01x05 - The Hunger Games FICTION COL

[bunniefuu]

♪

(DRUMMING) Ta-da!

- JAQ: Oh.

- BRYCE: Tasty treats!

Are these your famous

three-ingredient scones?

Yes, they are.

Ooh, you can call me George

Thorogood & the Destroyers

'cause I'm bad to the scone.

(LAUGHING) Get in there.

Yeah, I learned how to

make these in prison.

Um, where'd you get the butter?

You find it.

(GULPING)

WENDY: (GRUNTING) Little help here?

Oh, Wendy.

Oh, Wendy! Let me give you a

- Ooh, yeah.

- Oh.

- Thank you, Howard.

- I was also gonna

(SIGHING) Sorry I'm late.

Got myself into a bit of a situation.

Mm-hm?

You know, my friend,

Dottie, in circulation,

she's trying to save some

books from extinction

I'm sorry, "extinction?"

Is that the word?

No. It's, uh Uncircu-fying?

Deading. Deading a book.

Either way, I offered to help.

So, she sent me 10 of each book,

and anything we can do to help,

she would really greatly appreciate.

So, what have we got here?

How to b*at Any Nintendo 64 Game.

That's handy.

Uh, and, Mansplaining

Well, that's, um

That's there. And An Uncivil w*r,

The Five Moments the South

Could Have Turned the Tide.

Hopefully that's not the

Civil w*r we think it is.

No. It, uh, it definitely is.

I don't know, guys, maybe these

books should be Darwin-ized.

Look, we shouldn't be

forced to circulate any book.

As Granny Delora once said,

"When something's old and nearly dead,

bury it before the stench kills us all."

Why does Dottie want

us to save these books?

She didn't say and I didn't

ask. Look, I need a solid.

Dottie only has eight

fingers and it's my fault.

You know what? I'll

help. I'm sorry, what?

Oh, Howard! Thank you.

Thank you so much. My hero!

Yeah, I mean, it's my pleasure.

You know, at Midtown

we always created demand

by doing a book push.

Oh, I love this!

Use anyone and anything you need.

Seriously? Well, I'd

k*ll for a subcommittee.

- Done. Jaq, Bryce.

- A subcommittee?

Help Howard out.

For Dottie!

(ALL HALF-HEARTEDLY): For Dottie.

And for her three-legged dog, Ringo.

(ALL HALF-HEARTEDLY): And for

her three-legged dog, Ringo.

♪

Subcommittee! Our post-meeting

meeting begins, wait for it

Now! Roll call. Jaq?

There are three of us. We're here.

Present. Bryce?

Delightfully present.

All right, very good. We have a quorum.

So, at Midtown we used

a friendly competition to

help push books that we

wanted off our shelves.

One flaw. Competition is a fundamental

element of capitalism

and I'm a socialist.

- (GROANING)

- Remember, this isn't for me.

- This is for Wendy.

- JAQ: Is it though?

I sort of feel like Dottie's

the only one winning here.

Lucky Dottie and her eight fingers.

WENDY: I'm just trying to help.

UNHOUSED WENDY: I don't

care! I don't care!

WENDY: You're being so unreasonable!

I'm leaving! I don't feel safe here!

What?!

You're the one with a purse

full of sharpened toothbrushes!

And I will not hesitate to use one.

(ALL GASPING)

Okay, I went too far.

(ALL GASPING)

Wendy!

Have those two ever

argued like that before?

- Never.

- I'm going to check on her.

Oh, no, no. Just give

her a minute to cool down.

You know what would

make her feel better?

Hm?

Is if the two of you push books with me.

Okay. Fine, but I'm not

saying "book push." Ew.

Ah, you just did.

(LOUD THUDDING)

(BEEPING)

It couldn't be simpler.

See, there's three

books and three of us.

Why don't we each take a

book and try to move it?

And whoever gets rid of their

book first, wins something.

Like what?

Well, I'm meeting Dane for lunch today.

Maybe I could get him to give

us a couple of museum tickets.

Oh, I thought it was going to

be something we wanted to do.

you know what? I'm not

having this argument again.

The Acropolis On-top-olis

exhibit was pure fire.

Oh, it was fire,

Howard? It was pure fire?

Okay, look, I know

where this is going

No. No, no, no, no. As a fellow youth,

I totes agree, fam.

Museums aren't cringe,

they're lit, bitch.

(GROANING)

Are you quite finished?

Yes, bitch. Slay.

Slay.

How about extra paid days off?

WENDY: She's stubborn and mean.

Like a goat that missed breakfast.

Why was she so upset?

Exactly! What's her problem?

- No, no, no. I'm asking you

- (BELL DINGING)

Wendy, I need to use

the employee washroom.

Someone's in the big, nice

one with all the handle bars.

The accessible one?

Just use the one you're supposed to.

I need privacy when I

am doing private things.

And the stalls aren't private enough?

The gap by my feet is unnerving.

Go over to Coffee & Such, then.

The place with the one-ply?

You know, why don't you just

hand me sandpaper, Sheila?

No, before it's too late,

I'll have an accident in the stacks.

Yes, I'll do it.

It's not an accident if it's a thr*at.

Okay, go!

Thank you!

He is far too comfortable.

The individual with the

most books signed out

by 5:00pm today wins

all three personal days.

Pick a book, Jaq.

Ladies first after all.

Nope. Screw you. Bryce, you go.

Finally, a white man gets some love.

Okay, you know what? You ruined it.

All right. Uncivil w*r. What?!

Okay, and I got Mansplaining

Nintendo 64.

- I'll trade you?

- Please!

I wanted Mansplaining,

anyway. It's an important book.

And I'll tell you why, young lady

Absolutely not. No. Listen to me.

No tradesies and no

redraws, this is what it is.

Incipiant ludi.

Let the games begin.

(RATTLING)

(KNOCKING) Excuse me.

Hi. It's Wendy, the branch manager.

Is everything okay?

Wendy? If that you in there?

(RUSTLING)

This silent treatment is real mature.

(THUDDING)

And it is not fair that

you're acting this way

when you're the one who

should be apologizing!

Is the name of a great

podcast I just started.

Hey, Jaq. How you doing with your book?

Well, I haven't seen any

complete dill-holes yet,

so I still have 10.

Yeah. Me neither.

I probably won't have

to try too hard, though.

Okay, let's get you sorted.

(CHUCKLING)

You know what? You are going

to love this book, you know?

So important to read our

history so we don't repeat it.

Or write about it again. All

right, take care. All set.

I'm sorry, guys. That's

two down, eight to go.

- Easy peasy.

- Two down?! What the fu

Ew, gross. I'm not losing

to a guy who says "peasy."

- Seriously.

- Yeah.

Hi, you look like you

like explaining things.

- This is an excellent book.

- Hey, check this book.

- You are gonna love this.

- It's called Mansplaining.

You look like a nerd. Are you a nerd?

(CREAKING)

(CREAKING)

(GASPING)

The only way to topple the patriarchy

is by understanding it,

and the only way we can understand it is

by reading this book. Bam!

Are you reverse-mansplaining me?

I see what you did there,

but reverse oppression's not a thing.

Is this about how to stop

mansplaining or how to start?

Which is better?

Yeah, I'm gonna stick

with The Y Chromosome.

Oh, I just read that, it's amazing.

It's actually my staff

pick of the month.

And Mansplaining is next month?

No. Oh, no. It's not my pick.

Like, it's kinda I'm

just trying to, um

If you read it, it's a page turner.

Um, hi.

Welcome to Jameson.

We are showcasing some

titles around here.

Maybe this one catches your

eye. It's called Mansplaining.

- I guess

- Ah!

I've been looking for this!

Okay.

You have no idea how

important this book is.

(CHUCKLING) Okay, well, have a good day.

Going on break so I can throw up.

I saw that. Very impressive.

I love how you're connecting

with our community.

It's all Howard's fault. He's the worst.

Or the best.

Right this way to periodicals, good sir!

Oh, say. Are you into civil wars?

No, what I said.

Good news!

I got another book for you.

I really want these five books.

- Oh, take another one.

- You know I can't.

My parents have a very strict rule about

how many books I can take out at a time.

What's that over there?

(BEEPING)

Hey, you just scanned that book.

- No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. Take it off.

If my parents check my account,

they're going to ground me.

They won't check.

They check every time! Take it off!

I'll tell you what.

How about we don't scan

one of the other books so

it looks like you've only got

five in the system here?

And then what? I get

hooked on taking out six,

then seven, then nine?

Until Dad checks my book-bag

and I get busted with 10 hardcovers?

You know, it sounds like your

(SLAMMING)

Keep your gateway book.

Okay.

Thank you.

Unscanned. There you go.

Oops.

(GROANING)

Howard, question for you.

Yeah, anything. What do you need?

I just saw Jaq initiate a

conversation with a patron.

What's going on?

We're having a little contest,

and the winner gets paid

days off from the others.

Can you do that?

Yeah, Wendy's cool with it.

You know, she put me in

charge of the subcommittee.

Looks like someone's finally fitting in.

Hey, do you have lunch plans?

Do you want to get something to eat?

Yes! I mean, why not?

I mean, I like lunch.

Well, great. Coffee & Such?

We can walk over together.

Perfect.

You're definitely not peeing.

What gives?

Wendy, we have to talk eventually,

and I'd rather do it face to face.

You know I was just

looking out for you, right?

I actually care about your wellbeing.

Wendy?

All right, I'm getting the fob.

Oh, did you hear?

Two books left.

Seriously?! I still have six!

Seven.

No, that's it.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

She's pushing her book on our social!

That's the library's account, Jaq!

You gotta push all the books.

Well, then I guess you

should log in and make a post.

By the time I figure out how to do that,

all your books'll be gone!

Then I guess you should've

listened when I young-splained

social media to you.

Fine. Time to bring

out the heavy a*tillery.

Here today, scone tomorrow.

- Hm.

- Hah!

Okay, finally. Guess what?

I am about to go to lunch

in a minute with Sheila.

I know! She asked me.

Can you believe it?

That's huge. Are you nervous?

A little. What do you think?

Tuck or untuck?

You're a badass mother-tucker, Howie.

Okay, I know you meant

that sarcastically,

but I'm taking it as a compliment.

That means that you'll

be gone for a while.

- Perfect.

- Jaqueline, do not make me laugh.

I will be back soon enough

to wrap up this competition

in a neat little bow.

Yeah, probably.

I don't think my post about

mansplaining will get much

traction on a the Internet.

Oh, Howard. Howard's thinking,

"Sheila, day off, Sheila, day off."

Oh, a potential soul mate or

or a day to get paid to

delve into new exhibits.

Ugh! E pluribus unum, what to do!"

Now you're thinking,

"She's misusing Latin!

Do I correct her or go on my date?

Is this even a date?"

(GRUNTING MOCKINGLY)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

BRYCE: Okay. (CHUCKLING)

All right.

JAQ: Right over here, gentlemen.

Okay. One for you, and one for you,

and one for you, and

one for your friend?

Eh? You got a friend

who wants this? Yeah?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Come on.

You guys don't want that book.

It's marked. There's a lady lib group

that tracks any man that checks it out,

and if they catch you

(CLICKING, POPPING)

Okay, don't listen to him,

and I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

He learned how to make those in prison.

They're three-ingredient scones.

One of the ingredients is butter.

They are They are delicious!

This is discrimination, Jaq!

Get your books here!

How to b*at Any Nintendo 64 Game!

Like, all of them!

- MAN: Hey, dawg! Dawg!

- Yeah? Yeah?

Cut it with all that noise,

fam! This a library, dawg.

Sorry, sorry.

MAN: And why them scones so dry?!

They too dry even for scones, fam!

Okay, I-I am sorry, but,

um, now it seems like

you're being the loud one.

MAN: Touche.

HOWARD: Thanks for lunch.

It's nothing.

Thanks for saying yes.

Hey, you two want some carrot muffins?

Mom.

It's okay. My mom's a food pusher too.

We're fine, thank you.

Oh, she don't care about feeding us.

Why you pushing muffins, Old Lady?

(SUCKING TEETH)

Your fool of a father

bought an extra dozen.

They gon' expire. Take them, no?

Mom, we're good. Leave us now.

I'll bring six.

You can take them back to the library.

Hey, how come I never see

your mom and dad here together?

I mean, I know they're divorced,

but it can't be that bad.

Oh, it's bad. Like,

stabbed-in-the-leg bad.

So, did she s*ab him or did he s*ab her?

Mm. Yes.

Oh, God.

Well, then I'm glad that I dodged

the whole marriage b*llet.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't

mean to be insensitive.

I know that things are kind

of rough with you and your ex.

It's okay. The divorce

is almost official now.

- Really?

- DANE: Really?

Dane! I mean, Dane, this is Sheila.

Sheila, this is Dane.

Would you excuse me for one second?

Yeah.

Dude, I am so sorry. I totally forgot,

but Sheila asked me to lunch.

I took two streetcars here, dude. Two.

You poor thing. I'm so sorry.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

But it's good to see you as usual!

You know what? Try a muffin, carrot.

Does he want to join us?

Uh, no. He's got one too

many streetcars to ride.

No, no, no, no, no. You

can't send these out yourself.

That doesn't count, right?

Oh, I know.

These are perfect for your LAN party.

LAN party?

You're not the only one who knows

how to use the Internet, Jaq.

Ever hear of Reddit?

Have you?

Have a great day.

- No, don't

- One book left.

- No. No, no.

- (IMITATING expl*si*n)

The key fob is in here

somewhere, I know it.

(GROANING)

(KNOCKING) Wendy, open up!

It's too far now.

Do you want me to get the tools?

(GROANING)

No, Ervin. It's okay. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Okay? I'm I'm sorry.

I didn't know that

finding you a place to live

would be such a terrible thing.

It took forever to get

you into that program.

Oh

I over-stepped, didn't I?

You know me. I'm passionate. I

I don't know why this

isn't a good thing for you,

but I'm listening now.

(THUMPING)

So, what's up?

(THUMPING)

(LOUD CRASHING)

Wendy?

Wendy!

(KNOCKING) Wendy!

Stay alive!

Hey, you look like a

loser. In a good way.

WENDY: Help! Help, it's Wendy!

We gotta get that washroom open!

What happened?!

I don't know. I think she collapsed.

The door is stuck.

Oh, no. I am not a ginger beer guy.

You trust me?

That's a trick question. So, yes.

Have at it.

- Mm!

- (LAUGHING)

Wow. That tastes like a temperature.

It's good to know that you trust me.

I'm not sure I do anymore.

I miss joking with people.

It's been a while.

Well, what happened with Adonis?

I'm just not the person I

was when I was 23. You know?

Yeah.

Huh.

What?

My ex, I think that, well,

maybe she might be in the same boat.

You know. The S.S. I've Outgrown You.

(LAUGHING)

I'm sure it wasn't the same thing.

Look, I'm not upset anymore.

She was right.

Just took me a while to see it.

How long did it take you?

Just now.

Well, personally, I think you're

a really good guy, you know?

You're smart, you're attentive,

you're easy to talk to.

So easy that I forgot the

reason that I asked you to lunch.

I am taking my finals soon

and I need help studying.

It's weird, I know, but you

just are so detail-oriented,

you know all that Latin

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Tu in me.

You in me?

No, no! "Tu in me."

It's Latin for "you can

depend on me." I'll help.

Oh. Oh, okay. Thank you.

It would mean seeing me outside of work.

Well, look, I think I'll manage.

- (SPITTING)

- (LAUGHING)

You got a soft throat.

(BEEPING)

(SNAPPING FINGERS)

What's going on here?

Wendy's in there, we think she's hurt.

Okay, almost got it, and Yeah!

(GASPING)

Wendy?

(ALL GASPING)

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jaq, say something to it.

I'm Native, not a (BLEEP) superhero!

HOWARD: It's staring right at me.

Easy, Howie.

(GROWLING)

- Oh

- Oh, my God.

Everybody, just don't

worry. Don't sweat.

- BRYCE: It can smell confusion!

- (OVERLAPPING SCREAMS)

BRYCE: Cover your bits! Cover your bits!

Open the door, Howard!

- HOWARD: No!

- BRYCE: You're right next to it!

Where's Wendy?

I don't know.

Wendy was a raccoon.

Oh, how was lunch?

Good, not great.

Hey, team. Looks like that raccoon was

living in our ceiling for a while.

Mm.

Would explain the smell.

But, hey! Thank you so

much for the book push!

Watching you all engage with

our community was exactly

what I needed today, plus

or minus a toilet raccoon.

Well, it was our pleasure.

Oh, and Dottie called.

She's tracking the books

and she is so happy.

Dottie is happy that books

about the South winning

the Civil w*r are moving?

Mm-hm.

Wendy, I don't think this

Dottie is a good friend for you.

Oh, she's adorbs. You would love her.

She is a part-time archer!

- Sorry, part-time?

- Why would I love that?

I'm starting to think Dottie's not real.

- Oh, yeah. No, totally!

- That she exists.

It makes sense that she doesn't exist,

because I don't understand

(MEOWING)

Have you done this before or?

Uh, something like this.

There it is. I was looking for that.

- Thank you, Saint Anthony.

- Wendy!

Geez!

I'm so sorry. I I overstepped.

I promise I will consult you

if I ever do anything like that again.

Good, because you don't

know what's best for me,

and that place you got me

is wrong for a hundred reasons.

A hundred reasons?

It's outside of the city.

All my health resources

are here in Parkdale.

All my food resources.

All my friends are here.

Aww, we're your friends.

Don't make me regret this.

Listen, I've done programs like that

and they always end badly.

Okay.

But where have you been all day?

As you know, once a year

me and my squad go

through Drake's garbage.

(GASPING) Drake Day!

Has it been a year already?

Oh, and this year his trash was lit.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Check this out.

- I found this.

- Oh.

It's an Aubrey.

- Wow.

- Yes.

What's it for?

I have no idea.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Maybe he got it for wearing

those skinny little beards.

- Oh, the skinny beards to match the skinny jeans.

- Yes.

It's almost home time.

Looks like it's gonna

end in a tie, guys.

Mm-hm. Oh, Howard, we

forgot to tell you that

your friend came by earlier.

He knows. He knows.

Dane, you came back.

Do you wanna grab some dinner?

Mm, got plans. I'm gonna curl

up with this book tonight.

(GASPING)

- No, no. No, no, no, no, no.

- Um, no. We've got other books.

Exactly. I promise you,

you don't know what you're doing.

Oh, I do.

BRYCE: Bag it and tag it, Howie. Woo!

Dane, I mean. There's

two other books here.

You haven't left the library yet.

Technically, you haven't gotten it.

You can change your

mind, it's not too late!

(HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY)

JAQ: Oh, my.

(HUMMING RHYTHMICALLY)

Ooh! (GRUNTING)

JAQ: No.

MAN: You happy now?