01x05 - Halsa

[bunniefuu]

"Spinning Away" playing...

Morning.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- Got it. Thank you.
- That's very dangerous, sir.

I've seen that arm
almost cut someone in half.

Yes. I'm sorry.

Uh, thank you for stopping.

A-And thank you for, um, your service.

Hip-hop song playing...

Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were in here.
I'll come back.

Oh, no. You don't have to leave.
No, I'm... You can...

I mean, I'll be done in a second.

- These machines, huh?
- Mmm. Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Technology.

Uh, do you know that
the Spanish word for coffee is el café?

Yeah. I mean, I fig...

- Yeah, I guess I heard that somewhere.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean,
maybe the coffee machine needs coffee.

What do you mean?

- Um, you know what? I'm just gonna…
- Yeah, or I can... Yep.

No, I got it. I'm good.

Okay. Enjoy.

Yep.

I'm sorry, Sofia. I-I asked Rhonda
to double-check everything.

Which was a mistake.

I'm not a close reader.
I'm more of a dancer and artist.

I asked you both to stay on top of this.

I should be fired. I deserve it.

I can move back to Connecticut
and marry Trevor. It's fine.

Maybe he'll get less stupid
as time goes on.

Wait. No one is getting fired.
What's going on here?

What's going on here is

that we just gave a lot of your money
to Alameda Community College,

but 40% went to executive salaries,
not to the students who need it.

We missed it in the contract.

Um, Sofia,
were you wearing that yesterday?

Did you sleep here?

I was here all night,
but I definitely didn't sleep,

because I have no support,
and I have to do everything myself.

Okay. Look,
it's obvious we all need a break, okay?

Everyone, gather up your stuff.

We are going to take a mental health day.

What? No. We can't just leave.
This is work, and we're Americans.

She's right. It's our national duty
to stay here and be miserable.

That's ridiculous.

Look, if there's one thing
that rich people know a great deal about,

it's self-care.

I once took six baths in one day

in three different countries.

I'm very proud of that.

Sofia, throw some deodorant on.

We're gonna ride together.
I'll see you in five.

Oh, God.

Okay, he's got kind eyes.
What about that guy?

Ugh. He's wearing a hat
in, like, every photo.

He's probably bald or worse.

Mmm, we got no time for hat-fishers.

Next.

And another gay guy with a niece.
How original.

You didn't do any of the work.
Your sister did.

What about that guy you've been
talking to for, like, three weeks?

Uh, he's cute, but he's a little clingy.

I mean, last week he left me a voice mail.
And it's like, "What?"

You mind if I give you some advice
as a guy who's been happily pre-engaged

- for eight years?
- Okay.

You gotta figure out
why you're even on these apps.

Is it about the guy or the game?

'Cause you're not gonna meet someone real
if it's about the game.

Yeah.

What time is it anyway? I'm starving.

Man, there's no bosses here.
Let's just go.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Would you, uh, gentlemen like a third?

A third what?

Oh, it's just... I wanna, um... I was...

Can... Well, can I come with you?

I guess. I mean, don't you normally go to
the park with your sad little lunch box?

I do. I was just thinking
today I would, uh, hang with the boys.

All right. Fine.

Just please follow our lead
conversation-wise.

Where you lead, I shall follow, Captain.

- Mmm.
- Okay, you tell me

if you feel that was a good start.

Molly.

Greta.

Welcome back.

- And welcome home.
- Thank you.

Okay. I am not joining your cult.

I'll join.

This is not a cult. This is Halsa.

It's my favorite spa in all of LA.

I've read about this place. Their
membership wait list is five years long.

Mmm. Yes, but we got in right away.

Okay, how long is this all
going to take?

Who knows? Time has no meaning here.

She's right, of course.

This is a haven
from the rest of the world.

Although we do actually need
an updated credit card from you.

Oh. Yes, of course.

I have to get back
to the office soon, and I...

Sofia, relax. This is why we're here.

You are under way too much stress.

We are here to forget about our problems
and have a great time.

Breathe in these calming essential oils.

Okay. I can see why people do this.

It feels like
I'm on the Avatar planet right now.

That means she likes it.

That feels amazing. What is this?

Mmm. Just like Waikiki.

No. It's not.

You're not gonna believe this,

but this place makes
an incredible grilled cheese.

Best in the city.

Oh, we will not be needing those.

- Three grilled cheese sandwiches, please.
- Okay, sure.

And, um, I... I'm gonna o-order a beer.

You guys want a beer?

Okay, weirdo. What's going on?
What's wrong with you?

- Are you dying?
- No. Nothing is wrong.

It's just...
Hey, our bosses are out of the office.

What's wrong with having a little fun?
Having some beers with my two compadres?

Okay. The vibe is so weird right now.

I haven't felt this way

since my parents told me
they were getting divorced again.

Let's get those beers so we can calm down.

Great. Yes, uh, three beers.

Something like a Amstel Light,
but less exotic.

Okay. I'll see what we have.

That did not help me relax.

Ah, I can feel myself detoxifying.

I had half a glass
of white wine last night,

and this mask
is totally getting rid of my hangover.

What's in it?

Aloe, collagen,

and some 2,000-year-old volcanic soil
from Pompeii.

Obviously, that was a tragedy,

but it's cool
something good could come from it.

Oh, my God. I can't believe this is
how wide my jaw is supposed to open.

It looks like
you're finally understanding self-care.

You know what? I think I am.

Ainsley, Rhonda,
I wanna apologize for this morning.

I shouldn't have come at you like that.
I was obviously stressed and tired.

You weren't terribly wrong.
We did mess up.

Everyone messes up sometimes.

Most days, you two do really good work.

I just wanna let you know that.

Thank you, dear.

Thank you for taking us here, Molly.

This was a really good idea.
I think the team needed this.

- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.

Aw, you guys. Don't worry about it.

Anytime.

♪ I'll be there for you ♪

- ♪ When the rain starts... ♪
- We're not gonna sing, Ainsley.

Okay. Got it. Yep.

Okay. Howard, this is
a horrible grilled cheese sandwich.

Okay, I'm remembering now.

This is not
the grilled cheese sandwich place.

This is the place
where Tanya and I got bad food poisoning.

Mmm. She really embarrassed me that night.

Aw.

Yeah… …going to dinner
with a special someone can be so nice.

What are you talking about?

Something is definitely going on.
Just tell us what's bothering you.

Oh, I mean, it... It's nothing major.

It's just, when you get to my age,

you start to realize that the end
is closer than the beginning.

- Oh, wow. That's where you're starting?
- No, I get it.

I mean, I'm always worried I'm gonna die
before the Fast and the Furious saga ends,

and I gotta know
if la familia sticks together.

I'm... I'm realizing
that I have reached a point in my life

where I want some companionship again.

I heard you guys talking about dating,
so I thought I would ask if…

…if you had any advice.

Hmm. Okay.
Well, I really don't like vulnerability,

but I love to tell people what to do,
which is basically what advice is.

So, yeah, I'm in.

Well, I'm in. I love helping people.

I mean, I introduced my cousin J.J.
to his wife,

and let's just say
I need to get it right this time.

- Okay.
- So, show us your dating apps.

Okay, um, I... Yeah, I don't have any.

What? Okay, give me your phone.
I'll download what you need.

Oh. Great. Okay.

All right.
So, we're gonna start with a bio.

Something, you know, funny and sassy
but not too funny.

And also keep it short,

but sum up your entire life
in, like, nine words or less.

Okay. Um, okay.

I like…

Outside, daughter, love.

- We're gonna handle the writing.
- Yep.

Hey, Molly.
Is it okay if we keep these robes?

I feel like
I'm being hugged by a polar bear.

Yes, honey. Of course you can.

Shut your beautiful face.

- Moll-Doll? Hey!
- Molly!

What are you doing here? I thought
you were gonna be at your work thingy now.

Well, I decided to treat my coworkers
to a spa day.

Oh, my God! Cute!

- Hi. Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, it's so good to see you guys.
I've missed you.

We haven't seen each other in so long.

Ugh. God, I know.
I've been slammed up the butt lately.

Ever since we came back from Florence,
all hell broke loose.

Like, "Life, can you give me a minute?"

But we said when we get back to LA,
we have to call you.

- Mm-hmm.
- Aw.

Wait. So... So, were you guys
in Florence together?

Uh, yeah, yeah.
It was the, um... the annual wives' trip.

Right! Oh, my gosh.

- Yes, of course, the annual wives' trip.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean,
I'm not technically John's wife anymore,

but that doesn't mean
that you guys can't go,

but, I mean, we're still friends,

so why wouldn't we still
go on trips together?

I mean… …right?

What? What is it?

Honey, we just... We just thought
it would be awkward for you.

Yeah.

What would be awkward?

Wait, was Hailey on the trip?

Well, sh... I mean, she was on...

- She was on part of it.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- Uh.
- It was random.

We were going to meet the boys
in Rome after,

and... and John
really wanted to bring Hailey.

And Phil, I mean, I love him,

but he's…
…such a dumb f*cking idiot.

He told John that Hailey could go.

So, it wasn't ideal,
but, you know, we kind of had to.

- Right, right. Sure. I mean, I get it.
- Yeah.

- I... I totally understand.
- Well, I mean, whatever.

Let's get breakfast next week. Okay?

- OG girls.
- Yes!

- Sure.
- Okay, perfect.

And... And by the way, I just have to say,

- I love your coworkers.
- Oh.

I mean, what a diverse group.
I love that. Yes!

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

I'm gonna call you next week,
whether you like it or not. Okay?

- Yes.
- Love you.

- Love you.
- You look amazing.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Age?

- Forty-five.
- Forty-one.

- Height?
- 5'11".

6'2".

If you say you're 5'11",
that means you're actually 5'4".

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, okay.

Okay, favorite book?

- Jurassic Park.
- Nope. I said "book." That's a movie.

Okay. We're gonna leave that blank.
I think it's hotter that way.

Mmm, I can see that.

All right, if you could invite one person
to dinner, who would it be?

Ooh, um, hmm.

Okay. If the person spoke a dead language,

would there be
some universal translator device?

Oh, my God.

LeBron, Oprah, Khaleesi, and you, babe.

Jesus Christ, being straight is so easy.

Yeah, I-I just feel like we're being
a little dishonest in this profile.

What do you think dating is, dude?

It's all about being dishonest.

I mean, you lie online
and then again in person.

I've been with Tanya for eight years,

and she's still never seen me
with my shirt off.

Do you want our help or not?

Yes, I... Yes.

This is now my second-favorite place
after Disneyland.

I hope I can come back here 479 times.

Tida, you are an artist.

Hey, Molly's been gone for a while.
Do you think she's all right?

She said she was going to the bathroom.

Tida, I'll... I'll be back in a second.

Hi. Just a plain soda water, please.

I... I will, uh, still take the umbrella,
if you have it.

You sure you don't want a double?

I'm just trying to keep hydrated.

Yeah, I had a cerveza over there
with my friends, so…

Cerveza? Hablas español?

Oh. I'm sorry. I... I don't know Spanish.

Um, but I am learning.

Muy early. I'm just on tape two.

Well, your pronunciation's not bad.

- Oh.
- What else you got?

Okay. Um,
I can tell you about being at a zoo.

Uh…

Honestly, I can just list animals.

Hey, it's a start.

I'm Chelsea, by the way.

Arthur. It's nice to meet you.

You too.

Thank you.

Please. It is not a big deal.

She threw my sh*t into a hot tub.
I saw her.

- It was an accident.
- No, it was not an accident.

Phil hitting that guy in Ireland
with his car, that was an accident.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe I did kick some of your stuff in,
but you deserved it.

What... What were you doing,
going on a trip with Hailey?

What kind of a friend does that?

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

That is... That is unhinged.

Molly, you know that
Halsa has a zero negative energy policy.

I know that. Don't you think I know that?

You need to say that to her.

I think you know what I have to do.

We've come to the end of the road here.

I funded the entire aromatherapy wing.

There is a scent named after me.

It smells like plumeria
and blueberry muffins.

I'm sorry, but I have to do this.

We're gonna go ahead
and charge you for the rest of the month,

but then rescind your membership.

Fine.

We should go.

Oh, perfect timing.
We just finished your profile.

I added that you were a cast member
on Road Rules, Semester at Sea.

Don't worry about it.

I... I so appreciate
you gentlemen helping me with this,

but I don't feel comfortable
with the lies.

I'm gonna delete it.

Oh, God.
Helping people is such a waste of time!

- You work at a charity.
- Not by choice.

It was great to meet you, Arthur.

I'm free next week for dinner.
Text me anytime.

Okay, great. Take care, Chelsea.

Who the hell was that?

Just a woman I met at the bar.

We hit it off, so I asked her out.

- IRL?
- I'm sorry, IR what?

Oh, wow. That is very old-school.

I am impressed. Shook, but impressed.

Okay, this calls for another round.

Three more beers, please!

Oh, and I'll take
another bad grilled cheese!

No. Your butt.

Guys, I just want to say I'm sorry

for having a full-on mental breakdown
during our mental health day.

It's okay. Don't be too hard on yourself.

- I ruined Halsa for you guys.
- No, you didn't.

I like that I have one soft foot
and one crusty one now.

It makes me interesting.

You know, the messed-up thing is,

I don't even really like Jacinda
that much.

She was just a part of John's life,
and I... I think I just got used to her.

And now he's gone,
and my old friends are gone.

Halsa's gone.

I... I just feel like
an outdated model of a car or something.

No, you are not an outdated model.

When I look at you,
I see a new and improved model.

Yes. You're like a sleek, beautiful Buick.

Okay. That's a weird car to pick,
but I agree.

You have so much going for yourself.

- And you're just getting started.
- That's right.

Oh, thanks.

You'll have new friends, a new spa.

- You'll get a new guy too. I know it.
- Yes.

I don't know.

I think my dating days are behind me.

What? No, don't say that.

You are beautiful.
You must have a ton of men after you.

Maybe.

Malcolm Glad well keeps texting me
New Yorker articles and saying,

"This made me think of you."

And then I text back exclamation points,
but I don't read the article.

- Is that flirting?
- No, definitely not. That's nothing.

Forget him.
There's tons of nice guys out there.

You'll meet one
when you're not even expecting it,

and everything will just click.

You're right. I think. Maybe.

What do you say we drink up?

- Yes!
- Yes! Arriba!

Hello?

- Hey.
- Hey, there you are.

Howard, Nicholas.

They have returned
from the place that... that they were at.

The boss b*tches are back, respectfully.

Oh, sh*t.

Are you guys drunk?

Mmm. We had some alcohol at lunch.

I'm sorry. I never do stuff like this.

No, it's... it's okay.

- Us girls went and got a drink too.
- Oh.

We saw the craziest thing.
We had to celebrate.

This maverick right here,

he asked out a girl
who was sitting at the bar.

- IRL?
- Yeah, and she was beautiful too.

Or, I'm sorry, muy caliente.
I can say that 'cause I'm gay.

- No, you can't.
- But the alliance!

Wow, that's cool.

No, that's…

I'm so happy for you. Proud of you.
Great job.

Thanks.

Okay.

Okay, why don't we all just go home,
since everyone's drunk?

See everyone tomorrow.

And terrible day.

Let's not do this again.
We're supposed to be professionals.

Good night, guys.

"Spinning Away" playing...