01x03 - Drag: The Complete Story NONFIC DOO

[bunniefuu]

Patton Jefferson liked my post.

I don't care.

Which one, you ask?

"Hey, Toronto, let's fix the highways

with fake meat and feminism."

- Sounds like a mad lib.

- You sound like a mad lib.

Oh, that's a good one. Hi. Paige Phlip?

- Hey.

- Hi. I'm Jaq.

Um, Wendy's expecting

you. Just one second.

Wendy?

Yeah. How you doing? Paige Phlip?

That's an interesting name.

What is that, European or something?

No. It's a house name.

All my siblings are part

of the Phlip dynasty.

Aerial Phlip. Twist Phlip. Table Phlip.

What, what? You're a

Paige Phlip?

- Wendy Yarmouth.

- You look fantastic.

Here. Let me show you

the setup for story time.

Great.

Thank you so much for coming, Paige.

That's a drag queen, yeah?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. What was your first clue?

She's here to read for story time.

Sally has hand-foot-mouth disease.

- That's our story time reader?

- Mm-hmm.

Fudge bags. Oh, this is

going to be a whole thing.

Excuse me.

Uh, you're not excused.

Oh. Did you need something else?

Mm-hmm. Um

Uh, okay. Now, you're excused.

- Oh, Bryce?

- Yeah?

- Now, you're excused.

- Argh!

Oh.

Flower delivery here?

Strange.

Ah, thanks.

They're for Alvin Canada.

Gross.

Yeah. From a client of his, I guess.

"Roses are red. Money is green.

Thanks for your advice

and time to convene."

What it should say is,

"Roses are red. Money is

green. You're a loser."

You know what? I might

write that one down.

No, no, no. That's a felony.

I'm going to have a word with him.

Mm-hmm. Uh, wait. Can

you give these to him?

I think he's getting audited.

Yeah.

- Oh.

- Oh, no. I

That's so sweet.

Oh.

Oh.

- Correct.

- Oh, yeah. That's a good one.

Why is the man dressed like a woman?

Shh.

She's confusing the kids.

- Do you like this one?

- Oh, I do like this one.

And now, we are losing patrons. Great.

Are you going to read that?

What? No. Here.

Wait.

- You look conservative.

- Thank you.

Did you know there's a drag

queen here to read to children?

Show me.

- Great, great, great.

- This one's a fabulous one.

This one is about

- Subhan Allah.

- Yeah. Exactly.

You calling your boys

down at the mosque?

Razia, there's a drag

queen at the library.

Story time.

No. For the children.

Yes. Kids. Okay. Be quick.

She's on her way.

- Tell me something.

- Mm-hmm?

Why is it only for the children?

You can direct all your complaints

to Wendy, our branch manager. She

- Wait. Did you say "only"?

- My wife loves "Drag Race."

We don't have any kids,

but is it all right

if we sit in the back?

Will the queen take a selfie with us?

Oh, for

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sorry, folks.

If you're here for story

time, I hate to tell you

there's been a bit of an issue.

Our reader cancelled, and

our branch manager here

thought it'd be a good idea to have a

- Paige Phlip!

- Don't point, honey. It's rude.

You're here to see the drag

queen with your children?

Oh, yes, we are. My kids love her.

We saw her post and rushed right down.

Come on, kiddos. Let's get a good seat.

- Thanks for your help.

- I didn't help you.

- Come on.

- Come on down, kiddos.

- Get in there. Aw.

- Great.

- Welcome.

- This one's for you.

Psst.

Oh. I'm sorry. Can you

hold this for one second?

- Okay. Yep.

- I just have to

I'll talk to you later.

I just want to have a quick

word, if you don't mind.

Just this way, okay?

Do you think this is appropriate

for such young children?

Young? There are a few little ones,

but this is the biggest

crowd we've had yet.

Kids should not be

exposed to adult issues.

Adult issues?

Sexuality is not a topic that should

be explored at story time, Wendy.

Sexuality? Paige is using the

same approved book list as Sally.

The book? Ha!

Kids are going to have questions

about him, not the book.

I got to say, Bryce, I was

really hoping that you would

not be as closed-minded

as you're being right now.

Okay. Look. Paige can

do whatever she/her does

at the nightclubs and the

discotheques or whatever.

But the library is a safe space. Okay?

And how is it closed-minded

to want to protect children?

Protect them from what?

How is a parent supposed to explain

a drag queen to their kids?

It's pretty simple. Dad

just explained to me.

A drag queen is a man, but

doesn't have to be a man,

who dresses up fancy for a performance,

and it's part of being their true self.

Bryce, really?

Well, you tried.

Oh, no. No. This is not over.

It's a sit-in.

Of pretty flowers

This is a sit-in!

Keep story time safe for children.

Keep story time safe for children!

Hashtag, make story time great again.

- Do not post that, Jaq.

- Post it.

Ahmed, my dude, it's already posted.

Don't post that, Jaq. Jaq? Jaq?

Why are you coming from that way?

Well, you know, it's the

most efficient way to go

if you want to take the long way around

to avoid seeing Sheila again.

What did you do?

I had to go past the

suit of happiness room,

through a back alley, down

the freight elevator

No, dummy. Why?

I think she thought that

Alvin's flowers were from me to her.

And when she kind of reached for them,

I sort of yanked them away.

Ugh.

And she played it off like

she didn't reach for them.

- I ran.

- Cringe.

I know.

But then, I don't know.

Maybe that means that

she kind of, I don't know,

wants flowers from me?

But what does a married woman

want with flowers from me?

Well, who told you she was married?

- Bryce?

- Bryce.

- So, she's not married?

- Well, technically, she is.

But you know, she's separated

and finalizing her divorce.

So long as we're on this line of

questioning, you know, is she dating?

I mean, you know, who's all

dating? Is Wendy? Are you?

I want to know about all my

co-workers, not just Sheila.

Okay. Oh, my God. Dude, sh**t your sh*t.

Oh.

Go.

And when I turn the page,

you say, "Paige Phlip."

- Paige Phlip!

- Yes, Kareem.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Shh. What is the problem now?

Patton Jefferson reposted

that story time photo

that Jaq took of me.

- Don't you love that guy?

- With all my heart.

- Then it's a good thing.

- No. He wrote,

"Look at these immoral liberals

wasting our tax dollars.

And this clown's just sitting

there letting it happen."

I'm not the clown. That's the clown!

Excuse me?

Bryce, I think you should

go on your break now.

Go on your break!

Go on.

He's lucky that wasn't Kick Phlip.

"Jameson Library is

committed to creating

a diverse and safe

environment for its employees

and our patrons regardless

of age, colour, race,

gender identity or expression "

" sexual orientation "

" national origin,

genetics "

" religion, disability, citizenship

or immigration status."

Quick question.

How many lunches have to be

ruined by sensitivity training

because Bryce said something stupid?

He's not even taking this seriously.

You know, he offended

one of our patrons.

How is she, or is it he?

"It"?

Oh, no. I didn't mean to say that.

- I'm so sorry.

- Paige is "she/her."

Roger-roger. Thank you. Shutting up.

Regardless of pronouns,

if you see something that you

believe violates this statement,

you can report the incident to me

or our assistant branch manager.

Actually, best to report it to me.

I like Paige. She's more provocative.

What exactly is provocative about her?

Oh, no. Did I do it

again? Owen, I'm so sorry.

Why me?

- Your moms.

- They're not drag queens.

I haven't eaten.

Don't. Don't.

Is this chip carbonated?

Look. I thought Paige

did a fantastic job,

but we shouldn't sideline Sally

just 'cause she's not a drag queen.

- Right on, Howie.

- I'm not on your side.

Don't you find Sally

a little bit vanilla?

Are we allowed to say "vanilla"?

Yes, but white ladies

cannot say "chocolate."

Bryce?

Went down the wrong hole.

My acai smoothie!

I'm okay. I'm okay.

Oh. Just a second.

If we have to do another

sensitivity seminar,

we're going to need a

workplace v*olence meeting.

Yes. I wholeheartedly agree.

Could I get your opinion on something?

How would you go about wooing someone?

Oh, damn it. Are we still

on this conversation?

- Help me out?

- Mm-mmm.

Okay. Well, I could do it myself.

I could find Sheila's number.

Just get her handle and

like a few of her posts

and slide into her DMs

like a normal person would.

And now, don't talk

to me for 10 minutes.

- See? Handles. There's a

- 10 minutes.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Time to go home. Got

work to do around here.

- Bryce, Bryce?

- Real work. Yeah? What?

I am really disappointed that

you didn't take the meeting seriously.

Who did? Thing was a mess.

Tanya left that meeting

more confused than when

it started, all right?

If Tanya can't understand,

how do you expect kids to?

Kids don't understand a lot of things.

But both Tanya and kids

are open to learning,

which is more than I can

say about you right now.

You make me come to these meetings

to understand your point of view,

but you never have

meetings to listen to mine.

How is that inclusive?

Your point of view

is literally excluding

a vital member of our community.

Hmm. It's a slippery slope,

and not the waterpark kind

but equally as dangerous.

If you have a drag queen

reading to kids, who's next?

Who's next?

Excuse me. I've about had enough.

Honey, you are a dinosaur.

And you better evolve

before you go extinct,

you dusty old pattosaur.

Patt-riot, actually, okay?

Before misinformation

meteors rain down on you

and relegate you to irrelevance,

evolve, boo-boo, before

they find your fossils

and the kids find out

that what could've been

a magnificent creature is actually just

an oversized chicken

with a pea-sized brain.

They're gonna put your bones

on display, you ignoramus Rex.

Dinosaur!

Do his clothes now. Do his clothes.

Wait a minute. I'll start.

This outfit is one Tiki

torch away from a hate crime.

Mm-hmm.

Look at that sad plaid and tacky khaki.

Where'd you get your

clothes from, huh? H&M?

Heterosexual and Mad about it?

- You ate that.

- Mmm!

What is happening?

I believe you got read to filth.

Yes, you did, honey.

Consider the library closed.

Closed.

- It's closed.

- If this is what story time is like,

we need to tell the boys at the mosque.

Hey, Sheila. Um, you need some help?

- No, I'm good.

- Oh.

Actually, sure. Thank you.

- So, did you see the

- How are you?

Uh, you first.

Sorry.

So, did you see the commotion

with Wendy and Bryce?

- Yeah. Paige is so cool.

- Yeah. She is.

I actually got a picture

with her for my socials.

Can I see that? Oh, give me your handle.

Oh. It's my full name

with "XO" at the end.

Uh-huh.

Wow. You know what? These

are really handsome

What?

Excuse me. I'm just

looking for the exercise

and sports science section?

No. I'm here to talk to my

Howard, this is Adonis.

Yes. I can see that.

Adonis is my ex-husband.

Current husband.

- Ex-husband.

- Current husband.

I said what I said. It's ex.

Okay. Whatever. It's

winter. Where's your jacket?

- I run hot.

- Sorry.

If could just excuse

us for one second

This way.

Adonis.

I feel horrible about today.

Oh, don't. Nothing can make

me hate this place. It's magic.

Oh, it is magic.

And Bryce? He should

not have been so rude.

Thanks for trying to talk to him.

We can't move forward

unless we talk to each other.

But still, I want to make it

up to Parkdale's drag community,

and I have an idea.

Girl! Lay it on me.

What are you doing here?

- I have tried calling you.

- You cannot come down here.

You're going to have to

learn to be more covert

with your eavesdropping.

I wasn't eavesdropping.

Everybody else is eavesdropping.

They're just better at it than you.

See Tanya, putting

books back on the shelf?

It's the same book.

Puts it on the shelf, then

takes it right back off.

That's why she's always shelving.

Uh-huh. That lady checking her makeup?

Her mirror is pointed directly

at Sheila and that Adonis.

And look. That kid's

been tying their shoelace

for the past 10 minutes.

And they're Velcro.

Yeah. Now, use this.

Pretend to clean so you

don't look like a creep.

Yeah. Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Good eye.

- Custody.

- What do you mean?

- What do you mean, what do I mean?

- What do you mean, cat custody?

Do you even want Gregory,

or are you trying to

make this difficult?

My condo has floor-to-ceiling windows

that create a giant

sunbeam. He loves it.

He loves me.

- Well?

- Well?

I guess the lawyers will be involved.

- I guess they will be.

- Mmm.

- You want Rob?

- Mm-hmm.

No problem.

- Okay, great.

- Great.

Ugh. Not this again.

Bryce, come and get your makeup done.

- Pass.

- Try it.

You might like it.

This isn't Peter Pan, Wendy.

You can't make people just

clap their hands and believe.

This is weird.

Instead of laughing at

me in this filth library,

I figured you'd respect my opinion,

because I've had your back for 10 years.

I love it, but every section of

this library seems to be drama.

Hmm.

Can I help you find a book?

I'm fine.

You sure?

It's my favourite section.

I'm pretty familiar

with all these authors.

- Do you know me?

- Uh, no. I'm sorry.

I'm Bryce, assistant branch manager.

I'm Antwan. I'm looking for "Apoca-Tips:

Your Source for Surviving

the End of the World."

Uh-huh.

Great choice, Antwan.

It is nice to meet another prepper.

Ah. I'm just getting into prepping.

I figured if the world's going to end,

might as well have snacks.

That's so true.

So true. First step of prepping?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

- Hmm? What?

- Be prepared.

That's sort of a trick

question, but you know

No. I got you. I got you.

I've got two weeks' supply

of food and water.

- Good. You got your bug-out bag yet?

- Oh, no. Not yet.

I was going to use

the list in this book.

Ooh. Actually, you know what?

2012, that list was torn out of here

by a previous prepper.

Hmm.

Or so they want us to believe.

- Okay.

- Okay?

You got to be careful sometimes.

All right. Here you go.

This one will help you out.

"Surviving Your Family in a Bunker."

Oh, God.

I could not survive in

a bunker with my parents.

We'd be at each other like

you and your co-worker earlier.

Yeah. Um, I'm sorry you had to see that.

You know, honestly,

Wendy wouldn't be bad in a bunker.

She's not normally like that.

That's good to hear.

And I don't know all your business,

but I do know that keeping

friends and chosen family close

is the only way I stay

sane in this crazy world.

Tell me about it.

It's hard to find someone

who sees you for who you are,

flaws and all, and still accepts you.

Keep those people close.

- Thanks for this.

- Yeah.

Whoa. Where you going with those?

I bought them for Sheila.

Uh, you're going to make

things way more awkward,

if that's even possible.

No. These will undo the awkward.

- How?

- This bouquet says,

"Look. I see that you're glum.

I hope you have a better day, buddy."

Oh. "Buddy"? I don't know.

When I said "sh**t your sh*t,"

I didn't mean in your foot.

- Too late. I'm going.

- Oh.

I got to go.

For me?

Yeah, buddy.

Buddy?

I'm sorry. If you

could just excuse me

Oh. Ugh.

Congrats. Way more awkward, buddy.

I was hoping we could talk

without the whole library chiming in.

Yeah, sure. Take a seat.

We've been through too much

to let something so

trivial get between us.

That's the thing.

What you see as trivial

is actually a way of life

and a livelihood for drag queens.

I can't tolerate the way

you treated our guest.

I'm not alone here.

I mean, I may be alone here,

but there are others

who think like me, Wendy.

Oh? Who?

Your patt-riot friends?

Well, they're not my

friends, but like them,

I don't think we should

flaunt drag queens

in front of children.

Flaunt? Bryce, what is

the difference between

Paige wearing a sparkly dress

and Sally wearing her

polka-dot overalls?

You just have to be careful

who you expose kids to.

Like an ex-con?

It says here you have

experience managing a library,

but it doesn't say

which branch. Midtown?

No. Not Midtown.

- Somewhere in Mississauga?

- No.

Which branch did you work at?

It wasn't a branch per se.

Well, I would love to know where you

It was at the penitentiary.

I love books and libraries.

I was damn good at my job in the pen.

I just need a safe

space to prove myself,

and no one's willing to give that to me.

You were looking for a safe space,

and I offered that to you.

And now, you're trying

to take that same freedom

from someone else who needs it.

So, in conclusion, I'm a jackass?

Language. But not, you're not a donkey.

Not all the time.

I always saw something more in you.

And look at how you flourished

when you had a place to belong.

You're the assistant

head of this branch.

You cannot exclude

members of the community

based on your own biases.

I get it.

I mean, I get it, but

I get it.

And Paige is a wonderful,

intelligent, talented person

with interesting passions.

Besides, it looked like you

were already getting along.

What do you mean?

When she filth-read me?

No. You were talking

to her in the stacks.

Well, not to Paige, but to Antwan.

That's Paige when she's not in drag.

No, 'cause he was manly and strapping.

- Mm-hmm.

- But, like, how?

It's okay, Bryce. You'll get there.

Yeah.

Oh. What?

I know, right? Aren't they beautiful?

Did you see that?

She hates the flowers, so she hates me.

I moved too fast.

She's going to block me.

Should I block myself?

Should I start a new account?

Howard, what were you thinking?

Um, whoever told you to

sh**t your sh*t, though,

that was bad advice.

No, no, no. That was you. That

was you. Jaq, that was you.

Whatever.

- Ah, it burns.

- Oh, suck it up, tough guy.

Just joking. It's a good burn.

- What is this stuff?

- Moisturizer.

What does it do?

It moisturizes.

That explains this crusty-ass skin.

Now, this has Vitamin D and C.

Good for when you're not

going to see the sun for weeks.

Oh. Well, they should

sell this at prep-cons.

Ah. It smells nice, actually.

Oh, that's the citrus, baby.

Ah.

I'm going to miss fruit most

of all when I'm bunkered up.

There's always canned fruit.

I've got peaches and mandarin oranges.

You hang on to that stuff.

That's going to be currency

when the nuclear w*r begins.

Oh, my money's on climate change.

That's going to force us

underground before that.

We're all going to die.

All right. Now, stand

still. This is very dry skin.

- Hey, Big Library.

- Hmm?

- Did you see Sheila's post?

- No. Why?

Check it out.

"Got these from a co-worker.

Too bad I'm severely allergic

and had to go home, but

I really needed it today.

Hashtag, allergies. Hashtag, achoo."

Yeah. Allergies.

Don't get too ahead of

yourself there, Team Jacob.

- She called you a co-worker.

- You know what? I'm going to need you

- to not say anything for 10 minutes.

- Oh!

You happy now?