18x04 - The Pleasanting at Smith House

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

The key to a gigantic afternoon cocktail

is a well-balanced skewer.

You can't go wrong.

Yes, Klaus, ya can.

I like my olive holes
clean as a whistle.

Dang, you straight-up
inhaled that blue cheese!

I don't think your
esophagus even opened!

I prefer to let my lungs
digest the useless stuff.

Klaus, my good man!

Jeffrey, my good sir!

To what do I owe this great pleasure?

I'm here to invite you
on a pleasant afternoon!

A pleasant afternoon, you say?

That sounds delightful!

Every day with the pleasant afternoons.

You're like an old retired couple.

- Thank you!
- Thank you!

♪ Ooh, that's why I'm easy ♪

♪♪

♪ I'm easy like Sunday morning ♪

[HORN HONKS]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪♪

♪ That's why I'm easy ♪

♪ I'm easy like Sunday morning ♪

Hey Klaus, what's your greatest dream?

Probably renting a lake house together.

Imagine the pleasant afternoons
we could have there together!

What's your greatest dream?

I think this might be it...

- [HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]
- _

♪♪

[SCREAM ECHOING]

♪♪

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Klaus, my good man!

Jeffrey, my good sir!

They're still doing pleasant afternoons?

Yup.

Today is actually quite pleasant, Stan!

We're going to an estate sale!

The sellers make up the craziest stories

to unload some dead guy's junk.

Every sword is Excalibur and
all the g*ns k*lled Kennedy.

Headed to Sub Hub.
Might be my last shift ever, though.

Everyone's freaking out

about a new sandwich
shop opening tomorrow.

The owners are some hot
sh*ts from Albuquerque.

Did you say... Albuquerque?

- Yeah.
- The Abq is home

to the world's foremost
sandwich innovators!

It's a proving ground for
sandwich artists, Hayley!

Yeah, whatever. I'm leaving now.

I heard in Albuquerque
they shave the meat so thin

you can hold it up to the
light and look through it

to see the exact moment of your death.

Yum.

♪♪

Hey, it's the pleasant boys!

Looking good!

Principal Lewis,
shouldn't you be in school?

Shh, I'm playing hooky.

I never miss an estate sale.

They're treasure troves
for vintage p*rn.

- Oh?
- Oh.

Very much "oh."

Last month, I found a poor-condition

Penthouse number one!

It tells the vag*na's origin story.

Welcome, everyone!

Here comes the crazy backstory.

I bet she'll say an
astronaut lived here.

No! A disgraced sea captain!

Bet you a slice of pie.

You're on!

The items in this
house are very special,

because the owner was very unique.

The house was owned by...

Come on, disgraced sea captain...

a wizard!

- Damn!
- Pie!

Better get your checkbooks out,

because you pathetic mortals can
own a dead wizard's air fryer!

ROGER: I'll pay fifty dollars for it!

Rolex Gordini, and I'm my own boss.

Reselling random stuff on eBay

is one of my many side
gigs in the new economy.

Okay.

How much for this fancy comb?

Ahh yes, the enchanted hair comb.

Save it, lady.

- Five bucks?
- Sold.

Is this a first generation Sonicare?!

I'll give you ten dollars for it.

Two hundred if it comes
with the gunky base.

Three hundred if it
comes with a funky vase.

That comb gives me the creeps.

What's with all the weird
writing on the side?

Whatever man,
it's gonna look sick in my alcove.

Let's boogie.

♪♪

Ooh.

Get in line,
those are the hottest boys in town.

Anyhoo, I'll be taking this turn o'
the century strap-on.

That's a civil w*r telescope.

Riiiiight.

♪♪

Albuquerque has been on warp speed

with sandwich development
for years, Francine!

Who would've thought we'd
see jalapeño ciabatta

in our lifetime?

[EASTERN EUROPEAN HOUSE MUSIC
PLAYING THROUGH SPEAKER]

Is this joker serious?

Think ya could use headphones, pal?

Nah.

This [BLEEP] guy, Stan!

The nerve! And so ugly!

Please, let's not do anything rash...

Especially his face is ugly!

[MUSIC SHUTS OFF]

Okay sure,
that was my black cherry Zevia...

[OBJECT THUMPING]

What was that?!

[SHIVERS]

Little chilly.

Jesus, Stan.
It's cold as a mummy's popsicle in here.

Stan?

Who's there?

[OBJECT THUMPS]

Who's down there?

Jeff?

Hayley?

Jurgen?

♪♪

Ahhhhhhhhh!

You saw a ghost?! Are you okay?

This is gonna sound weird,
but I'm actually better than okay.

I want you to meet my...

♪♪

g-g-g-g...

Yes! My new girlfriend!

She's a wraith, bro!

[SHRIEKS]

I get it, man.
I passed out last night, too.

From exhaustion.

From all the lovemaking.

Jeff, wake up,
you're being rude right now.

♪♪

As I was saying, making love to a wraith

is like boning a fine mist.

Is that good?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, yes.

Oh, my God!
There's a ghost doing sudoku!

She's my new girlfriend!

How?

Love is a mystery, Hayley.

I was just explaining
that to these jabronis.

- Pull up a seat.
- Definitely not.

Hey, don't you have a pickleball
match against the Debs?

[SHRIEKS]

Don't be jealous, you can come.

I'm actually a bit of an athlete.

Feel my bicep.

[STRAINING] I'm not even flexing.

Waddup, Debs?

Ready to get your sh*t rocked again?

Is the wraith gonna sit
there the whole time?

Of course, she's my girlfriend.
Head in the game.

It's just...
I didn't want to say anything before,

but it kinda feels like she's
staring through my soul.

You wish, bro. Head in the game!

Okay!

Fault! Heh,

looks like your ace server's
having an off day, Klaus!

Classic Deb, always with the razzing!

[BLEEP] this bitch up.

Aah!

I'm so sorry! I'll bring water!

And a beer!

Oh, good, you're awake.

I have terrible news.

Stan, your jaw is completely shattered.

[MUFFLED] Need sandwiches.

Sandwiches? Oh, hell no.

Your life is headed in
another direction right now.

You're entering the straw phase.

♪♪

Um, Klaus? You missed the part

where you bang coconuts together.

Let's talk about the creative
direction of this band.

This song sounds too, I dunno, happy?

But good music isn't happy, right?

I think our songs should be darker,
wraithier.

Our songs should be wraithier?

Exactly.

And this is your idea?

Yes. I've been wrestling
with it for weeks.

Really? You wanted
our music to be wraithier

even before you two met?

We should be experimenting
with new kinds of instruments.

Like instead of coconuts,

I could shake this coffee
tin filled with old teeth.

[TEETH RATTLING]

Sounds great, right?

- Klaus...
- Or I could rattle chains.

Klaus?

[LAUGHS]

Sorry, sometimes she hijacks my brain

and shows me hilarious visions.

- She's so funny.
- Ugh.

Jeff, where are you going?

Damn, he's gone.

Show me the cat video again.

[LAUGHING]

♪♪

How's your lasagna, Stan?

Smooth enough for ya?

Let me guess.
Mom pissed off another beefy dude

and dad got caught in the crossfire.

Sorry we're late. We were making love.

Well...?

You're too kind.

Now, I have an announcement!

The wraith and I are going to
rent a lake house together!

What?! You're taking that
thing to our lake house?!

I'm sorry, did we talk about
renting a lake house together?

Yeah! You said
it was your greatest dream!

Really? Huh.

I don't even remember thinking that.

May I be excused?!

Who are you asking?

Permission!

I need advice, Roger.

You caught me at a bad time.

I'm freelance graphic
designing a new Apple logo.

It's on spec so I won't get
paid until Tim Cook buys it.

I can't stand Klaus's girlfriend.

She ruined our pleasant afternoons!

Sounds like a textbook comb wraith.

A what?

I'll explain in the car.

I'm also a Lyft driver.

If I can design a couple
of logos on the way,

bring Greg his pad
Thai and build a shed,

I'll make forty-five dollars today.

This is the last
surviving Lyft mustache.

They don't want people
to use these anymore.

Go ahead, try it on.

JEFF: Ugh, I wish Klaus's
wraith would disappear forever.

- Are you being selfish, Jeff?
- No.

Okay, then I will help.

Klaus's wraith is tethered

to the comb he bought
at the estate sale.

Wherever the comb goes, the wraith goes.

Steal the comb and give
it to someone else.

It's the only way to break them up.

- [CELLPHONE DINGS]
- Uhp, I got a hit on my Sweet Chef.

It's this app where the angry
chef at a mediocre restaurant

lets out his frustrations on
me instead of the waitresses.

♪♪

JEFF: Bingo.

♪♪

[OBJECT THUMPS]

[SHRIEKS]

Aah! I'm pooing, I'm pooing myself!

This is exceptional work, Jeffrey.

Outstanding!

Bravo!

You're quiet today.

Oh, it's nothing.

Hey, did you see my wraith this morning?

When I woke up, she was gone.

Gone, you say?

And she took all her stuff,
even her comb.

She did leave some shitty
underwear on the floor,

so I guess that's a good sign.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

We get it, Tuttle.
You're in a good mood.

Oh, I'm better than good.

I don't want to speak out of turn,

but last night I got la-la-la-la-la-laid

by a wra-wra- wra-wra-wra-wraith!

[GASPS]

That's how I looked last night,

for like an hour.

After the sex that
lasted thirty seconds.

I was doing what I do every night...
getting my reps in.

Three hundred ninety-six...

Three hundred ninety-seven...

Oh, hello.

And now we're in love!

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYS]

She left me...

for Tuttle.

[SOBBING]

Klaus, this isn't the place to do this.

Would you like me to
walk you to Chili's?

♪♪

Do you ever feel lonely during the day?

God, no. I have the TV,

a handful of imaginary friends.

This right here is the good life.

My good man!

Care for a pleasant afternoon?

Sorry, but I'm too depressed

about losing the love of my life.

Well, then a pleasant afternoon

may be just what the doctor ordered.

I'm just gonna stay
here and watch cocomelon

until I understand it.

This is effing horse crap!

We're going to have a pleasant afternoon

whether you like it or not!

You can't make me.

I guess you can.

Stan! Where are you?

Your banana-ribeye smoothie
is starting to look nasty.

Stan?

Eating a sandwich in your
condition would be su1c1de.

[GRUNTS]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Let's go, Son.
There's nothing to see here.

♪♪

[GRUNTING]

♪♪

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

♪♪

♪♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪♪

[GROANS]

This is the lake house I
rented for my ex-wraith!

Why would you take me here?

Because before it was your guys's dream,

it was our guys's dream.

I already set up Scrabble,
the most pleasant board game.

_

_

_

Let's play something else.

Just stop, Jeff!

Leave me alone so I can
die in heartbroken agony.

Or a blood infection from
scooting along this cabin floor.

[SIGHS]

[BEEP, PHONE LINE RINGING]

Roger, I need you to steal
the comb back from Tuttle.

I'm delivering grub tonight.

Log onto the app,
order a mediterranean platter

- and write "comb" in the notes.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]

My cheek must've grazed the screen

because I accepted a
housecleaning job in Chimdale.

[CAR CRASHES]

Oh, I hit a deer!

Never mind, it's just a guy.

DOCTOR: Well, look who it is.

Stan Smith, star of the local newspaper!

Amazing man eats sandwich
was the headline, I believe.

I don't think I like your tone, Doctor.

My husband is a hero.

Your husband broke
expensive medical equipment.

That's not considered very
"heroic" where I come from.

That's odd, Doctor.

I could've sworn you came
from up your own ass.

[WHIMPERS]

Excuse me?

Oh, I must be mistaken.

That's where yo mama came from!

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

Oh, now you're starting with me?!

You call those punches?

If you're gonna give him a massage,

I'm gonna go to the cafeteria.

Thanks, Roger.

Whoa, what's up
with this cucumber salad?

It's all sloshed around
with the hummus...

These mountain roads
are extremely winding,

but that twenty percent
tip is gonna go a long way

towards the repairs the car needs.

Okay.

Awwww shucks.

Still depressed. Just taking a leak.

I'm sorry, Klaus.

The wraith's comb?

Why do you have this?

The wraith never left you for Tuttle.

She is forced to go
wherever the comb goes...

so I stole it while you were sleeping

- and gave it to him.
- What?!

I thought she was ruining
pleasant afternoons,

but I was the real problem.

Are you kidding me?
You sabotaged my relationship

to save pleasant afternoons!?

I did.

That's the most beautiful thing

that anyone has ever done for me.

Huh?

You fought for me, bro!

No one's ever done that before.

What about the wraith?

I really thought I loved her,

but I guess she never had a choice.

She had to go where the comb told her.

You know what,
I'm gonna do the right thing

and set this bad bitch free!

♪♪

[BOTH SCREAMING]

That comb was my [BLEEP] home!

Now I destroyed your home!

How does that feel?!

- Technically, it's a Vrbo.
- Klaus!

How about I destroy
your bodies instead?!

How about you don't!

Klaus just set you free.
He's a good guy.

You'd be lucky to have a guy like Klaus!

He told everyone we had sex,
which is not true.

- You didn't?
- Easy now, we did some stuff.

No, we didn't.

Do you want to... now?

[SHRIEKING]

[HISSING]

♪ He goes by the
name of Old Ulysses ♪

♪ Old Ulysses ♪

Stop! You're free now.

Do you really want to k*ll us?

I...

I don't know what I want.

No one has ever asked me before.

Well, what do you want?

No, I'm too embarrassed to say.

Christ, girl! Just say it!

Well, I guess I always wanted to, um...

visit every major
league baseball stadium

over one unforgettable summer.

That sounds... pleasant.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

♪♪

JEFF:
And that's how a pleasant afternoon

turned into the greatest
summer of our lives.

Wraithy, I'm home!

Belinda?

Ohh!

She's gone!

Bye-bye! See you soon!