05x15 - January 27, 1994

[bunniefuu]

- [Laughing]
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- Hi-yah!

♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would ya...
How would ya... How would ya f... ♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact b*at ♪

[Echoing] ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- ♪ You can do what you wan... wan... wan... ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

- [Turntable Scratching]
- ♪ In living color♪♪

[Laughing]

[Chattering]

We need a table for two.

It's gonna be a few minutes.
Maybe you'd like to sit at the bar.

Ooh, that's perfect.
Petey, this place is lovely.

Ain't nothin' too nice for you, Tracy.

All right. Can I get you beautiful people
something to drink?

- What do you recommend?
- Uh, how about a Black Russian?

- How much is that?
- That'll be five dollars.

Five dollars!
Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

How about I give you cents...

you give me a light-skinned girl from Moscow?

[Chuckles]
I can't do that, man.

Okay, uh...
Uh, what else you got?

- Uh, we have a wonderful house wine.
- [Gasps]

- How much is that?
- Four dollars a glass.

Four dollars a glass!
Good Lord, that's a lot of...

That cost more than my house.

How about I give you
about, uh, cents...

you keep the house wine and bring
me some of that project punch?

Why don't I get you
two bottles of Snapple?

All right.
One bottle, two straws.

I love Snapple.

Uh, gee, honey, what do you
want to do after dinner?

I hear there's a great new
detective film at the cineplex.

How much it cost
for two tickets and some popcorn?

- Uh, $ .
- Seventeen dollars!

Good Lord!

You know, how about we go to my mama's
house and watch BarnabyJones?

I know, honey.
Why don't we just go back to my place...

turn the lights down low
and watch a video?

How much is that?

I rented one already. It's free.

Free? Good Lord, that's a good idea.

Excuse me, sir.
Your table's ready.

Honey, you just go along.
I'll be a minute, okay?

Hey, fella. Fella.

You got a condom machine
in that there bathroom?

- Yeah, we do.
- All right, all right.

- How much...
How much for a lubricated condom?
- One dollar.

One dollar!
All right. All right.

How much for one
with no lubrication?

Still a dollar.

Now tell me how
they gonna cost the same...

when one don't got
no "lube-ro-cation"?

I don't know.
They both cost the same though.

Aw, come on.
How much for a balloon?

Hi. Here's some bread
and some menus.

- I'll be right back to take your order.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

How much for this bread?

- It's complimentary.
- "Complimentary"?

Good Lord, that's a big word.
Complimentary... What's that mean?

- It means it's free.
- Free? The bread free now?

- Free like Kunta Kinte.
- Good Lord, that's free.

All right, all right.
I like this free thing.

- Bring her one too.
- All right.

Ooh, Petey, the New York
steak strip looks good.

- Good Lord.
- Mmm! Prime rib.

- Good Lord.
- [Gasps] Hey, lobster.

Good Lord, that's a lot of money.

Don't you like rice?

How about you order a bowl of rice
and the water it was boiled in?

Honey, if I don't have
a hearty meal tonight...

well, I may not have enough strength
later on when we, you know, get busy.

- All right. I got a nice idea.
- Yeah?

How about you eat
a nice little snack...

and then you just rub the booty?

- What?
- Okay...

Why don't you suck the gravy
off of his vest, right...

and just shake my hand
under the table?

That's it, Peter. I'm ordering
anything and everything I want...

and you're gonna pay for it.

Waiter? I'm ordering everything
on the left side of the menu.

- Thank you very much.
- Good Lord.

- How much is that gonna be?
- Uh, including gratuity?

- [Sighs] Wh-What's "gratuity"?
- That's my tip.

You want a tip?
Don't smoke in bed.

By the way, what do you do
to people that don't pay their bill?

- We throw them out of this establishment.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, if you're gonna throw me, make sure...

- you throw me towards Denny's, all right?
- That's it, buddy. Let's go.

Hey! Get the bread.
Get the bread.

Hey, come on.

[Man, Indistinct]

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Ends]

Hello, and welcome
to A. W.F. 's Main Event.

Tonight, a super heavyweight, super brawl...

for the prestigious title,
"King of All Media."

And here come two
of our warriors right now.

- [Growling]
- [Growling]

I am Rush Limbaugh.

And I'm Al Sharpton.

And we are ordering you to park
your dimpled rump on the nearest couch...

and get ready for
the grudge match of the century.

No doubt many of you are wondering
what could have made me join forces...

with this pink-eyed devil.

Or why would I hitch my pie wagon...

to this welfare check
with legs... Why?

Only one thing could make us
increase the peace.

[Together]
Howard Stern.

That beanpole may have stolen
his hair from Donna Summer...

And he is not going to steal
this town from us.

That's right.
We are the true kings of all media.

My radio show is more popular...

than a drunk broad
at a Kennedy party.

- That's right.
- I defy you to name...

a more shameless camera hog
than yours truly.

I have talent on loan from God.
From God, do you hear me?

I want you, Stern!
I want you!

And oh, my, here comes
Fart Man right now...

with his tag team partner, Robin Quivers.

I am Fart Man!

Well, well...
If it isn'tJabber the Hut.

And who dressed this
big fat guy up as James Brown?

- Oh, Howard, please.
- All right, Fart Man, you gonna get yours.

- Get him, Robin.
- [Groaning]

Oh, that's punishment.

- [Snarls]
- Oh, look...

Shamu just got in the ring.

Now all we need are some lesbians...

and a tub of whipped cream
and we've got a show.

[Announcer]
Oh, my goodness, ladies and gentlemen.

This has all the makings
of a bare-knuckles street brawl.

All right, Stern, let's see how
your feminazi shill likes my super slam.

Just make her watch your TV show.

That'll put her to sleep,
you sperm whale.

- Oh, Howard. [Laughs]
- [Yells]

- [Growling]
- [Givens Laughing]

It breaks my heart to see
a Nubian princess go to bobo.

Don't stop.
Don't stop, you cocker spaniel.

[Growls]

Oh, Howard, you're terrible.

[Announcer] Incredible... Quivers
taking a lot of punishment out there...

and yet she's still
laughing like an idiot.

I will crush you flatter than
the Ring Ding in my back pocket.

No!

[Grunts]

[Babbling]

Al, do you mind?

Your armpit's like
a cottage cheese factory.

Oh, Howard...
Howard, please.

You're terrible.

You know, Robin...

I would love to play butt bongo
with these two butterballs...

but I'd have to be a kodo drummer.

Kodo drummer!
Oh, Howard.

All right, Stern, prepare to die.

[Groans]

- [Farting]
- Oh. Oh, God!

[Laughing]

- Aha. My super powers have finally kicked in...
- [Limbaugh Groans]

With a little help from that
bran muffin and a pot of coffee.

[Givens]
Bran muffin and a pot of coffee.!

- [Laughing]
- [Announcer] What in the...

Stern has pulled some kind
of foreign object from his trunks.

It's a Hostess pie, you moron.

It is.!
It's a delicious fruit pie.

- [Grunts]
- Hey, now, hold on, h*nky.

I want my piece of the pie.

There it is, and it looks like we have...

Wait, wait. Wait a second.
It is...

It's a disqualification.

[Bell Ringing]

Hey! This is a travesty.

This isn't the A.W.F.
It's the F.C.C.

I'm not gonna take
that from you, caveman.

[Laughing]
Oh, Howard.

[Indistinct]

I guarantee you folks,
this feud is a long way from over.

So until then, so long.

Pull my finger, Robin.

♪♪ [Dance]

♪♪ [Man Singing, Indistinct]

♪♪ [Ends]

[Man]
Live from the inner city...

it's East Hollywood Squares.

With George Foreman, Spike Lee...

Dr. Dre, Robert Guillaume...

Fred Berry, Little Richard...

Jackeé, Shari Belafonte...

a guy from the Ojays
and one of the Pips.

And now, the master
of East Hollywood Squares...

Peter Marshall.!

- [Applause]
- Thank you, Luis.

Welcome once again
to The East Hollywood Squares. Hey, stars.

- [All Talking]
- Nice to see each and every one of you.

Let me show our home audience
the secret square.

Now I want you to meet our players.

You've met Becky before. She's a shiatsu
manipulator from Laughlin, Nevada.

- Welcome back, Becky.
- Thank you.

And Daryl over here... He runs a singles
complex in Canoga Park, California.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

Now, backstage you won the game
of One Potato, Two Potato, so Daryl...

- "Duryl," is that right? "Duryl."
- Yeah.

You'll... You'll start,
so good luck, and, uh, pick a star.

Yeah, I'll go with
George Foreman, please, Peter.

[Cheers, Applause]

[Marshall]
George, good to see you. How's it goin'?

Say, George, you've fought
many of these...

but how many rounds
are there in a title fight?

Ooh, Peter, you know, there's...

Well, there's round steak
and there's ground round...

and there's so many
round tasty things.

Uh...

I'm gonna have to go
with a cheeseburger. That's round.

Cheeseburger. What do you think?

- I'll agree.
- [Buzzer Sounds]

No, I'm sorry, Daryl.
That-That cheeseburger doesn't cut it.

In fact, it's pretty bizarre that the man...

would even say that,
and that you would agree.

Becky, it's your turn.

- Pick a star.
- I'll go with Spike Lee.

- Hi. Hi.
- [Applause]

[Marshall] Spike, congratulations
on your recent marriage.

Here's your question. " How many
days a week do newlyweds hit it?"

- Ha, ha. Peter?
- Yes.

- Peter.
- Yes.

- Peter.
- Hmm?

How many times do newlyweds hit it?

You mean, "Uh"?

You mean how many times
does she gotta have it?

Huh? You mean how many times
do we do the right thing?

Huh? How many times
does "X" mark the spot?

Huh? She gets the Spike Lee joint,
like, uh, five times a week. Uh.

- Spike says five times a week.
- Eww. I'll disagree.

- [Bell Dings]
- Good choice.

What do you... Get out of here, disagree.
Get out of here.

What are you agreeing on?
Get out of here, agreeing.

Uh, Duryl, your pick.

Yeah. I'll go with the lovelyJackeé.

- [Marshall]Jackeé.
- Hey, Peter.

Good to see you.
Good to see you.

Uh, what would you say is the most
worn out spot in your house?

Uh...

I have to say my "G" spot.

- She says her "G" spot.
- Uh, I'll agree.

- That's right. And circle gets the square.
- [Bell Dings]

Becky, it's your turn to choose.

- Uh, yes, I'll go with Robert Guillaume.
- Bob Guillaume...

- star of television's Benson.
- [Muttering]

Great show. Benson.

Okay. In Alex Haley's Queen,
what did the butler say to the Boss?

Kiss my black ass, man.

- I'll agree.
- [Bell Dings]
- Right.

And "X" gets the square.
Duryl, what star will it be now?

Uh, I think I'll go with Fred Berry.

Fred Berry, Rerun from the classic
What's Happening?

- What's new, Fred?
- [Applause]

Not a darn thing.

That's why I'm here
sh**ting East Hollywood Squares.

Yes. Uh, so, Fred, listen carefully.
Very important question here.

"What's small, purple,
and should be examined by a doctor?"

Hmm.

I'd have to say...

Prince.

Prince. Small, purple and should
be examined by a doctor.

Uh, well, do you agree or disagree?

- I'll disagree.
- [Buzzer Sounds]

No, that's definitely
a correct answer.

Becky, it's your pick. So...

I'll go with one of
my personal favorites, Shari Belafonte.

I think she's everybody's
personal favorite.

- Shari, here's your question. How big...
- Hi. Peter.

- Hi, dear. You look so beautiful.
- How ya doin'?

- Dig this.
- [Chuckles]

The question is...

"How big is your forehead?"

Wow, Peter. I mean, how dare you,
you know? I mean, how dare you?

I would never ask someone,
you know... I mean, dig this.

I would never ask someone how big their
forehead was. All right, Peter? Twelve inches.

- Well, how is it?
- Twelve inches.

- Twelve inches?
- I'll agree.

- [Buzzer Sounds]
- I'm sorry, Becky. It's actually inches.

"X" doesn't get the square.

Duryl, it's your turn.
Go get 'em.

Yeah, I'll go with
the "D" man himself, all right?

The "D" man.

The incredible Dr. Dre in the house.

- Say, what's up, pal?
- Hey, what's up, man.

I know you've been very busy.
I heard you've had quite a few hits lately.

Well, you know, I been heapin'
and a-peepin' and a-creepin'...

and I almost got popped
'cause my beeper kept beepin'...

so it's time I made my pressure felt.

Now let me creep to the mike
like a phantom. What up? Yeah.

Yeah, man, look. Y'all can't
prove nothin' on me, right? Okay?

All right? Can't nobody
do a positive I.D. On me yet, man.

That wasn't even my g*n, "G."

What's up, up in here, huh?
What's up?

- Are you ready for the question?
- Yeah, come on with it.

Okay. " How many times should
the word 'bitch' be used in a record?"

Uh-huh. Well, what you mean? Single,
CD cut, -inch, maxi dance version, Loc?

- What up?
- The single.

Uh-huh. Well, it depends on the ho...

I mean, lady.

- Well, take a guess.
- All right. I would have to say...

Uh...

Uh, , times.

- That's give or take , money.
- Agree or disagree?

Uh, yeah, I'll agree.

- [Bell Dings]
- Circle gets the square.

- All right, good.
- Yes. Okay.

- Uh, your turn, dear.
- I'll go with Little Richard to black... To block.

[Alarm Sounds]

[Marshall]
That is the secret square.

Becky, for the block,
and we're going to Little Richard.

Oh, good golly, Miss Molly.
♪ Ooh ♪

True or false...

In London, another name
for cigarette is "f*g."

You better shut up
and ask me another question.

All right.
That's fair enough.

In your hit song "Tutti Frutti"...

we all know Kim Fields is Tutti,
but who, exactly, is Frutti?

You're gonna make me
cut you in half.

Maybe you'll like this one.
I've got another question for you.

Listen carefully. Other than
in the movies Pinocchio and Hook...

are there any other
big fairies in Hollywood?

I'll have to say yes. ♪ Ooh ♪
Shut up.

- Agree or disagree?
- I'll disagree.

- [Buzzer Sounds]
- Oh, no, there are three on the panel right now...

that are suspect, but anyway...

You should have agreed.
Duryl, you can win it right here.

- So go get 'em.
- Yo, I'll take Little Richard to W-l-N.

Okay. Listen carefully.

"God created the world in six days.

On the seventh day,
what did he do?"

He created rock 'n' roll, honey,
and then he stole it from me.

He did. 'Cause I'm the creator,
the originator of rock 'n' roll.

And you know what?
He stole that burnin' bush idea.

I was the one in the mountains burnin'.
♪ Ooh ♪

He said God created rock 'n' roll,
then stole it from him.

- Do you agree or disagree?
- Uh, I'll disagree.

- [Bell Dings]
- Circle gets the square and the game.

Congratulations to Duryl.
It looks like you're our new champion.

Hey, Kenny, tell Duryl what he's won
on East Hollywood Squares.

[Announcer]
Duryl, you've won one ticket...

to the smash hit musical Mama, Put Down
the Cornbread 'Cause I Wanna Sing.

Thank you, stars. I'll see you here next time.
Peter Marshall saying bye-bye.

For more fun on East Hollywood Squares,
you look for us.

[Chattering]

I wish that this closing
would come soon.

Thanks for joining us tonight, everyone.

Good night!

♪♪ [Theme]

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪♪ [Continues]

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪♪ [Ends]