01x01 - Schmigadoon!

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

- Push! Yes! There you go!

- [WOMAN YELLS]

- Okay, give me one more good push!

- [WOMAN YELLS]

You can do it, Holly!

- Tell her she can do it, Ted.

- [HOLLY STRAINS, YELLS]

Okay, Ted says you

can do it, Holly! Yes.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

I usually give it a kick.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

- Right there.

- [SCOFFS]

I mean, I could do it

for you, if you'd like.

No, I've been doing all my own

kicking since third grade, so

What, so just one kick

and then apparently magic?

Mm-hmm.

[MACHINE CLICKS]

[CHUCKLES]

Josh.

This has been the best year of my life.

I never thought I'd meet someone

I connect with on so many levels.

You make me feel like I have

a champion and a confidant.

I can tell you anything without

judgment, and you always have my back.

I love you. So here's to us.

I feel the same way.

What?

"I feel the same way"?

Yeah. Yeah. Can we clink now?

It's our one-year anniversary.

I guess I was expecting

something a little more special.

Sorry to interrupt. Would you

like to see the dessert tray?

Sure, why not?

Happy anniversary.

No, it's mine.

So, what is the Sacred

Heart Love Trail all about?

Well, six years ago, Joanna and I

took a look around and

we were super bummed.

All these relationships falling apart.

Heartbreak out there on the planet.

So Marv and I created a way

for couples to disconnect from the

world and reconnect with each other.

Before you head out, there's a

couple of items that we've provided.

In your love bags.

The most important is a heart

carved out of sacred Chippewa

stone with your name on it.

We ask that you give this

to your partner every day

and think about what

that really means

- to give your heart to someone.

- I love them.

Feel free to explore, but don't

wander too far from the trail.

There's no cell service

here in the wild,

and we don't want

anyone dying out there.

- [ALL CHUCKLE]

- [BOTH] Right.

Seriously, uh, some

people d*ed last time.

[JOANNA] Most of all,

remember to use this time

as a way to grow your

love for each other.

And don't worry about the clouds.

Weatherman says it'll clear soon

and the rest of the week

is nothing but sunshine.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

- Mel!

- Leave me alone!

All I said was we

should bail on the hike.

I didn't mean us in general.

I just meant the hike!

I mean, come on, we've

been lost for hours,

our phones don't work,

we're wet and miserable,

you're pissed off at me for some reason.

- Oh. "For some reason"?

- Okay.

You lost my heart.

I gave you my heart and you lost it.

Mel, it was a rock.

It was a metaphor.

I imbued it with meaning

when I gave it to you.

Are you sure I didn't

give it back to you?

Check your backpack, 'cause

I'm telling you, I di

Then why do I have your heart?

All right, so so what Do

you want me to go look for it?

Okay, I'll do it. I will

search this whole forest

for that one vaguely heart-shaped

rock. Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Babe, it's a rock.

What is the point of doing this if

you're not gonna put in any effort?

I don't know what the

point of this is at all.

You don't wanna make

our relationship better?

Our relationship is fine.

It's fine.

Why does everything have to be perfect?

Why can't it just be enough?

Okay. Yeah. Keep pretending

nothing's wrong, right?

'Cause it's easier that way.

This is exhausting.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Wait. What's that?

- Church bells?

- You hear them too?

You sometimes hear church

bells no one else does?

[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]

[BELLS CONTINUE TOLLING]

[MELISSA] There must be

a town across that bridge.

You see a bridge too?

Oh, we're still doing that?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Whoa.

That was weird.

It stopped raining.

"Schmigadoon"?

As long as they have a

functioning toilet, I'm in.

[JOSH] And what's with

all the fake plants?

[MELISSA] Maybe they're

conserving water.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[JOSH] Okay

What is this?

[MUSIC STARTS]

And why is music coming from everywhere?

Welcome to our little town ♪

Where friends are all you'll meet ♪

And you will never see a frown ♪

Hey, everyone.

Hey there, Pete.

[ALL] We bet you're prob'ly ♪

Wonderin' what we call ♪

The most beautiful, wonderful ♪

Magical place of all ♪

What What is happening?

It must be something they do for

tourists. Like Colonial Williamsburg.

Schmigadoon ♪

Where the sun shines bright ♪

From July to June ♪

And the air's as sweet as a macaroon ♪

Schmigadoon ♪

Okay, we did not buy tickets. I

repeat, we're not ticket holders.

Stop it. Let them sing.

Schmigadoon ♪

Where it's warm ♪

And safe as a new cocoon ♪

And our hearts all glow ♪

Like a harvest moon ♪

Schmigadoon ♪

Schmigadoon ♪

[TOWNSMEN] Where the men are men ♪

And the cows are cows ♪

[TOWNSWOMEN] And the farmers smile ♪

As they push their plows ♪

[ALL] And the trees are tall ♪

And we call it Schmigadoon ♪

Come on, it's charming.

Charming? It's Wicker Man.

Our schoolmarm is Emma Tate ♪

She helps our kids to punctuate ♪

Still unmarried at 28 ♪

[CHORUS] In Schmigadoon ♪

[TOWNSMEN] Farmer McDonough

craved a son ♪

But he had daughters, every one ♪

Touch 'em and you'll

answer to my g*n ♪

- [CHORUS] In Schmigadoon ♪

- [g*n FIRES]

- Ow!

- Sorry, Pete!

[CHORUS] Larry Bean

puts out our fires ♪

Helen Pritt conducts the choirs ♪

Doc is here to cure what ails ♪

And I am here in case he fails ♪

He is here in case he fails ♪

Is Pete okay?

[CHORUS] Henry Brown brings our ice ♪

Madam Vina gives advice ♪

In that shack is Buford Riggs ♪

I do unspeakable things to pigs ♪

[CHORUS] He does

unspeakable things to pigs ♪

[LISPING] It's the mayor!

This is never gonna end.

Shh. It's the mayor.

As mayor of Schmigadoon ♪

I feel that I must stress ♪

Our motto is ♪

"We always strive ♪

For peace and happiness" ♪

[ALL] Our motto is ♪

"We always strive ♪

For peace and happiness" ♪

But ♪

It's Mrs. Layton.

If Schmigadoon is to endure ♪

It must be kept pristine and pure ♪

This land on which our fathers trod ♪

Must ever obey the laws of God ♪

Everybody!

Schmigadoon! ♪

Where the church bells ring ♪

Every day at noon ♪

And the Wells Fargo wagon ♪

Brought my new harpoon ♪

- [CHORUS] Schmigadoon ♪

- [HARPOON FIRES]

- Ow!

- Sorry, Pete.

[TOWNSMEN] Where a man can dream ♪

Dreams so big and wide ♪

[TOWNSWOMEN] And a gal can be there ♪

Right by his side ♪

[ALL] And there's hope for all ♪

Whether great or small ♪

There's no folderol ♪

Bring your parasol ♪

And we call it ♪

Schmiga ♪

Schmiga, Schmiga ♪

Schmiga, Schmiga ♪

S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh! ♪

Schmigadoon! ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Yay! You guys did that!

- Can we please go now?

- Already?

You know how much I hate musicals.

People don't just burst

into song in real life.

Well, you seem okay with magical hammers

that come back when you call them.

That's totally different.

Thor is the god of thunder, and of

course Mjollnir comes

back when he calls.

- Howdy, folks.

- [JOSH] Oh, no.

Please do not make me

interact with the performers.

You know how much I hate

the [LOUDLY] Hey! Mr. Mayor.

Welcome to Schmigadoon.

Mayor Aloysius Menlove at your service.

And this is my wife, Florence.

Here, have a button.

I'm running unopposed again.

[BOTH] But who doesn't love buttons?

- I'm Melissa. This is Josh.

- Pleased to meet you.

You'll be staying at the

Schmigadoon Inn, of course.

Oh, you'll love it. Aloysius and

I stayed there on our honeymoon.

Although we didn't get

much sleep that night

on account of all the roosters out back.

- I see.

- Actually, we were just headed out, so

You know, we've been sleeping

on the ground for days,

so why would we pass up an actual bed?

That settles it then.

Carson. Run down to the inn

and tell Harvey we have two

very special guests checking in.

[LISPING] Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor.

Well, what an unusual and exotic

couple the two of you make.

No wedding rings, I see.

- Oh, no, we're not married.

- Definitely not.

- Really?

- What?

Anyhoo, I'm Mildred Layton,

and this is my husband,

the Reverend Layton.

Shoulders back, Howard,

like you have a purpose.

Well, I hope you folks

can stay till Sunday.

Would love to see you in the

congregation, it'd be real special.

Oh, I can promise you we'll

be long gone before then.

- So, where's this inn?

- Ah, right this way.

Hey. Be nice. They're trying.

And it's kind of modern.

I mean, you saw the ensemble.

It's color-blind casting.

Yeah, but I also get the feeling

the preacher's wife doesn't

like our color-blind casting.

What do you say, little lady?

Want the thrill of a lifetime?

Ooh

First ride's on me.

You just keep your

distance, Danny Bailey.

This town would be a far more decent

place without the likes of you.

Now, Mrs. Layton, you don't mean that.

Oh, yes, I do.

You're nothing but a

scoundrel, a rapscallion,

and, pardon my Jewish, a no-goodnik.

Go ahead, the inn's right over there.

Don't waste any more of your

time with this carnival trash.

Yeah, looks like the town

bad boy has a thing for you.

- Guess I'm gonna have to kick his ass.

- Oh, that I'd like to see.

Sorry to keep you waiting.

You must be the visitors

everyone's talking about.

- Suppose you're looking for a room.

- Two rooms.

They're not married, Harvey.

And I'm sure you're well aware of

the town rules regarding such things.

Yes. Yes, of of course, Mrs. Layton.

Uh, two rooms.

Okay, I get it.

You're the preacher's wife,

and we're living in sin.

It's like, "Oh, we're going to hell!"

[CHUCKLES] Just the one room, please.

Uh, sorry, sir. Town

policy is town policy.

Okay, listen, Harvey the Innkeeper.

I'm tired and frankly

not up for playing along

- with your little show

- Josh, don't waste the energy.

It's one night. We'll

take the two rooms.

Wonderful. That'll be a dollar.

Fine. Yeah. Um [CLEARS THROAT] Okay.

Here's a dollar for two rooms.

Thank you, kindly.

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, so to clarify, you're mad

because two rooms only cost a dollar?

No, I'm just

I'm not interested in pretending

we're in the olden days right now.

Okay, I don't wanna tell

you how to feel about this,

but can you feel different?

I just wanna get a freaking

room with my girlfriend

where there's Wi-Fi and I can

check the score of the Yankees game

and read my email.

Sorry, sir. Mail wagon won't

be here until next week.

- I hate you.

- Okay.

[MELISSA STAMMERS]

You guys really are so great.

Okay, granted, this

place is a little insane.

Thank you. It is important to me

that we can hate things together.

I know, sweetie. Me too.

Look, I'm sorry that I

overreacted to all this.

I just wish all these people

would die. Is that wrong?

- All right.

- [JOSH SIGHS]

Ooh. Hey. You know what I wanna do?

I'm gonna take a long, hot shower,

and then maybe go on the Tunnel of Love.

- Really?

- I know, it's corny,

but what else is there to do, right?

It might be kind of romantic.

You got it. I'll pick you up at 7:00.

- I'll be waiting.

- Oh?

And hey, um, you know, just

'cause we have two rooms

doesn't mean we gotta use two rooms.

- Oh. Mm-hmm.

- You know what I'm thinking?

[MILDRED CLEARS THROAT]

I hate this place.

- I'll see you at 7:00.

- Can't wait.

Josh?

Josh.

[SNORES]

Evening, miss.

Evening, mister.

I don't believe we were

properly introduced.

The name's Danny.

- Danny Bailey.

- Ah, yes, the rapscallion.

I'm Melissa. Gimble.

It's beautiful here at night.

It's not alone.

Offer's still open.

First ride's on me. Second one too.

Oh, no, I'm just here to look around.

You're a funny kid.

Wow, look at all the blossoms.

Happens a lot this time of year.

Whenever the wind blows.

So. You have a feller?

Yes, I have a feller.

And he's okay with you

walking on your own at night,

talking with strange men?

Well He's

What's the question again?

Wait a minute. What

are you trying to do?

Are you trying to get

me to fall for you?

What? No.

Then why do those crazy kind of

thoughts keep running through my head?

- Uh Oh, I don't really

- Well, you can forget it.

Because no woman is gonna

tie Danny Bailey down, no how.

Sure.

When a squirrel wants

another squirrel ♪

He don't bother to get attached ♪

Oh, I get a private show.

And a robin don't think ♪

About the future ♪

When he's got an itch

to be scratched ♪

You're very good.

I'm like an animal in the wild ♪

So here's a truth to which ♪

You must be reconciled ♪

Need a better agent. [CHUCKLES]

You can't tame me ♪

This buck was meant to be free ♪

A cowgirl on the range in El Paso ♪

Smiled at me and got out her lasso ♪

And that's when I put on the gas ♪

Oh, you can't tame me ♪

You can't tame me ♪

I'm like the wind on the sea ♪

A music teacher named Annabella ♪

Tried her best to make me her fella ♪

But I choose to live a cappella ♪

You can't tame me ♪

It's true ♪

But if anyone could ♪

It'd be someone like you ♪

Oh, I don't dance. I mean,

I took like a year of tap

Shh. Let's let our

bodies do the talking.

Oh, well our mouths are technically

part of our bodies, so

And somehow I can see ♪

Just exactly how it'd be ♪

In a cozy little cottage ♪

With a white picket fence ♪

And a tractor that

always needs fixin' ♪

And beamin' with pride ♪

Is the prettiest bride ♪

This side of the Mason-Dixon ♪

We'd have a kid ♪

Or two or three ♪

Two girls for you ♪

And two boys for me ♪

Shouldn't all the

kids be for both of us?

And the two of us'd ♪

Share one heart ♪

Till someday we'd die one day apart ♪

But that'll never be.

'Cause you can't tame ♪

Me ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

Great. Bravo.

That was a very handsome song.

What song?

The one you were just singing to me.

Singing?

Okay.

It's late. Uh, I'm tired.

It's getting weird.

So, thank you and good night.

[ROOSTER CROWS]

Sorry about last night.

I seriously didn't mean to fall asleep.

But to make it up to you,

today we can do that Tunnel of

Love ride as many times as you want.

Yeah, I'm good. I'm really hungry.

Can we order? Waitress!

Good morning. How we doing today?

Sleep well last night?

Yes, uh, Betsy. Slept like a log.

Oh, my gosh, "like a log"?

That is hilarious,

'cause logs don't sleep.

- You're so funny!

- [STAMMERS]

- I'm not that funny.

- He's really not.

- Could we maybe order something?

- Sure.

You are actually in luck, because today

we have our world-famous corn puddin'.

Corn puddin'? What's that?

What?

Are you trying to tell me that

you've never heard of corn puddin'?

- She's never heard of corn puddin'!

- [TOWNSFOLK GASP]

Oh, no. It's a song. You

just started another song.

Corn puddin' Corn puddin' ♪

Corn puddin', corn puddin' ♪

Corn puddin', corn puddin' ♪

Can we opt out of this?

[TOWNSMEN] My gal loves corn puddin' ♪

She eats it constantly ♪

Sometimes I get to wonderin' ♪

Does she love it more than me? ♪

[ALL] Does she love it more than me? ♪

[TOWNSWOMEN] My guy

loves corn puddin' ♪

I've got the recipe ♪

So if he wants my puddin' ♪

He'll have to marry me ♪

[ALL] Oh, he'll have to marry me ♪

You put the corn in the puddin' ♪

And the puddin' in the bowl ♪

You put the bowl in your belly ♪

'Cause it's good for the soul ♪

You put the corn in the puddin' ♪

And the puddin' in the bowl ♪

You put the bowl in your belly ♪

'Cause it's good for the soul ♪

Who wants corn puddin'? ♪

We want corn puddin' ♪

Who wants corn puddin'? ♪

[CHORUS] We want corn puddin' ♪

- W what?

- Oh, I think they want us to take a verse.

I'm not singing, and you're not singing.

Come on, could be fun.

No. Do not.

Never had corn puddin' ♪

Why?

And it may be a waste ♪

But if you've got some extry ♪

"Extry"?

I sure would like a taste ♪

Oh, she sure would like a taste ♪

Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn ♪

Puddin'! ♪

Yum! ♪

Yum!

Ooh, that was so weird.

It was like as soon as I started

singing, I knew what to say.

That's fantastic. Can we please go now?

- What? Why?

- Are you serious?

The entire town and you just

spent the last five minutes

singing about corn pudding.

Did somebody say, "corn puddin'"?

- That's it, we're leaving.

- [SONG RESTARTS]

- Okay, well that one's on you.

- [CHORUS REPEATING] 'Corn puddin' ♪

I just feel bad, you know?

Everybody was so nice. We

didn't even say goodbye.

And risk starting another song?

They'll be fine.

What?

Wait a minute.

What is going on?

- It's like we can't leave.

- [JOSH] Well, of course we can leave.

Okay, this is freaky.

It's like it's magic or

- It's not magic.

- Well, then what is it?

I don't know. It's like a

trick bridge or something.

A trick bridge? What would that even be?

It would be this, okay?

I'm gonna try something.

This cannot be happening.

What's going on, Josh? What is this?

[MAN LAUGHS]

Once ye have entered Schmigadoon ♪

'Tis true ye won't be leaving soon ♪

Within its borders ye are bound ♪

Until at last true love ye've found ♪

But till ye find it, ye must stay ♪

Where life's a musical every day ♪

Was that a leprechaun?

Yes.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

He He said something.

What did he say?

I don't know.

I was more focused on how he

was shattering my whole construct

of what's real and

not real in the world,

because he was a freaking leprechaun.

"Life's a musical every day."

This isn't some tourist attraction.

This is a musical.

We're in an actual musical.

Oh, please, God, no.

But he said we're only here till

we've found true love, which

I love you. Do you love me?

What? Yes, of course.

So let's try the bridge again,

now that we know the rules.

Yes. Now we know.

- I love you.

- Oh.

I love you too.

You hear that, Mr. Leprechaun?

We're in love.

[SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYS]

[MUSIC FADES]

Welcome to our little town ♪

Where friends are all you'll meet ♪

And you will never see a frown ♪

- Hey, everyone.

- [ALL] Hey there, Pete.

We bet you're prob'ly ♪

Wonderin' what we call ♪

The most beautiful, wonderful ♪

Magical place of all ♪

Schmigadoon ♪

Where the sun shines bright ♪

From July to June ♪

And the air's as sweet as a macaroon ♪

Schmigadoon ♪

Schmigadoon ♪

Where a man can dream ♪

Dreams so big and wide ♪

And a gal can be there ♪

Right by his side ♪

And there's hope for all ♪

Whether great or small ♪

There's no folderol ♪

Bring your parasol ♪

And we call it ♪

Schmiga ♪

Schmiga, Schmiga ♪

Schmiga, Schmiga ♪

S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh! ♪

Schmigadoon! ♪