04x09 - Judith's New Romance

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Well, as honeymoons go,
it was rather good, wasn't it?

How many honeymoons have you had?

Only the two,
but this was the better by a long chalk.

You're not just saying that because you
like the porridge up here, are you?

It does have a bearing.

Now we're married, you're not going
to start knocking me about, are you?

Not on a regular basis, no.

Let's have a sit-down.
We must have walked ten miles.

- Two at the most.
- Let's have a sit-down anyway.

Yes.

Oh!

It's been a lovely week.

Just us. That's been the best part.

I'd like to come back here for our anniversary.

Not for our golden one, though.

I'll be about 130 by then.

You'll have just slowed down a bit.

Probably.

- If only...
- Oh, no more ifs, Lionel.

We finally made it. That's all that matters.

Does sound funny Mrs Wishart at the hotel
referring to us

as "my bonny wee newlyweds."

She doesn't say "bonny wee".

- Are you sure?
- Positive.

I shall always think of her as saying it.

How did you know about this hotel
tucked up here, anyway?

- Wouldn't you like to know?
- I'll give you another push.

My father told me about it. He and Madge
stayed here about three years ago.

- Not that he recommended it.
- Too quiet.

He described it as
"nothing in the middle of nowhere".

- I knew we'd like it.
- Yes.

Next time we go away on holiday,

we must ask him to not recommend
somewhere else.

I suppose we'd best be making a move.
Train to catch tonight.

Back to reality.

Not all it's cracked up to be, reality.

- I don't want to go.
- Nor do I much.

- But...
- Yes, but.

Come on, missus.

- Can you manage?
- I'm fine.

Cases are always heavier
on the way home, aren't they?

I told you you shouldn't
have packed the caber.

Shall I make a dash upstairs
with these now or leave them?

Leave them. I'm too young to be a widow.

Hello!

- Welcome home.
- Oh, hello, Sandy!

- Did you have a good time?
- Yes, a lovely time.

- I can recommend honeymoons.
- Good. I've got the kettle on.

Would you like me to nip
those upstairs for you quickly?

I'll nip them up myself
after I've had a cup of tea.

- How's everything at the office?
- Fine!

It b*rned down but we're working from a tent.

- Are you sure that everything's all right?
- It's running like clockwork.

- Oh, good.
- I told you you weren't indispensable.

- I didn't claim to be.
- You're not having your first married row?

- Oh, no, we had that on the Tuesday.
- Not a row. It was a little disagreement.

- What about?
- Toothpaste.

Not about squeezing from the middle?

- You've got it.
- Why are men so niggly about that?

- It's exactly what I said.
- "Obsessive" was the word you used.

We've decided not to divorce.
We've settled for separate tubes of toothpaste.

Wise move. Well, I must be off.

There's plenty of food in the fridge.
The dishwasher is immaculately stacked.

There are some fresh custard tarts
for you in the cupboard.

- Where's Judy? Is she gone already?
- Yes, Eric gave her a lift in.

- Eric?
- Yes.

- Who's Eric?
- Someone she met while you were away.

- Well, I must be off.
- I'll pop into the office later.

- There's no need.
- No, I'll probably pop in.

- Bye.
- Sandy.

What's this Eric like?

Well...

Well, what?

- In fact, why "well" at all?
- Well, lots of people start with a "well".

That's right. You just did.

Yes, so I did.

Sandy, don't change the subject.
All I asked was a simple question.

"What's this Eric like?"
That's all I said.

- Well...
- There you go again!

Look, it's not for me to say, is it?

- See you later.
- Sandy!

Well...

- You're doing it now.
- No, but...

It's not funny, Lionel.
Why was Sandy so evasive?

Perhaps she thinks
it's none of her business.

Meaning it's none of mine?

- Shall we have a cup of tea?
- There's obviously something wrong.

I think I'll have a cup of tea.

When you want to be unhelpful,
you make a good job of it.

Judith's a grown woman.
She can see who she chooses.

I know that!

- If Eric's a bit...
- Bit what?

If he doesn't fit your picture, that's hard luck.

Then you admit he doesn't fit my picture.

I don't admit anything.
I've never met the man.

More to the point, you've never met the man.

- Well, I shall reserve my judgment, then.
- I wish you would.

That'll be Alistair.

- How do you know that?
- We've been home all of ten minutes.

Hello, Alistair.

- Hello, young lady, is your mother at home?
- Oh!

- Do you want a cup of tea?
- You look great. You really do.

- I guess it's love.
- If I look great at this time of day, it must be.

- Hi, hubby.
- Hubby?!

Li, then.

- How's my main married man?
- Rather well, as a matter of fact.

Are we talking, woof, honeymoon?

We are referring to the honeymoon.

Talking of which, we should apologise
for sneaking off after the wedding.

You put so much hard work
into organising everything

and us not turning up at the restaurant,
I hope you weren't offended.

No way! Wish I'd thought of it myself.

Everyone had a great time, anyway.
And now, Li, the cherry on your custard tart.

- Your miniseries is in production.
- Good Lord, they're actually making it?

- Don't sound so surprised.
- I suppose they know what they're doing.

Don't question their sanity, Li.
There should be a very nice cheque in the post.

We haven't got round to the post yet.

- May I?
- Hmm.

That should be the one.

What else did you get for Christmas?

Oh! I'm suddenly warming
to these people. Look!

That's good, isn't it? Talking of Judith...

- We weren't.
- Not strictly speaking.

- Did you see while we were away?
- Only briefly.

I wanted your number
so I could tell you about the filming.

- How did she seem?
- Happy enough.

- She obviously didn't give you the number.
- More than her life was worth, she said.

- She quoted me exactly.
- Not extra happy?

- Pardon?
- Judy.

I only saw her for five minutes.
You really should see some of the filming.

- It'll knock you sideways.
- It'll probably knock me flat on my back.

Happy enough can seem like happy enough

when it's only trying to be happier than you are.

- Can it?
- Yes.

Right. Next weekend would be a good time.
They're filming at Madge and Rocky's.

Do they know
what they've let themselves in for?

Madge and Rocky? I'm sure they do.

- I mean the film crew.
- We've all done it, haven't we?

- Done what?
- Tried to put a brave face on things.

When we know there's something badly wrong.

Nothing is badly wrong. Mike Barbosa
is delighted with what's been sh*t so far.

I'm not talking about the filming.
I'm talking about Judy.

- Something is dreadfully wrong in her life?
- Got a new chap.

- I don't see where you're going with this.
- There's something wrong with him.

- What?
- I don't know.

See, Jean, I don't generally get
easily confused, but in this case...

It isn't a case at all. It's an assumption
based on no evidence whatsoever.

- Why was Sandy so evasive about it?
- She was keeping her nose out of it.

- Why not simply ask Judy?
- That's far too simple, isn't it?

Lionel, don't be sarcastic. It doesn't suit you.

I'm just trying against all the odds
to be logical.

Why not just go into the office and say
to Judy, "What's your new chap like?"

- Makes sense.
- And come across as a nosey mother?

No, thank you.

Why didn't you just tell Mum about Eric?

You know very well.

I'd have only ended up trying to justify him
and that's your job, not mine.

- I don't have to justify him to anyone.
- Oh, no?

- No.
- Explain him, then.

- What's to explain?
- Morning!

- You are on your own.
- Not for long.

I may be out here for quite some time.

- Oh, right.
- Hello, Mum!

- Did you have a lovely time?
- Yes, lovely.

I'll hear all about it later. I've got to go out.

- What, straightaway?
- Yeah, I'm late already.

- Oh...
- Bye.

Bye...

I'm going out with him later.

I'll bring him round for a drink
when he picks me up.

Who?

- Mum.
- You don't have to bring him in.

I think we'd better get it over with, don't you?

- They even bring their own loos.
- What?

- Who do?
- The film people. See?

vicarage."

And various other bits of information
I don't understand.

Here we are. "Toilets on site: Portaloos."

I think that's one of the most fascinating
pieces of information I've ever heard.

- Trying to take your mind off things.
- He'll be here soon.

Yes, he might be lumbering up the road
this very minute.

- Did you say lumbering?
- I was joking.

- Well, I'd sooner you didn't.
- Cheerio, then.

- Where are you going?
- Out.

- Anywhere special?
- No.

Just out. Bye.

- That's significant.
- I thought it might be.

She doesn't want to be here.

I'm beginning not to want to be here.

Look. If he's very short...

Yes?

I mean really short,
don't stand next to him, will you?

Don't tower over him.

I'll just sit very low in my seat.

When he sits down, I'll pop a cushion
under his little bottom.

- I'm not sure what to do if he's a giant.
- Why should he be a giant?

Why have you discounted the possibility
that he could be a very average person?

Because Judy said we'd better get it over with.

- She could just have meant...
- Yes?

- Meant...
- Yes?

- Just give me a minute, will you?
- Yes.

You're beginning to have your doubts now.

- I wish we were still in Scotland.
- All this going on without us knowing?

- All what going on?
- Whatever it is.

Oh, he's here.

It's all right, I'll go.

- We look as if we're waiting for him.
- Well, we are.

Yes, but we shouldn't look like it.

Spread out a bit.

Spread out a bit.

Mum, Lionel, say hello to Eric.

Hello.

Nice to meet you both.

It is customary to say hello back.

- Yes, of course.
- Hello, Eric.

- How are you?
- I'm very well, thank you. Yourself?

Me? Oh, I'm very well.

Yes, I'm very well too.

- That's good, isn't it?
- Yes, it is, all being well.

- Eric, would you like a drink?
- I'll do it. You all sit down.

- I'm here already. You all sit down.
- Eric?

- A soft one, please.
- Sorry?

Oh!

- Eric would like a soft one, Judy.
- Yes, I heard.

Don't want to blotch the old escutcheon
after 35 years.

- Escutcheon?
- Driving licence.

No, quite.

Oh, thanks.

- So, Eric...
- Yes?

You've been driving for 35 years?

Yes, that's right.
I took it up rather late, I'm afraid.

Here we are.

What?

Oh, yes.

- Well, here's to... To...
- Eric?

Yes?

No, I mean, here's to Eric.

Thank you very much.

So, Eric, how did you find us?

I've been here before.

Have you? Oh, yes, of course you have.
Silly question.

- We can't stay long.
- That's all right, Judith.

- There's plenty of time.
- Is there?

That's good, isn't it?

Far less traffic on the roads, of course,
when I learned to drive.

Oh, well, there would be. I mean...

- There must have been.
- Far less.

There's a great deal more now.
Don't you think so, Lionel?

- Yes, there is, definitely.
- Far more...

I wonder what the increase in volume is.

I thought it was Scotland again when
you said, "Shall we have an early night?"

- I've got other things on my mind.
- So I found out.

Honestly, Lionel, we've got a situation here.

- I assume Eric is the situation.
- Well, yes, you saw him.

- He's ancient.
- He's about the same age as me.

Ancient for Judy, I mean.

He seems a nice enough chap. A bit, well...
A bit quiet but nice enough.

Yes, but old. I mean for Judy.

- I think I'll make a cup of tea.
- No, no!

- You mustn't go downstairs.
- You think I might have a fall?

They might come in. They might think
you've gone down there on purpose.

I would have done. Gone with the purpose
of making a cup of tea.

You know what I mean.
It's why I suggested we came to bed early.

I don't want Judy to think we're overinterested.

We?

- You're not interested, then?
- That's not the point.

Is that a car? Have a look! Have a look!

Don't make it obvious!

- Well?
- A car has stopped.

- Who's in it?
- I can't see.

Well, let me have a look.

Come on, let me see.

- Oh, it's a red car.
- Do you want me to write that down?

- Did Eric have a red car?
- I don't know. I didn't see his car.

- That's no help at all.
- Can we be rational for a moment?

- What exactly are you doing?
- I'm not very sure.

- Well, then come back to bed.
- No, no, wait.

Something's happening.

He's emptying the ashtray onto the pavement.

Well, if that's the sort of man he...

Oh, he's driven off.
Can't have been Eric after all.

- What if you were to see something?
- Like what?

Well, I don't know, anything.
What do you intend to do?

Lean out the window and shout, "Take your
hands off my daughter, you dirty old man"?

No, of course not. Oh, but, Lionel,
he is too old for her, isn't he?

- I don't think it's any of our business.
- Of course it's our business.

- We're her parents.
- No, we are not.

- Well, you're her stepfather.
- I sound like someone in a pantomime.

That's no excuse to stand back
when there's a family crisis.

- I don't consider this a crisis.
- But what if he proposes?

- They've only known each other a week.
- He hasn't got time on his side.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

There's a car pulling up.

- I was reading.
- I don't want Judy to think we're spying.

No, of course not.

He didn't stay very long.

Perhaps they've changed their mind.
Perhaps they've driven off to a hotel.

Shh, she's coming up the stairs.

If she wants to get to her bedroom,
she'd have to.

Oh...

Hello, love. We didn't hear you come in.

Mum, I saw the light go out.

Oh.

- I thought you'd like an update on Eric.
- It isn't any of our business, Judy.

I know that, but I still think
you'd like an update.

- We shan't be seeing each other any more.
- A row?

No, not a row.

Your faces when I brought him in this evening.

Come to think of it,
your faces when I left with him this evening.

He's not without sensitivity.
He knew what you were thinking.

Result - he doesn't think
that we should see each other any more.

All right?

Oh, Lionel.

What have we done?

We?

- Alistair's here.
- Coming!

- Any luck?
- I'd rather put it down to skill.

Yes, Eric runs a small bookshop
in Camden Town.

- There's the address.
- You never cease to amaze me.

I have that effect on a lot of people.

- Hello, Alistair. Any luck?
- Took him all of two hours.

How on earth did you trace someone
we only knew as Eric in two hours?

You said he mentioned a bookshop.
It was simple.

If you want to know about his schooldays,
convictions, it might take another hour.

No, this is fine.
We only want to talk to him.

Listen.

If this guy wants warning off...
Judy and I may no longer be an item

but I'm still very fond of her.

Alistair, I don't think
we need to get into mafia territory.

We don't want to warn him off.

We only want to apologise
for making him warn himself off.

I'll work that one out later today.

In the meantime, if there is nothing else,
I have a writer to see in Dorset.

What, Thomas Hardy?

Nice one, Li! No, very close.
This guy claims to be a reincarnation.

See you both later.

Thanks, Alistair.

- We could phone him.
- Yes.

We could phone him.

No.

Good morning.

Oh, hello! It's Mr and Mrs Hardcastle.

No, actually, I'm Ms... Oh, yes, so we are!

Good morning.
I should say that this is not a coincidence.

I see. Well, in that case,
I'll just close up for a bit.

Keep the throng of customers at bay.

Would you like to sit down, Mrs Hardcastle?

Now, may I get you both something?
A glass of sherry, perhaps?

No, I'll come straight to the point, Eric.

We feel very badly about what's happened.

Yes, I came as a bit of a shock, didn't I?

- No.
- Yes. You did.

Yes, you did.

But that's no excuse for letting us
see that you came as a bit of a shock.

I think you did remarkably well
under the circumstances.

A young woman like Judith turning up
with an old wreck like me.

I'm 62, you know.

- That's not old.
- And certainly not a wreck.

Well, to be quite honest,
I never really understood

what a lovely girl like Judith saw in me.

I'm not exactly a sparkling sort of person.

- Well, not sparkling, no.
- Few of us are.

Old hat, some might say.

I never liked that expression.

You see, I've been a widower
for the last ten years

and in all that time, I haven't... haven't...

Haven't what?

Haven't got out very much.

But with Judith, it all seemed so...

so... I don't know...

It was like looking at life again and liking it.

- You keep talking in the past tense.
- Yes, of course.

If that's what you've come to see me about,
I can assure you I'm a man of my word

and I shall not be seeing Judith again.

The last thing I want to do
is cause friction in the family.

That's not what we came to see you about.
We came to apologise.

- What for?
- Reservations we had no right to have.

- But you do have reservations.
- Well...

No. No. None at all.

I mean, what's age?

If two people get on, then age doesn't matter.

If there are any problems,
they're up to you and Judy to sort out.

Well, that's very kind of you.

- But I...
- No buts, Eric.

You phone her.
Now, you go on seeing her.

We want you to. Now, don't we, Lionel?

It seems we insist on it.

What a nice man Eric is.

- What a truly nice man.
- You are the woman I slept with last night?

I never doubted his niceness.

Something's badly wrong
in Judy's life, you said.

- Well, I just jumped to a few conclusions.
- Leapt to a lot.

Now we know everything's fine, don't we?

I've turned the potatoes but you've done
too many. Sandy's going out tonight.

I can have bubble and squeak for breakfast.

- I'm sorry I was ratty last night.
- You had a perfect right to be.

- Yeah, but I'm still sorry I was.
- Well, now everything's fine.

- We went to see Eric today.
- You did what?

- Oh, don't jump down my throat!
- Why did you go and see Eric?

- What a nice man.
- I know. Why did you go and see him?

- To apologise.
- I suppose our chins did hit the floor.

We never quite managed
to get them back in place again.

- So we apologised.
- I see.

- So now everything's fine, isn't it?
- Yeah, I suppose it is.

As your mother said, what's age?

If two people get on, what does age matter?

- You said that?
- Yes.

- You don't believe that for a minute.
- I do.

- You don't.
- She does.

- She doesn't.
- Well, not completely. I'm doing my best.

- Anyway, he is a nice man.
- Well, you saw his shop.

I didn't go out with him for his money.
He is a nice man.

Kind. Thoughtful. A gentle man.

Bit like me, really.

Anyway, the thing is this. It's your life.

And if Eric's back in it, well, he's back in it.

Back in it?

I told him he didn't have to make
all those noble gestures.

If he wanted to go on seeing you, he should.

- Oh, Mum...
- Well, now what have I done?

- I don't want Eric back in my life.
- What?

When he said not to see each other any more,
I was so relieved.

I just hadn't had the heart to give him the push.

I think I'll have another drink.

But you've been saying
how nice and thoughtful he is.

Yeah, he is, but after going out
with him a couple of times, I also realise

that he's deadly, deadly dull.

- Lionel.
- What?

Say something.

Anybody else want a drink?

I don't understand. If you were so glad
to see him go, why tell us off last night?

That was on principle.

- Oh, I see.
- I don't.

Never mind. You just got dragged
into all this, didn't you, Lionel?

- Yeah, I did, really.
- Oh, thanks!

The point is, I shouldn't have needed to be.

After all, I'm part of the family now,
a family I care about.

Aw!

Why does he always get let off?

I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, Eric.

- Judy? No, she's not in, I'm afraid.
- I'll take that downstairs in the kitchen.

Oh, what a coincidence.
She's just walked back.

Yes, she'll take it on the other line.

- I was only trying to help.
- Mum, I'll sort it out.

- I should tell him...
- Mum!

Eric? Yes, she's just coming.

Yes.

How are your books?

Oh, good. I'll hang up as soon as she...
Oh, yes, there she is.

Yes. Goodbye.

Put it down.

None of this would have happened
if she'd told us she was going off him.

None of this would have happened
if you'd kept right out of it.

I know.

- Well, I won't do it again.
- Promise?

Promise.

I'll go.

Kong.

Sorry?

I'm Kong. Well, Digby, actually.

Don't you remember me?
I was at your wedding.

Oh, of course!
You found my husband's parents for us!

- We didn't actually meet.
- How do you do?

- Aw, a smashing ceremony.
- Oh, thank you.

I've come for Sandy.

- Sandy?
- Aye, I'm taking her out.

Oh... Come in.

- Not on the bike?
- Oh, I'll go very carefully.

- You won't go far, will you?
- Hello, Digby.

- Sorry to keep you waiting.
- You look lovely.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

- Night.
- Good night.

Night.

Sandy...

Night.

- Who was that?
- Kong.

Sandy's going out with Kong.

- Oh, I see.
- Is that all you can say, "Oh, I see?"

What are we going to do about it?

Lionel! Oh, Lionel!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say, I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪