01x07 - You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby

[bunniefuu]

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Sold my book.
- Oh.

Discovered on a Bloomsbury slush pile

by some dickhead called Barnaby.

- Barnabys are the worst.
- Mm. He's my new editor.

Got in touch after that
pashmina video went viral.

I believe Salinger was
discovered the same way.

COSTELLO JONES: All I did
was shout at some posh bitch.

- (CHUCKLES)
- COSTELLO: Now everyone thinks

I'm the Joan of Arc
of the council estate.

- You deserve this..
- Hmm. Still potless.

Council are sending us to Somerset.

- Tell 'em to f*ck off.
- COSTELLO: Yeah, I did.

They can't force you out.

If I don't take it,

then we're intentionally homeless.

Oh, Lenny, I am gonna miss you,

my favorite pervert.

But we'll be back next
spring when the book's out.

I bet you can't believe
it's really happening.

Ugh! Been b*rned by posh pricks before.

I won't believe it's real
until it's on sale in Foyles.

And when it is out,

I'm gonna ride the tube day and night

until I find someone who's reading it.

Because that's how you
know you've really made it.

And I'm gonna go up to them,

pull the book down and
say, "I wrote that, I did."

They are going to think that you're mad.

Be a great f*cking day.

Back in the city because of my book.

You know, Barnaby
reckons it's gonna be big.

- Bigger than Dickens?
- COSTELLO: Yeah.

Basically Oliver Twist,
but with big tits.

You're a real artist.

All you can ask for in life
is one moment of perfection.

Because it... it doesn't
last. It's not meant to.

Remember that.

- Mom.
- Hmm?

- Lenny, go. Run, run, run.
- ♪ (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Just like real life,
you get what you want

- then someone comes to ruin it.
- SECURITY GUARD: Hey, excuse me?

Who the hell do you think
you are? Hey! Excuse me?

♪ (JAZZ MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

So you got my letter then.

(SIGHS)

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN MANDARIN)

(IN ENGLISH) Mm, Broadband's slow.

Food's microwaved.

And the only other
h*m* has had a cold sore

for the last two weeks,
so it's not ideal.

FEN: (IN ENGLISH) Here's your sh*t.

You look good.

(IN MANDARIN) _

(IN MANDARIN) _

(IN ENGLISH) Still got a way to go.

FLORIAN SELBY: "Fiscus
Publishing signs new novel

from authentic, working class,

- single mom."
- (FEN CHUCKLES)

She'll hate that.

Well, she no longer needs me then.

Won't be long before
the money's rolling in.

Come on then, you ever
f*cked in an asylum?

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(COSTELLO SIGHS)

They've sent us straight to hell.

GLORIA: Be grateful you got a place.

Where are all the people?

It's in the middle of nowhere.

Lots of people come
out to the countryside

- to finish their book.
- Yeah.

Rich ones, retreating to
daddy's holiday cottage.

- (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)
- It's pretty peaceful, though.

It means we can be wild.

- Whoo!
- COSTELLO: All right.

- All right.
- GLORIA: Whoo!

- Oh. (CHUCKLES) Stop it.
- (CHUCKLES)

(GROANS) I don't wanna live in peace.

I want to shout at people who don't know

how to use escalators correctly.

Watch this bend, watch this bend.

COSTELLO: Okay, stop it.
I don't wanna die here,

I wanna die in the city.

One more, just to upset Mom. You ready?

- Don't stop, Auntie G.
- GLORIA: Whoo!

- No, God! It's the police!
- GLORIA: What? What?

- Brilliant. Oh, great.
- (POLICE SIREN WAILING)

COSTELLO: Are they following
us? Yeah, they're following us.

- IRIS JONES: Oh, it'll be... It will be fine.
- Fantastic. Well done.

- OFFICER: You're over the limit.
- (GLORIA GROANS)

- How many have you had?
- Only a couple last night.

- Oh, f*ck!
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO)

- Am I being arrested?
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh!
- Where are you taking her?

- OFFICER: Minehead.
- I'm sorry.

No! What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Yeah, all right, calm down
or I'll arrest you too.

- (CHUCKLES) Sorry, what for?
- Public nuisance.

There is no public. Where
the f*ck is the public?

We're in the middle of f*cking nowhere!

Last warning.

- Will Auntie G be all right?
- She'll always be all right.

She's got a family to bail her out.

I promise you, I will
write us out of here.

First hardcover, then paperback...

Audible, Sunday Times bestseller,

Man Booker,

and then Richard and Judy's Book Club.

(CHUCKLES)

Then I'll sell the TV
rights to the highest bidder.

I'll write the adaptation

because that's where the real money is.

- We'll be all right.
- Yeah, but can we live...

in a place with high
ceilings in Belsize Park?

- Yeah, sure.
- (HOOVES CLACKING)

- What the hell?
- (HORSES NEIGHING)

Oh, God.

And it's back...

thanks to you. (SIGHS)

Glad to hear. Though,
can't take all the credit.

Costello no longer needs me...

which made me feel worthless...

so I f*cked Fen.

Did you know, Kenneth, I
had my first buggering...

and my first heartbreak on the same day?

We had fagging at boarding school.

It's where a young boy acts as a servant

- for one of the older boys.
- (EXHALES SHARPLY)

Sounds totally normal.

I mean, I enjoyed it.

Bed hopping in dorms,
mutual masturbation.

Meaningless, functional.

I mean, all powerful men do it.

- Do you honestly believe that?
- Yes, Kenneth, I do.

You take a dry cock in your assh*le,

you can definitely take a
grilling from Andrew Neil.

(INHALES DEEPLY) What was his name?

The boy who took your virginity.

Oliver. Straightened out now, of course.

Married, kids, member of parliament.

How did he break your heart?

Oh, no. He didn't break anything.

But, um, ten minutes
after we'd finished,

my Housemaster requested a chat.

(SIGHS)

My father had made yet
another attempt on his life.

And this time, he'd succeeded.

And that was both...

the horniest and the
saddest day of my life.

(INHALES) Do you want to play a game?

Good. Need to teach you the rules first.

FERRYMAN: Uber won't touch the place.

No Deliveroo, no Ocado, not even Aldi.

None of them can handle Sunset Park.

Thank you so much for
this, this is so kind.

Yeah, well, it's a
pound each for the ride.

Fifteen to deliver
the junk to your door.

Okay. Um. (SCOFFS) Can I pay you later?

Are you working?

I got an interview with a
debt collector on the estate.

Go on, then. I'll risk it. In you get.

You're going to enjoy Sunset Park.

Only pedo-free estate in the country.

What's a pedo?

FERRYMAN: You'd know if you met one.

Right!

- What's a pedo?
- Don't ask.

- FERRYMAN: Off into the sunset.
- Okay.

(HORSES NEIGH)

Four players. North, south,
east, west. That's it.

I just think you and Costello
seem unlikely friends.

And then we build the wall.

That depends on your view
of the world, doesn't it?

I tend to think you meet
a better class of person

in the gutter than in the drawing room.

Why is that? Does it
make you feel powerful?

No.

You have money, you can leave any time.

Costello can't, Iris can't.

How many times have you left Iris now?

I didn't choose to leave. I love Iris.

Yet you sabotage your
relationship with her

before she has a chance to
reject you. It's what you do.

(GROANS)

- (GRUNTS)
- You're wrong. You're wrong.

You know nothing about me.

I know you're a privileged little sh*t.

Oh, God! All I wanna do now is kiss you.

Knock that sh*t off!

Have I broken you, Kenneth?

Not even close.

Your game has rules, and so does mine.

You don't do that in here.

(SIGHS)

Yes. (PANTS)

Well, I didn't smash
your face in. That's...

I mean, that's gotta be growth.

Do you want me to leave?

Sit the f*ck down.

We haven't even started yet.

♪ (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

FERRYMAN: Here we are,
ladies. Sunset Park.

And you're welcome to it.

♪ (MELLOW MUSIC FADES) ♪

FERRYMAN: Whoa!

(SIGHS) Right, this is you up yonder.

Last woman there d*ed.

- Brilliant.
- (CART DOOR OPENING)

(GROANS)

Are you all land-lined up, then?

Place is a dead zone.

- No TV signal. You're off-grid.
- Check your mobile. No signal.

f*cking hell.

GREY: Hey, kiddo. More
newbies. Show them .

My name's Tennessee. Welcome to hell.

- It ain't so bad.
- Hi, I'm Iris.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(EXHALES)

- It's all right, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

SIMON: Sit yourself down. Get comfy.

So, why do you want to
be a debt collector then?

- Honestly? Desperate.
- (SIMON CHUCKLES)

You've come to the right place.

What about, um, other hustles?

Most people these days,
you know, got hustles.

- In between hustles.
- All right.

Well, I googled you. Nothing pervy.

Saw your working-class hero speech.

I thought of I was watching
a f*cking Ken Loach film.

What about, um...

this Battered b*tches thing?

(INHALES) Yeah, that
hasn't, um, aged well.

Internet says you're a
bit of a d*ck, darling.

Are you bit of a d*ck?

Yeah. Sometimes.

"Sometimes." That's honest.

Got a criminal record?

- Couple of cautions.
- What? Theft, dr*gs?

as*ault, criminal damage.

Could come in handy around here.

Hmm. You look strong. Like a big tree.

You're trouble, but I
like it, so start tomorrow.

- I've got the job?
- Oh, yeah. There's your clobber.

COSTELLO: All right, thanks.

- So, is this your mom's salon?
- I'll see you tomorrow then, yeah?

- Nine o'clock.
- Oh.

♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

IRIS: Hello.

TENNESSEE: One hundred and
four, that's me and my nana.

One hundred and eight is Ferryman.

Spice Boy lives there.

And Tony the m*rder*r, he lives there.

Oh, don't worry. He's
never k*lled no one.

He's just a plumber and
a terrific karaoke singer.

I'm making a film about him.

(SIGHS) You're a weirdo, Tennessee,

but luckily, I like weirdos a lot.

Aye, thanks.

And apparently, Larry
David lives in number ,

but I don't think it's him.

I just think it's a bald
man who shouts at people.

- Who's Larry David?
- Absolute lunatic. Google him.

SIMON: You got a fellow then?

(SCOFFS) Inappropriate.

Not really, I was just sayin'.
I'll take you out some time.

What makes you think
I'd go out with you?

You got a mirror in your house?

Yeah. Got three actually, darling.

One of them, lovely antique.

Ah, well you might wanna
take a look in it sometime.

Pretty sure I'm a few rungs above you

on the f*ck ladder, mate.

You miss percent of
the sh*ts you don't take.

I had to take mine.

See, you gotta do something
every day that scares you.

Today, it was asking you out.

Tomorrow I'm booked in at jujitsu.

It's important to keep your mind busy,

when everyday you've gotta look
the worst of humanity in the eye.

- Yes?
- You got the money or what?

I told you, I... I have nothing.

I can't even... even top-up the meter.

Yeah, well, you can't hide away forever.

The more time I spend coming back here,

the worse it's gonna get for you.

So get it sorted.

All right, you can do the next one.

Oh, I can't do this, Simon.

Eh?

(SIGHS) It ain't for me.

I thought you were desperate.

Look, if it's not you
knocking on her door,

it'll be someone else knocking on yours.

Yeah, well, they're not knocking today.

(SIGHS) Don't worry, love,

I'm not a debt collector anymore.

If you need leccy,

we can pop to the Londis
and I can top you up, yeah?

And I'll just wait here.

(VAN ENGINE REVS)

GREY: Big spender.
Cornettos are cheaper.

Don't do Cornettos no more.

About to be a published author,
I only eat f*cking Magnums now.

What's the book about?

Four webcammers,

living in a battered woman's refuge,

undertake a jewelry heist.

Guess what it's called? Diamond Beavers.

Autobiographical?

No. Who do you think I am, Grey?

All sorts around here.
So, it's fictional?

Yeah, I'm a satirist.
Just because I'm not posh,

everybody takes what I say literally.

No, but some of it is true,
we did live in a refuge.

According to the internet,

women like me must only speak the truth.

The internet's not a real place, is it?

COSTELLO: Feels real.

For c**ts and cry babies.

Now tell me it's not
worth paying a bit extra

for your ice cream.

(CHUCKLES)

GREY: I remember my
first weeks out here.

Lonely, eh?

Feels like I'm living on the moon.

Well, you're welcome 'round ours.

Can I use your internet?

I've got to send some
new chapters to my editor.

- Uh-huh.
- COSTELLO: Thank you.

IRIS: Oh, so you've
forgiven her now, have you?

COSTELLO: Yeah. I miss her. Don't you?

- IRIS: Yeah. Can I talk to her?
- COSTELLO: Yeah.

- (BABY CRYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (CELLPHONE RINGS)
- COSTELLO: Gloria? It's me.

(SIGHS) I thought you were Sky.

- He's still calling you?
- Miss you, Auntie G.

Oh, Iris. I miss you, baby.

- Are you pissed off at me?
- No. Not anymore.

Dad's basically got me on house arrest.

How's you? And the baby?

GLORIA: I wasn't trying
to harm it, you know?

I was just so scared. Still am.

Anyway, I've had a scan. She's good.

- Wait, she's good?
- (CHUCKLES)

- It's a girl.
- Call her Iris. (CHUCKLES)

I don't know what to call her,

but I'll see what her face suits, innit?

What's it like up there?

Hmm. Reckon I can get some good stories

- out of this place.
- Can I talk to her?

Wait. Come visit.

I can't drive, can I?

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

GLORIA: Your pashmina video
keeps coming up on my feed.

It's huge.

I can't believe someone posted
the Battered b*tches video.

Don't read the comments.

Bunch of masturbators
and bedroom activists.

Those mental b*tches,
they're on a witch hunt.

You need to deal with them

like you did Stacey Backshaw
in the London Dungeon.

I'd love to.

- Can I talk to her now?
- Iris wants to talk to you.

(IRIS CLEARS THROAT)

Okay, G. So...

will I be its aunt or its cousin?

And can I babysit? Oh, and
everybody here is a freak.

GLORIA: Perfect for you then.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- TENNESSEE: Come in.

- Hey.
- ♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

- My nana's at bingo.
- IRIS: Wow.

(SIGHS) She used to work in
a place called The Video Shop.

You go in, choose a film,

borrow it for one night
only and then take it back.

Crazy. What, so you couldn't keep it?

TENNESSEE: Yeah, people
were savages in the 's.

IRIS: So is this one of
those videos playing now?

TENNESSEE: Uh-huh. It's
by my favorite director,

Dario Argento. The
maestro of blood and boobs.

- IRIS: Can we watch it?
- TENNESSEE: Yeah.

If you're into the hellish
side of life, you'll love it.

(SIGHS)

You write sh*t about me
online, but I tell stories,

so here's a f*cking story for you.

Uh... It's ,

everybody thinks the
world's about to end.

Bruce Willis is busy seeing dead people,

and I'm , yet to be kissed.

- Gross.
- I'm a freak.

Well, that's what
Stacey Backshaw calls me.

She also calls me Fatty Fishy Fanny.

She was in my year. That
sort of girl that peaks at .

So anyway, I'm on the bus,

heading towards Tottenham Court Road.

And Stacey is sat next
to me, and she says...

"Marty Castle thinks you're proper fit."

And then she says,

"He wants to meet you after school.

Outside the Imperial w*r Museum,

and he wants to kiss
you by the big g*ns."

Now this kid, Marty, I mean
he was proper fit, like...

like the David Beckham of Walworth Road.

So anyway, cut to me,
standing by the big g*ns,

and Marty Castle's
face is close to mine.

And as he moves in for a kiss,

he shouts and says, "I
don't kiss big pigs."

And I turn around, and, um, Stacey,

and the rest of the
bus are laughing at me.

And I feel like a f*cking fool.

That's what you lot
are. Stacey Backshaws.

And you know what? I took care of her.

I, uh, actually b*at the sh*t out of her

at London Dungeons.

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.
She's doing a Britney.

And I'm gonna say
this, uh, because I can,

because I did live in a woman's refuge.

Uh, a lot of you b*tches
need a proper b*ating.

And I would love to dish that out.

(WHISPERS) She is doing
a Britney. I love her.

Anyway, huns, you do you.
I'm gonna carry on writing

and telling my stories.

And just so you know, I see you. c**ts!

(CELLPHONE BUZZING)

Barnaby? Hello?

- BARNABY: Can you hear me?
- Yeah.

You're about to f*ck me, aren't you?

I know when someone's gonna f*ck me,

'cause my mom f*cked me

and not just in the Phillip Larkin way.

BARNABY: Look. (SIGHS)
We've got a... a situation.

You're a very talented writer,
but my hand's been forced.

We need a voice who
represents the working class.

With so much doubt
surrounding your authenticity,

there's no way we can
publish Diamond Beavers.

Please don't take this away from me.

BARNABY: Costello, you've
brought this on yourself.

- I tried to help you.
- I've got nothing else.

Is there something I can say
for you to stop doing this?

BARNABY: First, you do Battered b*tches,

then you offer to dish out

a b*ating to those critical of you.

(SIGHS) It's just...

(SIGHS) It's kind of
not how authors behave.

I thought you wanted
authentic working class,

- I guess not.
- BARNABY: I'm sorry.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- Can I use your landline?
- Aye.

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪

Takes a while.

REPORTER OVER TV: Today, we've come

to one of the Peak District's
most popular auctions,

- many bargains to be had.
- (CELLPHONE RINGING)

(REPORTER OVER TV SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(TV STOPS)

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

- Yes, hello.
- (WHISPERS) Selby, it's me.

♪ ("PRINCE OF TEARS" BY
BAXTER DURY PLAYING) ♪

(WHISPERS) Uh, why you whispering?

(SPEAKS NORMALLY) I don't know.

- (SPEAKS NORMALLY) You okay?
- IRIS: Yeah, it's weird here.

I mean, it's all right.
Yeah, it's good actually.

Mom's lost the book deal.

She's drinking, she's
talking to the internet.

Can you visit?

Yes. Where are you?

Somerset. I've gotta go.

GREY: I'm home.

Iris? Iris?

GREY: Oh, hi Iris. Are
you staying for tea?

Where's your mom?

♪ Prince of tears Prince of tears ♪

♪ No one's gonna love you more than us ♪

♪ Everybody loves to say... ♪

FERRYMAN: Oh, a beer. There
you go and a loaf of bread.

Four pounds, got it?

All right. And what about you, flower?

- Have you got any red?
- FERRYMAN: Any red?

I've got all the red in the world.

- Yeah, I'll get two bottles.
- Two, is it?

That'll be five pounds each.

- Cheers!
- FERRYMAN: Thanks a lot, love.

Uh, what about you guys?

♪ Prince of tears ♪
♪ Prince of tears ♪

♪ No one's gonna love you more than us ♪

♪ Prince of tears ♪
♪ Prince of tears ♪

♪ No one's gonna love you more than us ♪

♪ And the prince of tears ♪

♪ Wiped his eyes ♪

♪ And looked at everything he owned ♪

♪ And smiled ♪

♪ Everybody loves to say goodbye ♪

♪ Everybody loves to say goodbye ♪

♪ Everybody loves to say goodbye ♪

♪ (SONG CONCLUDES) ♪