01x03 - Hot Seat

[bunniefuu]

- Hello, beautiful.

- f*ck!

Jesus Christ, you scared me.

How are you so quiet?

I'm extremely strong, but

I weigh almost nothing.

- Oh. Good for you.

- I know.

So, we have a very full

"Molly" day scheduled.

I have all of your favorite

activities through 8:00 p.m.

at which point I will drop

you back off at your bed

where you can get

your traditional 11 and

a half hours of beauty rest. You ready?

Thank you for being here for me today.

I am ready.

Am I doing it right?

- Yeah, babe. You're, um, crushing it.

- Really?

You should be the teacher, not me.

God, Ryan Gosling renovating a

house. Why can't this be every movie?

Yeah. Gosling's whatever,

but I'm here for Sam Shepard.

I love a man that looks like he

came straight out of a f*cking bog.

Mm-hmm.

All you, Marisol. Oh, yeah!

Yours.

g*dd*mn it, Marisol!

I thought the knee surgery was

going to increase your mobility.

Where'd you get it done? In urgent care?

Hey, you ready?

You got three b*tches in

here ready for a sunset walk.

I I'll be right there.

Just need to pee.

Okay.

- You have been through a lot this year.

- Oh, I have.

Yeah, it's been hard on everyone.

You know, I don't care what anyone

says. Divorce is really difficult.

But I wouldn't change a

thing about what's happened.

No regrets.

It seems you've grown a lot

just in the conversation

we've had so far.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

And I wanna thank you

for your vulnerability.

I think that's really brave of you.

- Are you f*cking joking?

- Yeah. Me too.

- We're just soul mates.

- Yeah.

Every day, he teaches me something new.

And I'm teaching him too. Windsurfing.

Oh, she has incredible balance.

I almost never fall.

So tell me,

what do you think about

the journey Molly's on now,

with her foundation?

It's got a sizable

endowment, thanks to you.

Yeah, Molly. Uh, well,

she has a really big heart.

It's gonna be a challenge.

I mean, she's never done anything

like this before, and I have to say,

it's a bit more complicated

than organizing a cocktail party,

which she's great at.

Uh, I'm just not sure that she knows

entirely what she's

getting herself into,

- but I wish her the best.

- Wish me the best? f*ck you, dude.

What are you doing?

Uh I'm just, uh

I'm using the bathroom.

I know what you're watching,

and you need to stop it.

Put down the phone.

No, no. I'm-I'm-I'm not

I'm not watching anything.

Molly, open the door.

Hi. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

I am just being thorough. I'm

trying to get everything out.

- Okay.

- And then after I'm done in here,

I'm gonna find out where John

is, I'm gonna go to that location,

- and I am gonna m*rder him in his sleep.

- I knew it.

I knew it. Give me the phone.

- No. Never!

- Come

Okay, everyone, let's address

the elephant in the room.

I did see John's interview last

night, and at first, I was furious,

but then when I woke up this

morning, I was even more furious.

However, now, talking

about it to all of you,

I'm reaching some third level of

anger that I didn't even know existed.

You know what? You should be

angry. That sh*t was ridiculous.

Thank you.

Okay, we were trying to

bring the levels down.

Why? They gave John and his

mistress 45 full minutes.

The baby who got stuck on the

telephone pole only got seven.

Yeah, I-I normally don't

use language like this,

but his shirt was as ugly

as his business policies.

Damn, Arthur. You write that

joke just for this meeting?

When I thought of it, I felt

like I was a regular Ray Romano.

I don't know who that is.

Thank you, guys, for supporting me.

You'll be happy to know

that I'm hitting back at him.

- Good.

- Yeah, what do you mean?

Well, people have always

asked me to do interviews,

and I usually say no

until last night.

I had quite a bit of wine,

- and I said yes to, like, ten of them.

- Three bottles.

- Which ones?

- Um, there's a range of them.

I mean, he said I don't

know what I'm doing,

so I need to prove I have substance.

60 Minutes? Anderson Cooper? NPR?

Molly, this sh*t is really advanced.

They are going to ask you

really tough questions.

Good. I can handle it.

I'm not gonna take this sitting down.

- He doesn't get to say that about me.

- Okay. I hear you.

When's the first one?

- Tomorrow.

- Oh, my God.

We need to prep you.

You need to learn about every

single thing we deal with here.

Wonderful. Great. I do have a

microneedling appointment at 3:30,

and judging from the look on your face,

we're gonna need to cancel that.

- Okay, but can I still go?

- No one goes anywhere.

This is our mission today.

We are going to get his ass.

Baby, you didn't have to

come all the way down here

to bring me my lunch.

- I wanted to see you.

- Mm-hmm. Let me see.

- Ooh, it looks yummy.

- You look yummy.

- Ooh.

- Ooh.

- Mm-hmm. Now I'm full from kisses.

- Mmm.

You crazy. Bye.

You have got to help me. Me

and Tanya are on the rocks.

What? Wh-when she got here, you

guys made out for, like, 25 minutes

in the middle of the

office, which was a choice.

Yeah, but there was

so much hidden tension.

She didn't call me "Boo-Boo" the whole

time she was here,

and that is a bad sign.

I'm worried it's got something to

do with our eight-year anniversary.

Oh, my God. Eight years.

Yeah, and each year, I've been

able to romantically outdo myself.

Like last year, I got her an anklet,

and we went to Chili's. The good

one. Not the one in the mall.

So this year needs to be perfect.

And Tanya is a very visual person.

And you're very stylish, so I need

you to tell me what I should wear.

Look. What do you think?

Um, okay.

There are cartoon characters

on all of these T-shirts.

What? Goku is not a cartoon character.

He is an anime martial artist.

Okay, fine. Whatever. Uh, listen.

Not that I care, because

I definitely don't,

but don't wear any of

those T-shirts, okay?

Buy something new, something adult.

It'll show her that you

think the dinner is special.

And by doing that, you'll show

her that you think she's special.

You're so good at this. I mean,

are all your relationships,

like, perfect?

Yes. And none of them

have lasted over 72 hours.

So we made these binders that explain

every organization that we partner with.

And I made you some color-coded

flash cards, if that helps.

Okay. That's not so bad.

I can get through this.

Uh, well, Rhonda's bringing in the rest.

It's okay, I got it. I got it.

Oof.

Uh, is there a movie version

of this stuff I can watch?

Nope. You should get

going. Clock's ticking.

Okay. So, let me give you a

massage before you start. I

Um, Rhonda. We had a meeting about this.

Wha

I just don't see how we

get to know each other

without the power of touch.

Is it me? It's me. I

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

Yikes.

Come in.

- Hey there.

- Hi.

Oh, looks like you're

making some good progress.

Oh, thanks. I'm I'm getting there.

Hey, I, uh, saw that you've

been holding those binders

pretty far away from

your face to read them.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Do you mind trying

something for a second?

Oh. Y-You know what, I

don't I don't need those.

Just Just give them

a try for a second.

Just for a sec.

Mm-hmm.

Holy f*cking shitballs.

- I

- I can see everything.

It's like I'm a superhero.

Look, there's the pen I couldn't find.

I know. It's like magic, you know.

Oh, my gosh. Do you have blond eyebrows?

Yes.

I don't think I've ever

seen that on an adult man.

Well, it's not natural.

I do have to bleach them. Yep.

Well, it's really working for you.

- Well, thank you very much.

- Okay.

And keep the glasses, okay?

- I've got four more pairs in my desk.

- Oh.

I don't mean to brag, but

I have a Costco membership.

- Oh, my God. Costco? Excuse me.

- Mm-hmm.

Can you get me in?

I don't know.

You have to have $75 and a photo ID.

- Oh, then I'm out.

- Yeah. I figured.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

I love you.

- I love you.

- Oh, I love you.

I love you.

Oh, well, then that's such a

good thing, because I love you.

- I love you.

- Bye.

- She is pissed.

- What are you talking about?

You were just saying how

much you loved each other.

Okay, well, I guess

when you go to the movies

you only pay attention to the

exact words being said on-screen.

There's deeper meaning between

the lines. It is called subtext.

Okay, fine. Whatever.

Can I get back to

catfishing my ex's dad now?

No. Although that

does sound interesting.

It is.

- I think I'm falling in love with him.

- Okay, well, anyway, look.

I made a reservation at Cheesecake

Factory for our anniversary,

and then all of a sudden,

Tanya's telling me that's

not romantic enough.

I mean, what is she talking about?

All the waiters wear ties,

there's candles on every table,

and it's so loud in there

no one can hear you fart.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna

side with Tanya on this one.

Okay. Where would you wanna go?

You should definitely take

her someplace new. Okay?

Having new experiences with

a partner brings you closer.

It's a big part of growing

and evolving together.

That's amazing.

You You are really good at this.

And thank you again.

I'm I'm gonna do that.

And good luck to you

and, uh, Mr. Fitzgerald.

Says I can call him Dan now.

Okay, I'm heading home, guys.

What's the average rent of a

two-bedroom apartment in LA county?

$2,545. Double the national average.

- Correct.

- Yes!

Aw, thanks, everybody.

I've learned a lot today.

The world is in a much, much

worse place than I thought it was,

and that's a real bummer, but I'm

still pumped for these interviews.

Guys, just don't make a big deal

out of it. It's just a CW show.

Are you kidding me? You play a vampire

who protects humans from other vampires.

That's amazing. It's so

psychologically complex.

Mmm, yeah. I mean, of course you got it.

You're Paul. You get

everything you want.

Congratulations.

Cheers.

Thanks, boys.

Sorry, I I think I have to take this.

Mmm.

Hello, who is this?

Oh, thank God. This

is a walking emergency.

Howard? What the hell?

I-Is this a work thing?

Oh, no, it's not a work thing.

I'm just in a crisis right now.

I mean, Tanya and I are at that

restaurant that you suggested,

and our server is Danielle.

Why aren't you reacting

in horror right now?

Because I don't know who that is.

Ooh. Danielle is Tanya's cousin,

who I went on a date with when

Tanya and I were on a break.

But Tanya doesn't know that.

I mean, I'm stuck in some

Dangerous Liaisons sh*t.

Okay. Howard, listen

to me. I can't help you.

We are not at work, okay?

I am out right now with my hot

white gay friends who I kinda hate.

This is completely inappropriate.

My off time is sacred.

You need to lose my number.

All right, man.

Look, I get it. We're just work friends.

I'll go ahead and

delete your number, man.

Okay, How

- Molly, you have a guest here.

- I do?

Oh.

Sofia, hey. What are you doing here?

Is she getting paid overtime

for being here after 5:00?

I I hope it's okay that I came by.

When I was driving home, I realized

that we probably didn't go over

the California Clean

Air Initiative enough.

- Oh.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, we can run it again.

Really, all of this climate

change stuff needs a brush up.

All right. Well, I was going

to have a massage and a bath.

- Mm-mmm.

- But I guess it can wait.

Uh, do you want something to eat?

Sure. W-what do you have?

Anything.

I'm not joking. You can

literally ask for anything,

and they'll make it.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, how about a a chicken

potpie and a cherry Slurpee?

I'm supposed to sh**t this

indie thing in Alabama.

The script is pretty good, but

it's 110 degrees there right now,

and they don't sell alcohol on Sundays.

What a nightmare.

Yes, I know. That's

why I'm saying it, Paul.

I am so sorry. I think I

have to go make a phone call.

Be right back.

Right.

- Should we eat his dessert?

- Definitely.

- Yeah? All right. Oh, my gosh. Yum.

- Mmm.

Yo, if this is the guy I sold my PS5 to,

the controllers were like

that when I bought it.

It's Nicholas.

See, I told you I'd delete

your number, and I did.

I'm a man of my word.

So, listen, Howard.

I think, um I think you should

tell Tanya the truth about Danielle.

Yeah, it's it's gonna be hard,

and she's probably not going to like it,

but you should just rip

the Band-Aid off now.

Okay? It's best to be honest.

You know, and she'll understand.

And if she doesn't, then that's on her.

That's really good advice.

My other friend, Paris,

he told me I should just try to

get with both of them tonight.

And I knew that was wrong.

So, thanks a lot,

Nicholas. I appreciate you.

Don't mention it.

So, do you have anything I

could help you with right now?

No.

Okay.

Mmm.

This is the best Slurpee I've ever had.

David Chang makes them with real

cherries from Washington State.

Okay.

Black carbon, methane, reduces

warming by 2050 from 0.4 to

I don't remember.

I don't remember any of this.

It's okay. Let's go over it again.

Can we just Can we take a

break? I need to stretch my legs.

Would you like a tour?

Yes, I definitely do.

This place is crazy.

If I just say the word

"beignets," will some show up?

Hmm, what's in here?

This is John's old office.

- I don't come in here very often.

- Mm-hmm.

I was always jealous of kids who grew up

with a lot of books in their house.

That section is mostly

books he wrote himself.

Damn, this is dense.

It's all numbers.

Well, he is credited with creating three

different computer

programming languages.

Yeah, he's an assh*le, but

he's definitely not dumb.

Maybe we should get back to studying.

Yeah, we gotta hit those books hard.

Ugh, we were supposed

to leave ten minutes ago.

Okay, she said she was on her way,

but she's not picking up her cell.

Maybe she got stuck in traffic.

She owns multiple helicopters.

I'm calling her again.

- Hey.

- Where are you?

I'm not going to do Anderson Cooper.

Or any of the other interviews.

I canceled them. I'm sorry.

What?

- I was thinking last night.

- You canceled?

I I'm not going to do well at

some dry fancy-pants interview.

I That's John's thing.

I I can't compete with him on that.

Well, just come in to the office,

and we can talk about this.

Well, I can't.

I'm actually about to do

another show right now.

And I think it's a

little bit more my style,

and I really feel like it's

gonna get people on my side.

What's the other show?

Welcome to Hot Ones, the show with

hot questions and even hotter wings.

And today we're joined by billionaire

philanthropist Molly Wells,

who's here to talk about some

of her incredible charity work.

Molly, welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for having me.

I am so excited to talk about the

foundation, and to eat some "wangs."

Okay, great. Well, we'll start with

the Howler Monkey original hot sauce.

Okay. This is so exciting.

Mmm. Tasty.

This is good. Mmm.

So, the Wells Foundation.

Tell me about some of

the things that your

organization is focused on specifically.

Of course. One of the things that

we're very passionate about is

Ugh, oh.

Oh. Wow.

That one's got a little a

little heat to it, doesn't it?

My goodness. I'm just

gonna have a little.

Yeah, are you okay?

I'm good.

I'm good. Excuse me.

Uh, the-the cost of

living in Los Angeles is

Fucker.

I'm so sorry. It's so hot.

That's the first one?

Yeah, the Howler Monkey only has

a Scoville rating of about 600.

We actually have nine more wings to go.

Nine? Oh.

Let's move on. Hopefully you'll

like this one a little bit more.

I'm sure I will.

Okay. That one hit right away.

- That one has a little bit of a kick.

- Mm-hmm, you think so?

So, what inspired you to become

more involved with charity?

- Sean, I'ma need you to do me a favor.

- Anything.

- I'm gonna need you to shut the f*ck up.

- Got it.

All right, so this next

sauce, the Dragon's Breath

I'm out of beer.

Girl with the beer,

come here. Come here.

has a Scoville rating

of more than 155,000.

Thank you. I love you. Okay.

Keep talking. It's cool.

I'm just gonna pour

the milk right into it.

All right,

so we're getting into serious territory.

Oh, God!

So it seems like your ex-husband has

been supportive of your efforts

Hey, f*ck that m*therf*cker.

- So, things are not great?

- Good one, Sean.

What did you go to? f*cking school?

If that assh*le hadn't cheated on me,

I wouldn't be on your stupid-ass show

getting my f*cking

face melted off eating

these little tiny spicy pieces of sh*t

while blowing my f*cking shorts

out on f*cking national television!

It's it's a YouTube

show. But I get you.

I don't give a f*ck what the f*ck it is!

Are you ready to move on to the

next sauce, Caribbean Scorch?

Shoes coming off.

Let me tell you something, Sean.

I have $87 billion.

I could buy you and this whole

studio and every m*therf*cker in it.

And I could shut it the f*ck down.

I could k*ll everybody in

here and get away with it.

All right. I think maybe

we should wrap this up.

I don't need anything.

I don't need anybody.

I have 11 houses, m*therf*cker.

Hey, dude. You busy?

Mmm, yes. Very.

Well, I'm sorry, but this cannot wait.

You were totally right the other night.

I mean, Tanya and I,

we had a hard convo.

But she totally respected my honesty.

And then later that night in

her bedroom, we were intimate.

Oh, anyway, I got you a little

token of my appreciation.

Who is she?

Vegeta from Dragon Ball

Z. Prince of the Saiyans?

Come on. Don't tell me

you don't know Vegeta.

I don't know what any

of those words mean.

Okay, well, you're Vegeta and I'm Goku.

Friendly rivals turned great friends,

but still very wary of each other.

That's the strongest kind

of friendship, a weird one.

"Kamehameha!"

That's his catchphrase.

Molly, the very intense lady is back.

Thank you, Marisol.

I take that as a compliment, by the way.

Look, I know I screwed up,

so whatever it is that

you're here to say to me,

just go ahead and say it.

I didn't come over

here to give a speech.

I actually came over here to apologize.

- What?

- Look, don't get me wrong.

You embarrassed yourself.

You gotta stop saying you could

k*ll everyone and get away with it.

Let's make that a rule moving forward.

Okay. Okay, you're right.

But yesterday wasn't all your fault.

You were ready for those

interviews, but I didn't trust you.

I came over here, and I

pushed you way too hard.

I made it worse.

Look, I appreciate that. I really do.

I just think if anyone

screwed me up, it wasn't you.

- Hmm.

- It was John.

He said I don't know what I'm doing.

And maybe I don't

know what I'm doing.

Let me ask you a question.

Why do you care about what

that guy thinks about anything?

Listen, I know he's a f*cking assh*le.

But you saw all those books he wrote.

His whole empire, this thing that

he built, it's so intimidating.

Uh-uh, whatever.

These guys always act like they do

everything by themselves,

but they don't.

You should know that better than anyone.

Yeah. I mean,

I did pay our rent

the first two years he

was getting the company off the ground.

And I designed the original

logo. The new one looks like

- A d*ck.

- Yeah.

All I'm saying is he's

no better than you.

And if we're doing this together,

you need to get him out of your head.

I'll try.

- Thanks for coming by.

- Yeah, of course.

Mm-hmm.

Go ahead. I know you wanna do it.

Shrimp lo mein and a Shirley Temple.

It'll be here in seven minutes.

Hi, Molly.

Thanks for doing this.

I thought we could start by talking

about the housing shortage here in LA.

Okay.

I'm ready.