05x03 - Lionel's New Hobby

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Right.

F3.

F... 3.

That's it. Good.

Damn and blast.

- What are you doing?
- I'm playing hide-and-seek.

You're building a ship!

Yes, but I've lost the end of my bowsprit.

- I didn't know you built ships.
- At this rate, I never shall.

Well...

what does a bowsprit look like?

Well, this is a tiny little black thing.

- I can't see it.
- You've only just started looking.

Is it an essential piece of the ship?

All right, all right. Where did you drop it?
Don't say on the floor.

Here, but it could've bounced anywhere.

Couldn't bounce back
on the table, could it?

- What are you doing?
- We're playing.

♪ Lionel's lost his bowsprit! ♪

- You're making a boat.
- A ship! I'm making a ship!

Come on, Sandy, you've got young eyes.

- What does a bowsprit look like?
- A spar.

- What does a spar look like?
- A piece of black plastic!

Ooh, I've found a paperclip!

- Oh, good.
- This floor's filthy.

Until we've found my bowsprit,
don't sweep it.

Is this it?

Yeah, that's it. Now, don't drop it.
Aha! Thanks, Sandy.

Right, so...

- F3 to G3. Now, where's G3?
- I can see daylight through this cr*ck.

It's just roughly glued at the moment,
so don't...

- It's come apart.
- I can see that.

- Sorry. Shall I squeeze it back together...
- Just leave it, please!

Perhaps you didn't use enough glue.

I'll peel the potatoes.

This isn't G3 at all, it's B7.

Don't glare at me. I didn't number them.

They're too small.
How can anybody read these?

- You could do with a magnifying glass.
- I don't have one.

Does model-making
always make you snappy?

- I've never tried it before.
- How long have you been at it?

Since just before lunch.
I can't believe it's that difficult.

It's simply a case of patience,
care and logic. I'm sure it is. So...

- Don't start again now.
- Why not?

I want to set the table for dinner.

- Oh.
- What?

Nothing.

Do you want the desk?
I'm only writing a letter.

No, carry on. Might do me good
to have a break anyway.

You're building a boat!

A ship, a ship!

Aw, hasn't it got dinky little sails?

- Yes.
- Aw, and look, pretty little flags!

Yes.

- I didn't know you made models.
- I don't.

- But what about...
- I don't make models, all right?!

Wish I'd never bought the damn thing.
Sorry, Judy, I'm a bit ratty.

Modelling's not supposed
to have that effect.

- You're bored.
- Yes, I'm bored.

Alistair says boredom
is just a word beginning with B.

That isn't the most profound thought
I've ever heard.

Profound thoughts
aren't Alistair's strong point.

- Can I tell you something?
- If you really want to.

Oh, don't look so guarded.
It's not some deep, dark secret.

- That's good.
- It's about Sandy.

- Are you sure you want to tell me this?
- Alistair fancies her.

Alistair fancies every woman he meets.

Up to a point, yes, but he also likes
Sandy. And Sandy likes him.

- You're not matchmaking, are you?
- No! N-Not exactly.

What then, exactly?

I just think they...
Well, I think they'll go well together.

It's not like making sandwiches,
you know.

- You said this the other week.
- I wondered what you thought.

- Well, I wouldn't push it if I were you.
- Why?

- Because I wouldn't.
- Hardly a well-reasoned argument.

- I just think life is complicated enough.
- Do you know something that I don't?

Apart from how to make
an expl*sive chilli con carne, no.

Then why are you being so hostile?
You like Sandy.

- Course I like Sandy.
- And Alistair.

Some of the time, yes.

So why not push them
in each other's direction?

How would you like it
if someone did it to you?

- Who?
- I don't know. Does it matter?

Of course.
What if it was someone I didn't like?

Somebody you didn't like
wouldn't be interested in your love life.

They might. My not liking somebody
doesn't mean they couldn't like me.

No. If you don't like somebody,
they're hardly likely to like you, are they?

- Aren't they?
- No.

- What was your original question?
- I asked you if...

I don't remember.

- I think I'll go and help with supper.
- Probably best.

We should have another chat soon.

Yes.

Let's leave it for a week or two, though.

Oh, I do wish you'd put that down.

It probably meant
very clever ten-year-olds.

It's a faint hope, but I'll cling onto it.

- Why did you buy it in the first place?
- Because...

- I went to the library yesterday.
- And saw something about modelling?

No. Because going to the library
was all I did yesterday.

- Didn't do anything the day before that.
- You're bored.

I see you off to work in the mornings,
I wash up the breakfast things,

then wait for the next memorable event -
you coming home.

You sound like a woman
in a dressing gown.

Next thing you know,
I shan't bother to put any make-up on.

When you were writing,
you grumbled all the time.

Not all. At least that wasn't dull, you see.

- Write something else.
- What?

I don't know. Guide to model-makers.

For under-tens?

- What about that lecture tour you did?
- I haven't been asked back.

After My Life In Kenya,
you can't blame them.

- Lecture about something else.
- Model-making?

Sex is popular.

I know it is, but I can't really see me
lecturing on it, can you?

Not honestly, no.

I don't like you being bored.

I'm not at the weekends. They're fine.
I've got you at the weekends.

Awww. Awww! Awww.

Oh, you crafty swine!

What? Why?

I know what you're angling for.
You want me to give up work.

- Did I mention it?
- Not in so many words, but you do!

All right, I do, but I'm not asking you to.

I should've seen through
that pathetic ship!

You did.
You said the hull has a cr*ck in it.

- It's like holding up a stray kitten.
- What is?

That model. It was intended
to make me go all gooey!

You mean, if I find a stray kitten,
you'll quit work?

No. You know I don't mean that.

I didn't buy the model for that reason.
I just thought it might fill in a bit of time.

- Well, it did. You've been at it all day.
- Not what you'd call quality time.

I still think you should write something.

Yes, maybe.

- I don't mean this minute!
- No, no.

I want to have another cr*ck at the ship.

I'd like to go to sleep knowing that
at least I've glued two pieces together.

- Come and give me a hand if you want.
- Oh, it's very, very tempting.

I think I'll stay here.

Can you honestly
see Lionel being a lollipop man?

No, not when I really think about it.
That was a silly idea.

- A lot of retired men take up golf.
- He's not retired. And neither am I.

- We know you're not.
- What about flying?

- Flying?
- Yes.

Flying?!

I think that's a good idea.

- I don't!
- He'd have a plane.

I couldn't relax knowing
he was thousands of miles up in the air.

- Gliders don't go that high.
- Gliders don't even have engines!

I don't want him doing
something dangerous.

Tap-dancing's safe.

- Origami?
- That's a martial art, isn't it?

- It's the ancient art of paper folding.
- Well, that's safe.

He could fold himself to death.

- I've seen some really nasty paper cuts!
- Now we're just being silly.

You only gave us this problem
half an hour ago.

- It's a bit early to be inventive.
- We must think of something.

We're not the brains trust,
but we're not idiots.

What's the brains trust?

A game we played with Sir Francis Drake
when he wasn't bowling.

He doesn't seem to have got very far.

- Is that right?
- Oh, dear.

Why didn't somebody wake me?

- Nobody woke me.
- You didn't get back to bed till three.

Well, I got stuck into this. I pushed on
quite a bit, as a matter of fact.

- You could have breakfast first.
- No, I want to put a couple of g*ns in.

- This isn't becoming an obsession?
- Just a challenge.

Oh, I nearly forgot.

I found something for you.

Little present.

- Thank you.
- You don't like it, do you?

- Of course he does.
- Of course I do.

But I associate magnifying glasses
with failing faculties, that's all.

- Sherlock Holmes used one. Bye, Lionel.
- Bye.

Good luck with the g*ns.

Don't forget your breakfast.

- Bye.
- Bye.

I'd love to help, Judy,
but I don't see how I can.

- That's not like you.
- No, it's not, is it?

I could always...
swing a membership for Li here.

I can't think of a single thing
that would attract Lionel to a health club.

- Not a single thing?
- He's married to my mother.

Hmm? Sorry.

Mum's got the best idea. She thinks
Lionel should write something.

- The lovely lady has a point.
- Well, you're a publisher.

I can't publish
something he hasn't written.

- What about the miniseries?
- If it takes off in the United States,

Li could become the cheese
everyone wants to nibble.

- Remember that potato farmer in Idaho?
- I've never even been to Idaho.

No, I mentioned this guy
as representing Middle America.

What if Middle America
doesn't like the series?

We'll cross that bridge when we've got
the planks. I'll think up something for Li.

Have I ever let you down?

- Yes.
- When?

When I was under the impression
we were going out

and you were under the impression

that you could pull every woman in sight
when I wasn't around.

The main thing is we're still mates.
And Sandy, she's a mate, too.

I'm not sure...
that Sandy sees it quite that way.

Oh?

Just a feeling.

Hey, hey.

One of these days you'll have to accept
you can't have every sweetie in the shop.

You're right. I know you're right.

Sandy.

Um... I could cry off this evening,

leave you a clear field.

You'd do that for me?

I wish you could find something
for Lionel to do.

- Judy, is this bribery?
- Call it incentive.

- Are you ready for this, Li?
- Not going to be a glove puppet, is it?

It's a book.

Thunder And The Moon. Is that a title?

As it's printed on the cover,
I think it must be.

And wait for this,
it's written by llie Dramitrescu.

- Good Lord.
- You're not familiar with his work?

He's a major Romanian artist.

Now, I've just snatched up the rights
to this, and wait for it again,

I want you to adapt it.

- Into what?
- TV series, a play, a film, who's to say?

I see.

Why should you suddenly turn up
with a book you want me to adapt?

Why does the sun come up every day?

It's got something to do with
the rotation of the Earth.

Let me read you the first sentence.

- In Romanian?
- It's been translated.

Now, listen to this.

"I am alone...

"with my sheep."

Is that it?

Now let me read you
the second sentence.

"But my sheep...

"are not alone with me."

Is that deep or is that deep?

You're not supposed
to start a sentence with "but".

Don't be flip.
This is a very serious piece of work.

- About sheep?
- It's not just about sheep.

- What is it about?
- Where do I begin?

- You haven't read it, have you?
- It's about life!

- You haven't read it.
- Not all of it.

One of the best people on my team has,
that's why I snapped up the rights.

- Why should you bring it to me?
- Why?

- Yes, why?
- Because it is my profound belief

that the subject matter of this book
is tailor-made to your special talent.

- You don't know what it's about.
- I've been advised.

- You've been got at.
- Pardon?

It's all too good to be true.

I happen to mention that
I'm at a bit of a loose end

and then you turn up asking me
to adapt a book about sheep.

- It's not about sheep.
- Whatever.

Doesn't this chain of events strike you
as being just slightly fortuitous?

Why not look on it as serendipity?

Because it isn't and you know it.

Look, um, I really have to be going.

I'm having lunch with a mercenary
who's twice been declared dead.

I hope he makes it through lunch.

Please, read the book,
see what you think and let me know.

- You were put up to this.
- In this business, I'm known as Mr Truth.

Well, somebody obviously thinks
I'm Mr Silly.

Just read the book, Li. I'll see myself out.

Fine, Alistair.

"I am alone with my sheep.

"But my sheep are not alone with me."

For the last time, I don't know
what you're talking about.

This. Thunder And The Moon
by llya something-escu.

Alistair wants you to adapt a book.
That's good, isn't it?

- That's what I'd expect you to say.
- I apologise for being predictable.

- Alistair turning up out of the blue...
- Alistair always does.

Not with books about sheep.

How you can say that sentence
with triumph in your voice, I don't know.

How you can play the innocent,
I don't know!

Stop following me
and ask me what you want to ask.

All right. This is your doing.

You saw Alistair and, hey presto,
he turns up with this.

Something to keep
Lionel happy, right? Right?

If you'll stop behaving
like a member of the KGB

and stop interrogating me,
I'll give you an answer.

- I never went to see Alistair.
- Yes, you did.

- No, I didn't.
- You did.

- Stop treating me like a fool.
- Stop behaving like one.

I don't like being given lollipops.

I wouldn't give you a lollipop
if you begged for one!

- I've never begged for a lollipop!
- Why are we talking about lollipops?

- This! This!
- That's a book, not a lollipop.

She's right, Lionel, that is a book.

Which your mother persuaded Alistair
to give me as some sort of palliative.

- For the last time, I did not.
- I did.

- What?
- At least, I suppose I did.

I had coffee with Alistair and I happened
to mention that you were a bit bored.

- He obviously came up with something.
- I see.

- Don't be angry. It was well-intentioned.
- I'm sure it was.

Nice. When you thought it was me,
It was tantamount to high treason.

- You wouldn't own up.
- There was nothing to own up to.

Oh, no. Sorry.

If you hadn't blamed Mum, I'd have lied
and said I knew nothing about it.

I don't feel comfortable telling lies.

Judy?

Oh, I'm not well, all right?

Well, come on, you should be getting
changed. Alistair will be here soon.

Actually, Sandy, I don't think
I'm up to this. I feel a bit rough.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- You go, though.

No, we'll make it another night.

There's no need not to go.
I'll feel bad if you don't.

- Well, I don't know...
- Oh, go on, please go.

Oh, all right, then.
I suppose there's no harm in t.

- You both look a bit strange.
- It's all this youth.

Oh. Right.

- We don't have to know why.
- I already told you.

Sandy and Alistair will go well together
so I'm giving them a nudge.

Good to know
you don't feel comfortable telling lies.

- This was just a harmless little fib.
- Fine, whatever you say.

- Why's he smiling?
- He's trying to look knowing.

- Why should he try and look knowing?
- Cos he hasn't a clue what's going on.

20 minutes, Judy said.
And there she was, on the dot.

20 minutes, Judy said.
And there she was, on the dot.

- A shoulder to cry on when I needed it.
- Right.

I'd never have asked Jean and Lionel
if I could move in, if not for Judy.

Right.

She's just got such a lovely nature.
Not an ounce of malice in her.

- Right.
- Thanks.

I mean, let's be honest, most of us have.

But I don't think I've ever seen Judy
do anything out of meanness.

Right.

You know, how anyone could ever have
divorced Judy beats me, it really does.

Right.

And, of course, she's so pretty, too,
but not in the least bit vain about it.

- I sometimes think...
- Sandy.

- Yes?
- Not to lean on it,

but you've talked about Judy all evening.

Have I? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Not that she isn't great, but there are
other types of conversation.

Yes, of course.
What do you want to talk about?

Hey, hey!

Alistair! What are you doing?

What comes naturally, naturally.

You ratbag!

- What did I do? What did I do?
- Judy's not here.

I wouldn't be getting cosy if she was.

All the times the three of us
have been out, I've been just a mate.

Now Judy's ill, you're all over me!

- I'm only a guy, Sandy.
- You're an opportunist.

- But Judy said that...
- Judy said what?

W-Well, it's kind of difficult to say
without sounding immodest.

It's not usually a problem.
What did Judy say?

Well, she kind of hinted that...

She said that I might not be completely
unattractive as far as you're concerned.

You might answer that.

You knew she wouldn't
be coming this evening.

You weren't in the least bit surprised
when I told you.

- Does it matter?
- Yes, it does.

- What does she think she's playing at?
- Matchmaking.

But that's what I've been doing.

You mean, you... and she's...

It looks like it.

So that means that you don't...

Quite honestly, Alistair, no.

It also means that she doesn't...

Yep, it looks that way.

No wonder I've felt like a ping-pong ball
when we've been out together.

Talk about crossed wires.

Still, I suppose it has its funny side,
hasn't it?

Um... no.

Oh, Alistair, I'm sorry. I really do like you.

I hate it when women say that to me.

Oh.

I don't suppose we could try and...
upgrade the "like"?

Good night, Alistair.

It's all right, I'll see myself out.

Hello, darling.

It's me. Alistair.

- Alistair?
- Alistair Deacon.

D-E...

Yes! Long time, no see.

No, Lionel.

No!

What?

You shouted out.
You must have had a nightmare.

Oh, yes, I did.

Oh! Oh, it was terrible!

I dreamt you were flying.

- As in Peter Pan?
- No.

You were in a biplane

and one of the wings fell off.

- I hope that's not symbolic.
- You won't take flying lessons, will you?

Well, to be truthful,
the thought hasn't occurred to me.

Oh, thank goodness.

I assume flying lessons came up as
a "what'll we do with Lionel" suggestion.

Yes, just before tap-dancing.

Even less likely. You won't have
nightmares about me tap-dancing?

No, I'll try not to.

- Why don't you go back to sleep?
- No, I'm wide awake.

You're really into that, aren't you?

Against my better judgment, yes, I am.

- Did the brother go mad?
- Ion?

Yes, completely crackers.
He's in an asylum now.

Poor chap.

- You said his wife was a bit funny, too.
- She's got worse.

She's barricaded herself in a cave and
has threatened to starve herself to death

- unless they release her brother.
- I thought lon was her husband.

- This isn't lon, it's her brother Michael.
- Is he in an asylum, as well?

No, he's in prison for setting fire
to someone's barn.

- I think I'll stick to The Archers.
- Yes.

It's not the most cheerful read
in the world.

The only one who ever seems to smile
is Georgi, the shepherd.

Oh, well, that's something.

Except his sheep have started behaving
oddly so I don't expect that'll last long.

You did say Alistair regards this
as a serious book.

- He wasn't wrong. It's extremely serious.
- What'll you do with it?

- I'll finish reading it.
- Morbid satisfaction?

Yes, just to see
if anyone's alive or sane at the end.

Then I'll give it back to Alistair
and say thanks, but no thanks.

I don't know any Romanians.

- Does that leave a gap in your life?
- No, not a big one. I've been thinking.

Acquiring the rights to a book like this
isn't Alistair's style.

- He didn't acquire the rights.
- What?

I phoned his company.
I spoke to somebody called Jacintha.

It was Alistair's father
who bought the rights in 1932.

- It's not exactly hot off the press.
- Not really.

- Well, he meant well.
- Oh, everybody meant well.

- Are you being sarcastic?
- No. Grateful, actually.

I got to thinking about that chap
I see at the library.

He's always there in the reference room.
Not that old, but nothing else to do.

- Oh, let's ask him round to tea.
- No!

My point is this.
The librarian told me he's all on his own.

So... who tries to help him
when he feels down?

- We could ask him to tea.
- I shouldn't have told you that story!

I just want to say that I'm very grateful,
that's all.

Oh, that's nice. Not that we came up
with anything very original.

Flying and tap-dancing
and a book about a peculiar shepherd.

I wouldn't call my model ship
original either.

- Oh, but you will finish it?
- No, it's impossible.

- I think the instructions are wrong.
- Oh.

And there are several pieces missing.

Come in.

We thought you'd like to know that we've
had a chat about the Alistair situation.

- I'm glad you've got together over it.
- We've decided that it's off.

- Or on.
- Yes, or on, depending.

Wise choice.
You're confused, aren't you?

I'm staying completely out of it.

Oh, and whilst we were chatting,
we finished off your ship.

You don't mind, do you?

No.

To be honest, I'd lost interest anyway.

- Isn't it sweet?
- Dinky.

- Night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night, Sandy.

I thought you said
the instructions were wrong.

- Confusing, I said.
- Where are the missing bits?

- Where are the missing bits?
- I'll find them, I'll find them...

I think... there.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪