01x06 - Jesus Loves a Hustler

[bunniefuu]

- (DRILL RUMBLING IN DISTANCE)
- Dear Lord, I know you can hear me.

It's Jade Mary Megan James,
the one from Carshalton.

Give us the strength not to become

them stereotypical, weak
b*tches who live in refuges.

Like the pathetic ones you see on telly,

crying with limp, lifeless hair.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, you ask the Lord for salvation.

Go on. Ask him for
something deep in your heart.

COSTELLO JONES: (SIGHS) Um.

f*cking ask him. He ain't got all day.

(GROANS) Um.

Dear Lord, please give me and Iris,

uh, a council flat in London.

Why are you obsessed
with London? It's sh*t.

That's where we're from.

No, you came here from a
great, big country house.

Hypocrite much?

Too right, if a mansion's on offer.

But if I'm being thrown to some slum,

it better be in the
center of the universe,

- which is London.
- Yeah.

Deliver Jesus and hear
my prayer for Costello,

whose daughter hates her.

- (CHUCKLES) No, she doesn't.
- There's vibes.

No. She hates her new school.

- This place and that f*cking noise.
- JADE MARY MEGAN JAMES: Yes.

Heavenly Father, silence
the greedy folk next door,

cast them into the furnace,

- burn them alive in their Pashminas...
- (COSTELLO CHUCKLES)

... lead them to
damnation. Thanks, God. Bye.

You ask a lot of Him.

I thought Jesus liked
women who helped themselves.

Oh, yeah. Jesus loves a hustler.

What you doing for money?
Wanna earn some cash?

- Doing what?
- Webcamming and sh*t.

Hmm, don't really wanna f*ck Serena off.

Bitch. It's your funeral.

- ♪ (WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (LINE TRILLING)

COSTELLO: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
All right. It's Costello Jones.

I don't owe you any f*cking money!

- But go on, leave a message.
- (VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

Day in Bedlam for me. (CLEARS THROAT)

And you'll be pleased to hear
I've bounced back somewhat.

And I'm willing to concede
there's a ten-percent chance

- I'm the full nutty.
- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

So rest assured, I'm giving my time here

- the full college try.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

FLORIAN SELBY: I think you might
even enjoy my little updates.

Like, postcards from a demented island.

And I'm even making friends here.

I met an interesting
"thing" called Frida.

She helps pass the time.

Do you think you could come and visit?

- I feel like you owe me that, at least.
- (EXHALES)

- (GLASS SQUEAKING)
- Give Iris a kiss from me.

- (SCOFFS)
- (RECEIVER CLATTERS)

(COINS CLINKING)

CUSTOMER: (FAINTLY) All right, love...

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

RICHARD: In all the food
banks in all the world,

if it isn't Costello Jones.

All right, just...

- Hey.
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Heard you moved to
the country with Selby.

- Yeah, I'm back now, so...
- Yeah, probably for the best.

He's a total knob, isn't he?

He's my best friend, and
you know nothing about him.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, come on
then. Let's get you some food.

(GRUNTS)

Bit presumptuous, aren't
we? I'm here to volunteer.

I can do weekday mornings, or...

(RICHARD CHUCKLES)

- Oh! (CHUCKLES)
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, uh... Great. (CHUCKLES)

Well, um, in that case, uh,

follow me, and I'll show
you how food banking's done.

- Okay.
- (IN FRENCH ACCENT) Donations.

- Mm-hmm. - (IN
NORMAL VOICE) Um.

This is the packing
station. Fresh goods here.

Eggs, free-range.
(CHUCKLES) Hello, mate.

And this is absolutely stunning.

- PATIENT: Whoa!
- We just have the appropriate stocks,

and we're just happening
to give away .

I mean, what's the one thing
that you've got loads of

that you can always use more
of? Right. Black shirts.

Uh... I must have at home. (CHUCKLES)

I really must. Uh, can you see this?

These are actual real silk...

- I know what's wrong with you.
- (BUZZER HUMMING)

I know what's wrong
with everyone in here.

I'd be a psychiatrist
if they let me out.

Well, given you were elbow
deep in your vag*na earlier,

you'd make a wonderful psychiatrist.

FRIDA: See him?

Schizoid Personality
Disorder. I can tell.

And check out the nurse.

- Avoidant Personality Disorder.
- (TELEPHONE RINGING)

(SHOPPING CHANNEL PRESENTER
SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I -percent know that

'cause my granddad was the same.

And what is wrong with you?

Borderline Personality Disorder.

And I've been anorexic
since I was eight,

ADHD since I was , and complex PTSD

since, like, forever.

Gosh.

- You're quite the collector.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I've been watching
you since you got here.

I've got you sussed.

Are you ready for my diagnosis?

If you must.

Antisocial Personality Disorder.

All of your relationships
have been violent,

and you've got big daddy issues.

- (THUD ON TABLE)
- Am I right?

Well, you can be the judge of that

when I tell you that I want to grab

your stupid, little head

and ram it into that cunting television.

That's it. There's only on
sale in this exclusive offer.

So, if you want one,

you shouldn't wait to
call the number below.

I've been holding out for a miscarriage

but it's still up there.

You've never been very lucky, have you?

Did you ever think about
getting rid of Iris?

Never. As soon as I found out,

I knew I was gonna take my baby and run.

I ain't as strong as you.

- I can't do this on my own.
- I'm not strong.

And I ain't doing it with Paul.
No. No choice but to abort.

Well, it sounds like you need
to get rid of him, not the kid.

I tried to break up with him,
like, three times. (CHUCKLES)

COSTELLO: Pity you can't
abort -year-old men.

I could call him and
tell him that you've d*ed.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Selby called me for the first time today

and wants me to visit.

- Don't you f*cking dare.
- I was so relieved.

I thought he hated me.
I miss him, G. I just...

GLORIA DUKE: I think you'll
find that's nostalgia talking.

Look, what you need is a distraction.

Will you have this abortion with me?

(SIGHS)

I've been waiting
years for you to ask me.

(CHUCKLES) If I do it. I
mean, I'm probably gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it.

- Maybe.
- ♪ (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

COSTELLO: Bubba, please.

What can I do to stop you hating me?

Nothing. You and Selby messed up.

Why should I have to
live this crappy life?

(DOOR OPENS)

Costello! I need a word.

Iris, go upstairs and do your homework.

Oh, just put me up for
adoption, why don't you?

- (BABY CRYING)
- Iris!

(MOCKINGLY) "Iris, Iris."

It's a joy to see you at
communal prayer each morning.

Yeah. Well, it is mandatory,
Serena. I've been a good girl.

No contact with Selby.

God rewards the good.

COSTELLO: No men, no work.

I started volunteering at a food bank.

All of this is good, good, good.

Now, I need to talk to you about
an organization we work with

who house wayward mothers.

I know it's quick, and
you've barely settled in,

but we have found you and
Iris your forever home.

- Here? In London?
- Uh, let's see.

Two bedrooms, a balcony,
by the sea. Thanet!

Oh! The Lord giveth.

Am I f*ck moving to Thanet.

And the Lord taketh away.

I've been a good person for days now.

And I'm not a good person, Serena.

I've been pretending,
and I am exhausted,

and now I'm being shat on.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Serena, the Lord is a knob.

And if the Lord thinks
that I'm leaving London,

- he can go f*ck himself.
- (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

"Your murderers come with smiles.

They come as your friends."

That's... That's not even the
Bible. That is Goodfellas.

You're getting your gospels
all mixed up. This is just...

(SCOFFS) What? So you're
chucking me out now?

No. Why would I do that?

The government give me
quid a week to keep you here.

(SCOFFS) Ah, capitalism!

The real religion of the
st century. Hallelujah!

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Hmm.

This is gonna be my last shift today.

I need a job that pays. I
need to get a private flat.

- What about the refuge?
- (GROANS)

I've got six months there,
but the clock is ticking

before they kick me to the council,

who will f*ck me.

Well, is there anything I can do?

How much money have you
got on you right now?

Uh.

- Fiver.
- Now, eat me out.

Is this a...

Oh. No, I'm not a...

Listen I support sex workers,
but I don't pay for it.

Can I stop you right there
before you say something stupid?

The p*ssy is for free. (SOFTLY)
I just need five pounds.

Is it ethical to lick out a
woman who lives in a refuge?

Uh, I don't think this p*ssy
is that worried about ethics.

I just need a distraction.

And if you don't want
it, then you can f*ck off.

This is gonna be the best
offer you're gonna get

in any foodbank today.

- (BAGS RUSTLING)
- (BREATHES HEAVILY)

(RICHARD MOANS)

I just can't imagine ever loving you.

Mate, that hurts.

Is that a reason to call it a day?

Yes. I think it is.

I've never broken up
with someone before.

Normally, when I'm horrible
to them, they just leave.

I don't believe you
could ever be horrible, G.

Uh. I literally just need some space,

and for you not to be in it ever.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Good luck.

You're a lovely man, but not for me.

Yeah, thanks.

Listen, do you fancy
grabbing a drink sometime?

I think that would be
a bit weird, don't you?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course.

- I'll see you soon, Gloria.
- No. You probably won't.

Well, take care.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CAR HORN BLARING IN DISTANCE)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

- Okay.
- (TELEPHONE LINE RINGING)

(PEN CAP CLICKS, CLATTERS)

Hello. I think I'd really love
to book in for a termination.

- (GROANS)
- Right. No makeup.

You're not allowed to look
good. Stick on the trackie.

(GROANS)

What are you doing? Get off.

Making it look like you
actually live in a refuge.

Mm-hmm? Can't be all fancy.
It ain't Babestation.

Authenticity is what they want.

Yeah, well, it's not authentic to me.

Hiya.

We are two horny babes trapped
in a battered women's refuge

with no men to satisfy us.
(INHALES SHARPLY)

Do you wanna help us out?

You run away from horrible men, did you?

Yeah. Please help us. (INHALES)

We're one hundred percent
battered British b*tches.

She's new here.

Fresh from being abused.
(INHALES) Tell him.

Yeah. It's true.

Been abused all my
life by men and women.

VIEWER : (OVER COMPUTER)
You got any bruises?

- (BOTH SIGH)
- You have no idea.

Oh!

But if you could just
click, uh, the donate button,

I'll tell you the whole, sordid story.

♪ (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

VIEWER : (OVER COMPUTER)
Hi, girls.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- (GASPS)
- Those, you like?

- Love those.
- I thought you would.

Tell me where he hit you.

Oh. You've got a face I want to punch.

- (GASPS)
- Oh, that makes me want to cry.

I wouldn't have let you out of my sight.

- It's beautiful.
- That's so nice.

And a bit scary.

VIEWER : (OVER COMPUTER) List
all of your injuries for me.

- Well, I had my ribs broken.
- Yeah. I broke my jaw.

You deserved it, didn't you?

- I'm so sorry.
- Well, I'm sorry, too.

I'd hit you with my big d*ck.

- Hmm. I can't wait.
- Good.

- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (DOOR OPENS)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (EXHALES)
- (COIN RATTLING)

(DIALPAD CLACKING)

(CLICKS TONGUE) Day
in the funny farm.

I miss you.

Why won't you visit me?

- She's already forgot you, mate.
- (COINS CLINKING)

- They always do.
- (LINE DROPS)

(RECEIVER CLATTERS)

I suppose you think this is some
sort of meet-cute, don't you?

Two nut-nuts in an
asylum falling in love.

Well, it just isn't that movie, darling.

And when I say f*ck off,

I don't mean follow me and
love me. I mean, f*ck off.

f*ck off! (SOFTLY) Okay?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Just through here, please.
- PATIENT: Thank you.

So you're sure you want
to go through with this?

Because you've had a lot to drink.

- Dutch courage.
- Oh.

And why have you tarted yourself up?

I can dress up for
my abortion if I like.

I've split up with Paul,
and I'm happy about that.

- COSTELLO: Mm-hmm.
- GLORIA: Oh, wait.

I think I want...
(WHISPERS) ... the baby.

All right. Come on then, let's go.

No, no, no.

You know what I'm like. I'll
f*ck it up. I'll just f*ck it up.

- (COSTELLO EXHALES)
- GLORIA: It's best to get it over and done with.

RECEPTIONIST: Gloria Duke.

Sorry, I have to ask.

But have you consumed
alcohol in the last hours?

(GASPS)

A couple over lunch.

I'm afraid you can't legally consent

to the procedure under
the influence of alcohol.

No. I've made up my mind
now. I want an abortion.

- Give it to me.
- Come on.

No! Give me my abortion.

What's happened to this country? What?

A woman can't have an abortion
after a couple of wine?

- Come on. Let's go.
- GLORIA: No. Look.

Hey, look at me. Look at me.

Do I look like the kind of woman
that should be having a kid?

- Huh?
- Look,

let's just get you to bed,

and we'll talk about it in the morning.

Don't make me go Vera Drake.
Don't make me go backstreet.

Come on.

(SOFTLY) Sorry.

- SERENA: You're arrogant.
- (DRILL RUMBLING)

SERENA: You're up yourself.
You're rude, aggressive.

(DRILL CONTINUES RUMBLING IN DISTANCE)

You just don't seem very vulnerable.

(SCOFFS)

Abused women are usually
a lot more... humble.

(CHUCKLES) So what, you think I'm lying?

(RUMBLING INTENSIFIES)

(MACHINERY CRASHING)

- (INDISTINCT SCREAMING)
- COSTELLO: Iris! Iris!

- (INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
- COSTELLO: Iris!

(ALARM RINGING)

- Oh, Lord!
- Iris!

- JADE: Candi?
- (CLAMORING CONTINUES)

JADE: Candi! Candi, where are you?

- (ALARM RINGING)
- (SIGHS)

- Mom, what's...
- COSTELLO: We're okay. We're okay. Right.

Right, you're gonna grab
your money, and let's go.

JADE: This is 'cause of them
greedy bastards next door.

All right, bubba. Iris, can you help me?

Right.

Everything's fine.

Okay. Good girls.

Okay. All right. Let's go.

Iris, you just stay with mommy, okay?

Get out of his way,
yeah? Get out, now. Now.

Keep moving! Keep going!

(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)

IRIS: Mom. Mom.

- (SIGHS) Oh, gosh.
- SERENA: Is everyone out?

- COSTELLO: You okay?
- IRIS: Yeah, I guess.

JADE: Are you all right?

KENNETH: You said, and I quote,

"I want to grab your stupid,
little head and ram it

into that cunting television."

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- I'm a work in progress.

No, I've quit.

Oh. Go on, then.

You doing okay?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I miss Iris.

More than anything.

And I just can't wait

to get back to them both
and make it all better.

♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

KENNETH: How would
you make it all better?

- What would you say to them?
- What would I say?

That I have all the right
feelings in my heart.

But I just don't know how
to love like everyone else.

Because...

no one ever f*cking taught
me how to do it right.

But then I sound like an absolute twat.

KENNETH: You're attempting to change.

Most don't have the guts to try that.

Well, I'm a big, brave boy, Doctor.

(ALARM BEEPING)

- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oi, Pashmina! Why are you crying?

This is your fault.

Your house is fine, ours is f*cked.

I mean, you barely even live here.

You live in Oxfordshire.

You take more and more

without thinking about
people who get less and less.

(SOBS) We lived here!

It was just a shitty little room,

and it wasn't forever, but it was ours.

You are lucky that someone didn't die!

My daughter could've d*ed,

you posh c**ts!

- RESIDENT : That's right.
- RESIDENT : That's right.

♪ (SOFT GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SOBS) Thank you.

Thank you. (SNIFFLES)

I'll sort this. Okay? I promise.

I'm sorry, bubba.

- ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Selby, you've got a visitor.

- Who?
- Some woman.

She got a little girl
with her. She's so cute.

♪ ("WEAR YOUR LOVE LIKE
HEAVEN" BY DONOVAN PLAYING) ♪

♪ Color in sky,
Prussian blue ♪

- ♪ Wear your love like heaven ♪
- ♪ Wear your love like ♪

- ♪ Wear your love like heaven ♪
- ♪ Wear your love ♪

♪ (SONG CONTINUES OVER SPEAKER) ♪

♪ Lord, kiss me once more ♪
♪ Fill me with song ♪

♪ Allah, kiss me once more ♪
♪ That I may, that I may ♪

- Visitors?
- Not today.

- ♪ Wear my love like heaven ♪
- ♪ Wear my love like ♪

- ♪ Wear my love like heaven... ♪
- ♪ Wear my love... ♪

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(INHALES DEEPLY)

That was a horrible thing to do.

♪ (DRAMATIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

♪ (GOSPEL MUSIC
PLAYING OVER RADIO) ♪

COSTELLO: We're not coming.

The Lord pours scorn on the ungrateful.

There's refuge for you
in Skegness. Now, get in.

- (EXHALES) No. We live here.
- Yeah. We live here, too.

Here, ladies, get off.

Costello's staging a protest
about social cleansing.

COSTELLO: No. I'm...
I'm not. I'm... (EXHALES)

We're just not leaving.

But you should go and get a little flat,

you know, by the sea.

And get your mom and your sister
to come and stay at weekends.

You won't be on your own.

- I bet there's a God in Skegness, as well. (CHUCKLES)
- (CHUCKLES)

Right. Come on, get on.

- (DOOR SLIDES SHUT)
- (THUMPING ON DOOR)

- IRIS: Should've got on.
- Mm, no. This is our home.

IRIS: Sure doesn't feel like it.

COSTELLO: Just a couple of
city rats, hey? (CHUCKLES)

- You all right?
- Ain't I always?

So, to abort or not to
abort, that is the question.

Not to abort.

- (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- The Loneliness of the Unwed Single Mother,

- name of your memoir.
- (LAUGHS)

(SIREN WAILING IN THE DISTANCE)

You can stay at mine until
you get a place sorted

- with the council.
- Thank you.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome. Come on, babes.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Could you, um... (SNIFFLES)
... take Iris out for dinner?

GLORIA: Sure. The
practice can come in handy.

I just need to...
clear my head, I think.

Oh, babe. No, I get it. I get it.

Okay.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOORS CREAKING)

(DOOR CLOSES, LOCKS)

(SIGHS, BREATHES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES SOFTLY)

♪ (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(SIRENS WAILING DISTANTLY)

(SNIFFS)

(CELLPHONE BEEPS, CHIMES)

(LINE TRILLING)

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

SELBY: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
Day at the looney bin.

Stop all the clocks.
Cut off the telephone.

Prevent the dog from barking
with a juicy bone. (LAUGHS)

Saccharine wank!

Don't worry. I haven't
gone the full mental.

It's still a terrible poem,

- and Four Weddings is still a f*cking awful film!
- (CHUCKLES)

SELBY: (OVER VOICEMAIL)
What was it you said, Costello?

"The world is a vile place.

And neither Richard Curtis

nor W.H. Orton will ever change that."

(CHUCKLES SADLY)

SELBY: I hope to see you soon.

And I hope you and Iris are okay.

I let you down, and I'm sorry.

And right now, I can't reach you,

and it's f*cking terrifying.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪