01x13 - Past Apps

[bunniefuu]

City of New York vs. John Ott.

Mr. Ott is charged with drunk
and disorderly conduct.

Your Honor, the defendant
entered the Broadway-themed

drag show, jumped on stage,

removed his clothes, and then made off

with Josephine's Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Your Honor, this behavior
is not typical for my client.

He had a few too many Sondheim Slings

while celebrating the conclusion
of a tech project

that was years in the making.

As far as the "wardrobe" malfunction,

many said that the nudity

was tasteful and integral to the plot.

Case dismissed.

The defense has a character
witness, Your Honor.

- Brock Gallivan.
- Okay, um, Mr. Gallivan,

can you please approach the bench?

I understand that you two work together?

Uh, John's a coder for my app,
Your Honor.

An app that's gonna completely
change the way

that we fall in love.

You see, everyone wants to find
that special someone,

but dating apps make the process
tedious and superficial.

But what if it wasn't?

I'm sorry, is this the defense?

Only if it's working.

Introducing arranged marriage,

but without the vowels, so "Rrngdmrrg."

My algorithm pairs you
with exactly one person...

your perfect match.

I will now answer any questions.

No, no, no. That's not how this works.

- Gurgs?
- Sure. I'll start us off.

Are you subscription based

or will you draw income
from advertising?

What, y'all don't watch "Shark t*nk?"

Order!

This is a real court,

no matter what Yelp says.

Speaking of which, if you're
satisfied with your defense,

I could use a five-star review.

[♪]

[♪]

Could you believe that guy?

Using this court
as a targeted Instagram ad.

No, I don't want your portable,
battery-operated banana peeler.

Because I already bought two.

Yeah. There's no way
his algorithm works.

If the Internet can't help me
find pictures of shirtless

Mandy Patinkin
with an armful of baby chicks,

how's it going to help me find love?

That app sounds dumb.

Dumb is good.

Dumber the idea,
the richer it will make you.

Why throw away garbage
when I can auction it off

to lonely people?

That's eBay.

Don't tell me you're actually

buying whatever that guy is selling.

Let me tell you a story
about another guy

came through here in a hoodie
on a traffic violation.

He asked me, "Hey, do you want to get in

on the ground floor of my website?"

I look at him and I say,

"Hey, you know the fastest way
to the ground floor?"

And then I open a window.

Huge laugh.

That laugh cost me a billion dollars,

because that hoodie was wrapped

around the haunted visage
of one Mark Zuckerberg.

What would you have done
with a billion dollars?

I would find another planet

that was able to support human life,

and I would ship everybody
who isn't me there.

I'm sorry you missed out
on Facebook, Dan,

but like an annoyed tour guide
in San Francisco once told me,

"Not every guy in a hoodie
is Mark Zuckerberg."

If you're interested in investing,

you should get in on my latest
venture... Instachair.

It's Uber but for chairs.

This app puts money in your pockets

by putting butts in your seats.

Well, it's in beta now,

but there's still plenty
of equity to go around.

I... If you're renting out chairs,

- couldn't you call it ChairBNB?
- [LAUGHS]

Like I didn't already think of that.

I did not. That's a good name.

Oh, um, hi. Excuse me.

Yeah, I Instachaired your seat
and made cents.

Cha-ching!

- Couldn't it be "chair-ching"?
- [CHUCKLES]

We get it. You're good at names.

[♪]

I think Brock's app is broken.

I'm trying to prove that me
and Abby belong together,

but it keeps telling me
to just get a cat.

You think that app is going to
tell you Abby's your soulmate,

even though she's engaged, your boss,

and doesn't have a profile on the app?

- So you're saying...
- No, don't make her a profile.

You know what, this is mine now.

Exciting news.

I finally found the future
Mr. Olivia Moore.

Fine, but I'm keeping my middle name.

I just have to remember what it is.

No.

Brock, the tech douche.

I Googled him... tell me this isn't

the sexiest thing you have ever seen.

- A LinkedIn profile?
- Look at the résumé.

The blind ambition,
the complete lack of interests,

and the best part is he's not a lawyer,

so the only place
we'll have to be competitive

is in the bedroom.

And if he thinks he can
steal the covers from me,

he's dreaming.

And the second he is,
those covers are all mine.

Marilyn!

I remember.

My middle name is Marilyn.

Okay, Rand, move your head
a little closer, and...

- yep, that's it.
- Hello.

- How do I look?
- Uh, well,

it's a lot of brown,
so kind of like a UPS driver,

but how about me?

Well, I got you on my Batman standee.

I'm not gonna lie...

it's really working for me.

Makes sense.
You both look great in black.

You both fight crime at night.

And neither of you trust penguins.

So, how are things going
in the ol' court du noir?

Eh, just reviewing
some materials from this trial

- I had today with these app guys.
- Oh!

You should tell them about my app idea.

It tells you the perfect jam

to put on whatever bread you're eating.

Huh, that's weird.

This guy who was in here
pitching his app

was once convicted of fraud
for ripping off his investors.

Oh, my God!
I wasn't supposed to see that.

These records are sealed.

W... We can fix this.

I can be there in four hours.

Five. I'm gonna get lost.

Then we can go on the run.

You know I've always wanted
to dye my hair

in a gas station bathroom with you.

It's not that big a deal.

I... I'm technically allowed to see it.

I just can't tell anyone.

Oh, hey, Dan, I just need a minute.

- I'm Zooming with Rand.
- Alright, good,

so you're not doing anything important.

- Now...
- Is that Dan?

Dan! What's up, man...

Look.

I talked to Brock
and he's open to investors,

but it's a $ , minimum,

so I'm assembling
an elite group of investors.

I may not be a "whale,"

but I know how to tie
a bunch of fish together.

Meeting, cafeteria, minutes.

Did you hear that?

You have to tell him not to do that.

I know, but I'm legally not allowed

to share anything I've seen
in this sealed file.

Babe, you got to tell him not
to try and tie fish together.

Think about it.
They're far too slippery.

[♪]

And that's why I'm bringing
you this opportunity

to join the Fielding Group.

I mean, 'cause what's the point
of being fabulously wealthy

unless you can share it with the people

who are physically near you
and in possession of $ , ?

Oh, good luck.

There's all the people I care about.

Hey, do you guys want to see a fun video

of a dog doing a puzzle?

It's nuts. He starts in the middle.

I'm trying to change lives here.

No one wants to hear

about your crazy risky
financial endeavor.

It's not risky!

Brock's app is the future of...

I want to say finding a gas station.

That's not even what it does.

Who cares?

You're not investing in the product,

you're investing in the man.

Yeah, look.

Nobody had even tasted
Colonel Sanders' spicy thighs,

and they'd be just
throwing money at him.

All they knew was that he was
a twisted w*r vet

with an insatiable desire
to m*rder chickens.

We know even less about Brock.

I mean, what if he doesn't recycle, huh?

I mean, picture a dolphin with
a six-pack ring around his nose.

Brock did that.

Well, we know he's good enough
to be one half

of the next great power couple.

Have you two even had a conversation?

No.

We also haven't written each
other letters by candlelight

from the front lines of the Civil w*r.

What's your point, grandpa?

Alright, so, Olivia's in.

Neil, I take it you'll do
what everybody else does.

- I have a mind of my own.
- So Neil's in.

Come on, you guys don't need Brock.

I mean, especially you, Gurgs.

- You have all your own ideas.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

With the money she makes from this app,

you can invest in your own amazing app,

which I want to say finds gas stations.

ChairBNB rents chairs.

That's right, I changed the name,

and by being present
for the thing I just said,

you forfeit all rights
to the name and cannot sue me,

ChairBNB LLC,
its parent company GurgsCo,

or any of its subsidiaries therein.

So, Abby, your last chance
to join the Fielding Group.

Absolutely not, and...
and I'm gonna tell you why.

Uh...

Because money, right?

I mean, who needs it? Who needs it?

That's right. I said it.

I mean, all that risk and for what?

This... This jerk paper?

I mean, we spend so much time and energy

trying to get this stuff.

It's insanity.

I'm gonna leave that there
for you all to consider

as I go get some tape,

because destroying money
is a federal offense.

[♪]

Alright, what the hell's going on?

I haven't seen you this worked up

since they pulled
the Shamrock Shake early.

It should be all of March!

- [SIGHS]
- You just have to trust me.

Investing in Brock's app is a bad idea.

I can't say anything else about it.

Well, luckily you don't have to,

because I'm a master at reading people,

and you're a master at having
absolutely no poker face.

I have a poker face.

I just haven't showed it to you yet.

Alright, then. Have a seat.

Now, I am going to ask you
a series of questions.

All you need to do is respond "no."

Do you understand?

- No.
- Perfect.

Now we can start.

- Is this about Brock?
- No.

Oh! That's a big yes.

Make me work a little bit here.

- Is he a criminal?
- No.

A-ha. What kind of criminal is he?

- Are we talking theft?
- No.

- Fraud?
- No.

- dr*gs?
- No.

How did you hear about the fraud?

- Did the police tell you?
- No.

So, you accidentally read it
in a sealed file.

How did you do that?

I'm going to need a "no" from you.

- No.
- Perfect.

I have everything I need. This was fun.

We should have more conversations

where I do all the talking.

Look, I filed a motion to have
Brock's record unsealed,

which will take forever,
but now that you know,

you can tell everyone before
they throw their money away.

No.

I can't read your "no's."

- Is that a real "no."
- It's a sealed file.

It would be illegal for me to tell them.

Besides, I already RSVP'd
to the investor party.

Attire wasn't specified, so I'm
assuming "Mountain Dew casual."

Wait, you're still going to invest,

even though you know
the guy ripped people off?

Hey, you know what?
It's worth the risk for me.

You don't get a whole lot
of billion-dollar ideas

coming through here, you know.

But you're not just risking
your own money.

You're risking everyone else's.

- You're being selfish.
- Oh, am I?

Or maybe I'm being selfless,

thinking that Brock may have changed,

that he deserves a second chance,

and all the other nonsense
that you talk about.

You don't believe the nonsense
I talk about.

No. No, I don't.

But I do believe that one day,

I could be so rich
that I will never die.

[♪]

[♪]

I want you to be on your best behavior.

When you're in this room
with all these investors,

you're representing the Fielding Group.

Is that a slide?

That's actually the best case
scenario with him.

I have to go introduce myself to Brock.

I'll be co-hosting this party soon.

Hey! Use a coaster.

This isn't a zoo.

Alright, Dan, time to make some money.

Why are you dressed like a mime?

Because I'm thinking...

outside the box.

'Cause I'm not just here
to invest in Brock's ideas.

I'm pitching my own.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to attract some whales.

Uh, buddy, do me a favor.

Mash a bunch of these up
into one real hamburger.

Oh. I thought I might
see you here tonight.

Is it because you just saw me
in the lobby

- and wouldn't hold the elevator?
- Listen, if you're here to try

to talk me out of this, forget it.

- It's not gonna work.
- Not at all.

I'm just here to introduce

everyone to my new friend Esther.

She was a victim of Brock's
first app scam,

and while I can't talk about it,

she's free to say anything she wants.

Well, it's gonna take more
than that to scare

off the big minds of the Fielding Group.

Guys, help!

I'm stuck in the slide!

Just pick up your feet, man!

Wow. That is an interesting question.

Where do I see myself a year from now?

I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Well, I guess I'd have to say
that I see us

starting out own charitable
foundation in both of our names.

It'll be something to do with,
oh, I don't know, schools.

You know, I think I see my
friend at the top of the slide.

I should... I should probably go say hi.

Oh, tell him to be careful.

I saw a cool guy
get stuck up there earlier.

Yeah. It's a trap!

Oh.

Admiral Ackbar.

I'm sorry, I almost
didn't recognize you.

You know what?
Why don't I grab us a couple

blue milks from the ol' Cantina?

What do you say?

You read my mind.

I'm a Jedi after all.

- Oh!
- [LAUGHS]

What the hell is he talking about?

Those are "Star Wars" references.

- "Star Wars."
- He's a nerd.

Tech guys were indoor kids.

And Endor kids.

That's another "Star Wars" reference.

- But he'll laugh at that?
- Mm-hmm.

Give me more.

Tell me all about
the Star Battles, Fraggle Rocks.

If it contributed to your virginity,

I want to know about it.

[♪]

Let me tell you about ChairBNB.

You see this empty chair? I don't.

I see your new Tesla.

I see your second wife.

I see you with a bunch of antique dolls.

Wait, why is that your thing?

I got to tell you, Gurgs,
you have the right idea,

investing in yourself,
because you know yourself.

- There's no secret past.
- That's right.

Whatever I was doing
between the years

and are perfectly normal

and I wouldn't waste your time
looking into it.

Good to know.

Anyway, there's someone I really
want you to meet

who has a really interesting
investment story.

She should be here any min...

- Dan.
- You don't expect me to believe

that I'm the first person to
call you "Esther the Investor"?

- I...
- Esther, there you are.

And I see you've met Dan.

I was just telling my friend Esther here

that she can't dwell on the past.

That's where the cavemen live.

She has to live in the future,
where the spaceships are.

And from everything Dan's saying,

it sounds like Brock's new app
is a rocket ride to Money Town.

Wait, you're really gonna
write a check to a guy

who totally scammed you?

Dan said lightning never strikes twice.

Except for me.

I've been struck dozens of times.

All I want to say is welcome
to the team,

and I wouldn't feel bad

about getting that loan
from your sister.

I mean, come on, we know that kid

- is never gonna get into college.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

Alright, everyone,
I know my party is the coolest,

but please try and give us
your full attention.

"Do or do not.

There is no try."

"Star Wars" dialogue.

Okay, investors, who's ready
to live long and profit?

- [CHEERING]
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

The Clerk's Office... they...
they unsealed Brock's file.

I'm legally allowed to tell anyone.

Don't. Alright, look, I'll...

I'll give you a seat on the board.

You can become VP of snacks.

That means you're in charge
of all the snacks.

Fruit is not a snack.

Why do you keep fighting me on this?

Because opportunities
like this have passed me

by my entire life.

I just want this to be different.

You can't keep them in the dark.

- They deserve to know...
- [GLASS CLINKING]

... that Brock's a fraud!

The opinions expressed do not reflect

those of the Fielding Group.

[♪]

For the record, I don't

usually like to make a scene at parties.

Unless it's a crime scene at
a m*rder mystery dinner party.

That's just being a good host.

Look, I just don't want
my friends to lose their money,

so I'm sorry, Brock, but I had
to let them know the truth.

It's true.

Years ago, I committed fraud,
and I hurt a lot of people.

It was the biggest mistake of my life,

and I once had dreadlocks.

That's why some of the people
that are here tonight

are the very people that I scammed.

And tonight, I'm giving them
a piece of this company

free of charge in the hopes
that they'll forgive me.

Oh.

- You are?
- Well, except for Esther,

who is in violation
of a restraining order.

Who brought her here, by the way?

- The lightning fixed me!
- Hey! Back off!

So... [CHUCKLES]

... the important thing is you
all have the information,

and if you're looking
for another investor,

I happen to have a little money
I got from a settlement

after being kicked
by a local celebrity horse...

- Please leave.
- Okay.

And your friends, too.
You guys are all out.

But not me, right? [CHUCKLES]

I thought we were Luke and Leia.

- They're brother and sister.
- What?

Does their dad know?

Been a rough couple
of minutes, hasn't it?

I'm not sure you quite understand

what the Fielding Group can do for you.

We have access to a lot
of legal, how should I say,

resources,

and a... an evidence room
with a broken lock.

Alright, fine.
We don't even want your money.

We'll just leave. Wait, wait, I'm sorry.

Did I hear somebody say, "Stop.
Please don't leave?"

Did... Did you? No, you didn't.

Fine. We'll just leave.

We don't even want your...
I already said that.

We'll just leave! Leave.

We'll just leave! Leave.

Thunderstorms in the forecast.

[♪]

So...

have you forgiven me yet?

No.

Aw, that was a yes.

I'm getting good at this.

So you lost me a few bucks.

I've lost money before.

And not just by hilariously
insulting doe-eyed

megalomaniacs.

There're also been scams
and shifty accountants

and the occasional guy who calls

and says he's me from the future.

But this was different.

First time it happened
because someone cared about me.

Dan, I'm gonna care about you

all the way to the poor house.

I still don't know what the app did.

If it's not for gas stations,
who's it for?

Did you guys hear about Brock?

Zuckerberg bought his app
for two billion.

- That's a lot of jerk paper.
- Yeah.

Sorry you missed out
on being part of a power couple.

Eh. I still have a sh*t.

I used the app,
and it matched me with a man

who does a spot-on Austin Powers.

Maybe one day, I'll get to be...

[AS BORAT] his wife.

Oh, that's not Austin Pow...

Oh, you're all nerds.

- Is he gonna be alright?
- Yeah.

Yeah. We had a nice talk.

- He's in a really good place.
- Oh.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[♪]

Oh.

You sitting in your chair?

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Don't worry.

There's a similar chair
seven minutes away.

Hey, Gurgs, I think I figured out a way

to make it up to all of you.

- Knicks tickets.
- You're treating us

- to a Knicks game?
- Oh, no.

I... I'm gonna go to the game.

Well, technically, a bunch of games.

Here's the plan.

I'm gonna perfect a dance

that gets me on the Jumbotron.

Based on that, I'm gonna be
picked for the half-court sh*t

for a million dollars.

And the next part, that's gonna
require a little bit of luck.

- Judge, it's really okay.
- Well, tell that to Neil.

- He can't even look at me.
- Neil's not mad at you.

He can't look at you
'cause he's in love with you.

- What?
- What?

What?

I just got an alert.

My chair is available.

Oh, did she just find out
that Neil's in love with her?

[♪]