, he's givin' it up
to old Widow Johnson. Mm-hmm.

That man see more tail
than a veterinarian.

- [Coin Clinks]
- Look at this. Cynthia Williams.

Thank you, girl. Homegirl,
you as pretty as a picture.

And dumb as a post.
Mm-hmm.

That girl so stupid, she nearly
strangled herself with a cordless phone.

And such an idiot... if you gave her
a penny for her thoughts...

you'd have change comin' back.

Once, she got lost in thought, and they had
to send a search party to get her out.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

- [Coin Clinks]
- Boo Boo!

Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo-Boo!
Boo Boo Starker! How you doin'?

You the busiest man in town.
Always movin'.

Always movin' his bowels,
that is. Mm-hmm.

That's 'cause of that
new fiber diet he's on.

The man eat so much oat bran,
he once passed a wicker chair.

Does more wipin'
than a squeegee at a truck stop.

Oh, if it ain't Neecie Anderson
and her two little kids.

Oh, look at them.
They look just like Santa's helpers.

More like Satan's helpers.

Them kids so bad,
even Chucky won't play with 'em.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

Excuse me, miss.
I don't mean to bother you...

but did you see a lady in a trench coat
come through here?

- No. Is there a problem, sir?
- She's been exposin' herself
at the hardware department.

She's done it before.
She's a little crazy in the head.

- Her name is, uh... Uh, Jenkins?
- [Screeches]

No! You... Ooh! Ooh!
No, uh-uh.

No, don't you say nothin' bad
about Miss Jenkins, honey!

Don't you say nothin' bad
about Miss Jenkins.

She's a fine lady. Fine lady.
Honey, I loves me some Miss Jenkins.

She's a pillar in this community.
We all look up to her.

Don't you say nothin' bad
about Miss Jenkins, honey.

But just don't get too close.

That woman's drawers so funky,
she uses an Odor-Eater as a panty shield.

But I ain't one to gossip,
so you ain't heard that from me.

Now, y'all listen to Miss Benita
and have a nice holiday.

♪♪ [Piano]

♪ There was a farmer had a dog
and Bingo was his name-o ♪

[Announcer] It's Mo Tell recording artists
Cephus and Reesie Merriweather...

in their most ambitious
project yet...

Cephus and Reesie's
Sing Tunes for Tots.

[Alternating]
♪ B-l-N-G-O, B-l-N-G-O ♪

♪ B-l-N-G-O ♪

♪ And Bingo was his name-o ♪♪

Now wait a minute, Cephie.

Why did the farmer
name his dog Bingo?

'Cause he couldn't spell "Domino"?

Why, couldn't he spell "Monopolo"?

- Nuh-uh-uh. But he could spell "lotto."
- Ooh! I'm-a buy me a TV!

♪ L-O-T-T-O
L-O-T-T-O ♪

♪ L-O-T-T-O ♪

♪ And Lotto was his name-o ♪♪

- ♪ Hush... here we go... little baby ♪
- ♪♪ [Vocalizing]

- ♪ Don't you cry ♪
- ♪ Oh, I cry ♪

- Take it, Reesie!
- ♪ You will see ♪

- Say what?
- ♪ I'm gonna buy you a Scoo-oo-oo-ter Pie ♪

Here I go!
♪ Twinkies and Ho Hos ♪

♪ Ding Dongs too ♪♪

Now wait a minute, Cephie!

Now, you know full well
all that sugar is too much for your cavities.

It sure 'nough is, 'cause it ain't as sweet
as my Reesie's pieces.

- [Screeching]
- Give me some!

[Announcer] Also enjoy their rendition
of Saturday morning cartoon theme songs.

♪ Scooby Dooby Doo
where are you ♪

♪ Reesie lookin' for you now ♪♪

Say, Reesie, where you
suppose Scooby's at?

I don't know, Cephie.
Do you think he could be in Bedrock?

- ♪♪ [Piano Intro]
- Oh-oh.

♪ Flintstones
Meet the Flintstones ♪

- ♪ Have a yabba dabba doo time ♪
- ♪ A Scooby Doo time ♪

- ♪ A toodly doo time ♪
- ♪ A toodly doo time ♪

- ♪ We makin' overtime ♪
- ♪ In daylight savin's time ♪

- ♪ We watchin' Good Times ♪
- ♪ We'll have a gay old ♪

- [Softly] ♪ Yabba dabba doo time ♪
- Get on down.

- ♪ A Scooby Doo time ♪
- Here we go!

♪ A Dippity-do time
A Live Crew time ♪

♪ We makin' overtime... ♪

[Announcer] Send . to
Cephus and Reesie's Sing Tunes for Tots...

care of: Mo Tell Records, P.O. Box ABC,
Chitlin Switch, Mississippi, .

[Singing Gibberish]
♪ We'll have a gay old ♪

♪ Time ♪♪

Oh. You all right, baby?

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

[Woman's Voice Echoing, Indistinct]

[Woman]
It's time to ask the question: Why?

Hello. I'm Chelsea Dream
of Eyewitness News...

bringing you a live report
from the scene of a crime.

Can anyone tell me
what they know?

I'm the investigating officer.
I was the first one on the scene.

I can tell you what we have
assessed thus far.

I'm an expert criminologist
with a doctorate in psychology...

and I can assess the situation here.

Yeah, but check this.
I seen the whole thing, right?

I seen the whole thing.
I can tell you what went down.

Good.

[Woman]
Stop!

Why do reporters always choose
the most unintelligent...

uninformed black eyewitness?

Why?

It was definitely
some people that did it.

I was just about
to get busy with my lady.

'Cause she was naked,
and I was butt-naked.

Then I heard someone...
I heard somebody say...

"Yo! Yo, bitch,
get up off me," right?

Then, peep this...
Is this gonna be on the news?

Hey, what's up? Denise,
tell Mama to look at the news.

Hi, Mama.

[Woman]
Why?

[Bell Dings]

Oh, hey. Mr. Mac,
how you doin'?

- Are you sure you know how to handle kids?
- Oh, hey!

You're talkin' to
Al "Merry Christmas" Macafee here.

You know, I teach
the high school shop class.

If I can keep those future convicts
from goosin' each other with a damn nail g*n...

I can keep
these little rug rats in line.

- Good. Go to it.
- Okay, here we go.

♪♪ [Bullhorn: "Deck the Halls,"
High-pitched Squeal]

All right, kids!
Ten-hut!

You're at the North Pole, and Santa
doesn't stand for any horseplay.

So let's get our Christmas lists in order
and step right up.

Oh! And, oh, yeah,
by the way, ho, ho, ho.

- Hi, Santa.
- Hi there, son. What you got in your mouth?

- Gum.
- Oh, did we bring enough for everybody?

Then get rid of it.
Come on, right here.

Come on, son.
Oh, wise guy, are you?

Now, uh, what did you want
Santa to bring you for Christmas?

I want a dirt bike,
Super Nintendo, a computer...

A brand-new house too?
Let me ask you something.

- What does your father do for a living, son?
- He's a janitor.

I think, this year, Santa's gonna be
bringing you a little dose of reality.

How's a push broom and a pail full of dust?
Now get out of here.

Come on, come on.

- [Grunting]
- Ouch.

- Santa, your lap's hurting me.
- Yeah, sorry, kid.

Santa caught some hot shrapnel
when he was flyin' his magic sleigh...

on a bombing run over Cambodia
back in ' .

This hip's made out of solid steel.

[Male Computer Voice]
You have activated our inventory control system.

- Please step back and try again.
- [Alarm Sounds]

What are you trying
to run off with there, son?

Nothin'. A pair of shoes. Why?
It ain't none of your business.

Let's just say Santa
is makin' it his business.

- You got a receipt, wise guy?
- Here. Right here.

Okay, you got a receipt for that, but you got
a receipt for this shirt you're wearin'?

This shirt? This is mine.
I wore it here.

Oh, yeah. I think it's time
you heard Santa's speech on shoplifting.

No tickee, no shirtee!

You ain't nothin'
but a flatfoot maniac!

Come at me, son. Come at me.
Yeah, chicken.

- That's what... Hey. Watch it.
I'll kick your teeth in.
- [Elevator Bell Dings]

- Merry Christmas, Santa.
- Oh. Merry Christmas, uh, to you.

Looks like you don't
have a chimney...

so Santa's gonna have
to use a doorbell.

Ding dong!
[Groans, Coughing]

- Macafee! I knew it.
- Oh, Ruthie...

I mean, Miss Tompkins.
At your service.

- So, what you got in the bag there?
- None of your busi...

Oh, I got ya.
[Laughing]

Well, lookee here,
lookee here.

Looks like somebody's
goin' to a little holiday orgy.

Mind if old St. Mac tag along?

It's a teddy, okay,
somethin' you've never seen before.

Oh, l-I can just see it now.

- [Sniffing] Oh, yeah.
- Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

You're wearin' this flimsy
little piece of nothin'... [Inhales]

On that taut, tawny,
chocolate-brown body of yours...

"wreathing," wiggling,
"Mac-Mac-Macafee!" Oh, yeah.

So what do you say, babe? Santa wants
to find out if you've been naughty or nice.

- Hey!
- Come on! [Groaning]

I'd rather pass
a flaming yule log. Idiot!

I see you're still workin' out, Ruthie.
Oh, she wants me.

What is your problem, Kringle? You're
supposed to be over here in Santa's Village.

Look. The damn kids
have done left.

If this store's security
was what it should be...

Santa wouldn't have
to leave his post.

You know what? If you don't
get back to your post...

the next line you're gonna be in
is the unemployment line. [Grunts]

Weren't you a student of mine?

I failed you, didn't I, boy?

Santa?

You may not be a very good Santa,
but I love you.

Aw, that's... [Sniffling]
You know, I tell you...

when you, uh, see the happiness on the face
of little kiddies like this...

it makes the whole gig worthwhile.

- Come on, son. Merry Christmas.
- [Elevator Bell Dings]

Hi. I wanna say Feliz Navidad
to my family in New York City.

Merry Christmas
and happy New Year to everyone.

Merry Christmas, Mom and Dad,
Grandma and Grandpa...

family and friends... I love you.

- Um...
- [Whispering] Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all my family
back in Jersey.

And, hey, Redshaw School
in New Brunswick, New Jersey.

- And happy birthday, Jossie.
She's a New Year's baby.
- Thank you.

And happy birthday to my sister.
She's a Christmas baby.

Jessica, I love you.

Merry Christmas to my family and friends,
Janet and Renee.

And I want to wish a merry, merry,
merry Christmas...

to those who aren't
as fortunate as we are.

Merry Christmas and God bless.

Hi, Grandma.

I'd like to wish a merry Christmas
to all the spineless little weaklings...

I had to crush to get
where I am today.

Now we have a special
Christmas gift for you.

♪♪ [Soul]

♪ Mm-hmm ♪

♪ Hang all the mistletoe ♪

♪ I'm gonna get
to know you better ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ And as we trim the tree ♪

♪ How much fun it's gonna be
together ♪

♪ This Christmas ♪

♪ The fireside is blazin' bright ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, and we're caroling ♪

♪ Through the night ♪

♪ And this Christmas will be ♪

♪ A very special Christmas ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ Yeah, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Fly Girls, Fly Girls
Fly Girls ♪

♪ Presents and cards are here ♪

♪ My world is filled
with cheer and you ♪

♪ This Christmas
lights twinkle all around ♪

♪ But your eyes outshine
the stars this year ♪

♪ Oh, hey, word up ♪

♪ The fireside is blazin' bright ♪

♪ We're caroling
I'm rockin' your world tonight ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh
And this Christmas ♪

♪ We'll be here ♪

♪ A very special Christmas
from me... ♪

And this Christmas.

♪ And this Christmas
you'll discover ♪

♪ A very special Christmas
from In Living Color♪

♪ Merry Christmas, Grandma ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪♪
Thank you. Good night.

Whoo! Merry Christmas!