02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

In last week's episode of Soap,

Carol told Jodie she's pregnant
and he's the father,

presenting Jodie with a problem
that won't disappear.

Because Elaine's father
cut her off,

her inheritance disappeared,

so Elaine and Danny had
to move in with Burt and Mary,

who wish she'd disappear.

Tim and Corinne
are going to be married,

and Tim's mother wishes
Corinne would disappear.

Chester and Dutch
disappeared from prison

and had the police
looking for them.

Benson, Billy, Eunice,
and Corinne

disappeared from the dining room

and had Jessica
looking for them.

Then Jessica disappeared.

Confused?

You won't be
after this week's episode of...

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[♪]

[SHOUTING]

All right, Mrs. Tate,

you scream for help,
and I'll blow your head off.

Do as he says, Jess.

Chester?

Is that you, Chester?

Oh, darling, darling,

you did escape.

That's right,
and we're hiding out here.

Now, all of you

just go about doing
whatever it is you do,

and remember, one word of this,
and somebody gets k*lled.

Oh, don't be silly,

but you don't have
to hide down here.

We have a perfectly lovely
guest room upstairs,

with a private bath.

Jess, we've escaped.

We have to hide.

Okay, everybody, get up.

Now, all of you

just go about your lives
as if nothing was going on.

Fine, I'll go get dessert.

You hold it right there.

Okay, now, everybody,

you're all to live
perfectly normal lives.

Sure, a normal life
with a g*n up my nose?

Billy, don't be rude.

After all, Butch is our guest.

I'm Dutch.

Dutch?

Hold it right there,

buster.

No, you fool, this man is Dutch.

The Dutch are on our side.

I'm very sorry, captain.

Get over there.

Okay, now,

remember, one word...

one word from anybody,

and he dies.

Anything in particular
we'd have to say?

Uh, it's a great meal, darling.

It's really
just a wonderful dinner.

[SPITS]

This stuffing's the pits.

I'll k*ll her.

I swear, I'll k*ll her.

Easy, now, Mary, Mary, Mary.

Come on, now.

So we didn't know that Elaine
doesn't like stuffing.

She's probably allergic to it

and had a reaction.

Just...

Elaine, please.

Have a nice day today, darling?

Darling?

[CLINKING]

Nice day?

It was okay.

Come on, Elaine,

my mother worked hard
on this meal.

I'd rather starve to death.

Why don't you? You could stand
to lose a few pounds.

Let go of me.

Hey, she didn't mean it, Elaine.

She didn't mean it.

I meant it.

Take it easy.

How was work today, darling?

[VOICE SQUEAKING]
Oh, it's... the usual.

Let's go out for dinner.

Elaine,

the way you've been
spending dough,

I can't afford it.

You can't afford it?

You can't afford anything.

That's because
you've got the brain

of a flea.

Okay.

Danny, Danny, Danny, Danny!

She's a girl.

Easy, fellow.

So...

how do you two guys
like working together?

Oh, it's terrific.
Great.

Sure, one's got a flea brain,

and the invisible man's
got none at all.

[LETS OUT A WHOOP]

Easy, easy.

Darling, she's a girl.

[SQUEALS]

You through with that?

Uh-huh...

Uh...

Why don't we just have
some dessert.

It's your favorite, Danny:
chocolate cream pie.

Oh, God, I hope
there's a stomach pump handy.

Take it easy, boys.

Come on, now, we're adults,

and for the time being,

the four of us

are sharing this house together.

We have to learn
to live together.

We have to have respect
for each other.

We're adults.

Sit down.

We really need that.

Why don't you just apply it

directly to your hips?

[LAUGHING]

It's not for me, dear.
It's for you.

[GASPS]

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

You came
all the way up those stairs,

and you don't know why?

Maybe I came up here
because I like to look at you.

To look at me?

Yeah, you're pretty.
No, I'm not pretty.

Sure you are.
No, I'm not.

Hey, you're very pretty.

Listen, you,

if you came up here
intending to r*pe me,

let me tell you right now

it's not going to be
any fun at all,

because I'll spit in your face.

I'll scratch
your eyes out. Hey, hey.

I'll k*ll you
before I let you... Hey...

Yeah, what?

I happen to be a k*ller,
not a r*pist.

Oh, I love it.
A k*ller looks down on a r*pist.

And if I was a r*pist,

let me tell you something,
I wouldn't r*pe you...

But I'm not a r*pist.

Oh, and how come
you wouldn't r*pe me?

Because I'm not pretty?

No, you are pretty.
You're very pretty.

Why would you think
that you're not pretty?

Because
when I was a little girl,

I was fat and I had buck teeth.

I looked like a blowfish...

And it doesn't matter
what anyone says

or how I look or what I do.

I still feel like

a fat little funny-looking
-year-old girl.

That's funny.

That's not a bit funny.

No, but that's how I feel.

Like a fat little
-year-old girl?

No, like a puny, little,
skinny little -year-old.

You see, when I was a kid,

I had
all these terrible allergies.

I had asthma and
hayfever and hives.

You name it,
I was allergic to it.

I spent my whole childhood
just trying to get a breath,

and I was
real sickly looking too.

The kids used to call me Worm
and b*at me up.

Oh...

When I was ,
I changed my name to Dutch.

They still called me Worm.
It used to make me so mad.

And so you became a k*ller.

What are you, crazy?
I was .

Oh, yeah.

Worm...

Can you imagine that,
being called Worm?

Well, listen, they used
to call me Butterball.

[CHUCKLES]

They called you Butterball?
Mm-hmm.

Everyone except Corinne.

She used to call me Lardo.

Butterball...

[LAUGHS]

I think that's kind of cute.

That is not a bit cute.

[LAUGHS]

How you doing, Butterball?

Knock it off, Worm.

I can't believe I'm sitting here

laughing with a k*ller.

I can't believe I'm sitting here

laughing with a rich girl.

Well... You're really very nice.

So are you...

And you're very pretty.

No.

It's too bad I'm not a r*pist.

Oh, Burt.

I know, Mary, I know.

Three meals a day.

I know.

That's meals a week.

I know, Mary.

I wonder how many meals a year
that is.

.

BOB: Chuck.

BOB: Chuck!

Bob, I have a date.

Now, go back to bed
and don't wait up, okay?

I'm going with you.

You're not going.
Yes, I am.

Look, Bob. Wait a minute, Bob.

No more.

We have been through this
how many times?

You know what I think?

I think it stinks,
that's what I think.

Come on, Bob.

Now, look,

if you had the date,
I wouldn't go with you.

I mean, I just want
to be alone with her.

You'll be alone.
I won't say a word.

I just want to see the movie.

Gee, I got all dressed up
and everything.

Chuck, Chuck, go. I can babysit.

Hey, thanks, Dad.

Yeah, okay, fine, fine,

don't take me
with you tonight...

Yeah, yeah.

And I don't go with you

to the audition tomorrow.

Come on, Bob.

I mean, that could be
a big break for us.

No, you want to be alone.

Well, you can be
alone there too.

We'll just see

how your career takes off.

Okay, okay, okay, you can come.

Yeah?

Yeah, but this time,
keep your hands off her.

Burt,

do you think Chuck might need
some professional help?

No, no, no, no, no,

I just think
he's got to discipline Bob more.

That's all.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, my God, they're back.

Oh, Jodie.
How you doing, fellow?

Fine, great. Hiya, Ma.

Hello, honey.
How are you?

Fine, terrific,
never felt better in my life.

You know, I felt so good,
I had to drive up and say hello.

You've got a problem.

Boy, do I have a problem.

Well... you know,
you two guys talk, you know...

No, Burt, it's okay,
you can stay,

but please, no cracks, huh?

I mean, this is serious.

What is it?

Carol's pregnant,
and I'm the father.

[STIFLED WHOOP]

[CHEERING]

I knew it, I knew it!

I knew he wasn't a pansy.

Look at this guy now.
Look at him!

Burt,
this doesn't mean I'm not gay.

Jodie, please, what it means is

you're good at it.

The first time, she's pregnant.

It's beginner's luck.

How about this man?
Look at him here.

Mary, he made a girl pregnant.

Well, I must say,

it wasn't something
I expected from you.

From Danny, yes, but you...

Yeah, I know,

but I don't know
what to do about it.

You just do it a few more times,

you'll be hooked.

It's like pretzels.

Burt, this is serious.

Burt, Carol is pregnant.
I'm in love with Dennis.

Aww...

This is not the perfect match.
I mean...

Mom, what do I do?

I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, when you were ,
and you came home from day camp

because Perry Miller
was splashing you,

I could say, "Splash back,"

but this...

How can I tell you how to spend
the rest of your life?

I have no frame of reference
for this.

I know.

There are not a lot of books
written on the subject.

Who'd want to read them?

I'm going to get some coffee.

Oh, Jodie, I'm sorry.

I don't mean to let you down.
I love you.

I wish I had an answer.

It's okay, Ma,
really, it's okay,

and your answers
aren't so hot anyway, lady.

If you remember,

when I splashed Perry Miller,
he broke my nose.

He did.

Hi.

Hi.

Were you sitting there
watching me?

Yeah, I guess.

Oh, I look terrible.

I look so awful in the morning.

No, you don't.
You look pretty.

No, I don't.

Sure you do.
You look real pretty.

You've got real pink cheeks,

and your eyes are real sparkly.

You look very pretty.

Your breath
just smells a little.

Oh...

That's just because

I haven't brushed my teeth.

You know, listen.

I'm sorry about last night.

I'm really sorry.

You're sorry?

Yeah, I shouldn't have,
I really shouldn't have.

I mean, I ain't got no business

being with a girl like you.

You're used to

a whole different class of guy.

It was the best ever,

with you.

Well, that's because

you probably haven't been
with a guy before

that hasn't seen a woman
in two years.

Where are you going?

Back to the basement.

Oh, don't go.

What do you want with me?

I like you.

Come on.

I do.

You like me?

Get out of here.

I do.

Well, if you like me,
I guess I can't be all bad.

You're not bad.

Will I see you tonight?

I don't think so.

Why?

Eunice, I'm wanted in states.
states!

I ain't got no future,

and if I ain't got no future,

I don't want you
to start being special to me.

Am I special to you?

Am I?

Go brush your teeth.

Well, Mary, tell me, what is it?

I mean,
you sounded positively frantic

over the phone.

You won't believe it.

You will absolutely not believe
what is going on in my life.

This is big.

Big?

Oh, Mary,
you don't know what big is,

because, of course,

you don't know what's going on
in my life.

What?

That Corinne is
marrying a priest?

Corinne?

Oh, that is nothing.

Well, what is it?

No, Mary,

you tell me yours first,

because after I tell you mine,
you will not be able to talk.

Okay, but put
your cup down first.

Otherwise, you will
spill your tea.

Jodie is going to be a father.

Dennis is pregnant?

No! Carol.

Oh,

because if it was Dennis,
you're right, that's big.

He got a girl pregnant.

My gay son
is going to be a father.

That's your news?

You don't think that's big news?

No, that's news.

I think that's news,

not big news, but news.

Not big news?

Not compared to mine.

Oh, really?

Get ready, Mary.

I'm ready, I'm ready.

Mary,

what do you think that I have

in my basement?

A thing.

Your big news is about a thing?

No, Mary, not a thing.

Well, what is it?

Two K*llers.

Jessica,
what are you talking about?

"Two K*llers."

Two K*llers, Mary.

I mean, I have two K*llers
in my basement.

Who are they?

Well, Chester is one of them,
but Dutch is the other one.

You mean they came here?

Yes, Mary, they're hiding out,

and Dutch said
if we went for help,

he'd k*ll us.

You're kidding.
Uh-uh.

Jessica, that's awful.

You see, I told you.
Mine's bigger.

Well, I don't know
if it's bigger, Jessica.

It's awful...

But I don't know if it's bigger.

Two K*llers, Mary.

I mean, I think two K*llers

is bigger than a gay guy
and one pregnant girl.

Yeah, I guess it's bigger.

Although, yours is big.

Of course it's big.

It's just not bigger.

I would have had you
if it had been Dennis.

Ma, it's not your fault.

Oh, Corinne, I'm sorry.

I...I mean,

I wanted to give you
a wonderful wedding,

and now your very own father

can't even be here.

Ma, it's all right.

I wonder,

do you think it's too late

to have the reception
down in the basement?

Oh, Corinne,

it's so hard to know what to do

when there's an escaped prisoner

in the family.

Sorry.

Ma,

all I want is to marry Tim,

and it's finally going
to come true.

I'm happy, Ma,

and if you gave me
the most elaborate,

the fanciest wedding
in the whole world,

it couldn't make me any happier.

Oh, I love you, Corinne.

I love you.

I love you too, Ma.

I know.

I'll wave to you.

Okay.

[ORGAN MUSIC BEGINS]

Well, you're about ready?

Yeah.

How does it feel
to break your word?

What?

Don't your remember?

You told me
when you were years old

that you'd never get married,
not in a million years.

Did I really say that?

Yeah.

It was all on account of a fight
you'd had with Tommy Gibbs.

You and he
had made some lemonade,

and when the fight started,

he ran home,
and you gave me his share,

but what I remember most
about it was...

we sat on the porch
and drank lemonade,

and you called me
your best friend.

Oh, Benson... You are.

You really are.

Oh, my gosh.

Who is that?

That's Mrs. Flotsky.
That's Tim's mother.

We never thought
she'd come to the wedding.

This is wonderful.
Tim will be so happy.

[ORGAN MUSIC TEMPO QUICKENS]

Father Tim, what
are you doing here?

I'm getting married.
Didn't you know, Father?

You mean priests can marry now?

No, Father,
I'm no longer a priest.

Oh. I thought
it seemed too good to be true.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

And now,
if the father of the bride

could please take his place

with the other guests...

Excuse me.

[WHISPERS]

Oh, will the best friend
of the bride

please take his place
with the other guests,

yes.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here
in the sight of God

to join this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

If any person
can show just cause

why they may not
lawfully be joined together,

let him now declare it

or forever hold his peace.

And now, if the groom...

"Just cause?!"
I'll give you just cause.

What right does that bimbo have
to take my son's life

and turn it into garbage?

Oh,
you could have been a bishop,

at least, by now,

if it weren't for this tramp,

or maybe even a cardinal.

Ma...

There should be laws
against you.

You're a terrible,
terrible person.

Yes you are. Terrible!

There be no just cause.

Let us proceed.

Tim...

do you take Corinne,
here present,

to be your lawful wife

according to the right

of the holy church of God?

I do, Father.

[♪]

Will Danny and Elaine

ever have a relationship
that works?

Will Chuck
ever have a relationship

with Bob around?

What will be left
of Burt and Mary's relationship

living with Danny and Elaine
and Chuck and Bob?

What kind of a relationship

could Eunice and Dutch
ever have?

Will Tim's relationship
with his mother

destroy his relationship
with Corinne?

What kind of relationship
can Chester and Jessica have

with Chester
living in the basement

and Jessica living upstairs?

These questions and many others
will be answered

on next's week episode of...

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]