01x03 - The Second Time Around

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Can you pass me the ribs?


I need the spleen, too.


"Visible vivian --


An educational experience from the inside out."


How can they let kids look at something like this?


Pornographic plastic.


Dad, are you gonna help me or not?


Yeah, but when you said "model,"


I thought you were talking about a plane or a battleship.


I didn't know you meant a naked lady.


Look at her.


She's got...chests.


They're not "chests," dad.


On women, they're called "breasts."


Don't say that until you have them.


[ Tires screech, loud crash ]


Oh, my gosh.


Look what that dumb broad did to my squad car!


Hey, chief, I got a riddle for you.


What's black and white and spread all over?


Oh, good evening. I-i'm marian grover.


I hope I'm not disturbing you.


Are you some kind of nut? You just creamed my car.


I am disturbing you, aren't i?


Don't wink at me, lady.


I'm -- I'm not winking.


You're not gonna get out of this with that come-on.


Oh, no, I'm not coming on.


It's just that one of my contact lenses popped out.


[ Chuckles ]


I think I must have swallowed it while I was screaming.


Miss, are you okay?


Do you want me to call you an ambulance?


Oh, no, it's all right. It was a soft lens.


Hey, kid! Put down that hubcap!


Uh, come in, miss grover, and have a seat.


Samantha, go work on your model.


Thank you very much.


I just can't believe that I wrecked a police car.


Oh, don't feel bad. I hated that car.


Oh, you did?


Every time the chief took me to the market,


People thought I was getting busted.


Chief?


Don't tell me that car belongs to the chief of police.


Yeah.


Oh. Well, that figures.


This morning, I found a one-leaf clover.


[ Laughs ]


It was the moth.


I better call that ambulance.


No, no, I'm all right, honestly.


I was just driving along,


And this gigantic moth came flying through the window


And sat on my face.


How's your car?


It's not as bad as I thought.


Do you want to try again?


Do you know --


Excuse me, but you look very familiar.


Did you ever play football?


Yeah, but that was a long time ago, in high school.


Franklin high?


Yeah.


[ Laughing ] oh, no.


Tell me something. Does this ring a bell?


♪ Speedy, speedy, he's our guy ♪


♪ K-a-n-i-s-k-y!


I can't believe it. That was more than years ago.


Speedy? This man was once called "speedy"?


Oh.


[ Laughs ]


Sure. That was his nickname in high school.


"Speedy" kanisky. Boy, did I have a crush on you.


I used to stand over there at the sidelines,


Just holding my pom-poms and wishing we could meet.


It was a thrill to watch you play.


Really?


Yeah. Your buns looked so cute


In those tight, little pants.


Yesterday's buns are today's bowling balls.


So, tell me, whatever happened to you after high school?


Did you ever marry that, um...



Margaret hoffman or huffman?


Yeah, yeah, I did, but she passed away a while ago.


Oh, I'm sorry.


Oh, so this is your second wife?


No, no, we're not married.


Yeah, we just live together.


This is nell, our soon-to-be ex-housekeeper.


[ Laughs ]


Hey, wait a minute.


You're marian "boom boom" shepley, aren't you?


I remember you.


That's right.


Well, look, marian, I know this has been tough on you,


But I think we better go outside


And see if we can get our cars off the lawn.


Sure, speedy, I'll just grab my purse.


Hey.


Oh, oops. [ Chuckles ]


Boy, without that lens,


You're really nearsighted, aren't you?


Not really.


Katie, do you think marian and dad do it?


I hope so. Maybe he won't be so grumpy anymore.


"It"? What's "it"?


It. It's what everybody does.


Except me.


Last week, amy pressman told me


I was the only virgin in our class.


Oh, you don't believe that, do you?


It doesn't matter. Last friday, everything changed.


It did?!


Yeah, a new one moved in from san diego.


Well, I'll bet dad doesn't "it" with marian at all.


Come on. She's even picking out his clothes now.


Have you seen his new sports jacket?


He looks like a plaid pillsbury doughboy.


Oh, I like it.


It's the only thing he has that isn't gray.


Well, except for his underwear. That's pink.


'Cause I washed it with his red socks.


[ Laughter ]


[ Door opens ]


Hey. Look who's here.


A stranger in the night.


What's the matter?


Nothing's the matter.


[ Laughs ]


Nothing's the matter.


I just want to spend a quiet evening at home,


Help samantha work on her doll.


That's great, dad, 'cause I really need your help.


But something is bothering you.


You're bothering me. There's nothing the matter.


Oh, come on, chief.


It's not good to keep this stuff in.


It's too much pressure. Your brain will explode.


You can't keep this stuff bottled up.


All right. Women stink.


Put a cork in it, chief.


I called marian tonight for a date,


And you know what she told me?


She's already got some guy over there.


Uh-oh, somebody else is fondling her albums.


Well, he can have her, 'cause I don't want her.


I don't care if she comes crawling to me


On her hands and knees.


I'm through.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello?


It's for you, speedy.


Guess who?


Hello?


Marian, it's nice to hear your voice.


Thataway, chief, make her crawl.


Well, how could a moth trap you in your own apartment?


Well, don't you have a flyswatter?


Well, yeah, I got one.


Can't your date k*ll a crummy bug?


Well, if you really want me to.


All right, I'll be right over.


Bye, honey.


♪ I'm just a prisoner of love ♪


Well, what can I do?


The poor woman's being att*cked by a moth.


Dad, when are you gonna help me with my model?


Tomorrow night, I promise.


Well, what if tomorrow night a bee flies up her nose?


Nell, would you get my new sports jacket out of the closet?


Why? You want to k*ll a moth with bad taste?


Is this thing white?


Oh, yeah.


Chief, this closet is jammed.


I wish you would start using this one.


And I wish you'd start minding your own business.


That was margaret's closet,


And nobody's putting anything in it.


Well, you know me, chief.


I never question your right to remain stupid.


Mom would never dump me for another woman.


This thing just doesn't look white.



It's got to be. Why?


It matches your underwear.


Oh, yeah.


You forgot your g*n.


[ Sniffles ]


Samantha, what's the matter?


[ Crying ] I don't want a stepmother!


What?! What? What's the matter?


I stepped in the water in your bathtub.


Carl, I'm sorry. I've got slow drains.


I couldn't see any moth.


Maybe he lowered himself out the window


On some dental floss.


Oh, here, use this.


Oh, thank you.


Oh, I like your hankie, carl.


This is a very nice color for you.


Yeah, white's one of my favorites.


Here, let me have these.


I'll just put these shoes in the oven for you.


Oh, thank you.


There. [ Chuckles ]


You know what, marian?


What?


This is very sexy.


You mean it?


Yeah, it's been a long time


Since anyone took off my shoes,


Except the guy at thom mccann's.


You know, I can't figure out


Why that guy ran out on you


Just because of a little moth.


Uh, carl, I have a little confession to make.


There... Wasn't another guy.


I just said that to make you jealous.


You mean I lugged that flyswatter


All the way over here for nothing?


I'll try to make it up to you.


Well, great.


Excuse me.


Give me your feet.


You know what you've got?


What?


Handsome feet.


You really think so?


Oh, yeah.


You know, they say you can tell a lot about a man


By the size of his big toe.


That's quite a toe you've got there, carl.


I stubbed it on the bathtub.


Maybe it's a little swollen.


Don't be so modest.


[ Chuckles ]


[ "Prisoner of love" plays ]


♪ Alone from night to night, you'll find me ♪


♪ Too weak to break the chains that bind me ♪


♪ I need no shackles to remind me ♪


I knew it. I knew I'd be lousy at this.


No, you're not lousy. That was great.


I was very awkward.


I mean, it's been years


Since I had to find a new place to put my nose.


Carl, it was perfect.


If we were eskimos,


I'd be three months' pregnant now.


Come on. Let's give it another try.


♪ I can't escape, for it's too late now ♪


♪ I'm just a prisoner of love


See?


♪ What's the good of my caring? ♪


You know something, marian?


What?


You got a great build on you.


I hope you get to know it a lot better.


I love it when you talk dirty.


Come on, sam. Stop being such a lump.


I hate marian.


What's the big deal?


Dad's just out having a good time.


Why her? She's so old.


Sam, she's not old to him.


When he looks at her,


He still sees a pretty, little high-school girl.


Well, she's been in th grade a long time.


Come on, didn't you see the smile on his face


When he left here tonight?


He looked simpy.


Samantha.


I don't care.


If he marries her, I'm moving in with you.


We already live together.


Well, then I'll run away.


I don't want a stepmother.


How do you know? Have you ever had one?


I read "cinderella."


Baby, come and sit down. Come here.


First of all, girls, you mean more to the chief


Than anyone else in the world.


Second, we don't even know


If he's gonna marry the old witch.



Carl, carl, you know how in high school,


They always used to say "nice girls don't"?


Yeah.


Well, I'm a nice girl. I-i really am.


But I do.


At least, I used to.


I mean, I haven't in a long time.


But now I want to.


So do i.


You do?


There's nothing more I want than...


To...


♪ I can't have another, for I'm not free ♪


♪ She's in my dreams, awake or sleeping ♪


What's the matter?


I...can't.


Can't what?


I-i can't...stay here.


I-i-i -- i-i've got to go home.


Aah!


Carl?


Listen. Carl?


Listen, if it's toothpaste, you can use mine.


[ Keys jingle ]


[ Door creaks ]


[ Door creaks ]


[ Knock on door ]


Wait a minute.


Come in.


Hi, chief.


I thought you might like some ice cream.


Oh, thank you.


Want to talk about your date?


No.


Why not? We always talk about your dates.


We never talk about my dates.


Listen, do you want to talk or split hairs?


There's nothing to talk about. Nothing happened.


Oh? You scared her with your big toe?


I just couldn't do it.


Oh.


That nothing happened.


I felt like I was... Cheating.


Chief, you're gonna have to get over it.


Well, I can't.


Well, you might as well just pack it in, jack.


'Cause you're gonna end up being an awfully lonely old man.


Well, what am I supposed to do?


Go out, enjoy yourself.


Have an affair.


With marian?


Or with the dallas cheerleaders.


I just don't know marian that well.


What if she snores?


What if she wears those dumb hair curlers?


What if she burns your toast?


You never know what's gonna go wrong with people.


She may gain weight.


Yeah, I hate fat people.


Or she could go bald. She could get sick.


Or she could die.


Right.


Wait, I didn't say that.


No, but that's what you were thinking, weren't you?


Well, it's hard not to.


I don't think I could go through that twice, nell.


Well, chief, you might as well


Just lay down and die, then.


'Cause can't nobody promise you


That it won't happen again --


Not me, not marian.


Not anybody.


Damn it, margaret, why did you have to go and die?


We had a life together -- a beautiful life.


Now what is it? It's garbage.


You shouldn't have died, margaret. You --


You know, sometimes my mind plays funny tricks on me.


I'm looking at the phone, and, suddenly, I think


It's gonna ring and it's gonna be the doctor saying...


"Carl, we made a mistake.


"Margaret's not gonna die.


She's coming home to you."


Goodbye, sweetheart.