01x06 - The Philanthropic Humanitarian Awards

[bunniefuu]

Coming out!

What the hell?

Ooh! Don't hurt 'em, Miss Liz.

Thank you!

- The AC guy call back yet?
- Nope.

Unbelievable. One more hour
and I try to fix it myself.

Holy f*cking sh*t!

Come on, people. Energy up!

Rib cage! Shoulders down, everyone!

Hello?

This is she.

Are you serious?

Yes! Oh!

Over 150 local organizations
were shocked this morning

when they received generous financial
gifts from billionaire Molly Wells.

Wells is using her immense wealth

to fund Southern California
outreach programs.

The gifts were unsolicited
and caught the recipients by surprise.

This money is going to improve the lives
of so many LGBTQ youth.

I can't believe this happened to us.

I'm so thankful! Whoo!

The former wife
of CEO John Novak said in a statement

that this morning's activity
is just a start,

and more financial help is on the way.

Quite a nice day
for these deserving folks.

Wow.

Congratulations, you guys.
Molly, I gotta hand it to you.

These surprise donations
were a genius idea.

Thanks.

It's a new feeling to be watching myself
on TV for something positive.

I am so proud of us, guys.
Cheers, everyone!

In other news, 18 severed feet were found
in a basement in Ohio…

Oh, no, no, no. Don't cheers to that.
Cheers to the thing before.

Oh, my God. Molly. Molly. Mol...
Oh, this is huge.

I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news.

The good news is
we got invited to a super fancy party.

- Well, what's the bad news?
- Everyone here got invited too.

Oh.

I'm being recognized for something
the "Philanthropic Humanitarian Awards"?

The Mannies? For real?

Yeah. It says I'm receiving
the "Marjorie Pendleton Foster Award."

Who's that?

She was a famous philanthropist.

She used her family's oil fortune
to build a lot of orphanages.

Oh!

Before throwing herself
in front of a train.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Who cares about any of that?

It's a black-tie affair at a fancy hotel.

I mean, we're back.

Oh, wow. The celebration is catered.

A vegetarian option.
Well, that's considerate of them.

Ooh! It says they have lobster
and prime rib.

I mean, I love surfboard turf.

You know, I've been to plenty
of award ceremonies,

but it was always
because John was winning something.

I mean, I'm happy for you.

But should we be going
to the Mannies though?

What? Why are you like this? Why?

I mean, it's kind of messed up

to watch a bunch of billionaires
give each other golden statues.

But we've been working really hard.

- And who doesn't like a free prime rib?
- Yeah.

Then it's settled.

We're dressing up. We're eating lobster.

We are going to a fancy party

to celebrate putting
this shitty year behind me!

- Okay, but let's remember that...
- No! You will not ruin this for me.

- Okay. It's okay. We're going.
- It's okay, baby. It's okay.

Go, go.

Shh. It's okay. It's okay. I know.

You really think I can pull this off?

I have never been more sure
of anything in my life.

Okay. I'm coming out.

Oh, my God.

This is everything.

Ah, you are a phoenix
rising out of the ashes.

You look so beautiful in this,

you are this close
to penetrating my gay seal.

It does feel good, you know,

being recognized for something
other than just being divorced.

Yeah. And you deserve it.

- How's the speech coming along?
- Great.

"As many of you know,
I've been through a lot this year.

And in that journey,
I have found a way to mend.

Philanthropy is, at its core,
all about healing others.

But it's also about healing myself."

Oh, my God! Powerful, much?

- Did you write this?
- Oh, God. No. I hired a speechwriter.

I mean, look at me in this dress.
Do I look like a writer?

- No, you don't. And thank God for that.
- Right?

Can you imagine?

"Um, I think the comma should go
over there, not here."

"Oh, words, words, words.

I have no way
of communicating with people."

"Let's workshop this piece
I'm working on right now."

Oh, God. That's too real.

- I took it too far.
- Yeah.

Wow.

This is the coolest thing
I've ever been to.

Alex wants proof
that I'm actually here.

Mmm.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

That is Martin Streibler.

Oh, man.

What a cool feeling

for someone who knows
who Martin Streibler is.

He founded the software company

that revolutionized accounting
back in the '90s.

I mean, he's like the LeBron James
of number crunching.

Sorry, I... I don't know
if you're a sports guy. Uh, LeBron James...

Look, I appreciate you
not making assumptions,

but I know who LeBron James is.

Okay.

Mmm, all right.

Let's go say hi to Martin.

Wait, what? Hang on. Are you kidding?

No. Why not?

The guy is, like, a billionaire.
We can't just walk up to him. Right?

Sure we can. I mean,
this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Let's go.

Pardon me.
I do not mean to interrupt

what appears to be a very lively
and lovely conversation, but...

Are you Martin Streibler?

Yes, I am.

Oh. Well, sir, I have your number-one fan
right over here.

- Hmm. Say hello.
- Hello.

- Where is this bartender?
- I don't know. It's been a while.

Here I am. So sorry to make you wait.
What can I get for you?

Could I please have a tequila
and a Diet Sprite with five cherries

- and a little bit of...
- Oh, Lord, no.

We will have two vodka martinis,
dry as a bone, with a twist.

Excellent choice.

He's very handsome.

Ah.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Mmm.

It this what all martinis taste like?
This vodka is incredible.

Right? That's my favorite brand.

Wait. Are you Jean-Pierre Voland?

I am.

I saw you waiting,
so I had to do something.

This man might just be as rich as you,
and he's a huge philanthropist.

His family owns the company
that makes this vodka.

Believe it or not, that baby is me.

My grandfather put me on the bottle.
I don't know why.

Maybe because you were
such a handsome baby?

I'm Sofia.

Your family's foundation does great work.

And I'm Molly.

And your family's vodka
also does great work.

For me. On the dance floor.

Parlez français?

Hmm.

I mean, I know how to "cheers"
in several languages.

Just a heads-up.

Try not to say ochinchin
to a room full of Japanese businessmen.

It means,
"Cheers to your little boy's penis."

Good to know.

Mmm.

Well, if you will excuse me.
Please enjoy your evening.

And you.

I can't believe that's
that hot baby all grown up.

I mean, the GUI that you added
to keep track of moving averages…

Genius alert!

- You really love this stuff, don't you?
- I do, yes. Very much so.

Let me give you my card.
You should come by our offices.

Oh, yeah! I would... I... Definitely.
Let's... Let's do it.

I'll just finish my Martinelli's here.

He means another time
when we're not at a party.

Got it. Sorry.
Got a little excited.

You're doing great.

Oh! So sorry.

Hailey?

Molly. Hi.

Hi.

- Hey. Uh, sorry.
- No, I... Sorry.

I didn't want to run into you like this.

It's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

- Cool.
- Cool.

I like your dress.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

So, do you wanna f*ck it
the way you f*cked my husband?

Okay. It seems like you're not fine.

Molly! Hey. Long time no see.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were in Monaco.

Oh, well, we were, but then,
you know, the Mannies called.

I'm a big donor, so they wanted me here.

So we turned the plane around.

- Fantastic.
- Yeah.

So, can she eat her steak by herself,
or do you need to cut it for her?

Uh, neither. I'm a pescatarian.

Okay, let's just take a breath here.

I am breathing just fine, thank you.
Everything is fine.

There is nothing abnormal
about the way I'm breathing.

I am perfectly breathing normally.

It's not out of the ordinary.
Thank you very much.

Why don't you two have a great night?
I'll see you guys later. Goodbye.

- John is here.
- What?

John is here with Hailey.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I'm gonna k*ll him. I'm gonna k*ll him.
If I see him, I'm gonna...

Oh, my God. His hair looks amazing.

Did he get a body wave?
There's no way that's natural.

I can't do this.

Come on.

Molly! Molly, wait!

Mol... Molly! Come on! Wait!
Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Talk to us.

I don't understand.
He never cared about charity before.

- Why would he come here tonight?
- Because he wanted this to happen.

- He wanted to get in your head.
- What?

Nicholas is right. He's jealous of
the good press you're getting.

He showed up to throw you off your game.

I think he wants to win the breakup.

Exactly. Okay?
So this is what you need to do.

You need to calm down,
walk back in there, waltz up to John,

and take a picture with him
with the biggest smile anyone's ever seen.

Regain control.

Ooh, that is some real
First Wives Club-level stuff.

- Exactly. And you're Bette Midler.
- No, I wanna be Goldie Hawn.

Babe, we've talked about this.
I am clearly Goldie Hawn.

I don't care about
what white woman you wanna be.

If we're gonna do this,
we should get back in there.

- Clearly, someone's a Diane Keaton.
- Mm-hmm.

- Who is that?
- I'll tell you later.

- Hello, John.
- Hi.

Hailey.

I just wanted to stop by and say hi.

- I love your dress.
- Thanks.

- And your hair. It's beautiful.
- Isn't she gorgeous?

What do you say
the three of us get a picture together?

- Um, yeah. Okay.
- Okay, here we go.

Aw. This is so nice.

What a beautiful night, huh?

- I love this night.
- Me too.

Aw, all right. I better get back
to my table and work on my speech.

- All right. Great to see you.
- Beautiful night.

- Lovely to see you.
- Okay. Yeah.

Then my Aunt Mabel says,
"The ice cream bar's in your hand."

Such a humorous ending.
Howard, w-what do you do?

Oh, well, I'm currently
in information technology,

but to save time,
I call it "information T."

Uh-huh. I knew it. IT.

So, is your company a new start-up idea?

Oh, n-no. I mean, I'm just an employee
at the Wells Foundation.

Yeah, Howard is a huge part of our team.

We couldn't get through
a single day without him.

Such admirable work.

I mean, yeah, it... it's admirable,

but it doesn't mean
I don't have other irons in the fire.

I mean, I've almost started
a pro-wrestling podcast several times.

- Wow.
- In many ways, I... I'm jealous of you.

Y-You have your whole life ahead of you.

Y-You... You can explore your passions.

I mean, I love my company,

but sometimes I call it
my six-billion-dollar prison.

Mmm.

Mmm. My God. This...
This is what you wanted to deprive us of?

Okay, you're right.
This lobster is stupid good.

I'm not even chewing. It's just melting.

There's chocolate inside of everything.

I'm gonna go freshen up for my speech.

What do you think about a peace offering?

Hmm. What do you want?

Okay, look.

Please.

What I want…

is to say that I'm sorry.

Wow.

Here it comes.
The moment we've all been waiting for.

Look, I mean it.

I mean, there were problems.
We both know that. But…

I should have addressed them with you
instead of running away. It...

I disrespected you and our marriage.

And…
…I regret it.

Okay.

Thank you for saying that.

Wha...
Hold on, Molly. I'm not done.

I also wanted to say that…

what you're doing now, with the charity,

it's amazing.

I mean, to endure what I put you through
and end up where you did?

It's extremely impressive.

I probably shouldn't say this,

but I think Hailey
is a little jealous of you.

Well, you definitely shouldn't say that.

And I definitely shouldn't say
that I love hearing that.

So, uh…

how do you like being the boss?

- I like it.
- Yeah.

I mean, sometimes.
Sometimes it's terrible.

I heard that.

You're, you know,
definitely making a difference,

so that's something
to be proud of right there.

I mean, obviously, it's way easier
to give money away than to earn it,

but still.

That's just a joke.

You can't help yourself, can you?

Oh, okay. Take it easy.

Oh, don't tell me to take it easy.

You have this pathological need
for competition. I...

That's what this whole night is
for you, isn't it?

What competition are you talking about?

I mean, you understand there is a big
difference between building what I built

and then just giving away half
of what I earned

to some f*cking dance teams.

- Oh, what you earned?
- Yeah.

I was there every step of the way.

I supported you
while you dicked around in our garage,

doubting yourself,
wondering if you were ever gonna make it.

But I did make it.

And then you sat by the pool
for 20 years doing literally nothing.

So I feel like that's a pretty good return
on your investment.

This was a mistake.

I'm going to get my award.

Oh, okay.
Well, you're welcome, by the way.

For what? What does that mean?

Oh, come on, Molly.

How do you think they choose
who gets these awards?

You think there's a computer that measures
how much good you're doing in the world?

I have no idea how it works.

I'm friends with some people
on the board of this event.

I made some calls,
strongly suggested they give you an award.

I don't know,
I thought you could use the win.

Hey. Everybody was wondering
where you went.

Something wrong?

They never give you enough cornichons
with your charcuterie.

Okay. Something not food-related
bothering you?

It's just that your man, Martin,
said something that made me think.

I mean, I know you look at me
as your young, hip, Gen Z friend

that's, like, 23, 24 tops.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Something like that.

Well, I'm not 23. I'm 38 years old.

So I don't have my whole life
in front of me,

and I'm just not happy
with where I am right now.

Sometimes I'm just up late at night,

wondering if I'm wasting my life
or something.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Yeah. Well, it's kind of just
all hit me at once,

and I was quietly processing it
until someone rudely interrupted me.

Got it.
Well, uh, I'm sorry I interrupted you.

But I gotta say, Howard…

…you have a gift
that almost no one else in the world has.

People love you.
They want to be around you.

Take tonight. You had those billionaires
eating out of your hand.

Yeah, that's easy.

That's just eye contact
and picturing everyone as Santa Claus.

My point is, someone with your charisma
is gonna go far in this world.

I guarantee you that one day
you will be someone's Martin Streibler.

Thank you. That's cool of you to say.

You wanna head back to the table?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- But grab that charcuterie for me.
- Oh. Oh, okay.

I think there are people
that do this, but okay.

Hey, you coming in?

I think your award's up soon.

I'm sorry. I just don't feel like
accepting an award right now.

You sure? 'Cause your speech is great,
and you look beautiful.

Thank you.

I think everything started feeling
too intense, you know?

You guys should stay and enjoy your night.

I'll just sit here for a sec,
and then I'm gonna head home.

Okay.

Yeah, she's not coming back.

Okay. Then where we going?

You guys, you left your table?

Are you sure you don't wanna stay?

No. What's the point of being in there
if you're not with us?

Yeah, we got your back, coz.

If we're leaving,
why don't we just go to Dave & Buster's?

- I got a ton of tickets.
- Oh, no, Howard, those tickets are a scam.

Oh, no, they are not.
I'm only 700,000 away from a PS3.

What?

The amount you're spending there
you could be putting into a Roth IRA.

It doesn't matter. I'm not getting
hate-crimed at a Dave & Buster's tonight.

Rest in peace, you titans of charity.

And now, on a lighter note,

here to accept
the Marjorie Pendleton Foster Award,

please give a warm welcome
to Ms. Molly Wells.

Has anyone seen Molly Wells?

She was right there.

- Sorry, everyone. So sorry.
- Oh.

Molly Wells, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Sorry. Sorry, everyone.

I bet some of you thought
I got hit by a train like Marjorie.

Not going down like her.

Tonight, I had planned to give
a long speech that was all about me.

But I don't know
how much I deserve this award.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
I am pretty great.

But I'm also pretty new
to this charity thing.

And you know who's been
putting in the work for a long time?

My team.

They work hard
without ever asking for credit.

And they're always there for me
in every way.

So I'd like to ask them to come up here
and accept this award,

because tonight should really be
about them.

Oh, my God. This is amazing.

I didn't even want
to come to this tonight,

but I loved those martinis

and the little potato chips
with the tuna on them.

And now this!

Oh, my God, this is heavy.
Thank you!

Hey, the night is still young.
How long does Dave & Buster's stay open?

- The one in the mall closes at 11:00.
- Oh. We can make it.

- Yeah.
- Okay, apps are on me, guys.

Miss Wells!

Hi again.

Hi again.

I like what you said up there.

Thanks.

Uh, if you're open to it,
I'd love to work on a project together.

Uh, yeah. That would be great.

All right. Give me a call.

I'll be waiting.

Okay.

- Oh, my God.
- Ooh.

Don't worry about it, you guys.

Okay, when I say Dave, you say Buster's.

- Dave.
- Buster's!

- Dave.
- Buster's!

- Dave.
- Buster's!

- Dave.
- Buster's!

- Dave.
- Buster's!

- Dave.
- Buster's!

- Dave.
- Buster's!