02x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

In last week's episode of Soap,

Dutch and Chester
were discovered

hiding from the police
in the Tate basement.

Dutch, to prevent the Tates
from going for help,

told them he'd k*ll Chester
if they did.

They didn't.

Corinne and Tim had a wedding...

during which

Mrs. Flotsky tried
to prevent their marriage.

She couldn't.

Jody told Burt and Mary
that he's going to be a father.

He told Burt to be serious.

Burt wasn't.

And Dutch went up
to Eunice's bedroom.

He said he didn't have anything
on his mind,

but did.

Eunice thought
about preventing it...

But didn't.

Confused?

You won't be...

after this week's episode of...

Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yoo-hoo.
May I come in?

Sure, Ma.

Oh, Corinne,

it was such a lovely wedding,

and you were
the most beautiful bride

I've ever seen.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

And Tim was so handsome.

It just couldn't
have been nicer.

It's just a shame

Bob got so drunk and hit Chuck.

Oh, Corinne, uh...

living with your husband

is going to be a lot different
than living here.

Oh, I know that, Ma.

I mean, for example,
Benson won't be there.

I know that, Ma.

You'll be living with a man.

I don't care
what Gloria Steinem says,

men expect certain things,
you know.

Ma, I know this, really.

I'm not sure that you do.

I mean, I remember when
I first married your father,

I was very surprised.

First of all,

I was surprised
that any human being

could take that long
in the bathroom.

And, secondly,
I was very surprised

because mother told me
that on my wedding night

I was expected to...

Ma, I know these things, really.

Remember? I lived with a man.

Oh, yes, that's right. You did.

Oh, well, then I guess

you know all about everything

you're supposed to know about.

Yep.

Good. I'm so glad.

Because I didn't have
an idea in the world

how I could explain it to you.

You know, when I look back now
on my life with your father,

I can see all the places
that we ran aground.

Well, I wanted to tell you
about them

so you could avoid them.

But I realized
that all those dangerous places,

all the rocks in your marriage,

are going to be
in different spots

at different times.

There isn't any way

for me to warn you about them.

But, you know, Corinne,
whatever does happen in life

is not nearly so bad
when it's put into words.

I guess the best thing
I can tell you

is just talk to each other, hmm?

Corinne?

Mm?

Be happy.

I will, Ma.

Good.

[CHESTER MAKING KISSY NOISES]

[LOUD WHISPER] Chester?

[KISSY NOISES CONTINUE]

Chester?

Where are you?

[LOWERED VOICE] I'm over here.

Oh.

I heard him rustling
around these boxes

earlier this evening.

If he's lost or hurt,

I'll never forgive myself.

Do you mean Dutch, dear?

Because if you do,
I think he's upstairs.

No. Arnold.

Arnold?

He's a rat.

A rat?

Yes.

I met him last week,
over there behind the furnace.

Oh, Jess, sometimes I feel

like he's the only friend
I've got left.

You...
you don't mean

a rat, like, an actual rat?

Well, Arnold
is a very special rat.

Well, I guess he is
if he told you his name.

Jessica, I named Arnold myself.

[GASPS]

And I taught him all kinds
of little special tricks.

For instance, I'll set out
a piece of cheese,

and sooner or later,

he'll creep out and eat it.

[IMITATES RAT MUNCHING]

It's usually when
I'm asleep, of course...

but... but, still,
isn't that wonderful?

I'm also teaching him
to, uh, scurry off.

Scurry off?

That's right.

All I have to do

is clap my hands like this,

and he scurries off.

And I'm also trying to teach him

to come when I call him.

Let me give it a try.

[MOANING]

Don't you think
it would work better, dear,

if you just said, "Here, Arnold,
here, Arnold"?

Jess, I wasn't calling him.

It was something else.

It was some kind of an att*ck.

Oh, Chester...
An att*ck?

Oh, it only lasts
a second or two.

No, you mustn't worry.

It's probably just,
uh... tension.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

Chester... it's because
of this m*rder of yours.

I thought no good
would come of it.

Look at us,
for example, Chester.

How long has it been

since we had a normal
married life?

Jessica, I'm an escaped convict

who's not allowed
out of his own basement

because I'm at the mercy
of a k*ller.

Well...

"Well..."

don't you think that,
in some small way,

might have an effect
upon our domestic life?

Chester, I love you.

Why don't we spend
the night together

in our bedroom?

Oh, Jess, I'm sorry.

I really am.

It's just that...

Everything that's going on,

I just can't...
you know?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you want this down here

or upstairs in the bedroom
or what?

No, Benson, I...

I guess you might as well
leave it down here.

You see, darling, I thought
it would be really nice

if we shared a bottle
of your favorite wine together.

Oh, Jess, I just wish

I deserved all the kindness
you've shown me.

[MUTTERING] So do I.

You've just been so nice.

Look out, look out!

[SPLAT]

I got that mother...

That was Arnold.

Tim?

Uh, it's our wedding night,

and you've been in there
for over minutes.

Are you all right?

Well, sure.

I'm just setting up
the courtesy coffee

so it'll be all ready

first thing in the morning.

I don't think we have to worry
about coffee, Tim.

Besides, I've already
ordered champagne.

Okay, I'll be right there.

I just want to rinse out

a few things.

Tim, I think this is serious.

I think you should come out now.

Good night.

You're a little nervous,
aren't you?

Me?

Don't be crazy.

Why would I be nervous?

Good.

Boy, this is some view,
isn't it?

I wonder how many miles
you can see.

Tim, we're only on
the second floor.

Look, I can understand

if you're a little uneasy.

But you must have
known all along

that this would be
part of our marriage...

hopefully.

Well, I thought
I could handle it

when the time came,
but now I'm not so sure.

But it's not something
you do alone.

It's something we do together...

hopefully.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That must be room service.

Can you get it?

Sure. Coming.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Will that be all, sir?

Yes.

Father Flotsky!

It's me... Orville.

Oh, right... Orville.

Listen, Father,

the reason you haven't
seen me at mass

is I'm working Sundays.

It's okay.

And I... I want you
to know,

ever since my last confession,

I have completely
given up the twins.

[STAMMERS]

Hiya.

I don't believe it.

You don't understand.

This is my wife.

And you made me
give up the twins.

Don't worry about it.

Come on, let's have a drink.

All right.

To us.

Do you feel better?

Uh-huh.

Good.

How much better?

A little bit better?

No, a lot better.

Definitely a whole lot better.

In fact, I feel better now

than I ever did
in my entire... oh...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Aw, no!

Hello?

Mother?

att*ck?
What sort of an att*ck?

Ma, be reasonable.

You're not dying.

It's our wedding night.
Of course she's here.

[ALARM CLOCK BUZZING]

[ALARM STOPS]

Burt...

Time to get up.

[GROANS]

Seven of my men
are gonna be off today

because it's a Jewish holiday,

and I'm gonna have
to do all their jobs.

Burt, could I talk to you

before you go?

You know what kills me

is I don't think
they're all Jewish...

two of them are black,
and one's an Indian.

Darling, I really need
to talk to you.

We'll talk tonight, Mary.

I got a big day ahead or me.

Well, at least
you're gonna have a day.

I'm not gonna have any day
at all.

Is that a riddle, Mary?

Because if it is,
it's much too early for that.

I have no life, Burt.

I have nothing to do all day.

Now the kids are grown,

and you're hardly ever home
to dinner,

and there's, uh,
no laundry to do

and nothing to clean.

No beds to make.

Nothing.

I could be sloppier.

I tell you what, you know, Mary,

when I come home tonight,
I'll mess up the house.

You know, Mary,
right now I can't talk

or else I'll be late.

Oh, you won't be late, Burt.

I set the alarm ahead
a half an hour.

It's only : .

Burt...

I need to talk to you.

Mary, I need to sleep.

I want to go to school, Burt.

Mary, it's :
in the morning.

School's closed.

I'm serious.

I want to go to college.

I want to study English.

Why?

I think you speak it very well.

Are you against me going?

Well...

Why? Why?

Because I don't
want you to feel bad.

Why should I feel bad?

When you fail, you'll feel bad.

I won't fail.

You might.

I won't.

I know.

That's just the problem, Mary.

You're gonna get smart.

I'm not gonna get smart, Burt.

Yeah, you will.
You'll get smart.

And then you'll get too smart
for me.

You'll learn all those things

I don't know,

and you'll start using big words
when you talk,

like... like, uh...

"notwithstanding"
and "heretofore."

I won't understand any of that,

and then you're gonna find out
how really dumb I am

and you'll leave me
for somebody smart

who you can talk with
about philosophy.

Oh, Burt.

It'll happen, Mary.

You're so dumb.

See? It's starting
already.

Burt...

I'm not gonna get smart
and leave you.

First of all,
you're the smartest man I know,

and second of all, I love you.

I want to go to school, Burt.

I'll feel more like a person.
I'll feel better.

And if I feel better,
it'll be better for us.

You really think I'm smart?

Oh...

The smartest man you ever met?

Listen, Mary,
I got minutes left.

No sense going back to sleep.

You're so smart.

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, Danny.

Whoa!

Ooh!
Oh, ho, ho!

She really picked up
speed there, huh?

Yeah, especially
towards the end.

Still, it's amazing

the way it knocked that horse

right out from under that cop.

He's okay, though.
He's just stunned.

The cop?

No, the horse!

See? He's up now,

and he's eating my apple.

Hey, look, the cop is up too.

Oh, he's down again.

[SIGHS]

Come on, Danny,

Danny, what's the matter?

Believe me, stories up

is not a good place
to be depressed.

Ah, it's Elaine.

Every day, it's more
and more shopping.

She's charging up a storm.

I'll tell you,

you can't believe
how much I'm in debt.

[SHRIEKING]

You got to be more careful.

Anyway, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

She's not the kind of girl

that settles for second best,

and she's got this idea

that nothing's too good for her.

There's no end in sight.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

What if you agree with her?

Only more so.

Hey, the same thing happened

in some musical...
uh, Oklahoma.

No, that wasn't it.
Showboat.

No. No, no.
Carousel.

Oh, boy.

You know, I really
love musicals.

The only one that
ever disappointed me

was Cabin in the Sky.

But that was my fault,
because I thought

it was gonna be a musical

about the construction industry.

Burt, you said you had some idea

of how I could handle Elaine.

I'd really appreciate it

if you'd tell me what
you think I should do.

Danny, Kiss Me, Shrew.

Kiss your what?

Not my what.
Kiss Me, Shrew.

It's a very famous
musical by Shakespeare.

It'll work for you, Danny.

I know it's gonna work for you.

See, in this story,
this guy's got,

oh, a terrible wife.
Yeah?

And he keeps her in line.

He comes in...

Whoa! Look out!

You're gonna love it.

Well, you can bet
I'll save this ribbon.

Oh!

You shouldn't have!

A turtle!

You like it?

I love him.

Woodle-woodle
woodle-loo!

I'll put him back here
so he can play.

Oh, Chester, you know
the nice thing about a turtle

is that that's something
everyone can use

but seldom goes out
to buy for himself.

Uh... thank you
for your gifts too.

You're welcome, Daddy.

Please, don't mention it.

Also, I had eye
on a spider for you

over there behind the stairs,

but he turned out to be dead,

and I didn't want
to bring back bad memories.

All right, I did what you asked,

so I just hope
I've heard the last of it.

You gave Arnold a proper burial?

Sort of.

What do you mean, sort of?

Well, it was more like
a burial at sea.

Flushed him down the toilet.

Colonel...

I understand you recently
lost a valued rodent.

And I thought
the companionship of Sigmund

might be of some solace.

Who's Sigmund?

A gallant Doberman
I liberated from the Nazis

during our push to the Rhine.

Now, despite his ancestry,

I think you'll find him
a devoted and loyal patriot.

Come, Sigmund.

Sigmund, come!

Heel.

Stay!

Sigmund, your new master.

Well, Daddy, at least

you don't have to worry
about fleas.

No.

Oddly enough,
in his sunset years,

he seems to be more bothered
by moths.

Daddy...

Nonetheless,
he has still retained

his basic knowledge
of simple commands.

Sigmund, lie down.

Lie down!

Good boy.

Words fail me.

All I can say is...

[MOANING]

What, Chester?

Landed right on the turtle.

Hey, his breathing sounds bad.

This could be serious.

Oh, dear.

Well, I... I...
I'd better call an ambulance.

No, that's no good.

They find out
he's been hiding here,

you'll all be in trouble
for harboring a fugitive.

Well, Dutch, we have
to do something!

I know.

Wait a minute.

Benson, you and the major
take him out the back way,

around to the front
of the house.

Then if anybody asks
what happened,

say he rang the doorbell
and passed out on the doorstep.

Okay, good idea.

Give me a hand here.

Oh, dear, I...
I'm going to call

the ambulance.

I got to get out of here.

The cops'll be swarming
all over this place

as soon as
they identify your dad.

Let me come with you.

Are you crazy?
It's too dangerous.

I don't want to be without you.

Listen...

I can't make any promises,
but after this calms down,

I'll try to come back
and see you.

Really? Will you?

I'll try.

But I don't know how long
it'll take.

Goodbye, Dutch.

Be careful.

So long, sweetheart.

[GASPS] Ew!

Ah, they're not gonna buy it.

This doesn't look natural.

What do you mean?

Well, the story is,

he rang the doorbell
and then collapsed.

This looks like
he settled down for a nap.

Give me a hand here.

Let's get him up.

[SIREN WAILING]

Oh, dear!
You'd better hurry.

Yeah, this'll make it
look more real.

Let's get him over here
by the door.

Billy, put his finger
on the doorbell there.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Isn't that strange?

It sounds as if
he's perfectly fine.

Now, I'm gonna count to three.

Now, when I do,
everybody move away.

One... two... three.

Yeah, that looks natural.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Does Burt really have a plan
to change Elaine?

Does it involve surgery?

Is Chester seriously ill?

Or is he just upset
about Arnold?

Will Sigmund
ever be housebroken?

Will Dutch and Eunice
get together again?

Will Corinne and Tim
get together?

What will the police do
when they discover

Chester's been taken
to the hospital?

Will they have to wait
for visiting hours

to arrest him?

These questions and many others

will be answered
on next week's episode of...

Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]