18x02 - The Professor and the Coach

[bunniefuu]

[STATIC ON TV]

GREG: We interrupt this static
with breaking news.

[ALL GROAN]

Langley's arena football team,
the Bazooka Sharks,

have announced they are
leaving Langley Falls.

- [ALL GASP]
- I poured so much love into the Sharks.

What will I do now?

No, no, no!

We must do something!

We must write a rap!

Outta my way, babe.

I gotta write a rap to
save the Bazooka Sharks!

Cool beans, babe.

I'm off to class.
See you d*ck-a-licks later.

Wait a minute, why are you so happy?

- You hate school.
- I used to,

but I have this new
creative writing professor,

and he is so inspiring.

It's like he lit a fire inside me.

- They're banging, right?
- For sure.

That, or it's Roger.

[GRUNTS]

Well, I'm off to shape the
soft clay minds of our youth.

Told you it was Roger.

I'll see you in class, Hayley.

Your inspiring professor is Roger?

Are you serious?

I was skeptical, too,

but there's something
different about this persona.

He's passionate and engaged.

You know, it sounds crazy,

but I think Roger is his best self

when he's professor Longbottom.

Hey, is Mom okay?

She's just bugging out because
the Sharks are leaving town.

Oh, wait. I think her twitch is
saying something in morse code.

Never...

gonna...

give you up?

♪ Never gonna give you up ♪

- ♪ Never gonna let you down ♪
- [ALL GROAN]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

- ♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- [BICYCLE BELL DINGS]

I can't make you crash today, Stan.

- I've got class.
- [BICYCLE BELL DINGS]

- _
- Football, huh?

Well, I was only going to
work to hit the flagpole.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Does anyone know why we're
having class outside today?

What does every classroom have?

- Desks?
- A pet hamster?

Posters of Abraham Lincoln?

Correct. But also completely wrong.

The correct answer
I'm looking for is "walls."

TOGETHER: Ah.

I hate walls.

Walls are the physical manifestation

of the walls we put up inside our minds

that stop us from becoming writers.

Me? "Writers"?

I'd like to talk today
about Old Faithful,

the geyser in Wyoming.

Old Faithful fills with boiling water.

The same way your mind fills
with ideas for writing.

Like Old Faithful,
you have to erupt onto the page.

Speaking of erupting,

Hayley Smith is getting
her short story published

in Groff's literary zine.

I got into Soul Puddles?

Yes. Your piece, "An alien in my attic,"

will be out Friday.

An irresponsible story to write,

but I am very, very proud of you.

Damn, professor L-B loves you.

I can't get over what
a good teacher you are.

And I can't get over the
fact that I'm riding a bike

this speed and not falling over.

You walk slow.

Dad? What are you doing here?

I found something to
replace the Bazooka Sharks.

I'm a Groff football booster now.

Hey, we're all doing Groff stuff.
That's great.

It would be,
except the team hasn't won a game

in three years.

We need a new offensive line.

Hey, isn't Steve always
hanging around with a big boy?

I gotta go.

Stan in a Polo shirt.

His gut sticks out,
but his arms look like pythons.

Break some off for me.

Not that I would. He's family.

[GROANS]

Roger, I want to say thank you.

Your inspiration gave me the courage

to write that story.

I just did what any
great professor does...

nurse a red-wine hangover
while pretending to care

about whatever my hottest
student was talking about.

Not you, obviously.

You're family.

"'Old Faithful:'
A novel by Dickens Longbottom."

You're writing a novel?

It's nothing,
just your basic sci-fi noir

with elements of dark
fantasy and staged realism,

centered around Old Faithful.

- Can I read it?
- Not till it's finished.

I'm having trouble with the ending.

And middle.

The beginning has been pretty elusive.

Writing is hard.

Well, maybe I can be your writing buddy,

help keep you on task.

Support your writing the
way you supported mine.

I was incredibly helpful to you.

Okay, let's meet tomorrow
at the coffee shop.

I like to write in public

so other people can
see that I'm writing.

It's a very important
part of my process.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, Mr. Smith.

Are you here to have
sex with my parents?

If that's what you want, Barry.

Because from now on,
you get everything you want.

Because I'm recruiting
you to play football

at Groff community college.

I'm in ninth grade.

And that's why community college

is the perfect place for you.

Let's go for a drive.

- We'll take your car.
- I don't have a car.

Then whose keys to a seven-year-old SUV

with , miles on it are these?

You like prostitutes, Barry?

Okay, Roger. Let's write that book.

- What is it?
- I-It's just

that table seems a lot
better for writing.

But that's the only other
table with people at it.

Must be writers, too.

Show-offs.

Wait, I think they're leaving.

They're not leaving, but maybe soon.

No rush. I'm a writer, too.

They sure didn't like me
flicking their ears like that.

Okay, time to write.

This computer feels a little small.

Look at this behemoth.

This is a computer.

I'm ready.

My chair is too low.

Ugh.

You got a really nice lap.

I'm starting to think this
computer might be too big.

Roger, what's going on?

Do you even want to finish this novel?

Of course.

But I'm afraid.

What if it's not universally beloved?

What if it's merely a cult classic?

You have to power
through that fear, dive in...

- Dive on in.
- ...and just write.

You're right. Let's do this.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Listen to me clacking away, Hayley.

- I'm writing.
- [MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

I can't focus with this noise.
What's happening?

If anyone is wondering what's happening,

the Dean is having a pep rally

to announce a new football coach.

Whoo!

I mean, we gotta check that out.

Do we?

Welcome. I'm Dean Barkov.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, yeah.

That's a sick reaction.

I'd like to introduce
our new football coach.

Please welcome Burton Grundy.

Whoa. Burton Grundy?

The God-fearing family man

who treats his players with respect

and wins wherever he goes.

How do you know so much about...

[SIGHS] This better not be you.

Plus, check out this unique specific...

He never curses.

Just go.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'd like to thank you for
welcoming me to Groff.

Me and my Christian wife
have prayed for this day.

And I promise you I will stop
at jiminy glicking nothing

to win a championship.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I avoided Covid for three years.

And now I've caught writer's block

and football fever on the same day.

[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

Uhp, never mind. I have Covid.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Sure, I can take a break

from turning losers into champions.

Roger, I'm worried that coach Grundy

is just a distraction to keep
you from writing your book.

Coach Grundy is not a distraction,
Hayley.

Listen, inside everyone
there are two sides...

a coach and a professor.

Like an offense and a defense,
they share the field, and...

Honestly, I'm not sure
where this analogy goes.

I'm too distracted by these
super squeaky markers.

So professor Longbottom
is still gonna buckle down

- and write this thing?
- [MARKER SQUEAKING]

He needs to share his
unique voice with the world.

Ye-e-e-e-s.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I've got some young
boys to turn into men.

That sounds sexual,
but in this case, this...

this one particular case, it's not.

This field,

this field is where you'll
bleed with your brothers.

- Did you say "bleed"?
- I did.

Barry, you may have also heard
me say the word "brothers."

That's because football is a family.

I already have a family.

Parents aren't a family, Barry.

They're a distraction.

Close your eyes.

Imagine thousands, nay hundreds,
of fans chanting your name.

Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry! Bar-ry!

You in, or what?

Check it out, wheelie.

Hey, it's been two weeks since
your last writing session.

Yeah, football season has been

making it tough to find time.

Mainly because I'm going to

a ton of the practices and games.

Are you sure about this

"professor and a coach
inside all of us" theory?

Never heard that one.

But we're right by the coffee shop,

the one place in the world
where I'm able to write.

Wanna stop in, bang out some pages?

Sounds grrrrr... undy's Chophouse?

What happened to the coffee shop?

[BICYCLE BELL DINGS]

Any time I take a job in a new city,
I open a Grundy's.

It's a place for me to get plastered

away from the prying eyes
of my Christian wife.

Plus, it's a great way to bilk

a little extra money
off any local rubes.

Hayley!

I didn't know you grubbed at Grundy's.

I came here to help professor Longbottom

do some writing, but...

I told you not to take Roger seriously.

Professor Longbottom is
Roger's sensitive side,

and it's real.

He's just manifesting coach Grundy

to protect himself from failing.

I need to get rid of him.

Listen, I've followed
Grundy's entire career.

If Longbottom is the best of Roger,

Grundy is the absolute worst.

Ooh, baby,
I love how much you're not my wife.

[LAUGHS]

He goes through a cycle.

He comes to town,
gets into some scandal,

then he steps away from football
to "focus on family."

It usually takes a couple seasons.

Hmm, maybe I could speed up the process.

My actions have no consequences!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS GRUNTING]

- [BONE SNAPS]
- [SCREAMS]

Barry.

[CRYING]

You.

How would you like
to play Groff football

and have a family for life?

Please.

Help Barry.

What's your take on prostitutes?

One week following coach Grundy around,

and I've got enough dirt
to take him down for good.

Here, play this on the jumbotron.

Hey. I'm talkin' to you.

[GASPS]

[GASPS] He was a balloon.

Groff fans,
you probably know me as Hayley Smith,

recently published in Soul Puddles.

- [CROWD BOOING]
- Thank you.

But I'm not here to talk
about my accomplishments.

I'm here to show you
the real coach Grundy.

This'll teach you to stop fumbling.

- [ HAMMER CLANGS, MAN SCREAMS]
- [CROWD GASPS]

Oh, sh*t, sh*t.

That douchebag Dean Barkov
is eating at table four.

I'm gonna slap my schlong on
his New York strip real quick.

[ PANTS UNZIP]

- [ THUD]
- [CROWD GASPS]

Ecstasy for you.

Ecstasy for you.

Ecstasy for you.

Lithium for you, Teri,
you have problems.

An-n-n-n-d...
ecstasy and lithium for me.

Now, who wants sex
from a football coach?

[CROWD GASPS]

[SIGHS]

Groff fans, since this video came out,

my family and I have
been in constant prayer.

And we've decided that I am
going to step away from football

to focus on what's important... family.

But don't worry. I will be back...

for the third quarter.

Y'all have the Gatorade ready

'cause I'm winning
this jiminy glickin' game.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hayley, there you are.

I want you to know I'm
leaving the university.

It's like the whole school
is obsessed with football.

Including me.

I'll never finish my book.

But the only thing stopping you is you.

Like... Like, literally, you.

Roger, don't you see

that Grundy is just a
wall you're putting up

between you and your fear of rejection?

[AS RONALD REAGAN] Mr. Longbottom,

tear down this wall.

Terrible Reagan, Hayley.
Absolutely brutal.

But how am I supposed to finish my book?

You're a writer.

All you need is pen and paper.

- And Adderall?
- Of course, Adderall.

[CHUCKLES] You're not a magician.

[LEMAITRE'S "CLOSER" PLAYS]

♪♪

♪ I feel the shadows hanging over ♪

♪ They're waiting to come closer ♪

♪ To come and take me away ♪

♪ And I can feel my heart skip ♪

♪ Every time that I slip ♪

♪ I wanna run away ♪

I'd like to thank you all for joining me

to celebrate the release of my book.

After spending years writing it,

I feel fortunate to have gotten it

published immediately upon completion.

Luckily, I'm acquainted
with famed publisher,

Roger T. Publishing persona.

First reviews are in.

Is there a good way to interpret
the phrase "literary abortion?"

- It's just one review.
- This is your fault.

You made me expose myself
to the whole world.

Which is something I
ordinarily enjoy doing.

But not in this case.

Not in this one particular case.

[CRYING]

Roger, it's been weeks.

- Can I talk to Longbottom?
- You can't.

He's gone for good.

You think he'd show his face

after that embarrassment of a book?

It wasn't even that many pages.

Not like my book. It's half memoir,

half Chophouse recipe book,
and half football playbook.

This thing's heavy as [BLEEP]

Just try and catch it.

Hmm, nice hands.

But could you do it over the middle

with a linebacker bearing down on you,

ready to take your head off?

I bet you could.

I'm worried about Roger.

He hasn't been anybody

but that stupid football
coach for weeks.

He said he was going full Grundy.

No other personas.

Well, that's bad news.

He came into my room this morning

and said I had to wake up for two-a-days

and the only thing
I wanna do twice a day

is whack it, knahwadimeen?

- Noice.
- Ew.

I mean, ewwww.

This is my fault.

I convinced Roger to take a risk.

He got hurt, and now he'll never

let the good part of himself out again.

You're crazy.

He let the good part of
himself out all over this book.

Ooh. Old Faithful.

This is my all-time favorite play.

He has a play called Old Faithful?

Klaus, look at this.

The receiver runs out of
bounds and onto the next page.

A recipe for Wyoming-style potato skins.

Do you think Longbottom's
somewhere inside Roger,

leaving clues, wanting us to find him?

That's crazy, Hayley.

But, devil's advocate,

do you think this could be anything?

Professor Longbottom is at Old Faithful.

I'm not saying you're right,

but if you are, I better come with you.

ROGER: Chapter six.

We were down - to Lanceton,
and we were cooked.

Just like my famous
Grundy's Chophouse wings,

available in piles of , , or .

Return the bones for discounted drinks.

Please stop taking the bones home.

Roger, why is so much of Grundy's book

about chicken bones?

They're buying the meat, not the bones.

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

I, uh, need to run ahead because...

I-I have to pee?

Yes. Yes. Good enough.

Hayley, my prized pupil.

Roger, I came
to bring the professor home.

Why would you want to do that?

Professor Longbottom is
a passionate, inspiring soul.

Grundy is just trying
to hold you inside,

but you need to burst out, like...

Old Faithful.

[SLOW CLAP]

You led me right to him.

Wait, what's happening?

I led you to... you?

And now it's time
for the ol' ether-cut-to-black.

♪♪

[SCREAMS]

Oh, good, you're awake.

Roger, what's going on?

We're both gonna die
when this geyser erupts.

What? Why are you doing this?

It's not me, it's Grundy.

I'm Roger's vulnerable side.

As long as I exist,
being all weak and sh*t,

his feelings can get hurt.

This is stupid. Klaus was right.

You're a maniac. Untie me.

I can't. I'm just as tied up as you.

Grundy is at the cabin now.
He's gonna burn it down

along with all the many,
many unsold copies of my book.

I'll be erased forever.

You're at the cabin right now?

Hayley, you know what I mean.

It's over.

There's nothing we can do to stop him.

Okay, I should get going.

Don't leave me here alone.

You're not alone.
You're with the professor.

'Sup, dude?

"They called her Old Faithful.

"But me? I was young

and couldn't be faithful for a second."

Yikes.

As soon as I sign this contract,

the Bazooka Sharks will
officially be moving to Ottawa.

- [DOOR SLAMS OPEN]
- JEFF: Don't sign that paper.

Maybe you forgot,
but I've been writing a rap.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

♪♪

♪ Before you move the
'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ Jeff Fischer's got a few remarks ♪

♪ The Sharks belong in Langley ♪

♪ Where they got mad history ♪

♪ Like the time we lost by ♪

♪ An all-time Sharks memory ♪

♪ 'Zooka, 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪♪

_

♪ There's just one more reason ♪

♪ To keep the Sharks
in Langley land ♪

♪ The memory of that little
girl who d*ed in the stands ♪

♪ R.I.P. ♪

♪ Always and forever
our youngest fan ♪

PARKER DEAY: ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪♪

♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪

♪♪

- ♪ 'Zooka Sharks ♪
- ♪ Don't tarnish the legacy of Johnny Concussion ♪

♪ Shark's all-time leader in rushin' ♪

♪ Thirty yards ♪

♪ So move the Sharks
at your discretion ♪

♪ But if you do,
I'mma send you to heaven ♪

♪ Introduce your ass to God ♪

♪ Rest in peace, Lisa Jenkis ♪

Who cares about money?

The Sharks belong in Langley Falls.

You did it, Jeff.

You saved the Sharks.

By the way, whoever put me in
an adult diaper, thank you.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

- Don't worry, I'm gonna get you out of there.
- Great.

Starting with the professor.

What?

Aah! Aah!

- Roger.
- Ugh, fine. You're such a baby.

Aah!

What the hell changed your mind?

This book. I read it and loved it.

And I realized, if a piece of
art touches even one person,

it's worthwhile.

And it did touch one person.

Me.

- I touched myself, Hayley.
- Jiminy [BLEEP] Glick.

Hayley, wait. Just so you know,

I was the professor and
the coach the whole time.

Have a great night.