05x01 - The Country Set

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Why anyone should pack an anvil for
a weekend in the country, I don't know.

You've been muttering all morning.
What is it now?

- You can't wear all this stuff in two days.
- I thought I heard "anvil".

Or will you change every 20 minutes?

It's called planning ahead.

If we're using this house on weekends,
I'm packing a few things to keep there.

- Oh.
- So let's leave "anvil" out of things.

- We're ready to go now, are we?
- Just a few more bits and bobs.

The kitchen sink, presumably.

I heard that.

- Haven't you gone yet?
- No.

You said you were setting off first thing.

- I was in a mood of wild optimism.
- You are just going for the weekend?

- If we ever go at all.
- The backseat's full as well.

Just as well you bought a big car.

I'm going to trade it in
for a pantechnicon.

- Shall we stay out for a bit?
- My thoughts exactly.

Have you got a spanner?

- Why do you want a spanner?
- To unscrew the kitchen sink.

You're taking rather a lot, that's all.

- That's the lot.
- Good.

- Why are we taking food?
- To eat.

Mrs Bale said she'd get food in.

But when people say they'll get food in,

you never can be sure
what kind of food.

I hardly think she'll have packed
the fridge with rhinoceros steaks.

What if she'd forgotten
the custard tarts?

- Ah.
- Ah!

Can we get these into the car
and be on our way?

I was beginning to despair
of going altogether.

What's that?

It's a note for Judy and Sandy.

"Lock up. We can be reached..."

They know where we are.
"I've hidden the spare key..."

- You going to read all that?
- No, let's get going.

There are games in here.
This box is full of games.

- That's in case it rains.
- We don't want to...

Right. In case it rains.

I was expecting you earlier.

I know, Mrs Bale.
We were expecting us earlier.

- Shall I take that?
- It's fine, I've got it.

You brought food with you.

Just a few little extra special things.

- Eggs?
- Only six.

Why would you assume
that I'd forget eggs?

I didn't. I don't know
why I brought them.

You haven't got
any custard tarts in there?

Oh, no! No, no!

Pleased to hear it.

- I'll take that.
- No, leave that to me, it's very heavy.

Nonsense. My strength
is as the strength of ten

because my heart is pure.

Puny.

Eggs.

I've invented a new cocktail

to celebrate your becoming
the new master and mistress.

- That's very kind, Mrs Bale. Do sit down.
- No, thank you.

What's it called?

- I thought just Vroom.
- Oh.

Vroom! Well, cheers.

That hits the spot.

You sounded quite like your father then.

- Oh, how are they? Have you heard?
- They're still in Mongolia.

I received a postcard from
somewhere called Ulan Bator.

I assume they've been yak riding.

- Several times.
- Ooh!

I wonder what it's like riding a yak.

Yakky I should think.

Well now, I prepared a light lunch
with the food I got in.

It will be ready in 18 and a half minutes.

Would you like me to serve it in here
or in the garden?

I should think in here.
It's a bit chilly in the garden.

I suppose it might seem so
to city people.

Was that a rebuff?

A little dig, I think.

- What will the locals make of us?
- "Foreigners."

"Coming down here
with your fancy London ways."

I thought we'd stroll
to the village after lunch.

You're not intending to buy more food?

Just to look around.

Mmm, well, we could.

That wasn't said with total enthusiasm.

I'll be honest.

I found getting away
for the weekend a bit tiring.

If that's a dig at me...

It's not, and I'm sure we'll get it down
to a fine art with practice.

We'll probably be packed up and ready
to go in five or six hours, eventually.

If I had the energy, I'd get up and hit you.

- You're tired too?
- Yes, isn't it awful?

It's not awful at all.
That's what these weekends are for.

Rest and relaxation,
not tearing round villages.

I don't remember mentioning tearing.

What I thought would be nice
after lunch would be...

Well... a gentle sprawl about.

You mean a nap, don't you?

- Yeah, I suppose I do.
- Come on, we're not that tired.

Shh! Shh!

Coo-eee!

- What?
- Coo-eee!

- What's going on?
- Hello, old chap.

Alan and Glenys.

And Derek and Dorcas.

- How do you do?
- Oh, shut up.

Jean.

- Jean!
- Hmm.

I was just having a lovely dr...

Oh!

- This is Alan and...
- Glenys.

Glenys and Derek and Doreen.

- Dorcas.
- Dorcas.

Oh. How do you do?

If this is a bad time?

No, no, no. No, it isn't, is it, Lionel?

Erm, no. Although I don't exactly...

Not that it's ever
an "on the dot" arrangement.

I suppose one just falls
into a sort of pattern.

- Yes, I suppose one does.
- I know Dorcas and I have.

But I always say there's nothing wrong
with a pattern...

if it's a pattern that pleases.

Yes. That's true. Well, that's very true.

Please don't think this
an indelicate question,

but... you did know we were coming?

- Well...
- Of course we did.

We just forgot the time.

How lovely to meet you all.

Now I'll go and see
if Mrs Bale is, erm...

is laying something on.

Well, do sit down. Excuse me.

I'll go and see if Mrs Bale
is laying something on too.

Odd couple.

Who are those people?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Then why did you say
we were expecting them?

They were expecting us
to be expecting them.

- That's not our fault.
- We're new.

We can't let people
think we're inhospitable.

We can't make them feel they barged in.

But they did!

They could... They could be squatters
for all we know.

Oh, Lionel. Do they look like squatters?

No, I suppose not.

Mrs Bale, who are those people in there?

- Guests.
- We didn't invite any guests.

You didn't say not to.

- You invited them?
- I wouldn't presume!

- Who did invite them?
- Mr and Mrs Hardcastle, Senior.

- They're in Mongolia.
- It's a long-standing invitation.

The first Saturday of the month
has been open house for years.

- Nobody told us.
- I can't remember everything.

- He's your father.
- I'm painfully aware of that.

We can't just throw them out, can we?

- I have to say no, I suppose.
- Come on, it mightn't be so bad.

Might be jolly having a few people round.

Come on.

- I'm on my own in there.
- No, there are hundreds of them in there.

I didn't know half the county'd turn up.

- You're not helping, skulking out here.
- I'm not skulking.

- What are you doing, servicing the car?
- I suppose I'd better come in.

It's not easy dealing
with a lot of strangers.

They're not strangers to each other.

If they meet on the first Saturday
of every month, they wouldn't be.

It must cost Rocky and Madge a fortune.

Us from now on.

Next month we could say that we've got
measles and we're in quarantine.

What will we have the month after that,
swamp fever?

We can't have measles for the rest of
our lives. A nurse ought to know that.

I said the first thing
that came into my head.

We could say that you were unhinged.

Have you got any ideas?

We don't come here
the first Saturday in every month.

I have an awful feeling
they'd turn up regardless.

Well, come on.

- Better at least play hosts.
- So much for a quiet weekend.

Ah! There you are!

Come on, you two.
We're about to play m*rder.

Don't say it. Don't say it!

Well, at least they didn't stay to dinner.

It did cross my mind that we might be
expected to put them up for the night.

I expect Alan would have
organised a feast in the dorm.

- I hate organisers.
- If you're referring to my packing...

You know I'm not.
The main thing is, is they've gone.

Which gives us three weekends in a row
to ourselves.

Yes.

Why do you say yes like that?

Well...

Yes?

Well, Alan said that on the second
Saturday of every month

everybody went over to him and Glenys.

Oh, my God.

And on the third Saturday
of every month

everybody goes to Derek and Dorcas.

- The fourth weekend?
- To Tim and Jane's.

- I didn't even meet a Tim and Jane.
- He's in software, and she has a lisp.

She didn't lisp when I talked to her.

She didn't say anything
beginning with S.

As a matter of fact,
I don't think she did. She just said hello.

- You can't very well lisp hello, can you?
- Not really.

It's like a travelling circus.
You didn't say yes to any of this?

- Not in so many words.
- Which means you didn't say no.

- Not in so many words.
- For goodness' sake!

Before you get on your high horse,

if these people kindly
invite us to their homes,

we can't just turn them down flat.

Well, can we?

We've got sucked into the county set.

- At least there are Sundays.
- I wouldn't bank on those either.

This is more like it.

I said there were always Sundays.

Hmm.

- I almost went to church this morning.
- You didn't say anything.

No. I went back to sleep
while I was considering it.

About the county set...

Oh, don't spoil the day
talking about them.

- Let's have a drink before lunch.
- That's a much nicer idea.

Just a minute.
Those cars, I recognise them.

What as?

Half of them were parked
outside the house yesterday.

- They're all in there.
- You're getting paranoid.

You didn't take a note of
the numberplates?

I just know I recognise some of them.

I know that one
with the stupid cat on the window.

- Derek and Dorcas.
- They're enough to be getting on with.

Let's find another pub.

- Oh. Oh.
- Hey, old fellows. Well met.

How lovely. We forgot to tell you
the g*ng meet here Sunday lunch time.

Come in. Last one to the bar's a sissy.

Come along.

The g*ng.

We're in a g*ng now.

Dorcas wants me to join the WI.

Last week they had a talk on thimbles.

That's a good word
for a woman with a lisp to say.

A class of thimbles.

Yeth!

Next week we'll go to the pub
in the next village.

They probably got an affiliated g*ng.
Same people, different names.

Coo-eee!

Surprise!

Oh. Oh, hello.

I have to put up my hands
and say this is all my fault.

- I should have thought.
- It seemed like a fun idea at the time.

Well, it's not that you're not welcome.

Mum, we saw your faces.

They did not say,
"How lovely to see you."

We just haven't had
much time to ourselves.

We're in a g*ng, you see.

Did you say g*ng, Li?

Well, a crowd. Everybody seems to do
everything together down here.

Everything?

- Alistair.
- Sorry, Li.

There are isolated showers
in the Irish Sea.

Will the young people stay to lunch?

- No thank you, Mrs Bale.
- Absolutely not.

This was a flying viz.
We'll sh**t round some local hostelry.

- Two for lunch then.
- Of course they must. Lionel?

Provided nobody wants to play m*rder.

- Five for lunch then?
- Yes.

- Two, Mrs Bale.
- Two for lunch?

- Judy, you're making me feel awful.
- No, I feel awful.

- We shouldn't have crashed in like this.
- No we shouldn't. I feel awful as well.

Having established
that everyone feels awful,

may I have a decision about lunch?

Yes, five, Mrs Bale, and that's final.

- Thank you.
- Seven.

- Lionel, don't be difficult.
- I'm not being difficult.

I've just seen Penny
and Stephen arriving.

It's a lovely house, Jean. Lovely.

But isn't it rather large
for just two people?

Well, we don't know yet.

I couldn't live in a large house. I'd just
ramble around and keep losing myself.

Forever?

Obviously not forever
or I'd never be seen again, would I?

No, no.

You mustn't worry about
the house being too large.

- Aunt Penny, Mum is not worried.
- Of course she is.

But look on the bright side, you've got
plenty of room for houseguests

and Stephen and I can stay
for the whole weekend

whenever you want us to -
we're only an hour away.

As close as that?

- Jolly, isn't it? What's in here?
- The library.

- May I peep?
- Oh, of course.

The trouble with libraries
is all those books. Awful dust gatherers.

- Pow!
- Is that a cough, dear?

Of course, it could be damp.

- Ah, there you are.
- Yes, Stephen, here I am.

You mind if I...

No, of course not.

- Have a paper.
- No, thanks all the same.

I give myself a day off
from the newspapers on Sundays.

Do you?

- Don't mind if I have a read?
- Absolutely not.

Trying to give them up on Saturdays too.

- Really?
- Well, they're so depressing, aren't they?

Between you and me, I wouldn't mind
trying to give them up altogether.

Why don't you, then?

I suppose if I gave
them up on Saturdays,

I could try to work my way
back through the week.

Yes, you could do that.

Starting with Friday...

- Then Thursday...
- And so on.

- Quite. Then Wednesday.
- Stephen, I've got the gist.

Of course you have.
Then on to Tuesday.

Then Monday.

And Sunday would be all right
because I've cracked that already.

Jolly good.

I could, of course, do the whole thing
the other way round

and give them up
on Monday to start with.

- Then Tuesday...
- Look...

if you want to give up the newspapers,

why don't you just give
them all up at one fell swoop?

That's a bit draconian, isn't it?

- Are you all right?
- Yes, fine. I'm having a lovely weekend.

That's good. I suppose it will be
like this every weekend.

Guests all over the house.

Stephen, what do you know
about woodworm?

Nothing at all. Why?

Penny thinks we may have
woodworm in the library.

Oh, while you're at it, would you
like to check the cellar for rats?

I'm surprised you haven't done
that already.

- Must have slipped my mind.
- Don't know a lot about rats either.

- It's "Love you and leave you" time.
- Have a lovely rest of the day.

- You don't have to go yet.
- We don't want to outstay our welcome.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Judith.
Goodbye, Sandra.

Goodbye. Bye, Penny.
Bye, Stephen.

- Bye!
- Bye now.

- Bye!
- Bye.

- It looks as if the party's breaking up.
- Still, never mind.

- Oh, we don't have to go for ages.
- Only an hour away, you see?

Practically neighbours.

I've been chatting to Lionel
about giving up newspapers.

Oh, don't start that again, Stephen.
You've been on about it for six months.

Aren't you two going to sit down?

Oh, yes. Of course.

Oh, dear.

I know they lay eggs.

- Who do?
- Woodworm.

Oh.

Rats don't, of course.

- I didn't say you had rats.
- I know, I was just chipping in.

I know what I meant to say.

- I saw something in the kitchen, Jean.
- Cockroaches?

- Lionel! What was that, Penny?
- A box full of games.

Oh, yes. That's in case it rains.

I love Scrabble. Let's play Scrabble.

Yes, well, it doesn't have
to be raining of course.

- Your turn.
- Right.

F-U...

R-Z-E.

Furze, 34.

Excellent. Now I can
put my S on the end

and that makes furzes.

There's no such word.

Of course there is.
Furzes, plural of furze.

The plural of furze is furze.
Like gorse. You don't have gorses.

No, geese.

- That's not the same thing, Stephen.
- No, I suppose not.

- Am I allowed to have "furzes" or not?
- No.

- I insist on seeing a dictionary.
- We haven't got one.

You've got a library full of books.
You must have a dictionary. Jean?

I'm not going into the library
in case I get savaged by woodworm.

This is just a friendly.
Let furzes stay. Stephen, your turn.

Well, it's a bit tricky really.

I seem to have all the Qs and Ys.

Er... I couldn't make furzes furzesy,
I suppose?

No, not even in a friendly.
You must have something else.

Well, I have got a P but...

Oh, hang on. Wait a minute.

If I take the C from cottage,
and put down my P, I can have pottage.

- Stephen, you're not allowed to do that.
- Are you sure?

Next you'll be rushing down the board
and changing that P into a king!

I played somewhere
where you substituted letters.

- Where?
- I don't know, somewhere or other.

- My go.
- It wasn't with me. Who with?

- My go.
- I don't remember.

How many times have you been
round playing Scrabble...

My go! F-L-U-G, flug.

- Flug?
- Yes, it's Anglo-Saxon.

Put that C back on cottage, Stephen.

Sorry to interrupt, but I've been listening
to the shipping forecast.

- Is this relevant?
- Extremely relevant.

Hampshire will be shrouded
in thick fog within the hour.

- That's us.
- I know it's us, Stephen.

Mrs Bale, are you sure?
It's perfectly clear outside.

If our brave mariners respect
the shipping forecast, I think we should.

- You're quite right.
- Yes, look, Stephen, we must go.

Right-ho, yes.

I'm terribly sorry
we have to dash off like this.

We'll see you out.

I hate driving in fog. Seems
to send me into some sort of daze.

Does it? You'd better get cracking then.

Flug?

I'll let you know how I get on
with giving up newspapers.

- Do. I'll be fascinated to hear about that.
- It was lovely, Jean.

Next time we'll come
for the whole weekend.

How lovely.

- Bye-bye.
- Goodbye.

Goodbye.

- God bless the shipping forecast.
- Yes.

Sorry.

- Mrs Bale?
- Yes?

This dense fog which is going to
engulf the whole of Hampshire,

isn't it rather odd to hear that
on a shipping forecast?

Mrs Bale!

Well, I thought the situation
warranted a little white lie.

Bless you.

You claimed to have the strength of ten
because your heart was pure.

I've always found "pure"
to be a very comparative word.

What happens when Penny and Stephen
get home without seeing any fog at all?

- Oh, Penny will blame Stephen.
- She can't blame him for the weather.

Why not? She blamed him
for the Gulf w*r.

- Peace, perfect peace.
- Yes.

We'll have to make a move soon.

- Where?
- Home.

It's only five o'clock.

We've got to pack up,
then there's the traffic.

Sunday evenings,
people back from the country.

We don't want to get caught in the rush.

- It was hardly worth coming.
- Don't say that.

We've had about five minutes
to ourselves all weekend.

People coming and going.
We might as well have gone to Butlins.

We have to do something about it.

Like disconnect the phone
and bolt the doors?

I shall be serving an intimate supper
in front of the fire at 7:43.

Oh, that sounds lovely, Mrs Bale,

But we have to set off soon.

- Why?
- Yes, why?

I've got to go into the office tomorrow.

- Why?
- Yes, why?

Why does everyone
keep saying "Why?"?

Cos I'm not semi-retired. I just can't go in
when I feel like it. I mean...

It does sound lovely,
supper in front of the fire.

Just phone Judy and say
you'll be in sometime tomorrow.

- You know, I think I will.
- Excellent.

Then I shan't have to
hide your rotor arm.

- What's a rotor arm?
- Put it this way.

The car wouldn't start without one.

Oh, Mrs Bale has hidden depths.

- Father calls her the adjutant.
- Talking of Rocky...

I can't imagine they got dragged into this

"Everybody over to so-and-so's" thing.

No, nor can I really.

The open house thing here, all right,

but "Everybody over to so-and-so's"
just isn't their style.

- I wonder what excuse they used?
- They're not excuses people.

They'd just say,
"No thank you. We don't want to."

- They probably would at that.
- We should try it.

Might not make us popular
but at least it's honest.

If it stopped that crowd
trying to take over our lives

it'd be worth a try.

I mean thimbles.

Alan suggested I got a 4x4
and went off-roading with them.

Now, try it.

I don't want to go bumping over fields
in an armoured car.

No, try saying, "No thank you.
We don't want to."

- No thank you. We don't want to.
- That sounds very surly.

- You try it then.
- All right.

No thank you. We don't want to.

- That sounds rather whiny.
- Does it?

Somewhere in the middle then.

That will be one of them.

- Leave us alone!
- I'm not having it.

- We're having supper in front of the fire.
- No, let me try somewhere in the middle.

- But honest.
- Honest, of course.

- Hello? Oh, Alan.
- Oh, my God.

Supper tonight?
Oh, thank you, Alan.

- What?
- No, we can't.

- That's a shame. Why ever not?
- Why? Why?

Er... Well, it...

Would you believe it?
Lionel has just come down with measles.

Yes. Yes, I know. That's fine. Yes.

Yes, so goodbye.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪