05x12 - December 16, 1993

[bunniefuu]

[Man] Coming this fall
to Black Entertainment Television:

It's Mary Tyler Mo.

Mur, what goes better
with a fish "samich"?

Grape Kool-Aid or red?

Thanks, Mur.

- Mary, get in here.
- Oh!

Coming, Mr. Grant.

Yes, Mr. Grant?

Mary, I'm afraid I've got...

- some bad news for you.
- Oh.

Oh, well, Mr. Grant,
you're still not, uh...

you know, serious about
the "chocolate fantasy" thing?

Oh, yes, I am, but that's not
what I called you in for.

I'm afraid I have to, uh,
give you your pink slip.

Mr. Grant, you...

You... blue-eyed devil, you.

Ted, get in here.

What is it, Lou?

Ted, I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you.

Don't tell me you're serious
about that "chocolate fantasy" thing.

Yes, I am, Ted, but that's not what
I wanted to talk to you about.

Lou, before you say anything, big guy,
I just want you to know...

it's a pleasure working here for you...

and you're everything a guy
could hope for in a boss...

and a friend.

That's great, Ted. That's nice.
You're fired.

- You h*nky bastard!
- What was that, Ted?

I'm sorry, Lou.
I didn't mean it, Lou.

It just slipped out.
[Sobbing]

[Man]
Mary Tyler Mo... coming this fall.

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons...

and I'm here to tell you,
you can never be too careful...

not with all these here
unwanted pregnancies...

diseases and all these other hoodoos...

wanting to come between you and
your main squeeze, Mr. Johnson-Ronson.

Know what I'm saying?

That's why I'm here to protect you
with the Loomis Simmons...

Custom Built Condom.

Today modern "womens"
will pitch a fuss...

and leave you out in the cold...

'less you put a raincoat
on your little man.

God bless their tiny little souls.

That's where my Loomis Simmons
Custom Built Condom come in.

The Loomis Condom
was specially designed...

to fit snugly on to me...

and it keeps you safe
from harm's way...

'cause I'm the one who wear it.
[Chuckles]

Just give me $
and I'll take all the risk.

Now, you must be "axing"...

"Where do I come in, Loomis?"

You pay for the hotel room
and wait in the lobby.

It's that simple.
Here's how the system works.

You take the girl out for drinks;

you take the girl out to dinner;

you take the girl out dancing;

and once you're sure
she's ready to get nasty...

then you call Loomis.

Loomis comes over to your house.

Loomis wears the custom-built
Loomis Condom.

Loomis have freaky circus sex
with your woman.

Then Loomis leave.

It's that simple.

Hell, you can even sip a scotch...

and cheer me on,
if that's your freaky thing.

But don't take my word for it.

Let's talk to some
of my satisfied "customears."

I don't like wearing a condom...

because I can't feel
the intensity of the moment.

Now, with the Loomis Simmons
Custom Built Condom...

I still don't feel nothin'...

but I don't get
all hot and sweaty either.

After I got these sores...

I never thought
I'd trust a condom again.

Then I heard about Loomis Simmons'
revolutionary technology.

Now I can please the ladies
and play it safe.

[Groans]

[Panting]

Go!

I enjoyed every minute.

- Can I have some of that, man?
- Uh...

Just... Just keep it, man.

That's exciting, isn't it?

Now, a lot of people say to me...

"Loomis, why would I want
a complete stranger...

to share such an intimate moment
with my woman friend?"

And I say, " Shut up.

"I'm trying to have
freaky circus sex with them.

I ain't sticking around to cuddle.
That's your job."

Let's be honest.

There's only so much Loomis can do.

But if you throw in an extra $ ...

I'll even smoke a cigarette while
I'm putting my thick and thins back on...

for absolutely free.

So order your Loomis Simmons
Custom Built Condom...

and leave the driving to me.

- [Together] We want food. We want food.
- Settle down. Settle down.

- We want food. We want...
- Settle down.

Settle down, everyone.

I know you have your hearts set
on a turkey dinner with all the trimmings...

but we all decided to get
the most food for our money...

- and that is two cans of Spam.
- [Groans]

Ah, but we spent the extra money
we saved on a special treat for you.

We're gonna have
some Irish folk music.

So let's give a big
homeless shelter welcome...

to Shamus O'Shanty O'Shame.

♪♪ [Acoustic Guitar]

[Belches]

Oh, thank you very much. There's
nothing like singing on a full stomach.

And may your holiday today be full...

of pink hearts, yellow moons,
blue stars and green clovers.

Hoo-hoo!

I'm gonna start off today with a song
about a man named Fluther...

the patron saint of the poor...

and severe groin injuries.

And it goes like this.

♪♪ [Folk]

And that's it.

[Weeping]

- You've got to be a little bit more sensitive.
- Well, then, how about...

How about a song
about leprechauns, huh?

A pot of gold, song of hope,
something like that. It goes like this.

♪♪ [Folk]

That's it.

- I need a drink.
- One day at a time, Billy.

No, man, I can't take
one song at a time.

Bye, Billy. See ya later.
[Giggles]

- He was our biggest success.
- Well...

Five years of sobriety out the window.

Mr. O'Shame, I implore you, sing
something to lift these men's spirits.

Okay, I've got just the song.

- You, sir... What's your name?
- Jerry.

Jerry! How are you, Jerry?
Jerry, come on up here, son.

Jerry, do you feel like there's days
where you just want to end it all?

- Yeah.
- Yes, you do.

Oh, but we've worked
very hard with Jerry...

and he now realizes
that there is a lot to live for.

I'm gonna dedicate this next song
to you. It's called "Keep Lookin' Up."

♪♪ [Folk]

There you go.
[Laughs]

Are you crazy? All you're doing
is singing songs that depress them.

All right, gentlemen,
there he is. Grab him. Come on.

- Oh! Oh!
- Okay, Shamus, it's time to go back to the home.

- What's going on here?
- Last night this turkey...

hitched a ride on the Prozac truck.

Yeah, we didn't miss him
until bed check this morning.

I'm no ordinary turkey.
I'm a Butterball.

I'm the king of the Butterballs.
Gobble, gobble, gobble...

- [Indistinct]
- Gobble, gobble, gobble!

Ooh! Oh, my breasts
are delicious and tender. Ooh!

Interracial couples...

Difficult enough for children,
but what if one parent was a major star...

and treated you like
you were a major embarrassment?

White Hollywood, black children...

that's our focus on today's Geraldo.

[Cheers, Applause]

We are joined by the seed corn
of some of America's greatest stars.

Our first guest has just written
this painful memoir...

Beam Me Up, Daddy...

which chronicles
how he was shunned...

by his natural father, William Shatner.

Please welcome T.J. Shatner.

[Cheers, Applause]

[Imitating William Shatner]
Thank you, Geraldo.

It is indeed a pleasure...

to be on board.

My next guest is a walking
example of what happens...

when a great director redirects
his creative juices, if you will.

Please welcome Tonisha Allen,
daughter of Woody Allen.

- Tonisha, hello.
- [Cheers, Applause]

[Imitating Woody Allen]
It's, uh, you know, a real pleasure to be here...

uh-uh, Geraldo.

L-I believe it was, uh, uh, my father...

Or was it Martin Luther King?

Who said, "I have a dream."

A-A-And in the dream
I'm-I'm butt naked...

doing the nasty with my rabbi.

Oh, uh, and-and the worst part...

is-is he keeps asking me
to talk dirty in Hebrew.

Now let's meet our last guest.

I'm sure you've all heard
about the recent biography...

that paints a shockingly
promiscuous portrait...

of comedy legend Bob Hope.

Today I bring you the progeny
of one such illicit union...

the son Bob Hope fathered
with the late Moms Mabley...

Darius Hope.

- Let's hear it.
- Yeah. Hey.

[Cheers, Applause]

[Imitating Bob Hope]
Hey, how is everybody doing?

This is wild.
I wanna tell you.

Now if I'm correct in
assuming this, you are about...

uh, years old.

Yeah. Hey, that's wild.

Darius, have you ever met
your famous father?

Hey, I sure did, Geraldo...

and I wanna tell you,
he even offered me a job.

Was is a personal assistant job
or a joke writer position?

Hey, no. Actually, he gave me
a lamp and a jockey's outfit...

and told me to stand on his lawn.

Not wild at all.

Now, Tonisha, how did your father...

get to know your mother?

[Stammering]
Very, very well...

uh, uh, uh, Geraldo.

In fact, in a word, biblically.

Uh, my mother was the only
black woman ever to appear...

in a Woody Allen film.

Of course, she ended up
on the cutting room floor...

with-with Woody on top of her.

Well, wasn't that sweet?

That's all the time
we have for today.

Please tune in tomorrow,
when our focus will be...

anorexic transsexuals
and the lesbian dwarfs who stalk them.

On the next Geraldo.
Good night.

[Cheers, Applause]

All right, y'all,
come on, keep moving, baby.

All right, this is the "A" list, baby,
the "A" list.

- You on the "B" list, you gotta rent the video.
- Check it out.

- Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
- Uh-Uh-Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jiffy Pop.
Don't forget your popcorn.

♪♪ [CommercialJingle]

Kellogg Pop-Tarts.

- Shut up, man.
- Pop, pop.

Whoo. There's gold
in them there hills.

Excuse me, guys.

Excuse me, guys,
but what is it that a girl has to do...

- to get into this place tonight?
- [Babbling]

Well, first get you
a package of condoms...

and you know that movie,
Debbie Does Detroit?

Well, just forget
all about the Detroit part.

Yeah, drop the Detroit
and just do the doing.

Dream on.

- You ain't all that snoopy.
- M-M-M-Milk... It does a body good.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ain't that...
- Hey, wait. Hey.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, dog, what's goin' on?

Hey, Free Willy.

Uh, excuse me.

L-I I'm on the list.
I am the director of the film.

- You're the director of the film?
- Yes, the director.

- What might your name be, sir?
- My name is Alan Smithy.

- [Babbling]
- Alan Smithy... you're the director of the film.

- With a "Y."
- With a "Y"?

- Yes.
- Just like, uh, Spike Lee and John Singleton, huh?

Yeah, yeah.
Just like Matty Rich...

- a-a-and M-M-Mario van Peabo Bryson.
- Yes. That's right.

No, that's wrong, "Alfred Hitchbutt."
Now look.

I know you're a celebrity stalker, man...

'cause you look like you're obsessed.

- You look like you're insane. Something is wrong.
- Uh-huh, insane. That's right.

- Excuse me. L...
- Hey, hey, man. I told you, man.

You need to go seek you
some professional help, psycho.

Psycho, like the movie, huh?
[Screeching]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Hey.

Yes? Could I help you?

Anyway, LeVar Burton,
how can I help you?

Lenny and Squiggy, this is
my premiere. Did they tell you?

- Oh, oh, and who might you be?
- And who might you be?

- Johnny Gill.
- [Together] Oh, he's Johnny Gill.

He act like...
Act like heJohnny Gill.

- I am the real Johnny Gill.
- Like he... Like you... Like you...

You know Michael Bivins.
You don't know Michael Bivins.

Oh, you Johnny Gill, so you the one
who sing "My, My, My," huh?

- Absolutely. That's right.
- You sing "My, My, My"?

- [Babbling]
- Hey, man, I'll tell you what.

You got that CD out, right, called
A Long Way from Home, right?

- [Babbling]
- Yeah, that's me.

See, that's wrong.
The only thing you're a long way from...

is being Johnny Gill, 'causeJohnny Gill
is good looking, he's smart...

- and he got a "S"Curl, and you ain't even close.
- Yeah, and...

Ohhh...

Wait a minute.

And... And on top of that...

he-he know Michael Bivins
and Stacy Lattisaw.

You know what?

I think I do know you.

I think I've seen you
on the wall at the post office.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Little man...

Hi. I'm Burt Reynolds.

- All right, Burt, go on through.
- A-A-A-A-And...

And say hi to Loni for me...
if-if you can afford it.

Yo. Now, come on now. If that's
Burt Reynolds, then I'm James EarlJones.

[Stammering]
You look like Darth Vader.

- Man, get out of my way.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- Hey, I done told you.
Don't be getting up on me.
- [Babbling]

- Wait a minute. What you wanna do?
- You wanna put 'em up?

- Yeah. The only movie you gonna see is...
- I don't just sing.

- I don't just sing.
- Oh, you don't just sing?

- Come on.
- It's on. It's on.

You see, you In the Line of A... Whoopin'.

Johnny.! Johnny Gill.
Hello.

- Hi. How are you?
- Fine, thank you.

All the stars are out tonight.
Are you excited about your premiere?

Definitely. The only thing is,
I'm just trying to get into the theater.

- Why? Is there a problem?
- No, no, no, no, no. Ain't no problem.

- These two clowns...
- No, no, no. There...

There go your problem, right there.

Look at him.
There he is, yeah.

That... That's Cypress Hill, right there.

He looks... He looks
empty-headed enough.

I'm sure he's not really
a problem to either of you.

- I find that hard to believe.
- You-You-You... You don't...

You don't know him.
I been home with him.

Boy got so many... House so dusty,
the roaches ride around in dune buggies.

[Woman] All right, we'll be sure
and stay far away from him.

Let's go inside, where
the star-studded crowd awaits...

an Entertainment Tonight exclusive.

John... Johnny...
[Stuttering]

Come here.

Why don't you do something
with yourself...

like... maybe wipe
the dirt from your neck?

You... You know that's Entertainment
Tonight in there. That's right.

Man, you ain't got to be
pushing me, man.

Uh... Uh...

I just seen Cuba Gooding, Jr., in there.

Is that right?
Was he overacting?

No, but he was with them
white boys from the movie.

- Is that right?
- Yeah, exactly. I loves Johnny Gill.

♪♪ [Singing]

All right, all right, all right.
I'm Twist.

Tonight we have
Epic recording artist Patra...

featuring Lyn Collins
singing "Think" in the house.

♪♪ [R& B]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]