03x09 - Dealing with Sally

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Why can't they design a raincoat
that stops the rain tricklng down your neck?

In Los Angeles
you were looking forward to rain.

- That was in Los Angeles.
- "A drizzly day in Holland Park," you said.

Mm. But it took you to tell Cy Liebermann
it was the title of my next book.

You're getting as bad as Alistair.

Now, you mustn't knock Alistair,
you should be grateful he's looking after you.

I keep expecting him to pop in at night
to tuck me up in bed.

- I can think of worse things.
- I wish he'd stop calling you "lovely lady".

- You're jealous.
- Don't be ridiculous.

Well, there's no need to be,
I had my chance with Alistair.

I threw him over for some old wreck I know.

Hm.

- Would you like a proper cup of tea?
- I'll do it.

- You weren't really tempted, were you?
- By a rich, young, good-looking man?

- Of course I was.
- Have we got any custard tarts?

- I doubt it.
- You weren't really tempted?

Not really.

If you must know, yes, I was.

- Well, I wouldn't have been.
- (Laughs) No. I should hope not.

Look at the age difference,
when he's 45 you'll...

All right, all right. Anyway, I never considered it
a permanent relationship, just a fling.

- A fling?
- Yes.

- Is that a word that's often in your mind?
- No. Anyway, I'm having one with you now.

Hm. Less of a fling, more of a gavotte, really.

I'll get you some custard tarts after work.

- You're going to the office?
- I slept on the plane, I'm fine.

- You'd be better off in bed.
- In a "fling" sense?

- No, in a sleeping sense.
- Oh, forget it then.

I mean, when we left Los Angeles
the time was actually...

and then there was the flight,
so in reality the time is now...

- You don't know, do you?
- No, but I know we're out of synch.

- It'll hit you sometime.
- When it does I'll fall over.

Oh, look, a note from Judy. "Welcome home,
famous writer and his bit of stuff."

(Laughs) I still can't believe I'm being paid
good American money to write a miniseries.

- Well, don't knock it.
- No, I'm not.

- I suppose I'd better start.
- What, not this minute?

No. Soon though.

- To tell you the truth, I'm a bit scared.
- What did Alistair say? "Hang loose."

We've talked enough about Alistair.

All right, grumpy. I'm going to change
and then I'm going to go to work.

- What are you going to do?
- Go to bed.

- What!? At this hour?
- Mm.

I may not be able to work out the time
difference but I'm sure I should be in bed.

Well, I don't know, Sally. Mum's due back
from LA today but I don't know if she'll be in.

Yeah, OK, I'll tell her.

Actually, er... Oh.

- Goodbye.
- (Sandy) Miss Ice Cubes?

She just wanted to tell Mum
how brilliantly she's running the other branch.

- She didn't actually say "brilliantly", did she?
- No, "rather nicely" but it means the same.

When I went to see her last week, I felt like I
was being granted an audience with the queen.

Her complexion, of course, is flawless.

Huh! Not a split end on her head.

What do the temps think of her? Her temps.

"Awe" is the word.

- By the way, she drives a BMW.
- Oh, of course she does.

- New.
- Well, what else?

- Oh...
- (Sandy) Hello!

- Hello, Mum.
- (Sandy) Welcome back, boss!

- How was LA?
- Hello. Later.

- I'll take you to lunch and tell you.
- Wasn't I just saying, what a lovely woman?

I just want to know one thing -
did you go shopping on Rodeo Drive?

We couldn't even afford the money
for a parking meter on Rodeo Drive.

- How's it all going?
- Fine, don't look so anxious, the books are full.

We've treated ourselves to a new company car.

- Just a little runaround.
- Oh, yes? All right, I'll see for myself.

- I didn't expect you in here today.
- No, Lionel's gone to bed.

- Very sensible.
- It's coffee time.

What, at this hour?

Oh. Yes, of course, so it is.

See what I mean? You need to readjust.

No, it's all in the mind. Well, this looks all right.

How's the other branch going? How's, er?

Er, Sally Curtis?

Some people would call that a deafening silence.

- She's fine.
- She's, erm... very organised.

- Yes.
- I mean, what else is there to say?

By the expression on your faces, quite a lot.

(Doorbell)

- Hi, Li.
- Oh, come in, Alistair.

- Jim-jams?
- Yes. I'm in my jim-jams.

I didn't wake you? Or worse still,
is the lovely lady still in her jim-jams?

No, the lovely lady is not.
She's gone to the office.

I was trying to outmanoeuvre jet lag
but it didn't work.

- I never let jet lag into my life.
- I don't suppose you do. Coffee?

Thanks but no thanks,
I'm due in Covent Garden... soon-ish.

What are you singing?

Singing?

Oh! (Laughs)

Nice one, Li.
No, I'm meeting a guy with two hearts.

Aren't you gonna ask me why?

I didn't want to seem inquisitive.

There has to be a book in this guy!

As well as the two hearts?

Right. Which brings me to you.

- I've only got one heart.
- The series, Li, the series.

- I've only just got home.
- I know. But when you do get started...

- How shall I phrase this?
- Plain English would be nice.

OK. It's major league time.

- That's not a good start.
- Professional.

This whole project needs to be approached
in a very professional way.

We can't present it on the back of an envelope.

- I hadn't intended to do that.
- You know what I mean.

Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
For starters, I shall need a secretary.

Right. Have I got a girl lined up for you.

If it's all the same to you,
I'd rather Jean took care of that.

Sure, keep it in the family.
Not only is Jean a lovely lady...

And I'd sooner
you didn't keep talking about her.

I didn't know I was.

Well, no, not at the moment. But you have
and you do and... I'd sooner you didn't.

OK. Fine. (Chuckles)

Well, good luck, Li.

Look, Alistair, erm... thanks for all you've done.

- I'm really very grateful.
- My plesh. What about Twin Beats?

- Are they a group?
- No, no, no.

As a title, for the book
from the guy with two hearts.

- Oh.
- Not crazy about it?

Not really. How about The King Of Hearts?

(Chuckles)

The King Of Hearts? Hey, hey, hey,
you may just have made my day! Cheers, Li!

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Hello.

Oh, hello.

- I thought you'd forgotten who I was.
- No, I was just, er...

- Where are you going?
- To see you.

Alistair thinks I shall need
some secretarial assistance. For once I agree.

Oh. Well, I've got to go out.
Erm, talk to Sandy.

- Can I have Sandy?
- No, you can't.

For one thing she's my secretary,

for another you once told me her knees
keep popping into your head.

- Now and again, I said.
- That's often enough.

Anyway, you talk to her and she'll fix you up.

Bye. I'll see you, erm, this morning.

Er... er, this evening.

- I think you should be resting.
- I thought you were.

- I couldn't get to sleep.
- There you are, you see.

Jet lag's all in the mind.

- Nobody?
- Nobody.

- I can't see "nobody" there.
- No, but that's what it means.

- Damn nuisance.
- (Judith) It's good for business.

- It's still a nuisance!
- I could help some evenings.

- Jean's at home in the evenings.
- That's sweet. Isn't that romantic?

Mm. Alistair works all hours.

That's why he's rich
and I'm still grubbing about here.

- I'm not sure I like "grubbing about".
- Nor do I. We're a reputable agency.

With a second branch.

Ask Miss Ice Cubes -
that is, if she'll grant you an audience.

Just remember to walk backwards
out of her office... bowing.

- You don't like her, do you?
- We will when Mum's put her in her place.

- Is that where she was going?
- Mm-hm.

Why are you looking worried?

When I passed her she couldn't find her place,
let alone put her in it.

- She was a bit dreamy.
- She said jet lag's all in the mind.

So's me thinking I can run up five flights
of stairs without getting out of breath.

Here y'are. Here in just 17 minutes.

Which is miraculous, even if I do say so meself.

Oh, hello...

Miss?

Miss!

Lionel?

No, Francis, actually. We're here.

- Where?
- Where you wanted to go.

Oh! Yes, of course.

Oh...

- Er, thank you very much.
- All right.

- Er, may I say something?
- Depends what it is.

- You're a very attractive lady.
- Oh.

Thank you very much. Keep the change.

But you won't be for long if you start
drinking this early in the day, darling.

- Can I help you?
- It's all right. I'll see myself in.

- Miss Pargetter, how nice to see you.
- Yes, it is. Hello, Sally.

- Do sit down. Would you like a cup of tea?
- Oh, that would be nice.

- Are you all right?
- Yes, I'm perfectly all right.

Er, just put it down here, it'll be fine.

- Yes, of course.
- (Clears throat)

(Clears throat)

- Are you sure you're all right?
- Yes, I've told you. It's all in the mind.

- What is?
- Feeling all right.

Oh. Yes, I suppose it is.

Now... look, Sandy...

Sally - Sally. Er, I'll come straight to the point.

- Yes.
- I don't want to b*at about the bush.

The bush.

I wouldn't want you to. I like a direct approach.

Oh, good. Er...

- Is something wrong?
- No, I've told you, I'm perfectly all right.

No, with me. I like a direct approach but it does
often indicate some area of dissatisfaction.

Oh.

Er, I think I'll just have some tea.

It's lapsang souchong, I hope that's all right?

Oh, very. Yes, very.

Oh, very.

Look, er, would you like to see the books?

I think you'll find we're really doing
very well in...

Oh, no, no, no, not the books.
N-No, I'm sure you are.

Then it's not the area I mentioned?

- What area's that?
- The area of dissatisfaction.

Ah.

Miss Pargetter, you really do seem,
er, rather unwell.

Would you prefer me to see you another time?

I keep telling you, I'm perfectly all right... and
you are not seeing me, I am seeing me... y-you.

- Yes, of course.
- (Phone)

Excuse me. Yes?

- I told you to hold my calls.
- Look, you're obviously very busy.

No, I'm not. I'm really not.

- Well, I am.
- But I thought you wanted to see me?

Yes, I do but, erm, this is not the right time,
with you on the phone all the time.

I'll, er... I'll see you another ti...
Yes, phone, well, I'll phone.

- Yes, goodbye.
- Oh, Miss Pargetter.

- Oh.
- Are you sure you wouldn't like to... rest?

No, I'm positive. But here's something
to be thinking about - you're too... heavy.

"Heavy"?

H-Handed. Y-You're-You're too...

hhh... han... heavy...

Oh...

I felt a complete and utter fool.
Don't touch my feet!

I should never have gone.
The taxi-driver thought I was drunk.

It's jet lag, and don't say it's all in the mind.

- Then why haven't you got it?
- Perversity of nature. I expected to get it.

- Ohh.
- Now go to sleep.

I was going to take Judy and Sandy to lunch.

Well, that's a pleasure they'll have to forego.
Now go to sleep.

I'm not tired.

- Well, you're not right.
- I know I'm not right.

Miss Ice Cubes could testify to that.

I bet she's laughing
up her beautifully tailored sleeve.

First time I met her I reached into my briefcase
and got covered in cheese and pickle.

This time I blundered about
like a drugged elephant.

I don't know why you want to
impress her so much.

Impress her? Cos she's so bloody perfect.

Oh, don't make that patronising face.
Wait till you meet her.

- I will this afternoon, actually.
- Why?

All your temps are booked,
and Judith suggested I tried the other branch.

You'll think she's wonderful, of course.
There you go, making faces again.

I just want to be left out of this, that's all.

- If you're so obsessed with impressing her...
- Obsessed?

Yes - then you should concentrate
on getting back to the land of the living.

I keep telling you - how many more times? -
I'm not tired.

I feel a bit... dislocated, a bit woozy
but I'm not tired.

As a matter of fact I've...

I feel ever so tired.

There we are, I can have a secretary with you
tomorrow morning.

Her name's Daisy. She's a very competent girl.

Excellent!

Thank you.

Well...

It must be wonderful to be a writer.

Yes, it must be.

No, but... you are.

Oh, yes, I suppose I am.

Well, thanks very much for your help.

If there are any problems, just let me know.

Yes, I will.

Jean doesn't like me, does she?

Doesn't she? I... I haven't the faintest idea.

Judith and Sandy don't like me either, do they?

Look, I'm outside all of this,
I don't know who likes who.

I am so sorry. I shouldn't have asked. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Look...

it isn't a question of them not liking you.

- Then what is it a question of?
- Well...

perhaps not... warming to you.

Miss Ice Cubes.

Word gets round, you know.

I just don't have the knack of inspiring affection,
I never have.

- Don't you?
- Look at the way I look.

- Oh...
- No, go on, look.

I don't see a lot to complain about.

That's just it - this is just the equipment
that I was handed out, I didn't choose it.

Plenty would.

I didn't choose to be bright either.

I didn't choose to be naturally academic
or naturally efficient.

I can't help what I am.

I'm sorry, I don't see why should you want to.

Because it turns people off.

You mean, erm, women people.

Oh, men, as well.

Oh, they fancy me but, er, when they
find out that I've got a... a good mind

they don't often like me.

Well, look here - I like you.

Oh. Thank you, Mr Hardcastle.

Oh... call me Lionel.

- Hello. Just taking this up to Mum.
- How is she?

She knows what day it is. Alistair's in there.

- Did you get here before Judith or with her?
- With. With.

Why?

No reason.

How's the "But you look beautiful
without your glasses, Miss Smith" situation?

I haven't the faintest idea
what you're talking about.

- The secretary situation.
- Oh, all sorted. Sally's fixed me up.

Excellent.

I must say, Li, that lady seems to be -
how shall I put it? -

getting to our ladies.

It's not hard to see why.
She's rather good looking.

You mean gorgeous, don't you?

If pressed, yes. (Laughs)

Mum says she's gonna stay where she is.

- I think I could do with an early night.
- Hey, hey.

No. Snore, snore.

Whatever turns you on.

At our age being turned off
often means being turned on.

Have you got to the Swinging Sixties yet?

No, I'm on the Fumbling Fifties.

Oh, I didn't know it was that kind of series.

Not that sort of fumbling. Well...

there was some. We fumbled at everything then.

We weren't a very assured generation.

No, I suppose not.

- Who's that?
- A very young Frank Sinatra.

So it is.

Wasn't he thin?

Oh.

Oh, look - Ernest Bevin!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

It's all right,
it's getting too heavy to hold anyway.

- You're not getting up?
- Only to brush my teeth.

This bed is full of crumbs.

They just bounce from one place to the other.

- What are you shouting about?
- The bed is full of crumbs.

- Oh, come here.
- You're brushing them over my side!

Just brush the same direction.

- There, there.
- Shall I get the Hoover?

No!

All right?

Oh...

All right for the moment
but they'll move about during the night.

Still, we'll face that when we come to it.
Good night.

Good... Oh, how did you get on with Sally Curtis?

I told you... she's found me a secretary.

I know that but you didn't say anything else.

- Like what?
- Well, general impressions.

I've been home all evening. Why ask me now?

I didn't want to seem overanxious.
I thought you might have just told me.

- My general impressions?
- Yes.

Fine.

Well, did you like her?

"Fine" was the general impression
you asked for.

- So you did like her?
- Yes, I did, actually.

I thought she seemed a very honest girl.

- Really.
- Yes, if you must know.

Quite honestly, I don't see why
you all have such a down on her.

And come to that, I don't see why you went to,
quote, put her in her place.

She gave you the old sob story, did she?

She didn't, as a matter of fact.

You had to drag it out of her?

She simply told me she was aware
she wasn't liked and she knew why.

- Oh, I see.
- So there you are.

She can't help looking gorgeous.

Sorry?

- Attractive.
- What's that got to do with anything?

It's one of the reasons why
none of you like her. And being clever.

She can't help that either but you all resent it.

Oh, Lionel!

You're too old to be this gullible.

I can see her now, draped over her desk saying,
"Why is my beauty such a curse?"

- She didn't do any such thing.
- I bet she wore a short skirt.

- Can't remember.
- She did.

Well, perhaps, but I refute "gullible".

- Sticking to "gorgeous" though, aren't you?
- Yes, all right, I am.

I mean, that and being brainy
is what gets under your skin.

And not just yours - Judith and Sandy's.

(Chuckles) It's interesting
that you're all women, isn't it?

No less interesting than the fact
that you're a man of a certain age.

I've always been a man of a certain age.

Well, perhaps you're right.
But it's not easy to warm to somebody

who makes you feel like a bag lady
without even trying.

It's more than that, though.
She's arrogant and she's overwhelming.

Well, she wasn't with me.

Oh, go to sleep.

That's what I've been trying to do.

- (Chuckles)
- Why are you laughing?

You accuse me of being jealous of Alistair

and you are jealous of Sally
but there's a difference.

- And what would that be?
- You were jealous before I even met Sally.

(Laughs)

- Morning.
- Morning.

- What time did you get in last night?
- About two.

- You've no right to look that good.
- You look fine.

I should, I've had about 16 hours' sleep.

- We went out with Sandy and Nick.
- Oh, yeah?

The thing is, Sandy and I
got talking about you and...

If it's about me taking things easier,
I'd sooner not know.

It's about Sally Curtis, and you going to see her.

I don't want to be reminded of that either.

You shouldn't have gone yesterday.

Not with jet lag coming on, no.

No, you only went because you came back
to find Sandy and me

- going on like third-form sneaks.
- With justification.

No, not really.

I mean, we don't know her.
We hardly even see her.

She runs that branch like clockwork.

Are you telling me
she's a warm and wonderful person?

- No, I can't stand her.
- Lionel thinks I'm jealous of her.

- Well, you are.
- Oh?

Oh, come on, we both are.
Let's face it, that's the only real problem.

Have you been nobbled by Lionel?

I'm not a racehorse!
I haven't seen him this morning.

Perhaps you're right,
I mean... what would I have said to her?

"Can't you look more dowdy?
Can't you be less efficient?

"Can't you fall in a puddle and be muddy?"

- I like the last one.
- Yes, so do I.

Perhaps you're right. We'll just let it lie.

- I feel a finer person now.
- (Laughs)

- Cheerio, Mum.
- Bye, love.

Hello, Lionel. I hope you've shaved -
you've got a secretary coming.

I know. And I have.

- Good sleep?
- (Chuckles) Eventually.

Yes, well, I'm sorry about that.

But you'll be glad to hear
we've sorted everything out

and we've decided to be large-hearted and
not envy Sally Curtis because she's perfect.

- Good.
- And you don't have to see her again?

No. Not unless she's so besotted with me
that she can't leave me alone.

- You should be so lucky.
- "Lucky"?

I couldn't be doing with anybody perfect.
I much prefer you.

If I think about that for a very long time
I could take it as a compliment.

- Of course.
- Well, I better be going.

- You might even get to like her.
- Now we're into the realms of fantasy.

- Look, you're bigger than she is.
- I know that!

Bigger-hearted! Try it.
Make the first move, you might be surprised.

Are you thinking of becoming
a United Nations peacekeeper?

- Give it a chance.
- Because I'm suddenly big-hearted?

Not suddenly.

Oh...

- See you tonight.
- See you tonight.

(Doorbell)

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I'm Daisy. Sally Curtis sent me to, er,
do some secretarial work for Mr Hardcastle.

Oh, did she really?

- Come in.
- Thank you.

Look what Sally's sent you.

Hello. I'm Daisy.

Good morning. (Chuckles)

Come through, I've just made a pot of coffee.
This way.

Here.

I'll k*ll her. I'll k*ll her.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪