01x05 - Do or Diet

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Dad, it's awful hard for nell to stick to her diet


When you're stuffing your face like that.


I'm not stuffing my face.


Nellthat's right.


He's eating for two in case he gets pregnant.


Listen, don't take it out on me.


If you want to starve yourself, that's your problem.


Hey, I'm not taking it out on you.


I feel great.


I'm eating clean, lean, and healthy.


After all, you are what you eat.


Another helping of jackass, chief?


You see what I mean?


You take away their trough, and they get vicious.


I don't think you're fat, nell.


Oh, thanks, sweetheart.


But if I gain any more weight,


I'm going to have to trade in my nightgown for a hefty bag.


[ Sighs ]


See, that's why I joined this diet group.


Nell, you're wasting your time with that school for whales.


You don't have a problem.


Most of that weight is nothing but water.


You could lose it in a minute...


Just squirt it out through your trunk.


Dad!


You know, dad,


Nell's diet group is meeting here tomorrow night.


Maybe you should stick around.


I don't have to go through that kind of stuff.


No, you're pretty well stuffed already.


Now, listen, I may be a little husky,


But I'm not one of your fatso friends, so just back off.


Boy, daddy.


And you cut the comedy and eat your dinner.


I don't want any more.


Well, eat it anyway.


I got to go down to the station house and finish some reports.


Daddy?


I don't think you need to lose any weight.


Oh, thank you, sweetheart.


I like you just the way you are...


All warm and soft and gushy.


Good night.


[ Indistinct conversation ]


Okay, your turn, mrs. Brody.


[ Gasps ] very good, mrs. Brody.


You've lost -- okay, group, pay attention.


Allone, two, three.


Who's next? Mrs. Weiss?


The place looks great, nell.


Oh, thanks.


You did a real nice job with the refreshments.


Yeah.


I was trying to find ways


To get cottage cheese on a toothpick.


Bettygroup?


Allone, two.


[ Laughs ]


I'll go next.


It seems we can always expect


Good news from you, mr. Meyer.


It's just a matter of self-discipline and control.


[ Gasps ]


Allone, two, three, four.


[ Laughs ]


Just a minute.


I lost four and a quarter pounds.


That was only four.


Where's my other quarter pound?


Alland a quarter.


All I want is what is coming to me.


Fine.


Bend over and smile.


Okay, group. Now that everyone's weighed in --


Nell hasn't weighed in!


Oh, no, no! Wait! That's okay.


Club rules, club rules.


All members have to weigh in before the meetings begin.


[ Chuckles ]


Mr. Meyer's right, nell.


[ Chuckles ]


Every little bit helps.



[ Sighs ]


[ Toot ]


[ Toot ]


Allshame, shame, double shame.


Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!


Oh, nell. There, there.


Get ahold of yourself.


Oh, I am weak.


I am weak and spineless.


I don't deserve to be in this club.


It's only two pounds.


That girl and her damn girl scout cookies.


That's right.


This is girl scout season, so remember,


A cookie in the hand turns to blubber on your can.


The thing to remember is just to pick yourself up


And start all over again.


Okay, i-i'll try.


Aw.


Okay, group.


Welcome to the weekly meeting


Of people organized to reduce and kick obesity -- porko.


I see that some of our new members are a little bit late,


So we might as well begin.


So if you'll all please stand for the club motto.


Allcandies, cakes, and salted nuts show up on our thighs and butts.


Fat, obese, tubby, jumbo,


We don't want to look like dumbo.


Bettyvery good, group.


If you'll all please be seated now.


[ Chairs creaking ]


All right. Now, let's review.


The important thing about losing weight is not just to diet.


We have to remember...


Allbehavior control.


Bettyvery good.


What's important is to change our fatty habits.


[ Knock on door ]


Aah! A new member, a new member.


Shh. Y'all get ready.


Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.


Manfly, girl.


Get ready, y'all.


[ Clears throat ]


Hi.


I'm looking for porko. I hope I'm not too late.


Oh, it's never too late.


All right, group,


Let's welcome a brand-new porko into the group.


[ Note plays ]


Hit it!


♪ You're a disgusting fatso


♪ Whose belly looks far too big ♪


♪ No one can even stand the sight of you ♪


♪ You look like porky pig


♪ You stand around and look bad ♪


♪ Your kitchen needs a full-time guard ♪


♪ But porko will help you lose that weight ♪


♪ You big, disgusting tub of lard ♪


That was really beautiful.


Thank you.


Oh, it's just our way of saying welcome to the porko family.


Take a seat.


Or seats, if necessary.


♪ You're a disgusting fatso...


Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!


♪ ...no one can even --


Hey, hey! Knock it off!


Knock it off! Do you hear me?!


Shut up! Shut up!


Now, suppose you bunch clear the hell out of here.


Do you have to yell?


Why?


You afraid a loud noise might stampede the herd?


Chief...


Can I see you in the kitchen?


Yeah.


There are a few things I want to talk to you about.


Damn it!


Oh, I hate that.


I got stuck in a door once.


With who?


No one.


You did that on purpose.


I did not.


But it just goes to prove


That you have a weight problem there and there and there!


Will you knock it off?!


I'm sick and tired of all this fat talk!


I don't want to hear any more of it!


I --


[ Gasps ] chief!


Chief, chief, chief!


Are you okay?!


I'm fine, I'm fine.


Somebody call an ambulance! Chief! Chief, please.


No, it's all right. I'm fine, I'm fine.


Chief.


I can't stand this dumb diet. You got to stick to the diet, chief.


I mean, next time, it may not be a gas attack.



It could be a heart attack or a stroke...


Or even worse, you could explode in public.


I've only eaten two.


You have to wave that thing in my face?


Sorry, daddy.


Well, do something with it.


If there's one thing I hate, it's twinkie breath.


Where you two going?


We didn't want to eat fattening stuff in front of you.


Oh, that's so thoughtful of you.


So, we're going out to get a hot-fudge sundae.


Well, have a good time.


Oh, and while you're out enjoying your hot-fudge sundae,


Your daddy and I are gonna go to your rooms


And burn up all your dolls.


See you later.


Bye.


[ Door closes ]


Want one?


[ Loud crunching ]


[ Loud crunching ]


I hate food that you can hear.


Three weeks.


Three weeks and nothing but lettuce, celery, and carrots.


I wonder why rabbits aren't more vicious.


I keep finding myself thinking of food.


Do you?


Constantly.


Well, let's watch some tv, huh?


Maybe it'll take our minds off food.


[ Click ]


[ Car engine accelerating ]


[ Siren wails ]


[ g*nshots ]


[ Tires screeching ]


[ Crashing ]


Boy, that burt reynolds can really act, huh?


He can shift my gears anytime.


[ Upbeat music plays ]


[ Music stops ]


Mandouble-dutch chocolate fudge cake.


So moist, so luscious.


Try a double-dutch chocolate fudge cake today.


[ Clicks ]


Man # what goes great with milk?


Apple pie goes great with milk.


[ Clicking ]


Womani hate your guts, r.j.,


And that's why I'm gonna sh**t ya.


R.j.oh, that's all right.


I've been shot before.


Womannot where I'm gonna sh**t you.


[ Music fades out ]


Man # great fried chicken...


Crispy on the outside,


Tender and delicious on the inside.


[ Click ]


Let's talk about something.


Right.


I see where they're rezoning third street


For commercial development.


Oh, that's real exciting.


Read me some more.


There's going to be a bookstore, a laundromat,


Pizza dome, bowling alley, gift shop.


Pizza dome.


I don't like their pizza.


Me either.


Their pizza's not as good as mario's.


He always gives you plenty of cheese. Yeah.


That way the anchovies don't slide around on the top.


Ooh, anchovies! Ain't they something?!


Imagine.


God created a whole breed of fish just for pizza.


You know, nell,


There's one italian dish you make that's better than mario's.


Yeah?


Yeah, your lasagna.


Oh, thank you.


It's only natural.


See, my great-grandfather?


He was owned by an italian.


Your lasagna makes mario's taste like it came out of a can.


Ah.


The funny thing is, though, yesterday,


I made lasagna for the girls.


They hardly ate any.


Yeah, well, what do they know, huh?


Their taste buds are too skinny.


No, no. It was different.


I don't know, now.


There was something just different, you know?


Well, if you want to make sure...


I can tell you.


Oh.


I wouldn't have to eat it.


I can tell just by smelling.


Believe me, the nose knows. [ Chuckles ]


Right.


How many calories can be in a sniff?



Well, what you think?


It smells pretty good.


Of course, how much can you tell by smelling?


You're absolutely right.


Here.


It's pretty good.


You don't think I need more oregano?


No, not oregano.


But there is something missing.


Basil?


Maybe it's basil.


Wait a minute.


Mnh-mnh, no.


It ain't the basil.


You're right.


You know, it's hard to tell when it's cold like this.


When you heat it up, it gets real spicy, you know?


And the tomatoes and the cheese, they roll around together.


And the sauce really gets ahold of the meat.


I'll heat up some.


Well, don't really heat it. You know, just warm it.


Just, you know, warm the frost off it...


Unless you want to be a fanatic about this diet thing.


No, I don't want to be a fanatic.


Aren't you gonna have any?


You know, what's life without a little pleasure?


Yeah.


To me, life without pleasure is like...coffee without cream.


Or bagels without cream cheese.


Or lasagna without garlic bread.


I'll get the butter and the garlic.


I'll get the bread and the wine.


Wine? Isn't that fattening?


Oh, no, no, no. That's sweet wine.


This is very dry wine.


Chief, this wine here's so dry, it'll make you lose weight.


Oh.


How long's that thing gonna take?


That depends on how hot you want it.


It was pretty good cold.


Do we have any grated cheese left?


Hey, here's a half-open can of sardines!


I haven't had a sardine sandwich since I was a kid.


Bring the bologna and the cheese with you, then.


What for?


I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here empty-handed


And watch you eat a sardine sandwich.


You want any sardines on that?


Sardines on bologna and cheese?


Oh, that's sick.


Why not? Go ahead.


Where's the mustard?


[ Sighs ]


We'll be really good tomorrow.


I'll skip lunch.


I won't eat all day.


I won't eat till next thursday.


Peanut butter!


I want peanut butter!


I hate myself.


Well, I'll eat yours, then.


The hell you will!


Boy, did we do this?


Uh-huh.


Boy, we really must have been desperate last night.


Think this is bad?


I found teeth prints in the wax fruit.


I don't remember any mixed nuts.


Oh, yeah.


I put them in the blender...


With tuna fish.


Is that why it was so crunchy?


Chief, I don't know how we're gonna get


These toasted marshmallows out of the toaster.


It seemed like a good idea at the time.


What happened in here?


Did the refrigerator throw up?


Never mind.


Just eat your breakfast before you're late for school.


Boy, it must have been some party.


Dad, are you okay?


You look sort of green.


My stomach is a little upset.


Well, I got to get to school.


Hey, hey, hey! You're not finished!


I don't want any more.


You're not going anywhere till you finish your breakfast.


But, daddy, I'm not hungry.


I didn't ask you if you were hungry.


Okay, if it will make you happy.


Yes, it'll make me happy.


Don't you know that there are millions of kids


Starving in the world?


If we sent them what we ate last night,


They could eat for a month.


We're not gonna throw good food away.


Sure, use me as a human garbage pail.


Oh, wait a minute. Stop. Samantha, go to school, honey.


You don't have to eat that if you don't want to.


What the hell are you doing?



I'm her father.


Yeah, you're her father.


You're her fat father, and I'm the fat housekeeper.


She's a beautiful, thin, little girl.


Let's not do the same thing to her.


You're really not hungry?


All right, go on. Get out of here.


Thanks, daddy.


Bye, nell.


Bye, baby.


Well, what do they say in the club?


"When you fall down,


Pick yourself up and start all over again"?


Yep, that's right.


[ Sighs ]


Breakfast is served.