01x02 - Things Fall Apart FICTION ACH

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me. Could you

help me find a book?

- Ah.

- "Virginia's Bacchanal" by Elodie Goldblatt.

Yeah. That should be under

Adult Fiction in the Gs.

- I'm happy to walk you over.

- No. It's not there.

Oh. Well, that means it's misfiled,

and if that's the case,

it'll take some time to

Uh, check the tables

behind the Caribbean

and Black Studies section.

Oh. Thanks.

Mm.

- Um

- It's the hot new shame-read,

and there's a quiet table back there

where you can read without any judgment.

Right. Things work differently here.

Uh, excuse me!

Please don't run in the library!

My God. You're such a kid-hater.

I don't hate kids. I'd hate

them if they ran at any age.

Yeah.

Hmm. Having a bit of a morning?

Yeah, well, between a system

that I don't fully understand,

patrons I can't seem to connect with,

and an infrastructure I can

only describe as hostile,

yeah, I seem to be having

some trouble fitting in.

Mm. When I was new, I had

trouble adjusting, too.

- So, you know what I did?

- You requested a transfer to Midtown.

No. I found the thing

that made me fit in here.

Like, Jaq's thing is working

the library's socials,

and Bryce's thing is

enforcing the rules.

And mine thing is finding

new ways to build community.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good idea.

Um, I'll think on it.

Yeah.

My thing. What is my

Oh! Thing! Oh!

So, yeah. We should get

a branch hamster. Hmm?

- Huh.

- Yeah.

Huh?

Well, you are in a better

mood today there, Big Library.

What, did you overhear somebody

correctly conjugate the word "alumni"?

Well, that's actually to

decline, not conjugate, and no.

I just had a talk with Wendy, and now,

I think I know my thing.

You going to write sexy

fanfic about Heritage Minutes?

I'm going to help this

place run more smoothly

by making some much-needed fixes.

Huh. Not a bad idea. I can

think of two or three things.

Oh, well, why don't you add

them to the list of 27 things?

Okay.

What can I say? I love making lists.

Would you be okay with me

using the library's socials

to document this disas uh, project?

Oh, yes, of course. In fact,

it's the list I could do.

You should use the "at"

symbol for Midtown on this.

Yeah, I will. Who's Patt. Truth?

And why have they tagged

us eight times today?

Patton Jefferson tagged us.

Who's that?

You really He's a speaker

of uncomfortable truths,

a prober of hard questions.

A host of a bad podcast.

It's called Lamestream Bias,

and it's just misinformation

and ads for testosterone cereal.

- Cereal bars, young lady.

- Why is he tagging us?

It looks like he's been slagging

public institutions all week.

"The biggest waste of taxpayer

money lie-bar-aries."

Clever. And he's gone on

to tag every Toronto branch.

Sorry I'm late, everyone.

I got carried away designing a flyer

- for our exciting new project.

- Oh.

We're starting a human library.

What the bleep is a human library?

It's a community-building initiative

where people can volunteer to

be borrowed from the library.

- Borrow people?

- What I mean by "borrow"

is that you would have an

eye-opening conversation

with an interesting Parkdalian

about their exciting life story.

Could we maybe change the name?

To what?

I don't know. Uh Peopliothèque.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

- Bit of a mouthful.

- That's perfect.

- You're good, Howard.

- Peopliothèque.

- Howard.

- Sheila.

- Hi.

- What what are you doing here?

Why aren't you at the Settlement Desk?

Oh, I'm only there 10 hours

a week. The rest of the time,

I'm trying to get my law degree.

Law degree. My goodness.

Objection. Sustained. Overruled.

- Cool. You have a TV.

- Uh

My parents own this place,

and I cover the changeover,

because they're divorced.

Like, pending restraining

order divorced.

- My dad.

- So good to meet you.

- I'm Howard.

- You have a job?

- Yeah, at the library.

- Nice to meet

Sheila's handsome friend with a job.

Oh, seems like my dad

has a crush on you.

- Oh.

- What can I get for you?

I'll get it. You two catch

up, nah. What would you like?

Oh, I'll take a mostly-damp

matcha latte cappuccino

with oat milk, and I say

"mostly damp" because, of course,

I prefer it just a

centimetre more wet than dry.

So, what's with the cheery mood?

Well, I have identified

27 different inefficiencies

at the library, and today,

I am going to fix them all.

Wow.

Oh, can you wipe the steamer, please?

Ah.

Yeah. I got to work on my stuff,

too, at the Settlement Desk,

you know, make it more

accessible, touch up the sign.

You know, we get so

many new Canadians in.

They can't even seem to

find the desk. They spend

half their appointment

trying to find me.

Oh, really?

Um, thank you.

Um, and sorry for the trouble.

Mostly damp? What kind

of foolishness is that?

- I don't know, Dad.

- It wet.

And with that, incipiat Fix-It Day.

Okay. For this one,

use a catchy hashtag,

like "better Than ever."

Okay. Just when I thought

it couldn't get cheesier

than "to-do list duellist."

Oh, don't forget to

tag Midtown and Isla.

Right. Okay. Yeah. I'm

totally going to tag your ex

in a post that says

you're doing totally great.

You know what? You're right.

She'll see it from the Midtown account.

God. Oh.

This Patton Jefferson again.

Oh. What?

"Our city's library

system is a hashtag mess.

Shame our tax dollars

are getting wasted."

The only thing he hates more than us

is a properly placed

period! Zing! Alliteration.

You know what? I have a

witty retort of my own.

- No. Just don't feed the troll.

- No, no, no, no.

"Mr. Jefferson, why don't

you come down to our library?

I think you'll find that it's

hashtag better than ever."

- Send that.

- Okay.

And take a picture of me over here.

Okay. Okay. Yeah.

Okay, and

Got it.

Oh, hey, Jaq!

What do you think?

"Are you an interesting

person looking to connect?

Wendy wants to ch check you out.

Join me for some one on one."

Don't you think it's a little

Ooh. You're right. I hear it.

Mm-hmm.

"One on one

and a whole lot of fun."

Wink-y face.

- Now, it rhymes.

- Yeah.

Who's going to tell her?

No one.

We're going to let this play out.

Tastes like success.

And a touch of sulfur.

Bryce, I did it.

All 28 tasks completed.

Tonight, I'm treating myself

to a re-watch of Julie and Julia.

Can't you just eat a

block of cheese in the bath

- like everybody else?

- Look. I found my thing, all right?

And it's being myself. Turns out,

all this branch needed to run smoothly

was a little Howard after all.

I'm, like, kintsugi personified.

That's those strips

of beef on rice, right?

It's the Japanese art of mending

cracks in broken pottery using gold.

I'm the gold, and this

branch, well, it's the pottery.

Sounds like crackpot art to me.

- Ah. You see what I did there?

- Yes. Sadly.

There's a great little kintsugi place

'round the corner if you'd

like to go grab some

What happened?

It's an overnight water catastrophe.

- Whew. Fixed it.

- Thank goodness, Owen.

I really appreciate you

coming in on your day off.

I would have been here

sooner if I wasn't mid-game.

I'll be back on stream in 30, Enrique99.

Puppies in a purse. How did this happen?

Some jerk turned on the

valve to the water fountain.

I turned on the valve, but

I didn't know about the leak.

Dude, I will snipe you

when you're not looking.

- Whoa.

- Not you, Howard.

Freakachu is low-key grief-ing me.

Thank you so much for taking initiative.

I so appreciate it, but,

um, here's the thing.

Now that this area is

wet, after-school tutoring

is going to need to move

near the comic books,

which means that the

tutees will be distracted,

which means noise, which means

I wasn't thinking.

I'm sick to my stomach.

Uh, next time, I'll make

sure to run this by you.

Yeah. Great.

Excuse me. Hi.

- I'm looking for Wendy.

- You must be here

for the Peopliothèque. Come with me.

All right.

I am so excited to get this started.

Oh, me, too. I, uh, I

heard you're looking to find

that, uh

- special someone.

- So, tell me about yourself.

Why should I take you out?

Oh, wow. Right to it. Okay.

Well, I run my dad's grocery store.

I drive a second-hand Lexus,

and I own not one

- but two parakeets.

- Uh

My friends suggested that

I put myself out there more,

so here I am.

Otherwise, I'd just be at

home alone, eating soup.

Soup?

I'm the Fantastic Kevin.

Nice to meet you, Kevin.

The Fantastic Kevin.

Oh, sorry. Fantastic Kevin.

The Fantastic Kevin.

Tomato, beef and barley,

Italian wedding

One time, I met Lionel Ritchie

's Quebecois impersonator.

Instead of singing "Hello",

he sang "Allô".

Egg drop. Oh.

Chicken.

Chicken noodle if I'm

feeling adventurous.

I'm telling you, Gatineau is a scene.

I got sick the first day

and spent the entire time on fluids.

It was Ugh.

Mmm.

The best trip of my life.

Printer's jammed.

Again?

- Howard! Printer!

- Shh.

You know, I know a guy

who could fix that, cheap.

He'll even do it for Bitcoin.

Oh, no. We've got it covered. Thanks.

But come see me later

about this Bitcoin guy.

Do you even know what Bitcoin is?

- No.

- Guys, I found the jam.

That is the third jam today.

Why do so many people

have access to the printer?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh. I

installed the plugin

on all the computers yesterday.

You can only print from

one terminal, Howard.

Otherwise, the printer gets overwhelmed.

Now, we are at the mercy of our patrons.

Yeah. Speaking of, does

anyone get a weird vibe

from them today?

They look like a barbecue of dads.

- They're Patt-ree-ots.

- Oh.

I'm sorry. Pat-tree-ots? What, have you

only ever read that word before?

Pattriots is what we followers of

Patton Jefferson call ourselves.

Ooh, and there's the merch. They

got the hats and the t-shirts,

and, oh, they got bottle openers now!

What are they doing at our branch?

Oh! Oh.

Yesterday, I may have inadvertently,

accidentally invited him

What's up, Pattriots?

Wow. So glad to see so many of you here

for my visit to the Jameson Library.

Today, we find out whether it

really is "better than ever"

or a complete waste of taxpayers' money!

Ask the tough questions, Patton!

Go back to your own country, Patton!

Right! So, smile for the livestream.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, what have I done?

I was born in Parkdale.

Raised right around the corner.

And, um, you started working

at a bank or something?

Actually, I moved to

Denmark in my early 20s.

- Oh, you did?

- Yeah. I just wanted adventure,

which explains how I

ended up in Antarctica.

Oh, it's always been

my dream to go there.

Yeah, but by then, I was

just checking off continents.

The first six were easy,

because I was on tour.

Oh. What band did you tour with?

I wish.

I was in Cirque Bicyclette.

The French-Canadian

circus extravaganza?

But but now, I

just run a small bakery

that Guillermo Del Toro

visits whenever he's in town.

Oh, my Brian, you're

practically perfect!

You're the exact person I've

been looking for all along.

- Now let me ask you a question.

- Mm.

How much do you know about BDSM?

- Excuse me.

- Mm.

I left some books on the

front shelf a couple days ago,

- and now, I can't find them.

- Oh. I'm sorry.

I must have put them away.

I thought they were misfiled.

Howard! Printer's jammed again!

Um Oh!

Why don't you take "Michel and Angelo"?

It's a Belgian comic

about twin boy detectives

who have adventures all over

the world. You'll love it.

Is that by the artist who draws

people of different cultures r*cist-ly?

What?

Uh, excuse me.

You know, that was really

just meant for the kids.

That was really not meant for you.

Um, okay. So

What fresh hell is this?

I think those kids you

told to stop running around

needed to run around,

and I think their mom

would appreciate them

running around, too.

My mom's getting impatient,

and I still haven't found my book!

Howard, there's this

rowdy stranger locking me

out of my office. He's

huge and intimidating!

So, can you get rid of him, please?

Did you flatten out the carpet?

- Yes, I did.

- Bob uses that to orient himself.

- Well, of course.

- Ja-me-suck!

- Hey, hey, are you okay?

- Ja-me-suck!

- Ja-me-suck!

- Uh

Ja-me-suck! Ja-me-suck!

What the labradoodle

is going on out here?

I can't believe my eyes.

I'm sorry. Who are you?

I am someone who cares about this city.

- Yeah!

- You know, I came

to this lib-rary

willing to give it

the benefit of the doubt,

but it's not only poorly-run.

It is a den of subversive

leftist activity

and sexual depravity!

Patton! Patton! Patton! Patton!

If you need the library to

read, to print off résumés,

or to use the washroom, you can stay.

But if you are here to vent

your misplaced frustrations,

you can get the heck out!

Language.

All right, Pattriots. Let's

take it to the streets.

Where can I get one of these?

I thought I could help

that place succeed,

but I don't know. Maybe

Jameson is beyond saving.

Yeah. I'm telling you, dude.

That place is one stabbing

away from being Winnipeg.

Come work with me at the

museum, where it's safer.

Yeah. Actually, are you running

that exhibit on the Punic Wars still?

Carthago stupenda est?

You're a riot.

Um, you know what? Um,

I'll think about it,

- and I'll get back to you.

- All right. See you.

- Hi, Howard.

- Hello.

Did you ever watch The Muppet Show?

- Yes?

- Every episode,

they line up a bunch of acts,

all of which go horribly wrong.

Fozzie tells terrible jokes.

Gonzo fails at a stunt,

and Kermit runs around

like his head is cut off.

But at the end of the day,

that's just what the show is.

But it'd be so much

better if they rehearsed.

The Muppet Show succeeds

because it is a beautiful mess.

Jameson is our Muppet Show.

And I guess by changing things,

I've disrupted the ecosystem.

We've had to turn our

lacks and our losses

into wins, and it's created

a really special dynamic

that is unique to this branch.

I'm used to a certain

standard of quality at Midtown.

Well, that's the problem, Howard.

You were thinking of Midtown.

And you were thinking of Isla.

Yeah, maybe a little.

It's tough to be at a new place

when you're still missing your old one.

But you can't change

Jameson to serve you.

You have to serve Jameson.

So maybe next time, don't

try to fix 27 things.

Uh, 28 things.

Maybe curate a shelf

or or greet everyone

with a smile, you know?

Help the show succeed.

You know what? Yes. I'm going to try

to embrace its idiosyncrasies.

Like that Muppet that throws the fish.

Sorry you had the wrong

idea about Peopliothèque.

You have to go. The chocolates can stay.

Jaq, why are you denying

candidates access to my program?

I think they're more interested

in having access to you.

- What are you saying?

- Wendy, they're not here for the Peopliothèque.

They're here because they

think you're looking for a date.

Why would they think that?

Read the poster.

"Come to Jameson for a good time."

Sounds fine.

"Wendy wants to check you out."

Huh.

"Let's stimulate each other."

Oh, no.

I wrote a horny personal ad.

Yeah. I tried to tell you yesterday,

but then it became funny.

Ah.

Hey.

Are you here for a human library,

or are you here to date me?

To date you.

Uh, Brian, I think you're great, but

Oh, oh, oh, no.

I'm here for the Peopliothèque.

I was part of the original

Human Library back in Denmark.

Oh. You're so cool.

Well, um, I'm so sorry to

disappoint the rest of you,

but, uh, I'm not looking for love.

Oh.

That's okay.

Why don't we all go out for a drink

and kind of see where this thing goes?

I'll message you about the

details for the program.

- Okay.

- Okay.

All right. Terrific.

Oh, well, sorry this backfired.

I can help reword the poster.

Maybe you get some actual volunteers.

All I want is for people

to hook up with strangers.

I'll write the poster.

I hear it now. Ugh.

Uh, sir, I'm going to have to

ask you to exit the library.

Debate me.

The library is closed.

I think I win.

I'm sorry. We're closed.

Oh. Um, don't worry.

I'm going to fix that.

- You moved this here?

- Yes, but don't worry.

I'm going to move it back.

- No, no, don't. It's perfect.

- It is?

It's visible from the lobby,

so people know to come here,

and the signage is very clear,

if not a little ambitious.

Jaq even said that there were new people

looking for resources.

Howard, this is so thoughtful.

Thank you.

I did good.

You did good.

Well, you know, it's a

pleasure to serve the library.

Well, we're lucky to have you.

I got to run, but I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah. See you.

Ooh! Ah, yes.

The beautiful mess.

Whew!

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, someone's in a good mood.

What, did they post a new

episode of that Lamestream Bias?

Yup, and Patton Jefferson's

thinking of running for mayor.

Oh. You know, that

checks out for society.

On a positive note, you know,

I think I found my thing.

Yeah? Is it a thing for Sheila?

No. Absolutely not. No.

Well, maybe.

You know, as a friend,

if that's what you meant.

That is what you meant, right?

'Cause that's how I took it

that you meant it. Is that

I think you'd make a nice couple.

Hmm.

It's too bad she's married.

She is?

You happy now?