02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

In last week's episode of Soap,

much to everyone's surprise,

Chester confessed
to the k*lling of Peter.

Of course, no one's surprised
he was sent to prison.

Danny tried to convince Elaine
not to marry him

by faking impotency,

but it didn't work...

the plan, that is,
and now he has to marry her.

Jodie and Carol are now
sharing an apartment,

but what they're not sharing

is Carol's secret

that she is pregnant,
and Jodie's the father.

Meanwhile, back in prison,
Chester's cellmate, Dutch,

is hoping to escape.

Chester, who hates him,
hopes he will,

but is horrified to hear
that he has to go along.

Confused?

You won't be

after this week's episode of...

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[♪]

[WHISPERS] Wake up.

Huh? Oh!

Shh.

Aah!

Get up, Tate.
We're ready.

Ready for what?

The escape.

[RAISES VOICE]
We're escaping n...

Shut up!

[WHISPERS] It's night time,

for God's sake.

What do you want to do,
escape in broad daylight?

You moron.

Well, at least we could see.

Have a little dinner first.

Listen, Tate,

I want you to attract
the guard's attention.

How?
Scream.

I can't scream.

Scream, Tate!

No, I can't. Really, really.

No sound comes out.
My mouth opens and nothing.

I'm a... a silent screamer.

Watch.

See? Nothing.

[SCREAMS]

All right, what's going on?

Get the keys, Tate!

[KNOCKING]

Hey, Danny?
Yeah?

Hey, Danny, your mother's
got our bathroom

all tied up in her crying.

Can I use yours?

Yeah, sure,
but what's the matter?

Why is she crying?
Why is she crying?

Danny, you're getting married.

She's been crying
since last night.

She's crying because
I'm getting married?

Well, last night she was crying

because you're getting married.

Tonight she's crying

because her eyes look so bad

from last night's crying.

I don't know, we're all
a little excited and upset.

Look at me...

I got dressed, forgot to shave.

I love the commercials
for this razor, huh?

Two swipes, a guy
has shaved his entire face.

Of course, the man's a eunuch.

You know,
I've been thinking, Danny.

Danny, I've been thinking,

you know,
I'm not going to work forever,

I mean, you know,

I'm gonna retire someday,

and I don't want to sell
my business.

I want to be able to pass it on,

so, uh, I don't know,
I've been thinking...

how about we become partners?

Partners?
Yeah.

You and me?
Yeah.

Gee, Burt, that's wonderful.

I mean, what a surprise.

Only thing is, right now,

I'm afraid I can't
see my way clear.

You can't see your way clear?

Yeah, you see,

uh, I have a couple of
interesting prospects

of my own.

I'm thinking of
becoming a banker.

A banker?

Yeah.

Come on, Danny,
what are you talking about?

You just don't go out
and be a banker.

Of course you can.

You rent a place...

You hire a few tellers...

you put up
a sign that says "bank",

and the people come by
and drop off their dough.

Danny, first of all,

the government
controls the banks,

and secondly,

you need a lot of money
to open a bank.

I could borrow some.

You're going to go to a bank

to borrow money to open a bank?

No good, huh?

Well, I have another
very interesting idea.

Opening up a supermarket.

Opening up a supermarket?

Yeah.

No good?

[SCOFFS]

I have a very exciting idea

that could revolutionize travel.

Revolutionize travel?

Yeah.

I'm in this department store
yesterday, right?

And they take my money
and put it in a tube,

and then they put
the tube in a chute

and... thwack!

Back it comes with my change.

So?

So?

So, I'm thinking,

what about a tube like that,

but bigger,

carrying passengers
from New York to LA?

Thuh-wack!

Be there in seconds.

Listen, Danny, Danny, Danny.

Please, you've got to grow up.

I mean, what do you know?

Your entire experience
is driving a car for the mob,

and suddenly, you've got
all these kind of fancy ideas.

You know how to
parallel park, Danny.

That's it.

Danny, I'm offering you
a partnership here,

to be my partner.

Your partner, huh?

Hey, I admit it's not a bank,

but it's a start.

Campbell and Stepson.

No, Danny, you don't say
"Campbell and Stepson,"

you say
"Campbell and Son."

Okay.

Huh? We're partners?

Partners.

There you go. Hey.
Hey!

No good, huh?

No... No.

You making those knots
secure, Tate?

Oh, yes, yes.
I make wonderful knots.

That's good,

because you're gonna test it.

No, no, no, no.

Come on.

Ow.

Oh, my God...

Tate, are you all right?

Wonderful.

This is supposed to be
the happiest day of my life.

I know.

It's not.
I know.

It's the worst.

There.

I always thought
I'd be nervous, but happy.

I always thought
I'd be happy, but sad.

I'm just miserable.

So am I.

I always thought
I'd love the girl I married.

I always thought
the girl you'd marry

to be a little like me,

but Elaine is...

I don't know.

She's a pig.

Danny.

That is a terrible thing to say.

It's awful.

Yeah, but it's true.

She is.

She's a pig!

She is not a pig.

Don't say that.
Don't say that.

She's the girl
you're going to marry.

You can't call her a pig...

[CHUCKLING]

Even if she is one.

Mr. and Mrs. Burt Campbell

are happy to announce

the marriage
of their son Danny...

to a pig.

[SNORTS]

What are we laughing at?

How terrible it is

that Danny has to marry a girl

he hates.

Sooie! Sooie!

Hey, Burt...

[SNORTS]

So what's the big joke?

You are, dear.

Get your flaky sister
out of here, please,

and for God's sake, get dressed.

The ceremony's gonna start.

I am dressed.

You're wearing that?

Come on.

Now, wait a minute.

You're not supposed
to see the groom

before the wedding.
It's bad luck.

And this marriage has got enough

going against it already.

Come on, dear,
let's wait outside.

You.

You'd better move it.

The Rabbi says
he's gotta leave in minutes.

He's got a bar mitzvah,
two funerals, a bris,

and tickets to Pippin.

Come on, dear.

They'll be along
in just a moment.

Oh, you do look lovely.

You know, no one would guess

you're trash.

Listen, uh...

what were we laughing about?

I'll tell you later.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

I'll go.

[SNORTS]

Well, one thing doesn't change,

no matter who you marry.

You're moving out.

I'm losing my baby.

You're not losing me, Ma.

I am. I am. I am.

You'll have your own home,

your own family,

your own refrigerator...

You'll never call.

Don't be silly.
Of course I'll call.

When?

What do you mean, "when"?
I'll call every day.

You will?
Of course I will.

And you'll come to dinner?

Sure.
Every night?

Oh, Ma.

Mrs. Gorney's son
got married

and moved to California.

She hears from him once a year
at Christmas.

He sends her a card
with a picture of his Mercedes.

That's it.

And Mrs. Kadish, poor soul...

her son got married
and moved away.

She's hasn't taken a bath
in two years.

She's afraid he'll call,
she'll be in the tub.

Come on, Ma.
That'll never happen.

Oh, I know I sound very silly
to you.

But someday,
when you have children,

you'll understand

that you say goodbye
to a bit of your life

when you say goodbye
to your child.

But it's not goodbye, Ma.

I'll see you.

Yes, of course you will.

We'd better go.

There are Swedish meatballs

getting cold out there.

I love you, Ma.

And I love you, Danny.

Oh, perhaps you know,
Mr. Lefkowitz.

Could you tell me

why Jewish sculptors
work in chopped liver

instead of marble?

So, what about you?

Did you make up your mind yet?

About what, Burt?

"About what, Burt?"

You're living with a girl
and dating a boy,

so which one's your girlfriend,
the boy or the girl?

Because if it's the girl,
her father gives the wedding,

and if it's the boy, just
because he's a football boy,

don't think you're the bride
and I'm giving the wedding,

because forget about it.
I'm not.

Hey, Elaine,

these are my cousins,
Corinne and Eunice.

So?

Charlie, a black man you invite?

A schwartze?

It's their side of the family.

Their side?

A black man?

A blood relative?

Nah, you're kidding.

The man's a schwa...

Schwartze.

Uh, Benson, I'm sorry.

I really hope
you're not offended.

Listen, you're the one

who's marrying into this family.

If you're happy,
I'm tickled pink.

[CLINKING ON GLASS]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to make a toast.

This is an occasion
I've looked forward to

for a very long time,

the marriage of my daughter.

When my wife d*ed,
I promised her on her deathbed

I would take care of Elaine
till the day she married,

that she would never want
for anything.

I've kept that promise.

And so, I hand my daughter over
to a fine young man

who, from now on,
will take care of her,

because
I'm completely cutting her off.

She'll never get another penny
or hear another word from me

as long as I live,

because
she is a disgusting person

and nothing thrills me more
than to be rid of her forever.

Le'chaim.

This is high.
How do we get down?

We jump.

Wha... Forget it.

Go ahead and jump, Tate.

Please... After you.

Okay.

Uhh!

Don't get up.

Why?

I need something soft
to land on.

[THUD]

Oof!

I'm telling you
the truth, Dennis.

Elaine's father
cut them off completely.

And now they have to go
live with my parents

because Danny
doesn't have a dime. I...

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing up so late?

Waiting for you.

Uh, well, maybe
I should go, huh?

Don't go.

Go.

Carol...

That's all right.

I could use

a good night's sleep anyway.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

[SIGHS]

Good night, Carol.

[STIFLES A SOB]

I've had it with you, Carol!

I can't live like this anymore.

I'm moving out.

Now, listen,
I'll pay half the rent

until you're able
to get yourself to...

Don't do that, Carol.

[WHINING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

What?

[SOBBING]

All right, Carol.
All right.

Carol, okay.

We'll give it another few weeks.

But you've got to understand

that we each have our own lives.

No.

"No," you don't understand,

or "no,"
we don't have our own lives?

[SQUEALING]

Would you talk to me?

Things have changed.

What things?

Things.

Could you be more specific?

I... I'm gonna
have your baby.

What?

I'm...
gonna... have...

your... baby.

You're pregnant?

Up until now,

that's how
you usually had babies.

Y-you're sure?

The rabbit d*ed.

Uh, Carol?
Uh...

Carol, uh, how do you know

that it's, uh...

I mean, how can you
be sure that it...

It's yours.

How can you be sure?

Jodie, you were the only one.

But it was only once.

That'll do it.

A baby?

Yes.

A baby.

Right.

You went to the doctor?

Yes.

Well, what did he say?

"You're pregnant."

Besides that.

I mean...

Carol,

are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Healthy as a horse.

A fine, healthy... mother-to-be.

Right.

Well, the father-to-be

is not your standard model here.

I mean, considering
he's in love with a man

and, up until a few months ago,

was wearing
his mother's clothes,

but, hey, that okay.

Oh, Jodie.

Maybe they made a mistake.

I mean,
doctors can make mistakes.

If you're not
an investment banker,

sometimes
they don't pay attention.

It isn't a mistake.

I see.

Uh...

Um...

Wh-what you want to do?

I'm gonna have the baby.

You're gonna have the baby?

She's gonna have a baby.

Be calm?

How can I be calm

when, right after
your husband escapes,

several other criminals
go right out

through the same bars
that they cut, and escape too?

And several of them
were K*llers.

But don't you worry,

we're gonna catch all of them.

Well, most of them...

well, just some of them.

Oh, I don't know.

I can't believe that
Dad's an escaped prisoner.

We must sh**t
escaping prisoners!

Set an example!

I know this is bending
the Geneva Con slightly,

but so what?

Where is Benson?
It's time for our dessert.

He's down in the basement, Mom.

Oh, darling, would you go down

and get him?

All right.

I hate the basement.

It gives me the creeps.

The basement doesn't
bother me a bit.

It's the attic I hate.

I don't like the ocean.

The ocean always scares me.

I wonder where Daddy's gonna go.

Probably Mexico
or South America.

Oh, I don't think so.

Your father and I
went there once, on a cruise,

and he never
got out of the bathroom.

Well, what is keeping Billy?

Corinne, please, go and see
where your brother is.

Oh, only if Eunice
comes with me.

Oh, honestly, Corinne...

I once escaped from a POW camp.

I dug a tunnel with a spoon

and carried the dirt out
in my shorts.

And after months of digging,

I finally made my escape
through the tunnel.

Oh, it was a beautiful tunnel.

There was only one thing
wrong with it, though.

It came out
right in h*tler's dressing room.

That's nice, Daddy.

Eunice?

Billy?
Children, come on now.

I'm ready for my dessert.

That's strange.

I also ruined
my only pair of shorts.

Hello?

Yoo-hoo!

Where is everybody?

Is this a surprise party?

Because if it is,
I'm not telling you my age.

All right, now, come on...

fun's fun,
but everybody come up.

Hmm.

[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKING
ON AND OFF]

Strange.

All right.

I'm coming down now...

but, please,
don't anybody scare me.

Billy?

Eunice?

Corinne?

[SCREAMS]

[SCARY MUSIC PLAYS]

Will Danny and Elaine
find happiness,

even though he thinks
she's a farm animal?

Will Burt and Mary
find happiness

living with Danny
and the farm animal?

Will Jodie
have to change his life

once he's changing diapers?

Will Sheriff Tinkler
find Chester, Dutch,

and the other escaped criminals?

And if he does find Chester,

what kind of shape
will he be in?

What's happened to Benson,
Billy, Eunice, and Corinne

in the basement?

And what's going to happen
to Jessica?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on next week's episode of...

Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]