05x02 - September 23, 1993

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

- ♪♪ [Hip Hop]
- [Announcer] This is Dirty Dozens.

Now entering our studio...

a video store clerk
from Houston's Fifth Ward...

Amfeny Clark.

A bicycle messenger
from uptown New York...

- T-Dog Jenkins.
- [Mouthing Words]

And a housewife
from Clearwater, Florida...

- Katie Corell.
- [Cheering, Muffled]

And now the host
of Dirty Dozens...

- Stu Dunfey.!
- [Audience Cheering]

Oh, thank you so much.
Hello and welcome to The Dirty Dozens...

where talkin' trash
can get you cash.

So, if you listen,
you'll hear some dissin'.

[Laughing]

All righty.
Let's look at our categories.

Your Mama's So Stupid.

Your Mama's So Fat.

Your Mama's So Old.

And Pot luck.

T-Dog, start us off.

I'll take Your Mama's So Stupid,
uh, for a hundred, Stu.

All righty.
Your mama's so stupid...

Your mama's so stupid, she jumped
out the window, and the ho went up.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Yes.

T-Dog gets a hundred.

So let's reveal the first piece
of tonight's mystery dis.

Care to take a guess, T-Dog?

Uh, your mama's so fat, uh,
they had to baptize her at Sea World?

- [Buzzer]
- [Stu] Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Nice dis, but no.

You still have control
of the board, T-Dog.

I think I will stick with Stupid, Stu.

And Stupid you get.

Your mama's so stupid...

Uh, yeah. Your mama's so stupid,
it takes her two hours to watch Minutes.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Correct.

Amfeny in the house with .

- Amfeny, what'll it be?
- Stupid for .

Okay. Your mama's so stupid...

Your mother's so stupid, she scored
below average on a recent I.Q. Test.

- [Buzzer]
- Ooh.

No. I'm sorry. Anybody?

Yeah. Your mama's so stupid...

she asked for a price check
at the -cent store.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Yes.

Now, that's one stupid mama.

Amfeny controls the board.

Uh, Stu, I'll take Pot Luck for .

Wild card category.
Let's get the .

Your Mama's So Short.

Your mama's so short,
she poses for trophies.

- [Bell Chimes]
- [Stu Whoops]

Casting aspersions on your mama.
What's next, T-Dog?

I will stick with Pot Luck,
for , Stu.

And this one is... OOh.

Your Mama's So Stank.

Your mama's so stank,
she's really unpleasant to be around.

- [Buzzer]
- No. Up for grabs.

Your mama's so ugly, when she sits
in the sand, the cat tries to bury her.

- [Laughing]
- Oh. Judges?

- [Buzzer]
- No.

I'm sorry. We can't accept that.
The category was Mama's So Stank.

Not Mama's So Ugly. Stank.

But you still have control
of the board, Amfeny.

Yeah, uh, let's go to Fat
for a hundred.

Okay. Your mama's so fat...

Your mama's so fat,
she sat on a quarter...

and squeezed a booger
out of George Washington's nose.

[Bell Chimes]

[Audience Cheering]

[Sighs]

Whoot. There it is.

I think I will stick
with Your Mama's So Fat, for , Stu.

All righty.
Your mama's so fat...

Uh, yeah. Your mama's so fat,
when she sits around the house...

I mean she really
sits around the house.

- [Bell Chimes]
- I'm down with that. Pick again.

Uh, let's go to Pot Luck
for .

Last in the category.
Your Mama's So Nasty.

Your mama's so nasty,
the punk bitch...

only changes her stanky,
funky drawers...

every , miles.

[Audience Whooping, Cheering]

Word to your mama.

Looks like Katie's down
with O.P.P.

And it looks like you're
on the board with .

- [Bell Ringing]
- Katie... Oh, but look at that. We're out of time.

Hey, we'll have to reveal the missing pieces
and have a look at the mystery dis.

The category is...
Mama's So Fat.

- T-Dog.
- [Clock Ticking]

Uh. Your mama's butt
is so big...

it looks like two pigs
fightin' over a Milk Dud.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Correct.! And that gives T-Dog the game.!

So come on over
for the lightning round.

Oh!

Nicely done, sir.
Let's meet...

Let's meet... your challenger.

The reigning four-time
Dirty Dozens champion...

and my main man... ScottyJ.!

- ♪♪ [Hip Hop]
- [Audience Cheering, Whooping]

Ah, the Terminator in the house.

You both know the rules.
This is the lightning round.

Dozens from any category
are accepted.

The first man to flinch
is eliminated.

All right. On your marks...
and go.

Your mama gums is so black,
she spits Yoo-Hoo.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Ouch.

Your mother's teeth so rotten, when she smile,
it look like she got a mouthful of dice.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Fresh.

Your mother's so old,
when God said, "Let there be light"...

- she hit the switch.
- [Bell Chimes]

T-Dog. Dope.

Like, your mother's so fat,
she eats biscuits like Tic Tacs.

- [Bell Chimes]
- Fresh.

- [Scotty] Come on.
- Your mama so black, the police sh*t at her...

and the b*ll*ts came back
for flashlights.

- [Bell Chimes]
- [Mutters]

- What's up?
- Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck.

- The witch chew like this.
- Back to you.

Your mama got a leg right here, right here,
right here, right there.

- The witch walk like this.
- Proper.

Your mama's so ugly...
Your mama ugly!

Mama so ugly, when a person
come up to her with a cat...

[Imitating Screeching, Hissing]

- And that ain't the cat.
- [Bell Chimes]

- Fresh.
- Come on! Come on! Come on!

Your mama got a ear right here.
She talkin' about...

- I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear it.
- [Bell Chimes]

- To you.
- What's up?

- [Buzzer]
- ♪♪ [Hip Hop]

- Wow.
- [Shouting]

Folks. Folks.

There you have it.

T-Dog is our champion.

Join us tomorrow for another edition
of The Dirty Dozens.

Good night, everybody.

[Announcer] Some contestants
on The Dirty Dozens will receive...

Dry Notion antiperspirant...

made for a man,
but strong enough for your mama.

- ♪♪ [Hip Hop]
- ♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Fades Out]

I hate goin' to the beach...

'cause I'm flatter than
a Michael Bolton high note.

Oh. I used to hate it, too,
before I discovered these.

Okay, sun, do your thing.

[Sizzling]

Laurie, you got breast implants?

You know how dangerous
those are?

Oh, calm down, Serena.

They're Ball Park breast implants.

- Ball Park breast implants?
- Yeah. They plump when you cook 'em.

Just apply heat, and out they pop...
tender, perky, juicy.

And they're great between a bun.

See?

Yeah, but are they safe?

Is a hot dog safe?
There's nothing to worry about.

Ball Park breast implants
are made of % natural animal lips...

tongues, ears and entrails.
[Laughs]

Exactly what hot dogs
are made out of.

Yeah, but what if you want to,
you know, take them out?

Oh, Serena, that's easy.

All you gotta do is eat them.

Just make sure
you heat them thoroughly.

- Ah!
- [Sizzling]

- Oh!
- They're still plumping.

This is amazing. Maybe I should
get Ball Park implants too.

Well, it's about time
you moved up from the minors.

[Both Laughing]

Hey, ladies. Got some mustard
for these buns?

Ooh!

Now that I've got
a Ball Park butt enhancer...

I can hang
with the homeboys anytime.

Hey, Arsenio!
Hooh! Hooh! Hooh!

- Better move on. You are blockin' my sun.
- [Both Laughing]

[Announcer] Ball Park breast implants
and Ball Park butt enhancer.

Available in chicken, turkey
and new "lite"varieties.

They plump when you cook 'em.

♪♪ [Olympic Fanfare]

[Man] Welcome to the final round
of the th annual...

African-American Revival Competition.

Hello. I'm Harv Firestone, and I'm here
with a man who has no trouble being heard.

Of course, I'm talking about
commentatorJohn "Super Bowl" Madden.

Thank you, Harv. Tonight, in addition
to some exciting performances...

we're gonna get some
of that real good peach cobbler.

Sister Sadie's gonna be sellin' it downstairs
in the locker room right afterwards.

[Firestone]
So let's move on, shall we?

It looks like
ourjudges are in place.

Let's go to the competition.

[Madden] Our first competitor is a member
of that Greater Mount Olive Adult Choir.

That's a real good bunch there. And when you
hear "revival,"you just think of one name...

- Ms. Rosetta McKee.
- ♪♪ [Organ: Gospel]

[Firestone] How right you are.
It's always good to see Ms. Rosetta again.

I'm a very good friend ofher husband's...
a greatjai alai player.

A two-time gold medalist,
she certainly is a favorite here.

My Lord! [Gasps]
My Lord! [Gasps] My Lord! [Gasps]

Oh, mercy! Mercy!
Mercy! Mercy!

Mercy! Ohh! Mercy!

Mercy! Mercy!
[Vocalizing]

Oh, mercy! Mercy!
Mercy! Mercy!

Well, that's incredible.
That's just smash-mouth.

That's flat out.
She brought the whole load there.

She goes into what they call
the "Stompin' Saint Shuffle."

But that vibratin' might cost.
Let's take a look at the instant replay.

She... Boom!
She nails the triple "My Lord"...

but then she starts runnin'
into a little interference right here...

with the double-reverse
"Mercy, Mercy."

- Right, Harv.
- Stop it right there. Now, you see that?

She is clearly cabbage patching.
Definite violation.

That's right. Let's see if the judges
are gonna be merciful.

Oh.! A . .

- Oh.!
- Tough break for Sister Rosetta.

Next up is a deaconess
from Louisville, Kentucky...

Mrs. Darline Whittiker.

Now, to me, Darline has always been
the real class of the competition.

- A well-known agnostic.
- Ho! Ho! Ho!

- [Continues, Indistinct]
- Glory! Glory! Glory!

Hi! Batter, batter,
batter, batter, batter!

- Diggety-dig! Diggety-dig!
- [Firestone] I don't believe it.!

She's talkin'in tongues,
and she's down.!

Ladies and gentlemen, amazing.
Look at...

- [Shouting Gibberish]
- Oh, and she's back up.!

Woo woo woo!
Nyuk, nyuk!

Down again. They're gonna
have to give her an eight count.

- [Madden] That's right.
- Let's see what the judges say.

A , a . .

Another .
That gives her a . .

Now here's the reigning champion...
Ms. Sarah Mae Brown.

I tell you,
Sarah's such a joy to be around...

'cause she's so down to earth.

She's like a "'round the way"
banshee girl.

- She used to spar with Mike Tyson.
- [Shouts]

And is biologically a man.
A lot of people don't know that.

Two-time Golden Glove winner.

This is her fourth consecutive appearance
at the Shouting Olympics.

- She's just ready to go. Let's watch the action.
- [Gargling]

As you see, the spit bucket
from her years in the ring.

In the old days, she would've spit
right on the floor, but times have changed.

- She's off and running.
- Speaking of running, shejust left the auditorium.

- Here she comes.
- Oh.! She lost her wig.

- I think she's gonna pull it off.
- Oh, that's beautiful.

Praise him!
Praise the Lord!

- Yes, O Mighty!
- Oh, she's not done yet.

- Mighty! Mighty! Mighty! Mighty!
- Sarah said that her competition
better be here today.

There she goes
with the soft shoe.

A lot of people don't know
she was in the chorus...

of the original production ofThe Wiz.

[Cheering]

[Shouting]

- Now, Lord!
- [Bursting]

Ms. Sarah Mae Brown, folks.

Ms. Sarah Mae Brown
brings it on home...

with a spectacular
"Gone to Glory" gainer.

And, you know, John,
the only thing wrong...

with doing a wonderful routine like this
is you can only do it once.

Right you are, Harv.
This is has been incredible.

She had the Holy Spirit
sh**t' out of her ears.

The fire, the brimstone... boom, bang...
flyin' all over the place.

This is the best thing I've seen
since David met Goliath.

There you have it, folks. This is Harv Firestone
with John Madden saying...

stay tuned for Heavyweight Collection Plate
Lifting and Synchronized Baptisms.

- Good night and happy to you.
- [Chattering]

Oh, my God. This must have
been one hell of a fire.

Man, I can't tell
if those are his lungs or beef jerky.

- [Monitor: Steady Beeping]
- We've lost him.

Time of death: : p.m.

Nurse, call the coroner.

- [Nurse Gasps]
- Don't touch that dial, Mary Tyler Morgue.

- It's a zombie!
- [Screams]

Not quite, son,
but I do appreciate the Haitian culture.

I am Fire Marshal Bill Burns,
and nobody likes a quitter.

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

- [Shouts]
- [Screams]

- [Flesh Tearing]
- [Grunts]

♪ Happy entrails to you ♪

[Yelping]

- Rib spreader.
- Rib spreader.

- Oh!
- [Grunting]

- Ah.
- [Nurse] Oh!

So that's where
my TV clicker went.

- Staple g*n!
- Staple g*n!

[Grunting]

- Band-Aid with colorful Flintstone characters.
- Band-Aid.

Voilà. Thanksgiving
atJeffrey Dahmer's house.

[Laughing]

Boy, this hospital is an accident
waiting to happen.

Let me show ya somethin'!

What the hell
are you talkin' about?

Say you've got
Ben Vereen on the table.

He's been on the highway
playing Chicken George with a Winnebago.

You're trying to put
the puzzle back together again...

when somebody says, " Hey, look.
There's Whoopi Goldberg with a black guy."

You spin around
to get a gander...

when you accidentally knock open
the valve on this gas.

- Like so.
- [Gas Hissing]

Next thing you know,
you're Dennis Hopper from Blue Velvet.

[Inhaling Deeply]
Don't look at me.

Don't you look at me!

You're groovy.
You're happenin'.

You're outta sight, daddy-o.
You are stardust. You are golden.

Then the telephone rings, and you
accidentally answer the heart zapper instead.

- Boy, this new Sprint line is really... clear!
- [Electric Shock]

This is your brain on dr*gs.
Any questions?

Now, just for the sake
of argument...

Let's just say...

a barracuda has been snackin'
on your patient's leg.

[Chomping]

This is no boating accident.

This leg is more messed up
than a child actor on Diff'rent Strokes.

[Laughing]

What time is it?

Amputation time!

You put your leg up here
to get a little leverage...

when some wacky resident decides
to playJedi knight with a surgical laser.

- [Buzzing]
- Look out.

♪ I knows a secret ♪
Hey, fella. Watch it.

You can take somebody's eye out
with that thing.

[Screaming]

Oh, yeah!

You reach in for the guy's leg
like Ray Charles lookin' for the Uh-Huh Girls.

Next thing you know...

- [Saw Buzzing, Grinding]
- Oh!

- I think I just hit marrow.
- [Buzzing]

There we go.
[Sighs]

Boy, they're right.

It does feel like it's still there.
[Laughs]

Oh, my God.
Get a trauma unit in here.

♪ Don't cry for me
Ike and Tina ♪

♪ It's you who is
in grave danger ♪♪

♪ Let me show ya, show ya somethin'
show ya somethin' ♪

♪ Let me show ya
show ya some-om-thin' ♪♪

Now.

Let's say you've got a patient...

whose bowels haven't moved
since MichaelJackson had lips.

So you just prescribe him
a little enema. [Yelps]

Sir, enemas, though the subject
of tasteless humor, are perfectly safe.

Not if you accidentally replace the warm,
soapy liquid with highly volatile...

[Chortling]
Nitroglycerin.

- Why would I do that?
- Maybe you're all out of Snapple, son.

Oh, Nurse.

- Would you pull my finger?
- No!
- No!

Okay.

Now a scene from Backdraft.

[expl*si*n]

[Sirens Wailing]

My children were born
in that hospital.

The desperate cries of the sick and injured
will now go unanswered.

Oh, well. I guess
I'm just a splash in the pan.

[Laughing]

♪ Let me show ya, show ya somethin'
show ya somethin' ♪

♪ Let me show ya
show ya some-om-thin' ♪♪

- ♪♪ [Theme]
- Hey, hey, hey! Yo!

That's the way we go.
That's it for tonight. Thanks for hangin'.

We'll see ya. Peace!

[Mouthing Words]

♪♪ [Continues]