05x04 - Avoiding the Country Set

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Don't switch on the light.
You'll wake the girls.

All right, but don't turn that...

- I can't see a thing now!
- Feel for the top stair with your foot.

- You feel for it.
- You're in the way!

All right, but don't push me,
for goodness' sake.

Oh, Lionel!

- I'm all right. That was the case.
- You've woken Judy.

That could've been me
with both legs broken!

- What was that thump?
- Lionel threw a case down the stairs.

You're dressed. Where are you going?

- We're eloping.
- What's going on?

We're going to the country.
We're leaving early to avoid the rush.

It's three o'clock in the morning.

Then we'll avoid the rush.
No need for you to get up.

- Mum, we didn't get up.
- Sorry about that.

- We'll be on our way.
- Just a minute.

I don't believe this "avoiding the rush"
business for a moment.

- You didn't mention it last night.
- We decided it after we'd gone to bed.

Well, I agree with Judy. I cannot believe
that all the roads to Hampshire...

We're going early
to avoid that crowd down there.

They're like limpets when they fasten
onto you. "Let's do this, let's do that."

If we arrive without them seeing us,
they won't think we're there.

There's a flaw in this. I'm too tired
to think of it. I'm going back to bed.

- I think I see that flaw.
- Oh, yes, what's that?

It's all very well sneaking into the house
under the cover of darkness,

but once it's light,
you won't be able to go out again.

Go to bed!

Don't wave the torch about.
It looks like a searchlight.

I'm not, I'm trying to see where we are.

Well, where are we?

On the wrong road.

- How did you manage that?
- I listened to you.

- You were navigating.
- Everywhere looks different at night.

Let's have a look at the map.

- No, no, no, don't use that!
- What are you so worried about?

What would you do if you looked out and
saw a car and someone flashing a torch?

I wouldn't be looking out at 4am.

Use your imagination. What if you were?

- I'd go back to bed.
- Most people wouldn't.

They'd want to know who was in the car,
which is the object of the exercise.

This is like a film
about the French Resistance.

- If it is, you've turned into a collaborator.
- Why?

You agreed it was a good idea.
"Anything to get away from that crowd."

That was before Sandy
saw the flaw in the plan.

We can sneak in,
but what do we do in the daylight?

- Creep about below window height?
- Of course not.

I suppose we'll be in disguise!

Let's get to where we were going.
We'll deal with problems as they arise.

You missed the turn-off
at the last roundabout.

- Did we? Then we'll have to go back.
- That's right, I'll do a 10-point turn.

Not so loud.

- Would you prefer to get out and push?
- Just drive quietly.

Well, Jean-Pierre, we've made it.

Yes.

That was a little joke
about the French Resistance.

Yes.

I didn't expect laughter
but I thought you might manage a smile.

I forgot the door key.

Mrs Bale will let us in.
She's expecting us.

- Good. You phoned her?
- No, you did.

Yes, but that wasn't to say
we'd arrive at four in the morning.

Well, you know Mrs Bale.
She'll probably be up anyway.

Does it look as though anyone's up?

State your intentions immediately
or I shall open fire.

This is your last warning.

State your intentions immediately,
or I shall...

- It's us!
- Who is "us"?

- Us!
- Is that you, Mrs Hardcastle?

Yes, we arrived a little early.

We'd feel better if you put the g*n down.

You don't have to worry, it isn't loa...

Good gracious, I am sorry.
How did that happen?

Just let us in, would you, Mrs Bale?

Of course. I'll be with you in a twinkling.

Hope that hasn't
woken up all our neighbours.

Nobody's going to take any notice of
a shotgun going off in the country.

Hearing the sh*ts, I was out of bed and
into the 4x4 before you could say vandal.

- Why vandal?
- They're a fact of life.

That's what Dorcas said to me.
Practically kicked me out of bed.

It was kind of you to turn up
but there's no need.

We weren't to know. You could've been
fighting off a g*ng of drug-crazed yobs.

It was only two sh*ts.

You might only have got off two sh*ts
before they stormed the place.

You make it sound like a b*ttlefield
down here.

- It is. Tell them about the m*ssile, Alan.
- m*ssile?

Yeah, some lout lobbed an empty
beer can over our hedge the other day.

If Glenys and I hadn't been in bed,
we'd be talking fractured skull.

From an empty beer can?

It's possible.
They're an element, you see.

- Who are?
- The element down here.

Take our advice. Keep your eyes peeled.

May I? That's probably for me.

Help yourself.

Red One. Oh, hello, Charles.

No, false alarm. Everything's in order.
Tell the chaps they can stand down.

Thanks all the same. Red One out.

- That was Charles.
- Not... er?

- Charles Wiggins. You've met him.
- Oh, oh.

Big chap with an Airedale.
Tactical Reserve, you might say.

- The Airedale?
- No, not the Airedale, Charles.

- Forgive Jean. We're both a bit tired.
- Yes. I get confused when I'm tired.

- Thanks very much, but luckily...
- I thought a hot drink might be in order.

- How very thoughtful, Mrs Bale.
- Excellent.

I can only apologise
for disturbing everybody.

- Not a bit of it. Keeps us on our toes.
- Nobody's blaming you.

I should think not. If you'd told me you
were arriving at such a peculiar hour,

none of this would've happened.

That's us put in our place.

It is a thought. Why did you arrive
at such a peculiar hour?

Ah, yes.
Well, that must strike you as rather odd.

- Yes, it does.
- Yes, it would.

So... why did you?

You tell them, Lionel.

Well, the fact is...
we did intend to set off early

but I set the alarm clock wrongly
and it went off at three.

Couldn't you have switched it off
and gone back to sleep?

I could have, but once Jean's awake,
that's it, she's awake.

Yes, wide. So we got up and here we are.

Well, that's the main thing.
All the g*ng will be delighted.

- We haven't seen you for some time.
- Well, things crop up. All sorts of things.

- Lionel's been getting over the measles.
- Right.

You told us about that last time.
How was it?

The measles? Oh, spotty, you know.

Couldn't have timed it better. Dorcas
and I are barbecuing this afternoon.

- Really?
- We are a bit tired.

Then tomorrow we're all meeting up
at the old watering hole.

- We have to go to church.
- We'll meet you there.

Then later in the afternoon,
old Charles is arranging a treasure hunt.

You'll come to that, of course.

- Well...
- Of course!

Never let it be said that the g*ng
lets you get bored.

Wonderful flight, you know.

You do like the hats, don't you?

- Oh, yes.
- Of course we do.

Well, try them on, then.

Oh, don't they look sweet, Rocky?

Terrific! We got a job lot of them in
Mongolia from a trader called Chitchat.

- He means lkchat.
- That's the fella.

I'm sorry,
we don't have any yak's milk for the tea.

We didn't honestly expect you to, dear.

It's ghastly to start with
but one does get a taste for it.

We'll look out for it in Sainsbury's.

Sorry we got you up, but we thought
we'd drop in on you from Heathrow

- and say hello to everyone.
- It's lovely to see you.

Sorry you missed Mum and Lionel.

Lionel's never been an early bird.
Jean must've got him gingered up.

- Yes! What time did they leave?
- Three o'clock.

This morning?! Well, that's excessive.

We did get up before dawn
in the Gobi Desert

but that was only to get a few miles in
on the camels before the sun got hot.

- You rode camels?
- Rather!

Not the most comfortable of beasts
but endearing in their own way.

Mm, and for some reason
best known to the Mongolians,

mine was called Cyril.

If Jean and Lionel had been going
down to Hampshire by camel,

I could've understood them
getting up so early!

The truth is, they're trying to sneak in
under cover of darkness.

There's this crowd, you see.
They seem to take things over.

- That'll be the Squids.
- Sound like it.

- Did you say the Squids?
- Yes, tentacles everywhere.

I can't believe they get you two
on their merry-go-round.

- Strangely enough, they never try.
- I think we're too lively for them.

The trouble is Mum and Lionel can't
find a way to say "leave us alone".

Madge, I think we'd better
get down there.

- A sort of mercy dash?
- Exactly.

I don't want to impose, dears.

Could we scrounge a little something
to eat before we set off?

- Of course. What do you want? Toast?
- Well...

- Cereal?
- We had thought of eggs and bacon.

Oh... right.

You haven't any black pudding,
I suppose?

No, I'm afraid we haven't.

- Just a few mushrooms.
- Sausages wouldn't go amiss.

- Fried bread?
- Just the job!

- Baked beans?
- Now you're getting the hang of it.

- Good morning again.
- Good morning again.

- You didn't sleep long.
- No, my body clock's out of sync.

According to me, it's late afternoon,
not 10:30. Coffee?

No, no, don't worry. I'll get it myself.
Where's Mrs Bale?

She went shopping
on a motorbike and sidecar.

Ideal for French bread, I suppose.

- What is?
- A sidecar.

Looking forward to the barbecue?

Derek will wear a chef's hat
and a silly apron.

- Inevitably.
- What do they see in us, I'd like to know.

- Novelty value, I suppose.
- Let's hope it wears off very quickly.

We wouldn't have to go if you'd said no.

I was too busy listening to you saying,
"We'd love to come."

- I didn't say it like that.
- Well, you said those words.

It's not having a really valid reason
for saying no that's the problem.

Mm. I don't think we can rely on diseases
as an excuse.

I had thought of telling them
that we were nudists.

- Nudists?!
- Wouldn't have worked anyway.

If you invited a nudist to a barbecue,
he wouldn't come in the nude.

Not with sausages spitting fat
all over the place, no.

I never believed all that volleyball
that they played in that film.

- When did you see a nudist film?
- When I was young.

You took me, as a matter of fact.

- Did I? A bit daring, wasn't it?
- Oh, highly.

When we got back to the nurses' home,
we didn't look each other in the eye!

- We're avoiding the subject.
- Not so as you'd notice.

The trouble is we're too honest.

If we were, we'd tell them
what to do with their barbecue.

- Perhaps honest isn't the right word.
- I'm sure it isn't.

Well, naive, then. After David d*ed,
I wasn't showered with invitations.

Widows aren't.
So when they did come along, I said yes.

I hadn't learned the social skill
to saying no.

I expect the same applied to you
after your divorce.

- I never got any invitations.
- You must have got some!

Well... a few, I suppose.

- And what did you say?
- Yes.

You see? We're not socially adept.

Well reasoned, but where does it get us?

I thought it'd make us feel better.

In the army, this would be called
lack of moral fibre.

Would we be sh*t?

- No, but we'd be cut dead in the mess.
- I wish the g*ng would cut us dead.

Mr Hardcastle, I need your assistance.

- Can't you get your crash helmet off?
- This is no time for flippancy.

- Lol Ferris has had an accident.
- Who's Lol Ferris?

Your gardener. He comes in the week.

I wondered why everything looked tidy.
Where is he?

Outside. I managed to get him
into the sidecar but he's rather stout.

Getting him out is proving difficult.

- We should call an ambulance.
- No, Lol doesn't believe in ambulances.

- They do exist.
- You were a nurse.

- In the Dark Ages.
- I think we should render assistance.

- Yes.
- Should I bring anything?

By the sound of things, a crane.

Mother?

I'm not your mother, Lol.

Nothing appears to be broken,
but I think we should call an ambulance.

- No, no, no. I don't believe in them.
- I told you.

- Lol?
- Yes?

If we helped you,
do you think you could stand?

Ooh aar, I think I can.

- Thank goodness for that.
- Lionel.

Help. Help.

Your wife is examining a man.
Shouldn't you be present?

It's not a complete examination.
I'm making him tea.

- I should be doing that.
- You do it, then.

I can't. I have to telephone Lol's mother.

A few hours' peace and quiet
is all I came down for.

- What are you muttering about?
- Oh, just life. How is he?

Nothing serious. A few cuts and bruises.

That's good. What happened?

He says he fell over.

Oh... right.

- It isn't "oh, right" at all.
- I thought it wouldn't be. Why?

Nobody falls over and just hits their face.

If the fall was that heavy,
he'd have bruised his hands and knees.

- If you ask me, he's been in a fight.
- Oh, right.

- You're saying it again.
- There isn't much more to say.

- Meaning it's none of our business?
- We're not CID. We don't know him.

He is our gardener,
even though we haven't met him.

- I think you ought to talk to him.
- Thought you might.

I don't like to think of somebody
being tubby and bruised.

If only he'd been thin.

- You'll do the tea, will you?
- Yes. Oh, don't bully him, Lionel.

Hello, Lol. How are you feeling?

Lol knew you.

Yes. You're Lol and I'm Lionel.

- Old Lol.
- Pardon?

My dad, Old Lol, knew you when
you were a kiddie. He gardened here.

Oh, yes!

Yes, I remember him.
He had a beard, didn't he?

- No.
- You sure?

- Your dad's got a beard.
- Yes, he has.

- He played the penny whistle.
- I never heard him.

- Not my dad, your dad.
- Mouth organ.

That's it. I do remember him, really.
How is he?

- Passed on.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, anyway, the thing is, Lol...
How are you?

She's a tender woman, your wife.

Yes. This business of falling over.

- Silly thing.
- Not silly, unbelievable.

- He did learn the guitar.
- What, after the mouth organ?

- No, not my dad, your dad.
- Oh, yes!

Here you are, Lol. It's hot and sweet
and it will do you good, so drink up.

You're tender.

- What did you find out?
- Not a lot.

We got lost between
whose father played which instrument.

Look here, Lol, I don't believe
this business about you falling over.

- I fell over.
- So that only your head hit the ground?

I bounced.

On my belly.

- Lionel...
- Possible, I suppose.

Of course it isn't. Look, Lol,
you've been in a fight, haven't you?

No, no, no. I don't fight.
I'm not built for fighting.

Your dad and my dad fought.
Put on gloves, sparred in the garden.

- Did they?
- At it hammer and tongs, they'd go!

- You must've seen 'em.
- You sure your dad didn't have a beard?

Positive. Yours has.

- I know that, but...
- Stop chuntering on about beards!

I don't believe you're telling us the truth
about what happened.

I fell over.

You take it easy now, Lol.

Arr, yeah.
I'll put the beans in Tuesday, all right?

- His brothers are big.
- Mrs Bale says there are three more.

- The Magnificent Seven.
- Certainly not the seven dwarfs.

Did you see Mrs Bale whispering to Lol?

- When?
- When they loaded him onto the trailer.

No. What did she whisper?

- Silly question.
- Lol whispered back.

- No point my asking what he whispered.
- The fact is they whispered something.

Obviously.
Why should you find it so significant?

Because Mrs Bale looked startled.

Perhaps he made her
an improper suggestion! Sorry.

You're not taking this seriously.

You thought that this falling business
was suspicious.

- Oh, I see! Mrs Bale!
- What are you gonna do?

- Grill her.
- Yes, Mrs Hardcastle?

Lionel wants to ask you something.

Right.

Mrs Bale, I noticed that you and Lol
were whispering.

- Did you?
- Yes.

Very observant of you.

- Nothing wrong with having a whisper.
- I'm glad you think so.

One would respect the privacy
of the whisperer.

- And the whisperee.
- Naturally.

Quite.

- Will that be all?
- What were you whispering about?

I have the right to remain silent.

- This isn't a senate inquiry.
- And if something nasty is going on...

Well, actually there is. Lol was att*cked.

- Why on earth didn't he tell us?
- Well, you're not local, are you?

- It's like the code of silence in Sicily.
- The point is, who att*cked him?

He doesn't know.
They came from behind, apparently.

Perhaps Alan and Derek are right.
Perhaps there is an element down here.

There's one coming up the drive now.

What a terrible thing to have happened.
Poor Little Lol.

- Little?
- Well, he is the youngest.

I think of him as Little Lol.

No chance of reporting it to the police?

No. The local bobby's a new chap.
He's only been down here seven years.

I assume the Witchfinder General
calls round.

We did have a witch, but she signed up
with the Open University,

then things went by the board.

- Could she make rain?
- I can't recall. Why?

- I'm thinking of the barbecue.
- We came to talk to you about that.

- You're not coming?
- God, no! We're not their sort of people.

If you're suggesting we are,
I'll go off you.

Of course not, my dear,
but they'd like you to be.

Yes. Disentangle yourself from them
before they get their hooks onto you.

- We can't think of a graceful way to do it.
- Utter tosh. Grace doesn't come into it.

Simply tell them to vacate your space.

- Take a long jump off a short pier.
- That's all very well, but...

- Come on, boy, where's your backbone?
- It isn't just Lionel's fault.

Tell you what, why don't we short-circuit
the whole process?

I'll come with you and put them straight.
How's that?

- Not on.
- Why not?

I turn up and say, "Now, look here, my
father's got something to say to you."

What should I do while you're saying it?
Play with my toy soldiers on the carpet?

The boy's quite right.

- I must handle this myself.
- With me.

- Ourselves.
- And we will.

Bravo! What will you say?

Um...

What about you, sir? Knives and forks
behind you. Well done or medium?

- Do you mean you can't come?
- I didn't say we definitely couldn't.

I said I don't think we probably can.

- But everyone comes. It's for charity.
- Oh, I didn't know it was for charity.

We like to do our bit for Polynesia.

Then after the bring-and-buy, we all
go back to our place for a huge party.

- That's not for charity, too, is it?
- Certainly not. That's for us.

So we can put you and Lionel down,
can we?

Well, yes, provisionally.

Will you excuse me?

- I've got as far as saying "provisionally".
- To what?

- A bring-and-buy sale. I'm sorry.
- Don't apologise.

I've just said we might be able
to go to a vicars and tarts dance.

Stick together
for the rest of the afternoon.

Yes, strength in numbers.

We might manage it.
You say "no" and I'll say "thank you".

- Then they say, "Why?"
- Well, we say...

Oh, Lionel, what do we say?

I should've swallowed my pride
and brought Father.

Might we have a powwwow
before I bash on with the bangers?

- Of course. About the bring-and-buy...
- And the vicars and tarts...

Don't worry, they'll be great fun.

We've come along
to find out how your chap is.

- What chap?
- Your gardening chap.

Considering he was punched about,
surprisingly well.

- That's all right, then.
- Minor ripple.

- You're not exactly oozing compassion.
- How did you know about it, anyway?

- Word gets round.
- You know.

No, I don't know. Not in this case.

Why are you looking so pleased?

No real harm's been done
and your chap's been taught a lesson.

Would you like to tell us about it?

Well, the fact is that your chap
was damn rude to me yesterday.

OK, so I did nip across his garden
in the 4x4.

- We were off-roading.
- I did offer to pay for the plants.

All he did was to become abusive.

It's not much of a garden
in the first place.

- You b*at him up.
- I wouldn't put it like that.

- How would you put it?
- As Red One,

I simply made a couple of phone calls.

Some of the younger chaps
took the law into their own hands.

- What a total pig of a man you are.
- What?

Lol has the temerity to be upset because
you drive through his garden in your car.

Red One makes a couple of phone calls.
Are you running a private army?

- They're just chaps.
- Thugs.

With even less brains than you.

Hold on! As Red Two,
I take exception to your attitude!

You hold on, Red Two,
I'd stay right out of this if I were you

or you'll land up on the barbecue!

Lionel was in the army, the real army.

I'd better warn you, he served in Korea,
where he was awarded the KBM.

I don't think
you understand the situation.

Somebody has to do something
about the element down here.

You are the element down here.

I'm surprised that any decent people
will have anything to do with you.

You realise, socially speaking,
you've b*rned your bridges?

I've never enjoyed a fire more.
We're going now.

One more thing. If either of you set foot
on the garden, I'll set the dogs on you.

- I didn't know you had any dogs.
- For you, we'll get some.

The manners of some people.

I do wish I'd been there!
I'd have done a Mexican wave!

- You need a crowd for that.
- Do you? I'd have done it anyway.

- They're yahoos!
- So much for getting on with the locals.

They're not the locals.
They're newies and townies.

If you want to meet the real locals,
decent folk, you drop in at the pub.

Yes. Not that tarted-up gin palace they
use. The real thing. Spit and sawdust.

There's an idea. Why don't we go there
and have a few drinks tonight?

- No, thank you.
- Why not?

- Because we don't really want to.
- That's the spirit!

Oh, it's a pity, though.
It's a country-and-western night.

Tea will be served in 11 minutes.
I apologise for the delay.

I was telephoning Lol's mother.

Mrs Bale!

Just local gossip.

The word is out.

I don't think "the g*ng" will be popular
with Lol's big brothers.

We'd better stay in London for a bit.
We might've started a range w*r.

By the way, why did you say
I was decorated in Korea?

And what exactly is a KBM?

- Kicked By a Mule!
- Mule!

Well, you were!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪