05x05 - Broadcast Plan

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Finished.

Oh. Did you ever work out why it was
called, Thunder And The Moon?

No. There was never
a mention of thunder or the moon.

- Perhaps it's an allegory.
- Perhaps it's rubbish.

It was building up to a dramatic climax
last time you told me.

Ion was in an asylum,
his wife had barricaded herself in a cave

and her brother was in prison
for burning barns.

They all ended up in an asylum.

Oh, rib-tickling stuff.
Was that the climax?

No, Georgi the shepherd was the climax.

- What happened to him?
- He turned into a sheep.

Why?

Goodness knows but he did.

You remember the first line?
"I am alone with my sheep."

b*rned on my memory.

Well, the last line is,
"We sheep are not alone."

It is an allegory. It has to be.

- For what?
- I'd have to read the rest of the book.

I wouldn't put yourself through that.

What Alistair thought I could adapt it
into, I'll never know.

Have you considered an opera?

With a chorus of sheep?

I think you might be
onto something there.

- What are you doing?
- The budget.

Don't the figures add up?

Yes, they add up to the fact that
the agency isn't doing wonderfully well.

More machines,
less call for girls with notebooks.

- I prefer the girls with the notebooks.
- Yes, I thought you might.

- Presumably in short skirts.
- It never hurts.

If that's a girl in a short skirt
selling anything, call me.

- Hey, hey, Li.
- Hey, hey, Alistair.

What are you doing?
Stop that! Go through.

- Hello, Alistair.
- Hi, lovely lady.

- Stop what?
- He keeps doing this.

I don't want him doing that to me.

- For you it's a hug. Green light, Li?
- Yeah, I suppose so.

Are we celebrating something,
or are you in one of your tactile moods?

Listen up. Mike Barbosa has faxed me
from LA. We are off the back burner.

Are you cooking something together?

The miniseries, Just Two People.

Mike has managed to punch
a hole in the scheduling.

We are being networked
in the US of A tonight, prime time.

They're going to show that thing?

Jean, will you talk to the man?

- Should we tell him about the opera?
- What opera?

He is turning Thunder And The Moon
into an opera.

- No, you're not?!
- No, I'm not.

Listen, people, this is not play time.
Didn't you hear what I said?

We even understood it.

This is taking stiff upper lip
to superglue proportions.

- Aren't you thrilled?
- No, not really.

Jean, and this time
I am serious, as in deadly.

- Will you talk to the man?
- Sit down, Alistair.

- Me? Why?
- I'm not a fool. I liked Lionel's script.

I really did but then
half of LA got hold of it.

We saw some of the filming, remember?
And they turned it into that thing.

So don't say "talk to the man"
cos he already knows.

Li?

Would you like a drink?

OK but I'm not giving up on this.

You're really relying on
that potato farmer in Idaho.

Middle America, yes. Listen,
these are not sophisticated people

and if they accept Just Two People
as representative of British life...

Then they're simpletons.
The Middlesex Regiment in bearskins.

- Nurses in stripo-gram uniforms.
- Nannies out of the last century.

Everyone saying, "toodle-pip"
and "cheer-ho".

- OK, so you have reservations.
- Reservations?

- Let's just wait and see, shall we?
- Without holding our breath.

In the meantime let's drink to it.

- To Just Two People.
- Just Two People.

And the potato farmer in Idaho.

What's this squiggle at the bottom?

It's "Ugh!"

Yes, that just about sums it up.

We're not in the red
but there's definitely a pink tinge.

Perhaps we should convert
to an escort agency.

- Don't think I haven't considered that.
- You could be Madame Jean.

No, too plain. Madame Suki, I think.

Mind you, if Just Two People comes off,
we could be in for a cash injection.

If it comes off, we'll all need an injection
of some kind to bring us round.

- You're dismal about it.
- You've seen some of it. Aren't you?

You know me. If there's a wind about,
I generally whistle into it.

There are worse philosophies, love.

Could you come up? Alistair's come
back and he's doing this again.

Oh, we'd better go before
Lionel punches him on the nose.

Boy, when I get an idea, do I get an idea?

Stop asking yourself questions
and sit down.

I can't, Li. I'm too pumped up.

Wait till you see
what I've got in this pocket.

The way you're behaving,
it's a lit firework.

Plus three beautiful women.

What are we plus to, Alistair?

These!

You, Li and I are Concorde-ing it
to the Big Apple

to watch Just Two People as it happens.

- When?
- Now.

- Why would we want to do that?
- Why?

To be there at the main event.

To see if it flies or dies.
To smell the fear, to taste the blood.

It's a television programme,
not Custer's last stand.

Oh, I don't know.

You'd never make it in time, anyway.

Yes we would. Time difference.

Plus Concorde flies
at the speed of a b*llet.

We'd be in New York
before we left Heathrow.

- He's right.
- Yes, I know I'm right. Li?

I don't see the point of flying at the
speed of a b*llet to watch a disaster.

Very generous but you go to the match
and we'll stay home and watch the result.

But I've booked rooms at the Plaza.

- I'm sorry, Alistair.
- OK, fine. Whatever you say.

It's not every day a guy
with tickets on Concorde

and rooms at the Plaza
gets turned down.

- Why not try the younger generation?
- Mum!

- Is that an idea or is that an idea?
- You're asking yourself questions again.

Then I'll ask the right people.
Judy, Sandy?

The last time I had an invitation
like this I was 16 years old.

- Not Concorde and the Plaza?
- No, a boy at school.

He had two tickets for a pop concert

but he had a row with his girlfriend
and asked me.

- You didn't go did you?
- No, of course not.

Get the point? It's not very flattering
being the reserve team.

So you're not coming?

- Of course we are.
- Absolutely.

Great! Then grab your passports,

throw something flimsy into a suitcase
and it's New York here we come.

You'll love our room at the Plaza.

I meant your room. Your room.

- You can't blame a chap for trying.
...a chap for trying.

I thought you said...

- What are you doing?
- I'm making a snack.

- But we're going to bed.
- Yes, I know.

Will you pour that coffee
into the Thermos?

Are you planning to have
this snack in the garden?

- Lionel, don't be irrational.
- Me?

We're going to be woken up
in the early hours of the morning.

We might feel like a snack.

Is this some form of psychic forecast?

It's common sense.
They'll see the programme in New York,

they'll phone us and it'll be
the early hours of the morning.

- You're right.
- Yes, I know.

Will you pour that coffee, please?

- What if they don't phone us?
- They're bound to.

What if we're not hungry?

You're in one of your
obstructive moods.

Do you know something? I almost
wish we'd gone to New York now.

That's not like you at all.

I know but at least if I'd watched
the whole thing live,

I could get rid of any flickering hopes
that it might not be that bad.

Yes, I know what you mean.

They're troublesome things,
flickering hopes.

Flicker flicker flicker, they go.

- Flickering in the face of reason.
- Yes.

Will you want a custard tart?

No, I shouldn't think so. I tell you what,
I'm not setting the alarm.

If they phone, they phone.
If they don't, we'll miss a snack

- but we'll get a good night's sleep.
- Right, come on, then.

Will you turn the lights off?

I think I will bring a custard tart.

I could get used to this.

Mm. Me too.
I wonder if Mum's ever thought

of opening a branch office in New York?

- We could mention it.
- Get her drunk first.

Oh, naturally.

Room service, British style.

Come in. Sandy, get some clothes on.

I didn't fall for that, you know.

Of course you didn't.

I'll still share the champagne
with you, though.

- So what do you think?
- It's lovely.

It's a long way to come
to watch television.

It's not just television. We could be
watching history in the making.

We could. Remember Beethoven?

Not personally.

His Fifth Symphony,
first performance it was booed.

I don't find that very encouraging.

But he made a comeback. That's my
point. Years later it became a classic.

A sort of chart stopper of its day.

I don't think Lionel can wait that long.

OK, what about... AI Jolson?

Oh, Alistair, Lionel's not about
to conduct a symphony, or sing Mammy.

This is television.
If this goes down the pan,

that's it, it's over. That's a fact of life.

I was just trying to look
on the bright side.

I know you were.
I'm sorry. I'm just a bit nervous.

- Yes, so am I now.
- Would a massage help?

No?

Champagne then.

- It's time. It's time.
- Oh. Right, here we are.

Channel four.

- Here's to it.
- Yes. Good luck, Lionel.

Good luck, Mum.

- What's this?
- It's just a commercial.

- It's about funeral parlours.
- Oh, no.

It's not an omen. It's not an omen.

Put on the light or you'll stub your toe.

Sorry. Did I wake you?

No. I haven't been asleep.

Every time I opened my eyes
and looked at you, you seemed to be.

Every time I opened my eyes
and looked at you, you seemed to be.

If we'd ever opened our eyes at the same
time, we'd have been up ages ago.

What is the time?

Erm... 2:30.

I'm glad we got this thing.

At least we won't have
to tear downstairs.

- A watched phone never rings.
- Coffee?

Oh, why not?

Oh, I think I'll have a sandwich, too.

Ohh.

Egg and cress, or cheese?

I think I'll stick with the custard tart.

This is bizarre, isn't it?

It is a bit.

We're going to have a very crumby bed.

Well, let's face that when
we get around to sleeping.

Lionel, why are you still flickering?

- Flickering?
- Flickering hopes, remember?

I thought you'd given up on that.

I had but an influx of dollars wouldn't
be bad for your business, would it?

Coming from someone who'd like me
to pack it in, that's a noble thought.

I have my moments.
But there's... something else.

You're not keeping a woman
somewhere are you?

Yes, of course I am,
but that's not what I mean.

The house in Hampshire.

I mean, it's a big place
to keep up just for weekends.

Heating to pay for,
Mrs Bale to pay for.

I think Mrs Bale would prefer rank
above heating.

Perhaps we should sell it.

Your father gave you that house.
You can't sell it.

Well, put it to some use then.

- What as?
- I don't know. A hotel?

You, running a hotel?

I ran a coffee plantation in Kenya.

I know you did. It isn't the same thing.
Coffee beans don't make demands.

Hotel guests do... and sometimes
not very politely.

- You'd empty the place in a week.
- OK.

- Well, it was just my first idea.
- Have you got a second?

No. Not on the tip of my tongue, no.

If we were stately,
we could turn it into a stately home.

That is not in the least helpful.

It wasn't meant to be.

We're not actually facing
the workhouse, are we?

I was just thinking of a way to help.

You could get me
an egg and cress sandwich.

All the cress in the bed will be yours.

Shouldn't it have rung by now?

Well?

- Well...
- Well...

Beautifully photographed.

- I liked the music, too.
- Yes, I liked the music.

- More champagne?
- No, thanks.

- Judy?
- No, thanks, I'm fine.

That'll be an ambulance
rushing a viewer to hospital.

Oh, come on.

Face it, Alistair.
It wasn't very good, was it?

Sandy?

I think it was one of the most
truly awful things I've ever seen.

They must have done more rewrites.

By a five-year-old child, presumably?

He must have written the bit where
Mum sings Land Of Hope And Glory

as Lionel goes off to Korea.

On a platform at "London Station".

The Korean battle scenes
were good, though.

- Even if they were sh*t in Wales.
- You'd never know that.

Not if you ignore the sheep
on the hillside.

Don't they have sheep in Korea?

I don't think so.

They certainly don't have a pub
called The Glendower Arms.

- You spotted that as well?
- Where? Where?

When Lionel gets sh*t in the arm
and he's in the field hospital,

you could see the pub
through a flap in the tent.

Still, at least he didn't lose his arm.

- There was talk of that at some stage.
- I came down heavily on that.

I wish you'd come down heavily
on the whole thing.

I should have stuck to publishing.
I got right out of my depth.

Oh, it wasn't all your fault.

I didn't say it was all my fault.

- Hadn't we better phone home?
- Right.

Yes. I think I'll just have
another glass of champagne first.

This is a much better idea
than trying to brush the crumbs out.

- And the cress.
- I didn't see any actually.

It was like a field over your side.

I wish they'd phone.

Well, I'm going to give it
five more minutes

and then I'm going to sleep
and that's definite.

- All right. Make it ten.
- All right, ten.

I shall look like death warmed up
in the morning.

Remember the first morning
we woke up together?

I didn't look like
death warmed up then, did I?

- You looked beautiful.
- Awww... you looked smug.

- That's not a nice thing to say.
- Perhaps not smug.

Just very pleased with yourself.

I was pleased with everything
that morning.

That'll be them.

Right.

Holland Park Home For Insomniacs.

Oh, hi, Judy.

Yeah, we're fine.

So how did it go?

I see.

No, you don't have to struggle to find
the words, I think I catch the drift.

No, I'm not disappointed. I said all along
it was going to be a disaster.

Yeah. Well, give our love
to Sandy and Alistair.

Well, Jean's love to Alistair, my regards.

See you soon. Goodbye.

Was that worth waiting up for,
I ask myself.

Oh, Lionel, I'm sorry.

Can you lend me a fiver
till the end of the week?

It was only three opinions.

True but if even Alistair
can't find a redeeming feature,

I don't think we should clutch at straws.

- Let's go to a nightclub.
- I don't know any nightclubs.

The last nightclub I went to charged
seven and six entrance fee.

Was it in the Great w*r?

It was just before it actually.

- Why did you say it anyway?
- Just to show bravado, I suppose.

Nobody would know what we were
showing our bravado for.

No, true. And they probably charge
ten bob entrance fee now.

- Let's just go to bed instead.
- Good idea.

We can talk some more about
the first morning we woke up together.

Yes.

OK, girls, it's time to slip
into something glamorous.

You've got to be kidding.

- Go to your room, Alistair.
- Er... no, you've got me wrong.

I mean glamorous as in
"Hey, look at us Brits!"

The wrap bash. Mike Barbosa is throwing
a big party in his apartment.

It won't be a party, it'll be a wake.

It certainly won't be
"Look at us Brits" from us.

It'll be "Get back to where
you came from" from them.

Can I just inject a note
of hope into all of this?

Alistair, why bother?
Ten minutes ago you admitted defeat.

That was a spur of the moment thing.

Maybe we're too close to this, hmm?

Maybe we didn't see it
for what it really was.

That's just the problem, we did.

I mean, through American eyes.

Another thing... If you want to get
changed while I'm talking that's OK.

Ratings. Nobody makes
a move without ratings.

- When do we know those?
- Tomorrow morning.

So in the meantime, we do not despair.

Let's go round to Mike's and party.

Hello?

Yes, he is, just a minute.

It's Mike Barbosa.

Hey, hey.

Hi, Mike, we're just on our way.

- What?
- I'm afraid the party's cancelled.

- Oh.
- The show bombed.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mike.

Yeah, OK. Hey, well, let's do lunch soon.

Right. Ciao.

The party's cancelled.

Mike's been fired.

Poor Mike. I liked Mike.
It was cruel to fire him.

Guilt by association, I suppose.

- The writers got fired too.
- Good, they deserved to be.

What happened to the big boss?
Sol... no, Cy.

He's all right. Alistair says
he only claims involvement with hits.

Oh, all heart. Why didn't Alistair
come in with you?

I asked him but he feels guilty
about what happened in New York.

- What happened in New York?
- The programme.

Oh. Well, it wasn't Alistair's fault,
was it, Lionel?

When it comes to fault there's a long list
but I wouldn't put him at the top of it.

I've never seen him so subdued.

He never even made a pass at us.

That is subdued.

Call it morbid curiosity
but how did the ratings go in the end?

- That bad?
- Well, they started very brightly,

then fell off as the programme went on.

It did quite respectably in Idaho.

Good old Idaho.

Alistair's potato farmer
must have a lot of relatives.

Do you think they call people
who live in Idaho Idahoians?

- I don't know. Why?
- Just a thought.

Oh, I see. Well, Idahoians
doesn't sound right, does it?

Idahosiers?

That sounds a bit like a sock shop.

- You don't have to put on an act.
- We're not, we're just chatting.

Yes, but you must be upset.

It was doomed from when
they said they loved the first script.

- We'll listen to you next time.
- There isn't going to be a next time.

It's all right, I'll go.

So, what are you going
to do now, Lionel?

I think I'll settle down
and breed hamsters.

Before you do that,
you've got to write your second book.

- Oh, yes.
- I tell you what,

I'll breed hamsters first and then write
a book about breeding hamsters.

Recorded delivery for Lionel.

- What is it?
- I hate people who say that. Open it.

Perhaps it's a b*mb from Sol.

Perhaps it's potatoes
from that potato farmer in Idaho.

That's odd. It's six copies
of My Life In Kenya.

You've already had
your complimentary copies.

- I know.
- Why send more then?

Read the letter.

It's from Alistair. Not from him personally
but someone in his firm.

"Dear Mr Hardcastle,
We enclose six copies of..."

Oh, I see. My Life In Kenya
is being remaindered.

- Does that mean they're printing more?
- No.

It means they're selling what's left
of the first lot at half-price.

I didn't say you shouldn't buy it.
I said I wouldn't buy it.

- I think I will take it back.
- No. You can carry it off.

That's the kiss of death,
what that really means is...

Oh, there's Alistair.

Hello, Alistair.

Hi, Judy. Hi, Sandy.

- Oh, can I get you anything?
- No, thanks.

Where've you been?
We haven't seen you for days.

- I can't think of what to say to Li.
- Hello is a good start.

I built up his hopes and then phfft.
The guy must be in pieces.

He's on very good form,
as a matter of fact.

He had a wonderful row
with the milkman this morning.

It really set him up for the day.

- But what's he like inside?
- Much the same as everybody else.

- He's all right, really he is.
- He can't be.

Come home with us
and see for yourself.

- There's something else.
- You're not stuck to your seat?

My Life In Kenya has been remaindered.

We know.

It was the only way to sell more copies
but it feels like kicking a puppy.

Alistair, by no stretch of the imagination

can you possibly think
of Lionel as a puppy.

It was never going to be
Gone With The Wind.

Despite the blonde
on the cover with the torn clothes.

- That was my idea too.
- Who else?

I'm not boasting about it.
I made a serious book look trashy.

It wasn't serious. It was dull.

OK, the miniseries. I just sat back
and let them do what they wanted with it.

I really thought they knew
what they were doing.

So did they presumably. Nobody
could have made that on purpose.

Maybe I'm getting old.

Get your Zimmer frame.
Come home and talk to Lionel.

Has he mentioned me at all?

Your name is banned in the house.

He is sticking pins
into a little doll of you.

Come on, Alistair. You'll feel better.

Well, I've got to look
him in the eye sometime.

I'll just pay this bill.

I want to hug him when he's like this.

- What, depressed?
- No, real.

The girls have brought Alistair home.
I'll be in in a minute.

Oh, no.

Oh, Li.

Hello, Alistair. Come in.

- It had to be Mahler, didn't it?
- Elgar actually.

Whoever.

- Would you like a drink?
- Would I like a drink?

- I just said that.
- No, thanks.

It's just that I don't know
how you can bear to speak to me,

let alone offer me a drink.

Shall we sit down?

- So, what's the matter?
- What's the matter?

This conversation is going
to make no progress

if you just repeat everything I say.

I know.

What are you doing?

I'm stumbling for words.

Could you stumble for words
without putting your arm around me?

You're squeezing me now.

- Who's squeezing who?
- He is.

Alistair, why are you squeezing Lionel?

He's squeezing me now.

Will you stop it and tell us
what is going on?

Can't you see I'm trying to say I'm sorry?

- What for?
- What for?

You're doing it again!

Don't shout. You can see he's upset.

I'm sorry, Alistair.
What's the problem?

I've let you guys down.

I wanted Just Two People to be a smash.

I wanted you to make
a million dollars, Li.

Which was a very laudable ambition.

- But I screwed it up.
- No, you didn't.

They screwed it up. Cy and Sol and
Manny and Uncle Tom Cobley and all.

They tried to turn it into Merry England.

- But I didn't stop them.
- Could you have stopped them?

- Well, no.
- Then why blame yourself?

I imagine there were about ten
of my words left in the script.

What about the heartbreak?

- Whose?
- Yours.

- Do we look heartbroken?
- Well, no, but...

There isn't a but.
We gave it a go and we failed.

It isn't the end of the world.
Sainsbury's will still be open tomorrow.

- While we're at it, thank you.
- Thank you?

Well, it was an adventure.
We'll never forget it.

No. I might even write
a book about it one day.

- Hey, hey.
- I wasn't serious.

- Think of the possibilities.
- No. I'd really rather not.

Mind you...

We'll let it rest, shall we?

- Yes, but...
- Alistair!

All right. I just wish you'd got more
out of it than an adventure.

We did. In case you forget,
we got some very nice dollars.

- Dollars!
- Well, they are legal tender.

There are a lot more of those to come.

- A lot?
- Oh, yes.

Transmission fee.

You see I messed up a lot of things
but I never ever mess up a contract.

Lionel, it's hug time.

You're right.

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪