05x05 - October 14, 1993

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night
it was safe to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

- [Crowd Booing]
- [Sportscaster]
Ronnie Thomas misses again.!

I'm trying to remember
the last time he was this off in a big game.

[Sportscaster # ]
He looks distracted, Marv.

Hey, Thomas.
You stink, man! Hey, Thomas.

You couldn't drive
on Miss Daisy, a'ight.

Hey, Thomas.
You couldn't sh**t if you had an AK- .

Hell, man. Hey, Thomas.
You been on the bench so long...

your little boy was born
with splinters in his butt!

- [Sportscaster # ]
New York takes a time-out.
- [Horn Blows]

Oh, man. H-Hey, guys, look.
I'm sorry. All right?

Just-Just hand me the ball.
I'll get hot. Really.

Hot? Hot? Hey, Halle Berry naked
couldn't get you hot, man.

Hey, you couldn't score if you went
on a date with Heidi Fleiss, all right?

- Get out a here, ya bum!
- He's getting to your head, man!

N-N-N-No, he isn't.
I can block it out, man.

Listen, brother,
you don't bother me, okay?

Why should I bother you,
if losing doesn't bother you?

Hey, maybe they could
trade you for something useful...

something like-like...
like a dust mop, all right?

I mean, I bet even your cat
coughs up air balls, all right?

All right, buddy.
All right, man, come on. Let's go!

- Let's go, man! Let's go!
- Hey, sec...

- Sec-Security! Security!
- You want to do it!

Somebody arrest this man
for impersonating a basketball player.

- Come on, Ronnie!
Take it out on the hoop, man.
- God.

Take a shower,
and forget about it, man.

Try to concentrate
on tomorrow's game.

Yeah. All right.

[Exhales]

Hey, man!
You got so many pimples on your butt...

- I thought I was lookin'
at Edward James Olmos!
- [Howling Cry]

Oh, honey. They wouldn't be
in the play-offs without you.

- [Sobs] I keep seeing his face.
- Shhh.

It's all over now.
The police took him away.

- Really?
- Really.

- I don't know if I can play tomorrow.
- Oh, yes you can.

Now let's just relax
and enjoy our dinner.

I'm gonna need more than that.
Waiter, get me a highball.

- [Screams]
- [Gasps]

No-No. No-No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Noo!

Is that your wife? Oh!

- I thought it was Patrick Ewing with a wig on.
- Ohh!

Shave your underarms. It looks
like you got Buckwheat in a headlock.

[Screams]

- No.
- [Grunting]

- [Patients Whining]
- All right, everyone. Yes.

As a reward
for all of your hard work in therapy...

and for those of you
under su1c1de watch...

Nurse Ratched and I
present to you...

the lilting, lighthearted
music of Ireland.

Let's give a hearty,
depressed-ward welcome...

to Seamus O'Shanty O'Shame!

- Whoo!
- [Strums Guitar]

Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
It's good to be here this afternoon...

spreadin' warmth and cheer and happiness
throughout the ward.

And as we say in Ireland, may your days
shine brighter than Sinead O'Connor's head.

And now I'd like to start off with a tender
little ballad, and it goes like this.

♪♪ [Singing Irish Folk Song]

♪♪ [Ends]
That's it.

Mr. O'Shame, you are undoing
all of our work!

If we wanted this we would
have gotten Judas Priest.

Now sing a...
a-a-a-a love ballad or something.

Ohh, a love ballad. A romantic,
liltin' little ballad. Oh, okay then.

All righty, here's one called " The Ballad
of Molly McBride," and it goes like this.

♪♪ [Singing]

- ♪♪ [Singing Continues]
- [No Audible Dialogue]

- ♪♪ [Ends]
- That's it.

- My mother was a nun!
- Oh, no, no, no!

Sir, you are through.
You've sung enough.

Now, please leave.
Somebody escort this man out of here.

No, no, no, no!
One more song folks. Here we go.

"Coming Through the Rye."
Everyone knows this one.

♪♪ [Singing]

No, no, no, no, no!

Hey!
♪♪ [Continues]

This is him. That's him.
All right, man.

You were supposed to be admitted
this morning. Come on, Mr. Walker. Let's go.

- Oh, I'm not Mr. Walker.
- Okay, Mr. Leprechaun. Let's go.

Oh, I'm not a Leprechaun either. I'm
the king of the moth people. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- Yes. I do love the king of the moth people.
- Okay.

King of the moth people, why don't
you fly towards the light? Come on.

Oh. No, not the light.
No, no, no. I can't resist the light.

Oh, help me. Oh. Ohh.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop]

♪♪ [Man Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Announcer] Welcome back to
the World Championship Sumo Wrestling.

Say hello to the number one
heavyweight contender Pernell Dorsett.

[Makes Karate Noises]

- Percy in the house, baby!
- Now, Percy, you know...

you and I go back a long way...

and there's always talk in the locker room
and out that you're anorexic.

- Would you like to shed some light on this?
- Yep.

I'm not anorexic. I eat all the time.
[Falsetto Grunt]

- Well, come on, Percy.
Now-Now, what did you eat today?
- Why? Do I look fat?

I mean, 'cause I'm tryin'
to lose weight, man.

No, you don't need to lose weight.
As a matter of fact...

I heard you have the metabolism of a gerbil.

[Laughs]
You're just being nice aren't ya, man?

I can stand to lose about five pounds.
I'm huge. Look at this.

Uhhh. Yeah, Pernell.
Today, you're facing a man...

who outweighs you by pounds.

[Pernell] Yakamoto, you're a pig,
and you are going down.

- [Shrill Yell]
- Well, all right folks. There you have it.

Let's get ready to rumble.!

Twelve rounds of sumo wrestling.

I'm David Alan Grier with the fight doctor,
Dr. Freddy Pacheco...

- Thursday Night at The Fights.
- [Crowd Clamoring]

[David] Um, now there's Percy.
He's, uh, beginning his warm-up.

You know, he brings to mind
a young Ben Vereen in Pippen.

Of course,
that's before the auto accident.

Percy is always one to show
the moves... a real crowd-pleaser.

And here's Yakamoto...

casting the salt...
the great tradition of sumo.

And, of course, Percy
casting a salt substitute...

preferred
by bulimics everywhere.

Of course, the name "Percy,"pronounced
in Japanese... [Guttural Gibberish]

- And I think we arejust about ready to begin.
- [Grunting]

Both wrestlers enter the circle in a match-up
reminiscent of David and Goliath...

or should I say
Godzilla and Mighty Mouse.

- Oww!
- That is really gonna linger.

And Percy's down.!

- Uh-uh. No, no.
- [Mouthing Words]

No time-outs
in here, buddy.

You gotta keep fighting.
This isn't the WBC.

[Thud]

You're doing great, Percy!
How do you feel?

Hey, man, ain't nothing but a broken spleen,
baby. I got him right where I want him.

That the best you can do?
You fight like Yoko Ono!

[Bellows]

- [Growling Yell]
- [Coughs, Squeals]

Ouch!
Now, that's really gotta hurt. Percy?

- Percy, are you under there? Talk to me, Percy.
- Come on, man.

Man, this ain't no thing,
but a chicken wing, baby.

I can still take this boy.
You ain't nothing, man.

- You don't want me, big boy.
You don't want me.
- [Growls]

Well, that's about all the time
we have for today, folks.

- We'll see you next week!
- [Gong Reverberates]

Bachelor number one,
where would you take me on our date?

L...

[Uses Lower Voice]
I would take you to Tiffany's...

where you could spend up to
and including two dollars.

- Yeah.
- [Boy] Deronda, are you up there?

It's me, Pookie.

- What's the password?
- Um, Deronda Hightower is so beautiful...

um, she make Halle Berry
look like a doo-doo head.

Yeah, okay, you can come in.
We're gonna play house.

Why can't we play post office?

'Cause I'm tired of you
all the time sh**t' at me.

- Okay. Let's play house.
- Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't.
We gotta get married first.

You gotta buy the cow before
you get a free milk shake.

Okay.

'Kay, do you take me to be
your awful wedded wife...

- as long as your butt shall live?
- Uh-huh.

[Together]
Marry, marry, marry!

- 'Kay, now we have a baby.
- We can't have no babies
if we don't do the "'ception."

I don't wanna do the 'ception!

Then what did I marry you for?
You gotta do the 'ception!

But it's my time!
I'm "miniscrating"!

- You say that every night!
- Okay, just hurry.

Ooh, baby, baby, baby.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Baby, baby, baby, baby.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Oh, Harold, you're the king.

Oh, great!
Another mouth to feed.

- I thought you was wearing a "diagram."
- Well, uh...

I thought you was
wearing a "condominium."

[Scoffs] It's hard enough out here
with what the man lets me earn.

My mama told me not to marry
a man with no "damnbition."

[Imitates Baby's Cries]
The baby is born.

And he looks just like his daddy.

Yeah, toothless and broke.

Why don't you just cut it off!
I'm going out!

- [Departing Footsteps]
- Well, don't let the doorknob
hit you in the booty!

And if you come back after midnight,
you're gonna sleep on the couch.

Oh, I had to come back.
I don't like sleeping on the couch.

- Make my back hurt.
- Okay.

Then we got to play
what I wanna play.

- Do you wanna play the 'ception?
- No!

I wanna play doctor.
You be the doctor.

- Okay, I'll be the doctor.
- Oh!

Oh, Doctor. Doctor.

My tummy hurts, and I'm sick.

Sounds like a very
critical condition you are in.

Do you have any health insurance?

- No.
- Your ass dead.

♪♪ [Hip-Hop Instrumental]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

- [Baby Babbling]
- [Announcer] Previously on In Living Color.

[Woman's Voice] It's all right,
little Wanda, I'm going to find your daddy.

- ♪♪ [Bluesy Sax Riff]
- [Man's Voice] It was another late night...

and I was alone in my office
with my only true friend in the world... Jack.

I hadn't had a case
in over three months...

but, then, she walked in.

Hey!
For real though.

She had a body that could stop a truck...

and a face that apparently had.

- Excuse me, I need a private d*ck.
- Ma'am?

- You see, I'm in trouble.
- You're absolutely right, ma'am.

- There's a leash law in this town.
- Oh.

You so crazy.
No, look.

I'm trying to find the father
of my little baby here.

Could you give me
a description of the man?

Oh, I don't remember how he was.
All I remember is...

the naked booty
jumpin' out my window.

Naked booty?
Mmm, I see the resemblance.

Anyway...

But what do you hope to achieve
by finding this culprit?

Well, you know, see,
I don't want Wanda Junior...

you know, to grow up
like I had did.

'Cause I don't think she should
do that in this world the way it is now.

'Cause all I had to do was
just survive on my good looks.

I don't think she's
gonna have that problem.

Well, you know what, mister. I'd just
like to thank you for taking my case.

And if you ever need to find me,
you just whistle.

- You know how to whistle, don't you?
- Sure, I do.

- All right.
- [Blows Silent Dog Whistle]

[Dog-like Howl]

This detective game
is an ugly business...

and itjust got uglier.

Hey, thanks for watching.
We'll see you next week on...

♪ In Living Color♪♪

♪♪ [Theme]

♪♪ [Continues]