05x06 - At Death's Door

[bunniefuu]

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by ♪

Thank you.

Now, make yourself comfortable.

- We won't be a moment.
- Thanks, Penny.

We can get away quickly now, can't we?

You can't just bolt your lunch and go.

No, I suppose not.

Why is Penny's gravy always grey?

I was wondering that.

- Tastes all right.
- Oddly enough, it does.

It's just not aesthetically pleasing,
grey gravy.

Here we are, then.

- Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men.
- Why did you say that, Stephen?

I don't know. I just thought of it.

I do wish you wouldn't
think of things like that.

Oh, I do, too. It's irritating when you
don't know where a thought comes from.

Don't you find that so, Lionel?

To tell you the truth,
I haven't given it any thought.

- Haven't you?
- No.

I don't think you actually
think of a thought, do you?

I mean, a thought is a thought.

I think.

We could really open
this discussion up.

I think we'll have coffee.

- Jean, Lionel?
- Yes, thanks.

We must be making a move after that.

- Stephen?
- Rather.

I meant, would you make it for us?

Oh. Right. Erm...

I'll be in the kitchen.

You'll have to forgive Stephen
if he doesn't seem himself.

We hadn't noticed.

He's hiding it. Of course he is.

- Hiding what?
- The strain.

I'm going into hospital tomorrow.

- Oh, Penny, why?
- I'm dying.

- What?
- I'm dying.

- Who told you?
- Nobody told me. I just know.

Oh, I think somebody
would have mentioned it.

- They don't.
- What are you going into hospital for?

- A feminine thing.
- I'll help Stephen with the coffee.

There's absolutely no need.

You wouldn't understand anyway.
I think Jean does.

- No, Jean doesn't.
- Oh, well, I'll whisper then.

All right.

No, not so near, just... again. Again.

Penny, that's not a feminine thing.

- Are you sure?
- We all have a small intestine.

Oh.

- This dying business...
- You could've put that more tactfully.

- Penny brought it up.
- Yes, I did.

And the word holds no fear for me.

So are you going into hospital
for an operation, or what?

An exploratory operation.

That's just having
a look around, isn't it?

That's what they say.

They probably won't bother
to bring me round.

Oh, Penny.

Sorry. The filter's making odd noises
and it's not filtering.

Look, I should have done it
myself in the first place.

Hopeless! Hopeless!

- She's told you, hasn't she?
- About going into hospital? Yes.

I meant about the dying business.

Yes, I believe she did mention it.

Thought she would. The whole district
knows about it by now.

- You don't believe her, do you?
- Logically, no, but she seems so sure.

Penny's not the world's
greatest optimist.

True. Look, I know it's an awful cheek

but do you think I could stay
with you for a few days?

What?

Stephen, most men would want to be
near their wives at a time like this.

But I would be, that's the point.

- The hospital is in west London.
- Oh.

- Almost round the corner.
- Oh.

It is an awful cheek.

No, of course you must
stay with us, Stephen.

Yes, of course you must.

Lionel, will you please stop the car?

There aren't many bushes about.

I don't want a bush.
Just stop the car, please.

All right.

Why?

Sandy said something about you once.

She said you were kinder
than you wanted to be.

I'm not sure how to take that.

She was right.
You said yes to Stephen straightaway.

You must have hated the idea
but you said yes.

- I didn't want to, believe me.
- Then why did you?

Well, what else could I say?

He's got a barmy wife
who's convinced she's going to die.

Leave him on his own,
he'll start to believe it.

Penny never called me
"Poor Jean" once.

She always calls me "Poor Jean."

- It must all be nonsense.
- Of course it must.

But old Stephen, he's so...

Thick.

Yes.

But vulnerable thick.

Awww.

We'd better get going. We're setting
the younger generation a bad example.

Of course I don't mind. Judy's room's
a double, so I can move in with her.

Oh, good. Then that's that settled.

Except that Uncle Stephen
is used to sleeping with someone.

Not me. I mean, he's used
to sleeping in a double bed.

Well, it'll be a squash
with two of us in mine.

I don't mind taking a single.

- You're just confusing things.
- I'm only trying to help.

If I take the single,
Stephen can have our bed.

- Where do I sleep?
- Oh, yes.

- Come in with me.
- There'll be three of us.

I'll take the single.

You said you'll give
the single to Stephen.

- I could always sleep on the sofa.
- No, I'll do that.

- Then Sandy can move in with Mum.
- Now you're all doing it.

You're creating a confusion
when there isn't one.

Sandy moves in with Judy.

Stephen has Sandy's room,
and Lionel and I stay put.

- It's simple, agreed?
- Right.

- Except...
- You just said it was simple.

I was thinking Stephen
will feel very much on his own.

He's not coming in with us.

I don't mean us, I mean with you.

Pardon?

I'll go in with Judy
and Sandy can stay where she is.

Unless you'd prefer the single?

Hold on. I feel very sorry
for Stephen, naturally,

but I draw the line at sleeping with him.

- Plan A, then.
- Plan A.

This would have been much easier
if we'd just drawn lots.

Poor Uncle Stephen, though.

- Poor Aunt Penny.
- Yes. She's not very old at all.

Before we get the black crepe out,
may I say something?

Penny is occupying her half a brain

with some weird notion
that she's at death's door.

She's not. She's going into hospital

for an exploratory operation
and that's all.

Hmm?

You're all supposed to say,
"Goodness me, you're right."

- I expect you are.
- I know I am.

- People do have premonitions, though.
- Jean.

When I was a nurse, I know it's odd,

but patients did sometimes
get things into their head

and if it came to the fight
they sometimes gave up.

Now, that's cheered
everybody up, hasn't it?

I'm sorry but I think it's too simplistic
to dismiss Penny as half-baked.

Voodoo works on suggestion.
Victims simply lose the will to live.

Yes. I read a thing about Eskimos once...

Look what you've done. We're talking
about voodoo and Eskimos now.

- In Tibet...
- I don't want to hear about Tibet either.

Our immediate concern is
to stop Stephen from moping.

- That is all.
- Lionel's quite right.

We must cheer Stephen up,
just keep his mind off things.

So, the parrot said,

"No, I didn't see a thing.
I got so excited, I fell off my perch."

I don't get it.

He didn't have any feet, you see?

The parrot or the man?

The parrot.

Poor creature.
Was he born without feet?

I don't honestly know. It doesn't matter.

Well, this is it.
I hope you'll be comfortable.

- It's a girl's room.
- It's Sandy's. She's moving in with Judy.

I didn't want to cause any disruption.
That's why I brought the sleeping bag.

We're not having you
sleeping on the floor.

Thanks.
I won't rummage around or anything.

I know you won't.

Right, I'll leave you to unpack.

- No, don't go.
- Oh.

No, of course not.

- Jimjams.
- Yes.

A bit flashy for my taste, really,
but old Pen bought them for me.

No, they're very... cheerful, aren't they?

Does Jean buy your jimjams for you?

Not so far, no.

I often think of those all-in-one jobs
I used to wear as a little boy.

- Do you really?
- Yes, I do.

I'm sorry but I can't think of
anything else to say about pyjamas.

It doesn't matter.
I was just making small talk.

I know Penny wanted
to have a chat with Jean.

Yes, I was er... surprised you didn't
take her straight to the hospital.

She insisted on popping in en route.

- What did she want to chat about?
- I don't think we need three guesses.

Erm... is there a drawer free at all?

Yes. Sandy said
she'd emptied the top two.

Jolly good.

- It is empty.
- It's best to make sure.

They can be minefields, girls' bedrooms.

You will look after Stephen
for me, won't you?

That's why we've got him
staying with us.

I don't mean now, I mean... afterwards.

Penny, don't start that again.

I want everyone to wear
something colourful.

When?

I'm not going to listen
to any more of this.

- You have told the children?
- The children? Oh, Judy and Sa...

Yes and they don't believe it either.

Stephen and I never had any children.

Penny, I know that.

Yes, of course you do.

- He'll be on his own...
- Will you excuse me?

I'm just going to see about the tea.

I thought you were supposed
to be making tea.

We have. It's there.

How were we meant to drink it,
through a long straw?

We were being discreet.

- We were waiting for a good moment.
- There are no good moments.

Now she's talking about us
looking after Stephen.

- I need reinforcements.
- Jean?!

- Oh, I'm here.
- For Those In Peril On The Sea.

- What about them?
- I'd like it played at my... you know.

I've told Stephen. But you know Stephen.

- He'll forget and put on Rock Of Ages.
- Oh.

Aunt Penny, don't you think
you're being premature?

I think I'm being practical.

Would any of you be interested
in my jewellery?

You can come in now, Stephen.

You don't have to knock.
She said, "Come in."

Oh, yes.

- Hello, Penny.
- Now, look.

There's a list of things I want you
to do at home. First of all...

I'm Gladys Teape.

Oh, how do you do?

I know who you are.

- Are you sure?
- Yes. You're Cilla Black.

No, Mrs Teape. I'm not Cilla Black.

Of course you are. As large as life.

- No, really, I'm not.
- Oh, I get it. Incognito, eh?

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

Well, I think it's best that you don't.

You haven't seen
my green teapot, have you?

Erm... no, I don't think that I have.

- I'll tell you what, I'll look for it.
- Oh, thank you.

- I got these at that shop downstairs.
- Oh.

What are you doing?

- I'm looking for Mrs Teape's teapot.
- You're doing what?

Mrs Teape, she's hallucinating.

No she's not, she's fast asleep.

Well, she was hallucinating.

Cheerio, then, Penny.
I'll see you this evening.

Maybe.

- Pen would like a word.
- Oh, right.

Hello, Penny. How are you feeling?

- I say...
- Yes?

You will never guess who I just saw.

- No, I probably won't.
- Cilla Black.

Really?

Good Lord.

You want me to what?

I want you to talk to Stephen
about being a bachelor.

- But he's been a bachelor.
- Yeah but not for ages.

He'll have to relearn the skills
and I want you to help him.

- I'm not sure I had any skills.
- Penny, you've just got to stop this.

- Stop what?
- All this negative thinking.

Just get it out of your mind, or...

- Or what?
- You've even got Stephen believing it.

Well, it's best he's prepared.

♪ Step inside love...

♪ We'll be carried away... ♪

Did everything go all right?

Apart from somebody thinking
I was Cilla Black, yes.

- Cilla Black?
- She was hallucinating.

- Aunt Penny?
- No, some poor old soul in the next bed.

All Penny's doing is
issuing final instructions.

- A cup of tea?
- I'd sooner have a glass of wine.

Yes, of course.

So, how's Li doing?

He's talking to Stephen. Penny asked
him to help prepare Stephen

for life on his own.

He's not going to do it, is he?

Alistair, you wouldn't
give him a hand, would you?

Oh yes, I know what
I was going to ask you.

Did you ever succeed
in giving up newspapers?

No, I'm afraid not.

I got it down to Sunday,
Monday, Tuesday,

erm... Wednesday but then
I got withdrawal symptoms.

I'm back on two a day now.

That's interesting.

How's the dentistry business?

Look here, old chap,
I know why you manoeuvred me in here

and it is appreciated.

I didn't manoeuvre you at all,
we just ended up in here.

Well, it's still appreciated.

And old Pen is right,
I could stand some advice on...

Well, going it alone.

- Ah, it's like a curse.
- Is it?

No, I mean the black cloud
that seems to have descended.

Hi, Li. Hi, Steve.

- Ah, Alistair!
- You are on your own, aren't you?

- Yes, but hey, you're not going to be.
- That's what we all keep telling him.

- Well, say I was?
- No, don't say you were.

- But if I were?
- You're not going to be.

Well, just supposing then?

- Oh, tell him, Alistair.
- OK.

But this is in no way,
shape or form a projection.

This is just three guys
chewing the fat, right?

- I understand that.
- Fine.

Well, let's take a look
at being on your own.

Whichever way you slice the pie,
it's not all bad.

For a start, you're as free as air.

You come and go as you please.

No one's trying to talk you
into things you don't want to do.

You only ever answer to yourself.

Yeah, I suppose you do.

What about the opposite sex?

Hey, Steve, they are out there.

Not where I live.

No, no, but in chewing-the-fat terms,

we're probably talking
about a flat in London.

- I hadn't thought of that.
- The place to be.

I suppose it is.

You had a flat in London
when you were single, Lionel.

Yes, I did.

- And were they out there?
- Who?

- The opposite sex.
- Oh. Yeah, well, I suppose they were.

Crumbs.

I wouldn't want to give the impression
they were trying to batter my door down.

But hey, who sits at home
waiting anyway?

Well, I did most of the time.

Man, the hunter, eh?

That's right, Steve.

Look, this is all pure hypothesis, anyway.

Yes and hypothetically,
mightn't I be a bit long in the tooth

for all this... business?

- Yes.
- No!

Look, this isn't just a young guy's world.
This is an all guys' world.

- Is it really?
- Hey, Steve, believe.

Before we go any further down this road,
I should point out, Stephen,

that you'll be with Penny, the woman
you love, for a long time to come.

That... that's right.

And er... perhaps I did overstate
the case for the single guy.

Yes, you did.

Being on your own isn't all like nirvana.

- It can be lonely.
- Can it?

Yes!

Yes, well, even if it's not,
and this is strictly guy-to-guys,

being free as air doesn't
always seem so special

because, well, you're only ever with
someone who's... temporarily special.

That's exactly right.

I don't really know
what I'd do without old Pen.

I'm quite covered.

We just popped in to say good night.

Oh, this isn't my teddy, you know.

- Oh, isn't it?
- Judith lent it to me.

He's called Snuffles, apparently.
It would have been churlish to say no.

You don't have to make an excuse,
Stephen. It's nice to cuddle a teddy.

Lionel has a teddy.

- Have you, Lionel?
- Oh, yes, no shame in it at all.

- What's he called?
- Called?

- Well, he must have a name.
- Oh. Yes, of course he does.

- He's called Tubby.
- Odd name for you to choose, Lionel.

I must have been in an odd mood.

- Good night, Stephen.
- Good night, old chap.

It'll all be all right.

Penny had a premonition before
and it was spot-on, that's the trouble.

Well, this one won't be.

- Sleep tight.
- Good night.

Look here,
I really am very grateful to you all.

Oh, what the hell?

I thought you'd all be at work.

Yes, so did we.

The office can look after itself for a bit.

Shouldn't the hospital have phoned?

You can't expect them
to be dead on time.

Exactly on time!

You know what hospitals are like.

- What do you mean?
- Well, busy.

They could be running late.

Maybe somebody
hasn't got to the phone yet.

- Maybe there's an emergency.
- With Penny?

No, no, no. Just somebody squeezed in.

Squeezed in what?

Squeezed into the queue
for the operating theatre.

Look, we're all getting very tense.
Why don't we all try to get untense?

Yes.

I'll get it!

It's probably just the postman.

Or the postman.

No time for niceties.
All lie down on the floor

in a circle, with your feet touching.

- Did I hear you correctly?
- It came to me in the night.

I saw this once in Portugal.
It's a way of concentrating group energy.

Alistair, look, I'm sure this is
very well intentioned but I...

It is for old Pen.

Well, I suppose it can't do any harm.

Right. We'll all lie on the floor, then.

Now, move in closer.

- The feet must be touching.
- Right.

Now we just clear our minds and chant.

What do we chant?

- Uh...
- Uhhhhh...

No, no, no! I was just trying
to remember what the chant was.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

- Ohh...
- Ohh...

Oh, I'll go!

Hello?

Yes, he's here. Stephen, it's for you.
It's the hospital.

Hello? Yes, speaking.

- I've gone deaf. I can't hear.
- Oh, give it to me.

Hello?

No, he's temporarily incapacitated.
This is her sister-in-law.

Yes?

Right.

Yes.

Fine. Thank you so much.

- Mum?
- Stephen, can you hear me?!

Yes, I can.

They found a small blockage in her
small intestine which they've removed.

There are no complications and she's
just coming out of the anaesthetic.

That's rather good news.

Oh! Ohhh.

Bloody woman.

Go on, Stephen. You talk to her first.

Thanks.

- Penny?
- Go on.

I wonder who she'll think you are today?

- She isn't here.
- She's gone. They took her away.

Stephen!

- I feel rather silly doing this.
- He's coming round. Stephen?

- Am I dead?
- No, of course you're not dead.

- Penny?
- Penny's fine.

- That lady said they'd taken her away.
- They moved her to a side ward.

Apparently, Mrs Teape
was at it full throttle last night,

singing at the top of her voice,
so they moved Penny into a side ward

so she could get a decent night's sleep.

Thank goodness for that.

I suppose it was seeing Cilla Black
yesterday got her overexcited.

I wonder what she was doing here.
Charity work, I suppose.

No.

- No what?
- Doesn't matter.

Here's Penny now.

No need to charge about with this thing.

- We're not in a grand prix.
- She's all right.

- Hello, Penny, how are you?
- Stephen, why are you in my bed?

- he fainted.
- Jolly good to see you, Pen.

- If you'll excuse us.
- I think you could get up now, Stephen.

Oh, yes, of course.

You used to wear a little white cap.

Yes, and big hunking shoes, too.

- Was that for golf?
- It was when I was a nurse.

I shouldn't stay too long.
She'll be rather tired.

Mrs Teape won't start
singing again, will she?

No, she's quite rational this morning.

I don't think we shall
have any more singing.

- Will Penny be all right?
- She'll be fine.

Not too long now.

Hello, Pen. Would you like a teddy bear?

- Why should I want a teddy bear?
- They're rather nice, that's all.

I know why
you are looking at me like that.

Dying!

You had six people
in a state of near hysteria.

I couldn't help having a premonition.

Just do us a favour, Penny, next time
you have one, don't tell us about it.

What's the matter with you? A few hours
ago you were talking about funerals.

All you have to do is clean the house
for when Penny comes out of hospital.

It isn't that. I was just thinking
about yesterday,

when you and I and Alistair
were chewing the cud.

- Fat.
- Sorry, fat.

That was just a hypothetical
rather silly discussion.

Yes, I realise that but, you know,
when Alistair was talking about freedom

and all those women out there...

for one awful moment,
it all sounded rather attractive.

Do you think I'm intrinsically evil?

No, I don't, Stephen.

I bet you wouldn't let a thought
like that cross your mind.

No.

I've left Snuffles on your bed,
just in case.

- Jolly good.
- You're staying on?

He'll want to visit Penny.
It's only for a few days.

- You don't mind, do you, Lionel?
- No, I'm delighted.

So am I. It'll be nice to have
a fellow to chat to.

I expect we'll have
some jolly decent chats.

Will you be back at work tomorrow?

Oh, yes.

Right, I'll just pop upstairs
and wash the old visage

and I'm taking you both out to lunch.

Stephen, the premonition
that Penny had,

the one that came true,
what was it about?

It was years ago. It was uncanny.

Old Pen got this odd feeling that a horse
called Shergar would disappear

after it had won the Grand National.

Uncanny.

Shergar did disappear.

Yeah but he won the Derby,
not the Grand National.

We're not just silly people, are we?

No sillier than most, why?

It's just that she got us going,
didn't she?

- Premonition.
- I suppose it was just fear.

I'm having my annual checkup
next week.

You didn't say.

Well, it got rather
overshadowed by events.

- You're not worried, are you?
- No, I'm not worried.

But you don't really look forward
to a checkup, do you?

Not as you would a holiday.
You'll be fine.

Of course I'll be fine.

- But if there is anything...
- Lionel!

- You have to think of these things.
- No, you don't!

- I'll just say this...
- Ohh...

If there is anything wrong,
I'd like you to have all my jewellery.

Oh!

Oh, stop it. Stop it!

♪ You must remember this

♪ A kiss is still a kiss

♪ A sigh is just a sigh

♪ The fundamental things apply

♪ As time goes by

♪ And when two lovers woo

♪ They still say I love you

♪ On that you can rely

♪ The world will always welcome lovers

♪ As time goes by ♪