02x10 - Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

In the last episode of Soap,

Dutch and Eunice decided
to run away together,

since it would be awful
to be separated.

Chester still has
an awful lot of trouble

knowing who he is.

Elaine is no longer being awful,

and therefore,
Danny and Elaine's relationship

is not only no longer awful,

but is actually awful nice.

And even though Burt thinks
Mary cheated on him

with her awful professor

and feels awful,

he feels more awful
that he cheated on her,

and the most awful thing
about all of this is...

Mary didn't cheat
with the awful professor.

Awfully confused?

You won't be after
this week's episode of... Soap.

This is the story
of two sisters,

Jessica Tate,

and Mary Campbell.

These are the Tates...

and these are the Campbells...

And this is Soap.

Don't move or I'll sh**t you.

Don't sh**t, Mrs. Tate.
It's only me, Dutch.

Oh, good,
because I don't have a g*n.

But you're in the wrong room.

Eunice's room is down the roof,
around the eaves,

green organdy curtains.

You can't miss it.

I know. I came to see you.

You see, Eunice and I
are running away together,

and I wanted
to get your blessing.

I know.

Eunice told me.
You're going to live on a farm.

It's so romantic.

[MUMBLING]

Hello, dear.

Hi. How you doing?

What the hell are you doing
in my wife's bedroom?

Well, I just came by...
I don't care.

Get out.
The both of you.

My wife will drop dead
if she sees you in her bed.

Chester, I am your wife.

Is everything okay?

I'm almost ready.

Who is she?

That's Eunice.

Does she belong to you?

Yeah, kind of.

Good. Then get her
out of here.

I'll just go get a few things.

I may not remember anything,

but one thing
I am pretty sure of...

bedrooms are not supposed
to be this crowded.

Mrs. Tate?
Yes?

I want you to know

that I'll take really
good care of Eunice.

I know you're not too thrilled,

her running away
with a k*ller, but...

Aw, listen.
I'm married to a k*ller.

Still, I don't think

that this is what
you had in mind

for your daughter.

Well, I guess not, but...

Dutch, tell me.

Did you really k*ll a man?

Yeah.

Dead? You sh*t him dead?

That's usually what happens
in a successful k*lling.

Of course.

You see, what happened is

that when I got out of the Navy,

I borrowed some money
to go into business.

The banks all turned me down
for a loan,

so I went
to a local loan company.

They gave me $
at a very high rate of interest.

And the first week,

when I couldn't
come up with the dough,

they broke my fingers.

The second week,

they broke my nose and two ribs
and my knee.

Plus, the guy
that was b*ating me up

had a very bad cold,

so I ended up
with a terrible cough.

The next week,
they was gonna break my head,

but I convinced them not to.

How?

I talked to them for a while,
and then I sh*t them.

Oh, well, I think that should be
considered self-defense.

It was.

But the guy who owned
the loan company

turned out to be
the chief of police.

I'm ready.

Will you take my bags
downstairs?

Okay. You'd better hurry up.
It's getting late.

Okay.

Daddy?

Daddy?

Hmm? What?

Daddy, I'm leaving,

and I wanted to tell you
how much I love you.

Oh.

Daddy...

I've been a very lucky girl,

and you have been
a wonderful father,

and I hate leaving you now.

I wish there was
something I could do

to make things better for you,

but I guess there isn't,
so I guess all I can do

is just let you know
how much I love you.

And get well, Daddy, okay?

I love you. Goodbye.

I want you to know
that was a very touching speech,

and I'd really be moved
if I only knew who you were.

Okay.

Goodbye, Mother.

Goodbye, darling.

I'll write.
I know.

Okay.
Bye-bye.

Our little girl.

She's enormous
for a little girl.

Chester,

what I mean is

I still think of her
as a little girl.

Oh.

She must have been
a very sweet little girl.

She was. Adorable.

It's all lost to me.

All of it.

My past, my present, my future.

It's all gone.

I try...
I try so hard to remember,

and I can't.

I'm so afraid
if I don't remember soon,

you'll have me put away.

You've all been so good to me,
I...

I must have been some guy

to have
such a beautiful bunch of people

love me the way that you do.

Chester...

It's agony...

to know I have
a wonderful son and daughters

and a wife

and not know who they are.

Sometimes, I swear
it's almost too much to bear.

Oh, Chester.

I just know it:
someday, you'll remember.

Remember what?

[GASPS]

Jodie.

Hiya, Ma.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come up
and visit my favorite mother.

How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?
I'm fine.

You sure?
Of course I'm sure.

Are you sure you're sure?

Jodie.

You're not fine.

Jodie, what is this? I'm fine.

Ma, I know what you sound like
when you're fine,

and you have not sounded fine
in days.

I'm fine, Jodie.

I think it's got to be
one of four things.

You're pregnant.
God forbid.

You're having
an affair. Oh, please.

Menopause.
Not yet.

Burt's having an affair.
Breakfast?

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Ma, you've got
to talk to him. Oh, I can't.

Why not?
I'm afraid.

Of what?
Being right.

Ma, it's better to know.
No, it's not.

I don't want to know

he's sleeping with
some young skinny thing.

Maybe he's sleeping with
some old fat thing.

Yeah, at home.

Oh, Ma.

Jodie,

I can't compete.

When I was , I could compete.

Age has taught me
to be philosophical, to accept.

I can't do anything about it,
and I accept it.

There's nothing I can do
except...

hope that whoever she is,
wherever she is,

someone will drive a Kn*fe
right through her heart.

Well, well, well.
Look who's here.

If it isn't the bride to be.

Bob,
why don't you go sit on a drill?

Listen, Mary,
now that Jodie here

has moved out anyway,

I see no reason
why I can't have his room.

Chuck, that's my sewing room.

That's what I told him.

Your sewing room?
Yeah.

You made my room a sewing room?

Well, what did you expect?
A shrine?

Bob, why don't you go upstairs
and watch your feet warp?

Mary, Bob does not
need his own room.

Well, I'm certainly tired
of living with you.

You've got disgusting
personal habits.

You know what he does? He...

[MUFFLED CHATTERING]

Mary, think about
the room, okay?

Good morning, everyone.

Hey, Jessica.

Hmm?

Listen, when I get my own room,

maybe you and, uh...
your two friends

will come and see me.

Hi, Jess. How are you?
What are you doing here?

Well, I've been out
looking for Chester.

He's been missing
since yesterday.

Why didn't you call me?
You must be frantic.

Well, not really.

You see, the other day,

Chester said he needed
his net stockings.

He thinks he's Marlene Dietrich.

And net stockings in his size
may be very hard to find, Mary.

He could be gone for days.

I know a place where he...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Coffee, Jess?

Yes, please.

Well, Jodie.

So you're going
to get married, huh?

Yeah, it, uh...
looks that way.

Isn't that nice.

Yeah.

I guess that means
you're not gay.

No, Aunt Jessica. It doesn't.

Hmm. You know, Jodie,
when we were younger,

there was no such thing
as h*m*.

Yes, there were, Aunt Jessica.

The h*m* go way back
in history.

Who?

Alexander the Great was gay.
Uh, Plato was gay.

Plato?

Mickey Mouse's dog was gay?

Aunt Jessica,
would you be very offended

if I didn't continue
this conversation?

Not at all.

Oh, Mary.

Yes? What, Jess?

Id-day ou-yay ask-ay urt-Bay
about his affair-ay?

What?

Did you ask Burt
about his affair-ay?

No.

Listen, I know you two
mean to be helpful,

but it's my marriage,

and I have to handle this
my own way.

You're right, Mary.
You're absolutely right.

Mickey Mouse had a gay dog?

You didn't know?

First I heard of it.

Yeah. Goofy was his lover.

And so, uh, Sally, I...

I've been doing
a lot of thinking, and...

Well, what I'm trying to say
is...

Sally, you're a terrific girl,
but...

it's over.

You and me. Us. Over.

Sorry.

I can't do it, Sal.
It's making me a nervous wreck.

Look at me.

I put on two different shoes
this morning.

Sally, you...

you'll get over this
really very soon.

You'll see.
Really.

I mean, after all,

we were together only one night,

and I can't even remember
the night.

Of course,
it's different with you.

You were more involved.
You were conscious at the time.

Still, I mean...

what we're talking about here

is a...

maybe a -minute involvement.

Sally, talk to me, please.

Make this a little easier here.

Say something.

You told me you loved me.

Say something else.

You said we'd go away.

What?

To Aruba.

Aruba? I never heard of it.
It sounds like a rash.

You promised.

Maybe you got me confused
with somebody else.

You know, I bet right now,

there's some guy
sitting in Aruba Airlines

wondering where the hell
you are.

You made plans.

And now you tell me it's over,
after all that?

If all I was to you, Burt,
was a one-night stand,

you never had to say
all those things that you said.

Sally, uh, are you crying?

[WAILS]

I guess...
I guess...

Sally, please, don't cry.

I feel so awful.

I feel so cheap and dirty
and awful.

I... I wish
I were dead.

Come on, not dead.

That's just a terrible thing
to wish, "dead."

Sally. Don't be
silly, Sally.

I do. I wish I were dead.

No, no. Take it easy.
Come, sit down.

Sally... It's okay.
It's all right.

It's all right.
Breathe in.

How about a cup of coffee?

Please.

Listen, um...

Sally, um...

You're more than
a one-night stand, okay?

Really.

And I would never do that
to you. Never.

So just forget
everything I said.

Maybe I was a little too hasty.

Maybe I didn't
think things through, and, uh...

So forget what I said
and then take it easy.

It's not over?

No, it's not over. You know...

Let's sleep on it, okay?

Okay.

[SAUCY VOICE] Together?

Together.

Oh, what a joker you are.

[MUMBLES] Say, I'm going to...

You clean up this stuff,
and I'm just going to...

It's working.

Give me a few more weeks.
He'll be a broken man.

Come on, Ma. Sit down.
I made some tea.

Oh, thank you, Corinne.
That's very nice of you.

Don't worry, Ma.

Daddy just forgot
where the house is,

that's all.

No, Corinne. I don't think so.
He's left.

Oh, why would he leave?

Because he knew.

He knew he couldn't remember,
and he felt terrible,

and I didn't know
how terrible he felt

until last night,

and now I feel terrible
because I didn't know,

but I mean, what could I do?

I didn't know,
and now he's left.

We're back.

Nothing.

We covered the parks,
the stores,

and all the movie theaters.

Nothing.

But there's this
movie theater downtown

called the Peekaboo.

You can't believe
what's playing there.

Yeah. And he made me
wait outside.

All the other theaters,

we were in and out of
in two minutes.

We get to the Peekaboo,
He made me wait outside,

and he doesn't come out
for half an hour.

It was very dark in there.
I couldn't see.

I saw things
you wouldn't believe.

Benson, did you have any luck?

Sort of. I didn't find him.

Did the police get here yet?

No, not yet.

Mm. Where's
the major?

Ah, he's not here.

Where is he?
Out.

You let him out?

Well, Benson,
he wanted to help look,

and we thought
it would be a good idea

since he and Chester
think a lot alike these days.

Ah, wonderful. Now I've got
two gumballs to look for.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

You want me to get that?

If you don't mind.

Evening.

Evening.

I'm Deputy Gilmore.
You reported a missing person?

Yes, officer. My husband.

Name?

Jessica Tate.

Funny name for a man.

No, I'm Jessica. He's Chester.

Chester... Tate.

Wait a second.
Wait a second.

Bobby Gilmore?

Yeah.

Bobby "The Chicken" Gilmore?

No!

Yeah.

Benson!
I don't believe it.

It's Benson.

This is Benson.

We know.

Last time I saw you,
you were years old.

You've changed.

Benson, I don't believe it.

Yeah. You,
of all people...

The biggest coward
in the neighborhood.

Yeah, they used to
call him "The Chicken."

Now you're a cop.

That sure makes me feel secure.

Benson. How about that?
It's Benson.

I know.

Uh, Deputy Chicken...

if you don't mind...

Please, about my husband...

Oh, I'm very, very sorry.

Um, missing.

Answers to the name
of Chester Tate.

Also
"Colonel Tate."

A colonel.

No.
He thought he was.

And now he doesn't?

We don't know.
He might.

I see.

He also answers to the name
of "Marlene Dietrich."

And "Gloria Swanson."

I hope they're
paying you well...

because you got a job
on your hands.

Also "Gunga Din."

Huh. Gunga Din.

Ah, let me see
if I've got this right.

Chester Tate,
alias Colonel Tate,

alias Marlene Dietrich,
alias Gloria Swanson,

alias Gunga Din.

And, uh, while you're looking
for the colonel,

you might as well
look for the major.

Major?

Is this a real major

or a "sometime" major,
like the colonel?

He's a real major.

I see.

But not anymore.

Gotcha.

This is a zoo.

You ought to see them eat.

So we're looking for a colonel,
who may or may not be a colonel,

and a major
who used to be a major.

Is that right?

Right.

Damn beast.

I gave him the colonel's shirt.

I gave him the colonel's socks.

You'd think from socks
he'd catch the scent.

He took me to the river,
and he wouldn't budge.

You lost the scent.

Sigmund, heel.

Pick up your feet.

Now you've only got
the colonel to look for.

Is he as bad as the major?

Just about.

You sure you want me
to look for him?

Take your time.

Do you think we're normal?

What do you mean,
do I think we're normal?

We make love all the time.

We don't make love all the time.

Oh, yes, we do.

At least every night.

Do you think other couples
make love that much?

I don't know.
You want to take a poll?

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Hey.

"Hey" what?

What are you going
to do right now?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

are you going
to go to sleep or what?

What do you got in mind?

You want to?

Again?

You don't want to?

I want to. I want to.

[GIGGLES]

I'll be right back.

We are not normal.

We are definitely not normal.

But who wants to be normal?

Thank you, God.

In the last few weeks,

you have made me happier
than in my whole life.

You're really okay.

[GIGGLING] Oh, Danny.
Oh, you letch.

What is this,
your idea of kinky?

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Elaine, if you don't want to,
all you have to do is say so.

You don't have to hide.

Oh, my God.

[♪]

Will Dutch and Eunice
find happiness on a farm?

Or will the police
find them first?

Will Mary tell Burt

she's found out
about his affair?

Will Burt find out
Mary didn't have the affair

he thought he had found her in?

Will Burt find a way
to get rid of Sally?

Or will she find a way
to destroy him?

Will Chester be found?

Does he want to be found?

Who wants to find him?

Will Danny find out
who kidnapped Elaine?

And will they find her?

Find out the answers

to these questions
and many others

on the next episode of...
Soap.

Soap is videotaped
before a studio audience.

[♪]