02x16 - The Custody Suit

[bunniefuu]

♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪



♪ Gimme a break, I sure deserve it ♪


♪ It's time I made it to the top ♪


♪ Gimme a break, I'm looking forward ♪


♪ Get behind me, pull out every stop ♪


♪ I want a happy ending, I'm tired of pretending ♪


♪ Won't let 'em get the best of me ♪


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa


♪ Gimme a break


♪ The game is survival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ And plan my arrival


♪ Gimme a break


♪ For heaven's sake


♪ What happened to my piece of the cake? ♪


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break


♪ Gimme a break!


Last week, on "gimme a break!"... [ Gasps ]


It's patrolman mary beth.


[ Chuckles ]


I can't believe it. It is mary beth.


Oh, come now.


One of your own policewomen poses naked in a magazine,


And you don't know anything about it?


Hey, you're my kind of cop there, mary beth.


Hey, mary beth, let's you and me commit a moving violation.


Since you're so fond of taking off your clothes,


Turn in your uniform.


You're fired.


Fired?


You heard what I said. You're fired.


I'm gonna go to the civil review board.


I'm gonna get my job back.


I'm not gonna take this lying down.


To mary beth.


Mary beth. Mary beth.


All right, I want to know who put this in my bed!


Turncoat! Traitor! Sexist pig!


It's for you, chief.


People who destroy beauty deserve to die in an ugly way,


And there's nothing quite as ugly


As the sight of blood and brains


All over a police-station wall,


Which is exactly how it's gonna be here


In the next minutes,


When I blow you and your station to bits!


[ Ticking ]


Damn!


[ Clears throat ]


I left my pencil back in the newsroom.


I'll be right back.


Hey, nobody moves,


Or I blow us all sky-high right now!


[ Ticking continues ]


And now the exciting conclusion of "the centerfold"


On "gimme a break!"


Take it easy, pal.


I'm not your pal, and at exactly p.m.,


I'm gonna blow this place so high,


It's gonna rain cops for a week,


Which means you all got exactly minutes


To say your prayers!


Uh, hey, no, your clock is slow.


It's already minutes after .


[ Groans ]


Simpson, do you know what you just did?


Yeah, sure, chief. I set my watch every morning.


There's a lady I call at the phone company.


I think she's got the hots for me.


Shut up, simpson,


Or I'll reach out and touch someone.


Freeze, sucker!


Okay, okay. Take it easy, huh?


Look, why don't we talk this thing over quietly,


Like two old friends having a little chat?


What's your name, son?


None of your business, you scum-sucking pig.


Hey!


Six minutes.


Listen.... Why don't we say,


"How many people here got a b*mb under their coat?"


And when he raises his hand, you could grab the clock.


Simpson, I believe a piece of the rock


Fell on your head.


Wait a minute.


Why don't we let him talk to his mother?


That always works.


That's a great idea, chief.


Uh, fella, would you like to talk to your mother?


No, she'd get mad at me. I stole her clock.


You, come here.


Me?


You.


Where have I seen your face before?


The same place you see it now.


No, dummy, I mean you look familiar.


Oh.


Uh, you look a little familiar, too.



Weren't you the plum in the fruit of the loom ads?


No.


I don't even wear underwear.


Oh, my.


I-i know. I know where I've seen you.


I've seen you at that singles bar down on central street.


The gab and grab?


Yeah.


Yeah, I'm in there a lot.


Me, too.


But I always strike out.


Me, too.


I see a girl,


I don't even know what to say anymore.


Me, either.


Once I get past "what's your sign?"


I'm all clichés.


You know, it's hard to get to know women.


Yeah, sure.


That's because they're the opposite sex.


It's too bad we're not the opposite sex.


I'd say "yes" to everybody.


Like, there's this one girl


I am crazy about,


But I know she could never go for me.


But every once in a while, you know,


When I'm sure nobody's looking,


I leave a rose in her patrol car.


Who do you think I'm doing this for?


I figured that if --


Maybe women will pay attention to me


If I protest the firing of mary beth.


Well, oh, yeah.


It's too bad you'll be dead.


Some girls like that.


You know...


It's kind of a shame you and I didn't --


Didn't meet before.


We could have gone to the gab and grab


And struck out together.


At least we would have had somebody to talk to.


Well, we still could.


I mean, you've probably got to do some time for this.


Calling the chief a "scum-sucking pig"


Is a serious offence.


But after you get out, you know...


You mean it?


Sure.


I know what it's like to be lonesome.


But you got to give up


This "blow everybody up" business.


I don't know.


Well, you better make up your mind.


There's only seven seconds left.


I don't want to die when I made a new friend.


Here, you take it!


[ Gasps ]


Chief cuff him!


Go get the bolt cutters!


What did -- what did you say your name was?


Simpson, ralph simpson.


I'm arnold. I'm arnold morrison.


I'll see you when I get out, okay?


Get him out! Get him out!


Simpson, congratulations.


Boy, you took a big chance.


You know, chief,


My whole life flashed in front of my eyes.


That's when I knew I had nothing to lose.


I'm gonna recommend you for a citation.


Oh, gosh, chief,


That's very generous for a person who has no feelings.


Chief...could I talk to you for a minute?


Why, of course, ralph.


It's a pleasure to talk to a hero.


Hey, I got these cigars for christmas,


And I only smoke them on special occasions.


Have one. Have two.


Oh, uh, thanks, chief, but I don't smoke.


What are you taking one for?


For my mother.


Well, why not, huh? She raised a fine, brave son.


Thanks, chief, but when you hear what I'm gonna say,


You're gonna want to cut my heart out.


[ Chuckles ] oh, come on, simpson.


You saved our lives.


Chief... Remember our christmas party,


The one where vogel was father time


And mary beth was the baby new year?


Yeah.


Well, see, the thing of it is,


Mary beth looked so scrumptious in that diaper...


I took her picture


And sent it in to joy girl magazine.


You?


You were the one?


Your mother can get her own cigar!


How could you be so stupid?!


It's the only thing I'm good at.


[ Telephone rings ]



Officer simpson. What do you want?


Oh, yeah, well, I'm very sorry.


I didn't know it was you, your mayorship.


Yeah. Uh, chief, it's the mayor.


Yes, your honor? Well, I'm pretty busy.


Yes, I'll be right over.


You wanted to see me, your honor?


Yes, carl. Come in, dear boy.


Sit down. Relax.


You must be all shook up


After that b*mb scare this afternoon.


Oh, I'm fine, your honor.


Well, I'm not.


I guess I must be too emotional,


But I keep thinking of the station in rubble


And policemen blown to bits and mangled meter maids.


Our budget would have been shot to hell.


Well, your concern is very touching, your honor.


Carl, you know the election is only one week away.


Well, you just have to pucker up and start kissing babies.


Well, the polls show that I'm in the lead,


And I don't want to be shot down at the last minute


By some dim bulb making a lame-brain mistake.


And what's that got to do with me, your honor?


You're the dim bulb.


Tomorrow at , that floozy you fired


Is gonna appear before the civil service review board,


And if that bimbo gets her job back,


You're gonna look like a damn fool.


I can't do anything about that, your honor.


Oh, yes, you can.


I've scheduled a press conference


For tomorrow at .


You're gonna tell everybody


It was all just a little misunderstanding


And give that chippy her job back.


I can't do that, your honor. What she did was wrong.


If you want to deal with right and wrong,


Become a priest.


My religion is getting elected,


And if I lose this election,


I'm gonna lose my limousine, my chauffeur,


And my big, fancy office,


And if that happens, I'm gonna lose you.


So be it.


I'm a good cop. I can get another job.


As what -- a bag lady?


Carl, will you wake up and smell the coffee?


This election is like the super bowl to me.


I'm that far away from scoring the winning touchdown.


You should be out there, blocking for me,


And you're on the sidelines, firing a cheerleader?


She was waving her pom-poms in front of the whole stadium!


Carl, I think you've been playing too long


Without a helmet.


Now, you hear this.


You hire that girl back,


Or you're not gonna be in the game!


You're gonna be outside the stadium,


Hitchhiking to the unemployment office!


Mm-hmm!


I'm not gonna do it.


I'm not gonna give that girl her job back.


It goes against everything I stand for.


Then sit down.


No, nell, I'm not taking this sitting down.


Right again, don't let that jive-talking,


Backslapping gasbag of a mayor tell you what to do.


You bet I won't.


But I thought that gasbag was your boss.


Samantha, watch your tongue.


Have some respect for the office.


Honey, you can't call the mayor a gasbag


Until you're old enough to vote.


But, dad, he is your superior.


I mean, don't you have to do what he says?


No, when your heart tells you you're right,


You don't listen to your superiors.


Can I quote that back to you someday?


It doesn't apply to fathers and daughters.


Chief, did it ever occur to you


That there might be two sides to this centerfold thing?


Two sides -- you mean they photographed her rear end, too?


I mean, two sides to the issue.


You know, there are a lot of people out there


That don't think mary beth did anything wrong.


I'm one of them.


Samantha, just for a minute,


Stop thinking about mary beth's rear end


And think about mine.


Look, chief, nobody likes to admit


When they've made a mistake.


All right, take me.


When I accidentally burn the roast,


Do I tell you about it?


No.


I ground it up and pass it off as meat loaf.


Nell, I'm sworn to uphold the law. That's my job.


But you're also sworn to uphold the constitution,


And it says that you cannot deny a person a job



On the basis of their race, religion,


Or how much clothing they have on.


So, if you had your way,


You'd have people going to work naked?


It sure would liven up the coffee break.


Yeah, and everyone would know everyone else's business.


You keep out of this. I did what I had to do.


What if you were wrong?


Look, somebody had to make a decision,


And I had the courage to do it.


Even mother nature makes mistakes.


That's why the elephant has to eat with its nose.


Okay, dave, uh, you're right there.


Um, let's see. The mayor will be over here.


And, uh, I should be about right in here.


Uh, fella, could you get out the way, please?


Instamatics to the rear.


Okay. How's this?


Just hold it. You got my best side?


You'll have to bend over.


On the air.


Hi, there. Hamilton storm.


Good morning, everybody.


We're coming to you live from the mayor's office,


Where we're awaiting a statement from chief carl kanisky


Concerning the future of mary beth sinclair,


Also known as "page ."


Oh, I think I hear the chief coming now.


Hold it. Uh, uh...


Uh, chief, could you please say a few words?


Not now. Later.


Well, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen,


A few words from the chief.


Can I have a word with you over here?


Now, some of the boys on my staff


Prepared this statement for you,


And we think it'll please everybody,


And it touches all the bases.


I don't like anyone touching my bases, your honor.


I'm standing here now with someone


Who can give us a different slant on this story.


This is nell harper, one of chief's closest friends.


Nell, how has the chief been holding up


Under all this pressure?


Are we on tv?


Yes, we are. We're on.


We're on now, all those people looking in now?


Yes, they are.


You don't have to be embarrassed.


Oh, I'm not. You should be.


The diamond in your tooth just fell out.


Now, ladies and gentlemen, members of the press,


And all my good friends out there.


He can count all his friends on the thumb of one hand.


Now, I know the election is only a week away


And I should be out there, speaking out on the issues,


But there are more important things


Than getting elected for another term.


Get the shovel out. Here it comes.


It is far more important


That I spread the oil on the troubled waters.


Sounds like a grease job to me.


Now, you boys in the press have been kicking this around,


And you've been having a pretty good time,


But now it's time to get the true story


From the horse's mouth.


That's a change.


Usually, you get it from the other end.


Three days ago, I fired one of my police officers


For what I believed was an inexcusable moral offense.


I thought her actions were in poor taste


And did a lot of harm to the dignity of the department.


Well, maybe I was wrong.


I'm not saying I was wrong, just maybe.


But in this country,


You don't convict someone on a "maybe."


Mary beth, I apologize.


And I welcome you back to the glenlawn police department.


And I make you this promise --


I will never again interfere with your right


To make a fool of yourself on your own time.


Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.


Excuse me.


One second, fellas. One second.


Carl, could I just have one word with you?


That was great, carl.


You know, you're a stubborn mule,


But I knew you'd come around to my way of thinking.


Oh, you got it wrong, mr. Mayor.


I didn't do that for you.


I don't do things like that so you can get elected.


Well, that's too bad.


I guess that's why I'm a mayor,


And you'll always be an employee.


[ Chuckles ]


Well, maybe.


But right now, there are two things


That make me feel terrific.


One is my family.


And what's the other one, carl?



That I'm not voting for you.


Congratulations, mary beth.


I'm glad you got your job back.


Thank you, ralph.


You know...


I've secretly admired you from afar,


Even from anear.


Ralph, was that you


Who was putting roses in my patrol car?


I hope you didn't sit on them.


[ Laughs ]


I should have guessed it was you.


Listen, uh, have you ever been to a bar


Called the gab and grab?


Are you kidding --


That dive where all the creeps hang out?


Oh, yeah.


Well, uh, do you know someplace where --


Where we could go?


Ralph, are you asking me for a date?


Not if you're gonna say "no."


Pick me up at .


Yeah?


Yeah.


Ooh.


Oh.


Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.


Oh, what a feeling -- toyota!