02x21 - Mom

[bunniefuu]

Okay, and then, if I did this right,

under this cup should be...

[LAUGHS] Damn, America does have talent.

Well, this is light work
compared to the real alchemy,

Black girl magic.

Boo. Shut up and do another trick.

Melissa, girl, get in here.
Jacob doing magic.

And now,

the unbreakable rings are apart.

[LAUGHING]

You're holding the rings
where the gap is.

- Um, no.
- Yeah.

Is that all you got,
the cheap hand gimmicks?

I've seen better at the boardwalk.

I've seen a lot at the boardwalk.

Okay, how about this?
Pick a card, any card.

Remember it. Don't show it to me.

And then put it back.

Was your card the five of hearts?

No.

Are you sure it wasn't
the five of hearts?

The magic doesn't work
if you lie, Melissa.

I'm not lying. It was a queen of hearts.

This is a racket.

[AMAZED OUTCRIES]

The amazing Jacob has done it again.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[GROANS]

Memorial Day weekend
cannot come fast enough.

I need three full days to help Zach

clean out his shoe closet,
AKA our entire apartment.

I am drowning in swooshes.

Gerald and I are going
to South Jazz Cafe

to hear a little... [SCATTING].

No days off for me.

I'm meeting up with some
of my fellow doomsday preppers

to assemble hurricane kits.

Oh, yeah, what's in the kit?

Two types of rum

and an assortment of island flavors.

- Yes.
- All right.

Long weekends just delay the inevitable.

It's still a Monday, even if it's
masquerading as a Tuesday.

Well, I, for one, can't wait

because I'm going on a girl trip.

You mean girls' trip?

No, girl trip, singular.

I saved enough money
to take myself to Ocean City.

Jersey?

Maryland.

ALL: Ooh.

So you're going on a trip by yourself?

Yep, just me and the stamps
on my passport...

metaphorically.
I don't have one of those.

And before you start making fun

of sad, little, no-friends Janine...

It's wonderful, sweetheart.

Yeah, Janine,
don't make fun of yourself.

It makes it less fun
for me when I do it.

Okay, solo vacation.

Hey, only solo vacation I ever took

was when they sequestered
the jury I was on.

So good for you.

Okay, the support is supporting.

I feel like I really need this.

Go ahead, tell them
what's on the independence docket.

Okay, so I'm going
to the Princess Royale,

which is a three-star hotel.

But it has the confidence of four.

I only stay at five-star hotels.

They become a six when I walk in.

And I'm thinking
about booking a massage.

I can afford
either minutes of a Swedish

or minutes of deep tissue.

MY ADVICE: always go
for quality over quantity.

Okay.

This is a big step, Janine,
and I am proud of you.

Thank you, Barbara.

I love the company of others,

but I'm trying to like my own company.

Wanna see my room?

Okay.

That's weird.

I have a missed call from my mom.

I'll just call her back.

It's probably a butt dial or something.

Anyway, look at that view.

That's the ocean.

It's ocean view.

G-Man, need help?

I'm like a human Command-F.
I can find anything.

Yeah, have you seen the sliced almonds
for my otherwise plain oatmeal?

We are out.

But my girl Shanae in the cafeteria
has got a secret stash.

We're very close.

[SING-SONG] Shanae...

[NORMALLY] How is
this Earth Day treating you?

Do I look like I have time
to talk right now?

Talk right now?

Talk, talk right now?

BOTH: ♪ Talk right now,
talk, talk right now ♪

♪ Talk right now, talk, talk right now ♪

[LAUGHS] Where have you been?

I barely saw your cute self last week.

Ugh, I know, PSSA prep has
got me busier than Philips.

Now, I told you about
them Caucasian references.

[LAUGHS] You did. You did.

Hey, how was the move?

Are you loving the new place?

We're still in boxes.
I haven't gotten my bed yet.

But I got Xfinity set up,
and it is definitely an upgrade.

Well, if you still need furniture recs,

it would be my pleasure
to assist your lounging.

Absolutely. And thank you very much.

What can I get you
from the kitchen, boo?

Boo?

Yes, if you could spare
some accoutrement

of the sliced almond variety
for my pal Gregory here.

Please.

Mm-hmm.

What time is it?

It is : .

We stopped serving almonds at : .

Ha-ha.

Ha?

[SING-SONG] Shanae...

You have got to be kidding me.

And then after lunch,

we will hit the gym for today's
Earth Day activities.

But first, recess and...

List... listen.

Do you hear that?

[HEELS CLACKING FAINTLY] Shh.

Shush it.

Ms. Teagues, who's that?

Mom.

That's my baby.
What's up, my baby's babies?

I hope y'all know y'all got the
greatest teacher in the world.

You want to know how I know?

Because she learned from the best.

- Mr. Rogers?
- Me.

- Oh.
- Hi, Ms. Grandma Teagues.

Boy...

I mean, oh, I'm nobody's granny, baby.

- Just call me Auntie Vanetta.
- [LAUGHS WEAKLY]

That doesn't make sense.

Mom. Hey, Mom.

What are you doing here?

I saw you called, and I
tried to call you back. So...

Well, when you didn't answer,
I got so worried,

so I had to come and check on you.

We haven't spoken in, like, six months.

How did you even get in?

'Cause you don't have a visitor's badge.

Oh, VIPs don't need badges, baby.

We need refreshments.

I'm thirsty. [SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

All right, guys,
have fun at recess, okay?

Be safe. Hey, Mom, Mom, Mom?

Yes?

Um, I'm gonna get you checked in.

Okay. Well, y'all kids behave now.

This is so unexpected.

I mean, I've invited my mom
to come here a lot of times...

Not today. But that's my mom.

She plays by her own rules.

Made it frustrating
to play Uno growing up,

but anyway, I'm really happy she's here.

Hey, Gregory.

Hey.

Yeah, so there was a real tension

between you and Shanae this morning,

and... correct me if I'm wrong...

It didn't feel like the good kind.

- Yeah, I mean, it's whatever.
- Mm-hmm.

When you say "It's whatever,"
do you mean, "Don't worry, Jacob,

"I have a foolproof plan
to win her over,

thus removing this new stress
from your life"?

No, I do not.

I'm just going to go back
to avoiding her

and never asking her for anything.

Hearing you,
not loving what I'm hearing.

Look man, it's not that big of a deal.

I don't need to talk to every
single person at this school.

That's pretty strong words
for a wannabe principal.

What does small talk
have to do with leadership?

Look, you don't have to be
best friends with everybody,

but it doesn't hurt to be able
to sh**t the breeze.

Don't you watch late night TV?

I'm not a celebrity.

Yet.

Hey, it's easy, look.

Hey, teal sweater, yeah.

And see, I'm lying.
That sweater is hideous.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

And oh, that light
right there, I fixed that,

depending on who you ask.

I know you didn't climb up on a ladder.

I did. I climbed up on two, in fact.

Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, hey, Barbara, Ava,

I'd like you to meet my mom, Vanetta.

Oh, wonderful to meet you.

I've heard so much about you.

- You must be...
- Oh, that's...

I'm Barbara Howard.

- I teach kindergarten.
- Yes.

Damn, genetics are wild.

You're cool and she...

You would b*at my ass, wouldn't you?

Hmm.

The key to never getting your ass b*at?

Knowing when someone can b*at your ass.

What brings you to Abbott?

Well, I just thought I'd stop
in and check on my baby girl.

I was in the neighborhood.

You live in the neighborhood.

Oh, girl, stop being silly.

Come and give your mama some love.

She's so sensitive.

Well, enjoy your visit.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

See you, Barbara.

Ain't nobody around here
giving you no problems, are they?

No, no, no, no, no, everyone is great.

There was this one parent last week,

but, you know, I got through that.

Period.

I am actually taking
a trip to Ocean City to unwind.

- Oh, Princess Royale.
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Yes.

Oh, man, you remember.

I've wanted to go there
ever since I was little.

So I'm excited.

You know, me and my girls
used to go there all the time.

It was cute.
Room was a little stuffy, though.

Yeah, well, I think it looks nice.

Well, how are you?

Oh, I am doing good, baby girl.

I got this new job.

Mom, you got a new job?

Yes.

And it's work from home,

which is perfect for me,
because what I look like,

going into an office?

Oh, man, that is great.

Yes, it is.

You know, but I do got
this thing going on

with my phone.

But anyway, the hours
are great on the job.

So everything is going great.

Well, what's going on with your phone?

I shouldn't have even mentioned it.

Oh, just something
about me going over my data

and them threatening
to turn the phone off.

But it's only $ . .

But I'll figure it out.

Mom, they can't turn your phone off.

You need your phone.

No, I know. But it is what it is, right?

Mom, did you just come here
because you need money?

Janine, no.

Why would you even think that?

I came 'cause I wanted
to see you do your thing.

I'm proud of you, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Well, I love you, Mom.

I'm so glad you're here.

Me Too. You know what?
Let's take a picture.

- Okay.
- Capture this moment.

Come here.

Look at you, looking just like me.

Cheese.

Okay, let me send this to...

Whoa, oh, hell, look
like they shut my phone off.

But don't you worry about it.

Hey, Barbara, hey, work mom.

I was wondering if you could watch

my class for a little bit
while I go check on my mom mom.

Not a problem.

You know, it's lovely being able to put
a face to the name,

though this isn't
your typical school visit

from a parent.

Yeah, well, that's my mom.

She loves surprises and hide and seek.

She's really good at that.

This is her first visit
to Abbott, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

She's so busy with the, um,
stuff that she does, so...

Well, I know that it hasn't
always been easy with her.

But it's nice she made it.

Right, yeah. And she's doing so well.

She has this new job that
she loves, which is amazing.

It's no complaints, really.

Well, there was some drama
with her cell phone bill.

Actually, her phone just got turned off.

Like, just now.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Just now?
- Yeah.

On the day she chose to visit?

I can't believe it, either.
But she isn't worried.

I am, though. You know, it's her phone.

And I do have that trip money.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm honestly just, like,
really glad she's here.

So, yeah.

Well, thank you.

Nice work, kids.

Keep track of that glitter, though.
It is not biodegradable.

Neither is any of that Styrofoam.

Nurse Makiah, we on fi-yah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Shanae, get me one of those cookies.

That's your new recipe, right?

Yeah, went to Aldi instead of Acme.

Okay.

If I didn't love Shanae so much,

I would be jealous
of her cookie success.

Ava really knows how to work a room.

I can also work a room.

Watch me.

Nurse Makiah.

Hello.

Did you need something?

No, no, I'm just sh**ting the breeze.

You know, speaking of breeze,
how do you feel about pollution?

Bad?

Mm-hmm, yes, same here.

So we have that in common.

Yeah, cool.

Do you have any other opinions?

I just figured out where I know
Janine's mom from: the club.

We danced on the same tables.

Cool people should have cool babies.

It's not right what happened
to that woman.

I don't like this one bit,
dropping in out of the blue,

dancing on the same furniture as Ava.

Oh, I got a bad feeling.

And then a mother wants to drop
that little tidbit

about being late on her phone bill.

It's a convenient time to visit.

Yeah, well, I smelled swindler
the minute she walked in.

That and, like, a spicy, citrusy aroma.

She smelled really good, actually.

Barbara, listen, nothing good ever came

from getting messed up
in another family's business.

All right?

Unless you're on Yelp and
they're your competition.

I know you're right.

But Janine has this trip coming up,

and it's a big deal for her.

And I just think her mother
is here to get that money.

- Oh.
- Damn, that's cold.

Thank you, Ava.

Note to self, new way to manipulate:

step one, have a daughter.

Step two, play the long game.

[PILLS RATTLING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Feeling under the weather?

It's cold and flu season somewhere.

Well, I'm sure that's true.

Lovely of you to come by
and see Janine at work.

It meant so much to her.

She talks about you all the time.

Can you believe she's
never invited me here before?

I really can't.

You've raised a wonderful daughter.

I hope you're extremely proud.

I am.

You know, she's a Penn grad.
Her sister, on the other hand...

well, you win some, you lose some.

I have had the great pleasure
of watching

Janine grow so much.

I mean, this year alone,
working for her students

and on herself, building up
the confidence and the money

to treat herself
to a much-needed vacation.

Mm-hmm.

I'm worried because she mentioned
a bill situation of yours.

- That's personal.
- Yes, but I'm worried

that she's rethinking her travel
in order to help you out.

Help me out?

I would never ask her to do that.

That's what she's going to do anyway.

So I just thought that you should know.

You know, I'm sure my daughter
will do what's right.

Besides, her and Tariq
splitting her rent,

it ain't like she's struggling.

That young man is
no longer with your daughter.

What?

Damn, well, guess you
can't keep a good man down.

I just want you to know how important

this vacation is for Janine...

Uh, Barbara, you know,
this is a family matter.

And I don't remember seeing you
at any of the cookouts.

You don't know me.

You're right, I don't know you.

But I know your daughter.

And she will help you out
at her own expense.

Yeah, well, I'm her mother,

and I brought her
into this world at mine.

Why don't I give you
the money for the bill,

you tell Janine that you worked it out,

and we keep it between us,
just you and I?

- Janine...
- Baby...

Hey, Mom,

why don't we go to my classroom?

Sure.

Hmm.

Come on, baby.

Yeah, you too good for this place, baby.

That lady... I mean, is that
who's teaching our youth,

nosy-ass, judgy-ass over-steppers?

I mean, that's crazy.

Because I'm down there,
minding my own business,

and then she go calling b*tches broke.

And I'm like, "Excuse me?"

Yeah, see, see,
you only caught the tail end.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, she like,

"You broke and deadbeat."

And I'm like, "How can
a mother be deadbeat?"

I carried you in my body.

Ugh. Anyway, then she squared up.

Barbara Howard squared up?

She sure did, talking
about she from North Philly.

I said so, I'm from West.

- What's good?
- Hmm.

Then she gonna switch it up

- and try to give me a handout.
- Hmm.

Something ain't right with her.

Mm.

Mom, why did you come here?

I already told you, I miss you.

Right, but I've been calling
you for months.

You know, you could have just answered.

Well, I was busy.

And you ain't leave no messages.

All right, so here's
what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna call the phone company

and set up a payment plan for you.

That way, they'll turn
your phone back on.

And then I'm going to give you the money

for the first two payments,
but that is it.

I don't have the rest
of the money to spare.

I'm going on vacation.

And that is what I can do
for you right now, Mom.

It's that option, or you're on your own.

And it's totally up to you.

Well, I was gonna figure it out...

But I'll take option one.

Okay.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome.

I love you, Mom.

And you need your phone.

Yeah, I do, for work.

And I love you too.

Come here, my baby.

I still don't see what's
so good about this place.

Mom.

You know, some things can't be taught.

I'm bad at small talk.

I'm just gonna stick with regular talk.

Now, what are you up to tonight, Shanae?

Ugh, more unpacking.

We were at it so late last night,

- I missed the Orioles game.
- Oh.

And today's been so crazy.

I haven't had a chance
to check the score.

Uh, - O's.

Adley Rutschman hit an
opposite field walk off homer.

And Cedric Mullins was
a single shy of the cycle.

Mullins is my guy.
All these young dudes...

Cedric, Mullen, Felix, Logan.

And they say we're living
in another dead ball era.

Oh, please.

It's simple, just hit dingers,
play defense, close games.

Exactly. But that's always baseball.

You just show up every day, just like...

BOTH: Cal Ripken, Jr.

Oh, you've been
an Orioles fan this whole time

and never said a word.

Wow.

Well, now I know.

Yes, you do.

Okay, Gregory.

Connection... It's a lot like baseball,

a bunch of weird,
kind of boring stuff happens,

and then boom, home run.

Who knew?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Oh, Janine.

I know I crossed the line,
and please, allow me to apologize.

No, Barbara, it's okay.

Really, I'm not mad.

If anything, it is moving
that you care that much

that you would do that for me.

So I think I'm just embarrassed.

Look, my mom...

I love my mom.

But that's my mom.

So how'd it go?

It went okay. I handled it.

Her phone's gonna get turned back on.

But don't worry.

We came to a compromise.
I'm helping her where I can.

So the trip is still on.

Whew.

Wonderful. You had me scared.

Oh, I'm happy for you.

Thank you.

What about the massage?

Massage money is on its way to Mom.

But it's all right.

I'm happy I'm able to help.

Next time.

And now that I've set
that boundary, who knows?

Maybe my mom and I
can get closer than ever,

take our own little trip
one day as mother and daughter.

Maybe.

And when you're out there by yourself,

do not carry too much cash on you.

I won't. I don't have any.

Well, you should have some.

But do you have a swim cover-up?

The Ross is having a sale.

Wait, really? Which one?

Yes, on City Line.

- I love that one.
- Girl, let me get my bag.

- Come on.
- Okay.

Gregory, do you think
I could bend this spoon with magic?

Jacob, when I told you to get a hobby,

I meant one that wasn't annoying.

Hey.

Hey, how was your day?

Weird, social.

I talked to Shanae about baseball.

How was yours?

Guys, look, I think I'm doing it.

Mine was also weird, eventful.

My mom was here.

Oh, my God, guys.

- You heading out?
- Yeah, you?

No, but I'll walk with you.

Guys, I'm Neo-ing.

I'm the Matrix. [LAUGHS]