02x14 - I Can't Go On, I'll Go On

[bunniefuu]

[enchanting music plays]

What's here?

A cup closed in my true love's hand?

Poison, I see hath been his timeless end.

O churl, drunk all and left
no friendly drop to help me after?

I will kiss thy lips.

Haply some poison yet doth hang on them
to make die with a restorative.

- Thy lips are warm.
- ...are warm.

Oh, happy dagger, this is thy...

Ow.

[whispers] sh*t, sorry.

[gentle music playing]

This is thy sheath.

[Tully groans]

There rust

and let me die.

[exhales, groans]

[Kate sighs]

[woman whispers] That was amazing.

[indistinct murmuring]

Wow. Great dress rehearsal, everyone.

- [scoffs] She dropped a dagger on me.
- Yeah, well, you missed every cue.

It doesn't matter. None of that matters.

No play ever goes perfectly, guys.

But if you get confused or discouraged,
just remember the show must go on. Hmm?

All right, go home. Get some sleep.

[indistinct chatter]

Tully.

Way to lead by example. That was stunning.

[indistinct chatter]

[Kate exhales]

- Coop, that was so good.
- [Coop exhales] I don't know.

No, seriously! For a second,
I thought you were in love with Tully.

[Coop chuckles]

I guess I'm a good actor then.

Come here.

[gentle music playing]

I thought of you the whole time.

You did?

Yeah.

You're my Juliet.

Well, you're my Romeo.

[both chuckle softly]

Good, 'cause, uh...

[inhales deeply]

I got something
I want to talk to you about.

I don't know if you're planning on
going to prom, but I...

- [Tully] There you are.
- [Kate] Uh...

Does anyone else have itchy armpits
from these costumes?

[scoffs] Yeah, I gotta get out
of this thing.

[Kate exhales]

Holy sh*t,
Coop was just about to ask me to prom.

- Really?
- Yeah, it's finally happening. [inhales]

Maybe you can go with one of his friends
and we can double-date.

I'm not going to prom.
It's a stupid, forced romantic ritual.

Ugh, come on.

This play isn't getting you
into the romantic spirit?

No, it's about teenagers being idiots.

They literally die for no reason.
It's anti-romance malarkey, Mularkey.

No, they die because love is pain,
but it's so worth it.

[gentle music playing]

[Kate sighs]

You think Coop and I'll
get married someday?

[adult Tully] I can't believe
my Kate is getting married.

There are great love stories
that burn through time.

Cleopatra and Mark Antony,

Romeo and Juliet,

Sean Penn and Madonna.

- [speaking indistinctly]
- And, of course, Kate Mularkey and me.

- [all chuckle]
- Oh my God.

She is my soulmate.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea.

My love as deep.

- The more I give to thee, the more I have...
- [indistinct chatter]

- ...for both are infinite.
- [Kate chuckles]

That's right, Mularkey,
I still remember all my lines.

Oh, she speaks.
O, speak again, bright angel.

[laughs]

Look at that.
She still remembers her lines too.

- Every damn word.
- [Johnny] Mmm.

[Tully] And now Kate has met her Romeo.

And his name is Johnny Ryan.

And I have to say, if someone else
is gonna marry my soulmate...

[inhales]

...I'm glad it's you, Johnny.

But never forget,

if you hurt her, I k*ll you.

- [Kate chuckles]
- I know. Yeah.

To Kate and Johnny.

To Kate and Johnny.

[all] Cheers.

To Kate and Johnny.

[Sean exhales]

Uh, Kate, the first time I met Theo,
I was certainly impressed.

Imagine, my little sister
marrying British royalty.

[Bud clears throat]

[Sean] Am I right?

What? She called off
her engagement five minutes ago.

- You expect me to write another speech?
- [all chuckle]

- Okay.
- Okay, in all seriousness,

Kate, you are
the most giving person I've ever known.

You are relentlessly good and kind,

and there isn't anything you wouldn't do
for the people you love.

And, Johnny, you make Kate happier
than I've ever seen her,

and I'm so glad you found each other.

You truly belong together,

so don't go calling off
this engagement, sis,

- because I cannot write a third speech.
- [all laugh]

- [Sean] Hear! Hear!
- Yeah.

- Cheers!
- Cheers! Thanks, Sean.

Thank you. That was really nice.

[Johnny] Cheers.

Oh!

- [Bud sighs]
- Okay. [chuckles]

[Bud] Well... [sighs]

...they, uh... they told me
not to think of this wedding as smaller

than the one we already paid for,
just, uh, more intimate.

I said I don't care how big it is,

just, uh, make sure
the price tag is a little more intimate.

[all chuckle]

- We also wanted to say something else.
- Yeah.

Um, Kate, this is just for you.

We are so proud
of the woman you've become,

and if you're sure that this marriage

is what you really, really want,

we support it.

But we're not putting down more deposits,
so if you call it off... [chuckles] Cheers!

[all] Cheers!

- Just a little test.
- [Kate] Mm-hmm.

We'll get through this.

- [all laughing]
- [Tully] Sports man,

they always return to where
they were born to make more babies.

- That's their whole thing.
- Not always.

That's the whole point of this study.
Sometimes they just swim around.

- Following the Moon?
- Yes, following the Moon.

- Does it really matter?
- [Dan and Tully] Yes.

I'm confused. I thought they were arguing
about the debt ceiling.

They were, but then they moved on to
spawning habits of North American salmon.

And just to be clear, they should suspend
the debt ceiling permanently.

- You're such a pain in my ass.
- I'm a pain in the ass? Have you met you?

- [Tully] Yes, you are the problem.
- I'm a pain in the ass? Are you five?

- Don't agree with him.
- I'm not. I didn't even...

If you keep flirting with Danny,
Celeste is going to leap across the table

and s*ab you with the good silver.

Please, I can take her.
Also, you know she loves me.

Uh... Mmm...

- She does.
- [glass clinking]

[Johnny] Oh!

[Marah] Um, so...

Grandma told me that it's
the maid of honor's job to make a toast.

Since I will not be doing it in front of
a hundred people tomorrow at the wedding,

this is as good as you'll get.

All right.

Also, I only agreed
if I can have a little champagne, so...

thanks, Grandma.

- Just a little.
- Oh.

Interesting.

Okay.

Mom, Dad, I know the last couple of years
haven't been easy,

which is why I'm thinking
about getting my own apartment.

- Uh, I'm just kidding. College next year.
- Smart girl.

[chuckles]

[exhales] Seriously though,
there is no one on Earth

I would rather see marry my mom
than you, Dad.

And there is no one that can deal
with my dad as well as you can, Mom.

The fact that you guys make each other
happy on top of it is icing on the cake.

So to my mom and dad forever.

- Thanks, honey. That was beautiful.
- [all] Cheers!

- Cheers.
- Thanks, honey. Thank you.

To forever.

[indistinct chatter]

[Sean] Cheers! Cheers!

- [whispers] I'll be right back.
- Sure.

[coughs] Yeah. No.
No, it's good. It's... I like it.

[Kate panting]

[sighs, panting]

[inhales]

[faint indistinct chatter, laughter]

[exhales]

[exhales, sniffles]

[faint laughter continues]

[exhales]

[siren wailing in the distance]

Oh please. The party's over,
and you do not have to help clean up.

- It's what neighbors do.
- [Tully scoffs]

Besides, there's something I was hoping to
speak with you about in private.

You... you know that Danny and I just like
to mess with each other, right?

I mean, he's like the obnoxious brother
I never had. It doesn't mean anything.

Your obnoxious brother
who you boned all through the 's?

[Tully scoffs]

- Ancient history. I promise.
- [Celeste chuckles]

No, I know. It's not that.

It's more like,

ever since we got engaged,

I just feel confused or maybe... insecure?
I don't know.

Insecure? [chuckles]

Have you met yourself?

You're a former model
who went to an Ivy League school

and now runs
an entire Sports PR Company by herself.

You're literally a dream woman.

I mean, I think if anybody
should be insecure, it's Danny. [chuckles]

[Tully inhales sharply]

- Oh wow.
- Holy sh*t.

Uh, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to do that.

I mean, I meant to, but I didn't mean to.
I don't know what I'm saying or doing.

- I'm sorry.
- Uh...

Maybe don't tell Danny. I'll talk to him.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

Okay.

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

[Kate] Tul, can you get that?

[Tully inhales deeply]

[sighs]

Kate's happy love nest.

[Danny] Tallulah Rose.

Danny?

How you doing?

[Tully on phone]
Since you moved to New York last year?

Fine. Why are you calling me?

She likes to get to the point.

Well, I haven't heard from you
since you left for fancyville.

I'm in town for like hours.
I'm interviewing Bernie Bickerstaff.

Banterflaf?

- Bickerstaff! Head coach for the Sonics.
- [bell dings]

Anyway, uh, I'm free after.
Thought maybe you'd like to get together?

Dan the freaking sports man.

Still crazy after all these months.

So what do you say, you up for hanging?

- I am.
- Great!

Except I can't.

What? You got a date?

No, I wish.
It's Kate and Johnny's wedding.

Oh.

[inhales]

Well, since you don't have a date...

you want one?

[Tully] Oh my God!

You will never believe what just happened.

You'll never believe what just happened!
They delivered the wrong napkins.

- So?
- So, they're from my order with Theo.

So they all say "K&T" instead of "K&J."

Oh sh*t.

And it gets worse. Uh, look at this.

- How did they...
- Get it to look exactly like Theo?

[Tully] It's uncanny.

It's a f*cking nightmare.
I changed these orders weeks ago.

You should've ordered
from a different place.

My parents insisted
because they got a discount.

Now everything's ruined
and it's too late to fix it.

No, it's not.

No, we'll just...

We will use this black marker,
turn all those T's into J's.

And then we'll color in
the red hair on tiny little Theo.

[Kate scoffs]

Look at him. Laughing at me.

Taunting me like everyone
with their toasts last night.

No one was taunting you.

- It's just a funny situation.
- It's not funny, Tul. I'm cursed, okay?

Because I cheated, and he lost a testicle.
Now, this is my punishment.

- My whole marriage is cursed.
- Okay. Mellow.

[Kate exhales]

[Tully] We can fix this.

Yes, the props may be wrong,
but the show must go on.

We've got a few hours
before everyone gets here.

So let's start turning those T's into J's.

- [gentle music playing]
- [Tully sighs] Right.

It's almost showtime. Are you nervous?

No. [exhales]

I mean, maybe a little.

I don't want to, like,
forget all my lines,

and then everybody in the audience
laughs at me.

And it's all anybody can talk about
for the rest of junior year.

- And then senior year, after I graduate...
- Tully... mellow.

If you forget a line,
just look over at me.

I'm barely ever on stage,
so I'll be in the wings.

And I know every single word.

I'll help you.

I promise I will not let you fail.

Thanks, babe.

What about you, nervous?

[inhales] A little. But, um...

when I get nervous, I just think about,
uh, something and, uh, it helps.

You think about what?
What, do you think about Coop naked?

No, no. I... I imagine the... [sighs]

It's stupid. You'll laugh.

No, just tell me. I promise I won't laugh.
You can tell me.

[Kate sighs]

Fine. Uh... [inhales]

I imagine that it's the end of the play

- and it's a triumph, of course.
- [audience applauding]

- You're showered in roses.
- [Tully] Of course.

[Kate] And Coop steps
to the edge of the stage,

and that's when he has an announcement.

Uh, everyone, quiet.
I... I have an announcement.

Kate Mularkey, would you come out here?

[gentle piano music playing]

♪ I remember all my life ♪

♪ Raining down as cold as ice ♪

♪ Shadows of a man ♪

♪ A face through a window ♪

♪ Crying in the night ♪

♪ The night goes into morning ♪

♪ Just another day ♪

♪ Happy people pass my way ♪

♪ Looking in their eyes ♪

♪ I see a memory ♪

♪ I never realized ♪

♪ How happy you made me ♪

♪ Oh, Mandy ♪

♪ Well, you came
And you gave without taking ♪

♪ But I sent you away ♪

♪ Oh, Mandy ♪

♪ Well, you kissed me
And stopped me from shaking ♪

♪ And I need you today ♪

♪ Oh, Mandy ♪

And that's how he asks me to prom.

Why would he sing "Mandy"?
Your name's Kate.

Who cares?
It's the most romantic song ever written.

Whatever. I... I told you, it's stupid.

It's not stupid.

It's sweet. I just...
I really don't want you to get hurt.

I know you don't like Coop,
but you'd be surprised how romantic he is.

I mean, the... the other day,
he called me his Juliet.

Romeo is not embarrassed
to be dating Juliet.

No, but Coop's not embarrassed.
He basically asked me to prom.

[Margie] Hurry up, girls. It's time to go!

Coming. Jeez.
You gonna ride with us or Cloud?

- Uh, Cloud's not coming.
- [Kate] Seriously?

Yeah, I told her about it last week,
but by this morning she'd forgotten,

and I wasn't about to remind her.

Tully, I'm so sorry.

- Screw it. I don't care.
- Well, you can ride with us.

Hey, baby. The Mularkeys have offered us
a ride in their station wagon.

Wait, you're actually coming?

Like I'd miss my daughter
starring in her first school play.

- [Bud] Come on, Katie Bear. Let's go.
- It's gonna be great.

I know.
Well, I'm a little nervous, though.

Yeah, me too, because I just took a bunch
of mushrooms and I am tripping face.

Do not tell a soul.

[adult Tully] I was shocked,
but maybe not surprised.

I cannot believe she kissed you.

I can. I always felt a vibe from her.

- Know how I kept saying Celeste loves me?
- [laughs]

Well, turns out she does, she really does.

- [chuckles] I still can't believe it.
- [Tully] Why do you keep saying that?

You don't think
I can get a girl like Celeste?

Uh, no, she's engaged to someone else,
the man that you're in love with.

I'm not in love with him.

Okay, fine,
maybe I'm slightly in love with him.

But the real question is,
what do I say to Danny?

I mean, I have to tell him, right?

What kind of friend doesn't tell a friend
something like this?

But she asked me not to tell him.

And really, it should be her.
She's his fiancée,

and also, I don't want to do it.

So don't. You know, just let it marinate.

While she falls deeper and deeper in love
with me? Do you really think that's wise?

[Kate chuckles]

I'm just saying, whatever you decide,
could you please not do it until tomorrow?

They're not getting married today,
but do you know who is?

Right. You're right.

- I'll just, uh, stay cool.
- [Kate exhales]

Play it like a cucumber
and avoid them both.

Great, good call.

Oh, speaking of cucumbers,

I'd k*ll for one of those cucumber
cream cheese sandwiches downstairs.

Boom! That I can do.

- Thanks, Tul.
- [Tully] Mm-hmm.

[door shuts]

[tender music playing]

♪ Going to the chapel and we're ♪

♪ Gonna get married ♪

♪ Going to the chapel
And we're gonna get married... ♪

All right.

Everything in place? The big...

- [Johnny clicks tongue]
- [Marah sighs]

- You know?
- Yep. But it's not too late to back out.

- Why back out? No one's backing out.
- I'm not backing out.

Because it's going to be embarrassing
for everyone. Especially you, Dad.

- No, no, everyone's gonna love it.
- I'm not.

It'll be great.

Okay, looks like everything
is falling into place.

- [Marah sighs]
- Oh sh*t.

- I forgot my compass.
- Compass?

- Oh, I have mine.
- No, it's all right. I'll be right back.

You have a compass on you?

Always.

[Johnny] No, no, no, it's fine.
I'll find somewhere else.

Is there a reason you are not dressed?

Well, the bathroom's occupied
and Kate's room's occupied, so...

So use my room. Look alive, Ryan.

[Tully gasps, screams]

[Danny chuckles]

Aw, come here!

[Tully screams]

[both chuckling]

- [Danny] Oh.
- Man, you're happy to see me.

You're the one who just sprinted to me.

Yeah, I thought you were someone else.

I turn into a pumpkin at :,
and that's when I head to the airport.

That's fine. I wasn't planning on
sleeping with you anyway.

Oh, I think there's definitely time
for some sex.

[Tully chuckles]

And if I recall, I think there's a...
a bedroom right in there.

- That's a bathroom.
- We'll make it work.

[chuckles] Shut up.
I have to help Kate get dressed.

- [Danny] Okay.
- But first...

- let's do a sh*t.
- [Danny] Yes.

[indistinct chatter]

[Tully sighs]

[Danny] Whoa, hey! Where's the fire?

Uh, the bride needs
cucumber dill finger sandwiches, stat.

Yeah, I also recommend
the, uh... the salmon, uh, crostini.

You're not reopening
the debate about salmon?

Oh, no, no, no, never.
Hey, listen, have you talked to Celeste?

- Celeste?
- Yeah.

No. Why? Why would I talk to Celeste?
What a weird... question.

I know. Like, it's... Something feels off,
and I thought maybe you've noticed it too?

- I don't think that I would...
- Okay, maybe it's me.

Do you ever feel like
life is like a car, you know,

and somebody else is taking the wheel?

- I don't usually.
- Lately, I've felt that way a lot.

Except I'm not even in the front seat.

[scoffs] I'm locked in the trunk.

I don't even know where I'm going.
You know?

[sighs] You know what, buddy?
You've got this.

I gotta bring the bride her snacks.

[Danny] Yeah, yeah.

- Um, hey.
- I just...

Whoa, hey, oh.
Where is the fire, Tallulah?

I gotta bring Kate her snacks.

- Running away from the happy couple?
- [Tully] Huh?

'Cause you're in love with the sports man?

- Of course.
- No, I'm not.

But that's nothing new.

So what is new?

Nothing.

Nothing is new.

Oh my God.
You had sex with his fiancée, didn't you?

What? Shh!

- No. I did not!
- Well, you did something with her.

No, I didn't. And also, how in the world?

Because I read sexual auras, Tallulah.
You know this.

I wish I didn't. But yes.

- What's the problem, why're you running?
- Are you serious?

I mean, you know he loves you back, right?

I don't know that.

It's fairly obvious,

and I think there's actually
a pretty simple solution

to a situation like this.

Have you considered the three of you?

- What? No.
- What?

It's a beautiful expression of love.
I've... I've done it many times.

And let's face it,
she is a gorgeous woman.

So, you should... think about it.

[Margie] It is important
to listen to your mother.

And I would like to kick off
this Girlfriend Hour

with some advice for my daughter.

[inhales] The secret to marriage
is mystery.

Bud's literally never seen me
without eyebrow pencil and he never will.

But I don't use eyebrow pencil. So...

Eh, it's a metaphor.
You have to maintain certain Illusions.

Your relationship isn't always going to be
as exciting as it is right now,

especially since...

Since what?

Well, you're still on the rebound.

True. Good point.

What? Johnny is not my rebound.

- Well, technically...
- Who's Johnny?

He's her fiancé.

I thought his name was Theo.

- Oh, it was, but she changed her mind.
- Ooh!

Okay, Johnny is not my rebound.
Theo was my rebound from Johnny.

It's not a rebound when you go back
to the person you rebounded from.

- Well, I think that's kind of a gray area.
- [Kate] Hmm?

Or not. It's not.

Well, I, for one, think that Johnny
is a much better match for Kate.

Thank you.

I don't trust men with red hair.

[Kate] Okay, that's not...
I liked his red hair. I just...

He was just not the right man for me.

I can attest to that. She's right.
Theo was so wrong for her.

It was like watching
a slow-motion wreck that you can't stop.

But you know it's gonna end bad.

I thought you liked Theo.

I did.

I guess. I mainly just, you know,
thought I should support you.

Yes, exactly. Like... like all of us today.
That's why we're here.

We totally support you.

Yeah, even if
you call this one off too, whatever.

Is it okay that I'm giving you and Johnny
the gift that I got for you and Theo?

Oh, that's what Sean and I did.

He thought it might be bad luck,
but I couldn't return it. So...

That's fine. That... that is all fine.

- Um, I just need to go to the bathroom.
- I'll help.

[Kate sighs]

[Bud laughing]

You know, Margie and I got cable
just to watch you, Danny.

- Oh.
- I mean, ESPN?

It is a worldwide audience.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sure beats the local news. [chuckles]

You're literally in the big leagues now,
my friend. Hmm?

Yeah, Danny, it's really impressive.

- [Danny] Hmm.
- [Bud scoffs]

Uh, to be perfectly honest,
uh, perks are great,

but, um, I do miss home sometimes.

Yeah.

Ah, come on. You mean Tully, right?

You guys are such a great couple.

Sometimes when you just see two people,
you know, it just makes sense.

Exactly!

Like me and Kate.

Yeah, uh, exactly.

And congratulations again, Johnny.
Sorry for crashing your wedding.

- Nonsense, happy to have you!
- [Bud] Funny story.

Up 'til a few weeks ago, um,

Kate was engaged
to marry this other fella.

Can you believe it? [chuckles]

[Johnny clears throat]

Will you excuse me?
I should go check on... the bunting.

I swear, if one more person
brings up Theo,

I... probably won't do anything,
but I'm so sick of it.

Yeah, who cares? f*ck 'em.

This is your wedding.
Don't let 'em get in your head.

Too late.

Already hear them all laughing at me
for calling off my old wedding.

You know...

[toilet flushes]

...think of it this way,
two men wanted to marry you.

Good ones, too. Premium prospects.
And you picked the best one.

Your cousins are just jealous,
so is your grandma.

Well, I mean, Grandpa d*ed, so...

Sure. Bad example.

But the point is,
you came out on top, Mularkey!

You're not a joke or a loser.

Well, no one said "loser."

You are the one laughing
all the way to the altar.

This is your wedding day.
Don't let anyone ruin it.

Big surprise seeing Danny, huh?

[Tully sighs] Classic him.

Just showing up like this.
Such a pain in the ass.

Damn, I have not seen you this happy
in a long time.

Mularkey, I'm happy for you.
You're getting married.

Uh-huh.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking,
maybe you and Danny should consider...

Stop.

Today is just a random one-time thing.

It's not even romantic or anything.
He's just an old friend.

I don't think you and Danny
will ever be just friends.

[exhales]

[Bud breathes deeply]

Almost time for the big event.

[Johnny] Hmm.

Look, Johnny, I know we haven't... [sighs]

I'm just gonna say it.

I don't trust you.

You hurt my little girl once already.

You don't know what it did to her
the first time you split up.

[Johnny sucks teeth]

I do know.

It did the same thing to me.

So if I'm hard on you,
it's because I worry.

I worry that you're not in this
for the long haul.

I'm in it, Bud.

For the long haul.

Forever.

I'm not going anywhere,

but I guess the only way
to really prove that to you

is to show you over time.

[Bud inhales]

When Margie and I got married,

her father gave me this.

- He was a real son of a bitch, by the way.
- [Johnny chuckles]

He never really accepted me,
so it kind of took me by surprise.

He kept it from his, uh, army days.

He told me...

"Marriage can be a difficult path."

"Don't forget that she's your true north."

Thank you, sir.

Good luck, son.

[chuckles softly]

[Kate groans]

- [body thuds on floor]
- Kate!

- [Kate continues groaning]
- [suspenseful music playing]

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Are you okay?

Hand me... Hand me those pills up there.

Okay, okay. Here you go, here you go.

[Kate breathing shakily]

Oh, hey. Are you okay?

- [Kate] Mm-mm.
- [Johnny sighs]

It's time for the big show.

Thy wit is very bitter sweeting.
It is a most sharp sauce.

Oh, no. That's actually...
That's Mercutio's line.

You come back in on, "Is it not
well served into a sweet goose?"

[Tully scoffs] I'm not ready.

Don't worry. You got this.

- I wish I knew the play as well as you.
- [Kate chuckles]

Uh, break a leg, Coop.

- [Coop] Thanks, Mularkey.
- Uh...

Last night you said you wanted
to talk to me about something. Um...

I'm guessing it's prom?

[sighs] Damn it.
I... I wanted to be the one to tell you.

Tell me what?

[Coop] It's not even really a date.

Neil's taking Jenny Holden,
so I got to go with Susie Sherman.

I don't even really like her, but, um...

they're best friends,

and everyone expects me
to take a cheerleader, so, uh...

Yeah, it's just... it's all so stupid.
[chuckles nervously]

I'd rather be hanging out with you
anywhere else.

Yeah, uh, thanks.

I... I totally get it.

[somber music playing]

[Mr. Waverly claps]

Everyone, take your places.

You do not have to take his crumbs.

[Johnny] I can't believe this.

You knew the cancer was back
and didn't tell me?

I thought we were done
keeping things from each other.

I thought there were
no more secrets, Mularkey!

- I was gonna tell you.
- When?

After tomorrow.

But why?

Why... why... why go...
Why go through this alone?

Because I just wanted today to be perfect.

[Johnny breathes shakily]

Hey.

It already is perfect

because I'm marrying you.

I just wanted one day.

One day where no one feels sorry for me.

[smacks lips] One day
where I can just pretend that... [inhales]

everything is okay.

I guess maybe I just thought that
if I didn't tell you, it wouldn't be real.

[Johnny sniffles]

[somber music playing]

- [Johnny sighs]
- f*ck, I don't want to go out there.

[Johnny exhales]

I just want to hide
in here with you forever.

- Hey.
- [Kate inhales]

- At any point...
- [Kate exhales]

...if you feel like
it's too much or... or you can't do it,

just take my hand, okay?

- We'll get through it together.
- Okay.

[gentle music playing]

Hey! No nookie before the wedding,
you two.

[Johnny chuckles, sniffles]

What's going on?

Nothing. [exhales]

Nothing.
Just been waiting so long for this day,

just happy.

Yeah, yeah. Save it for the ceremony,
Romeo, and get out there.

Everyone's waiting
to get this party started.

Eat this.

Okay, here you go. [inhales]

I have something for you.

- [Kate] Hmm?
- [Tully inhales]

[gasps]

Oh, this is awkward.

I'm marrying Johnny.

It's your "something old, something new,
something borrowed, something blue."

[Kate gasps]

Oh my God, you still have it.

Of course. It's the only jewelry
ever given to me by someone who loves me.

So I'm letting you borrow it.

Well, thank you. I love it.

Now you've got old, borrowed, blue.

Now you need something...

new.

What is this?

[Tully] It's an itinerary.

I planned a trip for us to Paris
to celebrate your recovery.

[inhales] We've never been
to Paris together, Mularkey.

It'll be our honeymoon. [chuckles]

Thank you...

for this, for everything,

for being my best friend.

[Tully inhales] Okay.

- [Kate exhales]
- Let's go, Juliet.

There stays a husband to make you a wife.

[young Tully] For saints have hands
that pilgrims' hands do touch.

And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

[Coop] Have not saints lips
and holy palmers too?

Ay, pilgrim,
lips that they must use in prayer.

O, then, dear Saint,
let lips do what hands do.

They pray,

grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.

Don't fall for that smooth talk, honey.

- Uh-uh! [chuckles]
- [audience] Shh!

[Cloud] Isn't she fantastic? [chuckles]

Saints do not move,
though grant for prayers' sake.

While my prayer's effect I take.

Uh-uh! Don't slip my daughter the tongue.

- No.
- [man clears throat]

- [Cloud] No. Don't.
- Shh!

- [Cloud] No. [laughs]
- Um, thus, uh...

Thus from my lips. Um...

Thus from my lips,
by thine, my sin is purged.

- Um...
- [Cloud chuckles]

[Coop] The... [clears throat]

[Cloud continues chuckling]

Then have my lips
the sin that they have took.

[Coop stammers]

O, sin thy lips...

O, trespassingly urged, um...

[Cloud exhales]

Shall I give you your sin again?

Uh, yeah. Give me my sin again.

[Cloud] Wow, the boy is horny.

- [indistinct whispers]
- [Cloud chuckles]

- Get a room. Get a room. [chuckles]
- [audience member] Shh! Be quiet!

You kiss by the book.

Uh...

- Madam...
- [Cloud screams] Oh my God!

- Kim. Look at you.
- Shh!

Uh, your mother craves a word.

Yeah, you bet your ass I do. [chuckles]

[classical music plays]

What a play.

She's messing up the whole play.
We look like idiots.

You don't need help looking like an idiot!
You can barely deliver two lines in a row.

My mom is getting Cloud some coffee
so she'll sober up during intermission.

- They should kick her ass out...
- [Mr. Waverly] Guys!

Emotions always run high on opening night.

But remember, we're all in this together.

Yeah? Do people's drunk moms always yell
at the stage on opening night?

She's not drunk, she's on mushrooms.

This is bullshit.
I'm not going back out there.

Coop, calm down. Walk it off.

Yeah, jack it off,
you jack-off, jockstrap assh*le!

Oh my God. Shut up, Tully!
You're so full of yourself.

- Yeah, you're a f*cking coward.
- Screw you!

[all murmuring]

Why don't you tell your prom date

how you sneak into Kate's room at night
so you can feel her up?

And then pretend like you don't know her

because you think you're too good for her,
when she's the one who's too good for you!

[girl] Are you serious?

[Coop chuckles]

That's... that's not even...

Me and Mularkey?

[scoffs] We're not...

You're as crazy as your crazy mom.

And you're a g*dd*mn liar.

- I don't have to take this crap.
- Kids, team, we'll work this out later.

The show must go on.

No.

I never wanted to do this dumb play
in the first place, Waverly. Screw this.

- [boy] Coop, where are you going, man?
- [Mr. Waverly] Hey, Coop.

I think she's coming down.

Why would you do that?
We were gonna tell people eventually.

You deserve a guy
who wouldn't hide you in the first place.

Okay, so Coop's out.

It's time for Plan B.

- We don't have an understudy.
- Are you gonna play Romeo?

[chuckles] No, you are.

I'm a girl. I can't.

You're the only one here
who knows all the words.

And back in Shakespeare's day,
all the female parts were played by men.

Same thing.

I believe in you, Kate.

It would be pretty legendary.

[Bud] You ready, Katie Bear?

Come on.

[Instrumental version
of "Time After Time" playing]

[indistinct whispers]

Thank you, sir.

[Kate exhales]

[Johnny chuckles softly]

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join Kathleen and Theodore
in the bonds...

- Oh!
- [priest]...of holy matr...

[whispers] It's Johnny.
Or John, or Johnathan.

Oh, I, uh...
I meant Kathleen and... and Johnny.

Uh, we're here today to join Kathleen and...

Johnny.

[priest] ...Johnny in the bonds
of matrimony.

I'm... I'm so sorry, Father, just, um,
I need to say something just real quick.

[Kate breathes deeply]

I get it.

You were all invited
to a different wedding,

and now you're at this one,

and it's weird.

All of the napkins have T's on them
that we just turned into J's.

Wait, they do?

[Kate sighs]

Because, yes, two weeks ago
I was supposed to marry Theo.

And today I'm marrying Johnny instead,
and it's all a little bit...

unusual. [sighs]

Those of you who know me
and those of you who love me

know that I've been in love with this man

since the very first second
that I laid eyes on him.

Did we break up? Yeah, we did.

Did I briefly get engaged to another man?

Yes. And does that
make this wedding hilarious?

I guess so.

But I just want to say
in front of God and my parents

and various out-of-town relatives,

Johnny Ryan is the man
that I am meant to marry.

Which is why
I am going to marry him right now.

So if anyone else
has something to say about it,

I invite you to speak now
or forever hold your g*dd*mn peace.

Anyone?

I think we're good.

Great.

As you were saying, Father.

[whispers] That's my girl.

[gentle music continues]

[mouths] I love you.

[all cheering]

[Mr. Waverly] The role of Romeo Montague
will now be played by Kate Mularkey.

[chuckles] What?

- Uh...
- [Margie] Oh.

[man coughs]

[Kate exhales]

[Tully] O, think'st thou
we shall ever meet again?

[Kate] I doubt it not.

And all these woes shall serve
for sweet discourses in our time to come.

Oh God. I have an ill-divining soul.

Methinks I see thee, now thou art so low,
as one dead in the bottom of a tomb.

Either my eyesight fails
or thou look'st pale.

[Kate] Trust me, love,
in my eyes so do you.

Dry sorrow drinks our blood.

Adieu, adieu!

Okay.

Thanks.

[gentle music playing]

[exhales] Picture this,

it's the early 's,

a smoke-filled newsroom,

a beautiful, wide-eyed young woman
with big dreams and bigger bangs...

[all chuckle]

...meets a tall, cranky Australian
with a very unfortunate haircut.

- [all chuckle]
- [Tully] No, I'm serious.

He looked like Tarzan,
but not in a good way.

- It was... It was very sexy.
- It was okay.

[Tully] Yet somehow,
despite their poor fashion choices,

a love story was born.

Which I take full credit for.

- [all chuckle]
- As I was the Lois Lane type

with the flowing Jaclyn Smith hair
who introduced them.

But that's not important.

As many of you know,
this is Johnny and Kate's second wedding.

And luckily, it's not
one of those bullshit vow renewals.

It's the real deal.

Their relationship has been hard-fought,

and it has been a long road to get here.

A road paved with love and hope.

[Kate chuckles]

But also pain and disappointment.

- One beautiful, magical daughter.
- [Kate breathes deeply]

A divorce,

a near-death experience in Iraq.

A reconciliation.

And then...

illness.

And then finally, thankfully, recovery.

All of which makes this joy even sweeter

because it was earned
and it will not be taken for granted.

And once again, all because of me.

[all chuckle]

[Tully] You're welcome.

- Kate and Johnny have prepared some vows.
- [Kate exhales]

I, uh...

wrote some stuff

about, um...

why I love you.

All the various reasons or whatever.

But, uh, as I stand here, it all just...

feels like a bunch of lies.

Okay.

- Good start, Mularkey.
- [Johnny chuckles nervously]

The truth is,

I don't know why you're the only one

who still gives me butterflies
every time you look at me.

Why you're the only man
I would ever marry,

let alone twice.

Why you make every difficult day
seem worth it.

How you can soothe my pain and my fear
just by being near.

I don't know why the smell of your sweat
when you come back from a run

makes me feel calmer.

I just know that it does.

I don't know why
you make me laugh so hard.

I just know that whenever I'm with you,
I can't stop laughing.

I don't know why I love you, Johnny Ryan.

I just know that I do.

Now...

always...

and forever.

[mouths] I love you.

[Tully] Well done, Mularkey.

[Johnny exhales]

Top that, Johnny Ryan.

[all chuckle]

Well, uh, I actually don't have
anything written either,

but, um, I do have a little something.

If Marah and Mutt,
if you guys wouldn't mind helping me out.

[sighs] I'm sorry. He made me do this.

[Tully and Kate chuckle]

[indistinct whispers]

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

[chuckles]

[playing "Mandy" on piano]

- ♪ Morning, just another day... ♪
- [all chuckle]

♪ Happy people pass my way ♪

♪ Looking in their eyes ♪

♪ I see a memory ♪

♪ I never realized ♪

♪ How happy you made me, Mularkey ♪

♪ Well, you came
And you gave without taking ♪

- ♪ But I sent you away, Mularkey... ♪
- [Kate chuckles]

♪ Well, you kissed me
And stopped me from shaking ♪

♪ And I need you today, Mularkey... ♪

[all chuckling]

♪ We're standing on the edge of time ♪

♪ I've walked away when love was mine ♪

♪ Caught up in a world
Of uphill climbing ♪

♪ The tears are in my mind
f*cking nothing is rhyming ♪

♪ Mularkey ♪

♪ Well, you came
And you gave without taking ♪

♪ But I sent you away ♪

♪ Mularkey ♪

♪ Well, you kissed me
And stopped me from shaking ♪

♪ And I need you today ♪

- [hits high note] ♪ Mularkey ♪
- [all continue chuckling]

- [Johnny singing off-key]
- [all continue chuckling]

[all cheering]

[Johnny] Let's get married.

[Johnny clears throat]

Well, I think
the, uh, Manilow makes it official.

[chuckles]

Y'all are married.

You may kiss.

[all cheering]

["Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa playing]

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, baby, ba-baby, baby ♪

♪ Yo, yo, yo, yo, baby-pop
Yeah, you! Come here, give me a kiss ♪

♪ Better make it fast... ♪

[Johnny] Go, girl!

♪ Can't you hear the music pumping hard?
Like I wish you would ♪

♪ Now push it ♪

♪ Push it good ♪

♪ P-push it real good ♪

[music halts abruptly]

Come, bitter conduct.

Come, unsavory guide.

Thou desperate pilot,
now at once run on the dashing rocks

thy seasick weary bark!

Here's to my love!

[Kate] O, true apothecary,

thy dr*gs are quick.

Thus with a kiss...

I die.

[Margie sobbing]

Wow.

[Tully] Where is my Romeo?

A cup closed in my true love's hand?

Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.

O churl, drunk all and left
no friendly drop to help me after?

I will kiss thy lips.

Haply some poison yet doth hang on them
to make die with a restorative.

[kisses]

Thy lips are warm.

O happy dagger...

this is thy sheath. [breathes shakily]

[crowd gasps]

[groans]

There rust

and let me die. [exhales]

[groans]

[Margie continues sobbing, sniffles]

[all applauding]

[tender music playing]

[Margie chuckling]

So good.

Yeah!

Straight up. Come on.
Straight up. Let's go! Whoo!

Katie Bear!

Olé!

Whoo!

- [Tully sighs]
- Hey, Tully.

Oh, Celeste. Hey, I was just running
to the bathroom. Too much champagne.

Uh, I need to talk to you.

- I was just gonna, real quick, go to the...
- [Celeste] I just...

I wanted to say I'm really sorry
for making the wedding uncomfortable.

- You didn't. It's fine. Really.
- I never should've kissed you.

I've been having doubts, I guess,
about my...

about things with Danny.

And... and I dragged you into it,
and that was...

Danny.

- [Celeste] I am so sorry. I didn't...
- You kissed her?

I should... I was gonna go to the bathroom.

It's not even about her.

I've been struggling
about the whole... marriage thing.

You gave me an ultimatum.

My therapist thinks
I gave you the ultimatum

because I was trying to get you
to break up with me.

- That it'd be easier...
- I'm just gonna...

[Celeste] ...or something.

- [upbeat music playing]
- [Danny] Best wedding ever.

- [Tully chuckles]
- [Danny] That was a great day.

I sorta wish I didn't have to go.

Sorta?

[Danny] Okay. Truth?

If I had my druthers,
I would send that cab away,

take you upstairs,
and not leave your bed for three days.

- Let's do it, sports man.
- Mmm. Don't tempt me.

[sighs]

O, think'st thou we shall ever meet again?

- I played Juliet in high school.
- Oh. [chuckles]

Kate was Romeo. It was a whole thing.

You are an endlessly
fascinating individual.

So what now?

We go back to our lives.

Try to forget about each other, again.

What a bummer.

Do you think
we'll ever get our timing right?

Maybe.

Someday.

But right now,

you are going to kiss me,

and then you're gonna get in that cab
and go back to New York.

And it's gonna suck. But there you go.

[siren wailing faintly]

[Danny sniffles]

[Danny sighs]

["U Really Got It Goin' On"
by Maria Méndez playing]

[all cheering]

[Tully chuckling]

♪ Walk that way
I knew right then ♪

♪ There ain't no doubt about it... ♪

[Tully sighs]

Hey. What's going on?

Nothing.

[Kate] Whoo!

Oh my God.

It's back, isn't it?

[sighs]

[music fades]

[tender music playing]

I straight-up asked you if you thought
anything was wrong with Celeste,

and you said nothing.

I thought we were friends.

Danny, I can't right now.

No, you can't ever, Tully.
That's the problem.

I can't.

[breathing shakily]

- Are you... are you all right? What's wrong?
- No, I can't.

- I can't breathe.
- What?

I can't breathe.

- It's Kate! It's Kate! I can't.
- Okay. Come here.

- No, no, it's okay. No, come here.
- Stop. No. Stop. I can't...

- Breathe with me. It's okay.
- [Tully sobbing]

Relax, relax, relax. I got you.

I'm here, I'm here.
Breathe with me, breathe.

[Tully whimpers]

Okay. Okay.

- [Danny] That's it. I'm here.
- Okay. Okay.

[young Kate] Did my heart love till now?

Forswear it, sight, for I never saw
true beauty till this night.

[Coop] Mularkey! Mularkey!

Stop!

Um...

I'm sorry.

Okay, Tully was right. I'm a d*ck.

I was scared and I was embarrassed.

But I don't want to lose you.

I love you.

[uplifting music playing]

Kate Mularkey's my girlfriend, everybody.

You hear that?
Kate Mularkey is my girlfriend!

Except I'm not, Coop.

I never was.

But I want you to be.

Please, Kate.

Will you go to prom with me?

[Kate inhales]

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

that I shall say good night...

And go to hell, Coop.

- Goodbye.
- [Tully] Yes!

[uplifting music continues]

[Tully giggles]

[Kate and Tully chuckle]

I don't think I'll ever see Danny again.

Oh, you're definitely
gonna see Danny again.

I'd bet on it.

[Johnny inhales]

Okay.

I'll get our bags.

I'll meet you down there, wife.

[Kate chuckles]

Bye, Tully.

Thanks for everything.

[Kate] Mmm.

What if Danny was my one and only?

You're my one and only.

Not anymore.

Always.

I'd better be.

[Kate chuckles]

Call me from the hotel to say goodnight
after you and Johnny do it.

- [both chuckle]
- Okay.

Love you!

Love you more.

[Tully breathes deeply]

[inhales]

[tender music playing]

["Harder Before It Gets Easier"
by David Wax Museum playing]

[all cheering]

♪ You've been sobbing so hard
You can barely breathe... ♪

You sure you're okay?

♪ You've been stitching your heart
On the outside of your sleeve ♪

♪ You've been stitching your heart
On the outside of your sleeve ♪

[Kate chuckles]

♪ You've been wrung out
And then doused with grief ♪

♪ In the ocean of time ♪

♪ This moment will be brief... ♪

[Johnny] Kate?

[Tully] Kate.

Kate!

♪ Oh, I know it's going to get harder ♪

♪ Before it gets easier ♪

♪ Knock, knock, fate was at the door ♪

♪ Knock, knock, too loud to ignore ♪

♪ Knock, knock, we were unprepared ♪

♪ Knock, knock, fate, it does not care ♪

♪ Care ♪

[song fades]