02x08 - Katie Steals Julie's Jock

[bunniefuu]

["♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Listen to these stupid directions.


"Add three cans of water."


It doesn't even say what size can.


What about the one in your hand?


Oh, that can.


Shouldn't I rinse it out first?


Oh, baby, give me that can.


Nell, I have to learn to do these things myself.


All my friends say the way to get a guy


Is to really know how to cook.


I know, honey, but they weren't talking about food.


Okay, uh... You can make the juice,


And I'll make the potato salad.


If this is my dinner,


I think I'll go next door and beg for food.


Oh, don't worry, squirt. It's for dad's stakeout.


Well, I sure hope, for his sake,


He's staking out in a restaurant.


Nell!


Either your father's home, or the mgm lion has a toothache.


Did you bellow?


Where are my shirts?


Well, don't look now, but there's one under your tie.


I'm looking for the blue one


With the little initials on the pocket.


Oh, that one -- it's in the laundry, but if you want,


I can write "carl" all over that one with my bic.


Ah, never mind. The guys will be here any time.


Hey, chief, come on. Tell me about the stakeout tonight.


Ah, nothing special. Just routine.


Well, since when is it routine


For the chief of police to go on a stakeout?


Come on. Tell me.


You know, a lot of women have been robbed lately


In the local laundromat.


I know. They charge you a quarter for minutes.


Well, this is serious.


Last night, this scum beat this -year-old woman unconscious


With her own umbrella.


What?


Well, I would stick that umbrella in that scum's ear,


And then I would open it up.


Well, we got to stop him now before he kills somebody.


That's why I'm staking out this laundromat tonight,


Using one of my men as a decoy.


I thought you said


That they were only interested in little old ladies.


That's why I got these.


Oh, you're gonna look just like bo derek.


It's not for me. It's for one of my men.


[ Chuckles ] well, hold on one minute.


I got something that will make it really authentic. Hold on.


Katie?


Yeah, dad?


Those sandwiches about ready?


Sandwiches?


Yeah, you know -- two pieces of bread


With something in between to break the monotony?


You said you were gonna make them for us?


Oh, yeah. Okay, dad.


Let me just get them packed up.


Here. You can k*ll two birds with one stone.


See if you can rinse them out for me while you're down there.


Boy, a policeman's work is never done.


[ Doorbell rings ]


Oh, that must be the guys.


Come on in, fellows.


Hi, carl. Hello, nell.


Evening, sir.


Baxter, no saluting when we're working undercover.


All right, then, uh...maybe we should get a password.


The password, baxter, is "shut up."


That'll work.


Nell, this is officer tom baxter.


Ma'am.


May I say it's been a pleasure


Working under your husband.


Well, we aren't married,


So the pleasure has been limited.


Not married?


That's right, baxter. Not married.


Oh.


Ohh.



Mum's the word, sir. Your secret is safe with me.


It's getting dark, carl. You about ready?


Uh, yeah, yeah, just about.


Katie, how are those sandwiches coming along?


They're on the way!


Look, uh...jerry, would you take charge of the basket?


There you go, dad. Ah, thank you, honey.


I'll see you in the morning.


Okay.


He's shy.


You all set, baxter?


Prepared for anything, sir.


Fine.


This is what you're wearing tonight.


Wear it in good health.


Sergeant didn't say anything about dressing like a woman.


He didn't want to spoil your surprise.


Boy, how I used to hate laundromats.


There's something obscene


About watching somebody else's underwear.


You know, that was the most painful moment of my divorce.


Irene got custody of billy and the whirlpool.


Hey, come on, baxter! Let's hurry it up, huh?


You're not going to the prom!


Well?


How do I look?


Like a hostess on a live-bait barge.


Very funny.


I'm not getting anything on baxter's mike here.


Where's the transmitter?


[ Clears throat ] in my bra.


Chief!


Well, let me see.


Chief, not on our first stakeout.


You're gonna love traffic duty.


All right, it's --


The microphone's in my left bosom, sir.


I don't see it.


Maybe it slipped.


It's kind of awkward from this angle.


Oh, come on. I'll get it. Here.


Would you mind warming your hands?


There we go.


There, the tape just slipped off. That's it.


Here, I'll button you up.


Ah, I wish it was a zipper.


There you go.


All right. Now say something.


I hope you'll respect me in the morning.


It's loud and clear.


All right. Now, be careful down there, huh?


This guy's crazy, and he's armed with a large-caliber handgun,


So no heroics.


Who do I look like, wonder woman?


Hey, you forgot your laundry.


Oh, excellent cover, sir --


Looks like real dirty laundry.


Yeah.


You're very perceptive there, baxter.


You got a nose for sweat socks.


Thank you, sir.


Here comes baxter.


How's he look from a distance?


Like a woman --


A woman who's used to spending a lot of time alone.


You know, it's hard to believe


That there are weirdos who actually enjoy


Dressing up like that.


You mean transvestites?


I don't care where they come from.


They're all a bunch of sickos.


You know, speaking of sickos,


That reminds of a good joke smitty told me.


It seems this, uh, pansy goes into this bar, right?


And he's got


This big, vicious-looking doberman pinscher on a leash.


So, he perambulates up to the bar,


And he says to the bartender, "I'll have a shirley temple."


Well, the bartender takes one look at this fruitloop


And says, "no way. We don't serve your kind."


So the poof says, "well, you better because if you don't,


"I'm gonna sick my vicious dog, k*ller, on you.


So give me my shirley temple or else."


And the bartender says,


"I already told you, we don't serve your kind."


So the h*m* whips the choke collar


Off this humongous doberman and says, "sick him, k*ller."


And this doberman goes over the bar,


Pins the bartender against the mirror,


And goes, "bowsie-wowsie."


[ Laughs ]


That smitty. I don't know where he gets them.


[ Laughs ]


Well, don't -- don't you -- don't you get it?


"Bowsie-wowsie."


The guy's dog is a pansy, too.


That's very funny, carl.


Did you hear the one about the polack


Who broke his neck raking leaves?


He fell out of a tree.



Or why don't the polacks have a hockey team?


They forgot the formula for ice.


You know the polish word for "airplane"?


"Unh, unh, unh!"


What's the matter, carl? Don't you think that's funny?


Well, of course not. I'm polish.


That's why I don't like gay jokes.


Because you're polish?


No, carl. I'm gay.


How the hell can you be gay? How the hell can you be polish?


Because my grandparents came from poland,


But even if yours came from san francisco,


That's still no excuse.


Carl, I don't need an excuse to be what I am.


Boy, I don't have enough trouble


Worrying about some nut beating women up in the laundromats.


Now I got to worry if one of my cops


Will be directing traffic in a tutu.


That's very funny, carl.


Jerry, how the hell can I have a gay detective working for me?


I do my job well.


Why can't you have a normal man's problem,


Like a hernia or flatfeet


Or -- or constipation?


Suppose you have to bust some gay guy?


Well, what do you think?


Instead of reading him his rights,


I'll send him a candygram?


Jerry, suppose somebody finds out?


Suppose the public found out


That the long arm of the law has a limp wrist?


One more crack like that,


And you'll find out how limp my fist is.


[ Radio crackles ] tom hey, mother hen.


Mind if your pigeon comes back to the roost for a second?


I need to use the ladies' room.


There's -- there's four or five people down there now.


All right, wave him in.


Carl, you better get used to it.


A lot of things have changed.


There are gay doctors, gay lawyers,


Gay firemen, and gay cops.


Not in my department --


Well, except for you.


How can you be sure of that?


You mean there's another one?


Who is it?


Come on, jerry, who is it?


Is it nelson?


It's nelson, isn't it? He's a bachelor.


Plus, you never see him with a girl.


No, it can't be nelson.


He goes with jacobs to mud wrestling every thursday.


Renaldi?


Could be.


He's nice, quiet, gentle, sensitive.


He could be a philatelist.


Who is it?!


Who's the fruitcake in the department?!


[ Exhales sharply ]


Pantyhose are k*lling me.


What's the matter? I got a run?


No, I was just admiring your outfit.


Okay, I'm just gonna slip into the powder room.


Boy, have I got to take a powder.


Is it him? Is it baxter?


Well, come on, jerry. I got a right to know.


You know who it could be?


Who?


An older guy...


Keeps to himself...


Not very happy -- you never see him out with a woman.


Well, who? What's his name?


Kanisky. Carl kanisky.


You're lucky I don't hit men of the opposite sex.


[ Toilet flushing ]


One of you guys left the seat up.


You better get back down there.


I washed all the --


All the permanent-press things.


By the way, you got a button missing on your blue shirt.


It's clearing out down there now.


Good.


That's just the way our piece of slime likes it.


You want to give the wire another check?


[ Radio crackles ]


♪ I feel pretty, oh, so pretty ♪


♪ Oh, so pretty and witty and bright ♪


Well, if baxter's gonna sing, you better turn it down.


You know...


I may be prejudiced, bigoted,


And -- and -- and -- and old-fashioned --


Don't stop. You're on a roll.


But you got to admit


That there's something about gay people


That's -- that's different.


Like what? From normal people.


Oh, you mean like adolf hitler?


Charlie manson? Son of sam?


What the hell have you got against gays?



You know what you are? You're a h*m*.


A what?


It means h*m* --


An unnatural fear of h*m*.


Well, there's nothing


That seems so unnatural to me about that!


What seems unnatural to me is a bunch of grown men holding hands


At some judy garland film festival!


Forget it! Forget it!


You're never gonna change. I give up.


What do you mean? What --


Look, I got an open mind.


Yeah? I'm glad to hear the lobotomy was a success.


But being gay can lead to a lot of trouble.


Let me tell you a story.


I know. This time, the bartender says, "bowsie-wowsie."


During the w*r, my father was overseas,


So my ma and us kids, we moved in with our uncle joey.


Uncle joey was a -- was a bricklayer,


One of those strong, silent, ironfisted types -- you know?


Yeah, "dukes of hazzard" without the sparkling wit.


Anyway, as a kid,


I wasn't the warm, open, loving guy that I am today.


No kidding.


As a matter of fact, I was a little shy.


See, I had this stammer,


And the other kids used to kid me because of it.


Well, there was this one english teacher named mr. Lamet.


He kind of took a shine to me,


And afternoons, I'd stay after school,


And he'd work with me, reading out loud.


So after a while,


The stutter practically disappeared.


Anyway, one night,


Uncle joey comes home real late,


Shouting about how the cops had busted mr. Lamet


In some gay bar.


Goodbye, mr. Chips.


So next day at school, they --


They said that mr. Lamet had the flu.


Well, all the kids snickered and laughed.


Everybody knew.


You can't keep a secret like that in a small town.


I never saw mr. Lamet after that.


He moved out of town?


No, he crashed his car into a tree.


Uncle joey wouldn't let me go to the funeral.


He said that if anybody saw me,


The whole town would think that me and mr. Lamet


Were boyfriends or something.


Anyway, I didn't go.


Maybe I was afraid that people would talk, too.


I don't know.


Carl, thanks for sharing that with me.


What do you mean?


I mean, I'm impressed that you -- you'd understand


When your uncle joey didn't.


Boy, you people twist everything around


To your own point of view, don't you?!


Well, you're the one who's wrong!


Everything that I learned, I learned from my uncle joey!


It's because of him that I -- I didn't grow up to be --


To be -- to be one of you!


Wait a minute.


You wait a minute! Now you listen to me!


When uncle joey was dying,


They let us kids in to see him, one by one.


He even died like a man!


We didn't hug. We didn't kiss.


He just closed his eyes and went,


And I just watched him.


So...


[ Voice breaking ] don't you say anything about uncle joey,


God rest him.


I got to go to the john.


[ Radio crackles ]


All -- all right, now. Take it easy.


My money's right there in the purse.


Just point that thing somewhere else.


Carl!


Carl, that psycho's making his move!


[ Doorknob rattles ]


[ Pounding on door ]


[ Door unlocks ]


[ Normal voice ] jerry!


Look, mister, I gave you the money.


That's all there is. Now take it easy.


Don't get crazy with that g*n.


All right, freeze! Police officer!


All right, just move slowly, buddy.


And drop that piece!


I'm warning you. Look out! He's gonna --


[ g*nshots ]


[ Door unlocks ]


Morning, chief.


Oh, nell. I didn't mean to wake you up.


Oh, that's okay.


I always get up at a.m.


I like to see what mr. Rogers is wearing.


So, how did your stakeout go?



Well, we got the guy...


But jerry took a b*llet.


Is he all right?


Yeah, I think so.


He lost a lot of blood, but his condition is stable.


[ Exhales sharply ]


Boy, sounds like you had a close call tonight.


Who, me?


I was locked in the bathroom.


Say what?


I was locked in the bathroom.


Oh, yeah?


Well, I guess that's about the best place to be


When b*ll*ts start flying, yeah.


Man, that jerry is one hell of a guy.


It takes one to know one.


I wish you hadn't put it...


...exactly like that.


What?