01x04 - Suddenly

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOMBER PIANO PLAYING]

[ACTRESS] Has he opened the box?

You didn't tell me there

were gonna be naked people.

- I didn't know. Dave didn't mention it.

- [ACTORS SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, no. Is Dave gonna be naked?

His character is called "The

Unprotected Seeker of Truth,"

so I'm thinking yes.

I cannot see Dave naked.

Sure you can, we're doctors.

I operate on knees. This

is way above my pay gra

[INHALES] It's Dave.

- Abort.

- [ACTORS CONTINUE]

Abort.

[ACTOR] Because I know

not what is inside.

[MELISSA] I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- [JOSH] Pardon me.

- [MELISSA CHUCKLES] I'm sorry.

- Liar.

- I'm trying. [LAUGHS]

- [JOSH] Go. Hurry.

- [JOSH] Walk on your toes.

- I'm [LAUGHS]

- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- [ACTOR GRUNTS]

- [LAUGHING CONTINUES]

- [MELISSA] I ca [INHALES SHARPLY]

[JOSH] Oh, my God.

[CHUCKLES] Wow.

It's beautiful.

- Whoa! Gotcha.

- [CHUCKLES]

I love you.

Oh, I'm s I'm sorry.

That just I'm I don't

want you to feel any pressure.

And also, it's weird

to say that the night

we saw Dave's penis, so maybe just

I love you too.

[EMMA] Oh, I'm sorry.

I meet with parents Thursdays

between 3:00 and 5:00.

Good thing I'm not a parent.

Josh Skinner. Dr. Josh Skinner.

Oh, I know who you are.

You're the one who broke

poor Betsy McDonough's heart,

then crossed the footbridge

with every woman in town

in some pathetic attempt to bag a wife.

And how'd that work out?

Get yourself a good one?

I'm still looking.

Please, don't waste

your time looking here.

I wouldn't cross that

bridge with you for $100.

Actually, I'm looking

for a place to stay.

Heard there was a room to

let above the schoolhouse.

You heard wrong.

Now, If you don't mind, I have

more important things to do.

So Mildred Layton got to you too.

Mildred Layton?

She had my girlf ex and

me kicked out of the inn,

and has everyone else in town

so scared they won't put us up.

Ugh, that woman is a menace.

You know, she's constantly meddling,

trying to tell me what to

teach in my own classroom.

I mean, she took my book on wildflowers

and crossed out all the stamens.

So she's got a problem with you too.

Yeah, that lines up. [SIGHS]

So what's her deal? She

controls the whole town?

Pretty much. But she doesn't control me.

Well, I can think of a

great way to prove that.

[CHUCKLES] Mmm.

I suppose I could use

a handyman around here.

Hmm?

In exchange for the room.

Oh, yes. Handyman.

Super handy. Hung all the pictures

in my apartment in, like, an hour.

Eyeballed everything. It's

pretty pretty impressive.

Oh, you must have felt so virile.

You can start tomorrow morning at 9:00.

Now, if you'll excuse

me, I have work to do.

Gotcha.

Thank you.

- Make it 8:00.

- You got it.

[DOC LOPEZ] Here is what

I expect from my nurse:

Hard work, discipline and a willingness

to follow all of my

orders to the letter.

Absolutely.

So, Dr. Lopez, have you had many nurses?

I have.

Now I will like to

show you my equipment.

This is called an obstetric perforator.

Really? Looks like something

you'd use to eat lobster.

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

Papa?

I'm sorry, son. I just

needed to grab something.

What did you take?

- Um

- What is it? Show me.

- [WOMAN SIGHS]

- Uh

Papa, that is a surgical lubricant.

What could you possibly want it for?

- It's private.

- Not when it's my lubricant.

Come on. Just let them have it.

And now you have encouraged my

new nurse to question my authority.

Fine. Your mama and

I are feeling amorous,

and the last time it

really helped, so

- Papa, there is a lady present.

- Oh, I'm good.

You are too old for the

act of love. It's unseemly.

Put it back this instant.

[BOTH SIGH]

My apologies. You'll find I

don't appreciate interruptions.

Doc Lopez, I'm sorry, but

Young lady, I told

you I cannot help you.

- But I

- Nancy!

If you are determined to

have a child out of wedlock,

that is your concern.

But I will have nothing to do with

it. Now please, leave this office.

Wait, what?

[CRIES]

[MELISSA] What is wrong with you?

You can't just turn away that girl.

I have every right to choose

whom I will take on as a patient.

But you're the only doctor in town.

[GIRL] Epiphany.

E-P-I-P-H-A-N-Y. Epiphany.

[EMMA] Well done, Zaneeta.

Tommy, your word is "catharsis."

- Catharsis. C-A

- Hey!

Children, say good morning to

our new handyman, Dr. Skinner.

[CLASS] Good morning, Dr. Skinner.

Hey, kids.

'Sup.

So, where should I start?

The door to the supply closet

has been jammed for weeks.

On it.

- Now, Tommy, let's resume.

- [CLANGS]

- Your word is "catharsis."

- Um, Miss Tate?

Yeah, this is really stuck.

Do you have any other jobs?

So you're just going to give up?

No, I'm not giving up. I'm just

moving on to something else.

So, giving up.

Children, what does Shakespeare

have to say about that?

[LISPING] "Cowards die many

times before their death;

the valiant never taste

of death but once."

Shakespeare. So perceptive,

and so beautifully expressed.

What does that even mean?

It means that taking the

easy way out never pays.

Let's see how I can explain it.

- [MUSIC STARTS]

- Oh, seriously,

no musical explanation needed. I get it.

When you've got a job to do ♪

You must try with all your heart ♪

Life's profoundest joys ♪

Go to girls and boys ♪

Who finish what they start ♪

When faced with work ♪

The shirkers shirk because ♪

It's no longer fun ♪

But the chaps for whom ♪

The whole world claps ♪

Are the chaps who keep at it ♪

Till the job is done ♪

- Yeah.

- Oh, at times you'll want to say ♪

"I've got nothing left to give" ♪

But a life that's lived partway ♪

Is no way to live ♪

[CHUCKLES AND MUTTERS] Stop. Okay.

So here's a slice of good advice ♪

That I'm obliged to impart ♪

You must always try your best ♪

With all of your heart ♪

[CHUCKLES]

Miss Tate is right. How

can you live a life partway?

Or be half a friend?

Why do you keep giving up, Dr. Skinner?

Yeah. Why?

Hey, back off. It's a door.

Is it?

- When you've got a job to do ♪

- [CLASS] When you've got a job to do ♪

- You must try with all your heart ♪

- You must try with all your heart ♪

Life's profoundest joys ♪

- Go to girls and boys ♪

- Girls and boys ♪

- Who finish what they start ♪

- [CLASS] S-T-A-R-T! ♪

When faced with work ♪

The shirkers shirk ♪

- Because it's no longer fun ♪

F-U-N! ♪

But the chaps for whom ♪

The whole world claps ♪

Are the chaps who keep at it ♪

Till the job is done ♪

- Oh, at times you'll want to say ♪

- Oh, at times you'll want to say ♪

- "I've got nothing left to give" ♪

- "I've got nothing left to give" ♪

But a life that's lived partway ♪

- Is no way to live ♪

- It's no way to L-I-V-E! ♪

So here's a slice of good advice ♪

That I'm obliged to impart ♪

[ALL] You must always try your best ♪

With all of your heart ♪

Not into singing, huh? I get it.

I'm no good at music.

[SONG CONTINUES, TEMPO INCREASES]

[BELL RINGS]

- So here's a slice of good advice ♪

- [CLASS VOCALIZING]

That I'm obliged to impart ♪

[EMMA, CLASS] You must

always try your best ♪

Though life puts you to the test ♪

You must always try your best ♪

With all of your ♪

Heart ♪

[CLASS] H-E-A-R-T!

[ALL] Heart! [LAUGH]

[EMMA] Yes!

Why are they laughing? Nothing

even remotely funny just happened.

[WHISTLES "SOMEWHERE

LOVE IS WAITING FOR YOU"]

Can I tempt you with anything?

What would you recommend?

Well, most folks are partial

to Helen Pritt's corn brittle

or Aunt Polly's shoofly pie.

Unfortunately, no one seems to be

interested in my rhubarb squares.

Oh, I love rhubarb squares.

You do? Me too.

And I thought I was the only one.

Well, they're definitely

not for everybody.

- I'll take two.

- Wonderful.

Here. I'd hate to enjoy it alone.

Oh, thank you.

Uh-uh-uh, Howard,

don't forget your diet.

We don't wanna have to get your

fat pants down from the attic again.

Oh. Sorry, Mildred.

[CHURCH BELL TOLLING]

Ha! I found you!

Oh, don't worry, Nancy.

No, no, I'm here to help.

I assume this is the father?

Uh, yes, ma'am. Seaman Freddy Driggs.

Oh, thank you for your service.

You're pregnant and

living in this shack?

Oh, my parents don't want a scandal.

But please don't tell

them Freddy was here.

Nancy and I wanna get married, honest.

But her ma doesn't approve of sailors

on account of the way we

curse so dad gum much Sorry.

So we can't.

Hey. You'll get no judgment from me.

I just wanna make sure

you and your baby are safe.

How many months along are you?

I'm not sure. I've got so many

questions and no idea who to ask.

For instance, where

does the baby come out?

I feel like there are a couple

of options but both seem crazy.

The baby comes out

of your vag*na, Nancy.

Really?

Ma'am, I don't even

use language like that.

It's just medical terminology,

Freddy. Nothing to be afraid of.

Let's see if I can

make it easier for you.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

vag*na is where the penis goes ♪

Ovaries make eggs for you and me ♪

Testes are where the sperm repose ♪

Cervix is where they can swim free ♪

Fallopian tubes are ♪

Where both of them meet ♪

Uterus is where

cells start to sprout ♪

Placenta is what they like to eat ♪

Till the baby comes straight out ♪

- The vag*na?

- That's right!

Now sing with me.

- vag*na ♪

- Is where the penis goes ♪

- Ovaries ♪

- Make eggs for you and me ♪

- Testes ♪

- Are where the sperm repose ♪

- Cervix ♪

- Is where they can swim free ♪

- Fallopian tubes ♪

- Are where both of them meet ♪

- Uterus ♪

- Is where cells start to sprout ♪

- Placenta ♪

- Is what they like to eat ♪

[ALL] Till the baby comes straight out ♪

The vag*na ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]

Ow! Son of a bitch.

Aw. This must be the Skinner

Feeling I've heard so much about.

Hey. Just trying to do my

best with all of my heart.

Well, clearly the door's

gotten the better of you.

Maybe try assaulting the

toolbox again tomorrow?

[DOOR BANGS]

- You!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't sh**t!

Oh, I'm not gonna sh**t.

'Cause you're headed with

me and my Betsy right now

to the church to get married.

What?

Hey! You listen here,

Patrick McDoogal McDonough.

You will not come into my classroom

waving a g*n around and

ranting like a lunatic.

Do you understand me?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

Do you really think so

little of your daughter

that you feel the need to thr*aten

men to get them to marry her?

- Do you, Papa?

- Well, I thought

I don't see a whole lot of thinking

going on in that head of yours.

But you are going to go home

and think about your behavior,

and let your daughter live her own life.

- Is that clear?

- Yes, ma'am.

- Can I have my g*n?

- You will get this back

when I think you have

learned your lesson. Now get.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

Must be hard being the

only one around here

with an actual functioning brain.

Aw, they're not so bad. They're

just set in their ways, is all.

I try to encourage them to

be more modern, but, uh

Have you heard of a brassière?

- Rings a bell.

- Oh, it's a wonderful new invention

that frees the woman's bosom

from the bondage of the corset.

I love it.

But of course Mildred and

her biddies have banned them.

It's ridiculous.

So ridiculous. Brassières are the best.

I imagine we all must seem

very provincial and backwards

to someone as cosmopolitan as yourself.

So, what's it like where

you come from? The big city.

- Well

- [MUSIC STARTS]

No, no, no, no!

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, um

- I'm not doing this.

- [MUSIC ENDS]

- Okay. Fine. Don't tell me.

- Have a nice evening, Dr. Skinner.

- No [STAMMERS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

So in the future, Pete,

let's stay away from boiling

pots of corn puddin', okay?

Just knowing you and your whole deal.

- [CLANG]

- [PETE] Ow!

[CLEARS THROAT] So you're a

nurse now. Where's the doctor?

He's out fishing.

What do you want? Why are you here?

I kinda I was, um

- You need my help.

- Yeah.

Really? Don't know if you remember,

but we're broken up and I hate you.

I know, I know. But I have

nowhere else to turn. Please.

Fine. What is it?

Okay, so you remember when

I tried to cross the bridge

with every woman in town?

Yes, I remember.

Well, there's one woman in town I

missed. Emma Tate, the schoolmarm.

So I'm thinking she

must be my ticket out.

You gonna find true

love with the schoolmarm?

I don't know. I I just

know it's not going well.

Yesterday we were talking

and then music started

to play out of nowhere,

and she stormed off.

- Well, you were supposed to sing.

- [SIGHS] I guess.

Josh, you're in a musical.

That's how musicals work.

When you're too emotional

to talk, you sing.

When you're too emotional

to sing, you dance.

What happens when you're

too emotional to dance?

Does it loop back around to talking?

'Cause I feel like that's

where I'm at right now.

Look, there's gotta be

another way. You know musicals.

Any tips for me? Like

what musical I'm in.

I'm so torn between really

not wanting to help you

and really wanting to

show off how much I know.

Damn it. Okay.

She's a teacher accompanied by a young

boy. That's very Music Man.

And who would I be in that?

Harold Hill. A morally adrift

narcissist who needs to change.

- All right.

- Or it could be King and I.

- In that I'm

- A morally adrift narcissist

who needs to change.

Okay, now I feel like that's

just your opinion of me.

- You're gonna have to sing, Josh.

- Not happening.

So what did the Music Man do to win

over the teacher in their musical?

- He gave her little brother a trumpet.

- Why?

Why "Shipoopi"? I don't know. Do

you need to know the whole plot?

- How much time do you have?

- Never mind.

Trumpet. Little brother. Got it.

- I think it's a little more than that.

- [NANCY] Nurse Melissa!

- Nurse Melissa!

- I'm a doctor.

I think I'm having the baby!

Uh, okay. Come on in. Let's do this.

- But Doc Lopez

- Screw Doc Lopez.

Let's get you on the table.

[MOANING AND PANTING]

[NANCY PANTS] Okay.

What are you doing?

Figured you could use a hand.

- Yeah, I could.

- [NANCY MOANING]

[BABY CRYING]

That was amazing.

- You were amazing.

- [GROANS] No.

- You were.

- Okay, I was.

But to be fair, I mean, being

in a musical made it pretty easy.

It's the first time I've ever had

a baby come out completely dry.

Yeah, that was weird.

But it was great to have

your help, so thank you.

Happy to do it.

Guess you better go find

that trumpet. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, yeah. Right.

Well, good luck.

- Good luck to you too.

- Thanks.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[BABY COOING]

[DOC LOPEZ CLEARS THROAT]

Is it true what I heard?

Did you deliver Nancy's

baby against my orders?

Yes, because I'm a doctor.

I am. And you know what

doctors are supposed to do?

Help people.

Well, you had no right to do that.

This is my practice

and I make the rules.

Speaking of, how did this tube

end up on my parents' nightstand?

I gave it to them.

You have no boundaries. No decency.

I have no decency?

You refused to treat a woman in need.

I'm sorry. I don't care how

ridiculously handsome you are.

You're just wrong. About Nancy,

about your parents, about everything.

If your parents wanna have

sex, let them have sex.

In fact, you know what?

I'm not only gonna keep encouraging

your parents to get it on,

I'm gonna teach them ways to

make their sex lives even better.

Every position in the Kama-sutra.

Pleasure for the sake

of pleasure itself.

And finally, in spite of you,

they are going to truly live.

[ORGAN PLAYING]

We are gathered here

today to say goodbye

to Old Doc Lopez,

who unexpectedly left us this week

as a result of engaging in

what is apparently known as

an "Egyptian hucklebuck."

We all must experience sorrow,

but it seems the Lopez family has

endured much more than its share.

Just two years ago, I was

up here delivering the eulogy

for Jorge's dear wife, Norma.

So, what do we do when life

hands us tragedy like this?

When the love of God is so far away?

- [HOWARD] And hope so distant?

- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- [SERMON CONTINUES]

- Are you all right?

It was my fault.

I'm the one who encouraged him

to stretch his sexual repertoire.

That heart att*ck was

gonna happen no matter what.

You know that, right?

It was just hibernating.

- [HOWARD] A wise man once said

- I guess.

- [HOWARD, INDISTINCT]

- So, that's your doctor, huh?

He's moderately attractive.

For a man his age.

How's it going with your schoolmarm?

Can't find a trumpet anywhere.

I still don't see how that's gonna

make her fall in love with me.

Look, romance in musicals

isn't always logical. Okay?

That's why they usually let

the songs do the heavy lifting.

I'm not singing.

Are we truly living our

lives to the fullest?

Do we have the courage to

always follow our hearts?

And are we using everything

God has blessed us with?

He makes a great point, huh?

About following our hearts.

I'd like to. I would. But

Because our brief sojourn here

on earth is a gift from God.

And he would not have us

waste a single minute of it.

You know what?

You're right.

[HOWARD] A wise man once said,

"The stars are always shining

- but it's only at night"

- Oh, no. I didn't mean right now.

Reverend, I have

something I'd like to say.

Uh, of course, Mr. Mayor.

The reverend is right.

Life is precious, and we

shouldn't waste a single minute.

So [BREATHES SHAKILY]

there's something I've

wanted to say for years

but have never had the courage.

Florence,

my dearest, I love you so much.

But

I'm a h*m*.

- A what?

- [GRAND MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm a h*m* ♪

It's no longer subtextual ♪

I'm attracted to men ♪

Not you men, you're dull ♪

But I'm a h*m* ♪

[FLORENCE CRIES]

Florence, wait!

[CRYING CONTINUES]

- [CONGREGATION MUTTERING]

- [SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS]

- Hey, Carson.

- [LISPING] Hey, Dr. Skinner.

Got a little something for ya.

What's that?

It's a kazoo.

And I know you'd

probably prefer a trumpet

but there aren't any in town. And

besides, a kazoo is much better

because you don't have to take

lessons or practice, or anything.

You just hum into it

and music comes out.

[SIGHS] Hmm.

The other kids will just make fun of me.

- Why do you say that?

- Because they always make fun of me.

I'm an outcast. I guess

I just don't fit in.

I know how you feel, buddy.

- You do?

- Sure.

When I was in school to be a

doctor, I didn't fit in either.

There wasn't anybody

like me in my whole group.

And to tell the truth, it

got pretty lonely sometimes.

But you know what I

did? I said, "Screw 'em."

[LISPING] "Screw 'em"?

Mm-hmm.

I I realized it didn't

matter what they thought.

It only mattered what I thought.

And so I worked hard, I became a doctor,

and now I have a ton of friends.

Including Carmelo Anthony, who

is a famous basketball player,

whose knee I once fixed and

hooked me up with courtside seats.

And those babies go

for, like, $2,500 a pop.

- Wow!

- Exactly. So, come on.

Give it a try.

- [HUMS]

- Mmm.

- [LOW HUM]

- Right.

[HUMS]

Wow! I did it! I made music!

- Sister! Sister! Sister!

- Yes?

Dr. Skinner gave me the

most amazing thing ever!

A kazoo! Look, I can make music!

[HUMMING]

That's great!

Holy sh*t, it worked.

Doctor?

Are you all right?

Oh, Melissa. Sorry, I was

just out here thinking.

It's been quite a day.

I didn't know about your wife.

I'm so sorry. You must

have loved her very much.

Yes, I did.

And I want you to know how

sorry I am about your father.

I feel like if it weren't

for me, he'd still be around.

Oh, no, no. Melissa, you

must never blame yourself.

Never.

Because of you, his last moments

were filled with joy. And love.

No thanks to me. No, no.

I am Dr. Jorge Sebastian Federico Lopez,

a controlling perfectionist who

won't just let people be who they are.

I hate that about myself. I hate it.

Well, I mean, there are positive

aspects to those qualities too.

That's what I told myself.

And in the meantime, I was making

the people I love miserable.

But then you showed up, standing

up to me, speaking your mind.

Yes, initially I hated it,

but now I've realized

that you were right.

And I was wrong. About everything.

That's the sexiest thing

any man has ever said to me.

You've changed me, Melissa.

Thank you.

[SOFTLY] How does this even work?

- [JOSH SIGHS]

- [CLEARS THROAT]

A any luck?

[CHUCKLES] Nope.

Uh I'm kind of the

worst handyman ever.

Been here a week,

haven't fixed anything.

Except Carson.

- Thank you for reaching out to him.

- Oh.

He's had such a hard time growing

up without a mother or a father.

I've tried introducing the

important things in life to him.

You know, compassion, integrity,

that there should

always be a third thing.

But clearly there's so

much I've denied him.

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.

He's a great kid, and

that's because of you.

A lot of people in this

town would disagree.

Who cares what they think?

You're better than all

of them put together.

Josh Skinner.

You are not the man

that I thought you were.

Doctor?

Melissa, what the mayor

did today has inspired me.

[MUSIC STARTS]

I know this is sudden, but I

don't wanna waste another minute.

Suddenly I find myself forgetting ♪

All the things ♪

That bounce around my brain ♪

Suddenly I want to plan a wedding ♪

Although I know ♪

That's perfectly insane ♪

There's no sense ♪

In trying to explain it ♪

What and where and why ♪

And when and how ♪

All I know is suddenly I love you ♪

And suddenly that's ♪

All that matters now ♪

- Emma

- If this seems sudden, well, it is.

But after what happened

today at the funeral,

it just feels wrong to keep it inside.

Suddenly it seems ♪

I'm not the teacher ♪

And there's so much more ♪

For me to learn ♪

Suddenly I want to call a preacher ♪

And that's the sort of thought ♪

I used to spurn ♪

There's no sense ♪

In trying to explain it ♪

What and where and why ♪

And when and how ♪

All I know is suddenly I love you ♪

And suddenly that's ♪

All that matters now ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[DOC LOPEZ, EMMA] There's no sense ♪

In trying to explain it ♪

What and where and why ♪

And when and how ♪

All I know is suddenly I love you ♪

And suddenly that's all that matters ♪

Now ♪

[GRAND MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC ENDS]

- When you've got a job to do ♪

- When you've got a job to do ♪

- You must try with all your heart ♪

- You must try with all your heart ♪

Life's profoundest joys ♪

- Go to girls and boys ♪

- Girls and boys ♪

- Who finish what they start

- S-T-A-R-T! ♪

So here's a slice of good advice ♪

That I'm obliged to impart ♪

You must always try your best ♪

With all of your heart ♪

[SONG CONTINUES, TEMPO INCREASES]

So here's a slice of good advice ♪

That I'm obliged to impart ♪

You must always try your best ♪

Though life puts you to the test ♪

You must always try your best ♪

With all of your ♪

- Heart ♪

- H-E-A-R-T!