01x14 - Samantha Steals a Squad Car

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


And so, ladies and gentlemen, I beg you,


Plead with you,


To give us the money that is so badly needed.


Dad, if you need lunch money, I could loan you mine.


I was talking about $ , .


I'll skip dessert.


Hey, don't you look sharp. And I love the cap.


Oh, thank you. I just had it cleaned and blocked.


You look just like mr. Wagner, the school crossing guard.


He's a sharp dresser for a retired garbage man.


You don't like the cap?


No, really, dad, you look great,


Except for the gravy stain.


Gravy stain? Where?


Gotcha.


Bye.


Bye-bye, honey.


Oh, dad, don't worry about your speech.


If anyone tries to walk out,


You can arrest them for leaving the scene of a crime.


My speech. I left it upstairs.


Hello. Is this foremost plumbing?


Yeah.


Listen, I got a leak in my bathroom so bad


That the roaches are baptizing each other.


What? Don't you put me on hold.


Damn, it's bad enough when the plumbers put you on hold,


But do they have to play "bridge over troubled water"?


Which do you think is better, nell --


"Mr. Mayor and members of the city council,


Good afternoon,"


Or, "good afternoon,


Members of the city council and mr. Mayor"?


Open with a joke. Start with "mayor."


Hello?


Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you what my problem is.


For the past three weeks,


You have sent the same stupid guy over here,


And my sink is still leaking.


Well, I'm gonna have to wait for low tide


Just to find my toothbrush.


Wait a minute. Don't put me -- they put me on hold again.


Nell, when I'm delivering this speech,


Should I keep my hand in my pocket


Or leave it free to gesture?


Why don't you stick it in that bucket


And go bail out my bathroom?


Forget the bathroom for a minute, will you?


I got to give this speech in minutes,


Before some very important people.


No, no, I don't remember the workman's name.


But I do remember, on his arm, there was a tattoo


Of an american eagle sitting on the john.


[ Doorbell rings ]


I don't want any excuses.


Look, I don't care how busy you are.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Nell, would you mind getting that?


Chief, if you want a doorman, move to the ramada inn.


Would you get it, please, huh? Can't you see I'm busy?


All right, all right, I'll get it.


Come in!


Good morning, sir.


I'm patrolman simpson, your driver for today.


Your car's waiting outside.


Simpson? Don't I know you?


Yes, sir. I've been here before.


And may I say it's still


The same warm, cheerful, family home.


Thank you.


I'll be right with you. I've just got to get my hat.


Well, that's funny.


I could swear I left it right here.


All right.


They had better be here sometime today,


Or I'm gonna come down there


And pour drano down somebody's overalls.


Nell, did you see my dress-uniform cap?


I don't know.


I got to go mop up the bathroom before trout season opens.


I can't go to that luncheon without that cap.


You got to have something


To keep the dandruff out of the soup.



Regulations say I got to have a cap.


I know I left it down here someplace.


Sir, an excellent technique for finding a lost object


Is trying to remember when you had it last.


That's very good thinking, simpson.


Chief, really, I got to --


Wait. The last time I had that cap was this morning.


Very good, sir. Were you sleeping with it?


I came downstairs with that cap.


And then I walked over here to the sofa.


And then katie come out, and she kissed me goodbye.


Oh, your daughter shoplifted your cap.


Oh, now I remember.


I went upstairs to get my speech,


And I put the cap down...


Right there.


Anyone for a polyester pizza?


[ Chuckles nervously ]


I'm sorry. I really am.


Why were you sitting on my cap?


I was hatching it.


I said I was sorry. I really am.


Nell, dad --


Not now, samantha.


Chief, it was an accident.


How could you be so clumsy?!


Why don't you look before you sit?!


I do look before I sit! Do you see where I'm looking?!


Nell... Not now, samantha!


Chief, we're gonna be late for the luncheon,


And I hate cold creamed chicken.


Not now, simpson.


I got into a fight.


Just a minute, samantha.


Not now, samantha.


I can't go to that luncheon without that cap,


And it's all your fault!


Are you scared they'll see the thin hair


On that thick head?!


Andrea grant called me a bad name.


The least you could do is to offer to pay for it!


Why? You can always use it as a hubcap!


She hit me in the head with a stick.


I said, "not now"!


But she called me a "dumb polack."


Now, you listen to me! No, you listen to me!


Listen to me!


How would you like it if someone called you a n*gg*r?!


You're gonna get the spanking of your life.


No! Daddy!


[ Door slams ]


She locked the door.


Samantha, you come on out here!


And bring a mouthful of soap with you!


Chief, she's just upset.


You hear what she said?


Yeah, but it doesn't require the death penalty.


Samantha, get out here!


She's locked herself in the bathroom.


She didn't even take anything to read.


Samantha! This is the last warning!


Oh, chief, why don't we give ourselves


Just a few minutes to calm down.


We're getting all upset.


I'm not upset. She's not my kid.


Simpson, why don't you try to talk to her, huh?


Maybe she'll come out for you.


Chief, you're making a big deal out of nothing.


Come on. Give it a try.


Chief, I don't know how to talk to kids.


I'm not fond of them. I hate small, sticky people.


That's an order.


All right.


First, you've got to get down to their level,


Both physically and psychologically.


[ High-pitched voice ] hello, there.


This is your friend, kermit the frog.


You better come out of there.


Mr. Snuffleupagus and I have the place surrounded.


[ Normal voice ] I feel like a fool.


I can see why.


Little girl, why don't you be a nice kid


And come on out of there, now, huh?


If you do, your father will give you an ice-cream cone.


Go ahead, tell her


You're gonna give her an ice-cream cone.


Samantha, I'm taking off my belt!


Sir, I don't think we're working together.


Samantha, I'm gonna give you three seconds


To open this door!


All right, then we're gonna break the door down.


I couldn't help overhearing. You're including me in this?


Chief, I have a better idea.


I've got a tear-gas grenade in the car.


Good. Suck on it.


I'll break it down myself. Stand back.


Wait, wait. That won't be necessary.


I'll get samantha out of the bathroom.


Oh, yeah?


What have you got



That two trained police officers don't have?


The key.


Give me that key.


You take one more step, I will drop this


Where only harry belafonte will find it.


All right, all right, all right.


Just stay away from me.


Chief, she's gone.


She went out through the open window.


Simpson, after her!


Right!


[ Car engine turning over ]


Samantha!


[ Tires squeal, siren blares ]


She took off in the squad car.


I wonder how long simpson can hold on


To that rear bumper.


I'm sorry, chief. I had to let go.


Do you know a dry cleaner who gets out skid marks?


All right, what we've got to do is stay calm.


The one thing we can't do is panic.


I panicked. She took that corner on two wheels.


What the hell were you thinking about,


Leaving the keys in the car?


Oh, right, how stupid of me to think


That the police chief's driveway would be a safe place.


I'm gonna have an a.p.b. Put out on her.


Chief, tell them to remember she's a little girl,


To please be careful.


With the car, too, huh? I just had it washed.


Simpson, why don't you go in the kitchen


And make yourself a tongue sandwich?


And use your own tongue.


I don't understand.


Get lost.


That clears it up.


That man's brain is in solitary confinement.


Dad, can I ask you a question?


Not now, katie, I'm busy.


It's really important. Well, what? What?


Do you have any -year-old policewomen who wear braces?


Luchesi? Now, listen carefully.


Hi, everybody.


Dad, how come our mailbox


Has black and white paint all over it?


Girls, I have something to tell you.


Your sister stole your father's patrol car.


Wow, that's the most exciting thing


Since we found out our home-ec teacher was into leather.


That's right -- dark hair, brown eyes,


About four and a half feet tall.


"What's she wearing?"


She's wearing my police car.


Pardon me. Pardon me, folks.


Hi, foremost plumbing.


I hear you have water all over the floor in your john.


Could you come back a little later, please?


I want an a.p.b. Put out with that description.


What happened to the emergency


Some crazed woman was hollering about?


Do you have a monkey wrench in your toolbox? Sure. Why?


You might have to remove it from between your eyes, monkey.


Beat it, will you?


Can't you see we have a serious family crisis here?


I'm gonna have to charge you for a service call.


Fine.


Wait a minute. How much is a service call?


$ .


Fix the faucet.


Yeah, okay, luchesi, now,


As soon as you get anything, you call me at home here.


Any questions?


"Who is this?"


This is your chief, you baboon!


We've got to do some quick thinking.


Any idea where samantha would go in a police car?


I know where I'd go.


I'd find the cutest guy in school


And handcuff him to the backseat.


Perhaps humor is inappropriate at this time.


Hey, mac, what is this? Your bathroom door is locked.


That's impossible.


I'm entitled to a little privacy.


I just don't understand.


It's so unlike sam to do a crazy thing like that.


Yeah, what happened?


Chiefwe'll deal with that later.


Right now, we've got to find that kid.


Hey, mac, can I ask you a question?


Why are there flippers on the windowsill?


Maybe the tidy-bowl man tried to make a break for it.


Get out of here, will you? Both of you.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello?


You found her. Thank god. Is she okay?


All right, I'll be right down.


They found her. She's down at the station house.


Nell, I want you to come along with me.


All right, kid, you wait in here until your father comes in.


And no funny stuff.



This ain't no wet-behind-the-ears rookie


You're dealing with.


Just sit there and behave.


Captain luchesi?


Don't you want the keys to the squad car?


Oh, yeah.


Do me a favor. Don't tell your father.


He'll yell at me. I'll get a headache.


I know what you mean.


[ Loud bang ]


Hi.


Hello.


I hope I haven't kept you waiting.


No. I just got here.


What are you doing here?


Probably days.


You know, you shouldn't drink. It's bad for you.


I know.


But I'm so good at it.


Oh, did you hear about the excitement around here today?


What excitement?


This cop come running in, and he says,


"Hey, the chief's daughter


Just took off with his squad car."


And then all the other cops went out front


To look at the chief's face when he got back.


[ Laughs ]


Who are you?


I'm the one who stole the squad car.


Oh. Did you get a chance to use the siren?


Yeah, and it was really terrific.


[ Laughs ] I knew it would be.


Boy, is old carl ever gonna be mad at you.


You know my dad?


Oh, sure, we're very close.


Would you like to see his footprint?


No, thanks, mr....


Larkin.


Bill...larkin.


Bill?


Yes?


How come when a kid has a problem


And a grown-up has a problem,


The grown-up never listens to the kid?


Well, you see...


Grown-ups think kids have nothing to say.


And kids think grown-ups have nothing to say.


Well, what do you think?


I've got nothing to say.


You know something, bill?


What?


You're weird...


But cute.


Thanks for talking to me.


Oh, you're welcome.


And, look, take it easy on your father.


You know, it's -- it's tough being a grown-up.


I've been trying for years.


I haven't made it yet.


Luchesishe's right in here, chief.


Samantha, are you all right?


Yes.


Hello, chief.


Luchesi, what the hell is he doing in here?


I kind of misplaced him.


I guess I better be going.


It was nice talking to you.


You, too, bill.


All right, move it.


You really must learn how to put these on correctly.


Samantha, I can't believe that you did this.


I just can't believe it.


Chief, let's not lose our temper.


Remember how this whole thing got started.


All right, let's go. We'll settle this at home.


No. I don't want to go home.


Nobody listens to me at home.


Samantha, that's not true.


We were just busy. That's all.


Right. Doing what?


Arguing.


Right. Over what?


You sat on my cap.


Samantha, you were wrong, honey.


But this is our fault, too.


We were so busy fighting over your dumb cap


That we didn't listen to the child.


You did not even hear her.


I heard her. I heard what she said.


And I don't ever want to hear that word again.


I'm sorry.


I assume the word you're talking about is "n*gg*r."


I just said I don't ever want to hear that word.


Well, dream on, carl kanisky.


What's that supposed to mean?


Come on, chief. Let's not kid ourselves.


You're gonna hear that word again.


She's gonna hear it.


And lord knows I'm gonna hear it again.


The word does exist.



Well, I don't like it.


Well, it's not one of my all-time favorites, either.


But come on.


Let's not give the word any more power than it already has.


Chief, you and I both know some people


Can use the word "n*gg*r" with malice,


And it can be ugly and hateful.


Then again, two black people can use it with love,


And it can be beautiful.


Honey, it's really just a word.


Nell, I didn't mean anything bad by what I said.


Samantha, I know you would never say anything to hurt me.


Come here.


I want to apologize to you, too.


'Cause I didn't listen.


Well, chief?


Yeah?


Aren't you sorry, too?


For what?


How about for losing your temper


And scaring this poor child half to death?


Well, maybe I did kind of hit the ceiling.


How about the roof, the attic,


And three planes passing overhead?


Samantha...


I apologize.


Me, too.


And I'm sorry I took the squad car.


Yeah. Well, we'll get to that when we get home.


Well, why don't you just arrest me


And put me in the slammer?


Well, I would, but I forgot to read you your rights,


And some judge would have you


Back out on the street in minutes.


Now that everybody is sorry, why don't we go home?


Dad, can I ask you a question before we go?


Sure, honey.


And this time, I promise you I'll pay attention.


Can I drive home?