02x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

In last week's episode of Soap,

Chester's brain surgery proved
he wasn't responsible

for Peter's m*rder.

Ordinarily, this would
have made Chester happy.

But Chester
doesn't remember the m*rder,

Peter, or even himself.

Jodie told Dennis
that Carol is pregnant

and he's responsible,

and that he asked her
to marry him

because that would be
the responsible thing to do.

Danny decided to drop his plan
to change Elaine,

as it might k*ll her.

And he doesn't
want to be responsible.

Confused?

You won't be after
this week's episode of... Soap

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate,

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells.

And this is Soap.

[ARGUING, SHOUTING]

Oh, Chester, how wonderful!

Up and around already.

Oh, red hair. I love redheads.

See how much better
he is, Mrs. Tate?

He remembers your hair color.

Now, I can't tell you
my wife's hair color.

The man has more of
his marbles than I do.

[LOUDLY]
How are you, Mr. Tate?

Fine. Just fine.

But the lamb chops were fatty.

Lamb chops?

Oh, no, it's a common mistake.

He thinks I'm a butcher.

So do I.

Intern...

are you here to take me
to therapy?

I'm not an intern.
I'm your son.

My son's a doctor.

Dad, it's me, Billy.

Billy. I'm not a doctor.

Well, I want you to know

the family is very
disappointed in you.

Darling, you'll
be coming home soon.

Won't that be nice?

With you?

Yes.

[SLY CHUCKLE]

This is nice.
I like her.

Great balombas.

[SQUEALS] Ah, isn't he fun!

Excuse me. I have
a surgery to perform.

I hope it's not a vasectomy.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, I'm here.
What's the surprise?

Well,
it isn't really a surprise.

Maybe a little surprise.
It's not a great big surprise.

Carol. Just tell me.

I've decided to marry you.

Really?

What a surprise.

That's a...
that's a great surprise.

I'm... I'm really glad.

Well, now, um...
I have another surprise

that maybe isn't
really a surprise.

It's uh...

Carol...

Just tell me.

Well,
my father just came into town,

and I thought, you know,
that since he's here,

we should, uh, tell him.

We?

Well, Daddy's
kind of overprotective.

Um, he's always thought of me
as his princess,

so I thought you could tell him.

Wonderful.

I have to tell him

that the princess
is gonna marry the queen.

He already knows you're gay.

Oh...

No, I told him that
when we moved in together

so he wouldn't worry.

Oh, it's gonna be so easy.

Easy? Carol...

Here he is.

Princess!
Hiya, Daddy.

You must be Jodie, huh?

[LOW VOICE]
Nice to meet you, Mr. David.

Hey.

Please call me Boomer.

[NORMAL VOICE] Boomer?

Yeah. It's just an old nickname

when I played fullback at Duke.

Nothing could stop me.

Hey. Scotch, neat.

How's my princess?

Just fine, Daddy.

I call her princess.

Yeah, I noticed.

Well, Daddy,

I have something
that I want to tell you.

Oh, sure, princess.

I'm, uh...

[STAMMERING]

What she's trying to say is,
we're gonna be married.

You two?

Yeah.

[WHISPERING]
I thought he was, uh...

I am.

Well, it doesn't
seem to make a lot of sense.

Oh, well, yes, it does.

You see, because I'm pr...

Huh?

We're...

[STAMMERING]

The princess is pregnant,
Boomer.

Pregnant?

Well, Jodie,
that's very noble of you.

But, uh, what about the guy
that's responsible?

Where's he?

You?!

Mr. David, for what it's worth,

I'm gonna be
a very good husband and father.

You'll never have
to worry about Carol.

Well, thanks, Jodie.
I appreciate that.

It's, uh, just that
it's a bit of surprise.

In my day,
things were a little different.

But the most important thing
is Carol's happiness,

what she wants.

If she's happy, I'm happy.
That's all I care about.

Oh, thank you, Daddy.

Excuse me,
Mr. Dallas,

there's a phone call for you.

Oh, thank you.
I'll be right back...

Boomer.

All right, uh...

All right.
Let me tell you something.

If you ever bring
that f*gg*t around,

I'll knock his teeth
down his throat.

Well, Daddy,
if that's the way you feel,

then why did you say
the things you did?

Well, a person has to be civil.

Here.

What's this for?

To wear. They're
your clothes.

You're giving them back to me?

Yeah.
It's a trick.

You want me to put 'em on
so you can rip them off again.

No. No, it's not a trick,
Elaine.

I don't want to do that anymore.

So what's your plan now,
to k*ll me?

I don't have any more plans,
Elaine.

I'm giving up.

What does that mean?

It means
I don't know what to do.

There's one thing I do know,

and that's
I can't go on like this.

Of course, I don't have
a lot of happy choices.

Being with you has been m*rder

and leaving you
would literally be m*rder,

so I don't know.

It's that awful, huh?

It's that awful being with me.

It sure has been.

And the thing is
that there was a time

when I had the feeling
it didn't have to be.

Once, I think you had a day

when you were nice...

just...
just a nice, normal lady,

and I really enjoyed you.

In fact, I thought we had

great possibilities.

But then, the next day,

you were spitting food at me
and calling me "yutz."

I don't hate you, Danny.

Well, you sure give
the best damn impression of it

I've ever seen.

I know.

Well, why do you
do that, Elaine?

Why do you treat people
that way?

It's a long story.

I got time.

I had a sister once...

who was a couple of years older
than me.

Her name was Diana.

[SIGHS]
She was bright and beautiful,

and good and kind.

She was one of those people

who made everybody around her
feel good.

When she was ,

she was k*lled
in a car accident.

The night she d*ed,
my father, in his grief,

said to me,
"Why wasn't it you?"

So, uh, my mother was dead
and my sister was dead...

and my father,

who I loved more
than anyone else in this world,

wished I was dead.

And I got angry.

I got angry, cold, mean...

And I decided then

never to love anybody
ever again.

Oh, Elaine, I didn't know.

I love you, Danny.

And maybe, someday,
if it's not already too late,

you'll love me.

[♪]

Hi.

Hey, what are
you doing down here?

I was waiting up for you.
I guess I didn't make it.

Is something wrong?

No, no.

I just wanted to see you.

I haven't seen you
for three days.

Three days! Mary, come on.

You saw me this morning.

This morning I saw you

as you were leaving the bathroom

and I was entering.

You said, "Good morning.

We're out
of toilet paper."

You're never here.
You're always working.

Come on.
Hey, I'm building a future.

This is for us, kiddo. For you.

So you can have everything
you ever dreamed of,

like a bigger house, huh?

Don't you want a bigger house?

No, I don't want a bigger house.

Mary, go back to sleep.
I'll talk to you in the morning.

I never met anybody who doesn't
want a bigger house.

I don't!

I couldn't care less
about those things.

When did you ever hear me say

I wanted a bigger house?

All I want is you.

You got me.
You got me.

I just want you
to have everything.

My friend, Margo,
has everything.

Her husband built an empire,

and she has everything.

Except her husband, of course.

You know how happy she is?

She starts the day

with Cocoa Puffs and vodka.

By : , she's
forgotten her name.

Burt, I have everything I want

and everything I need

right here with you.

I also need to do it for me.

That's something else.

I need to know I can do it.

My father never did it.

He tried and never did it.

He was a short man.

You know, not more than ' "...

a little guy
with gigantic dreams.

He always figured
if he couldn't be tall,

he could be big.

Well, he was neither.

He had to watch his kids grow up
on potatoes.

I'm lucky I got a tooth
in my head here.

We never had enough to eat,
or rooms of our own.

He was a beaten man.

He always... He always looked
like something was hurting.

Even when he smiled,
he looked like something hurt.

I don't want to be my father,
Mary.

Every time I look in the mirror,

I'm afraid I'm gonna see his...

hurt and scared little smile
on my face.

I need to do it for me.

You're gonna keep doing it?

I gotta, Mare.

Come on.
What're you thinking?

Well, I'm thinking,
yes, I understand you...

and yes, I see what you mean.

I am also thinking
that tomorrow,

when you're driving home

and some drunk jumps
the center divider

and you wind up dead,

you will have spent

the last days and nights
of your life

working.

I'm also thinking that.

Well, that's the last time
I ask you what you're thinking.

It's late.
Let's go to sleep.

[SIGHS]

I love you.

I know.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hello, Mary.

My goodness, what is that?

[GASPS]

It's my famous
apple walnut coffee ring.

I made it for Chester.
It's his favorite.

Oh, that's so
generous of you, Mary.

Do you think Chester
will remember

it's his favorite?

So, what's going on
with you three?

Well, Eunice is depressed,

and Corinne is depressed.

And I was just debating

whether or not to join them.

Sounds like fun.

Actually, I think
I've been depressed

quite a lot lately.

I mean, I eat a lot,

and I just simply
cannot sit still.

I don't think
you're depressed, Ma.

I think you're horny.

What is "horny"?

What you feel like
when you're not having any sex.

Horny?

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHING]

What a funny word.

Well, actually,
I am not having any sex

because
Chester's in the hospital,

but Mary...

I don't think not having sex
could make me eat a lot.

Wrong! I have been
eating like a pig.

Burt can't again?

No, he can, but he's never home.

Oh.

I've gained six pounds
since my wedding.

That makes no sense at all.

Well, when Tim's mother d*ed,
so did our sex life.

I've gained five pounds
since Dutch left.

Dutch!

You and Dutch?!

Eunice, he's a criminal.

Oh, you're gonna lecture me,
Mrs. Fallen Priest!

Mary, look. We've
eaten all the nuts.

You know,
I'd love a piece of that.

No. Now, Corinne,
that's for Daddy.

Oh, just one piece.

Well, look, since it's a ring,

I could cut out one piece
and then put it together.

I love sex.

So do I.

Well, actually...

I think it's pretty
wonderful too,

but I'm not entirely
sure I should.

Mary, could I have
just a little piece of that?

You see, our mother
never told us

that it would be pleasant.

No, what mother said was...

that it was required,
like going to school had been,

and that the best thing to do

was close your eyes
and make out your grocery list.

And she also said
that if you were really lucky,

your husband
would have a mistress,

and then the mistress would
get stuck with it.

What a terrible way to live.

Well, Corinne,
that was a long time ago,

before they discovered
sex wasn't filth.

It took you a long time
to tell me that sex was nice.

That's because you knew
before I did.

I like it in the morning.

I think the earliest
I ever had it was noon.

I don't think that
could be counted

as the morning.

Burt likes it
in the morning too.

I don't like the morning
because of all that light.

What, you like it in the dark?

Mm-hmm.

Not me.
You never know who you're with.

I keep track.

What I mean is, it's nice
to see a person's face.

Face?

Well, I like it in another room.

Doesn't that make it
very difficult for both?

No... with him, Jessie.

With him, in another room.

Where?

Oh. The kitchen.

Outside is nice.

Well, I don't think
it really matters

where you do it,
just as long as you do it well.

Burt does it very well.

With my first husband, however,
it was like a news bulletin:

brief, unexpected,
and usually a disaster.

Oh, Mary, look what we've done.

The whole thing.

We almost ate the whole thing.

We couldn't have.

I only had one piece.

Me too.

Well, that's all I had.

Eunice, please, one piece.
You had at least three.

Me? Oh, please.

Your mouth hasn't been empty
for a minute.

Girls! Please, don't fight.

I'll make Chester another.

Oh, good.

Anyway, it's not our fault.
It's theirs.

Whose?

The men.
If we weren't so frustrated,

we wouldn't be eating like this.

That's right.

If I wasn't really so horny,

I wouldn't be
eating this apple ring.

I don't even like
this apple ring.

I think I had six pieces.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Campbell and Son.

Burt.
Yeah.

Look, I know you're busy,
but what I figure is this.

Churches
don't have to pay taxes, right?

Right.

Okay, what we do is,

we put a steeple on top
of this building

that we're building... No taxes.

A steeple on top

of a -story office building,
huh?

Right.

Well, that'd fool 'em.

Yeah, and a bell.
A steeple and a bell.

Steeple and a bell, huh?

Yeah.

That's a good idea.
Yeah?

Yeah, it's really very good.

Yeah, I thought you'd like it.

I'm gonna get right on it.

[RINGS]

Yeah?

[SLAMS PHONE DOWN] Ah!

What's the matter with you?!

Danny,
that's the most idiotic idea

I ever heard.

Danny, hey, come on.

Go home.

You used to stay here

because you didn't
want to go home,

and now you got something nice
to go home to, huh?

Yeah.
So go home.

To Elaine, my wife who I love.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, yeah. I'm going home.

Good night, Sal.

Good night, Danny.

Whoo.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Would you sign this for me,
please?

Yeah. What is it?

A letter of recommendation
to help me find a new job.

What?

I can't stay here.

Sally,
what are you talking about?

You're the best. You're
the most incredible secretary

I've ever had.

Burt, I'm in love with you.

I can't stay here
because I'm in love with you.

No, you're not. You're not.

What you're having is not love.

What you're having here is,
uh, is, uh...

Lust?

Maybe lust. Could be lust.

It sounds like a typical lust,
and lust is not serious.

Lust just lasts
two or three days and...

[SQUEAKS LIPS] it's gone.

I'm ugly. That's it.

You're not ugly.

What are you talking about ugly?

What makes you think
that you're ugly?

Because you don't want me.

Because I'm married.
Not because you're ugly...

which you're not.

Yes, I am.

Sally, please.

If I wasn't married,
I'd be with you in a second.

You would?

Sure.

You're a very desirable person.

No...
Yeah.

Look, come on. You
got very pretty hair...

Oh, thank you.

And your eyes...

You got gorgeous blue eyes.

And, uh...

You got a mouth...

You got a wonderful mouth.

It's, like, a very sensual
mouth and, uh...

Ho! You got legs...

[MUMBLES, STAMMERS]

Ooh, I'm married
here. Help.

Boss, I can't concentrate.
Nights, I can't sleep.

I'm a wreck because I love you.

Sally... Sally. Listen to me.

Listen to me now.

You feel this way right now

because there is
a slight vacuum in your life.

And you want to put me
in there to fill it up.

That's all.

That's it. Come on.

Sally, stay, please. Stay.

Okay, I'll stay.

Good girl!

Whoo-hoo... Whoa!

But if you should
change your mind about us...

Oh, I'll get in touch.

Any time, any place...

Please, I'm yours.

It's good to know.
It's good to know.

[♪]

Will Danny and Elaine
stay in love?

Will love be enough
to keep Burt and Mary together?

Will Sally's love for Burt
ever be fulfilled?

Will the love of his home

help Chester get
his memory back?

Will Jessica, Mary, Corinne
and Eunice

get what they'd love to get?

Or will they just get fat?

These questions and many others

will be answered on next week's
episode of... Soap

[♪]

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.