05x20 - What's So Funny About Peas, Love and Understanding?

[bunniefuu]

[blues music]

Mark, can I come in?

Sure. Let me just unlock the sheet.

When are you going to stop
using your bassoon case

as a backpack and tell Mom
you didn't get the orchestra seat?

I gotta wait.

I mean, when's the right
time to tell her that

I'm not getting a music scholarship,

and I'm going to spend the rest
of my life living in her window seat?

- You got a nice view of the street.
- Yeah.

Last night some guy watched

"Beetlejuice" with me
through the window.

He seemed okay, except for the
shopping cart full of mannequin arms.

You're going to have to tell
Mom about it sooner or later.

I know, but I...

It's a no-win scenario.

I can either make a good day bad,
or a bad day worse.

Or you could make your
news not seem so bad

by waiting until
something worse happens.

I mean, you're friends with
a homeless arm collector.

It should happen any day now.

Okay, I heard a car pull up.
Everybody get ready.

Come on, come on.

Surprise!

Ah!

You're not Aunt Darlene.

Oh!

[cheering, laughing]

Wow, thank you.

I haven't had anything
in my eyes all day.

Yeah.

There would have been
more, but the kid blew it.

Uncle Ben let me drink coffee.

I can't stop moving.

You did what?

You know, she's sluggish in the morning.

This is so sweet.

But I can't tell if
that sign is sarcastic.

Always assume that it is.

Hey, check out the new work badge.

They put a smile on you.

It's amazing what these
new camera filters can do.

No, it's not a filter.

That's my actual smile.

- I'm happy.
- All right.

- So you had a good day?
- Yeah, yeah.

And thank you for being
patient while I looked

- for another management job.
- Ahh.

Hey, you hear that, ulcer?
It was worth it.

I never thought my self-esteem was

tied up in my job, but I do love having

that sign on my door again.

Wait. Does it say "women,"
and there are a lot of other people

doing their business in there?

No, it's really great.

And the other thing... that's not all.

I'm having them take
% out of every paycheck

'cause I want to save
up and buy you a car,

so you can drive home and visit.

Um, actually,

slippers will be fine,
'cause I'll just be right over there.

What are you talking about?

The other kid got the orchestra seat.

I'm not getting a scholarship.

I'm not going to college.

Why didn't you tell me?

You... you've just been
under so much pressure

with everything lately.
I didn't want to pile on.

In Mark's defense, he has put
a lot of effort into lying to you.

I'm sorry I ruined your day.

No. No, don't worry.

Listen, we will figure
something out, okay?

[sighs]

Poor kid.

Think you're going to
be able to put aside

enough from your new job?

No. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Well, my ulcer has a new friend...

[inhales sharply]

Chest pain.

[blues music]

♪ ♪

The Conners is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Hey.

You know, I never want
to give you a hard time

about how you dress at work, but lately,

people have started asking

if you just got out of the hospital.

Oh, that explains the increase in tips

and the woman who said,
"I hope you b*at this thing."

I've been so tired lately.

I'm really not trying
to win a beauty contest.

I know. But all I'm saying is,
this place is full of guys.

You might be able to meet
somebody here, you know,

if you put on some real clothes,

and if your hair didn't look like

it was combed by a wolf paw.

I'm doing fine.

I got all the guys on "Love Island."

And if I'm in the mood for a bad boy,

I've got "Love After Lockup."

You've got to do something

to get Becky back out there,

because she's too young to be giving up.

Yeah. We've got to help
her boost her confidence.

You know, I did this for my drummer

when he was feeling
unattractive after losing

the middle of his nose to cocaine.

Just tell her that you
found this on the counter.

"This is for the hot blonde waitress.

"I wish I had the nerve to
tell you how beautiful you are.

I'm certainly not here for the food."

Hey!

Trying to keep it real. Come on.

Becky.

Hey, I found this on the counter.

- I think it's for you.
- Oh.

Oh, wow.

That is so sweet.

Right? Look at that.

- And you weren't even trying.
- Right?

If I find this guy, I'll never
have to clean myself up again.

Do you think he's still here?

Um, probably not.

He... he sounds like he's pretty shy.

I-I'm sure he left.

Well, you don't know that for sure.

Ugh, I hope he's one of the cute ones.

Right.

Wedding ring.

Wedding ring.

Wedding ring.

Hi.

Uh, I think you might
have dropped something.

Not me.

But it you're looking, I got
an El Camino in the parking lot

with a couple of blankets in the back.

But if we started at the fairy tale,

where do we go from there?

Hi.

Uh, does this napkin look familiar?

Is it claiming to know me?

Because I'm here with
a different napkin.

I might have dropped that napkin.

- What did it say?
- Oh, you know.

It was just some guy
trying to hit on me.

That must happen to you a lot.

Not as much as you might think.

You want some more coffee?

- No, I'm okay, thanks.
- Okay.

You know, uh, for someone who
says they're not interested,

- you seem pretty interested.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I guess I wouldn't
mind meeting someone.

But it's just so much hassle.

You don't have to do it alone.

How about Jackie and I take
you to the Lobo this weekend?

Yeah, Lobo.
It's just like "Love Island."

All the guys got six-packs.

Just no abs.

[laughter]

[blues music]

Oh. Hey, kiddo.

I'm sorry to hear about Mark.

I know how much you were
counting on him getting that money.

Can I get you a beer?

No, thanks. I'm busy looking
through these scholarship pamphlets.

Any luck finding new ones?

Well, there's a couple of possibilities.

The National Height
Society is offering $

to anyone over '".

I think they put the
money on a high shelf,

and if you can reach it, it's yours.

Maybe there's one for
young men who dress

like small-town doctors.

[chuckles] Oh, man.

Most of these are only
a couple hundred bucks.

You need every one of
them to afford college.

I know. And these are
only his safety schools,

and they're tens of thousands of
dollars more than we can afford.

The ones he hasn't applied
to yet are even more.

I just... I don't know
how people do this.

Mm, I know.

My college roommate's mom
had to work at our school

just to get him, like,
% off his tuition.

Are you kidding me?

- That's, like, a thing?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

I mean, I guess I could look into jobs

where Mark's been accepted,
just to see what's available.

Hey, whoa.

I was just riffing.

You just got this job.

Yeah, I know.

But I don't know how else I'm
going to pay for Mark's tuition.

Look, who knows. Maybe they
have a management job that's

as good, or even better.

Well, hey, look.

You see this scholarship
here offering grand?

National Nudist Benefit Fund.

Oh, wait. That's a scam.

It says they're holding
auditions at the Red Roof Inn.

Well, yeah, but then he'd qualify

for this trauma victim scholarship too.

Oh, no. Also holding
auditions at the Red Roof Inn.

[laughs]

They need to vet these better.

Thank you for setting up
this interview so quickly.

My son Mark was accepted
here, and because you guys have

such a great computer science program,

he's considering coming.

He would make a fantastic, um...

Fighting, like, potato bug?

It's a boll weevil.

We had to change our mascot last year

because our old one was
highly offensive to the Dutch.

Mm.

Well, the point is, I could
really use your tuition benefit.

And I'd actually consider
leaving my position

at Chicago Can, even though
the place would probably

fall apart without me.

It looks like you were
only there for one day.

And I can bring that
level of commitment here.

Well, it's an awfully
good tuition benefit.

Your son would basically
be going here for free.

Free?

Oh my god, that is fantastic.

And actually, I saw a
couple of management jobs

on your website that
I would be great for.

I'm so sorry.

We've been in an executive
hiring freeze for a year.

I called you in because you have
food service experience at a casino.

Uh, excuse me?

We have an opening for a
line worker in the cafeteria.

Uh, you mean like a lunch lady?

We call it lunch person.

Um, could you look again?

I mean, there's got
to be something else.

Oh.

Um, well, I didn't see this.

You also qualify to
flush out the blood drains

in the medical school's cadaver lab.

Is there a blood drain manager?

Look, I know you're
overqualified for this.

But if you don't want
the job, I can't help you.

Well, "want" isn't really the issue.

All right. Can I have a
night to think about it?

Yeah, but don't wait too long.

We have a huge wait
list of people begging

to get out of the cadaver lab.

Guess all the zombie TV
shows aren't helping you guys.

We sat at the tables,
we danced by the jukebox,

and now we're playing pool

because you said guys would come over.

I think we're playing too well.

If we acted like we didn't
know what we were doing,

guys would be swarming
over to mansplain this game.

Yeah, Louise is right.

Oh, this... this is an impossible sh*t.

I don't know how I
could possibly make this.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to get a guy for Becky.

There's too many of you.

It looks like the two of you are taking

the village idiot out for ladies' night.

Okay. None of this is happening.

You all have a nice night.

I will be at the bar
ordering sober mom drinks.

This is why I haven't been
trying to find someone.

There goes the hair.

She's giving up again.

Becky, right?

Tyler.

You probably don't remember me,

but I watch a lot of
basketball at the Lunch Box.

- Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hi.

Did you ever find out who
that napkin belonged to?

Why are you bothering this poor woman?

You don't have to
talk to him to be nice.

Unless you can introduce him
to a homely friend or something.

Mom, I told you you could come

if you agreed to sip your Gin
Rickey and do your find-a-word.

This is what I get
for trying to help you.

Since we're going to be on
these stools for a while,

I'm going to go to the
car and get my donut.

I'm really sorry.

She just wants me to be happy,

but doesn't realize
she can accomplish that

by passing quietly in the night.

[laughs] No need to apologize.

My family is here embarrassing me too.

You might have noticed my aunt
writhing on the pool table.

My mom saw her.
She said, um, "Try that one.

- She doesn't look right."
- [laughs]

They're so lucky.

They don't have to
play these stupid games.

I hate it too.

I cannot bear the thought of going

on first dates to find someone

I actually connect with.

I wish I could just fast forward...

Be sitting next to my wife
at my kid's basketball game,

making each other laugh by making

- fun of the other parents.
- [laughs]

And then going to Applebee's
and splitting two desserts

and pretending it's
only half the calories.

Yeah. Or lying in bed,
watching romcoms with the sound down

and making up our own dialogue.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Like in "When Harry Met Sally."

She could say, uh, "I really
love that wagon wheel table."

- Oh, that's a cool table.
- I have that table!

- No, you don't.
- I do.

- It drives the women wild.
- [laughs] God,

I haven't watched that
movie in a long time.

- I got to watch it again.
- Yeah.

But you got to watch it with
someone who gets the table.

Yeah.

Hey, Tyler.

My friends left, so I'm
ready for that drink now.

Oh. Uh...

If I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh, no, no!

Um, I was just asking
how the fries are here.

Uh, please, take my seat.

Go Bulls.

[blues riff]

Hey!

Becky left this at the bar last night.

Oh. Well, that's why
she's not getting any guys.

She sheds.

How'd the meeting go at the college?

Uh, they offered me a job and basically

a free tuition for Mark.

- That's great!
- Yeah.

I knew you'd figure it out.

See if you can guess the job.

Here's a clue:

If you get it right, I'll be sad.

Lunch lady.

I didn't expect that.

Yeah. You don't have to tell me that

it's an honest living

and there's no shame and
doing what you need to do

- to help your kid.
- Okay, I won't.

I think you're out of
your mind if you take this.

[scoffs] Well, what
do you want me to do?

This is the only way
that Mark can afford

a university education without
being crippled with debt

for the rest of his life.

And between Ben and me,
we make just enough not

to qualify for financial aid.

Well, at least keep your job

and send him to a community college.

No. I ruled that out a long time ago.

I want him to have the experience

that he dreamed about
since he was a little kid.

And now I have a way to do it.

All right, so I'll be a
lunch lady for five years.

And then when Mark
graduates, I can find a job

in management again.

You'll be a woman in your s.

You really think you're going
to scoop corn for five years,

and then jump back in?

Now you're dreaming.

I don't know.
Maybe I have to take that chance.

You take chances in your s and s.

I can't believe you're
going to quit a job

where you finally have a
chance to put away some money.

I want what's best for Mark too.

But if you don't want to work
till you drop like your old dad,

I'd think long and hard about this.

Okay. So if I'm hearing you right,

what you're saying is,
it's an honest living

and there's no shame in
doing what you need to do

to help your kid.

[blues riff]

This is a treat.

We don't usually get lunch together.

Mm, yeah.

Because you always make me pay.

So your dad told me
about the cafeteria job,

and he wants me to try to
convince you not to take it.

Ah.

Well, you're not going
to have to work too hard.

Pretty sure I'm not doing it now.

I mean, that would mean we'd have

to keep struggling to make
ends meet for five more years.

I can't do that to you.

Yeah, but that's what you do.
You do things to me.

And you are a saint with a hole in
your stomach because you let me.

But I mean, think about it.

How do I give up the can company job?

Well, I can't tell you how much

I appreciate you thinking of me.

Um, you are the buttermilk

to my perforated stomach lining.

[chuckles]

But you need to go be a lunch lady.

If you don't take this job
and send Mark to college,

you will not have another
happy day the rest of your life.

I can handle an ulcer,

but I can't handle seeing you with one.

- Oh, my God, Ben.
- Yeah.

But I will tell you this...

If Mark majors in philosophy,

I will strangle him with his cardigan.

God. Thank you.

I'm sorry I've destroyed your life.

- I'll start cooking.
- Okay.

Oh. Hey, Tyler.

- How'd it go last night?
- Pretty well.

I got lucky.

It's kind of weird and
personal to bring that up,

but go Bulls.

No, I got lucky because
I got to talk to you.

And I feel pretty weird
coming into your workplace

to ask you out, but I didn't
know where else to find you.

You're asking me out?

Well, I could pretend I wasn't,
if you're going to say no.

No, no. I was going to say yes.

Really? That's great.

Can we take a selfie?

Mm, why?

It's nothing creepy. It's for my mom.

She told me you were out of my league,

and I want to ruin her day.

[laughs] Okay.

Well, then text it to me,

because I'm going to put it on Instagram

and say that we're engaged
and you're an airline pilot.

I am an airline pilot.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah! Look.

Got my little wing pin right here.

God, does that mean
you can fly me anywhere

in the world for free?

Yeah.

But I fly for FedEx, so
you got to get in a box.

[blues riff]

- Hey.
- Hey, how was work?

Not great.

I had to chase a guy who
was shoplifting macaroons.

He ran into traffic, and
thought, enjoy your cookies.

Would your day be better if I told you

you were going to Stephen
A. Douglas University

basically for free?

Are... are you kidding me?
How'd you do that?

They offered me a job there,
and they give employees

- a huge tuition break.
- That's unbelievable.

What are you doing there?

I'm going to be a lunch lady.

- Mom.
- Don't bother. Everybody's tried.

Come on. I'm never going to feel right

letting you do that.

Look, Mark.

I have never been able to give you

the things that you deserve.

[choking up] And I've watched
you lower your expectations

year after year.

I mean, do you know how
much it broke my heart

to get a Christmas
list from you that said,

"Socks, but only if they're on sale"?

For once, I have the
chance to give you something

that you've worked so hard for.

So let me, okay?

But you're...
You're going to be miserable.

I'm not going to be miserable alone.

I mean, you are going to
be working your ass off

at Whole Foods, and
you're going to be fighting

to stay on the dean's list.

And when you're in line in the cafeteria

you are going to call me
mom, because everybody's

going to damn well know how
much I'm sacrificing for you.

It's okay. I'll... I'll just call the
other lunch ladies mom too.

[sighs]

Uh, hi.

This is Darlene Conner.

I'm a manager in accounts receivable.

I mean, I was.

Oh.

English.

[slowly] English.

Quit job.

How was it?

Fine, for being on my feet all day.

Uh, when I finally sat down in my car

my spine sounded like
a dryer full of gravel.

So why did you ask me to meet you here?

Right this way.

Ta-da!

What's this?

In honor of your
sacrifice, we've created

a vegan cafeteria where we serve you.

[chuckles]

Thank you. This is perfect.

Ah, glad you like it.

Because once we're done serving you,

we're all going to go out and eat things

that had parents. [chuckles]

[giggles]