02x01 - Nell Goes To Jail

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Come on. Finish your eggs, samantha.


I'll finish them tomorrow.


Finish them now. By tomorrow, they'll be chickens.


I got to run.


What's the big rush about, dad?


I got to get out to the firing range early


And qualify with my service revolver.


Hey, dad, what happens if you don't hit all the targets?


They take away his g*n and make him throw the b*ll*ts.


Finish your breakfast.


Where's dad running to?


Oh, he went to the firing range, honey.


Samantha, get over here and eat your breakfast.


Why do I have to finish? Katie didn't even eat.


Yeah, where is katie this morning?


You know that family that just moved in down the block?


Oh, the one with the boy about her age?


Mm-hmm.


Well, she really flipped out over him.


So right now she's hiding outside his house in the bushes.


[ Laughter ]


When he comes out, she's gonna subtly bump into him


And then jump on his bones.


Boy, she's getting desperate in her old age.


I know what she's going through.


I remember when I used to sit on the ice


Waiting for that hockey player.


Yeah. And you came home with frosted buns.


[ Laughs ]


Oh, get out of here.


Come on, go to school. You're gonna be late.


Nell...


Huh?


...why would anyone go through all that trouble


Just for a boy?


They're so yucky.


Well, you know, samantha, one of these days,


You're gonna really, really, really like boys.


Not me.


They're always trying to grab you...


Well, honey, you know, some good habits are hard to break.


...and kiss you.


I hate wet lips. Don't you, nell?


Let me think about that, baby.


And they're so dumb. You know jason baxter?


He thinks getting to first base


Has something to do with sex.


Yeah, he is stupid, ain't he?


Look, honey, don't you ever go out to play with him


Without your baseball bat, you got it?


Now get up. Go to school.


Come on. Come on, you two.


I don't have time to sit around and gossip all day.


Go learn something.


[ Telephone rings ]


Hello.


Ooh, angie, am I glad you called, honey.


Do I have some dirt for you!


Girl, guess who I saw in the supermarket


In a dress that was so ugly


She made the whole milk department go sour.


Uh-huh. Yeah.


Wait -- just one minute.


If you two don't go to school,


I'm gonna bite the heads off your barbie dolls.


Goodbye.


Bye, nell.


Love you. Goodbye.


Hi, I'm back.


You saw her, too?


Girl, did you see the shoes that heifer had on?


Ooh, honey!


She will always have a spot in her heart for a blacksmith,


You know that?


Mm-hmm.


Yeah -- wait, wait. No, I am not.


I am not gonna talk about that child's hair.


Yes, I am.


Ooh, her hair's so short you can smell her brains.


Uh-huh. Yeah.


No, no, no.


What? Oh, yeah.


And guess who I saw her with, honey.



She was out with none other than than mort --


Hello?


Hello?


sh**t. And I was getting hot.


This phone -- I'm just sick of this.


I was just getting to the best part.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Who is it?! Man phone company.


Ooh, now, that's fast.


Hi. Come on in.


Hi. Uh, it's right over here.


I was just in the middle of this very important business call,


And all of a sudden, the phone just went off.


Yeah.


Would you like a danish or something from over here?


Sure.


Oh.


You know, I really take back


Everything I ever said about your company.


You know, lady, you're taking this really good.


Well, why shouldn't i?


It's not every day you get service like this.


Well, you know, most people --


They really get mad when you're taking out their phone.


Aah! Don't you be taking out my phone!


You taking out my phone?


When you don't pay your bill, we take out your phone.


Oh, wait, wait. I'm not gonna get upset.


Just wait. Just wait.


Wait, wait, wait. Wait.


See, I know that bill was paid.


See here?


Here's a canceled check, and here is a bill marked...


"Paid."


Sorry. I can only do what's written on my work order.


Well, I think you should know


That this phone belongs to the chief of police.


It ain't my fault.


Okay.


Right now, he's out on the r*fle range


Practicing for a mistake just like you.


Listen, lady,


You're gonna have to go down to the business office


And straighten this out.


You know when I said I wasn't gonna get upset?


I lied. Give me my phone.


Give it back to me!


You better give me my phone!


You ain't getting out of this house with my phone!


Put my danish down!


Whoo, he runs fast for a white man.


What are you doing? I haven't called your number.


But there's nobody else here.


You have to wait for me to call your number.


Number !


Excuse me.


I have , and there's nobody else here.


Shh!


!


!


!


Don't anticipate.


.


Thank you.


Now, what can we do for you?


My phone has been disconnected, but I did pay the bill.


That's what they all say.


What is your phone number?


It's - .


All right.


I'll check it out and give you a call.


Uh, if you could call me, I wouldn't be here, fool.


My...aren't we touchy today?


Yes, and if you don't give me back my phone,


I'm gonna reach out and touch you in your chops.


Okay.


Why don't we run your number through the computer?


Good.


[ Computer keys clacking ]


[ High-pitched beep ]


The computer shows


That your phone bill is three months delinquent.


Your computer is mistaken.


Computers are not mistaken, mrs. Fong.


Fong?


Do I look like a...fong to you?


I wouldn't know. All you orientals look alike.


My name is not mrs. Fong.


According to the computer, it is.


I may not know the difference


Between a microchip and buffalo chip,


But I do know the difference between me and a fong!


Now, wait a minute.


No, you wait a minute.


First of all, you come into my house,


You take out a phone that should not have been taken out.


Then you have me sit here


While you call off numbers for people that don't exist.


And now you want me to believe this stupid computer


When it tries to tell me that I'm chinese?



Exactly.


No way, donkey breath.


Well, I never!


But your mama and daddy did.


Okay. That is it.


I am through with you.


I am not leaving.


All right. I'm calling my supervisor.


He will see that your phone is turned off forever.


Hello --


Look, if I don't have a phone, you don't have a phone.


And you what? This ain't no recording, either.


I am calling the police.


Not on this phone, you ain't.


Uh, "name."


Name?


Oh, please, simpson. You know my name.


Well, yeah -- "yeah," but what?


Is it one "l" or two?


It's spelled the same as "hell."


Just use the "n" instead of "h."


"N"...


"E"...


"L"...


"L."


Oh, it's so good to have a second occupation


To fall back on, ain't it?


Uh, last name?


Fong.


I'd have never guessed that.


You don't look like a fong.


Fong.


"F"...


"O"...


"N"...


"G."


Okay, now, let's see what's next.


Uh, race?


Chinese.


Of course. Stupid.


Right.


Uh, height?


' ".


...


.


Numbers are hard, aren't they?


And what is your weight?


Uh, right.


I could just skip down to these next questions.


Uh, have you ever had a moving violation?


No, but I've had some pretty close calls


In some backseats, baby.


Yeah, right. Okay.


Listen, you get to make one phone call


In case you want a lawyer or whatever.


You could use this -- no.


Use that one over there, huh?


Okay.


Hi. Is this channel news?


Is your roving reporter there -- hamilton storm?


Listen.


Mr. Storm, have I got a story for you.


Come down to the police department.


[ Gasps ] uh, hi, chief.


Simpson.


What are you doing here?


Hurry, okay? Bye-bye.


Are the kids okay?


Chief, the kids are fine. There's no problem at home.


You have a problem, but it's here.


Chief, I think you better have a look at this, huh?


Where's this fong woman?


He doesn't know your name?


I was gonna tell him this weekend.


What the hell is going on here?


Is this where I file a complaint?


Yes. Take a number and sit on it!


Keep her away from me! She's dangerous!


Who?


That woman.


This woman lives in my house.


Oh. Are you mr. Fong?


He is the chief of police.


Chief, come here.


I-i can explain. Can we just --


Take down his complaint.


Oh.


[ Clears throat ]


I need the name of person filing complaint.


Swackhammer.


What's your first name, mr. Jackhammer?


Swackhammer!


Swackhammer jackhammer.


Any middle name?


Birdbrain.


"B."


Hey, you're putting me on, aren't you?


Look, I think we can clean up this whole mess


If you'll just apologize to this guy.


What?! Me apologize?



No way. Unh-unh.


Not if you dressed me up like a chicken


And took me to colonel sanders' house.


No, not if you even try


To make me drink wine before it's time.


Not even if you try to make me french-kiss a chain saw.


No, baby. He owes me an apology.


Unh-unh. No. I ain't going nowhere.


You better start worrying about getting out of here.


You better start worrying


What you're gonna have for dinner,


'Cause all I got at home is box of brillo.


Give me a minute.


Look, there's a couple of things we have to go over here.


First, she's not gonna apologize.


Listen, sergeant --


He's not a sergeant. He's the chief of police.


He can call himself what he wants. Titles are cheap.


I want you to lock her up and throw away the key.


Do you understand?


Is that a threat?


Let me put it this way.


I can yank every phone in this police station.


Then you'll be calling all cars


With two tin cans and a string.


You listen to me, buster.


You're asking for a swift kick in the phone booth.


Excuse me, chief. Chief?


Can I see you a moment? Please?


Get the rest of his complaint.


Boy, you are tough.


I never heard anybody talk to the chief like that before.


He's up against something bigger than he is this time.


I push one button on my computer,


You'll never hear another dial tone as long as you live.


Boy, what a sense of power you must have, huh?


The best I could do is sh**t somebody.


Okay, vince, let's set up right here, okay?


This'll be a two shot from this angle, okay?


And show plenty of necktie.


It's a gift from a love sl*ve.


Get a highlight on these teeth.


I'm still paying for the caps.


Let's see. You must be the man from the phone company.


That's me.


Okay, stand by. Here we go.


Three, two -- hamilton, you're on your bad side.


Get over there, and watch the cord.


Hi, out there.


This is hamilton storm, your roving reporter,


Coming to you live from the glenlawn police station,


Where injustice has been heaped


On yet another minority victim, who sits alone, afraid,


Cowering in fear in this hellhole society calls a jail,


Put there by this man.


Well, actually, it's -- it's pretty pleasant


As hellholes go.


What is your name, sir?


Uh...


[ Mumbles ]


What was that?


[ Mumbles ]


Jackhammer.


Shh!


Uh, right in here, sir. What is your name?


I am patrolman ralph simpson.


I-i'm the one who cracked this case wide open.


I see, I see.


And you're the assistant manager


Of the glenlawn phone company, right?


Good. You're doing a great job.


Nell aah! Stop it! Don't beat me no more!


Now let us talk to this courageous consumer


Who sits alone in her cell


Like a prisoner waiting on death row


For a reprieve.


Mom? Is that you, mom?


Mom?


Isn't that pathetic, folks?


Is -- is that the sunlight?


Wait, wait, wait, wait.


It's daylight, isn't it?


No, it's my new caps.


Oh, your caps.


I'm so hungry.


All I had was two raisins,


And I wouldn't have had them if they had been crawling fast.


[ Sobs ]


Now, get a closeup on this, will you?


I'm just skin and bones. Can you see?


Can you see? I'm just skin and bones.


Get a closeup on these handcuffs,


Will you, please, vince?


Uh, chief? Chief, I notice she's wearing cuffs.


Is there any reason for that?


Well, this man said she was dangerous.


Is that true?


Uh, well, anything can be dangerous,


Even a glass of water


If you leave your head in it long enough.



Telephone for you, mr. Swackhammer.


Right out here, vince. Right out here.


Hello? Oh, oh, h-hello, mr. Jenkins.


Yes.


Oh. Yes, yes, yes. Yes.


I-i know all this is going out live.


No, no. No, no.


I-i'm not trying to make our company look bad.


Oh, yes. Yes.


I want my job. I love my job.


Y-y-yes, sir.


Anything you say, sir. I-i'll take care of it.


Uh, my company has asked me to make an announcement.


Don't make it to them. Make it to her.


Vince, right in here. Follow me right in here.


Let's get a closeup.


[ Groaning ]


You're free to come out --


Louder.


You're free to come out, miss.


No, not until you apologize.


Okay. Look, let's forget the whole thing.


We'll drop the charges. There's no phone bill.


I'm sorry.


The number you have reached is no longer in service,


Until you apologize.


If you don't come out, I'm gonna lose my job.


You better get your lips ready to say "I'm sorry."


Okay.


Get a closeup of this, vince. Get a closeup.


On behalf of --


Louder.


On behalf of the glenlawn phone company,


I want to apologize for any inconvenience


This mix-up may have caused you.


Oh, good. Thank you.


Oh, then can I -- you know, since you're at it,


I'd like two new phones.


I'd like a pink one for my bedroom.


Yes. I'd like a white one for the toilette.


Let me see. What else?


I want one of those call-waiting things.


Yes. Fine. Anything you want.


J-j-just get out.


Okay. Gladly. Gladly. Okay.


What is going on?


Open this cell!


Let me out of here!


I want to call my mother!


[ Doorbell rings ]


Who is it? Man phone company.


Ooh. Ooh.


Ooh!


Hi.


Now, which one is my personal one for my boudoir?


Oh, well, we're here to install all of them,


But here is...


[ Gasps ]


Oh, twinkle, twinkle. Get down. I love it.


Ooh.


And I'm gonna have my assistant install it right now.


Oh, boy?


Swackhammer yes, sir.