04x10 - Improvements

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Do you know something?

I feel redundant.

- Feel what?
- Redundant.

- I'm only reading the paper.
- No, not here, I mean at the office.

I feel it more and more.

I think of something to do only to find
Judy or Sandy have already done it.

That's good. They're showing initiative.

I wish they wouldn't show so much.

You don't think they're
trying to tell me something?

I don't think
they're plotting to overthrow you.

You don't think they're trying
to tell me I'm yesterday's woman?

- Isn't that rather excessive?
- I don't know.

- Perhaps I am.
- I think of you as my child bride.

- Oh, do you?
- Well, not really, of course.

But I certainly don't think of you
as yesterday's woman.

- It's you coming back into my life.
- Are you saying I've aged you?

I'm saying that before, you see...

I'm not saying that work
was everything I had in my life.

- No, of course not.
- But it was everything I had in my life.

Now...

Why don't you retire?

- Retire?
- It's not a dirty word.

To do what, take up crochet
or sequence dancing?

You're being excessive again.

For a start,
we could spend more time together.

Have you retired, then?

- I'm not sure, really.
- What if your miniseries is a success?

- Fat chance.
- Never mind fat chance.

What if it is and they ask you to write
something else?

- The money's good.
- Exactly.

You could be away working and I'd be
stuck back here doing my crochet.

Crochet is your invention,
and why am I suddenly away working?

- I work at home.
- You don't like being interrupted at work.

No, but I'd still be here, wouldn't I?

This sofa would be here.
I don't look on it as great company.

I probably won't ever be asked
to write anything again.

- That's a probably.
- Life's made up of probablys.

That's one of those words. Say it a few times
and it ceases to be a real word.

- Probably, probably, probably.
- You've gone right off the track.

I'm not sure there ever was a track. All I said
was that I felt a bit redundant at the office.

Which is where we came in.

Don't get me wrong, I like being married.

I'm very pleased to hear it.

But I'm not a little-wifey sort of person.

I'm not really sure that
I'm a little-hubby sort of person.

Meaning you'd like to go on working.

- If a miracle turns up, yes.
- But you'd like me to retire.

It was only a suggestion.

- You started this. I was reading the paper.
- What were you reading?

- An article about crochet, actually.
- Oh!

Don't!

Hello, love. How was the film?

Oh, it was sad, you know,
a bit of a weepie.

- Did you enjoy the film, Sandy?
- Oh, very much.

Funniest thing I've seen in ages.

- You did see the same film?
- I just said it was a bit of a weepie.

- Clang!
- I don't have to know where you were.

All right. We didn't go and see a film.

It's just we get so sick
and tired of going to see flats

and coming back
and saying how awful they were.

So you saw a flat. And?

It was awful.

Garden flat, it said.
You should've seen the garden.

Six square feet of concrete
with a shrub in a tub.

- A dead shrub.
- It was like a tiny prison exercise yard.

- Hello, you two. How was the film?
- They've been to see a flat.

- My memory must be going.
- No, we fibbed.

- I see.
- Aren't you going to ask us why?

No, I don't think I will.

- So, what was the flat like?
- Ideally suited... to manic depressives.

- Well, I think you should give up looking.
- Yes, that's what I said.

Lionel has got used to living
with a monstrous regiment of women.

I'll ignore that. The fact is
that we may not be here much longer.

You're not talking about dying?

I'm talking about
Rocky and Madge's house.

Well, my house soon.

Jean and I might be moving down there.

- Permanently?
- I don't see why not.

- Your mother's thinking of retiring.
- Retiring?

- Are you really?
- Don't let your supper get cold.

- Would you like a drink?
- No, thank you.

I'd like one of those planes
that tows a big banner behind it.

- I'm not supposed to understand that, am I?
- Big red letters. "Jean is retiring."

Perhaps you'd like to announce it
on Radio 2.

Two people I mentioned it to.

Two people. I didn't say retiring.
I said "is thinking of retiring".

- Who says I am?
- You did.

No, I did not. All I said was I felt
a bit redundant at the office.

Suddenly, I find you issuing
official statements.

Where are you going?

To retract the official statement
which I never made.

Look, we don't want Jean to agonise
about which one of us gets her job.

We could run the office between us.

Yeah, of course we could.

Which one of us gets her desk?

Forget everything I said.
Jean has absolutely no intention of retiring.

Oh.

But I am thinking about it.

- We're off to the shops.
- Oh, right. You won't forget...

- Lionel's custards tarts? No.
- They're top of the list.

Right, bye, then.

Well?

- Look, Mum, we don't want you to retire.
- No, of course we don't.

We don't want you to feel
any pressure from either of us.

Just because we're young,
vibrant, ambitious.

- We'd miss you.
- Professionally?

- Of course we would.
- A lot.

- That came out very quickly, didn't it?
- All right.

If you want an honest answer,
I suppose we could get by without you.

- Oh!
- That doesn't mean to say we want to.

It wouldn't be the same. Less bullying.

- But it wouldn't be the same.
- Oh, go shopping!

I'll go.

Truly, Mum.
We really don't want you to retire.

I know. But Lionel does. Oh, go on.

Hi, Li.

Are we in business,
or are we in business?

- I don't know, I don't know.
- Hello, Alistair.

- Hey, hey.
- We're going shopping.

Something soft and sexy, I hope.

Depends on how you feel
about custard tarts. Bye.

Bye.

- Now, was that called for?
- Yes, it was, actually.

Go through.

- Hello, Alistair.
- He's asking questions I don't understand.

All I said was, "Are we in business,
or are we in business?"

That's a debatable point at the moment.

- What do you know that I don't know?
- I'm just thinking of something else.

- I assume you mean the filming?
- Do I mean the filming?

- Well, do you or don't you?
- Yes, Li.

Everything's going so... hey...

And the people, everyone's so... you know.

There were no adjectives
in that sentence.

How about superb, wonderful, brilliant?

- How about telling the truth?
- Would I lie...

Li?

Listen, Mike Barbosa is so thrilled

that he's invited you to your father's house
tomorrow to see the filming.

Lionel doesn't have to be invited
to his own father's house.

Particularly by an American television
executive only just out of short trousers.

And in case the child has forgotten,
Lionel's the author.

Can we cease fire, hmm?
I thought you'd be thrilled.

This is your chance to see your words
coming off the page.

Assuming any of my words
are left on the page.

You can be very cynical sometimes, Li.

Now, you will both come, won't you?

- I suppose I have to see it sometime.
- Not the most enthusiastic yes.

- It's the best I can do.
- I suppose it could be quite funny.

Funny?

Seeing somebody else pretending to be us.
Perhaps odd is a better word.

Yeah, that's a thought.
Who are pretending to be us?

Wait for this.

Jake Paris and Beverley Branch.

- Never heard of them.
- Can they act?

Can they act? Can they act?

OK, they may not be household names yet
but Beverley Branch is a budding actress.

Believe me, they are going to be big.

- What, Beverley Branch?
- Jake Paris?

Here's an idea. Why not ask
Judy and Sandy down as well?

- I expect they'd like that.
- Great!

So I'll pick you all up about ten, OK?

- Thanks, Alistair.
- I'll see myself out.

- This Jake Paris...
- Think of him as a young...

William Lundigan. Ciao.

- Who the hell's William Lundigan?
- Goodness knows.

But he must've looked a bit like Jake Paris.

I wonder what Beverley Branch looks like.

I shouldn't.
None of it's going to look like us.

I doubt if it'll bear much resemblance
to what I wrote at all.

I probably shan't end up going to Korea.

I shall probably trot off
with Wellington to Waterloo.

- Prettier uniforms.
- And you won't be a nurse.

You'll probably end up as a camp follower.

- Hope I'm one of the better-class ones.
- You're taking this all very lightly.

So should you. You told me you'd reached
a stage where you didn't care.

I know, but I've been thinking.

If this epic turns out to be the shambles
I think it's going to be,

nobody's ever going to ask me
to write anything again.

That wouldn't be the end of the world,
would it?

- No, I suppose not.
- And if it did happen...

you could always retire.

Hey, you guys, terrific to see you.
Really terrific.

Come and say hello to some of the crew.

A really great crew, I might add.
This is Nigel, Chris, Peter, Kevin,

Mandy and Pam, and over here we have

Ben, Shorty...
No, that's not Shorty. That's Curly.

And there's Marianne.

- Did you get all that?
- Oh, yes.

And this...

this is our director Moses Crispiani.

- Hello.
- Why do we do it?

You tell me. Why do we do it?

- He's a cheerful soul, isn't he?
- Do we have a problem, Moses?

- We're waiting for the light.
- A religious conversion of some sort?

Moses, this is Lionel Hardcastle
and his wife, Jean.

- Lionel is the writer.
- How do you do?

Right. Great script.

Great script.

Why doesn't that cloud go away?

I would have thought with a name like Moses,
he could have fixed that.

- It's moving now.
- That's because Alistair's arrived.

Al's right. The cloud is moving.

OK, listen up, everybody.
The cloud is moving.

Stand by. Come on, let's go.

Some time today, Nigel.
Shorty, take both chairs.

Excitable lot, aren't they?

OK, everybody, let's go for it.

- Quiet!
- Which bit are they doing?

When Lionel's saying
goodbye to his father.

- The father comes through the door...
- Quiet!

Action!

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Why is he in hunting pink?

- Why the cut, Moses?
- Am I the only one with eyes around here?

There's something moving
in the window behind him.

I think Madge must be at home.

Stay cool. Stay cool. I'll sort it out.

- I told you, we could have sh*t this in LA!
- OK, I'll sort it out. Excuse me, ladies.

I thought that would stop them.

- You're being a damn nuisance.
- I sincerely hope so.

That's the spirit.

Give me a break.
Please. You're costing us money.

I do not give a fig.

- Rocky?
- There's no budging her.

She's anti-hunting, and that's it.

- But there is no hunting scene.
- Sorry, I'm simply not having it.

Put him in some other clothes
or I persist with my placard.

And I shall make one of my own.

I'll have a word with Moses.

What did you say, young man?

- What is it, Mrs Bale?
- Mr and Mrs Hardcastle Junior.

You don't have to announce them,
you silly old trout.

- Hello, you young people.
- Hello, dears.

- Lovely to see you both.
- We thought it was you.

- I say, you've got Mike in a bit of a tizz.
- He can tizz away to his heart's content.

- I didn't write you in hunting pink.
- No, no, that was Solomon's idea.

- Moses.
- That's it...

- That's the fellow.
- He's not in too good a mood either.

He's a sullen cove at the best of times.

I have to say, I feel responsible
for that crowd being here.

Oh, don't worry, it's rather fun, really.

I must say, Rocky's taken
rather a shine to those little make-up girls.

What about you, my girl? Giggling away
all the time with that best man.

- Are you sure you mean best man?
- He means best boy.

I've seen that on film credits.
What does he actually do?

I don't know exactly
but he's very personable.

I could've told them about the clouds
when I listened to the shipping forecast.

Why didn't you, Mrs Bale?

Because I've heard that Moses person
describe me as "domestic".

- Enough said.
- I hope these are suitably expl*sive.

They should be.
They're called Tahitian volcanoes.

I shall be serving a buffet luncheon
at 1:23.

Unless any of us intend
to sneak out to that charabanc.

- Did she say charabanc?
- Yes, it's a sort of bus, dear.

- Where all the film people eat.
- We have sneaked off there a few times.

- It's jolly good grub.
- OK, you win.

The hunting suit is out.

More important, the sun is out.
Come on, Jean, Lionel, let's go see a movie.

- I've just got comfortable.
- Oh, come on.

Oh, all right. Oh, Mike. I've been meaning
to ask, what exactly is your role in all this?

Co-executive deputy
supervising associate producer.

Well, you did ask.

So come on, straight. Are you
really finished with Alistair or not?

No comment.

It's not the press you're talking to, it's me.

I don't know, Sandy.

I do like him but it was like going out with
a jumping cr*cker. He's all over the place.

Yes, but, you know, when you're around,

he doesn't have eyes
for anybody else at all.

- Are you sure?
- Honestly.

- Well, perhaps if we...
- What?

Oh...

He wants to play doctors and nurses.

Hey, you two! Come and say hi
to Beverley Branch.

She's playing your mother, Judy.

OK, let's have quiet everywhere.

Hey, I said everywhere.

Action!

Move it, son.
England expects, and all that rot.

- What?
- Coming, Dad.

Oh, there we are.

Where did they come from? Cut! Cut!

What the hell are you people doing?

- A stroll before lunch.
- You're in the sh*t.

- Is there anything you'd like us to do?
- Yes.

Get the hell out of my sh*t.

Your manners, young man,
leave a great deal to be desired.

- I feel almost sorry for Moses.
- I don't.

- "And all that rot, what?"
- Tiny change, Li.

OK, we're going again. Quiet!

- Action!
- Move it, son.

England expects, and all that rot. What?

Did you say goodbye to Mama?

Sure. And the staff.

Poor old Nanny Lightfoot's
blubbing in the nursery.

Ah, jeez, that's sad.

Well, what time
is your train to London station?

- A quarter of 12.
- You best be hopping it, then.

It's a shame Jean couldn't stop by
to say cheer-ho.

I guess a nurse's job...
Just a blooming tick!

- Who's that?
- It's Jean.

Lionel!

- Jean!
- Lionel!

- Jean...
- Lionel...

Cut! That's right.

Terrific, I smell Emmy.

Doesn't it just tear at the heart strings?

I never wore a skirt like that.

It looks like something
out of a Carry On film.

I looked like something
out of a comic opera.

How are you supposed to have got down
to Hampshire? There wasn't even a car.

I ran all the way
from the Middlesex Hospital.

London station.

I mean, London station?

Minor alterations to the script, they said.

The only word I remember writing
in that scene is "Dad".

There's no chance
that it could be a joke?

- Every chance.
- No, a joke as in prank.

Does Moses strike you
as the sort of man who plays pranks?

- I'm just whistling in the wind.
- Hi, everybody.

You didn't like it, did you?

Well, any of it?

Yes, I liked the bit where Madge and Rocky
and Mrs Bale walked through the sh*t.

- "You're in sh*t!"
- "Is there anything you'd like us to do?"

"Yes, get the hell out of sh*t."

"Your manners leave a lot to be desired,
young man."

And all that going on with poor old
Nanny Lightfoot, who never even existed,

blubbing her eyes out in the nursery!

- Hey! You've lightened up.
- Yeah...

Well, we have to treat it as a joke
or I'll go out and sh**t myself.

I didn't know it had got so far away
from the original. Really, I didn't.

The script I've got
is only the fourth revision.

What revision are they working from now?

The 12th, actually.

I assume that you had a hand
in casting Beverley Branch?

I had nothing to do with that.
Really, I didn't.

- If you have to look like someone on film...
- Oh, true.

I can claim she looked
the spitting image of me as a girl.

Hey, what are all you guys
doing in here?

- Hiding, originally.
- Then we decided to have a laugh.

Oh, great. What about?

That travesty we've just watched out there.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I had no idea
those people were gonna cross sh*t.

Not them! The scene.

- Travesty?
- Farce.

- Mess.
- Twaddle.

Alistair?

I have to say this, Mike. I really, really hope
you know what you're doing.

- Trust me.
- That's what I kept telling Lionel.

- The only problem is that you're British.
- We don't find that a problem.

Let me finish. You have to remember
that this show is aimed at a US market.

- Say you were a potato farmer from Idaho.
- That's a stretch of the imagination.

But say you were. You'd have to have
a picture of England you could relate to.

- Peculiar people in Idaho.
- OK, Mary Poppins.

She doesn't fly in at the end of the film,
does she?

Lionel, please. Do you remember d*ck Van
d*ke's cockney accent in Mary Poppins?

- I'd sooner not, really.
- That's because you're British.

To that potato farmer in Idaho,
that was cockney.

- You know, that makes a lot of sense.
- Let's just hang on to that thought.

What I... Excuse me.

Sorry, I have to go.
Those people just crossed sh*t again.

Are you sure you're not coming out again?

They're doing the scene
where you come home from Korea.

Yes, there was talk of you losing an arm.

Really?

- You didn't bat an eyelid then.
- I don't think I have an eyelid left to bat.

Well, Sandy and I are going.
After all, it's not dull, is it?

We'll let you know about the arm.

- Ready, Madge?
- Oh, absolutely.

I know there was something
I wanted to tell you.

It's about you getting the house.

- You've changed your minds?
- Stuff and nonsense, of course not.

Madge and I will be
leaving in two weeks' time.

- Oh, I see.
- You can always change your minds.

Oh, no, we can't wait to go!

You won't mind if we take the pin table,
will you?

I don't think I'd use it a lot.

You said you were going to Lithuania.

No, we're putting that on hold for a bit.

We've actually found a travel agency
that does tours to Mongolia.

- We thought we might give that a cr*ck.
- Mongolia?

- Inner or Outer?
- Oh, both, hopefully.

Rock on.

Remember what I said, my boy,
don't feel you're obliged to move in.

Just use it as a retreat, if you like.

I mean, it's all very nice down here
but it can get a bit on the dull side.

- See you later.
- You won't walk through the sh*t again?

Only if the mood takes us.

- I wonder if I do lose an arm.
- You probably lose your whole body.

All that comes back from Korea
is your head.

- You'd carry me about in a cardboard box.
- Be careful not to leave you anywhere.

Do you think the Korean scenes
are going to be filmed in Korea?

I heard Wales mentioned.

Well, I hope
that potato farmer in Idaho likes it.

He's becoming crucially important,
that man.

- I'd thought you'd like some coffee.
- You're a treasure, Mrs Bale.

One does one's best.
But if I am to stay on as housekeeper,

there is something I think
you ought to know.

- What's that?
- I am over 40.

- Good gracious.
- I mean, if you'd prefer someone younger.

Don't be silly, of course we wouldn't,
would we?

No!

Anyway, we shall probably
only be down here at weekends.

- I just thought it should be said.
- Well, we appreciate it.

We'll probably only be down here
at weekends?

- I've been thinking.
- You don't want to retire, do you?

No.

I mean, it's lovely down here,
but what would we do with ourselves?

I don't know. Just take it easy, I suppose.

- Sit in our rocking chairs?
- I didn't mention rocking chairs.

What, then?

Well... we could stroll down to the village
sometimes.

Yes. Then we could stroll back.

Obviously.

Sometimes, when we've strolled
down to the village,

we could stroll round the village
before we stroll back.

All right, you've made your point.

No, but really, it's important.

Why?

Because I love you.

If you think you're going
to get round me that way, you are.

But it's just as well, isn't it?

- I suppose it is.
- You see...

I think that loving someone
is being your best for them.

I know I get fed up
with the office sometimes

and I know
I get ratty when I come home sometimes

but I never get bored.

I think if I got bored, then I'd get boring.

- What about you?
- Oh, not much of a problem.

I'm boring all the time.

- No, you're not.
- I'm not an Alistair sort of person, am I?

I couldn't deal with an Alistair.
I'd cr*ck up.

No, I meant by "What about you?",
what do you think?

I think you're right.

I think I'll just enjoy
as much as I can of you in London

and all of you down here at the weekends.

Oh, I like that bit.

- What about the girls?
- I don't want them here every weekend.

I mean, what about them
living with us in London?

Well, I've almost got used to it.

But don't tell them.
They'll think I've gone soft.

No, well, we wouldn't want that.

Where are you going?

Well, against my better judgement,

I do want to know if I come back from Korea
with two arms.

- Do you?
- I don't know.

They're just milling about.

It's all they seem to do most of the time.

Oh, I'm sorry they've ruined your story,
Lionel.

It's our story. And nobody can ruin it.

Of course, the first bit, when we were young,
and this bit, when we were...

well, slightly older...
they're rather good, really, aren't they?

No, they're very good.

Oh, look, somebody's waving at us.
Oh, it's Moses.

Hello.

I don't think it's that sort of wave.

- Can we be of any assistance?
- You're in sh*t!

You're in the sh*t!

Well, hard luck!

Oh, let's leave them to it.

I know somewhere we won't be in sh*t.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪